


For Small Creatures Such As We

by recklessly_confined



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Humor, Reverse Chronology, Romance, Shenko - Freeform, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2019-08-02 10:03:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 197,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16303085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/recklessly_confined/pseuds/recklessly_confined
Summary: “Life is like that. You live it forward, but understand it backward.”Because sometimes, it takes knowing the ending to better appreciate the beginning. A lengthy exploration of Jane Shepard and Kaidan Alenko’s relationship, unwinding its way back to the start.Rated E for explicit sexual content and mature language.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> **Year** : 2277  
>  **Location** : Virmire / Hoc System / Sentry Omega / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“The Normandy was not the Normandy without Commander Shepard.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: None]

The air was salty, with the familiar scent of the ocean waves confusingly reminding her of Earth. It was a case of almost, but not quite – the trees were a little bit too thick, too green in color, the sand an off-beige, the flowers similar in shape but not exactly right.

This wasn’t Earth, but at first glance it sure felt like it. It didn’t surprise her that this planet had developed into the wildly successful colony that it had – she could see the appeal, a home away from home.

_Virmire._

Her parents had told her that it wasn’t always like this. When they had first come here, before the Reaper war, when they were still chasing an enemy not entirely understood, this planet had been caught in the Attican-Terminus crossfire – achingly beautiful, enticingly habitable to warrant interest in colonization, but too risky with its considerable distance from the Alliance and mercenary groups raiding nearby star systems.

It had been too risky for Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, too.

They’d landed in a seemingly remote clearing, with Garrus and James bickering over the best place to land whilst Tali studiously confirmed that this was, in fact, the right spot.

It had been time enough, now, that the lush greenery had come back to life, ridding this spot of it’s obvious cataclysm that had previously destroyed the surrounding nature. It formed an almost perfect circle, leading right up into the ocean up ahead. The flora and fauna were obviously younger than its surroundings, the foliage in this region much shorter than the towering limbs of trees that encircled them farther beyond.

This was where her father had set the nuke that would blow Saren’s base. She could see him now in her mind’s eye; younger, a head full of black hair, his brows furrowed in concentration as she had seen so many times before when he’d poured over his omni-tool.

 _“I was so in love with your mother and I didn’t even know it yet,”_ he’d told her once with a wistful smile. _“Hell, I was ready to die that day, just to make sure she got out alright. But I’m eternally grateful that she didn’t leave me behind, or I’d have never had you.”_

This was where her mother came back for her father. It was this spot that they boarded the Normandy SR-1 knowing that they were saying goodbye to a friend.

 _“It was the hardest command decision of my life,”_ her mother had told her, _“and I’ve made a lot of difficult decisions over the years. So I had to stick to my training. Ultimately, Lieutenant Alenko was the higher ranking officer. It made sense on paper, but the reality is that I still beat myself up over it, wondering if she blamed me in those final moments. I know I made the right command call, but it’s hard not to feel that way when you lose someone you really care about.”_

_“You feel guilty, because you’re grateful that it was dad who was the logical choice to save.”_

_“That’s right. I can’t imagine…if he hadn’t been. I’m not certain I would have been able to make the right call if he wasn’t.”_

This was where Ashley Williams died.

This was where her honor, her namesake, had been birthed.

Ashley Alenko crouched down and took off her shoes, feeling the grass between her toes, placing a worn hand on the ground in silent tribute. Her dark hair, streaked with grey just as her father’s had been, fell over her face, shielding her from the others as she was overcome with sudden emotion.

A hand on her shoulder woke her from her reverie. Liara’s blue eyes peered into her own, a look of abashed emotion evident on her face. “Shall we?” was all she said, and Ashley nodded. Despite being the youngest here, they all paled in comparison to the ageless asari. She stood, suddenly uncertain of where next to go.

“This is your gift, Ash. Your call to make. We’ll follow wherever you lead.” Garrus’ voice clipped over the sound of the waves, calming her. Right.

A booming chuckle erupted from behind her, causing her to spin her head with a smile.

“He’s right, you know. Even an old krogran such as myself knows to follow the offspring of Shepard and Alenko!” Wrex’s voice erupted from the shuttle, a smirk visible as he stepped out carefully with his arms full.

James followed suit, stubbornly carrying the other package despite earlier complaints of a sore back.

“You sure you don’t need help with that one, Jimmy?” Garrus teased, eyes alight with mirth as James struggled to keep himself upright.

“I may be old, Vakarian,” he said with a grin, wincing slightly as he shifted his weight on the soil, “but I’m still an N7. Besides, Shepard would’ve killed me if I let old age get the best of me on this one.”

“That she would have,” Ashley smiled. She returned her gaze back to the shore, where a familiar form was situated a few yards ahead, gazing upon the surroundings thoughtfully. “EDI – do you have sensor readings on the soil here? Is there a spot these trees would be best suited to grow?”

EDI’s contemplative hum resonated in response, her metallic body turning to meet her eyes. An old and well-weathered Normandy SR-2 hat rested upon her head. “Yes, Ashley. The soil seems to have been rendered healthy from the organic life processes that have occurred here since the nuclear explosion of 2183. The DNA structure of these asari lifeforms require minimal nutrients to flourish for a relatively long botanical lifetime.”

“So you’re saying anywhere will work?” Ashley said, grinning.

EDI met her eyes, providing her with a friendly wink. “Yes. Anywhere will work.”

She scanned the area again, taking a deep breath as a warm breeze washed over them. “Then let’s go.”

Her feet led her with more intention than her mind did, as though they knew where to go. She heard the footsteps trailing behind her – Wrex’s booming footfalls, Garrus and Tali holding hands as they walked in line beside her. She couldn’t help but wonder what her parents would think of this moment, of her being here with their oldest friends. The thought made her smile.

A small clearing came before them, rich in grassy green hues but devoid of any obvious shrubbery growth. It was in the center of the void, and this spot called to her. “Liara?”

Liara stepped forward with a nod, raising a hand unquestioningly. Her fingers wrapped in a sudden glow of blue, a familiar swirling of unseen energy prickling Ashley’s skin. It felt homely, the tingle of biotics. It reminded her of her father. She felt a sudden twinge of sadness when she realized how long it had been since she’d last felt that. With a twist of her hand, the soil in front of her cracked and rose into the air, depositing neatly in a pile beside the now carefully constructed hole in the dirt.

Wrex and James stepped forward, dropping their boxes to the ground. Ashley laid a hand on each of them in thanks, proceeding to open the lids with care.

James peered in curiously, his dog tags clinking. “So you’re certain these will last for a long time, little Loco?”

“I’m certain.” Ashley said, smiling both at the familiar nickname and at the contents inside. Inside each box was a tree, fledgling and ready to be planted, the limbs young but sturdy.

“These are ancient asari foliage, and this is an ancient asari tradition, James.” Liara spoke softly, a wistful smile on her lips as she watched her remove one from the box. “These trees will outlive me, outlive my own children, too. They are known as lovers’ trees back on Thessia, although they are not planted much anymore.”

“How come?” James asked, reaching in to pull the second one from its box, carefully extracting the roots from its carrier soil.

“They simply live too long. They can outlive many asari generations, let alone humans.” Liara grasped a branch between her fingers, touching a leaf with reverent care. “The branches are known to intertwine with one another, making it difficult to extract them apart. The roots can burrow deep underground, making it almost impossible to remove them. Their strength and durability, the way the vines wrap around the others’ trunk…they are an ancient symbol of love, in my culture.”

“They’re perfect, Liara.” Ashley said softly, gazing at the little trees longingly. “I couldn’t have done this without you, without any of you. So thank you.”

“It’s an honor, Ashley, that we can be here with you. They…would have loved this. I can think of no better tribute.” Liara spoke carefully, eyes glassy. Beside her, Tali reached out to slip her hand into Liara’s, who squeezed it gratefully.

As Ashley carefully planted the roots and patted the soil down around each trunk, Garrus crouched to touch the leaves in contemplative wonder.

“It’s incredible, really.” He said, his mandibles flaring slightly. “After all this time, the three of them are finally together again. Knowing that these trees will grow in her ashes…thank you. This means a lot, to all of us who knew them. And I know it would mean a lot to Ashley, too.”

His words finally cracked the seal she’d been keeping in. She grasped the turian’s hand tightly, a tear trailing down her cheek with a smile. “Thank you, Garrus. It means a lot to me, to know that you feel that way.”

They straightened, and she found their group was content to encircle the little fledglings silently, contemplating their significance. The sun was beginning to set, the first streaks of pink stretching across the sky. It was warm, and the breeze of the trees ran over them like a comforting touch.

“Shepard was a krogan sister, the first human to ever obtain that honor.” Wrex’s voice broke through the air, all eyes suddenly rapt on his worn and weary face. “She gave my species a future again, and her name will be passed down for many generations to come as a savior to my people.”

“Alenko had to work a little harder to earn that right,” he continued with a chuckle. Beside him, Ashley saw Garrus roll his eyes with a knowing smirk. “Learning that Shepard had taken a mate brought my people into a huff. Only the most worthy of warrior would be good enough for the savior of the krogan, and many doubted that another human would be strong enough.”

“I remember that day on Tuchanka. Three of your clansmen attempted to kidnap Shepard, thinking that they would use her as a lure for her unworthy mate to step into a krogan trap, where they could challenge his position.” Garrus’ dry drawl interjected, and Tali burst into giggles beside him.

“Yup, and wouldn’t you know it? Alenko walked right up, headbutted my tallest warrior, and lifted all three of them to the ceiling. Lifted three 800-pound krograns!” Wrex boomed out a roaring laugh, and Ashley couldn’t help but join in. “Then he just casually grabbed Shepard, did that human mating ritual you call kissing, and they strolled on out of there like nothing happened. Now that takes some quads!”

“Wish I could’ve been there to see that. I loved when the Major got angry, he could kick some _serious_ ass.” James said wistfully with a chuckle.

“You want to see angry, you should have seen Kaidan’s face when Shepard killed the Reaper on Rannoch!” Tali cut in with a laugh. Her eyes were alight, hair billowing softly in the breeze. Ashley had only ever seen Tali with her mask off, but was used to quarian history being riddled with pictures of their enviro-suits.

She knew Tali had her mother to thank for that.

“Oh, man. I saw them when they got back to the Normandy. He was none too pleased with her after that _loco_ move.”

“On the shuttle, while Shepard and I celebrated, he glared at her the whole way back. Never said a word, just stared at her with this angry scowl the entire time. I’d never seen him get so mad before. I should have taken a holo-image, it would have made a good postcard to send to people!”

“In his defense, she did go head to head with a Reaper with only a targeting laser.” Garrus cut in amidst easy laughter.

“She fought like a true krogan. She made me a proud blood-brother.” Wrex said with finality.

“And she made me proud to be her best friend.” Garrus added, mandibles flaring again. Tali touched his arm sympathetically; while a common facial reaction from the turian, Ashley had never seen him do so as often. She wondered if it was the turian equivalent to keeping in tears.

“I remember, Shepard, when you and I got drunk off our asses when a certain human reamed you out for working with Cerberus. You were so worried that he hated you. It took us an awfully large amount of brandy to convince you that he was as madly in love with you as ever.” Garrus paused, smiling. “I may not remember much from the rest of that evening, but I do remember the look on your face when that same human sent you an apology letter not too long after. That was the best ‘I told you so’ moment that we’ve ever had, and there were a _lot_ of those, Shepard.”

“Ha! As if she could ever seriously doubt Alenko.” Wrex cut in with a snort. “You humans are lucky you don’t have krogan senses, or you’d be as sick as I was whenever they were in the same room together. Their pheromones always stunk up the place.”

They all laughed at that, James wrinkling his nose a little in mock disgust.

“It was an honor to stand with you, every step of the way Shepard. We went to hell and back in a thousand different ways, and I couldn’t imagine a better friend to have by my side…even if I did have the better shot. Now you…you better be up there, waiting for me at the bar, just like we talked about. And have some whiskey with Kaidan while you wait for us, something tells me that he’s probably missed you.”

“It will be one hell of a party, Shepard.” Tali cut in. “I hope your dance moves improve when we meet again. Kaidan’s too; perhaps you two should practice together. Otherwise Garrus and I will waltz our way into turian heaven and you won’t stand a chance.”

Ashley laughed loudly at that, sending Tali a warm smile. “They really were _terrible_ dancers, weren’t they?”

“The absolute worst. We should have had them dance for the Reapers, that would have scared them off real quick.” Garrus rolled his eyes as Tali slipped her arm through his, head resting on his shoulder.

“ _Keelah se’lai_ , Shepard. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for saving my people. Thank you for giving me back our home.” Tali stuttered, sucking in a deep breath. “It brings me peace…knowing that you are back with Kaidan. It makes me feel as though you have gone back home, too.”

Ashley felt as though her chest were tightening, the air suddenly hard to breathe. She missed them, so much. It felt infinitely less lonely to know that she was not alone in that.

EDI stepped forward then, carefully removing the cap from her head. Her metallic hair shifted in the wind, a warm smile on her face. “Shepard, it was an honor to be your friend. It was you who encouraged me to explore my humanity, and you who fought for my rights to be considered an individual. I know if Jeff were here with us…that he would want to go down with his ship.”

Ashley’s eyes welled with another set of unshed tears at the mention of Joker. To her side, she saw Liara struggle with the same sentiment.

“Because while the Normandy was his vessel, it was you, Shepard, who turned it into the ship that it was. The Normandy was not the Normandy without Commander Shepard.” EDI paused, eyeing the hat with fondness. “It is for this reason, and with your permission, Ashley, that I would like to bury Jeff’s hat here with the botanical representation of Shepard. I believe it is what he would have wanted.”

EDI held the worn hat out to her, a questioning look in her eyes. Ashley grasped it gently, nodding fervently. “Where would Commander Shepard have been without Joker to save the day?”

EDI smiled brightly, ducking her head appreciatively. As Ashley crouched down once more, she stilled.

“Would you like to have the honors?" She asked after a moment, pausing. "I’m sure it would have meant a lot to Joker…to Jeff.”

EDI knelt beside her with a nod. “Thank you, Ashley. That is very thoughtful of you…I appreciate that.” Her metallic fingers sifted through the soil easily, and they all watched with a heavy sadness as the cap was slowly buried, one handful at a time, beneath the dirt.

They stood, Ashley wiping feverishly at the tears that had now begun to fall in earnest. James stepped forward then, pulling an arm up in perfect military salute. “My Commander, my Captain, my Admiral – my friend. It was an honor to serve with you, Lola. I have you to thank for my success as a marine, because I had the best damn N7 there ever was to help drag my ass out of the fire along the way. You may have been completely out of your mind _loco_ sometimes…but you have an entire galaxy still standing because of it.”

Tali wept openly against Garrus’ arm now. Beside her, Liara had closed her eyes, glistening tracks rolling slowly down her cheeks.

“And say hi to the Major for me, Lola.” A tear formed in the corner of James’ eye, threatening to fall. “Tell him to brush up on his poker, because I intend to clean house when I get to where you guys have gone.”

A crisp salute and he stepped back, hastily wiping at his cheek with the back of his hand. The air was silent for another moment before Liara finally, hesitantly stepped forward and opened her eyes.

“That was beautiful, James.” She said softly, as Tali nodded fervently in agreement. “Shepard…you’ve touched so many lives. You were a natural leader, a hero to all species throughout the galaxy. We are the lucky few chosen to be your friends and, for that, I am eternally grateful. The memories we have shared will not be forgotten. The galaxy you united, I will not allow to fall apart.”

Liara paused, taking a deep breath, her eyes closed as though gathering her words. 

“By the goddess, I wish you eternal rest with the man that you loved, and whom loved you in every way you deserved to have been cared for. You deserve an eternity of peace, as it is the same gift you have given to all lives today, tomorrow, and ever onward.”

Ashley grabbed Liara’s hand as her voice trailed off, gripping tightly. They stood in silence for a few minutes, and she could not help but glance around through her tears.

At James, white-haired and wrinkled, but still proudly wearing his N7 uniform despite having long since retired.

Garrus, his back hunched slightly with ashen skin.

Tali, who’s arm still linked with her husband’s, the lines around her eyes betraying her age.

Wrex, who had a hardened look in his eye as he stared out at the ocean contemplatively, remembering.

EDI, hands locked behind her back, looking oddly empty without the presence of Joker’s hat.

And at Liara, as young as the first memory Ashley had of her, but who’s hand trembled gently against her own.

Ashley took in the sight of these friends, who had come from every corner in the galaxy to be here with her today so she would not have to face this alone. These people she had grown up with, who had helped raise and shape her.

These people who had stood by her parents’ side when they needed it most.

One by one, they trailed back to the shuttle as the sun settled low in the sky. Bright bursts of orange and pink burst across the clouds, the twinkling of the first stars beginning to peek out at the inevitable approach of night. Ashley knelt down in the dirt, looking out at the ocean, taking in the sight of these two trees.

She heard the shuttle come to life behind her, and she knew she had been left alone to say her own goodbye.

“Mom…you have some incredible friends, but I already knew that.” She swallowed, waiting for her voice to stop wavering so she could continue.

“I was lucky enough to grow up in a time of peace, and I have you and dad to thank for that. I spent most of my childhood asking a million questions about the person I was named after, the woman who made such an impact in your lives that you named your only daughter after her. Being here today…made me realize, after all this time, how meaningful that really was. I hope you’re happy being rested here. It somehow felt right, to bring you back together again.”

“After we lost dad, I didn’t think I’d be strong enough to lose you, too. But after being here, seeing your friends stand by my side…I know I’m not alone. And I know that you’re back where you belong, too. Please give dad a hug for me.”

She closed her eyes, touching the trunks of their tiny trees. She took in the sound of the ocean, tried to memorize the way the air smelt and the whistling of the wind running through the leaves. “You and dad taught me to be everything that I am proud to be. Strong. Smart. Resilient. I know…I know logically, as dad would say, that there is no afterlife. That there is no bright light. But I like to think that there is a place, somewhere in this vast universe, where we will all be together again somehow. At least…it makes me happy to think that way.”

She stood, digging into her pockets for one last memento. The familiar clinking of dog tags reached her ears, and she smiled. Ashley raised them up and settled them over her head, securing their place beside her own, resting against her heart. Three tags, now bound together.

_Admiral J. Shepard. Admiral K. Alenko. Captain A. Alenko._

“I am so proud to be your daughter. Rest easy, mom. Say hi to dad for me. I love you both. Always.”

With the last of the setting sun’s rays flitting down beneath the horizon, Ashley Alenko walked slowly back to the shuttle, to the friends that awaited her. Behind her, the two trees began to take root, their leaves fluttering softly in the evening wind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **AN** : This story occurs in the "destroy" ending universe. I've taken some liberties with it, in the sense that -- if the Normandy _were_ able to find a way off the unknown planet at the end of the extended ending, there is no reason to believe that other synthetic devices were not able to eventually be fixed, too. Hopefully any and all questions that may arise will be answered in chapters to follow.
> 
> This is the first time I've ever written a story in reverse chronological order, and was incredibly fun to do so. I hope you will not find it confusing, but merely teasing, when events are mentioned that you perhaps were not privy to read about yet. Each chapter aims to flesh out behind-the-scenes moments that, in my head, had to have occurred at some point, but were never granted in-game.
> 
> Largely head-cannon, with a rigorous attempt at being as canon-compliant and/or realistic as possible until the story progresses into the original trilogy. There is extensive sexual content in numerous chapters to follow -- I'll provide the necessary warnings when those arise.
> 
> But mostly -- this was incredibly fun for me to explore all the various _"what-if"_ scenarios that were stuck rolling around in my head after completing the series for the millionth time. Thank you to Bioware, for creating a universe I loved to dabble in, and characters I loved to play with.
> 
> Every day is Kaidan Alenko appreciation day, in my books. Happy reading.
> 
> **Commander Jane Shepard Profile: Paragon / Earthborn / Soldier / War Hero**


	2. Entry 50: I'll Be Waiting For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2273  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“I know it’s going to be difficult. But I’m everywhere around you. I’m in every part of this perfect life that we built, together. You are not alone. Not now, not ever.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: character death, mentions of sexual activity]

He slept more with each passing day. Doctor Michel performed her daily routine diligently – a brief brain scan, pulse check, and a quick listen to his heart. Every morning, afternoon, and evening. At this point, Shepard felt that she could likely perform the medical duties herself.

A shuffle in her chair told her otherwise. The familiar searing pain scorched up her shoulder, reminding her of old war wounds that were never going to heal.

It was nice, as well, to have a familiar face tend so thoroughly to the man who lay before her. _Kaidan_. It was odd, she would ponder sometimes, how even though the face she looked upon at this moment was wrinkled and grey, the black all but gone from his hair, she still saw the same fresh-faced marine she’d met on the Normandy so many years ago.

Doctor Chakwas had tended to her and Kaidan well into her old age, long past retirement. Her records had been transcended on to Doctor Chloe Michel upon Karin’s passing and, when Chloe had grown too weak to serve, she had passed their medical files into the hands of her daughter, Claire.

Claire had been all too happy to take partial residence in their home this past year. Kaidan’s condition had continued to decline, despite Kaidan having formally allowed Chakwas to remove his L2 implant many years ago, now. _“I’d like to live out my last few years without the migraines. I think the universe owes me that, at least.”_ He’d said to her at the time.

His migraines had stopped. But some things were inescapable.

Shepard leaned forward, grasping his hand in her own. “How is he today, Doctor?”

“Same as always, Jane.” Claire said with a sad smile, her eyes the same deep green as her mothers had been. Her words held a familiarly faint accent, not as noticeable as Chloe’s had been, but unquestionably present. “Strong heart, strong pulse. The deterioration in his brain patterns are stable, but consistent. He should wake soon, I think.”

“Hmm.” She nodded in response, smiling as she gazed upon his handsome face. Doctor Michel left their bedroom with a smile, closing the door behind her with a soft click.

Human biotics were just beginning to emerge when Kaidan was first exposed to eezo in the womb. The research on their lifespan had, until present, remained a mystery.

No one really knew how, or why. But slowly, in time, the few biotics still fitted with the L2 implants all began to suffer the same symptoms. Increased sleeping patterns, tiredness, a reduction of brain waves. There was no memory loss, no cancer, no sudden growths. Their brains simply slowed down and gave out.

Kaidan first began to feel the inescapable tiredness a few years back, despite having removed his implant.

 _“There’s no pain, Jane. I don’t have to worry about forgetting our life together. I don’t have migraines anymore. And I get to wake up next to the woman I love. It’s not a bad way to go.”_ He’d said to her when Doctor Michel had first told them the news, a happy smile on his face.

It wasn’t painful, he was right. Not physically, at least. But it was painful to her heart. Although, she mused, it wouldn’t have mattered how he went. It was bound to inevitably hurt all the same.

Their lives hadn’t changed all that much, she considered. Sure, he slept more, but otherwise he was still himself. He still kissed her forehead every night before he went to sleep, he still sang terribly when he cooked them dinner in the evenings. He still played chess with Ashley over vidcom every Sunday, and the three of them had breakfast together every other Wednesday.

He also still made love to her with as much fervor as he did when they had a lot less wrinkles. She supposed he still saw her as the same young marine, too.

They were lucky.

His eyebrows furrowed together slightly, and he shifted under the covers. He would wake soon.

After all these years, the sight of his eyes still caused a warmth to blossom deep in her chest. His amber gaze seemed confused for a brief moment, searching, before landing at the sight of her with a smile.

“Hey there.” His husky voice broke her from her reverie, the familiar sound bringing a smile to her face.

“Hey, yourself.”

“Is there, ah, any particular reason that my beautiful wife isn’t wrapped in my arms on this sunny morning?” His eyes twinkled merrily at her, squeezing her fingers.

“My apologies. Allow me to rectify the situation.”

She dropped her hand from his, standing stiffly to shuffle her old bones toward the edge of the bed. She crawled atop of him, slowly with her bad shoulder, snuggling into the crook of his arm in a familiar position, entwining their fingers as they resettled. Kaidan let out a sigh of contentment, turning his head to kiss her forehead in appreciation.

“That’s much better.”

“Hmm.” She hummed in agreement, closing her eyes as she took in his familiar scent. Their bedroom overlooked English Bay, and it was particularly beautiful today. The mountains were clear, their white tips a stark contrast to the blue, cloudless sky behind them. From the open window, the familiar ocean breeze washed over them. Perfect.

“I love you.” He said, and she knew he had a smile on his face even though she hadn’t looked up to check.

“I love you, too.” She responded in step, a phrase she’d repeated a million times over the years, but full of passion nonetheless. His fingers tightened over hers, a quiet thank you.

“Today’s a good day.” He said, his voice wistful.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I can feel it. Maybe you and I could take a walk.”

“Mmm, that sounds perfect.” She brought her head up to kiss his cheek, nuzzling her nose against his playfully. He chuckled, dropping his face down just enough to catch her lips in a chaste kiss.

But not too chaste. After all this time, the feel of his tongue sliding up against hers made her skin tingle, her senses heightened, a pleasant and familiar warmth blossoming through her core.

“On second thought,” he said against her mouth, one hand sliding tantalizingly up her spine, “maybe the walk can wait just a little while longer.”

She laughed, heart clenching with how much she loved this man.

Three hours and one nap later, they went on their walk. They held hands like teenagers and laughed at everything and nothing under the cherry trees along the seawall. It was a very good day.

/////

“Jane?”

She looked up from her datapad, reaching a hand out to cover his. She thought he’d been asleep, but his eyes belied a very intent alertness.

“Yeah?”

“I just want you to know something.”

“Alright.”

He cleared his throat, sitting up on his elbows to shuffle his way back against the headboard. Gazing at her, with those eyes, and that smile he reserved just for her, she thought he was the most handsome he had ever looked.

“I don’t know how much time I have left. I…don’t think I have very much, if I’m honest.” He spoke softly, shrugging nonchalantly, his smile unwavering. “Just a feeling.”

“Kaidan…” They didn’t talk about this. They talked about everything but this, to be exact. But she’d known it was coming.

“No, listen to me, Jane. Please.” He grasped her hand tightly, a hopeful look on his face. She nodded, an affirmation for him to continue. “I know we don’t hold any…religious or spiritual beliefs about where we go when we die. To me, it all seems pretty straightforward. But if there’s anything that you’ve taught me in this life, Shepard, it’s that anything is possible.”

He paused, taking a deep breathe, that smile never leaving his lips. “I won’t pretend to know how the universe works. All I do know is how much I love you, and that’s…a very powerful thing. So whether it’s in some different ripple in spacetime, some parallel universe, some other life – wherever I end up when this is over, just know that I’ll be waiting for you. So you'd better show up.”

Her eyes filled with tears, his words stirring a memory deep inside her. She leaned forward, resting her forehead against his, smiling against his lips.

“I’ll find you, Kaidan. Wherever you end up, I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll find you.”

He kissed her, gently, running a hand down the side of her face. He looked at her as though trying to memorize every crease, every shadow, every moment he’d ever shared while gazing into her eyes.

“And no matter what happens, Jane…”

“Know that I love you,” she finished.

“Right.” He nodded, pulling her into the crook in his arms. “Is there any chance I can convince my beautiful wife to stay here with me just like this tonight?”

“There’s no place I’d rather be.” She whispered back, burrowing into his chest with a sigh.

They fell asleep, his fingers running through her hair and her arm draped haphazardly across his stomach.

/////

“I’m scared.”

The words sounded foreign to her, unfamiliar. These were not words she had spoken very often in her life.

“Of what?” He responded, his brow raised quizzically. He was making her dinner, frying steaks over the stovetop while she sipped on a beer. It was a peaceful evening, the rain puttering against the windowpanes in a soothing rhythm. He had been humming some tune or other rather terribly, but that was all part of their happy routine.

“Of being without you.” She said defiantly, voice wobbly but strong. He stared at her for a moment. Carefully, he turned the stove off and wiped his hands on a towel, shuffling his way to her with an empathetic look on his face.

“Jane, you’re never without me. Ever.” He covered her hand with his own, eyes softening when he realized it was shaking. He sighed, taking a seat next to her when she said nothing.

“You…have always been strong. You’re the strongest person that I know. You’ve overcome more in this lifetime than any person should ever have to endure – and you always just keep going, head held high. You are my amazing wife, my always Commander, my best friend that saved the universe – literally.” He spoke the last part with a sly grin, and she smirked beside herself. “You’ve conquered everything. You will conquer this, too.”

“But that’s just it, Kaidan…I don’t want to. Everything I’ve ever fought had you waiting for me on the other side. This time is different. This time, I’m losing what I always tried to save.”

He sighed again, leaning forward with a soft smile. “And I love you for that. I feel guilty for even saying this, but I’m happy that it’s…that it's _me_ , and not you. And not just for the obvious reasons, Shepard, but because if I’m honest, I know I wouldn’t be strong enough to survive without you.”

He looked out the window, then down to their clasped hands. “But you are. I know it’s going to be difficult. But I’m everywhere around you. I’m in every part of this perfect life that we built, together. You are not alone. Not now, not ever.”

“Why aren’t you scared, Kaidan?” She asked a different question, watching as his brows furrowed in confusion. “This whole time, you’ve seemed so…at peace. I don’t understand that.”

“What is there to be scared about?” He said softly, as though she were missing something painfully obvious. “I’ve lived an incredible life. I met the woman of my dreams, we have incredible friends. We have a perfect daughter who looks just like me but has the same stubborn, fighting spirit of her mother. We have grandkids, a legacy and testament that we survived. We built memories, built a home. We grew old together, growing more in love with each other with each passing day. I got to wake up to your face every morning and kiss it goodnight every time I went to sleep. I’ve lived a perfect life, and I owe that to _you_ , Jane. I have absolutely nothing to be scared about.”

“I’m scared of waking up without you.”

“You aren’t alone. Remember what I said.” He smiled, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, the locks long since faded from shocking red to shiny wisps of white. “I’ll be waiting for you. I love you too much for any other outcome. So no matter what…I will get to hold you again.”

She breathed out, comforted. His words washed over her, calming her nerves and bringing a lightness that only he could bestow in her.

They ate their dinner in contented silence, allowing the beer to tingle their skin. They attempted to dance at an old tune, their sore and aching bodies protesting the jerky movements. They laughed, and laughed, giggling at one another as they shuffled throughout their house, holding hands and pressing kisses as though they could never run out. When he put on their wedding song, she stilled, falling into his embrace as they rocked gently overlooking the window. He ran his fingers through her hair, told her how beautiful she was, wondered about how he could ever be so lucky as to have her for his wife.

They made love, the skies clearing enough for the stars to peak through. She fell asleep to the sound of his breathing, arms encircled around one another. She was so lucky to have him as her husband.

/////

He was gone three days later. There was no final moment, no sudden loss. He’d held her close, whispered how much he loved her, thanked her. And then he was simply…gone.

She couldn’t wait to find him. She knew he would be waiting.


	3. Entry 49: Unexpected Visitors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2258  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“I never would have imagined, all those years ago – when I first met you, well, let’s just say it wasn’t exactly in the most pleasant of circumstances. But for all the things I’m ashamed of, for all of the ties I wanted to bury with Cerberus, the one thing I’m most proud of in this life is bringing you back.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

She gazed out of her office window for a final time, taking in the view with a smile.

Today was her last official day as an Alliance Admiral.

Not that her rank was removed upon her retirement; however, this was her last day in active service. Both herself and Kaidan had pulled out of their responsibilities slowly but surely, ensuring adequate successors as they had unhurriedly peeled themselves out of the thick of things. They hardly worked at all, nowadays; their presence acting more as a formality than anything else. Working was merely something to keep their minds busy as they oversaw the flow of the familiar Alliance routines.

But, still. It was a formality that had come to a close for the both of them.

She resumed packing what few items she had floating around the space into the box on her desk – a model of the Normandy SR-1, a picture of Ashley and Kaidan dancing on her wedding day, her acceptance letter into the N7 program signed by Admiral Anderson.

A knock at her door shook her from her nostalgic reverie.

“Come in.” She called clearly, tucking the papers inside with care. A familiar but unexpected face entered the doorway, smiling at her in that too-perfect way.

“Shepard. I was hoping I would catch you before you officially left on your retirement.”

“Miranda. You’re just in time, I’m almost ready to head for home.” She smiled easily back at her, waving her inside.

Recognizing her welcome, Miranda stepped inside fully, closing the door behind her quietly. She looked as though she hadn’t aged at all. The black in her hair was as glossy as ever; there were perhaps a few crows feet around her eyes that hadn’t been there before, but otherwise that was the only indication that she had aged after all these years.

“I’m happy I caught up with you. I wanted to speak to you in person, before I head off myself.”

“You’re going off-planet?”

“Yes. Permanently. At least, that’s the plan.” Miranda smiled softly, walking over to her window and crossing her arms in a familiar pensive pose. “Oriana is living on a small colony out in the Terminus systems. I thought…well, I thought I would join her there. She says she has a nice guest house I can stay in until I find my own place.”

“That sounds perfect. Very, ah…settled. You think you’re ready for it?” Shepard teased her gently, joining her by the window with a smirk. Miranda settling down – now there was a sight she couldn’t quite wrap her head around.

“Hmm. I have my doubts, to be sure. You know better than anyone that my life hasn’t exactly been the small-town, white-picket-fence sort of deal.” Miranda chuckled at that, eyeing her with a cocked brow. “But I do like a challenge.”

“Kind of hard to picture you like that. Somewhere without dangerous criminals to catch, an evil tyrant to hide from – just a normal, quiet, life.” She paused, pondering thoughtfully. “You know, I think it will really suit you.”

“You think so?” Miranda sighed, her eyes betraying a hesitance. “I – I don’t know how to be normal, I guess. I’m worried I won’t exactly fit in with the locals.”

“You’ll be just fine. If anything, I imagine you’ll be running the place in no time at all.” She chuckled, continuing. “The only thing you’ll have a hard time with is explaining your age.”

“My age?”

“I don’t know about you, Miranda, but the last time I even remotely looked your age was about fifty years ago.”

Miranda laughed heartily at that, sweeping a hand down her frame in a mocking gesture. “The gift of perfect genetics, I suppose.”

“Mhmm.” She smiled, nudging the woman’s shoulder playfully. “So. Tell me why you’re really here. I know you, you could have just as easily called me on vidcom. What was so important to warrant you coming out for a personal visit?”

Miranda sighed, a guilty look on her face. “You caught me, Shepard. I did come to say goodbye, but...I heard, about Jeff."

Shepard was silent at that, turning to look out the window with a somber exhale. "Yeah."

"I'm so sorry. Please – send EDI my regards. I wanted to come, but...I'm afraid I'm not very good at moments like this."

"She'll appreciate that. And, I know. It's alright." She said, smiling reassuringly. Reflecting, she paused before continuing. "He lived a hell of a life."

"He really did." Miranda smirked, shifting her hips. "If I'd have known back then, that we were outfitting the Normandy with his future wife – _well_."

"He joked about that once, you know. I believe the exact words he said were, _'I bet Miranda gave her this sexy voice just to tease my crippled ass'_." Shepard chuckled at that, shaking her head. 

"Well, you know me. Never serious, always a fan of practical jokes." Miranda exhaled sharply, smirking. "That's not all I'm here for, Shepard. Hearing about Jeff – it reminded me, is all. So I came here to give you this.” She extended a datapad, which Shepard took curiously.

“What is it?”

“It’s everything you should ever need to know for your future medical needs. It contains all the details of your cybernetic implants that I had installed in you during our little sessions together. For both occasions: the Cerberus models after Alchera, and the Alliance models after the Reaper war.”

Miranda spoke crisply, watching as Shepard began to tap through the various files curiously.

“It is detailed down to the last genetic marker, as well as with information regarding which nodes were damaged, removed, replaced, or reprogrammed. Should you ever need any medical attention regarding your implants, everything your doctor could ever want to know are in these files, complete with holographic diagrams for location accuracy.”

“Wow. I didn’t even realize you kept this sort of information.”

“Of course I did. You just didn’t need to know about it until now.” She smirked, hesitating for but a moment before continuing on. “It also contains information you may find interesting for Kaidan.”

“For Kaidan?” Shepard brought her eyes up from the pad, gazing at her quizzically.

“Shepard…I’m sure you’ve heard, about what’s been happening with L2 biotics?” Miranda slowed her words, speaking carefully. “There aren’t many L2’s left alive. Many died from complications early in life, others were retrofitted with L3’s, but Kaidan – well. I’ve gathered intel on every scrap of data I could find, both legal or otherwise.”

“But Kaidan is perfectly healthy.” Shepard said defiantly, and Miranda smiled at her sadly.

“I know he is, Shepard. And I hope he always will be. But should that ever change…I hope that the information I’ve provided for you here will prove to be helpful. It’s the least I can do. Of course, if I come across any more relevant information, I’ll send it your way. I’m only living in a remote colony, after all, not near a black hole.”

“Hmm.” She paused, roving over the data files absently. “Is this a regular black hole we’re talking about, or a black hole surrounded by Collector ships?”

Miranda laughed warmly. “Thanks, Shepard. You always did know how to get a laugh out of me.”

“Something tells me you always needed it.”

“I did. But I think, when I get there…maybe I won’t need that anymore. I hope so, anyway.” Miranda hummed thoughtfully, looking back outside the window. Shepard joined her, enjoying their companionable silence as the sun began to set across the sky.

“You really did it, Shepard. You gave us all of this.” Miranda finally said, gesturing outside the glass. “I never would have imagined, all those years ago – when I first met you, well, let’s just say it wasn’t exactly in the most pleasant of circumstances. But for all the things I’m ashamed of, for all of the ties I wanted to bury with Cerberus, the one thing I’m most proud of in this life is bringing you back.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you, Miranda.” She said softly, smiling gently at her.

“Hmm, I suppose not.” Miranda gave her a wry smile back, then turned pensive once more. “But my peaceful little colony wouldn’t be waiting for me if it weren’t for you. It was the one damn thing that the Illusive Man got right. We’ve been able to live out our lives, and I…well, I was able to call you a friend. It’s quite an honor.”

“The honor is mine.” She said humbly. Miranda nodded, a flickering of emotions dancing in her dark eyes. Shepard took the opportunity, reaching forward with a gentle hand to pull her into an embrace. It was awkward, at first – she was convinced that Miranda had experienced few friendly gestures such as this in her life – but after a few moments, her stiff limbs relaxed in her grip, and the older woman sighed comfortably into the hug.

“Thank you, Shepard. For everything.” Miranda said hastily, wiping at her cheek with the back of her hand as they pulled apart. “If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’ve left my omni-tool code in that datapad as well. My new one; it’s a direct line.”

“As long as you don’t get mad at me for checking in on you from time to time. It’s what friends do, after all.”

“I look forward to it.” Miranda stepped back, crossing her arms in a familiar pose. “Say hi to Kaidan for me. Any man who is able to keep up to Jacob Taylor in a push-up contest earns my respect for life.”

She laughed heartily at that, remembering the memory fondly. “I will. It’ll make his day to hear you say that.”

“I’m glad.” She walked towards the door, a small smile on her face. Just as she was about to walk through the archway, she turned and called back towards her. “Oh, and, Admiral?”

“Yeah?”

“Enjoy your retirement. You deserve it.” With one last wink, Miranda closed the door behind her with a soft click.

She sighed, smiling as she turned back to look out the window once more. She placed the datapad on her desk and took in the bursts of light that were spilling across the sky as the sun began its descent behind the horizon. Packing the rest of her stuff could wait.

She had a hell of a sunset to enjoy from the view of her office, one last time.

/////

It was well past dark by the time she made it home, but Kaidan wasn’t there yet.

She was unconcerned – he’d been running the Biotics Division for over sixty years. He had a lot to say goodbye to, today. It had been under his tutelage, under his experience and leadership, that the division had grown into the success it eventually became. His stubborn persistence to turn around his experiences at BAaT had changed the perception of human biotics from something to be afraid or ashamed of, into something powerful and inspiring.

He’d received many a letter over the years from appreciative parents, thanking him for helping normalize a still-new and uncertain situation that was having a biotic human child. He’d kept every single one.

Kaidan was an emotional person, more so arguably than she was – it was one of the many things she loved about him, his _compassion_ – so she knew today would be hard for him to say goodbye to.

She deposited the contents in her arms onto their kitchen table, a box of asari delicacies and Miranda’s datapad among them. She pulled out two beers, cracking one for herself and settling into their couches contentedly, waiting.

She didn’t have to wait long.

She was still gazing up at the picture that hung above their fireplace, the holo that Glyph had taken of everyone in Anderson’s apartment before that final battle all those years ago, when she heard the telltale sound of his footsteps approaching from the hall. The familiar unlocking sounds of their door hit her ears as he swiped his omni-tool in admittance.

“Jane?” His husky voice called out into the foyer, causing a smile to blossom on her face.

“I’m in here.”

He shuffled out of his boots, stepping into their living room. He was still in his uniform – military blues, for the occasion today – his eyes twinkling and arms full of similar contents that she’d pulled from her own office today.

“Well, don’t you look handsome.” She said, patting the seat next to her invitingly. “Come on over, Admiral Alenko. I want to hear every part of your day.”

He chuckled warmly, depositing the boxes in his arms next to hers on the table and heading over to her. She wordlessly handed a beer to him as he made to sit next to her, and he kissed her forehead in silent thanks.

“I’m not the only one who had a good day, I’m sure.” He said, throwing an arm over her shoulders. She burrowed against his chest eagerly.

“Hmm. True, but something tells me that yours was more touching. I direct the N7 program and coordinate intergalactic political policies – so basically, I shook hands with ambassadors all day and received a vid-call from James calling me old.”

“Funny. He called me, too. Said the exact same thing.” Kaidan chuckled into her hair, taking a sip of beer gratefully with a sigh. “Alright, maybe you’re right.”

“And?”

“The, ah, the kids put together something real nice for me. A photo album, actually. There’s some great shots in there from over the years.”

“You’ll have to show me.”

“I will. Jacob even invited a bunch of the old students back for today. They surprised me, had a whole – a whole goodbye party and everything. Someone even cooked _steak_.”

“Wow. They certainly know you well.”

“They do. It was…it was nice.” He smiled into her hair, tightening his hold on her. “Oh, and Jack was there. She said to say hi.”

“I didn’t realize she’d left Grissom.”

“Neither did I. I think she said something along the lines of me being _‘the second strongest human biotic she’s ever met’_ , so she had to send her respects.”

“The first is her?”

“Naturally.”

She laughed, tucking her knees up on the couch to press herself more tightly into him. “I’ll have to message her. See if she wants to grab a drink.”

“I’m sure she’d love that.” He took another swig, enjoying the silence for a brief moment. “I booked us a vacation.”

“You what?” She asked, turned her head to look up at him. He had a mischievous look in his eye, eyebrows raised with a devilish smirk.

“Yup. I rented a cruiser for a few weeks. Got a pretty sweet deal, too. I guess being an Admiral has its perks.”

“What are we doing with a cruiser? We going somewhere?”

“Yeah. I thought we could celebrate, you know. With our retirement and all.” He paused, his fingers running through her hair gently. She waited, knowing he was gathering his thoughts. She’d known him long enough to tell when he was working out the words to something important to him. “I was just thinking, today. We’re getting older, Shepard.”

“You’re just realizing this now?”

“Well, no. I knew that.” He chuckled again, taking another sip. “I just meant, we still have these old bodies of ours. They still work pretty well, too. I just want to take advantage of that. We’ve always been so busy. And, I love it. I love our lives, what we’ve built together. But – I want to be selfish for awhile. I want to just spend time with you, with my best friend. I want to see the galaxy together.”

“You say that as though we never have.” She said wryly.

“That’s not what I mean. Sure, we’ve seen it all, been through more relays than I can count. But we’ve always had a reason, you know? We were always there on a mission, not to just – enjoy the view. I want to take in the views with you, Jane. I want to be a tourist in our galaxy for once, not a marine.”

She was quiet, before turning her head and placing a kiss on his chest. “Hmm. That does sound…nice.”

“I’m glad you think so.” He said simply, resuming the relaxing rhythm of his fingers along her hairline.

“What prompted this idea? I didn’t think retirement would have such an effect on you.” She teased.

He was silent for many moments, his movements stilling as though deep in thought.

“I spoke with Doctor Chakwas today. I’m getting my implant removed. For good, I mean.”

She sat up, looking at him with a furrowed brow. “But, you aren’t –”

“I’m fine. Don’t worry.” He smiled, pulling her back down onto his chest. “But your concern is appreciated. I don’t like the idea of travelling through deep space if I don’t have my biotics. But when we get home – well, I don’t think I want migraines anymore. I just want to enjoy whatever years I have left with you.”

She smiled into his chest, hugging him tightly. “Are you sure? Don’t – don’t get me wrong. I want your migraines gone as much as you do. But your biotics – I know how much you identify with them. They’ve been such a part of you.”

“It will take some getting used to. I’ll still be able to do small things, without it – maybe make a few stuffed animals dance for the grandkids. But I’ve been thinking about this for a long time.” He was running his hand up her arm now, slow gentle strokes that pulled all the tension from her body. “I’m sure.”

“Then I’m happy for you.” She closed her eyes, gripping his chest tighter in her hands, calmed by the gentle rhythm of his breathing. “Speaking of – I had an unexpected visitor today.”

“More unexpected than Jack?” He said wryly, and she laughed.

“If you can believe it. Miranda Lawson came by my office today.”

His eyebrows shot up. “Alright, you win. What’s she up to these days?”

“Good things, I think. She looked…happy.” She paused, relishing in how her muscles were slowly relaxing under his ministrations. “She gave me something. It has to do with you. I think I’ll give it to Chakwas.”

“With me?” He asked curiously.

“Yeah. It’s – research. I didn’t ask how she obtained it, of course –”

He chuckled at that.

“— but it has to do with your biotics. With what – with what’s been happening to other L2’s, lately. I was scrolling through it earlier, I think you’ll find it interesting. It’s a lot of raw data, it appears that she’s analyzed it herself.”

“Anything I should be concerned about?” He asked, his voice light. She knew better.

“No, I don’t think so. The average age of onset isn’t for – well, you have time. Quite a bit, actually. You haven’t even had any symptoms yet, so that’s a really good sign.”

Hmm.” He hummed in agreement, his hands stilled. “But it’s inevitable.” He said this with finality, not as a question.

She nodded, gripping him tighter.

“I’ll have to thank her. It was kind of her to share that with us. To think of me at all, actually.” He resumed his gentle stroking against her skin, and she smiled.

“She also said to say hi. Apparently you’ve forever earned her respect the day you beat Jacob Taylor in a push-up contest.”

He laughed loudly at that, pulling her chin up with his finger so he could meet her eyes. “Well, now I will _definitely_ have to thank her. Forget Spectre status or Admiralty positions – no, a _push-up contest_ is still how you earn respect these days.”

Chuckling, she met his gaze, taking in his features raptly. She’d seen his face thousands of times, looked upon him in every great and sorrowful moment in their life together. She could remember every scar, the exact shade of his skin, the sound of his voice. Yet looking at him never got old, and she could never get enough.

“I love you.” She said, simply. He smiled, closing his eyes. His arms brought her into his chest, pulling her tightly into an embrace. His lips brushed against her forehead, her cheeks, her nose, each of her closed eyes, and finally her lips.

“I love you, too. Always.” He mumbled into her hair. They lay like that, entwined with one another in the dark, content with each other’s silent company.

“So, where should we go first? If this will be our last great adventure together, we have to make it a good one.” She finally whispered into his ear, and she could feel the rumbling laughter deep within his chest.

“Jane, I love you entirely too much for us to ever have a last adventure. We’ll adventure together forever, in one way or another.” He sighed loudly, running his fingers through her hair again. “I was actually thinking…well.”

“What is it?” She asked, burrowed comfortably in the crook of his neck.

He cleared his throat uncertainly, taking his time in answering. “I thought we could visit Virmire, actually.”

She stiffened, pulling back slightly to meet his eyes. They were open and warm, a tiny smile at the edge of his lips.

“Virmire?”

“Yeah, Virmire.” He brought a hand up to run down the side of her face, his thumb ghosting over her mouth. “I know at the time, we could never allow ourselves to think it. But it was beautiful there. The Council has made incredible progress in cleaning up the Attican-Terminus border. And we have a friend who might appreciate one last visit from us.”

She smiled, kissing his thumb in reverence. Something warm snaked down her spine, blossoming throughout her chest. He was so _good_.

“That sounds perfect.”

They spent the night there, entwined on the couch, looking out at the Pacific Ocean. They’d dozed in and out of sleep, always searching for each other, her occasionally placing warm kisses to his throat, him playing with her hair, his biotics humming pleasantly along her skin.

They left as soon as the sun rose the next morning.


	4. Entry 48: The Normandy Was Our Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2255  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“She asked me to help her out with some less-than-legal information theft. Naturally, I agreed. You guys know me, always willing to break the law for the better of humanity.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: mild language]

“Hello?”

She called into the foyer, slipping out of her boots without waiting for a reply.

“We’re by the window!” Her father’s voice rang out, and Ashley grinned. The door locked behind her with a quick swipe of her omni-tool, and she maneuvered her package carefully before treading farther down the hall.

“You guys aren’t naked or anything like that, are you?” She asked wryly, hearing two sets of laughter break out in the next room. Taking that as a safe sign, she poked her head around the corner of the wall with mock caution.

“Definitely not naked. Not yet, anyway.” Her mother sent a wink across the table, and her father smiled back with a chuckle.

“I’d be grossed out if I wasn’t the one crashing your anniversary. I’ll just be happy that clothes are fully on.” She stepped into their living room and looked around with a blink. “Wow, it’s beautiful in here. Dad, I think you outdid yourself.”

“Why, thank you.” He said modestly, taking a sip of his beer in appreciation. He really had. There were candles lit all around the room, soft music playing in the background. They had their curtains pulled all the way back, offering a gorgeous view of the Pacific Ocean dipping out over the horizon.

Her mother reached a hand across the table to grasp his firmly. “After all these years, he still finds time to romance me. I’m a lucky lady.”

“I’m a lucky man.” He replied easily, twisting his fingers between hers.

“Well, happy sixty-five years. Thanks for letting your only daughter come and crash the party. And, I’m sorry I failed to dress quite as spiffy as you two have.” She added with a warm smile, noting the suit her father had proudly bestowed for the evening. The black from his hair had faded long ago, but his brows and beard remained as dark as ever. Her mother, too, with her hair let loose, had long lost its fiery red, but her lipstick wore the lost hue with honor, her eyes as bright green and mischievous as ever.

“Something tells me we’ll forgive you. Just you tonight?” Jane asked, pulling out a chair for her to join them. She sat appreciatively, noting her mother eyeing the package in her arms curiously.

“Just me. I only got into dock just under an hour ago. I’ll be heading back to see them tonight.”

“Well, I’ll forgive you for holding our grandchildren away from us so long as you bring them by this weekend.” Kaidan said with a warm smile, then frowned as he took in the circles under her eyes. “You look exhausted, Ash. Are you sure you don’t want to head home? Not that I’m complaining about the company, but, I know how tiring it can be after a long service.”

“I’m sure. I’ve been looking forward to tonight for a long time, now.” She said with a grin, pointing to her package carefully. “Tonight, I just want to spend some time with my mom and dad.”

“I can’t say no to that. Why don’t I get you some leftovers. There’s some steak left, and a beer, if you’re interested?” He said happily, standing from his seat and carefully dusting some crumbs from the front of his suit. Ashley didn’t miss the way her mother gazed at him, with the same quiet look of love in her eyes.

“After a month of military rations? Yes, please.”

“So, what’s with the box?” Her mother finally asked curiously, pointing at her lap.

“Ah. It’s a, uh, little something I had Uncle Garrus help me with.” She replied mysteriously. Her mother’s eyebrows shot up at that.

“Uh, oh. That can’t be good. What is it?”

“It took me quite some time to get a hold of it all, but with his help and maybe a few, um, Spectre status codes along the way…well, I think I got everything that I wanted.” She paused, taking the beer her father extended over her shoulder gratefully. Her mouth watered as the smell of his cooking hit her nose, a plate of steaming steak and potatoes making her sigh with glee.

“Spectre codes? Why didn’t you just ask us?” Her father asked curiously, sliding back into his seat with a fresh beer.

“It wouldn’t have been a surprise then, would it?” She retorted cheekily, placing the box onto the table carefully. “Go ahead, open it. Don’t mind me as I stuff my face here.”

Kaidan gestured to her mother, who clearly looked more perplexed than he did by this knowledge. She reached out gingerly, lifting the lid with trepidation. Upon seeing the contents, she frowned.

“A data file?” She asked, reaching in to grasp the small metal clip. Ashley nodded.

“Yeah, a data file.” She swallowed her bite, washing it down with the cold lager. “I know how much the Normandy meant to you guys. It meant a lot to me, too – I practically grew up there.”

They both smirked at that. Ashley thought carefully, pausing to make sure her words came out properly. It was a habit she’d picked up from her father, one that her mother often teased her about.

“I know how hard it was, to finally put her into retirement two years ago. It was a home to all of us. But more than that, for you – it was a home through some of the most difficult years of your lives. I have lived a fortunate life because of the hardships that you both went through on that ship, well before I ever came into the picture.”

She paused again, turning to look over her mother’s shoulder. Jane followed her line of sight, gazing at the familiar photograph with the same nostalgic smile.

It was the photograph they had taken in Anderson’s apartment, so many years ago. Her mother and father sat side by side at its center, gazing into each other’s eyes with matching smiles. They were surrounded by all of their friends and comrades; every person who had ever stood and fought alongside them to end the Reaper War, from its very beginning to its ultimate end.

It was a photograph that Ashley had poured over as a child, always asking a million questions about the details of that night, of the people that didn’t come around as often as the others did. It wasn’t until she was older that her father began to tell her stories of their alcohol-induced silliness, and the night they all shared had fleshed out that picture even better than before.

Another familiar holo was tucked into the corner of the frame. Though the faces in it were much smaller, she didn’t need to go closer to see who it was. Her father, her mother, and Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, standing in front of the Mako aboard the Normandy SR-1. A reminder that not everyone had lived long enough to see the end of that war.

“I know there are a lot of memories that I’m sure you both would like to forget.” She continued, meeting her father’s inquisitive gaze. “But I know there’s a lot of memories you’d like to remember, too. So I thought…I thought there would be no greater gift I could share with you both, than to remind you of just that. To remind you of why the Normandy was so much more than just a ship. It was a home. For all of us.”

Kaidan closed his eyes, smiling pensively. Her mother gripped her wine glass, turning the data file in her fingers.

“This is why you needed Garrus? To get access to the Normandy’s file logs?” Jane asked, a proud smirk on her face. Ashley nodded.

“That’s exactly why.”

“You are so much like your mother.” Kaidan said wryly, chuckling as Jane sent him a glare from across the table. “Hey, don’t look at me like that! This is something you would do.”

“Maybe. I mean, sure, it’s technically illegal, but hey, that’s what Spectre uncles are for, right?” Her mother asked innocently, and Kaidan laughed loudly.

“Always the upstanding citizens, we are.” He turned back to look at her, smiling warmly. “Don’t get me wrong, Ash. This is a beautiful gift. I’m only teasing.”

“We’ll see who’s teasing who when we get to the files.” Ashley quipped with a smirk. She grabbed her plate and her beer, ushering them over to the couch. Her parents followed suit, nestling easily on either side of her as she nipped at her food eagerly.

She quite suddenly felt like a small child again, cocooned by their much larger frames, safe from the world. It was a pleasant feeling, one she doubted she would ever outgrow from.

Her mother scanned the file with her tool, programming it to display on the vid-screen over the crackling fireplace. The drunken Citadel holo faded from view, replaced by the familiar face of one turian by the name of Garrus Vakarian. Behind her head, Ashley felt her father drape his arm to touch her mother’s shoulder reassuringly.

She pressed play.

_“So I got the most curious message some time ago by my favorite niece. You might know her, she goes by the name of Ashley Alenko. Quite the trouble-maker, that one. She must have learned that from her uncle, I hear he’s a great guy.”_

Garrus’ flanging drawl spoke out of the screen, a gorgeous view of Palaven teasing over his shoulder.

_“Anyway, she asked me to help her out with some less-than-legal information theft. Naturally, I agreed. You guys know me, always willing to break the law for the better of humanity.”_

“Is he ever.” Her mother laughed loudly at that.

_“It took some digging, I’ll admit, but your daughter is a stubborn one. I know that one she gets from her father. I’m looking at you, Kaidan. It’s because of you that I’m spending my shore leave digging through stolen memories instead of getting drunk at the bar. I think my wife will thank you for that, though.”_

Garrus paused, flaring his mandibles in a familiar gesture of jest.

_“I know it isn’t too often that I get serious, but I hope you know that there’s nothing else I’d rather do than this. And that’s saying something – there are not a lot of tasks I find more rewarding than shooting things.”_

Her parents both chuckled at that, her mother rolling her eyes fondly.

_“Being able to sift through all this has reminded me of all the moments we’ve shared – as allies, as friends, and eventually, as family. This old C-sec officer is eternally grateful that you accepted me into your Saren manhunt way back when. I hope that looking back on these memories is as rewarding for you as it was for me.”_

Garrus sighed heavily, shaking his head with a smile.

_“Happy anniversary, to two of my oldest friends.”_

/////

**Year 2254**

“I can’t believe we’re never going to wake up there again.”

Kaidan’s husky voice mumbled beside her disbelievingly, and she slipped a hand into his knowingly.

“Yeah.” She said. She didn’t know what else to say.

Joker had docked the Normandy off the coast of Stanley Park one last time, its silvery hull glistening. Having completed its retirement tour, the Normandy was officially no longer in service – it was now undergoing extensive retro-fits for its new life as a tourist attraction, open for guided public tours under donation to various Alliance-operated charities. She didn’t doubt the quality of care their beloved ship would be in – Samantha Traynor herself was heading the entire operation – but it felt odd, knowing that the Normandy was no longer theirs.

Well, she mused, it had never really been _theirs_. Not officially, anyway. But after all these years – it had certainly felt like a home to them.

“Mind if we take a holo?” Ashley’s voice cut in behind them, and they turned, smiling. “You may have enjoyed her for more years than I did, but I still grew up on that ship. It’ll be nice to have one last picture of the three of us.”

“How’d you manage to slip past security?” Kaidan asked with a chuckle, pulling her in to kiss her cheek. She smirked, her eyes twinkling.

“Had them call Traynor personally. They wouldn’t believe who I was; thought I was some citizen trying to sneak aboard – the poor guy got his head damn well chewed off over his com when Traynor realized it was me.” Ashley grinned, resting her shoulder onto his easily and gazing out at the Normandy. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so cleaned up.”

“No kidding. Almost hard to recognize her without that lovely dent by the port siding.” She said wistfully. Beside her, Kaidan snorted.

“You’re joking, right?”

“Awe, come on. It was almost sweet. A love tap by Spectre Vakarian; who wouldn’t want to remember that?”

“I won’t tell Adams you said that. ‘Tap’ is a poor choice of words, Shepard – it was more like a punch.” Kaidan huffed at her, laughing despite himself. 

“Ah, well, he was just so damn excited to see his little niece here that he chose _not_ to read his com signals stating quite clearly that the mass effect shields were offline for a thermal dump.” She shrugged, grinning, remembering Garrus’ spew of curses over her headset when he’d realized too late that instead of bouncing harmlessly off their shields, his shuttle had careened and dented out a section of the hull. 

“Sounds very sweet to me.” Ashley agreed, smiling wickedly whilst Kaidan shook his head.

“You two are nuts. We all very well could have died.”

“A sentence you both have said much too frequently throughout the duration of your lives.” Ashley reminded him, wriggling in between them. “Now smile for my tool; I want to remember this day.”

On either side, they grabbed onto her waist, their faces pressed goofily close together. Shepard smiled brightly, trying to pin this moment to memory – her daughter squeezed at her side, Kaidan’s arm reaching to touch the base of her back, a husky sound of his laugh hitting their ears. A sweet breeze rolled in from the ocean, the familiar salty smell comforting.

Behind them, the Normandy gleaned in the background. Ashley’s tool went off with a _click_.

/////

**Year 2253**

“Today is a special day.”

Shepard was in position from the CIC, calling attention to the various faces that looked up brightly at her. Her hands gripped the rail, twisting the cool metal in her palms. A handful of familiar faces caught her attention – Joker, who had hobbled his way from the cockpit, EDI standing beside him with his arm looped through hers, the beaming expressions of Donnelly and Daniels, Traynor beaming up at her from the Yeoman’s terminal.

Kaidan, standing in the back, smiling at her encouragingly. 

“Today, the last mass effect relay was repaired and is now open, once more, for public use. Which draws us together for one very important mission.” 

She smiled, tapping the galaxy map eagerly, watching as the familiar image sprang to life, the blue hues casting a cool shadow over her skin. Tiny circles of light flitted to life, starting from the Charon relay and diving outwards – heading out to the Arcturus Stream, the Exodus Cluster, the Petra Nebula; an inviting yellow line joining them in an intimate, well-traveled path. 

“This will be the Normandy’s last great adventure. The time has come where her hull has warranted the need for rest. She’s done her duty, she’s fought bravely for us, she’s taken us to every corner of the galaxy – hell, she fought the damn Reapers to hell and back – and lived to tell the tale. Every scratch, every dent, every inch of this ship has done what a ship no other has been able to accomplish. She’s made herself a home, to so many brave souls who’ve walked her decks.”

A small chorus of cheers broke out at that and she smiled, continuing.

“For many of you, this is your first time aboard this vessel. For others, this ship is more familiar to you than home soil. But no matter who you are, no matter how new or old, take a moment to reflect upon all of the people who once stood where you stand. Remember every name of every person who came before you. The success of the Normandy was built upon the shoulders of every being who has ever stepped inside this very room. It was their hard work that made this ship what it is today. For some, this is where they sacrificed their lives. It is an honor, now, to give her one last ride.”

She exhaled, releasing the rail and standing to attention with a crisp salute. Immediately, the dozens of bodies standing before her did the same. 

“Today, we set off on a journey of discovery. The Reaper War took a lot from us – it took away homes, tore apart families, divided loved ones. But today marks the end of all that. By repairing this last and final relay, we have put back together a galaxy once torn apart. The galaxy will never be divided like that again. And at the heart of it all, we have the Normandy to thank for that. In honor, we will pass through every relay in the galaxy we have reunited. We will shake hands with every person who helped piece it back together again. We will spread the hope that the Normandy has inspired, once more, throughout the skies of our families, our friends, our allies.”

She took a deep breath, caught Kaidan’s eye. He smiled warmly at her, nodding, encouraging. She smiled right back.

“We are a united galaxy, and it is an honor to fly with you under the Normandy’s name one last time.”

/////

**Year 2252**

“What’ve you got planned, T’soni.” Shepard asking, nodding to various crewmen who saluted the three of them as they entered past the Normandy’s decon bay.

“Oh nothing. Nothing at all.” Liara smirked innocently as they walked their way through the CIC. “When I heard word that Samantha was spear-heading the Normandy retirement retro-fits, I thought of a particular request, is all.”

At the Yeoman’s terminal, Traynor lifted her head eagerly upon hearing her name, looking over the at the three of them. 

“Oh, my god. Are you doing it? I’m so _excited_.” She bubbled excitedly, attempting to calm herself when Liara shot her a look. “Oh, right. Sorry. It’s a surprise and all.”

“What’s a surprise?” Kaidan inquired curiously, and Traynor shook her head.

“Oh, no. You have to wait and see for yourself. Liara’s already going to kill me.” She rang out in her accent, miming to zip her lips shut.

“EDI, take us to the first floor, please.” Liara tapped the elevator call button eagerly, smiling and shaking her head as the doors shut out a waving Traynor, leaving the three of them to themselves. When the elevator slid home, the door remained shut, and two pairs of eyes turned to stare at her quizzically.

“Alright, maybe I am up to something. Something small, I promise!” She laughed, shrugging her shoulders almost embarrassingly. 

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with the Normandy’s retirement tour next week, would it?” Shepard asked innocently, crossing her arms in a familiar stance.

“Maybe.” Liara replied, a slight flush spreading across her cheeks. “It’s just – I’ve been thinking. Reminiscing, more like. Of all the times – of all the memories we’ve built here, on this ship. I know I haven’t technically lived here in some time –”

“You’re a regular enough guest for people not to notice, Liara.” Kaidan pointed out warmly, and she smiled.

“I – thank you, Kaidan. But it really hit me, a few weeks ago. How odd it will be, when I can’t just – just call to the Normandy anymore, and wait to hear either of your voices. Or to not even receive an inappropriate question from Joker regarding my hair tentacles? It doesn’t seem right, somehow.”

“I know. I don’t think it’s hit us yet, either.” Shepard said, frowning slightly.

“That’s when I had this idea. It was you two, who got me thinking about it, really. When you got Joker his chair.”

Kaidan exchanged a smile with Shepard at that. “We couldn’t have the whole world thinking for even one second that that damn chair ever belonged to anyone but him.”

“Exactly.” Liara grinned back, continuing. “And that’s exactly why I thought of this. It’s – it’s small, I know. Maybe a little bit silly. But if the Normandy is going to dock itself permanently, and if curious eyes are going to walk her halls – well, I don’t want them to think for even one second that this ship was a home to anyone else. That it’s _Captain’s_ were anyone but the both of you.”

Her blue eyes looked up knowingly, nodding, and the doors opened quietly. 

The hall between their cabin door and them was but a few paces, and at first nothing seemed amiss. The familiar lettering etched out, slightly worn, against the bulkhead: _Deck 1; Captain’s Cabin_. But at second glance, they noticed a metal frame by the entry panel, gold-plated and shining pristinely amidst the weathered steel.

_“Entrance Permitted Under Authorization of Occupants J. Shepard & K. Alenko”_

“Oh, Liara.” She said after a moment, turning to face her. “I don’t think it’s quite Alliance spec, but…something tells me Hackett won’t have a problem with it.”

“Anyone does, I’m happy to use my Spectre status to stop them.” Kaidan joked, staring at the lettering intently. He reached out to touch the plate gently with his fingertips, smiling softly.

“You like it, then?” Liara asked, a pleased flush taking over her cheeks. They were silent for a moment, and Shepard felt an unexpected tingling behind her eyes. 

“Liara…it’s perfect.”

They stayed there just like that, gazing at it wistfully, until Traynor impatiently careened herself up the elevator to join them a few minutes later.

/////

**Year 2250**

“Do I finally get to find out why I was booted off of my own damn ship for two days?”

Joker was grumbling beside him, and Kaidan smiled. 

“You do. And you weren’t _booted off_ , you were asked nicely.”

“You literally threatened to use your Spectre status to have my ass evicted if I didn’t take some mandatory shore leave. If that wasn’t getting booted off, I don’t know what is.” 

They were walking along the docks, slowly with Joker’s increasingly stiff movements as they rolled into their old age. His disease hadn’t been kind to his lower body, but his fingers could still fly across the Normandy’s flight screens like no one else.

Beside him, Kaidan smiled, pausing his steps to account for Joker’s slow gait.

“I assure you, it was worth the, _ah_ , boot.”

They made their way up the steps to the decon bay, pausing as the familiar whoosh of the doors slid shut behind them. Joker’s irritated grumblings were cut short when the cockpit slid open, revealing a neat line of marines standing in perfect salute down the aisle. 

“I – what? What’s going on? Are we expecting someone?” Joker stammered uncertainly, frowning. “Is this why you pushed me out? Because some fancy Alliance higher-up wanted my baby polished clean enough for their damn presence?”

“Joker – no. They’re here for _you_.” Kaidan said quietly, stifling a laugh. 

He hobbled inside gently, eyes wide. Marines stretched out and around the CIC, each in perfect salute, more than one with a happy expression on their face. To their left, down in the cockpit, Shepard and EDI were waiting, their arms pulled politely behind their backs.

“Flight Lieutenant Moreau. Glad you could make it. Sorry for the – what did you tell Admiral Alenko here? I think it was, ‘mandatory eviction bullshit’? – we’ll go with, _mission disturbance_.” Shepard said wryly, smirking. Joker flushed a bit at that.

“I – sorry, ma’am. I don’t take too kindly to being apart from my baby unless absolutely necessary.”

“I understand. Which is exactly why we required that you leave. The Normandy needed a little…upgrade, courtesy of Admiral Alenko here.” She continued, her eyes twinkling.

Joker’s eyes narrowed, and he shot Kaidan a look. 

“ _Upgrades_? You upgraded her without consulting me?” He said sharply, and Kaidan chuckled.

“I did. But, something tells me you’re going to like it.” He gestured with his arm, and Joker took a step forward disbelievingly, peering around. Shepard and EDI stepped back dutifully as he approached, and as his eyes laid upon his flight chair, he stilled. 

“Is that…” He asked, voice giving way. 

“It’s better than leather seats, no?” Shepard teased at his side. It appeared as though he didn’t hear her; instead, he stepped forward, reaching a hand to run over the back of the seat carefully.

_Property of SSV Normandy SR-2 Pilot  
Flight Lieutenant Jeff “Joker” Moreau_

The fabric had been refurnished, the handles polished, but it was the metal frame bolted to the back that had his brows furrowed disconcertingly. After a silent moment, he spoke, turning back to glance at Kaidan with an odd look in his eye.

“I – thank you.” His voice was gruff, the pitch too low.

“We couldn’t have the Normandy approach her retirement years and not have the galaxy know _exactly_ who this seat belongs to, could we.” Kaidan replied earnestly, smiling. 

Joker chuckled, glancing at the marines that still held crisp salutes, at Shepard and EDI smiling warmly at him. He brought his arm up, saluting right back.

“It’s been a goddamned honor.”

/////

**Year 2245**

“Oh, _shit!_ ” 

The medbay burst into merry applause, a raucous chorus of cheers and shrieks of joy as a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy proceeded to spray throughout the room. More than one occupant was covered in the sweet substance, and jeers of laughter could be heard as Doctor Chakwas stood dumbfounded, the near-empty bottle still in her hand.

“ _That’s_ how you crack a damn bottle, ma’am.” James called from the back, and Shepard grinned eagerly at that.

“I was more hoping to get good and drunk off that bottle, James.” Chakwas replied dryly, laughing beside herself.

“Don’t worry, Karin. We ordered more than one for the occasion. Think of this as leaving your mark.” Shepard said wryly, wiping a spray of brandy on her face with a grin. Chakwas chuckled, shaking her head bemusedly at them all.

“I’ll have to remember this one. My entire Normandy family, covered in my favorite brandy to celebrate my retirement. It’s a moment to remember, for sure.”

“To Doctor Chakwas, on her well-deserved retirement. The Normandy won’t be the same without you.” Shepard raised her empty glass, the others following suit. There would be opportunity to pour more drink later – for now, they had to honor an old friend.

“ _To Chakwas_!” A resonating chorus rang through, and tears formed behind the old doctor’s eyes.

“It’s been an honor.” She said, smiling brightly. 

They drank until the rest of the bottles ran dry, singing merrily in the medbay well into the evening.

/////

**Year 2233**

“You alright?”

Shepard had spent the better part of twenty minutes trying to find her husband. She finally found him sitting outside, away from the lights and noise, gazing up at the Normandy thoughtfully from its perch along the shoreline.

“Yeah, I’m alright. Just needed a break – you know how it is.” Kaidan said softly, turning to smile at her. He patted the ground next to him in invitation, an offer that she took readily. 

“I do. Headache?” She asked, smoothing her dress out and resting her head on his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around her easily, tucking her in even closer.

“No, I’m alright. Just wanted some quiet.” He said reassuringly, placing a kiss onto her forehead. She smiled at the gesture.

“You holding up okay?” Her voice came out teasing, and his lips quirked up at the tone.

“Yeah, I’m alright. I will be, anyway.” He was silent for a moment, thinking. “How is our daughter _married_ , Jane? Where did our little girl go?”

“She didn’t go anywhere, Kaidan. She’s still here, forever seeking your guidance. She’s daddy’s girl, after all. Always will be.” She pressed a kiss into his suit jacket, burrowing deeper into his warmth. He hummed in response, looking out.

“Remember that time on the Normandy? When she fell asleep in the medbay and we couldn’t find her anywhere? Almost parked the ship in the dead of space just to look for her.”

“I remember that. Karin liked to show her how all the medical interfaces worked. She found the noises more comforting than Donnelly's snoring.”

“Damn well scared me half to death.” He said wistfully, sighing. “Or when Adams had her replace the bolts in the bow shaft?”

“She was the only one who fit, at six years old.”

“She was always so eager to learn. She wanted to learn everything.”

“She still does. She got that from you, you know.”

“Yeah, maybe. But she got your curiosity. So small and quiet, always sneaking up on everyone. I think she almost gave Garrus a heart attack nearly half a dozen times.”

Shepard laughed at that, remembering Garrus’ complaints over his tool fondly.

“Yeah. Or when she caught Ken and Gabby making out under the engineering deck?”

“Never seen Donnelly blush like that before, when I told him what my four-year-old daughter asked me about.” Kaidan chuckled, exhaling softly. “She’s so beautiful, Jane. She’s so – good. How’d we get so lucky?”

“We raised her that way, idiot.” She reminded him softly. “We all did.”

“Yeah. You know, I was worried about raising her on a starship. Thought it might do more harm than good. But I think…I think the Normandy was a good home for her, don’t you think?”

“The best.” She smiled, holding onto his hand and lacing her fingers through his as they stared at the hull pensively. The reverie was broken when they heard a door crack open behind them, light from the room spilling out over their backs and the dull roar of music hitting their ears.

“There you guys are. Do you have a moment?” Ashley stuck her head out, a radiant smile on her face. 

“Of course. What does our lovely daughter need on her wedding day?” Kaidan asked, pressing another kiss to Jane's forehead. The sweet gesture made both women smile.

“The two of you. I convinced Liara to play your wedding song – looks like I owe James some money, by the way. He was right; it only took three martinis, not four.” Ashley shrugged, grinning. “Anyway, I thought you could join us for a dance.”

“Liara’s going to play our wedding song?” Shepard asked, surprised. 

“Yeah. I wanted – well, I wanted to share a dance with my new husband in your honor. If that’s alright with you, of course.” She hesitated, still smiling. She was absolutely radiant – her cheeks flushed from drinks and dancing, her white dress glowing against her olive skin, her dark hair spilling out around her face. 

Beside her, she felt Kaidan tense.

“Are you kidding? We’ll be right there.” Shepard finally said, and Ashley beamed.

“Thanks. I’ll see you in there. Grandma’s going to join us, too; James asked her. You can’t miss us, we’re standing next to Wrex.” Laughing, she shut the door behind her, dulling the music out once more. Chuckling, Shepard turned back to face Kaidan, who had stubbornly kept his face looking outward at the Normandy.

“Keep it together, Alenko. You can save the tears for after, alright?”

“Yeah, I…” He trailed off, huffing exasperatedly as he closed his eyes stubbornly. “Oh, shut up.”

“I love you.” She said, laughing, pulling herself to her feet. He chuckled, shaking his head, following after her and straightening his suit, his eyes twinkling a little more so than usual.

“I love you, too. And remind me to thank Vega later, my mom will really appreciate that.”

“Already made a note. Now let’s go watch a drunk Liara play music in front of a crowd of people as though it _won’t_ make her feel completely mortified come the morning.”

“Aye-aye, my lovely wife.”

/////

**Year 2211**

“Holy shit. Why does it feel like we just travelled through time?”

Joker stated his question rhetorically, Kaidan knew, but it rang true nonetheless.

“Because we practically did. It looks – well, it looks as good as ever. Like nothing ever happened. Liara wasn’t kidding.” He muttered back, peering out of the Normandy’s cockpit windows curiously.

The Citadel roared into view, the familiar purple swirls of the Widow Nebula beckoning the Normandy with its welcoming gleam. It was a far cry from the deplorable floating satellite it had resorted to in its decade-long residency over Earth’s orbit. 

It had been brought back to the Widow Nebula when complaints of its effect on the tidal system were proving more troubling than Earth could handle – but still it had remained a catastrophic skeleton of the engineering masterpiece it had been before the Reaper war.

Until now, that is.

_“Welcome to the Citadel, Normandy.”_

A voice cut through the coms – a familiar voice. 

“Well, well, if it isn’t my favorite asari. How’s eternity working for you these days? Are you still embracing it?”

_“I missed you too, Joker. You can proceed to docking bay C17. I’ll await your arrival there.”_

“Aye-aye, Dr. T’soni.” Joker grinned back into the com, locking in the coordinates and turning to face Kaidan with a humorous expression. “You hear that? She missed me.”

“I think that was a good example of the term ‘placating’.” He said dryly. Behind him, Shepard made her way up the aisle, her gait slow and curious.

“Looks a far cry different from what I remember it looking last.” She said quietly, her eyes wide, tone impressed. “It’s almost as if the Catalyst never happened.”

“Ah, yes, the miracle of engineering. What can be destroyed, can be rebuilt.” Joker snorted, turning back to the window to gaze out with them. “Let’s just hope that this time, for all the renovating I’m sure they’ve done, they keep their channels focused on what the hell happened to this damn galaxy instead of gardening trends. If I so much as hear one goddamn advertisement for _Blasto_ when we land, I swear to Liara’s goddess I’ll poke my own eyes out.”

They were silent for a moment, taking in the views as the ward arms approached ever closer.

“If you’ll excuse me,” Kaidan said conspicuously, straightening himself upright, “I have a call to make.”

“To who?” Shepard asked, brow raised.

“Liara. Let’s see how well you keep your word, Moreau.” He said, winking, before making his way back down the galley. 

Joker glared at his receding back, his eyes narrowed dangerously.

“Son of a bitch is gonna make her put _Blasto_ commercials on in the docking bay, isn’t he.”

/////

**Year 2205**

_“Good morning, fellow crewmen!”_

Kaidan paused, his toothbrush hanging from his mouth.

_“It’s another great day aboard the Normandy today. If you look out your observation windows, you’ll see the empty void of space. Flight Lieutenant Joker tells me that we will be passing a, um…what was it called again?”_

_“A supergiant.”_ Traynor’s voice cut through the com for a second, her voice struggling to contain a laugh.

_“Oh, that’s right. A supergiant star. I think that means it’s really big.”_

Shepard poked her head into the bathroom, her eyebrows shot up as she buttoned her shirt up. He shrugged back, grinning.

It wasn’t every morning you woke up to the sound of your daughter’s voice blasting over the intercom throughout the damn ship.

_“For breakfast, we’re running low on the egg muffin sandwiches, but there’s lots of granola bars left. Garrus would like to remind everyone that the bars in the purple box are dextro, so if you eat those he’s going to get really upset and you’ll probably get really sick.”_

_“The requisitions, love.”_

_“Right. Um, kindly remember to place food request slips to the – requisitions officer – did I say that right? – by the end of the day.”_

_“That’s right.”_

_“Oh, and, uh, if anyone has seen Engineer Adams’ thermal pipe adjustor, he has asked you let him know. Apparently it looks like a screwdriver but its bigger and pointier. Uh, I think…I think that’s all. Your daily Normandy news has been brought to you by specialist-in-training Ashley Alenko. Have a pleasant day!”_

The com turned off, and Kaidan spit into the sink, barely holding back a bout of incredulous chuckles.

“Well, that was new.”

“No kidding. I didn’t even think she’d be awake yet.” Shepard replied, grinning. “I don’t think anyone will mind, though. Nothing quite like hearing news through the mouth of a seven-year-old. Where’d she get the idea?”

“Ah, that was probably my fault.” He washed the sink out, still smiling broadly. “Student volunteers at the academy give announcements like that every morning. Mostly to remind biotics not to throw crap around in the hallways, but, uh, yeah. She loves listening to them whenever I have her with me over there.”

“Right. Well.” Straightening her BDU’s, she pressed a hurried kiss to his cheek. “I guess I’m off to grab a granola bar then. _And_ give our daughter a kiss.”

“Give her one from me, too. We’d better watch out; she’s turning into a real marine.” He paused, gazing at her cheekily with a raised brow. “I wonder where she got that from?”

/////

**Year 2198**

_TZorah: Do you have time to come by the engineering deck? There’s something I’d like to show you._

Shepard looked down at her tool, frowning slightly at Tali’s message. She’d been aboard for a few weeks now, content to spend her time aboard the Normandy while Garrus was away on a month-long assignment out in the Omega system.

“Joker, can you handle this radio garbage? Tali needs me in engineering.”

“Why yes, Shepard, I’ll be sure to tell Alliance command that you referred to their messages as _garbage_. Best damn assignment I’ve had all week.” He grinned up at her cheekily from under his hat, and she rolled her eyes with a smile.

“Well, maybe if they had their new recruits not jamming up the Normandy’s private frequency, I wouldn’t have to refer to it as garbage in the first place.” She smirked, patting his shoulder as she made her way to the elevator.

The floor slowed and stopped, and she walked briskly out and back into the bow of the ship. When the engineering room doors slid open, the image before her made her jaw drop, stilling in her place.

Because of all things that Shepard expected to see, _this_ was not it.

“ _Tali_.” She exclaimed, wordlessly opening her mouth but unable to form words. She decided to just stare and blink, instead. Tali was beaming at her from her spot at the port computer station – beaming, she knew, because she wasn’t wearing her enviro-suit. 

“Shepard!” She cried, her teeth flashing. Her eyes were alight, her skin beautifully pale, the faintest violet undertone just peeking through. Her dark hair tumbled out in waves around her shoulders and she touched it nervously with gloveless fingers.

“You – Tali, your _suit_! Are you – is this alright?” She asked, a nervous smile breaking out over her face. She glanced around and saw a beaming Chakwas on the far wall, Adams beside her with a happy smile of his own.

“Gave me quite a shock too, Commander. Came down here to find her like this, acting like nothing was amiss. Gave me quite a scare, at first. Wanted to know who the hell was mucking around on my console.” Adams chuckled, shaking his head.

“It’s alright! You know I’ve been taking my suit off on Rannoch for years now. Doctor Chakwas and I have been working on exposing myself to new environments, too.” Tali was wringing her hands, a familiar nervous gesture that Shepard noticed fondly. “I’ve been working on boosting my immune system, so I could start testing it in environments outside of Rannoch’s atmosphere. Since the Normandy is my second home – I wanted to try it here, first. I’ve been taking immune system boosters for weeks, now, but I think it will be alright. I’m just going to try it for a few hours and see how I do.”

“And I’ll be here if you need anything, but I think you’re going to be just fine, Tali. Your white blood cell count is exceptionally high, especially for a quarian.” Chakwas said soothingly, an elated smile on her face.

Shepard stared at her for a moment longer, stunned. She’d seen Tali without her mask on a small handful of times, now – when they had relieved Rannoch from its control by the geth, all those years ago. And every now and again, when she would vidcom her from the surface, Shepard would be pleasantly surprised at seeing her happy face. But to have her aboard the Normandy, being able to smell the same air – 

“You look so...beautiful, Tali. So happy. I’m so happy for you.” She said tightly, suddenly feeling rather overcome. As though sensing this, Tali ran forward eagerly, pulling her into a tight embrace.

“ _Keelah_ , Shepard. Thank you. I feel like I’m finally…I’m finally one of you.” She whispered into her ear, and Shepard was fascinated with the long curls of her hair, at how thick and smooth the texture was compared to human tresses. 

“You were always one of us, Tali.” She said reassuringly, smiling.

“I know. But I always felt, in a way, that I was stuck inside a private ship of my own, my own tiny vessel. But now I can finally share the same vessel as all of you.” 

Her words were quiet, meek. Shepard hugged her tighter, the gesture returned eagerly by Tali’s smaller frame. She whispered into her ear, the heat of Tali’s skin pressing into her cheek.

“Welcome aboard, Tali’Zorah vas Rannoch.”

/////

**Year 2195**

_“Hey, Shepard? You might want to get down to the docking bay.”_

Joker’s voice cut through the room, and Shepard raised her brows at her guests. Across from her in the board room sat Wrex and Bakara, flanked by Kaidan, and all three of them wore similar startled expressions at the obvious stress in his voice. They were meeting above the atmosphere of the newest planetary settlement recently signed over to the Krogan as part of their expansion agreement. 

They’d been aboard for but a few minutes, young Mordin in tow, and another krogan youngling cradled carefully in Bakara’s arms. 

“Everything alright?” She spoke back through her tool, waiting.

They didn’t have to wait long.

_“Oh no, everything is fine. That is, if you call a sparring match between Mordin and James fine. Cortez says they’ve already punched a hole through the docking pads; I can feel the weight shifting around in the Normandy’s ass from here.”_

Wrex laughed heartily at that, Bakara sending him a withering look through her veil.

Kaidan stood promptly, smirking beside himself. “I’ll, uh – I’ll head down to the docking bay.”

“Sorry, Shepard. Leave it to my offspring to waste no more than ten minutes before finding someone to brawl with. We’ve raised a strong krogan, Bakara! You should be proud.”

“His behavior is brutish and disrespectful. He knows better than to partake in a sparring match aboard a vessel that isn’t his own – I apologize, Captain. I think we both know where this particular aspect of his personality comes from.” Bakara spoke to her evenly, standing and moving to follow in Kaidan’s wake.

Alone, Shepard spared a glance at Wrex, who was still chuckling in his seat.

“You know Wrex, it’s good to have you aboard again.”

/////

**Year 2190**

“Glyph, can you help coordinate everyone? We need to make sure we can fit everyone on camera.”

Liara called out to her drone feebly, to the chuckle of everyone else in the crowd. The sun was glinting off the Normandy’s hull, and they had gathered around as close as they feasibly could without getting their shoes wet in the roaring ocean waves.

Kaidan was lifting the skirt of her dress gingerly in his fingers, a dopey smile on his face as he gazed at her adoringly. 

“Don’t want this beautiful white to get muddied up from the sand.” He said into her ear, kissing her cheek as she sidled her back closer into his chest. 

“Why thank you, dear husband.” She smiled back, settling into position and keeping her eye on the drone as it hovered in front of them all.

_“Mr. Vega, you are blocking Mr. Cortez. We suggest you move behind him to ensure greater individual humanoid visibility.” Glyph stated eloquently, to the chuckle of others amongst the crowd._

“What can I say, these guns are just too big for you all to handle!” James cried happily, shuffling behind Cortez, who rolled his eyes exasperatedly. 

“They wouldn’t be so large if you could select a suit that actually _fit_ , Mr. Vega. A size too small isn’t doing you any favors.”

“Hey, I don’t see the ladies complaining. You complaining, Doc? Sparks?”

“Watch it, Vega, or I’ll be blowing some sparks your way through my omni-tool in a way that you will not enjoy.” Garrus drawled from the back.

“Alright, alright! Mrs. Alenko, then. You don’t mind, right?”

“Seriously, Vega? My _mom_?”

“It’s alright, dear. I forgot how funny you Alliance men are.”

 _“Can everybody smile at the holo-camera, please?”_ Glyph requested, and there was a chorus of shuffling, bodies rearranging themselves in one last attempt to position themselves accordingly. _“Now everyone say, ‘happy wedding day’!”_

“ _HAPPY WEDDING DAY!_ ” Came the chorus of voices, and Glyph’s shutter went off with a flash.

/////

**Year 2187**

It was 0300, and Kaidan was more than a little curious as to where Shepard had gone off to. He remembered the evening perfectly – they’d fallen asleep after a few bottles of beer, celebrating their reinstatement and talking late into the night. It was their first mission aboard the Normandy after the Reaper War – it had been a ten-month-long journey home for him and the crew, and a ten-month-long recovery for Shepard after the catalyst had blown. So when he’d woken up hazily in the middle of the night, reaching out for her familiar frame only to find an empty bed – he became understandably concerned.

Which was how, at 0300, he had thrown on his BDU’s and was wandering around the Normandy in a curious effort to find her.

Leaving the elevator, he gingerly tiptoed into the mess hall. The Normandy was dimmed for night mode, but a crack of light and soft laughter was spilling out from beneath the medbay doors.

He stumbled into the bay, wiping his eyes blearily at the sudden burst of bright light. Much to his surprise, Doctor Chakwas and Shepard were sitting on one of the med beds in their pajamas, a half-empty bottle of Serrice Icy Brandy wedged between them. They cut their laughter off, turning to gaze at him curiously.

“Kaidan!” Shepard exclaimed happily, throwing her arms up in the air. He blinked. She was wasted.

“Major Alenko! Sorry, _Captain_ Alenko. Come join us for a glass, hmm?” Chakwas held out her own glass in a wobbly hand, a large grin on her face. He blinked again. She was wasted, too.

“Uh, I’m alright, thanks. What, uh…what are we celebrating?” He asked with a smirk, suddenly both very curious and very much amused.

“We are celebrating _us_ , Kaidan! Life! Here I thought we were never going to make it, but you two managed to pull it together and bring us back home. What better toast could there possibly be!” Chakwas exclaimed proudly, and he chuckled.

“Right.”

“Karin and I,” Shepard went on with a smile, filling up their glasses once more, “made a pact to always share a bottle of this brandy every year. Well, we missed last year, because you guys were still…were still out _there_.”

“There, there, dear, I told you. We made it back as quick as we could.” Chakwas put a hand on her arm reassuringly.

“I know, I know, but I _missed_ you. I missed our _ship_.”

“We’re here now, and we are celebrating its return! And we are never going to let it be parted from you for that long again.” Chakwas hiccuped suddenly, pausing to catch her breath. “Besides, I’m certain that a certain Major here – sorry, _Captain_ – won’t let you out of his sight.”

“Is that so?” Shepard asked, wiggling her eyebrows. Kaidan sighed, crossing his arms.

“Karin –”

“No, really. The amount of times I saw him moping – the man wandered around here with a broken heart the whole damn time.”

“Karin.”

“Did he really?”

“Always with a faraway look in his eyes, always with his mind wandering somewhere else. It was all _so_ romantic, really.”

_“Karin.”_

“Then he perked right up the second we got wind that you were alive. He was practically skipping across the decks!” Chakwas finished with a flourish, raising her cup in toast.

Shepard sent him a wide smile, giggling into her cup as she took another sip. He rolled his eyes, trying to keep himself from turning red. “I’m going to bed. You two enjoy your brandy.”

They were still giggling behind him as he turned and walked out of the med bay. As the doors shut behind him, he paused.

“Hey, EDI?”

 _“Yes, Captain Alenko?”_ Came her smooth feminine voice.

“Is there, uh, any chance you can do me a small favor?” He asked, trying to sound innocent. To his incredible surprise, EDI responded instantly.

_“If you are inquiring whether I am able to capture a holo-image of Doctor Chakwas and Captain Shepard, the answer is that I already have.”_

His eyebrows shot up. “You have?”

 _“Yes. I have developed a fascination for holo-images. I find reflecting on them elicits feelings of happiness and nostalgia. It is a very curious emotion.”_ Her voice paused, and he tried to hide his developing grin. _“I thought you might be happy to hear that.”_

“I sure am, EDI.” He paused, chuckling again when he heard the telltale sounds of another glass being filled behind him. “And, uh, thanks.”

_“My pleasure. EDI, out.”_

He made his way back to their cabin, slipping out of his clothes and crawling back beneath the sheets. Curling the sheets around him, they were still warm, and the scent of Jane’s skin was still upon them. It lulled him back into an easy sleep, a happy smile on his face.

It was so good to have Jane home.

/////

**Year 2186**

“Legion?”

Shepard stilled as the elevator doors opened, surprised to find its (‘his’, she pondered?) hulking metal frame standing before the memorial wall with an almost curious expression (his light-fixture was half-dimmed – did that mean he was thinking? She couldn’t be sure). After a moment’s pause, he turned, acknowledging her presence as she sidled to stand beside him.

“Shepard-Commander. This unit is pondering the purpose of this idol.” 

“It’s not an idol, Legion. It’s a memorial.” She stole a glance at him, shifting on her feet when he was silent, obviously waiting for a deeper explanation. “Organics do not operate within a collective consciousness. When we die, our thoughts and memories lie uniquely within ourselves. In other words, when we lose people, we lose their…soul. By building this memorial, we’ve chosen to honor those we have lost. It’s a way of remembering them, so they aren’t forgotten.”

“As organics, you spend your existence learning and developing yourselves, only to pass a small portion of it on to the next generation. The vast majority of knowledge gained in the lifetime is lost. We see this as…inefficient.”

“It is inefficient, sure. But that’s what makes us unique.” She turned to face the names that bore before her, smiling. “See this name here? Thane?”

“This unit was acquainted with that organic.”

“That’s right. Thane fought until his last breath to protect the Citadel, the Normandy, our crew – now every person who ever walks aboard this ship, can reflect on his sacrifice. They can honor him and the future that he fought for.”

Legion paused, the whirring of his circuitry the only sound between them.

“You value your fellow organics based on their individual accomplishments.” He stated, a question.

“Sometimes, yes. But, not always.” Her eyes roved over, landing on a name that stung perhaps more than others. “You see this name, here?”

“Ashley Williams.”

“That’s right. She was – she was loyal. She could be stubborn, and quick to judge. But she had a good heart. She cared very deeply. And she was funny – she was so _funny_ , Legion. She could set an entire room of anxious marines at ease with her smart tongue.”

“We are geth. We are not created to be…funny.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t be. And it doesn’t mean you don’t have other admirable qualities to you.” Shepard stated kindly, waiting. 

“This unit is not an identity. We fight on behalf of the geth. We fight to restore order to the galaxy. We fight to stop the old machines. Our consciousness contains the memories of all units – we have no need to be remembered in this way.” He said flatly, as though confused.

She smiled, touching his armor – her armor, she reminded herself bemusedly – gently. 

“Whether you like it or not, Legion, you’ve affected this crew. Not as a geth unit, but as _you_. Legion. And that’s how we will remember you by.”

/////

**Year 2185**

“Shepard. I didn’t mean to intrude – I’ll leave you be.”

Startled, she spun around. She had been in the observation deck, gazing out mindlessly, allowing her thoughts to wander. So lost she had been, she hadn’t even heard Thane enter the room behind her.

“No! No, that’s alright. You’re not intruding. I could probably use some company, really.” She chuckled, gesturing beside her. He was quiet, gazing at her inquisitively for a moment before acquiescing, coming to stand next to her with his back straight. His movements were catlike, she couldn’t help but notice – the man never made a rustling of noise.

“It looks as though you were in a faraway place.” Thane said quietly, staring out with her. “I too like to come aboard here from time to time. For some reason, looking out provides a sense of…peace.”

“I come here for the same reason.” She admitted softly, exhaling. “Sometimes, it’s nice to feel small. Makes everything else feel less…pressing.”

Thane hummed, readjusting his hands behind his back. The silence between them was comfortable, she noticed – she liked that about him. He had a sort of calmness that permeated from him.

“There is something bothering you.” He stated, and she chuckled darkly.

“This whole mission is bothering me, Thane. Doesn’t it bother you?”

He chuckled back, glancing at her in what she could only describe as a pensive manner – she was certainly no expert on drell facial expressions.

“I find the impending inevitability of my death has removed me of feelings such as those, I’m afraid. Please forgive me for the lack of empathy.” Thane’s low voice drawled out, and she couldn’t help but smirk at that. Clearing his throat, he continued. “But that wasn’t what I was referring to. Forgive me, Shepard, if I’m being intrusive. But I know this look you wear – I’ve worn it many times myself.”

“And what look is that?” She asked feebly, turning back to gaze out the window.

“It’s the look of a broken heart.”

Surprised, she stiffened. After a few moments, she shakily exhaled a breath she didn’t even realize she’d been holding. 

“Am I that transparent?” She asked wearily, and he laughed beside her, the sound calming her and allowing a small laugh to rise from her own chest.

“No, not at all. As I said, I just recognize the look. Grief carries a heavy burden, but only to those who know to look for it.”

“Hmm. Your wife?” She asked, and he nodded.

“Yes. And I see the same look in you, now.” He took a deep breath, smiling briefly at her, encouraging. “You do not need to speak of it. I just thought I would offer an ear, if you needed one. Sometimes, talking about it can help ease some of the weight, if only just to release some of the words you keep bottled up.”

She hummed, quiet, reveling in the easy conversation. 

“I was…I died, two years ago. You know this – Cerberus brought me back.”

Thane nodded, turning his eyes to gaze out of the window respectfully. He was intent, listening.

“I had someone – someone back then. Someone that I cared very deeply for. I’ve been alone, most of my life. I never had a family, I’ve never had anyone that had gotten so close to me before.”

“This person found a way into your heart, where no other had ever been. I know the feeling well.” Thane commented, sighing softly. She nodded.

“That’s right. I’d never been so…happy.” She laughed airily at that, blinking hard. “He was there, when I died. I ordered him off, and he watched as I never made the escape pods with the rest of my crew.”

“He has been grieving your death, unbeknownst that you would remain alive.”

“Yes. And when I woke up, I didn’t – I had no way of contacting him. It had been two years for him, but a blink of an eye for me, and I just wanted to – to find him, to explain everything, but I’ve barely had a moment to just sit and think.”

Thane made a small noise, as though understanding something.

“The soldier you met on Horizon. That was him?”

She exhaled heavily. “Yeah, that was him.”

“You love him?” 

She was quiet at that, startled by the question. Did she love him? She’d never been in love before. She’d seen the look in people’s eyes, but had never experienced it for herself. She thought of Kaidan, then, of how he’d looked at her. He had looked at her like that – his eyes had always softened around the edges when he’d gazed at her, touching her as though she couldn’t possibly be real. It had made her chest tighten, her fingers tingle, her heart quicken. She was struck, then, at a sudden feeling of loss.

Because yes, yes she did love him. Very much so.

“Yes. I do.”

“Tell me about him.” Thane said, smiling. The question surprised her, and she took a moment to think about where to begin.

“I, he…he’s very stubborn. The most stubborn person I’ve ever met, actually.” She chuckled at that, shifting on her feet. “And he’s intelligent. Sharp, logical, quick. Can deliver a snarky one-liner that goes over all but the most quick-witted of heads. But he has this quiet sort of confidence to him. When he does speak, you know it’s important, but he prefers to let his actions speak for him. He cares deeply, but places that care delicately. He doesn’t let people in very easily.”

The words tumbled out of her, one sentence rolling quickly into the next, and beside her Thane was smiling broadly. She stopped when she noticed this, a flush rising to her cheeks. 

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I asked.” He said simply, contemplating. “What are you worried about, Shepard?”

“I’m worried that he won’t believe me. That he’ll never forgive me. That he’ll – forget me.” She said, her voice faltering a bit. Thane made a small sound of disagreement.

“I had heard he was very angry on Horizon.” He stated, and she nodded. “Then you have no reason to think he’ll forget you, Shepard. It would appear in all likelihood that he has done quite the opposite. He hasn’t stopping thinking of you.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Love and anger are two sides of the same coin. You say he cares deeply? That he is stubborn? That he guards his heart?” Thane waited for her to nod before continuing. “Then there is no anger as deep as the kind rooted in a broken heart. Anger is an emotion of many needs, but its primary function is to disguise pain. If he is the man you describe him as, then it sounds to me as though he simply needs time.”

“Time?” She asked. “Is there nothing else I can say?”

“You can be honest with him.”

“I have been. He didn’t want to listen.”

“Well of course he didn’t want to listen. He’s stubborn, remember?” Thane deadpanned, and it made her laugh. Smirking, as though pleased, he continued. “If he’d forgotten you, if he’d moved on – he would not have reacted with anger. I imagine your situation would have shocked him. It isn’t exactly a…logical sort of turn of events.”

“Certainly not.”

“Then be patient. Let your actions speak for you. In time, he will come to see our mission here by the good it is causing, not by the organization that brands it. Be open with him. Allow him to see your heart, to feel your genuine care. He may reject it, at first, but be consistent. Allow him to question you. Remind him with your words and your decisions that you still care. Be an open book, permit him to see every page, and in time – he will find the logic that lies there, no matter how unlikely it may be.”

She was quiet for a long time, allowing his words to wash over her. With a shuddering breath, she turned to look at him, a grateful smile on her face.

“Thank you, Thane. That was – I feel a lot lighter already.”

“There is no burden heavier than one of the heart.” He said knowingly, bowing his head in acquiesce. They stood there in silence, gazing out of the window into the vastness of stars that lay before them.

She felt hope flare anew, deep within her chest. Thane was right. She would be patient – it was exactly what Kaidan would need from her. That bit of time to make sense of things on his own terms, to gain confidence in her again.

And in the meantime, she had a hell of a mission to complete to ensure there was enough time to make it happen.

/////

**Year 2183**

“LT. You feeding a small army I don’t know about?”

Williams was eyeing him disbelievingly, fork stilled in midair, as he dropped his tray across from her in the mess. Kaidan merely shrugged, having long gotten used to the unusual looks he’d receive at mealtimes.

“Biotics need a few more calories than your average human, Chief.” He said, and she snorted.

“Well, yeah. I didn’t grow up under a damn rock. _Everyone_ knows that. I meant, how in the hell are you going to be able to fit that all in your stomach?” She poked her fork at the food piled high on his plate. He chuckled at that, unrolling his cutlery with a smirk.

“Williams, you’re in for a treat.”

She scoffed, rolling her eyes playfully, before resuming picking at her eggs. A few other marines passed by them in greeting, both of them raising a coffee cup and saying their hello’s, before Commander Shepard surprised them both by sitting unassumingly beside Kaidan without so much as a word.

“Uh – morning, ma’am.” Williams said bemusedly, eyeing Kaidan with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

“Morning, Williams. Alenko.” Shepard took a bite from a protein bar, chewing thoughtfully whilst gazing at a datapad, before looking up at them. “I’m sorry. Was I interrupting something?”

“No, ma’am.” Kaidan said quickly, resuming his breakfast. Williams smirked, shuffling in her seat.

“I was just teasing the LT here about his eating habits. Am I the only person around here who’s confused as to how he fits it all in? Or where it even _goes_?” Williams eyed him curiously, causing a slight flush to raise to his cheeks. Before he could interject, however, Shepard chuckled, turning her eyes back to her pad.

“He’s a biotic, Chief. Hell, if he wants to eat all the rations in the entire damn kitchen he can be my guest, so long as he keeps tossing husks across the battlefield like they’re grains of sand under his boot.” She said bemusedly. Kaidan smiled at this, swallowing another large mouthful.

“Thank you, Commander. I think.”

“You’re most welcome.”

“Say, Commander.” Williams leaned forward, coffee cup gripped between her hands. “I just realized, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat a hot meal around this place. The egg muffins aren’t that bad, you know.”

At this, Shepard looked up again, only to frown down at her protein bar. Beside her, Kaidan was still shoveling food into his mouth, quietly waiting for her to speak. 

“I, uh – I’m afraid cooking isn’t exactly a talent of mine, Chief.” She shrugged, taking another bite. “Besides, Alliance bars haven’t failed me yet. They’ve got all the nutrients I need.”

“Well, yeah, sure. Agricultural modification and all that. But – it can’t exactly _taste_ good, day in and day out, you know what I mean?” Williams pressed nosily. Shepard was quiet again, eyeing the two of them good-naturedly. As though resigning herself, she put her pad down, swallowing heavily.

“Back when I was on Arcturus Station, my roommate at the time was a great cook. She spoiled me, made my meals for me every day and everything. Only thing I had to do was keep my side of the room tidy – that was easy enough; hell, I grew up on the streets. Just having half a room to call my own was a luxury in and of itself. I don’t exactly carry around a lot of personal items.” Shepard smiled easily, reminiscing. Whether she was aware of it or not, both Kaidan and Williams had their eyes fixated on her – it wasn’t often that Shepard offered personal information about herself. Largely, in the few days they’d been aboard, her personality had remained a mystery.

“Anyway, one day she came down with a mild strain of the batarian flu. She asked me to grab us these – these _breakfast burritos_ , premade stuff, but pretty good when you warmed them up. All I had to do was put them in the damn microwave.” She chuckled, taking a sip of coffee. “I put them in the microwave, alright.”

“Blew them up, ma’am?” Kaidan offered between bites, his eyebrows raised humorously. She shook her head, laughing, sitting back in her chair.

“Worse. Forgot to take all the packaging off. Damn things caught on fire; we had to evacuate the entire mess hall.” 

They all laughed easily at that, with Shepard shrugging in defeat, stuffing the rest of the bar into her mouth. 

“Remind me to keep you off the roster in the event we add any culinary shifts to the schedule, ma’am.” Kaidan said cheekily, and she grinned at him.

“Deal, Lieutenant.” At that she smiled between them, standing to her feet with pad in hand. “Enjoy the rest of your mornings.”

“Aye-aye.” Williams said easily, watching as Shepard turned the corner for the elevator. When the elevator doors slid shut behind her, she leant forward, speaking lowly to him.  
“You know, I thought she’d be different.”

“Different, how?” Kaidan asked, raising a brow. Williams shrugged, crossing her arms. 

“You know, just…different. Every marine enlisted in the Alliance Navy knows the name ‘Commander Shepard’. I thought maybe she’d be – be a hard-ass, all strict, no bullshit. Maybe a little socially awkward, what with all the _fubar_ N7 missions I’m sure she’s been assigned over the years. You know how some of those war hero types can get, after seeing all that death – there’s only so much a person can handle.” 

Williams trailed off, gazing at Kaidan intently before continuing.

“But Shepard seems so – so normal, you know? I mean, she’s _funny_. A little standoff-ish, sure; but she’s our CO. I swear that's in their job description. But otherwise, she just seems so…regular.”

“She _is_ still a human, you know.” Kaidan said flatly, smirking. Williams scoffed.

“Thanks, LT. You know what I mean.” She paused, looking thoughtfully into her coffee cup. “You heard her. She doesn’t even have a family. But she’s kind. Has this warmth to her. She’s still a hard-ass, and she certainly doesn’t take any bullshit. But, I don’t know – a part of me gets the impression that she’s kind of…lonely.”

Kaidan was quiet at that, putting his fork down thoughtfully.

“Marine life is lonely at the best of times, Williams. I imagine for N7’s it’s even more difficult.”

“Yeah. Just makes me want to be that much more good to her, you know? Seems like she could use a laugh or two.” She shrugged, pushing her chair back and standing up. Swallowing the rest of her coffee, she grabbed her dishes and smiled at him. “Thanks for the chat, LT. Enjoy the rest of your ridiculous breakfast.”

Kaidan smiled down at his near-empty plate, contemplating her words.

“Thanks, Chief.”

/////

**Year 2183**

“Shepard. You look good. You ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be, sir.”

She was standing in Anderson’s office at 0600, her shoes polished and her hair neatly parted. She wasn’t nervous – that was a sentiment she had long since gotten over – but she was curious, aptly so, about what would be expected of her.

This wasn’t a usual assignment for her. Something else was going on, and she had yet to determine what it was.

“Glad to hear it. I’m sure you have questions for me, before you head aboard.” Anderson eyed her with a knowing smile, a gesture she returned easily. He knew her well – he’d been the one to invite her to join N-squad after Elysium, and had overseen her designation into N7 personally. He more than knew how she operated mentally.

“Too many to know where to start with, sir, and most I’m sure you can’t answer yet. Although I’m sure I won’t have to wait much longer to find out.” She replied cheekily, rewarded when Anderson chuckled. 

“You’re damn right about that, Shepard. What about the crew manifest, and the ship – any comments or concerns?” He prodded, rifling through his desk drawer for something.

“Crew manifest looks solid. You’ve selected the best of the best, sir, as expected.” She paused, pondering. “I did have a slight concern about our Head of Marine Detail, though.”

At this, Anderson looked up, smirking. “Alenko? What about him.”

“He’s slated as part of my ground team, but he’s only specialized in pistols.” She said bluntly. To her immense surprise, Anderson chuckled heartily at that.

“You’re right, he is. Trust me, Shepard. A pistol is all Alenko needs. Hell, he hardly even needs that. Get him onto the battlefield and you’ll see what I mean. He’s a biotic. One of the strongest the Alliance has ever seen.”

“I’ll take your word for it, sir. I just wanted to confirm.”

“If you’re worried about it, schedule a meeting with him when you board. If I know Alenko, he won’t leave you disappointed.” Anderson resumed his search, his gaze dropping. “He’s being groomed for future command positions. I want you to work closely with him; I could use your opinion. You have an eye for these sorts of things.”

“Aye-aye, sir.”

“Anybody else?” Anderson exhaled happily, gripping a pad in his hands and settling back in his seat. 

“None, sir. I’ve gone over the Normandy’s schematics extensively – I’m proud to be aboard.”

“Good.” Anderson thrust the pad at her. She took it in her hands, brows furrowed curiously. “We have one additional crewmember that will be joining us. Although, ‘crewmember’ may not be the right word. I’ll go with ‘guest’.”

“A Spectre?” Shepard exclaimed. “Turian, goes by the name of Nihlus. What are we doing with a Spectre aboard for a simple shakedown cruise?”

“You’ll find out soon enough. I just wanted to give you a heads up. I’d like for you to inform the crew. We were slated to depart at 0900, but that will be delayed. Nihlus got held up on a classified mission, but he’ll be docking at the Citadel shortly. You can tell the crew to expect to depart closer to 1100.”

“I assume you’ll be waiting for him?” She said, eyeing him over the pad. He nodded, folding his hands over the desk.

“Yes. You go on and board without me. I’ll join you as soon as I receive word from Nihlus.”

She was quiet, flipping through his profile curiously. What little of his profile she could see, anyway – Spectres did not offer much to tell, what with the sensitive nature of their jobs. 

“Off the record sir? If I may?” She finally asked, and Anderson smiled as though expecting this.

“Ask away, Shepard.”

“Have you met Nihlus? Do you have an opinion on him?”

“Do I have an opinion on him in what way? As a man? As a turian? As a Spectre?” Anderson gazed thoughtfully at her, as though testing something. She shrugged, bringing the pad down to look at him squarely.

“As a being, I suppose. I don’t care what race he is, or his job title. I just want to know what kind of a person I can expect to be dealing with, if possible. I haven’t exactly run into many Spectres. Is he someone who fights for good? Or someone who will justify the means by a desirable outcome?”

Anderson smiled approvingly at her, making a small noise of agreement.

“I knew you’d be the right pick for this, Shepard. Your impartiality is what makes you so valuable.”

“Thank you, sir. I learned a long time ago that covers are only covers. It’s the inside that counts. And the inside is unique to every individual, not every race.” She said delicately, a brow raised.

“Well, I can tell you that it appears Nihlus is one of the good ones. I haven’t worked extensively with him, of course, but we’ve spoken more than once and I’ve had access to a few more of his service records than I’m permitted to let you see. But I like what I see, Shepard. He’s tough, he’s independent, but he’s fair. There wasn’t a single command decision on his file that I didn’t agree with, as ugly as some of them were.” Anderson said flatly, resolutely, and she nodded.

“Thank you, sir. Your opinion says a lot.”

“As does yours.” He pointed out, smiling. “If there’s nothing else, you have your orders. I’ll meet you aboard as soon as I’m able.”

“Aye-aye, sir.” She saluted dutifully, a gesture he returned.

“Welcome to the Normandy SR-1, Commander Shepard.”

/////

**Year 2253**

Kaidan woke, blinking blearily. His neck felt scratchy – raising a hand, he realized he was still wearing his suit, his tie bunched up at the base. It was the dead of night – a quick glance over the fireplace and he realized it was nearly 0200. 

And in his arms, by extension suffocating his legs, lay his two favorite people in the world.

Ashley was snoring gently, her face burrowed into the crook of his shoulder like she used to do as a child. Jane had brought her legs up onto the couch, the silky fabric of her dress billowed out around her thighs, drooling lightly into his lap as she lay haphazardly across their daughter.

It was quite the body bundle. He didn’t mind one bit. 

Smiling, he readjusted their positions as gently as he could – pushing Ashley’s shoulders back so her neck wasn’t bent at so odd an angle, pulling Jane’s arm out from under her. He reached for a couple of blankets, throwing one over Jane’s shoulders and the other over himself and Ashley. Content that everyone was warm and covered, he stretched his legs out onto the coffee table, positioning himself well enough to fall back into the bleary slumber his body was aching for.

He still had an arm draped over Ashley, his hand resting upon Jane’s head. As he closed his eyes, the silvery glint of the Normandy SR-1 model caught his eye from the corner of their living room. The image made him smile.

It’d been a hell of a ride.


	5. Entry 47: Vid-Com Chats Are For Unprecedented Pirate Raids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2238 - 2248  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“Who’s idea was it to kick pirate ass on a weekend? I knew I was still friends with you guys for a reason.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: mild language]

/////

**Year 2248**

“Uh, oh. Here we go.”

“Here we go, what?” Kaidan asked from under his pillow. It was 0700 sharp and, as expected, Shepard had just received a notification through her omni-tool.

“Vid-com request from Joker. Join me in the kitchen?”

“And what, stand beside you awkwardly while he reams you out?” Kaidan chuckled from beneath the covers, his voice muffled by the cozy cocoon of their bed that he had yet to make an effort to leave. “Nah, I’m fine just here, thanks.”

“Come on. This was our decision, not mine.”

“Sure, but it was your decision to let Joker find out through an Alliance-issued email rather than from us personally. Which is what I suggested.” He turned his head to open one eye blearily up at her. “I recall a certain stubborn wife of mine assuming that _‘he’d be fine with it’_.”

“Hey, stubbornness is _your_ specialty, Alenko. I prefer to go with _‘optimistic aloofness’_.” She retorted with a smile, throwing a pillow at him in jest. He chuckled throatily, burrowing deeper into the covers.

“Say what you will, it’s still Saturday and I’m still not getting out of our bed for this.”

“You suck.”

“Pretty sure that’s _your_ specialty, Shepard.”

She laughed loudly at that, throwing on an old t-shirt in haste. “Keep up that attitude and it may not be.”

He laughed guiltily, the shock of his salt-and-pepper hair against the stark white sheets the only indication that he laid beneath the covers. With a sigh, she admitted defeat, trudging into the kitchen with a sense of foreboding.

It was 0703 when she had a warm cup of coffee and a safe position behind the bar stool that she finally accepted his call. The familiar face of a familiar angry pilot with a familiar Normandy SR-2 cap on his head entered their kitchen.

“Morning, Jeff.”

“Don’t you _‘morning’_ me, Shepard. What the hell is this?” He waved his omni-tool rather frantically, his eyes narrowed irritably.

She sighed, stirring the sugar in her coffee absentmindedly. “I know you’re angry, but –”

“ _Angry _? You bet your ass I’m angry, why the hell wouldn’t you talk to me about this!”__

“Jeff, you know…you _knew_ this time was coming. I thought you’d be pleased, actually. They're going to take good care of her. Hell, Samantha is over-seeing the entire process.” She smiled at him, hands clasped around her mug tightly. “And no one will ever sit in that pilot’s chair but you. It’s an honor. I really thought...well, I thought you’d like that.”

“What? Shepard…I’m not mad about that. Hell, I’m thrilled!” He looked at her briefly as though she were an idiot, then laughed heartily. “The thought of someone else even trying to get their hands on my baby makes me sick to my stomach. So, _hell_ yeah I’m on board with their idea. The Normandy should be retired, she deserves it!”

“Oh.” She frowned then, her brows furrowed. “Then why…are you so upset with me?”

“Are you serious, Shepard? You cannot possibly be that thick. It’s usually Kaidan that’s got the slow cap on in the mornings.”

“Good morning to you too, Joker.” Kaidan mumbled from the doorway, waving a hand in greeting. He had thrown on an old Alliance t-shirt, making himself a cup of coffee with a large yawn.

“Oh, crap.” Joker’s eyes went wide, a guilty look on his face. “Sorry, Kaidan. If it makes you feel any better, you’re still the only guy I would ever even consider taking over the helm if I was incapacitated to the point where I would allow you in my seat. That is, if I _died_ , because that’s really the only time I would ever allow that. But still.”

“Noted and appreciated. I’ll keep that in mind.” He grinned sleepily, settling into the stool beside Shepard. “Now, can you carry on with reaming out my wife? You woke me up, so I figure it’s only fair if I get to hear how it ends.”

“Thanks for the support.” Shepard said dryly.

“Uh, right. Well, as I was saying –”

“Good morning, Jane and Kaidan.” EDI’s feminine figure slid into view, propping a chair beside Jeff in the com view and waving eagerly at them. He glared at her momentarily for cutting him off, his face slackening when she leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“Morning, EDI. I see you’re up bright and early.” Shepard said warmly, happy for the distraction.

“Yes. I find I enjoy the early hours when we are planet-side, Shepard. The sunrises are particularly beautiful. However, Jeff’s current mood has soured what would have otherwise been a very pleasant morning.” EDI said smoothly, with just a hint of sarcasm. Kaidan coughed rather conspicuously, as though to hide an unwarranted chuckle.

“Well, your mood should be soured too, EDI. She doesn’t even –” Joker was cut off again when Shepard finally cut in exasperatedly.

“If you like what’s happening to the Normandy, Joker, then why has it got you so upset? I thought I asked your opinion on this ages ago, you seemed to support it then. Did something change?”

“Because I had to hear it from Alliance brass like some chump, instead of from you directly! You’re not just Admiral Shepard, or my Captain, or my Commander, you’re my _friend_! I should have heard this from you directly, not in some cheap Alliance email!” He burst out angrily, glaring at her through slitted eyes.

Beside her, Kaidan shuffled awkwardly in his chair. EDI appeared to do the same, suddenly occupying herself with something off-camera. Shepard was stunned.

“I…oh.” She paused, thinking deeply for a moment. Then she sighed resignedly. “I’m sorry, Joker. I guess I didn’t…”

“What, didn’t think? That maybe, just maybe, after all this time, I was more than just your pilot? I’m your _friend_ , Shepard, or at least I thought I was.” He crossed his arms in a huff, leaning forward to continue on. “Friends tell each other things like this. I don’t want to wake up one morning and find out that my damn ship is being decommissioned from anyone but the one person who’s had my back and ensured my seat on it since the beginning!”

“I…you’re right. You _are_ my friend, Joker, one of the best. You know I value your opinion on…on everything.” She caught his eyes head-on, overwhelmed by his disappointment. She understood, suddenly, what Kaidan had warned her about. “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’re right, I should have told you myself.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

She sighed, looking away from the camera contemplatively. She knew why. She just hadn’t allowed herself to acknowledge it until she had no way out.

“Because…it’s too hard to say goodbye.” She mumbled quietly, glancing back to meet his gaze. His eyes softened ever so slightly, and it was enough to urge her to continue. “Joker, what we had on that ship…it wasn’t just a ship. The Normandy is our home, and we created a family there. The bonds we made, the memories, every person, every moment – it’s too _difficult_ to say goodbye. That’s why I couldn’t tell you myself. Because talking about it made it real, and I just can’t imagine the day where we can’t wake up and walk through her decks again.”

The room was silent. Kaidan was looking over at her, his eyebrows raised in mid-sip. EDI gazed at her in what could only be a sad expression. Joker looked stunned, opening his mouth as though to say something and then promptly shutting it.

“Hey, Shepard?” He said, after a long moment.

“Yeah, Joker?”

“I hear there’s some, ah, _pirates_ , out in the Eagle Nebula. Apparently they’ve been raiding a few colonies out that way. Sounds like a mission that has 'Spectre' written all over it. I think the Normandy might like to spread her wings, dodge a few batarian cruisers. You know, for old times’ sake.”

She grinned broadly. “You know, I think you’re right. Sounds pretty dangerous, though. Maybe we should call for some backup. I think Spectre Vakarian might be interested to come along for the ride.”

“Yeah, you know, that crazy N7 bastard James Vega might be interested too, come to think of it. Maybe we should send a few invitations out.” Joker said ponderously, placing a hand on his chin in mock consideration.

“Maybe we should.”

He smiled at her, pulling his omni-tool up eagerly. “What say we leave tomorrow, 0700?”

“That sounds perfect.”

“See you bright and early, Commander. I mean, _Admiral_.”

She laughed, taking a sip of coffee with a smirk. “I’ll always be Commander to you, Joker.”

His facial expression softened, a happy look passing over his face. For a moment, she forgot about the grey in his beard and the wrinkles that had formed around his eyes. She saw a flash of the pilot she had met, so many years ago now, as young and raring to go as always. “Thanks, Shepard.”

She nodded, and the com fizzled out, Joker and EDI’s forms dissipating from view. Beside her Kaidan placed a hand over hers, leaning in to kiss her cheek.

“And here I thought tomorrow would be a blood-free Sunday.”

“You know what you married, Alenko.”

He smirked, winking behind his cup of coffee. “Who said I was complaining?”

/////

JVega: _Who’s idea was it to kick pirate ass on a weekend? I knew I was still friends with you guys for a reason._

GVakarian: _And to think, I thought I wouldn’t have the chance to host a kill-count battle against Jimmy Vega aboard the Normandy ever again._

JVega: _You’re on, Vakarian._

JMoreau: _Just make sure you guys give me a chance to piss them off, first. There’s nothing pirates hate more than being baited in the air for a few hours. I can already feel their irritation when we do a few barrel rolls over their artillery units._

SCortez: _And I'll be there to pick all your old asses up when your back's give out._

JVega: _Easy there, Esteban. You're the one with the shaky knees._

JMoreau: _Actually, I think the title of 'shaky knees' remains reserved strictly for me, thank you very much._

SCortez: _I don't need knees to land a shuttle, Mr. Vega. You do, however, need eyes to shoot, and I know yours are giving out._

AAlenko: _Just save a few rounds for me, gentlemen. Let the young blood show you how it’s done._

KAlenko: _Ash? How did you even find out about this?_

JVega: _Ah, sorry L2. Thought I’d make this a family event. You know, for old times’ sake._

JShepard: _Pretty sure the ‘old times’ didn’t include inviting our daughter on a pirate raid, Vega._

GVakarian: _No time like the present. Let’s see how well her shots line up next to her Uncle._

JVega: _Uncles, Vakarian. Plural. And with your old eyes, you know you’ll be ages behind us._

TZorah: _Excuse me, but it’s me you’ll all be thanking when I disable their shields. You can acknowledge all future headcounts on account of my technological expertise._

JShepard: _Tali? All we’re missing now is –_

LT’soni: _Sorry I’m missing out on all the fun. I’m at a conference this weekend out on Ilium._

JVega: _Of course you are, doc. Guess I’ll have to rely on L2 here to throw those soldiers around, huh._

KAlenko: _You say that like it’s a bad thing._

JVega: _No offence, L2. You’re just less pretty to look at._

KAlenko: _I don’t know whether to be offended or agree._

LT’soni: _How very sweet. I’ll keep that in mind when I picture you all tossing freighters around tomorrow as though you aren't all nearing centenarian age._

GVakarian: _Age is just a number, Liara, you of all people should know that. I for one feel as though I haven't aged a day past thirty. Say, can I request we don’t use any incendiaries tomorrow? I want to be able to keep track of all my headshots. It’s difficult to do that when you Alliance-types burn all the damn evidence._

AAlenko: _Too bad you’re outnumbered by us Alliance-types, Uncle Garrus. Shooting things is more fun when they catch fire after._

KAlenko: _That’s my girl._

JShepard: _I’m with team Alenko. Incendiaries are definitely a go._

GVakarian: _You’re all just afraid of losing, is all._

TZorah: _Losing to what, Vakarian? The only thing you’re good at shooting at these days is your brandy._

GVakarian: _Damn. As my wife, aren’t you supposed to be on my side?_

TZorah: _You happened to marry the most competitive quarian in the galaxy, Garrus. You should be used to this by now. You’re going down._

JVega: _Save that brandy for the after party. I vote we play a round of poker to celebrate our victory._

JMoreau: _Placing a requisition order as we speak._

JShepard: _Let’s just make sure we don’t put any holes in our ship tomorrow. Alliance headquarters will have our heads if we damage the Normandy before they get to work on her retro-fits._

GVakarian: _Speaking from experience, a few scars will only add to her sex appeal, Shepard._

TZorah: _I second that opinion._

JShepard: _Says the man who’s already dented our damn hull. I’ll be sure to include that in my damage report to Admiral Hackett._

KAlenko: _Awe, come on, Shepard. What good is our Spectre status for if we don't use it to cover up unprecedented pirate raids?_

JShepard: _Whatever happened to 'boy scout' Alenko I met in 2183?_

KAlenko: _Simple. He met you._

GVakarian: _An applicable explanation for anyone who meets Shepard._

JShepard: _I'm not that bad of an influence, am I?_

JMoreau: _You're joking, right?_

/////

**Year 2245**

"Please, Shepard?"

"Not gonna happen, Liara."

"I'm not asking for very much, you know."

"I will agree that you do not ever ask for very much. But this? No. This is a _lot_."

"It won't be so bad. You're just being stubborn. You might even enjoy it. Kaidan is welcome to come take a look, too. His actor is actually quite dashing."

"I'll make sure I tell him you said that." Shepard smirked, eyeing her wearily. "Liara, this is – look, the last time I got involved on a movie set, I had to stop Javik from shooting a hanar."

Liara laughed over the vid-com, crossing her arms with a knowing smile. They were arguing in her kitchen – although, _'arguing'_ was a tentative description. They were both grinning knowingly at one another, enjoying the pleasant banter.

"That was a _very_ long time ago. And this is a quality production, I assure you."

"I have to admit, Liara, I'm a little surprised by all this. Why are you so invested in this film, anyway? Surely, the Shadow Broker has more pressing matters to attend to than frivolous galaxy culture." Shepard teased back, stirring more sugar into her cup. Liara chuckled at this.

"True. Only, you forget that before the Shadow Broker, I was but a mere archaeologist. Studying cultures and history is still a hobby of mine. And I happen to know that it is media in the forms of books, holo-images, movies – _these_ are what end up shaping history over time. It is my duty as your friend, then, to ensure as accurate a history as I can make it."

"It's another shoddy attempt at glorifying the Reaper War, Liara. What makes this one unique?"

"Because this one has the largest production budget to date, and some, ah – _insider information_ to ensure its accuracy." Liara sighed at this, shaking her head. "Look, we can't fight this forever. Whether you like it or not, there will always be industries trying to profit from your name. The least I can do is ensure that it's done so in a tasteful and accurate manner."

"And I love you dearly for it. But why do I have to be a part of it?"

"Well, because it's..." Liara stumbled around for the right word, frowning disconcertingly. After a moment, she shrugged, looking up a little helplessly. "It's sort of _cool_."

Shepard blinked, stunned, before grinning broadly.

"Never thought I'd hear those words pass your lips, T'soni." She teased.

"Oh, shut up."

/////

**Year 2241**

“Okay. Table is set up with three batarians and a quarian. What’s your move?”

“Play tight, hold off on too many hands.”

“Why?”

“Because the batarians will be eager to win against a human and are likely to draw hand quicker, making more mistakes.”

“Right. And how do you beat the quarian?”

“Skill and pressure. Look them in the eyes, they’ll feel intimidated and are more likely to make mistakes. They aren’t used to people gazing at them through their enviro-suits.”

“Damn, little Lola. You do know how to make me proud.”

“Well, I should hope so. I learned from the best.”

“Make sure to tell your dad that. Did you hear that, Major?”

Shepard smirked at Kaidan over her datapad. It was a typical Wednesday morning; their daughter had joined them for breakfast and was now happily entertaining a vid-com visitor in the form of one James Vega.

Kaidan rolled his eyes from his spot across from her on the couch, leaning his head back to peek at the smug blue display of James currently on the kitchen wall console. 

“That’s Admiral to you, Vega. And yes, I heard. Thanks for the betrayal, Ash.”

“Sorry, dad.” She smiled innocently at him from the kitchen stool, winking in a gesture of peace.

James laughed wickedly at that. “Hey now, you’ll always be Major to me. Or would you prefer I go back to calling you L2?”

“On second thought,” Kaidan grumbled with a smile, “I think I’ll stick with Major.”

“Better watch it, James. I do oversee the N7 teams, you know. Wouldn’t want me to stick you on colony duty, now, would you?” Shepard called over her pad with a wry grin.

“Aw come on ma’am, I’m just having some fun. L2 here knows I’m just joking.”

“That’s Major to you, Vega.”

“I thought it was Admiral?”

Kaidan groaned, running a hand over his face with mock disbelief. As Ashley laughed along with James, standing to make another pot of coffee, Shepard took in the scene with a happy smile.

“Alright. So you’ve got a turian, an asari, and a human mercenary…”

Kaidan smiled up at her over his datapad again, his amber eyes alight with love and mischief.

/////

**Year 2238**

“Is it 2186 again? Because this morning I almost spat out my breakfast when I heard that there is _another_ Major Alenko currently running around in an Alliance uniform.”

They were making breakfast in their kitchen. Kaidan had an enormous pan of eggs frying, while she brewed them a fresh pot of coffee. An incoming vid-com request from none other than Spectre Vakarian had popped up rather unexpectedly, and they were now puttering around their morning routine whilst talking with a very mischievous-looking Garrus.

“You heard right. She just got the promotion last week.” Shepard said with a grin as Kaidan chuckled cheekily behind her.

“You better watch yourself, Garrus. Something tells me that _this_ Major Alenko has a bit more Shepard influence in her than the last one.”

“Uh, oh. Well, now, remind me. If I recall, the _last_ one ended up shooting the human Councilor. So if that’s the case, I can only imagine what kind of hell _this_ one is going to stir up.” Garrus pondered in his dry drawl, mockingly placing a thoughtful talon on his face.

Kaidan laughed loudly at that. “He’s right, Jane. Maybe I should rethink my excitement about all this; our daughter just may end up dragging the good Major Alenko name right through the mud.”

“Hey, hey, hey. I may have put us in a few tight spots over the years, but we all came out alive, didn’t we?”

“Oh, sure, just with half of my face missing.” He flared his mandibles with a chuckle. “And by the way, Tali says hello. She’s back on Rannoch for a few weeks helping with another settlement. She wanted me to make sure that I extend our congratulations to our favorite niece.”

“Another settlement? Already? That’s impressive.” Kaidan said approvingly from the stovetop, stirring madly at the fluffy eggs threatening to spill over the pan.

“Mhmm. With more geth units back up and functioning, they’ve sped up the construction process nearly ten-fold. Built homes on all four continents now. Naturally, they want their geth-expert of an Admiral there to oversee the process.”

“And I’m sure you’re happy to get out of it by taking on some extra Spectre duties, am I right?” Shepard teased, buttering some toast for them both. Garrus laughed guiltily.

“You know me too well, Shepard. What can I say, playing vigilante has always appealed more to me than peacekeeping. I mean, can I really call it a successful day if I haven’t killed at least a _few_ bad guys?”

“I won’t lie, I rather miss it myself sometimes.” Kaidan admitted wistfully. He poured the eggs onto two plates; his piled double as high as hers. She took it gratefully – his cooking was always superb, but his eggs were his specialty. “Nothing was quite so satisfying as watching the look of surprise on their faces when I’d lift their asses right up and onto the ceiling.”

“And made perfect targets for me. Well then, I’ll try and shoot a few in your honor today, Kaidan.”

“Sounds good to me. Just don’t forget to check in on your wife, you know she worries about you.”

“I know she does, but look at the bright side. When I’m not there, she’s forced to call _you_ to talk about all her omni-tool upgrades.”

“Ha! He has a very good point there. Remind me to thank Tali for that, she keeps him occupied for hours with their little chats.” Shepard shoved Kaidan playfully, grinning through a mouthful of eggs as he rolled his eyes in mock offence.

“Hey, make fun of us all you will, but its thanks to our conversations that she was able to get those units up and running as efficiently as she did.” He said with a fork pointed in Garrus’ direction. “It was my idea to reintegrate some of Legion’s old codex’s into their tools. It’s an old BAaT trick we used to use when we wanted to make joint calls to home.”

“Yeah, whatever. I still think you’re both just a couple of nerds.” Shepard mumbled over her coffee.

“Well rest assured, I’m appreciative of your efforts, Kaidan. Anything that lets me enjoy a few extra days out in Terminus space blowing up bad guys makes me one happy turian.” Garrus chuckled, letting out a happy sigh as they continued to eat their breakfast in companionable silence. “Oh, and please let Ash know I would have contacted her directly. But apparently since getting this promotion they’ve gone ahead and changed her tool access. Something about a _'secret mission'_.”

“Of course we will. I’m sure she’ll call you as soon as we get through to her, too. Sparing the details, she should be back in Alliance space in no time.” Shepard said with a reassuring smile. Garrus had always been protective of Ashley, having taken his uncle duties very seriously.

“Good to hear. I’ll be meeting with Tali again in a few days, I was thinking we would take her out to celebrate. Tali misses her.”

“And we miss Tali. Maybe we’ll join you guys. I mean, seeing as Spectre Vakarian graces us with his holo-presence every few days at the kitchen table, it’d be nice to see a different face.” Kaidan joked wryly, sipping his coffee with a smirk.

“Hey, you knew what you were getting into by having a stubborn old turian to be your best friend. But I can’t say I blame you. I’m fortunate to have a wife with a much prettier face than mine is to look at.” Garrus glanced down at his omni-tool, shaking his head briefly. “Ah, shit. I gotta go. Bad guys to kill, galaxy to save. You know how it goes. It’s a date, then; I’ll message you both as soon as I’m back with Tali.”

“Sounds good, Garrus. Thanks for the chat.”

“Be safe out there.”

“Knowing there’s another Major Alenko running groundside out here has boosted my morale through the damn roof. I’ll be more than safe. Take care.”

His image fizzled from sight, leaving them to the sanctity of their kitchen. Across the table, Kaidan leant a hand over to clasp hers gently. It was a good morning.


	6. Entry 46: A Damn Proud Alenko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2233  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“But I’m an Alenko, too. Sometimes, people forget that. And there is just as much honor in that as there is to be a Shepard. So I was always going to make the right choice, dad. You taught me that.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

“Wow.”

Her father’s voice drifted over her shoulder, and she raised her eyes to meet his in the mirror. He looked close to tears – she smiled at the sight.

“Wow, yourself. You’re looking mighty handsome, there, dad.” She said gently. He really did, with his salt-and-pepper hair that was more gray than black these days, donning a black suit pressed to perfection. The door closed behind him, and Kaidan walked forward hesitantly, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Ah, well, you had to get your good looks from _someone_.” He smirked, then paused. “Crap, don’t tell your mother I said that.”

“Your secret is safe with me.” She laughed, rewarded when his eyes crinkled from a wide smile. _Her_ eyes. People had always regarded her looks with the same sense of curious bewilderment: that she sported the striking face of her mother, but the coloring of her father. They shared the same amber eyes, the same dark hair, the same olive skin.

The same last name, too. Something that, despite the day, she would also be following in her mother’s footsteps by not changing.

Her coloring was particularly exacerbated today by the stark whiteness of the gown that clung to her. She rose from her seat, having tucked one last long strand of hair into place, before turning to face her father with a smile.

Today was her wedding day.

“You look…beautiful, Ash. Stunning. I honestly can’t believe something so perfect came from me.” His voice was slightly choked, gazing at her as though she were the most precious thing he had ever seen. “He’s…well, he’s a very lucky man.”

“You would know. You and mom both spent nearly three weeks interrogating him.”

“It wasn’t _three weeks_ , it was just a few hours and we –”

“I’m including the impromptu visit from one Spectre Vakarian who boarded the Kilimanjaro for unspecified _‘Spectre duties’_.”

“Ah, well, he’s your Uncle, he just wanted to make sure that –”

“And then there was the time that I caught Liara having made an entire sub-folder dedicated to examining his entire personal history through her Shadow Broker connections.” She said, crossing her arms with a raised brow. He smirked a bit at that, scratching at the nape of his neck awkwardly.

“Yes, well, Liara is only looking out for your safety. The man does share relations with _James Vega_ , after all, she wasn’t entirely sure he –”

“ _Distant_ relations, very much so. And what about the time Tali hacked into his omni-tool? I’d recognize those quarian codes anywhere; she taught me them when I was a child.”

“What can I say, Ash. You’ve got an entire galaxy of people wanting the best for you.” Kaidan finally huffed, chuckling. “And despite all that, not only did he not think that all of us are crazy – but he passed each and every test with flying colors. Approval across the board, even from Garrus. I never would’ve imagined.”

“Did you really expect anything less from me? I had _you_ to raise me, after all.” She smiled at him then, a spitting image of her mother. Sighing, she turned back to the mirror, catching his gaze in the reflection. “People see me, dad, and they see Commander Shepard’s daughter. And that…is an incredible honor that I have always been proud to wear.”

She reached out behind her, grasping his familiar hand appreciatively. “But I’m an Alenko, too. Sometimes, people forget that. And there is just as much honor in _that_ as there is to be a Shepard.” She turned again, catching his eye, noticing the way he had appeared to stop breathing at her words. “I was always going to make the right choice, dad. You taught me that.”

He pulled her into a tight embrace, inhaling sharply. His familiar scent hit her nose, relaxing her in a nostalgic mix of whiskey, eezo, and _home_. She relaxed in his arms, hugging back just as tightly.

“I love you. So much. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and your mother.” He said hoarsely, voice strained, and she knew without looking that his jaw would be clenched in an effort to keep it together.

He had always been more emotional than her mother, less reserved with his words and body language. It was one of the many things she had always loved about him.

He’d wrapped her in close, one large hand pressing her head into his chest. With a resolute sigh, he pulled away, his beard scratching at her cheek as he released her. “Sorry,” he said gruffly. “I hope I didn’t ruin any of your hard work.”

“Are you kidding? I may be in a dress, but I’m still your daughter. You know I’d sacrifice it all for a hundred more of those hugs.” She smiled reassuringly, smoothing the crisp fabric beneath her fingertips. “Is it almost time?”

“Just about. Your mom sent me to fetch you. Said I should have the honors of the first look, seeing as I also have the honor of giving you away.”

“Hmm.” Her gaze was inquisitive, and she twisted her hands apprehensively. “Is it… _odd_ , if I say that I’m more looking forward to that than I am to the rest of the day?”

He smiled brightly at that, and her heart skipped a bit at his blatant happiness. Her dad had always been so exuberantly happy at spending time with her – he was an easy man to please, seeing as some of her favorite moments were the ones they shared together. It was a sentiment that reassured her, easing her nerves.

“Not at all. I know crowds aren’t really your thing. Another convention you picked up from me, I’m afraid.” He extended an elbow to her, which she took gratefully. “So, you’re sure about the name?”

“Absolutely. I’m a damn proud Alenko, and always will be. If anything, he’s welcome to take _my_ name.”

He chuckled at that, guiding her to the door. Her dress fanned out behind her, comfortable on her lithe frame, but beautiful in its simplicity. It was no-nonsense, both feminine but practical – her mother had unsurprisingly loved it as much as she had.

As he reached for the handle, he paused, gripping it tightly in his palm. She would have teased him, had she not known him well enough to recognize the familiar expression on his face. It was contemplative, grasping – the look he always wore when fighting to piece together just the right words.

“I’m so proud of you, Ash. In everything you’ve accomplished, every decision you’ve made. You know…” Kaidan sighed next to her thoughtfully, body still and gazing curiously at the floor. “I never would have wanted an Alliance life for my children. Or in this case, child. What your mom and I had to go through wasn’t something I’d wish upon my worst enemy. The friends we lost, the violence, all of the senseless deaths…I fought as hard as I did to _protect_ you from all that, and yet there you went storming into it with a stubborn sort of persistence that I have only myself to blame for.”

They both smirked at that, eyes flitting to one another for a brief moment. Shaking his head, he continued, bringing his hand up to clasp over hers heavily.

“I know I never said anything to you, but honestly, I was – _terrified_ , when you told us you had enlisted. I had to remind myself that it was my job to be supportive of you, not berate you for making a decision that comprised your entire childhood. We tried our best to raise you like any other kid, but looking back, I – well, I shouldn’t have been surprised at all.” He chuckled weakly at that, shaking his head. “But I forget that, while marine life is never without its inherent dangers, we saw what we saw so that you didn’t have to. In time, I realized that what I feared was you enduring the same brutal reality I did. I’d forgotten that the entire reason you’re even here today is because we made sure that reality was never going to be a possibility for you.”

His voice was hoarse, and she listened raptly, tightening her hold on his arm.

“I know how hard you fight – you’re a natural leader, just like your mother. And now having seen where you are today…” Kaidan swallowed thickly, looking down at her from the corner of his eye with a grateful smile. “I could not be any prouder of my marine daughter. Congratulations, Staff Lieutenant Ashley Alenko. You’ve made this Admiral _so_ damn proud. Not just as a superior officer, a fellow marine, or even a friend, but…as your dad.”

Her eyes closed at his words, a radiant smile overtaking her cheeks. She could’ve gone home right at that moment and still called it the best day of her life.


	7. Entry 45: A New Citadel Council

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2220  
>  **Location** : Presidium / Citadel / Widow System / Serpent Nebula / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“Say, you don’t think we should be offended that Traynor went with our, ah, younger models, do you? I thought all this grey looked rather dashing, if I do say so myself.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

_Dear Admiral Alenko,_

_For the first time since the Reaper War of 2186, it is our great pleasure to announce that the Human Embassy located on the Presidium is once more open to the public. This has been a culminated effort of every species throughout the galaxy, and we are proud to announce the Citadel once more as the home of the Citadel Council._

_This incredible achievement could not have been possible without the joint effort of citizens across the Milky Way Galaxy, nor would this time of peace have been achieved without the brave sacrifices of so many of our men, women, and children of Earth._

_The effect that the Reaper War had on all of our lives is immeasurable, and it is our goal to ensure that the lessons learnt from its battles are felt for many generations to come. It is for this reason that the Citadel Council has decided to commemorate our galaxy’s tremendous victory by honoring those that fought to ensure our success. We have selected individuals who we feel best represent humanity’s vision of peace and prosperity for the future, and it is our pleasure to request your permission to be one of those few._

_Your dedication as a Council Spectre, a respected Alliance Admiral, and contribution to the development and successful training of human biotics has led us to firmly believe that you would make a great addition. Your expertise has garnered a better understanding and acceptance of biotics for all of humankind, and your service has not gone unnoticed in the efforts of the Reaper War._

_As such, we request your permission to join these select candidates in the form of a memorial bust. Your acceptance is greatly appreciated and anticipated._

_Yours Truly,_

_Council Advisory Specialist S. Traynor_

/////

Shepard was in position at the CIC, debating with Joker about the best route to Attican Beta when she received a top priority message on her terminal. The additional _*ping*_ at the end served to indicate that it was none other than Kaidan, stationed two decks below her at the moment, supposedly working on thermal adjustments with Adams.

Intrigued, she halted her argument. “Hang on Joker, I’ve got a priority.”

_“Does this brief absence of your attention mean that I can go ahead and take the route I suggested? You know, the faster, overall superior route?”_ His voice drawled sarcastically over the com. She rolled her eyes. He would never change.

“Sure Joker, that’s fine. Don’t come crying to me, though, if we get sidetracked by Batarian slavers again. They’ve been heavy in Hades Gamma and you know it.”

_“Yes, well, fortunately for me, dealing with Batarian slavers is your job. Mine is just to get us there as efficiently as possible.”_

“Uh-huh.” She stepped down, unlocking her terminal with a quick thumbprint. She had more than a fair share of messages to get to, but sure enough, sitting at the top of the list was a message from her husband.

_**URGENT** from: Kaidan Alenko  
Did you get any mail from Traynor recently?_

Intrigued, she scrolled down, coming to a halt a few slots down.

_**Memorial Request** from: Samantha Traynor  
Dear Admiral Shepard,_

_For the first time since the Reaper War of 2186, it is our great pleasure to announce that the Human Embassy located on the Presidium is once more open to the public. This has been a culminated effort of every species throughout the galaxy…_

“Huh.” She quickly penned a quick message on her omni-tool, eyebrow raised.

 **JShepard** : _Get up here, Alenko._

**KAlenko** : _I take that as a yes. On my way, ma’am._

Moments later, the elevator slid open and a familiar set of eyes met with her own. He smirked, the grey in his beard giving him a striking appearance. “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.” He said with a chuckle, sticking out his arm as he peered over her terminal.

She gazed at his omni-tool, skimming her eyes over the words. “Hmm. Lots of focus on your biotics. Not that that’s surprising.”

“Well to be honest, I’m surprised they asked me at all. Maybe they’re just taking pity because I’m married to you. Don’t want me to feel left out.” He said with a sly wink.

She rolled her eyes. “Oh sure, I bet it has nothing to do with being the second human Spectre, being involved with both Citadel wars, commanding the Normandy home on nothing but FTL after the Reaper War…no, no, I’m sure it’s just pity. You deserve this; hell, much more than I do.”

“You’re joking, right?” He deadpanned.

“I played mock-politician. _You_ have genuine talent. You have no idea how much of a symbol of hope you are.” She smiled up at him from his tool, her expression plaintive. “Your spec ops team made human biotics seem _cool_. It’s because of you that the negative stigma around biotics has all but disappeared. I’m not surprised at all. You deserve this recognition and more, Kaidan.”

He lifted his eyes from her terminal, locking onto her own with a soft expression. “Thank you, Jane. I mean, Shepard. That means a lot to me.”

“You’re welcome, Admiral. I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting anything like this. I can’t say I’m entirely thrilled at the prospect.” She paused, thinking. “This explains why Traynor was damn well bouncing off the walls when she came to visit a few weeks ago. She was probably dying to tell us.”

“Hmm. Well, the choice is ours. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” Kaidan said with a reassuring smile. “Although, I think Traynor would be devastated if we declined. I can only imagine her now. She’s probably glued to her terminal just waiting for a response.”

“Yeah. Not to mention our daughter.” She muttered, shooting him a grin.

Kaidan laughed loudly at that. “That…well, that is a whole other topic. Ash would absolutely kill us if we didn’t accept this. Hey, and just think – remember all the times Wrex would brag about having a krogan statue on the Citadel? We’ll have some pretty damn good bragging rights of our own if we do this.”

“You know, you’re right. It might be worth it just to see the look on his face.” She smirked, glancing at him with a long exhale. “Seriously, though. Do you think this is a good idea? I’m not sure how comfortable I am at the idea of people idolizing a…a _statue_ of us. All the news vids we’ve had to endure over the years were bad enough. This seems awfully permanent.”

Kaidan placed a hand on her arm, forcing her attention back up onto his kind face. He had that smile, the one he reserved just for her.

“It’s not about hero-worship, Jane. It’s a reminder, to not forget what we fought for. It’s about…hope. And if hope is what we can provide to people, then we’ve done our jobs right.”

She was quiet for a moment, mulling his words over in her mind. “Maybe…if this helps to make sure that people don’t forget. I don’t want anyone to ever forget.”

“Like I said – hope.” He said softly, waiting for her response even though he already knew the answer. He always gave her time to come to her own conclusions. It was one of the many things she loved about him.

She nodded, sending a sharp smile his way. “Alright, Kaidan. Let’s…well, let’s do this. Hey, Joker?” She slammed the com button, not waiting for a response. “Forget about Attican Beta. We’re headed to the Citadel.”

_“I’ve heard that before. Hopefully it’s not full of Reapers this time.”_

“Very funny, Joker.”

_“Aye-aye, ma’am.”_

/////

“Wow. They really paid a lot of attention to your, ah… _attributes_.”

Kaidan’s husky voice broke their stilled silence, and she rolled her eyes with contempt, shoving into his shoulder playfully.

“Hey, I’m just being honest!” He laughed, crossing his arms indignantly.

“Yeah, well, what about you, Alenko? They got your coiffure just right, but I gotta say that I think your ass is much nicer in real life.”

“Well, I suppose they could only invest so much time into carving out a perfect behind. Those efforts clearly went into _your_ design.”

It was early morning on the citadel, the holo-sky tinged pink with a simulated sunrise. It was a Sunday, so the usual hustle of bodies was relatively absent. Two months ago, her and Kaidan had bombarded an overly enthusiastic Traynor in her new office on the Citadel – and this was the morning of their big reveal. She had to admit that they certainly looked impressive, although it was a little odd to be staring at giant marble representations of themselves. They looked familiar, but not. There was something _too_ perfect about them.

The new Human Embassy overlooked the Presidium just as it had before the catalyst had blown the entire station all to hell, but the atrium was much larger than previous. In its center, an overflowing fountain gave rise to four meticulously crafted statues, towering up towards the ceilings. They were easily over three stories high, each in Alliance formal wear, with an arguably regal facial expression gracing each marble face.

A well-placed placard at the fountain railing indicated the familiar figures that needed no label to be recognized.

__**Admiral David Anderson**  
2137-2186  
Successful Graduate of the First N7 Class (2157)  
Veteran of the First Contact War (2157)  
Captain and Designer-in-Chief of the Normandy SR-1 (2183)  
First Human Councilor (2183)  
Leader of the Earth’s Resistance During the Reaper War Invasion on Earth (2186) 

__**Admiral Steven Hackett**  
2134-  
Veteran of the First Contact War (2157)  
Head of Alliance Military (2183)  
Head of Crucible Construction Project (2186)  
Coordinated the Intergalactic Attack to Repel the Reaper Forces on Earth (2186)  
Co-Founder of the Human Biotics Academy (2195) 

__**Admiral Jane Shepard**  
2154-  
Veteran of Skyllian Blitz (2176)  
N7 Graduate under tutelage of Admiral David Anderson (2180)  
First Human Spectre (2183)  
Commanded the SR1 and SR2 Normandy During the Battle of the Citadel (2183) and Battle for Earth (2186)  
Activated the Crucible Responsible for Ending the Reaper War (2186)  
Negotiated Peace Treaties between Asari, Batarian, Krogan, Quarian, Salarian, Turian, Volus, and Human Embassies (2190) 

__**Admiral Kaidan Alenko**  
2151-  
Served Aboard the SR1 and SR2 Normandy During the Battle of the Citadel (2183) and Battle for Earth (2186)  
Commanded the First Special Operations Biotic Division for Human Biotics (2185)  
Second Human Spectre (2186)  
Co-Founder of the Human Biotics Academy (2195)  
Head of the Alliance Military Human Biotics Division (2202) 

“You know, it’s funny. If you’d told me when I was a kid that my name would be here next to the likes of people like Anderson and Hackett, well…I’d have called you crazy.” Kaidan said with a soft sigh, a wistful smile on his face. “But looking at these placards…you know Shepard, maybe we really do deserve to be here. Maybe all of the fighting we did really did make a difference.”

“I’d like to think so, too. That would be the greatest reward, the only thing that could make people like Anderson’s deaths worth it.” She peered up at the familiar face, a faint pain in her chest reminding her that his loss would always hurt. “Let’s just hope now that people don’t forget that.”

“Hmm.” He agreed, leaning forward on the rail and looking up. They stayed like that in comfortable silence for a few minutes, enjoying the rhythmic sounds of the fountain waters, watching the colors of the sunrise cast new shadows across the marble faces.

Kaidan looked at her then, an eyebrow raised cheekily. “Say, you don’t think we should be offended that Traynor went with our, ah, _younger_ models, do you? I thought all this grey looked rather dashing, if I do say so myself.”

She laughed, stepping back to gaze up again. Her own face stared back at her, as did Kaidan’s, the smooth marble indicating familiar faces from decades ago. “Kaidan, you know I think it is, but I suppose she was going with familiarity on this one. I think you and I in our thirties made for much better propaganda commercials. I can’t imagine my grey and wrinkled self would have the same effect on people.”

“Maybe it wouldn’t on the rest of humanity, but, if it’s any consolation – it certainly has the same effect on me.” He spoke huskily, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

“Hmm.” She smiled, resting her head on his shoulder as the halls began to slowly trickle in with curious people. A crowd quickly gathered, speaking in hushed voices, looking up in awe over the towering figures. 

They stayed there for hours, meeting with child and adult alike, shaking hands with asari to turian to salarian, smiling for endless photos. They watched the smiles on people’s faces, saw the wonder light up their eyes. They humbly accepted stirrings of gratitude, complied with requests to talk about their service history, answered questions about the Reaper War. Shepard laughed as Kaidan showed curious children some water-play with his biotics, and she watched the eyes of a group of young boys grow wide when she told them stories about her N7 training with Anderson.

They held hands, their touch a familiar comfort to one another, waving to the crowd that had gathered and seeing firsthand the kind of hope they could instill in people. It quite suddenly felt worth every battle.


	8. Entry 44: Combat Night At Armax Arsenal Arena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2216  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“So for once, she wanted to make them proud, not just because they were her parents. She wanted to make them proud in the eyes of Commander Shepard and Major Alenko, heroes of the Reaper War.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none – although, this was one an absolute _***blast***_ to put together]

“It’s _your_ birthday, Ash. Why did you get _us_ a present?”

They were sitting around the kitchen table, Kaidan cooking her favorite breakfast – asari chocolate chip waffles with strawberries – whilst her mother brewed them a pot of coffee.

That was about the full extent of her cooking abilities, after all.

Her mother was also currently confused as to how – in a room full of balloons and streamers that her father had quite obviously and very painstakingly spent hours filling every inch of the walls with – a card with both hers and Kaidan’s names written plaintively on the front was perched on the kitchen table.

“You know when you asked me what I wanted for my eighteenth birthday? And I told you guys I wanted nothing, just to spend the day with you?” Ashley responded airily, taking a warm cup from Jane gratefully.

“Right.” Kaidan called curiously from the stove.

“Alright, well, I lied. Sort of. I _do_ want to spend the day with you both, but – I did actually have something in mind. Only, I wanted it to be a surprise. Open it up.” She gestured to the envelope, and Jane smirked at her, grasping it uncertainly.

“What have you got planned, Alenko.” Her mother said jokingly, ripping the paper carefully along its edges while Ashley shrugged innocently. She pulled the slip of paper out, brows furrowed as she read along.

“Well? What does it say?” Kaidan had squinted his eyes, trying and failing to make sense of the slip in her mother’s hands from his place by the stove. Jane sighed, laughing lightly.

“It says – I can’t believe you’re going to make us do this – it’s a reservation at the Armax Arena. It says, _‘Your next battle awaits! Team GALAXY SAVERS has a reservation next Saturday, at 11 EST, for three hours of fun in the battleground of your choosing!’_ ” Jane peered at her over the edge of the paper, smirking. “ _’Galaxy savers’_? Really?”

“Hey, I honestly didn’t even come up with that. I wanted to go with _‘Gun-Slinging Biotic Badasses’_ , but apparently _‘ass’_ isn’t allowed.” Her father chuckled at that, to which Ashley grinned at him gratefully. “Besides, I did have to actually reserve your names and, uh, when they saw both of my squadmates – well.” Ashley shrugged innocently again, laughing to herself.

“You’re telling me that for your eighteenth birthday, you want to spend it with us, shooting at holographic bad guys in Armax?” Kaidan was piling waffles dangerously onto a plate, eyeing her with a warm smile.

“Damn right I do. I’m finally old enough, and I want my first time to be with you two.” Ashley responded easily, looking between the two of them. They were eyeing one another, odd smiles on both of their faces. “What, do you not want to go?”

“No, of course we’ll go. We _want_ to go, it’ll be – well, I actually think this will be a lot of fun. It’s been a long time since we did any target practice at Armax.” Jane said quickly, dismissing her worry with a wave of her hand. “It’s not that. It’s just…”

“What is it?” Ashley pressed, intrigued by their hesitance. Kaidan urged her mother on, smiling at her encouragingly while he deposited a massive plateful of waffles between them all.

“It’s nothing, Ash. We just – we’re surprised, is all. What made you want to do _this_ , of all things?” Jane asked, eyeing her curiously.

“How could I not?” She began to pull a few waffles onto her plate, reaching for the syrup gratefully. “Look. You guys did an amazing job raising a kid of two very famous parents. Argue that _all_ you want, but it’s true.” She said, smiling, pointing her fork at her father who had opened his mouth as though to object. 

“The older I get, the more I see that. And I’m grateful, because I got to spend my childhood thinking my parents were just…ordinary people. But the fact is, you aren’t. You’re normal to _me_. But to everyone else – I grew up reading your names in every history book, with every friend dying to meet you, with strangers begging to shake my hand. Hell, they still use both of you for the Alliance recruitment brochures. A lot younger, mind you, but –”

“Thanks.” Jane interjected wryly, while Kaidan chuckled into a waffle.

“— But the point is, is that I’ve never had a chance to see you two doing what’s made you so famous in the first place. You’re both Spectres, both Admirals, both seen more battles that I know you’d probably ever care to remember. And I’m not trying to glorify it. I’m not trying to say it was all fun and games, because I’m sure it wasn’t. You guys have seen – seen some ugly things, I know. And it’s because of what you accomplished that you don’t _have_ to fight anymore. And that’s great, but sometimes…”

“Sometimes, you want to see if we’re as good as everyone always told you we were.” Kaidan finished for her as she trailed off thoughtfully, trying to find the right words.

“Well, yeah.” She agreed lamely, shrugging her shoulders again. “Forgive me for being curious. But I want to see what the great Commander Shepard and Major Alenko are capable of. I know I won’t exactly be that good of a shot compared to you two –”

“Something tells me you’ll be better than we expect. I suspect we’ll have Garrus and James to thank for that.” Jane mumbled into her coffee, and Ashley laughed.

“— But for once, I want to see you the way every else always has. I want to see the marines, not my parents. And…” she chewed thoughtfully, mulling her words, “I really want to kick some ass with my two best friends.”

“You mean _‘butt’_. Armax doesn’t allow such slander.” Kaidan mumbled over a bite of waffle, and she chuckled.

“So you want to go, then?” She asked, hopefully.

“Oh, we’ll go.” Her father responded, smirking. “I just hope you’re ready. Commander Shepard dishes out her orders pretty damn quick. You better be light on your feet, Alenko.”

“Aye-aye, _Major_.”

/////

“You look excited there, Shepard. You’ve missed this, haven’t you?”

They’d taken a skycar into Vancouver’s outskirts, where the Armax Arena had been built not a few years after the Reaper War. When the catalyst had blown, with the Citadel floating emptily in Earth’s orbit, leaving innumerable galaxy races stranded in the Sol System – it hadn’t taken long for an arena to be built to help pass the time while each of the relays was painstakingly put back together. It had always amused her father, who’d often remarked that no matter the catastrophe, no matter the devastation, people would always look to entertainment to escape from reality.

“You’re damn right I am, Alenko.” Jane rifled through the wall of rapid-fire assault rifles, pulling out the HMWA X and twisting it in her palm. “Admiralty duty sure is boring compared to holding one of these babies.”

“Can’t argue with you there.” Kaidan was clipping his Logic Arrest into place and running the diagnostics. “Hand me an –”

“Arc?” Jane tossed him the heavy pistol without a second beat, and he caught it gratefully, shooting her a knowing smirk.

“Ah, you know me so well.”

“I should damn well hope so, I watched you shoot with the damn thing enough times.” She was clipping her rifle into place, adding a standard Alliance sidearm for herself when she called back out over her shoulder. “Hey, Ash, if you need help deciding which gun to equip, we can –”

“No need. I know what I want.” Ashley said breezily, sending them both a smirk of her own as she reached up to grab the M-23 Katana. They both blinked.

“A _shotgun_? Are you sure? Those aren’t easy to –” Kaidan started, brows furrowed.

“I know. You can thank Aunt Tali for this one.” She smiled, clipping the a Phalynx in as her sidearm as well. “Oh, and dad? Forgive me. But I’m going with a Nexus for this one.”

“I’m – gonna have to have a chat with Tali.” He chuckled easily, shaking his head as she clipped in her tool, setting the controls in as though she’d done this dozens of times.

“Don’t feel bad, dad. The Logic series works better for your biotics.” She smiled at him brightly, looking up over the glow of her tool. “My biotic-less ass – 

“Butt.” He interjected with a smirk.

“– _butt_ , needs…well, you’ll see.”

“Uh huh.” He said, glancing at Jane bemusedly.

“Something tells me you’ve been planning this little venture for far longer than you’ve let on.” Her mother said, leaning back and crossing her arms in a familiar stance. 

Ashley smiled, an innocent grin on her face.

/////

The truth was, she’d spent the past two years working on tactical training without their knowledge. Uncle Garrus had made her wait that long, citing that he _‘wanted his life to remain intact’_ , and that _‘any sooner, and your parents will have my head’_.

So she’d waited patiently, and alongside her school studies she’d spent more than one weekend training her body with either Garrus or James, both procuring unique military-inspired fitness regimens to get her into quick, mobile shape.

_“You’re tiny, little Loco. That’s a good thing. Makes you quick and agile on the battlefield, something I myself could clearly never accomplish.”_ James had said more than once, teaching her everything from hand-to-hand combat to kinetic-intricate movements like barrel rolls, long jumps, and correctly-postured crouch positions. James was a heavy-hitter, her mother always said, someone good at short range battle. She soaked up every bit of advice he could offer, enjoying their sparring matches and the lithe way she was able to slip past his slower movements.

Garrus and Tali had worked with her on a more tactical basis, teaching her to perceive the battlefield from afar, taking note of all the tools at her disposal. _“It’s not just about what sort of ammo you have lugging around with you,”_ Tali always said. _“It’s about knowing how to use it. Your most useful tool isn’t your weapon, Ashley, it’s your brain. Take in the scene, take note of where your cover spots are, recognize what kind of enemy you’re facing and conceptualize their weaknesses. That’s what you need to target.”_

When visiting on Palaven, Garrus had eagerly set her up with various bullet-free tactile combat simulations. _“We need to figure out your fighting style. Nobody is good at everything, and you need to find your zone. You need to determine where you’re most comfortable on the battlefield. That’s how you’ll decide which weapon skills you need to develop.”_

She’d found out quickly that she preferred to be on the frontlines, getting up-close and personal with combat mechs and disabling their powering scanners – she was comfortable with tech, having learnt well from her father over the years. James’ training paid off well; she was able to sneak around effortlessly, light on her feet, quick and nimble in ever-changing combat simulations. She got strong – enough to haul herself up effortlessly over tall walls, leaping from crate to crate, crawling her way through tight spaces to line up clear-angled shots with imaginary pistols.

Only when she was able to make it through an entire simulation without a single concussive round hitting her mass effect shields did Garrus concede in starting her weapons training.

Like any beginner, he started her gun-training off with sidearm class weapons. He’d had her practice for five months straight – until she could reliably hit a moving target from ten meters back. James would have her pulling the different components out, going over how every piece of the pistol worked in tandem with the next, only to piece it back together, clean and ready to fire.

Her first day on target practice with Aunt Tali, however, had piqued her interest in shotguns from the get-go.

_“They’re a more complicated weapon, Ash. Not easy to handle, and the targeting is short so you have to be in close-range to get contact.”_ She’d explained, laughing, while Ashley had stared open-mouthed at the smoking mess of mech-metal it had left behind. _“But once you master it, it can cause more raw damage in one clean shot than a five-second burst from that assault rifle your mother favors so much.”_

She’d demanded to learn, eager to utilize her small stature with so powerful a weapon. Tali had agreed, with some coaxing, and they spent the next six months working through its powerful kickbacks.

It was heavy, and awkward, to carry at first, and it took Ashley some time to accommodate the longer barrel and extra weight into her body mechanics the way a pistol had. But she was stubborn – like her dad, she’d thought wryly more than once – and was determined to incorporate it into her arsenal, certain it would suit her tactical style.

She hadn’t been wrong. She was clumsy at first, the kickback from the gun off-setting her weight and causing her to delay her acrobatics – she’d miss a jump here, fail to shield herself properly there. But she kept at it, with Garrus and Tali and even occasionally James joining in on the fun, cheering her on and offering pointers when she’d miss a shot or forget to tuck her body in low enough to avoid a concussive round to the back of the head.

Eventually, it began to feel like home for her, an extension of her body’s movements as opposed to the clumsy thing it had felt like at first. She felt powerful but agile, her shots precise and quick, her face grinning every time she sunk a perfect hit to her unassuming target.

She knew she still had a long way to go, to be sure. And it wasn’t even as though she were trying to actively hide it from her parents. Of all people, they would understand completely, she was sure of it. She was also being safe, and under the surveillance of people they knew and trusted. It was just –

She’d lay up in her bed at night, pondering why she felt the need to keep it all secret. Perhaps it was because they were so good to her, so supportive of everything that she did. They’d always be proud of her, no matter what she did. But she felt compelled to follow in their path; it called to her, made her blood pound with excitement and her body feel utilized when she was running, sweating, her muscles fatigued but in perfect sync with one another. She felt alive when she was out there, on the field, responding successfully in the heat of the moment.

All she’d ever heard her entire life was about how skilled of marines her parents both were. They were Spectres, Admirals, leaders, politicians, teachers – but to her, they were always just her parents. They’d carved out that distinction for her and she appreciated it.

So for once, she wanted to make them proud, not just because she was their daughter. She wanted to make them proud in the eyes of Commander Shepard and Major Alenko, heroes of the Reaper War.

She wanted them to be proud of her as a marine, as a fighter.

She wanted to find a way to carve a name of her own out of Ashley Alenko.

/////

They’d set up in the Wingman arena – her choice – and were eagerly awaiting the countdown to begin.

“Remember, Ash, we’re using concussive rounds. So they can’t actually penetrate your shields; at most it would just be enough to give you a sharp sting.” Her father said from her side, his eyes busy with calibrating his pistol.

“I know.” She replied, smiling.

“And I’ll try my best not to use any military-speak, but I apologize in advance if it slips out. Habits, you know.” Her mother smirked at her other side, rotating her shoulders in warm-up.

“I’ve heard military talk my whole life. I’ll be fine.”

“This is gonna be fun. Been awhile since I’ve been able to toss people around like this. I could use the practice.” Kaidan chuckled eagerly, watching as the timer began to clock down in front of them. He flared effortlessly, putting a barrier up as though it were second nature.

She’d seen it hundreds of times before, but there was something about her father’s biotics that always got her excited. Ashley’s heart was pounding, eager – she knew her mother was good, but it was her father that she’d never had a chance to really see in action. The vids had been apt to spending more time on Commander Shepard. Watching him now, the ripples of blue dancing over his skin, sent a flicker of anticipation through her.

_“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s combat night in Armax Arsenal Arena!”_

The arena VI’s boomed over the intercom, and the three of them immediately got into battle stances. Ashley gripped her pistol eagerly, trying and failing to wipe the grin off her face. A quick glance told her that neither, too, could her parents.

_“Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Round one.”_

A horn blew – immediately, two pockets of soldiers flanked out from either side. Her brain sprung to life, taking note of a million different things all at once: tech-based armors, high shields but susceptible to overload, no 6-position alarms, this made them eligible for rear attacks, engineers attempting to unload shield generators in the back –

_“Enemies on either flank – Ash, stick close with me. Kaidan –”_

“On it.” He’d ducked behind a crate, inputting a signal through his tool and –

The entire right unit writhed in their helmets, hit with a neural shock that would incapacitate them easily until they could clear out the group ahead of them. Her mother had already snuck low to a crate farther ahead, waving her over eagerly. She complied quickly, tucking herself into position easily.

“Set your pistol with disrupter ammo, your father’s tool needs time to cool-off before he can overload their shields. We can crack them down one-by-one.” She ordered crisply, and Ashley nodded, grinning…and promptly disobeyed, instead programming her own tool to cause –

There was a loud _crack_ ; a few of the soldiers stepped back as the energy of their shields gave out from the overload her own tool had given off. Jane stared at her in surprise, going still, while Kaidan immediately broke out in uproarious laughter.

“ _Focus_ , Commander. We can congratulate her tech skills later!” He called, before raising his body upward in a fluid motion. Immediately, a large group of them cried out, their bodies sucked up to lift casually from the ground in a field of rippling blue. With one arm to hold them steady, he aimed his pistol true – two headshots, and he walked forward slowly, swiveling his aim expertly from soldier to soldier as though merely bored.

Jane nodded, still baffled, before breaking cover to tear through the shields their engineers in the back had programmed in the aftermath. Here, Ashley followed – her mother’s form was perfect, every shot clean and precise. Ashley struggled to keep up – her own movements seemed choppy and amateur in comparison, but she noticed the impressed looks she got from her nonetheless when she managed to land most of her targets.

“You mind telling me –” Her mother’s voice was cut off when a can rattled by their feet.

“Ah, _shit_ , smokescreen. I hate this stuff!” Her father called out, moving beyond them on their left while the two of them sprinted to the right to evade the gas.

There was a sharp series of cries – above the smoke, Ashley could see another group of bodies thrust awkwardly into the air, while the huddled poses of men further along the opposite alley could be seen dropping to floor in tune with the sound of her father’s pistol.

“Incendiaries, Ash. Let’s light ‘em up.” Jane called lowly, and she nodded, resetting her pistol gamely. The effect was instantaneous and satisfying – they would crouch low behind their crates, tagging targets ones by one and crowding them backward down one of the corridors, their cries of confusion only adding fuel to their panicked movements. She stuttered a few times, missing her shots, taking the occasional round to her belly or her arm, but she kept onward, taking deep breaths and trying to focus her energy back into her body.

She _knew_ how to do this. It was harder with a crowd – particularly when that crowd was as fluid as her parents were.

She wanted to find a way to show her aptitude. Storm-surging wasn’t her preferred method of attack. She didn’t have the combat skills good enough for that just yet. So she forced herself to re-evaluate, eyeing the floor raptly while she reloaded her pistol, looking for an opening.

_There._

A freighter loomed overhead, dropping a team of mercs down on the center platform, with Kaidan on one end driving the soldiers back and her mother on the left, both leaving a trail of neatly fallen bodies in their wake as though it were second nature.

But the smokescreen was still active, dissipating but just thick enough to hover over the center stairwell. In a flash, she rolled down the steps, crouching low and running swiftly along the rail to keep out of sight. She thought she heard her mother cry out her name, but she was quickly distracted with another front of mercs who had come charging her way. From the other platform, Kaidan crossed his arm roughly, the flare of his biotics spitting through the air and –

The men cried out; slammed over the rail to fall off into the abyss below. This left her mother an open lane to rush forward, taking out a still-floundering soldier with a sharp rifle-butt to the head.

But a team of engineers and vanguards had taken position below them, using the creeping smoke as a visual barrier to set up an array of shield casings. In position, they began to open fire, her parents suddenly exposed from so high up.

Ashley breathed deep, focusing on her body, holstering her pistol and effortlessly loading her shotgun. She watched as her parents ducked behind crates, Kaidan furiously punching codes into his tool to no doubt attempt an overload. But there was no overload output charge that would be enough to take out a team this large. Unless –

Ashley slung one leg out from behind cover, low to the ground, stabilizing herself just enough to aim a shot.

_Crack._

Her shotgun blew roughly in her ear, and she wasted no time in reloading and firing another shot.

_Crack._

Both of their generators fizzled and burnt out, and she slyly tucked her body back upright before they could see her position. From beyond, Kaidan must have punched out his tool, as the vanguards that had suddenly rushed forward fell to the ground in agony from another painful neural shock.

Ashley smiled, reloading and teetering from her position once more. Her mother had barreled forward, wasting no time in placing rapid-fire rounds into any soldier that made movement. A few still looked frantically behind them, squinting, trying to see her through the smoke but it was hazy. She set her Nexus to scan for heat, swiftly knocking a few powerful shots out until they lay before her feet, silent.

Farther out, Kaidan stood from his cover, firing three quick rounds into each of the still-moaning vanguards, before holstering his pistol with a dazed smile. Jane, much closer to her, was looking at her as though she didn’t recognize her.

Ashley stood, sweating and shaking but smiling, her heart pounding in her eyes, her shotgun in perfect position by her hip.

_“The match goes to Alenko. Second round begins in two minutes.”_

The arena VI’s voice cut through the silence, and Kaidan wasted no time in calling back out to the ceiling.

“Computer, can you pause? Requesting a five-minute round break.”

“Make it ten.” Jane said promptly, her expression unchanged.

“Uh, right. Ten minutes?”

_“Acknowledged. Second round begins in ten minutes.”_

They both stared at her, Kaidan stepping down the stairs bemusedly to stand next to her mother.

“Where did you learn to shoot like that?” Jane said lowly, crossing her arms with a frown. The grin on her face waivered slightly, and Ashley slowly lowered her gun, holstering it behind her back quietly.

“I guess you wouldn’t believe me if I said I did some reading?” She said airily, trying to make sense of her mother’s mood. Her expression was vacant, curious but reserved. Ashley had never seen her like that before and didn’t quite know what to make of it.

“Definitely not. I expected you to know how to use a gun, sure, but what you just did – that was a lot more than just basic gun handling. How long have you been training? And with whom?” She pressed, still frowning. Kaidan was silent, still looking at her incredulously. Ashley couldn’t help but notice that he was trying very hard to keep a straight face, his gaze focused somewhere a few inches over her shoulder instead of at her directly.

“Ah…Garrus, and James. Tali, too.”

“Mhmm. On Palaven? All those trips you took out?”

“Yeah.”

“For how long?”

“Um. Two years, or so. Give or take.”

“ _Two years?_ ” Kaidan finally cut in, eyes wide. Ashley backtracked quickly, opening her mouth frantically to explain.

“Not – not _shooting_ , for two years. I’ve been shooting for one year. Barely. I mostly did tactical training. You know, combat simulations, body positioning, that sort of thing. James taught me a lot about close combat and conditioning, and Garrus spent a lot of time trying to teach me how to, you know, see a battlefield, look for – look for holes, or, gaps, you know, that I could take advantage of.”

They were quiet, still looking at her blankly.

“Garrus – of course he did.” Jane muttered, shifting on her feet. “What else?”

“That’s it. I swear! And we only ever used concussive rounds. I’ve never actually used anything but. It was all very safe, I promise!”

“You spent two years in combat training with a turian Spectre and an N7 elite operative. There’s no way this was all safe.”

“What about that overload? I never taught you that.” Kaidan cut in, his voice more curious than accusatory. She decided to focus on that.

“Tali. I – I like omni-tools, I like tech. I always have, because of you. I understood the basics well enough, she helped me focus them, learn how to create power surges based on common hardsuit signatures.”

“And the shotgun? Those aren’t exactly easy to use. You hit two near-perfect shots and I hardly saw you stumble from the kick-back.” Jane pointed out, cutting Kaidan off before he could say anything more. He bit his lip, smiling weakly at her, his eyes softening slightly.

“Ah – yeah, well. Tali was using a shotgun when we ran ammo simulations, and – and I liked how it worked. Thought it would suit my style well. And, I think it does.”

“Your _style?_ ” Her father asked, brow furrowed.

“Of – of fighting. James says I’m quick, and quiet. I like fighting close-range because I can sneak up well enough. The pistol is great, but when you fight up-close you need to be able to finish and it’s hard to do that with a sidearm. So when I saw how much damage a shotgun could do – I thought it would make a great fit.”

They were silent, stunned, her mother still frowning and Kaidan still trying to hide a smirk. A long moment passed, and Ashley shifted on her feet, suddenly feeling guilty.

“Ashley, why…why didn’t you ask _us_ for help? We could have – _we_ could have taught you all this. Why did you feel like you needed to go behind our backs?” Her mother finally asked, her voice light but with a trace of hurt present. Ashley felt her heart sink a bit at that.

“It wasn’t – I wasn’t trying to go behind your backs. I just…wanted you to be proud of me, that’s all.” She said finally, her voice sounding uncomfortable even to her.

“Ash, honey, we’re always proud of you. What made you think that we weren’t?” Kaidan asked, his voice soft.

“I know you are. That’s not what I meant. I just –” She paused, swallowing and trying to find the right words. “I want to join the Alliance. I’ve never said that outright to either of you, but it’s what I want. I – I like the challenge of it, I like feeling strong and capable. I like knowing how to defend myself. And I want to do well. But when you have parents that are…well, _you two_ , it felt a bit overwhelming for me. I just wanted to learn more about it, see if I thought it would make a good fit for me before I said anything.”

“You want to join the Alliance?” Kaidan asked, eyebrows raised. She nodded.

“Yes.” She wrung her hands nervously, glancing between them and swallowing hard. “I sent my application in this morning, actually. To Admiral Hackett directly.”

“That still doesn’t explain why you never told us about this.” Jane pointed out, looking at her with a hurt expression. She sighed, biting her lip.

“I wanted you to be proud of me, just…not as your daughter. I wanted you to be proud of me as a _marine_. Or, someone who’s trying to be one. I thought if I gave myself a bit of a head start, maybe I wouldn’t look so, so…so _amateur_ , next to you both. I wanted to show you that I’m serious about this.”

Her words fell on them silently, and Jane’s expression changed from one of hurt to that of a sad smile instead.

Kaidan cleared his throat, stepping forward slowly. “That, uh…that overload you did was great, Ash. But I can show you how to increase the range. You can easily knock a circle out as wide as ten feet, you just need to adjust the circuit radius.”

She blinked, confused for a moment. Smiling shyly, she stuck her arm out. “That…would be great. I could never get it to go wider than five.”

“It’s because you’re using a Nexus. They’re more tech-savvy, sure, but they’re designed for multiple programs. It’s more difficult to set, but I know how to use it. Let me show you.” He stood shoulder to shoulder with her, walking her through the procedure slowly.

Jane was staring at them with a ponderous expression. When they’d finished, Kaidan looked up at her, urging her on silently with his eyes.

“You – right. Well, we’re going to have to rethink our plan of attack for the next round.” She finally said, smiling. “You want to be a marine, Ash, then we’re going to have to work on your listening skills. You detracted off from my orders – now I see why.”

Ashley smiled guiltily, standing to attention. Jane continued.

“You’re fighting style is similar to Tali’s, like an engineer. That should actually work great for us – you both know I hit hard and heavy, and your father does better with some range. We can use you to infiltrate and knock them out unsuspected. You picked a good map for that, Ash. Lots of crates, lots of alleys. Lots of areas to crawl around undetected.”

“I – thank you.” She felt her cheeks warm, a grin blossoming across her cheeks.

“You’re welcome. I mean it.” Her mother smiled earnestly at her. “Keep me apprised of your status and your position, but I’ll keep your skills in mind when laying out a plan of attack. We’re also going to need to increase the difficulty. I set it to beginner – I didn’t realize how much training you’d had. I thought you’d be struggling to reload your damn clips, let alone actually be able to hit your targets.”

“You can say that again.” Kaidan muttered cheekily, and she grinned wider.

“Aye-aye, ma’am.”

“Let’s try this out for a few more rounds. After, we can play a set with Kaidan in command – his style is different from my own, it would be good for you to get used to different leadership styles. It’ll be a long time before you’re in charge of a unit of your own.”

Kaidan nodded in agreement, unholstering his pistol and rearming it casually.

“I’ll also work to integrate my biotics with you, Ash. With more biotics hitting the battlefield, human or otherwise, you’ll need to become accustomed to them and how you can work with them. It’s easy for someone like me to pin targets for you to wipe clean. Biotics and engineers actually make for great partnerships.”

“That – that would be great. I’d love that.”

“If we keep practicing like this, down the road I’d also like for you to lead us for a few sets, too. Not anytime soon, but maybe in a few weeks. We’ll bring the combat difficulty down, but it would be good for you to broaden your scope. Commanding a unit means seeing the battlefield as a whole, with all of your teams’ strengths and weaknesses in mind. It’ll be good practice for you.” He continued, smiling at her. “I have some of my students do the same thing, as part of their training. It’s good for soldiers to be acquainted with all the roles on the battlefield.”

“You want to do this again?” Ashley asked incredulously, surprised.

“Of course. We’d love to. I just hope the experience of two Admirals is appealing enough for you.” Her mother smirked, reloading her assault rifle as well. “It’s the same thing with my N7’s. If you’ve been working with Vega, I’m sure you know more than just the standard military code. I’ll start integrating that into our com chats. Just let me know if there’s any orders you don’t understand as we go along.”

Ashley nodded, unholstering her pistol in preparation, an elated expression on her face. Beside her, Kaidan turned up to the ceiling once more.

“Computer, change the difficulty setting back to standard. You can commence countdown.”

_“Acknowledged. Ladies and gentlemen, its combat night in Armax Arsenal Arena! Second round begins in ten seconds. Ten. Nine. Eight…”_

Her mother smiled at her, setting herself into a fighter’s stance. Beside her, her father flared his barrier up once more, ripples of blue dancing across his armor.

_“Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Round two.”_

In her suit, Ashley smiled. She was ready.

/////

It was many hours later before they made their trek home, the three of them sweaty and exhilarated. They spent the rest of the evening pigging out on cold waffles, watching cheesy vids and cuddling up on the couch. They laughed about the days’ events, her parents excitedly discussing how they could plan out her training regimen, sending messages to their former squadmates and inviting everyone to join them for a round at Armax.

It was late by the time she crawled into her bed, her muscles sore and aching but her mind spinning happily. She hit the pillow with a smile, reminiscing on every perfect moment.

They’d been everything everyone had ever talked about and more. The way her parents fought together – it was more like an unspoken dance between them, their bodies moving together fluidly, each knowing what the other would do well before it happened. And the way they would look at each other after every round – examining one another thoroughly, her father placing a gentle kiss onto the part of her mother's helmet where her forehead was covered by her visor. The elated smiles on their faces were indisputable. 

They had loved every moment of it.

Just as she was ready to drift off, she received a message on her omni-tool. Blearily, she cracked her eyes open in the dark of her bedroom, sitting up rigidly when she noticed the sender.

_**from: Admiral Hackett**  
It is an honor to welcome another Alenko into the Alliance. Please see attached for your acceptance letter._

Just when she thought her smile couldn’t get any larger, she beamed. 


	9. Entry 43: Red-Hot Nights With My Rock-Hard Krogan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2204 - 2213  
>  **Location** : Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“James, the last time you babysat, you took her to a playground and told people that you were a single father. You used her to pick-up women.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

**Year 2213**

“Hey, uh, Shep? Is there something you wanted to talk to me about?”

Kaidan called to her from the other room, his voice containing a shred of humor. She was in their bathroom, frantically pinning her hair up -- Garrus and Tali were coming over for dinner later that night, and she hadn’t even started putting the table together yet.

“Huh?” She called back, a bobby pin stuck between her teeth.

“ _’Secrets of My Asari Mistress?’ ‘My Dirty Batarian Secret?’ ‘Ravished: Tales of a Turian Love Cave?’_ ” His voice struggled to contain a straight tenor, and he chuckled beside himself as he willed himself to continue. “Wait, wait, this is the best one: _‘Red-Hot Nights with my Rock-Hard Krogan.’_ ”

She stopped, eyes wide and bobby pin dangling from her lip, only to clatter to the sink unceremoniously as her mouth fell open in confusion.

“Uh, fill me in Alenko. I’m rather curious as to how these R-rated titles so easily slipped into your head.”

“These books I found, they were in the hallway. Aren’t they yours?” His voice faltered a bit, confused.

“Definitely not.” She put the pins down, scurrying out of their bathroom curiously. Kaidan was sitting on the bench at the foot of their bed, nose-deep in _‘Secrets of My Asari Mistress’_ , his eyebrows raised alarmingly.

“Wow. They really don’t spare any details in this.” He muttered quietly, and she grabbed it from his hands, laughing at the sad expression that crossed his face.

“ _’He seemed to know her body’s secrets like he’d been handed a sensual roadmap, gliding his fingers along every road and paying extra attention to all the stops –’_ ” She sighed, snapping the book shut with a chuckle. “That is the worst thing I have ever read.”

“I don’t know, I like to think that _I_ play your body like a sensual roadmap.”

“Don’t even go there.” She whacked him over the head with the book, sighing with realization. “Kasumi.”

“What? Kasumi _wrote_ that?” He asked, flabbergasted.

“No, she _bought_ that. All of these. She came by while you were at Headquarters for the weekend, took our daughter for a ‘girls day out’.”

“Oh.” He furrowed his brow. “I don’t know what I’m more bothered by, that she bought harlequin romance novels for our fifteen-year-old daughter or that Kasumi actually enjoys reading these things.”

“The extranet exists. Trust me, these books are the least of our worries.” She deadpanned.

“Fair point. Either way, I’m getting rid of these. I’ll leave you to talk to Kasumi about this.”

/////

One week later, while washing their bedsheets, she came across something hard under Kaidan’s pillow. A copy of _‘Secrets of My Asari Mistress’_ came tumbling out, a dog-earred page of the book bent down about halfway through.

She left it carefully on top of his fresh pillowcase, laughing to herself at how embarrassed he would be when he realized she had found it.

/////  
 **Year 2209**

JShepard: _You down in the observation deck?_

AAlenko: _Yeah, just finishing that book Aunty Tali gave me._

JShepard: _Alright. Well finish that chapter and get ready TO PARTY LIKE A KROGAN!_

AAlenko: _What?_

JShepard: _What? I didn’t say that. I said it’s time to get ready TO PARTY LIKE A KROGAN!_

AAlenko: _Mom, I’m eleven. I really don’t think you want me to party like a krogan._

JShepard: _Hang on._

/////

JShepard: _Joker._

JMoreau: _Yes, Shepard?_

JShepard: _I know you messed with my tool. When I get my hands on you, I am going to PULL THAT STICK OUT OF GARRUS’ ASS AND BEAT HIM WITH IT._

JMoreau: _Wow, Admiral. A little harsh, don’t you think?_

JShepard: _I just told my eleven-year-old daughter to party like a krogan. You’re treading on thin ice, Moreau._

JMoreau: _Hey, I’m not here to judge your parenting style. I do think Kaidan would be a little upset, though. I hear krogan parties can get pretty wild._

JShepard: _Fix this, and he doesn’t have to know about it._

JMoreau: _Fix what? I like how you automatically assume that I did something here. Here I am, sitting in my chair, doing my job day-in and day-out, and you have the nerve to think I’m conspiring against you? I should be offended._

JShepard: _I swear to god, Joker, I am going to PULL THAT STICK OUT OF GARRUS’ ASS AND BEAT HIM WITH IT._

JMoreau: _I get it, Shepard. You’re angry with Garrus. It’s okay. There are people you can talk to about this._

JShepard: That’s it, I’m LEAVING KAIDAN TO GET IT ON WITH LIARA LIKE I’VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF.

JMoreau: _Whoa, there. A little too much information, don’t you think? I mean, I’m not complaining. But poor Kaidan. He’ll be heartbroken._

JShepard: _Alright, fine. Joke around all you want. You know what this really means, and I mean it. When I figure this out, so help me, I will PULL THAT STICK OUT OF GARRUS’ ASS AND BEAT HIM WITH IT._

/////

JShepard: _Do you mind coming upstairs for a moment?_

AAlenko: _Did I do something wrong?_

JShepard: _No, it’s just I HAVE SOME ASARI CHOCOLATE FOR YOU._

AAlenko: _Really? Wow, thanks mom!_

JShepard: _What? No, I meant it’s time for us to EAT ALL THE ASARI CHOCOLATE._

AAlenko: _I heard you, I’m coming. You’re the best mom ever!_

JShepard: _Wait a minute. You’re in on this, aren’t you?_

AAlenko: _In on what?_

JShepard: _You helped Joker alter my DECISION TO GIVE YOU ENDLESS ASARI CHOCOLATE._

AAlenko: _I don’t know what you’re talking about, mom._

JShepard: _Hang on._

/////

JShepard: _Have you been spending more time with our daughter lately? Particularly in the area of teaching her how to use ~~omni~~ tools?_

KAlenko: _Omni-tools? Yeah, a few days ago. Why?_

JShepard: _Was Joker perhaps privy to this conversation?_

KAlenko: _Yeah, we were up in the cockpit together. I was teaching her a few customization tricks. Joker didn’t seem too interested, though. What’s up?_

JShepard: _I think he taught our daughter how to replace words in my tool with, um, other words._

KAlenko: _Oh. Like, dictionary replacement? I used to do that as a joke to other marines when the tool first came out. Most people don’t even know you can do that. What did she do?_

JShepard: _I think they conspired this together, actually. How do I change it back?_

KAlenko: _You have to type out the affected word, and an icon will pop up in the corner. It reverts it back to original._

JShepard: _Thanks. And maybe, don’t do any practical lessons around Joker in the future._

KAlenko: _Do I even want to know what he changed?_

JShepard: _Let’s just say, me threatening to PULL THAT STICK OUT OF GARRUS’ ASS AND BEAT HIM WITH IT has officially reverted back to ‘kill you’._

KAlenko: _I probably didn’t want to know._

JShepard: _One more thing. Can you buy some asari chocolate before you come back tomorrow? I think our daughter wants some._

KAlenko: _Aye-aye, ma’am. Or should I say, Garrus-beater?_

JShepard: _Very funny._

/////  
 **Year 2207**

“You have to let me borrow your daughter.”

“Wait, what?” Kaidan was sitting in his office at Alliance Biotics Headquarters, half-reading performance reviews and half-watching his unexpected vid-call from James Vega. “Of all the things I expected you to say, Vega, this was not one of them.”

“I know, that sounds bad, but I promise she will have a blast. You’ve gotta trust me.” He was speaking fast and had a familiar glint in his eye – the same look of excitement he got when he was about to go ground-pounding with a brand-new assault rifle. It did not help to quell any of Kaidan’s hesitation whatsoever.

“Is there a reason I don’t get to know what for?” He said with a sigh, raising a brow quizzically.

“Yep, and you’ll know when you see it.” James smiled proudly, then shuffled his feet. “Please, Kaidan. I promise, she will be completely safe. It’s just for a few hours. And I promise to send pictures after. But it’s _gotta_ be a surprise, you guys will love it!”

“Is there any reason you’re asking me instead of Shepard?” He finally asked exasperatedly.

“Yeah, uh, well…” James scratched behind his head nervously. “It’s just, after the last time I babysat she uh, she said I wasn’t supposed to watch her alone anymore. You know. But, I just thought, it’s only for a few hours, and I know she’s with you for the weekend, and…”

“And you think I’ll say yes but Shepard won’t.” He said flatly.

“Uh, yes sir.”

“James, the last time you babysat, you took her to a playground and told people that you were a single father. You used her to pick-up women.”

“Yeah, well, it was accident! This hot chick just sidled up to me and started talking about how sexy it was that a guy like me – uh, I mean, anyway, it didn’t matter, we had the _best_ time on those krogan swing slides. And I took her for ice-cream after!”

“Yeah. With a woman you had just met at the park.”

“Okay, okay, I know that was a little irresponsible.” When Kaidan raised his eyebrows, James promptly backpedaled further. “Okay, it was really irresponsible. But, before that, me and Steve took her out on the shuttle to watch the sunset! She loved that.”

At that, Kaidan paused. “That’s true.”

“And I promise, there’s no women this time. Just me and little Loco and…well, and you’ll see. Please.” He said the last line exasperatingly, pleadingly, his eyes shining with apt hopefulness. Kaidan sighed. He did feel a little guilty; he’d forgotten how much paperwork he needed to catch up on. He knew Ashley always had fun playing with the other children, but he didn’t bring her here only to not spend time with her.

And she really did love spending time with James. Bemusedly, he often thought it was because James was like a giant kid himself.

“Fine. But this is your last shot, Vega. Mess this up again and I’m sticking Cortez with you on babysitting duty from now on.”

“Done deal, sir!” James saluted, a shit-eating grin on his face. Kaidan merely sighed further.

“Please don’t make me regret this.”

“You won’t, I promise. I’ll be passing by your system in thirty minutes. We’ll just be gone for a few hours.”

“Alright. I’ll have her here in the office with me.”

“See you soon, L2.”

“ _Vega_.”

“Uh, Admiral!” His face disappeared from the com. Kaidan sighed again, then typed a quick message to Jacob asking him to bring his daughter over. This had better not be a mistake.

/////

Three hours later, Kaidan sent a vid-com request to his wife. Her face came into view, the green in her eyes sparkling.

“Hey there, handsome. To what do I owe this unexpected call?”

“Something you have to see. Just, promise me you won’t get mad.”

Shepard furrowed her brow. “Is everything alright? Did something happen to Ash?”

“No, no, Ash is fine.” He chuckled, leaning back in his chair and rubbing a hand over his chin thoughtfully. “Actually, she’s more than fine. Let’s just say, we may have to revoke that babysitting ban you placed on James.”

She rolled her eyes, smirking. “Oh god, what now.”

“Check your tool. I’m sending you some holo-images.”

Shepard took her eyes off-screen, bringing her arm up and flicking through her messages. Kaidan waited with baited breath, holding back a laugh he desperately wanted to let out. Her eyes narrowed at first, then melted into something softer, a grin taking over her cheeks.

“Is this…is this our daughter laying in a pile of puppies?”

“You are correct. A pile of James Vega’s friend’s puppies, to be exact. Apparently they were just born a few weeks ago and, since he was passing by the area, he requested to borrow her to meet them. He figured she’d get a kick out of it.”

“He borrowed her to play with an enormous pile of puppies?”

“He borrowed her to play with an enormous pile of puppies.”

“And you okayed this?” She shot him a look, her eyes narrowed threateningly, but the grin on her face gave away the façade.

“Long story short, yes.”

“Long story short?”

“Just, look how happy she is.” He gestured, and she continued to rifle through the photos. “Just wait until you get to the last one.”

After a few more shuffles, she stopped and took in a quick breath. “Oh my god. We have to frame this.”

He grinned, looking at a copy on his own tool. It was Ashley, on her back, laughing so hard her eyes were squeezed shut, her dark hair fanned out around her. Right beside her on the floor, James was on his back too, a similar expression on his own face. There were puppies of every color squirming and crawling out of their arms and around their bodies.

“Yeah, we do.”

“Alright, Kaidan. Consider Vega’s ban hereby revoked.”

“Aye-aye, ma’am. I think our daughter will thank you.”

“One last thing, though.” She grinned at him cheekily. “It will be _your_ job to explain to her why we can’t get a puppy of our own.”

Kaidan blinked. He hadn’t thought of that.

“Shit.”

/////  
 **Year 2206**

“What do you say, Shepard?” Tali’s eyes were alight with excitement, now that she didn’t have her mask on anymore – Shepard still had a hard time getting used to that.

“Tali, you know that you and Garrus are the only people in the world I’d trust enough to take my daughter alone on a cruiser.” Shepard said with a smirk. “Of course, I’m okay with it. Just don’t forget to pack the non-dextro food.”

“Of course not, Shepard! _Keelah_ , I’m so excited. She will love it! I was thinking I could bring my old Nexus, teach her how to scan for different elements.” Tali smiled widely over the vid-com, her words coming out in an excited rush. It made her heart ache, knowing how loved their daughter was by their dearest friends. “Just, don’t tell Kaidan. I think he would _kill_ me if he knew I was teaching her how to use the enemy. I know how fond he is of his old Logic Arrest.”

Shepard laughed loudly at that. Tali wasn’t wrong. “Your secret is safe with me. So what’s going on out in the Nubian Expanse that’s got you all excited?”

“Well, there is a planet in a nearby star system there, and one of its moons just got sucked into its orbit. It’s going to cause an enormous interstellar explosion, and since the atmosphere is very rich in sulfur dioxide, it’s supposed to cause a very beautiful light show, so to speak.” In typical Tali excitement, her words rushed from her in a single breath. “But don’t worry, Shepard, we will be a very safe distance away!”

“I trust you, Tali. I’m not worried.”

“Garrus and I originally planned on going to watch this alone, but we thought about how rare this is, and that maybe Ashley would like to learn something about it as well!”  
“And you’re sure you don’t mind having a six-year-old crash your romantic weekend getaway?”

“Are you kidding? We’d love to! Garrus _begged_ me to ask you, he’s still on leave for another week finishing this mission he’s on. He’s out in the Attican Traverse, I could not even begin to tell you what for. Spectre business, as per usual.” Tali rolled her eyes in mock disgust as Shepard chuckled.

“Yeah, we know _all_ about that.”

“Thank you, Shepard. I can’t wait. I was thinking we could have an old-fashioned sleepover; I’ll pack lots of human candies for her to nibble on, and I thought we could sleep right next to the observation window!”

“I’ll get Kaidan to help you out with the candy selection, he is king of the sweet tooth.” Shepard was laughing, a bemused smile on her face. Tali’s excitement was contagious. 

“This sounds…well, it sounds amazing, Tali. Thank you. Ashley is going to love this.”

“You really think so, Shepard? I want her to have fun!” Her voice bubbled out over the vid-com, wringing her hands in a familiar nervous gesture she had seen too many times before.

“Are you kidding? You’re taking her out on a starship with her favorite aunt and uncle to watch a planet _explode_. This will make her entire year.”

“Then it’s settled. I can’t _wait_ , Shepard. I’ll send you the details of when we will be arriving to Earth, once I hear back from Garrus. I’m staying here with his family until then, his sister makes the most amazing food. I never thought I’d meet a turian who knows how to make a delicious _vegetarian_ casserole, go figure.”

“I’ll keep her calendar open. She’s all yours whenever you hear back from Garrus.”

“ _Keelah se’lai_ , Shepard. It will be an honor.” Tali’s face positively beamed at her.

“Until then, Tali’Zorah vas Palaven.”

/////

Two weeks later, as Ashley excitedly dragged Kaidan down with her onto the couch to show her all the pictures she had taken on their getaway (including Garrus sleeping whilst drool puddled out of his mouth, an adorable one of Tali and Ashley cuddled together under the blankets, and Shepard’s personal favorite – Garrus holding Ashley in his arms, pointing out beyond the window as she looked on in excited wonder), Shepard almost spat out her drink when she saw Kaidan’s eyebrows suddenly furrow in mild concern.

“Ash, honey, is that…where did you learn to use a _Nexus?_ ”

/////  
 **Year 2204**

“Alright, Dr Ashley. Let’s do a bag check before we go.”

“But aren’t we stopping at Thes…Thes…”

“ _Thessia._ ”

“Right. Aren’t we stopping at Thessia before we go?”

“You’re right. But I’m treating you like a real archaeologist on this trip, remember? A real archaeologist always does a bag check before they leave, no matter if there’s another stop along the way.”

Kaidan smiled, wrapping an arm around Shepard whilst sipping his coffee from their kitchen doorway. Liara was crouched down before them on the floor of their living room, smiling as their daughter promptly began to empty out the contents of her bag onto the hardwood.

“Your parents tell me that you’ve been practicing for me while I’ve been away.” Liara continued with a smile, and Ashley eagerly nodded with a wide grin. “Can you tell me what everything is called?”

“Yes! This is a ruler.” Her tiny fingers grasped the metal carefully, placing it gently back into her leather pouch. “Brush. Shovel.” Another tiny finger in the bag. “Trow…um, _trowel._ ”

“That’s right! Very good.” Liara nodded encouragingly.

“And I have my pencil and eraser too, Aunty Liara.”

“Looks like you’re all set, then. Are you ready to go?”

Ashley beamed, nodding eagerly. “Yes! I even know how to use my bag, too. Watch.” She picked up her leather bag carefully, slipping her arms into it and clipping the belt lock into place.

“That’s fantastic! I’m already so proud of you.” Liara opened her arms, pulling Ashley in for a tight hug. When the little girl refused to pull her arms loose, she only grinned wider, pulling herself upright and settling the girls’ weight easily onto her hip.

“She’s been talking about this for two weeks straight. You may have a hard time getting her back down.” Shepard said with a chuckle.

“That’s no problem for me. You can help spot ruins for me better up here anyway, right?” Liara asked gently, and Ashley nodded from the crook in her shoulder.

“Have fun, you two. We can’t wait to hear all about it.” Kaidan said, smiling. Liara carried the tiny cargo to their door, and they promptly followed. From her shoulder, they could see that Ashley was already starting to doze off. “She barely slept at all last night. Too excited that you were coming.”

“No worries. She can sleep in my bed until we arrive to Thessia, it will take us almost seven hours to get there.”

“What’s on Thessia again?” Shepard asked curiously, unlocking the door with a swipe of her tool.

“My assistant, Aleetha. She used this dig site for her doctorate, I’m bringing her along as our guide. It’s very safe, very stable, an almost-perfect atmospheric resemblance to Earth – and has ample of bright, colorful, exciting ruins to discover.” Liara smiled warmly, cradling the tiny girl in her arms a little tighter.

“Thanks for doing this, Liara. She’s going to love this.” Kaidan said, reaching a hand out to brush some of Ashley’s dark locks from her face.

“Please, it’s my pleasure. I may have more fun than she does.” Liara laughed at that, hoisting her own bag up and over her other shoulder. She paused, suddenly looking shy. “And don’t you worry about a thing. I’ll send lots of pictures, and I have lots of food for her and I. I even had Doctor Chakwas help me sort out an appropriate meal plan for her, I – well, I didn’t want her to be malnourished. I’ve never been in charge of the dietary needs of a human before.”

“That…is something you would do.” Shepard laughed at that. “We aren’t worried, Liara. We’re grateful. We know she’ll have an amazing time.”

“Thanks, Shepard.” She smiled gratefully, her eyes twinkling. “We better get going. We’ll see you in three days.”

/////

The next night, they enjoyed a bottle of wine, linking their tools up to the vidscreen and laughing at the holo-images Liara sent their way.

Ashley sleeping soundly tucked into Liara’s cabin bed. The two of them standing outside in the dirt, trowels in hand. Ashley on Liara’s shoulders, brushing dirt away with a smile on her face. Ashley’s look of excitement when she got to use her hands to uncover the dust atop a massive, crumbling monument. Another asari, Liara’s assistant they presumed, grinning into the camera with an equally smiling Ashley, her plate of broccoli forgotten in lieu of Aleetha’s asari chocolate.

And Shepard’s personal favorite – Liara, her eyes closed, kissing Ashley’s dusty cheek while she giggled at something off-camera. 


	10. Entry 42: [E] Making Stuffed Animals Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2202  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-2 / Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“Forget floating your ass down railings or throwing people across the room – no, your true talent is making stuffed animals dance.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: explicit sexual content, crude language]

_“Don’t stop.”_

Kaidan was kneeling on their bed, one arm slung tightly behind her back so he could grip her ass in one large palm, the other resting firmly on the mattress for balance. Her legs were spread over his hips, groin sitting in his lap, her own arms balanced behind her over the headboard.

And he was fucking her so goddamn hard, she really began to question whether their cabin was as soundproof as EDI always promised it was.

“Missed you.” He ground out through gritted teeth, releasing a loud moan as he increased his stride. He was thrusting into her at a brutal pace, the sound of their skin slapping together creating a raucous chorus throughout the room. “You feel so good.”

She was putty in his arms, her chest heaving, breasts bouncing with every eager thrust of his hips as they slammed into hers. Their eyes flitted between one another where they were joined, the sight of him pushing into her with her legs spread wide in invitation a delicious view in and of itself. His eyes positively smoldered, his gaze trailing hotly over her face, her mouth, her breasts.

Even through her lust-filled haze, she acknowledged how gorgeous he was like this. There was nothing she loved more than to see Kaidan let loose, to hold her rough and fuck her heavy, giving into every animalistic urge he had in lieu of his usual gentle control. 

Being able to watch him enjoy her body in this way, his muscles strained, jaw clenched, brow furrowed, those deep grunts spilling from his lips – it was no wonder she’d already come screaming his name not a few minutes before. With a man this sexy ravishing her, his thick cock stretching her full until she was throbbing pleasantly at her core, how the hell could she not?

“Missed you too. _Fuck_ , Kaidan, that’s so good.”

“I want you to –”

_“Shepard? Ashley can’t find her stuffed turian toy. Is it in your cabin? I don’t think she’ll settle until we find it.”_

Kaidan stopped his movements, staring at her with his eyes wide.

Shit.

Glancing around, still sitting in his lap, she cleared her throat, eyes roving around their floor until – 

“Hey, Liara. Yes, it’s here. You can come grab it. I know how she gets without it.”

_“I guess you have Uncle Garrus to blame for that. We’ll be right up.”_

Kaidan was breathing heavily, trying not to look too disappointed when she slid off of him, his eyes squeezed shut. 

“You know, if I’d known how difficult it would be to make love to my wife when we had a kid –” He said huskily, groaning with a chuckle as she made to throw on her N7 tracksuit.

“Trust me, I know. These five-minute pockets are driving me crazy. You were close, weren’t you?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Don’t worry.” She bent down, pressing a kiss to his lips in promise. “I’ll make it up to you when they leave. We shouldn’t have been so hasty, anyway. We both know Ashley can’t sit still for longer than ten minutes without that damn plushie.”

“I’m going to kill Garrus.” He said flatly, still eyeing her breasts as she zipped them shut behind her sweater. She laughed, tucking stray hair behind her ears and tossing him a pair of sleeping pants.

“Sure thing. And when he asks why, I’ll be sure to tell him all the details. But first, put on some clothes.”

He hastily shoved his legs into the fabric, tucking his still-erection into the waistband and throwing a t-shirt over himself. “Fine, but if it’s alright with you, I’m just going to be sitting on the bed here being awkwardly discrete.”

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t want you answering the door like that anyway. Poor Liara would have a heart attack. She’s already likely to blush.”

He smirked at that, sitting at the edge of their bed gingerly, his breathing still heavy. His eyes roved over her hungrily, sending another pleasant tingle down her spine.

They definitely weren’t done here.

She grabbed the toy off the ground – its soft fabric covered with blue facial markings, Garrus had selected it himself for Ashley’s first birthday – and headed for the door, trying to will her skin to lose some of the red flush she had developed from their activities. Not but a few moments later, the tell-tale sound of the elevator came from behind the door, followed by two pairs of footsteps.

Unlocking her door with a smile, Shepard was greeted by Liara holding a still-sniffling Ashley by the hand. Her face was splotchy as though she had been crying, but she was gripping Liara’s hand tightly, her dark lashes stuck together from a few stray tears.

She could practically feel Kaidan’s heart melting from behind her, all misery gone at the sight of her adorable face scrunched up in heartbreak from being away from her Uncle Garrus toy for longer than a few minutes.

“Sorry to interrupt. I didn’t realize how attached she was.” Liara said apologetically, a hesitant smile on her face. 

“No worries, we should have known. Ash, honey, were you looking for this?” She crouched down, holding the plush out in her hand, and Ashley brightened immediately. Her large brown eyes widened and, breaking out into a smile, she reached out to grip it eagerly in her tiny fingers.

“Garrus!” She cried in a tiny voice. Her little hands pulled it in for a hug, and she promptly buried her face into it. “Thanks, mama.”

“No problem. Now, are you gonna go have fun with Aunty Liara now?”

Ashley nodded her head, her face hidden from the plushie. Shepard smirked, looking back up at Liara, who now had a happy expression on her face.

“Thanks, we should be okay now. I’ll bring her back up when we’re done.” Eyeing Shepard with a curious smile, she tugged lightly on Ashley’s hand, who was all too happy to follow, her eyes bright and footsteps positively bouncing now that she had her toy safely back in her arms.

When the elevator doors slid shut behind them, she closed their cabin and locked it once more, turning to find Kaidan’s face gazing up at her with a soft expression.

“You feel bad now, don’t you.” She said with a chuckle, and he laughed, nodding his head.

“Maybe a little. Don’t get me wrong, I _do_ miss getting to ravish you for hours on end the way you deserve –” He sighed happily when she walked back down to him, unzipping her sweater and crawling back to sit in his lap, his erection still very much present and pushing into her stomach. “But, honestly Jane, she’s so goddamn cute it’s worth every moment of feeling this uncomfortable.”

“Hmm. She is pretty cute.” She kissed him, slowly, allowing her tongue to run up alongside his. His cock twitched against her, and a low moan rumbled from his chest. “But I’m still thankful that she will be occupied with her Aunty Liara for the next hour.”

“Is that so. What did you have in mind?” He spoke huskily into her ear, grinding his hips up into hers. His hands were making short work of her clothes, impatiently pulling her sweater off from her arms and tugging at the fabric of her waistband. 

“Well, this handsome marine husband of mine hasn’t been able to come inside of his wife for over two weeks now. I thought we’d rectify that.” She whispered back, smiling when he groaned eagerly at her words.

“Come here, I need to get back inside of you.” He kissed her hungrily, gripping her around her thighs to flip her over unceremoniously onto their mattress. She laughed, only too happy to help him tug her pants off her legs. He whipped his shirt back over his head, dropping his own pants unceremoniously onto the floor before crawling atop of her, gripping her around the waist to carry her farther up the bed.

His cock was still rock-hard, his eyes still a little glazed, and his balls pulled up very tight, she noticed. Grasping himself in one hand, he lined himself up and buried himself back in her in one quick thrust, their satisfied moans cutting off when he pressed his lips to hers again eagerly. 

She raised her legs eagerly, spreading them wide as he wasted no time in plunging himself back into her in short, hard thrusts, her arms wrapped around his neck. She relished in this – she wasn’t going to orgasm again; nor did she need to. This moment was about him, Kaidan – about hearing the desperation in his voice, feeling him move inside of her. She smiled against his lips, moaning as he buried himself in her in a way that made her feel pleasantly full, felt alive in the way he found pleasure in her body.

“ _Jane_.” He moaned, his voice low, his hips stuttering as familiar wisps of blue danced over his skin. She drank in the sight of him, moving herself in time to his hard movements.

“That’s it, Kaidan. Let go. It feels so good.” She whispered, and he groaned, burying his head into her neck at the same moment he buried his hips up against hers. 

His skin lit like a blue flare; the tingling presence of his biotics dancing over her own skin as she could feel him pulsing eagerly inside of her, his cock bursting in a haze of pleasure from within. He was groaning low, his husky voice rumbling from his chest until he collapsed, his muscles boneless, atop of her.

Pleased, she ran soothing fingers through his hair, waiting for him to come down from his high. After a few minutes of their cozy embrace, his breathing evened out, and he glanced up to look at her gratefully.

“I love you.” He said, pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. “Also, you’re really sexy.”

She tossed her head back, laughing into the pillows. 

“Funny, I was actually just thinking the same thing about you.”

“Well, then, I’m a lucky man.” He grinned, resting his head back upon her chest, nestled happily between her breasts. “Think we have time to do that again before they come back?”

“You sure you have the stamina for that? We’re starting to get old, you know.”

“Jane, I haven’t seen you naked in two damn weeks. Trust me, I could probably make love to you a dozen more times and I’d still want more.” He smirked into her skin, tracing his fingers up along her sides. Shuffling his weight, he propped himself to rest on his forearms, his large body still dwarfing atop of hers. “So, remind me. How much longer are we sharing a bed with our daughter?”

“What happened to her being ridiculously cute and worth every second of your sexless agony?”

“Ah, well, you see – she _is_ ridiculously cute, but I may have been a little hasty with the agony part. Because what I just felt right there was something I don’t want to go that long without ever again.” His eyes still smoldered over hers, a flirtatious smile gracing his lips. She swallowed heavily, feeling warmth pool low in her abdomen. 

“It would be nice, to sleep naked again. I miss being able to check you out while you sleep.” She said wickedly, and he chuckled, raising a brow.

“You checking me out, Admiral?”

“Always.” She said honestly, smiling. “And, I don’t know. The Normandy wasn’t exactly designed for family life, Kaidan. Where is she going to sleep, the crew deck? She’s four.”

“Exactly. She’s four.” He kissed her reassuringly. “She sleeps in her own room at home. Maybe it’d be good for her to start getting some independence aboard the Normandy, too.”

“You really feel comfortable with her sleeping in one of the crew bunks? What if she cries, or what if the other crewmen wake her up?”

“Jane, maybe it’d be good for her.” He was eyeing her seriously now, contemplating. “Look, we know this crew inside and out. I’d trust every one of them with my life. And Ashley is a great sleeper, so long as she has her damn Garrus plushie.” Shepard snorted at that – it was true. “It might be good for her to get used to sharing that space with others, to being respectful of other people’s sleep times. Everyone aboard this ship loves her, too; they all treat her like a daughter. Hell, she spends most of her day bugging everyone on duty anyway. I doubt it’d be much different.”

“It just feels…inappropriate, in a way. I don’t know. Imposing, maybe.”

“Is there a harm in trying?” He asked, eyebrows raised. “She may end up really liking it. She already spends a lot of time in there anyway. I know for a fact that Chakwas reads her bedtime stories in there.”

“That’s true.”

“Just…think about it.” He said, kissing the tip of her nose. 

“You sure you aren’t just saying that because you want to have regular sex again?” She teased, raising a brow. He chuckled innocently, avoiding her gaze.

“Well, now, let’s just consider that a pleasant side-effect to us trying to establish more independence for our daughter.”

“Hmm.” She pulled his face up to hers, kissing his lips gently. “Maybe you’re right. I guess it wouldn’t be every night, anyway. Only when you’re not at the Academy.”

“Exactly. It’s hard enough being away from you like that as it is.” He smiled down at her, his eyes warm and a familiar smile tugging the corners of his mouth. “It’s nice to be back.”

“We love having you. Ashley misses you, you know. While you’re away.”

“Hmm. I know.” His brow furrowed a bit at that and he shifted, pushing himself off of her form to lay beside her, running soft fingers across her skin. She was quiet, smiling, waiting for him to gather his thoughts that she knew were headed her way. “I was thinking of splitting the role.”

“Splitting, how?” She asked, intrigued.

“Splitting, as in hiring a – a primary attendant. Someone who would want to stay on-site full-time.” His eyes caught hers, earnest. “I’ve loved these past few years, Shepard. It’s been a dream come true for me. You know it has. But I miss you guys too much. Hell, Hackett and the other teachers are more than accommodating enough for my absences – and I do all that’s required of me, you know I do – but I just feel the students would benefit more from having someone there full-time, you know.”

“But Kaidan, you _love_ your job.”

“I know. But I love you two, more.” He smiled at her, leaning to press a soft kiss to her forehead. Her chest warmed at the familiar gesture, relishing in the peace it gave her after all this time. “I’m not leaving my post, Jane. I would still oversee everything, still ensure everything ran through me directly. But I think it’d be nice to have someone who could operate on a front-line level. Someone on-site, every day. I think I’d still like to be there every other week. But no more than that. I’d like to take on some more admiralty duties back home, with you.”

“That – sounds amazing. I’m certainly not complaining. But – are you sure? This Academy – it’s been your baby. You’ve put so much work into it, you built it from the ground up.”

“I know. But that’s just it – it’s been five years now, Shepard. It’s running. It’s _working_. Starting it was the most difficult part, and we’ve spent five years ironing out the kinks. But now – now, we have amazing staff, even more amazing students. It can run just fine without me having to be there day-in and day-out.” He was gazing at her softly, his fingers raising small goosebumps under her skin wherever they trailed. “I want to be home with you. And home is when I get to fall asleep next to you more often than I don’t.”

She was quiet, contemplating. She couldn’t stop herself from breaking out into a smile that overtook her cheeks, a sudden burst of happiness pooling in her chest. He returned the gesture eagerly, gripping her face in his palm.

“I take it you like my idea?”

“More than I should.” She said breathlessly, pulling him down for another kiss. “Is it possible to be so happy, Kaidan? How is it all so – _good_. I’m still not used to it.”

He chuckled against her lips, pulling her body flush against his. His mouth trailed over her skin, ghosting over her hairline and along her ear. “We earned it.”

She didn’t complain when he leant over her, his erection pressing into her belly. He took her again, slowly this time, their fingers entwined between the sheets, her legs wrapped tight around his waist. 

They earned it, she thought, kissing him feverishly from between his arms.

This time, they didn’t have a single interruption.

/////

“Do it again!”

Ashley was tucked into her bed, her dark hair pulled into two tiny pigtails, eyes looking up at Kaidan delightedly. He chuckled, only too happy to oblige.

His skin rippled in a familiar swath of blue, hand raising in the air gently – and in her lap, her Garrus doll sprang to life, wriggling in the air gently as though performing some sort of dance. Ashley was beside herself with laughter, grinning eagerly and gripping Kaidan’s other hand happily. 

From the doorway, Shepard watched with a smile. It had been two months now since he’d pulled back from his duties at the Academy. When she wasn’t on an expedition aboard the Normandy, they burrowed peacefully into their Vancouver apartment, content to soak up the familiar sights and sounds of rain against their windows and the coast mountains off in the distance. 

For the first time in a long while, Kaidan was home with them more than apart. He’d made the most of it, more than eager to join in on the little things that had always made her smile – the way he folded her uniform on their bedroom chair before they went to sleep each night, having the coffee ready for them when they woke up.

And this – his nightly routine with Ashley, her tiny frame dwarfed by his as they lay upon her bed, her body burrowed beneath the sheets and tucked under his shoulder. 

She had always loved his biotics. It fascinated her endlessly – the way he could make things wiggle from across the room, when he’d play tricks on her by dangling toys above her head, just out of reach, or have her chase them around the room. She was curious, and creative, always devising new ways to grasp onto them or requesting new ways for him to entertain her with.

It always caused a certain spark in his eye, a sort of pride and humbleness all at once. She knew what that feeling was – it made him happier than he cared to admit, being able to use his biotics in such a way. In a way that didn’t hurt anybody, that evoked laughter and silliness and resulted in endless hugs and kisses from the miniature version of himself that was always too-happy to cling to him as though afraid he would disappear.

Yes, Ashley was definitely a daddy’s girl, Shepard thought bemusedly. It warmed her, being able to watch them in this way. It caused a deep-rooted joy in her, being able to see the happiness on Kaidan’s face, hear Ashley’s laughter when he found new ways to tease her. 

After a few minutes, her laughter faded away, her eyes sliding shut as she attempted to fight off a yawn stubbornly. Pleased, Kaidan dropped her Garrus toy gently into her lap, her tiny fingers gripping it eagerly in spite of her tired lashes fluttering shut.

Gingerly, he crawled off of her bed, pulling her blankets up to her ears and turning her light off soundlessly. Shepard stepped back, allowing his larger frame to step outside her door, the lock clicking quietly as it shut behind him.

“I love watching you two.” She said, smiling. He smiled right back, pulling her in for a hug. 

“She’s the most amazing little thing. I could listen to her laugh all day.” He said into her ear, and she smiled.

“Keep playing with your biotics like that and she’ll always laugh for you.” She smirked into his chest, pulling back to eye him humorously. “You know, I never imagined back when I first met you, that this is where your true biotic talents lie. Forget floating your ass down railings or throwing people across the room – no, your true talent is making stuffed animals dance.”

He chuckled at that, placing a kiss on the tip of her nose, a hardened look in his eye.

“I’m just happy I get to use them that way. That after everything, I don’t have to treat them as just a weapon anymore. That they can make our daughter smile, instead of her being afraid of me.”

“You’re her best friend, Kaidan. She’s safest and happiest when she’s with you. Something her and I have in common.” She smiled wryly at that, pressing her forehead against his, sighing happily in his arms. “You’re an amazing father.”

“Thanks. And, thank you for giving me the chance to find that out.” He said gruffly. He was so close, she could see all the different shades of brown in his eyes, the faintest smell of eezo still lingering over his skin. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. What say you and I burrow under the covers and listen to that Vancouver rain you like so much?”

He smiled, pressing his lips gently to hers.

“I’d say, that sounds absolutely perfect.”


	11. Entry 41: Honoring A Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2198  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“Then why…after all this time, Kaidan, why does it still hurt? Why do I feel guilty?”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

_Dear Mrs. Williams,_

_We are reaching out to you in the hopes that you and your family are doing well. We recognize that this message may be unexpected. To us, however, this day has been a long time coming._

_We are requesting, if you are able and if it is not too much trouble, a moment of your family's time. Not a day goes by in our lives where we do not reflect upon and celebrate the memory of your daughter, Ashley. To us and so many others who had the opportunity to serve with her, Ashley was much more than a fellow marine – she was a valued friend, one who is in our thoughts every day._

_If you are interested, please do not hesitate to let us know via the omni ID code attached. We would be honored to arrange a private video communications chat with you at your earliest convenience._

_Sincerely,  
Captain J. Shepard & Captain K. Alenko_

/////

“I’m nervous.”

“You shouldn’t be. I’ve spoken with the Williams’ more than a few times over the years; they’re incredibly kind people. I know they’ll be happy to hear from us.”

They were sitting on the couch in their home in Vancouver, waiting for her call. It would be any minute now. While Shepard was tense and uncertain, Kaidan was holding onto their daughter rather obliviously. He was much more interested in cradling her as though she were the most precious object to ever be bestowed on the universe.

In his mind, Shepard mused, she was. She found that she couldn’t disagree with that.

He cooed down at his daughter with the familiar elated look on his face that was always present whenever she was in his arms. She was half asleep, making soft bubbling noises back up at him, her long lashes fluttering against chubby cheeks. Her shock of black hair spilled out haphazardly from under the blanket that encased her face.

She really was the cutest thing in the world. Of that, Shepard was certain. Maybe Kaidan was onto something here.

Still, the beautiful scene before her did nothing to calm her nerves. She let out another sigh, fidgeting slightly from her perch on the cushion.

Kaidan shot her a look. “Jane, relax. I know what you’re thinking. You’re blaming yourself, _again_. It’s time you let that go. Ashley wouldn’t have wanted that for you and you know it.”

“I know, but that’s just it, Kaidan. Ashley should have been here, too.”

“Well, of course she should have.” Kaidan said tenderly, rocking the baby softly in his arms. “But how many times do we have to go over this? You only feel guilty because of your feelings for me. But if you remove that from the equation, Shepard…I hate to say it, but you made the right command call. Ashley knew it, I knew it. None of us liked it, but we knew that before going in. I would have done in the same, in your position.”

“Maybe so. But how does it look, Kaidan, how does it _really_ look when we…when we’ve ended up where we’re at? Doesn’t it tarnish that decision? Don’t you worry that they question us, question _me_ , that maybe they wonder if there was more to it than just a command call?” She pondered softly, voice shaky. These were questions that still kept her up at night.

He was silent for a minute, musing as he looked down at their daughter.

“I know your fears. I’ve thought them too.” He said earnestly, reaching a hand to clasp her own. “But Ash came from a long line of marines. You gave them every inch of detail that you could in that report. You made the right call. They know it, I know it, and somewhere inside, you know it too.”

“Then why…after all this time, Kaidan, why does it still hurt? Why do I feel guilty?”

“Because the fact that it was the right call doesn’t mean it didn’t suck to make.” He said flatly. “And at the end of the day, we’re still alive while Ash isn’t. There’s nothing we can do to change that, and it just really sucks, Shepard. But you can’t spend forever feeling guilty about it. We just need to keep doing what we’re doing. Accept that pain. Embrace it. Learn from it. And celebrate Ash in every way that we can.”

She sighed, closing her eyes in thought. He was right, she knew. But she also knew she would likely need to hear these words from him again, and perhaps even a dozen more times, before they truly sunk in.

“Ash lost her life on Virmire. The best thing we can do to honor her, Jane, is to live our lives to the fullest. To make her battle a worthy sacrifice.” Kaidan paused, looking down at their daughter in his arms again, already fast asleep. “To make sure the world never forgets her.”

She reached a hand out, gently stroking the baby-soft cheeks that lay snuggled in his arms. Safe, warm, protected. Away from a life of war. Kaidan was right.

“Thank you. As always, for reminding me of what’s important. For being my…shoulder, to lean on.”

“Anytime. Always.” He smiled warmly at her, taken to rocking his arms gently again, falling in love with the cooing sounds that erupted from her tiny bow-lipped mouth.

The sound of their terminal ringing shook them both from their silent splendor, and Shepard reached frantically over to hit the accept button. The baby, thankfully, stayed fast asleep thanks to her haste.

Before them stood a set of familiar faces: while the elderly Mrs. Williams took the fore-screen, the three women who stood behind them made both her and Kaidan catch their breath. Ashley’s sisters, while unique in their own way, held an unmistakable similarity. It made Shepard’s heart skip a beat in a sudden fresh pang of familiar remorse.

“Mrs. Williams. It’s an honor to see you again.” Kaidan said smoothly, rocking the baby softly in his arms once more.

“The pleasure is ours, I assure you. It’s good to you too, Commander Shepard. Sorry – _Captain_ Shepard.” Mrs. Williams smiled at them warmly over the com.

“Of course, ma’am. We really appreciate you taking the time to speak with us.” She spoke, trying to keep her voice steady. It was difficult, with three of Ashley’s ghosts staring out at her. The four of them held warm, embracing looks in their eyes, but the haunting similarity hurt all the same.

“I must admit, we were…quite surprised to hear from you. We had heard on the vids that you are expecting a baby. I, well…we feel honored that you can find the time to speak with us during what I’m sure must be an exciting time.” Mrs. Williams said kindly, glancing over at the obvious bundle in Kaidan’s arms.

He promptly grinned. “Well, ma’am, that’s actually precisely why we wanted to speak with you all today.”

“Oh, but first, may I – I know each of your names, but I have yet to have the pleasure to match your faces.” Shepard cut in, sending Kaidan an apologetic look, to which he shook his head with an encouraging smile. 

“I’m Abby, ma’am.” The shortest piped up with a strong smile, then pointed to her other sisters. “This is Lynn, and the youngest of us, Sarah.”

“Sarah. I remember Ashley telling me a story about you. I hear you’re pretty good at smashing boys' faces into trees, if memory serves me correct.” Shepard said with a smirk. To her pleasure, the three sisters laughed amorously.

“A talent I’ve thankfully dropped since then, Captain.” Sarah replied earnestly. Mrs. Williams leaned back from her spot on the couch, eyeing her daughter incredulously.

“Somehow, in all these years, this particular story has eluded me, Sarah. I wonder why.”

“Nothing to worry about, Ma. He deserved it, I assure you.”

The baby let out a soft coo then, drawing the many eyes to her attention. Kaidan promptly got back to his rocking, smiling softly down at her as she resettled and closed her eyes again wearily.

“I imagine you have quite a lot on your plates at the moment. Your baby is beautiful. We don’t keep up much with the news vids ourselves, but my girls here tell me that you haven’t yet formally announced the birth.” Mrs. Williams spoke slowly, a curious but encouraging tone to her voice. “I can’t help but wonder why we are so lucky to receive a private audience with what is undoubtedly about to be one of the most famous children in the galaxy, hmm?”

Kaidan caught her eye. Seeing her stumble, he took the lead. “You’re right about that, Mrs. Williams. While Jane and I are delaying the inevitable for as long as we can, you and your daughters are the only audience we’ve allowed outside of our own close friends and family. There is a very specific reason for that.”

The Williams’ had all sets of eyes on him, curiosity intermingling with a bit of awe.

“Our daughter here was born three weeks ago. Like any new parent, Jane and I are incredibly in love with her. And we grappled, for a long time, with what to name her. Because unlike most parents, we know that while we are granting her a lot of opportunity, we are also burdening her with a lot of responsibility.”

Kaidan paused, as though mulling over the words in his head. “I say this as humbly as I can, because at the end of the day, the two people you see sitting on this couch is exactly who we are. We’re just Kaidan and Jane, nothing more. We forget, sometimes, that the news vids don’t exactly paint the same picture of us. That our jobs have turned us into something _bigger_ , at least in the public’s eye.”

Shepard smiled at that, twisting her fingers nervously in her lap. 

“We aren’t complaining, by any means. But it did cause us to second-guess ourselves a lot when it came to her.” He caught the eyes of each person staring back at him, smiling brightly as though emboldened by their silent encouragement. “We want her to be strong. We want her to be intelligent. We want her to aspire to be something great, in whatever form that takes for her. We want her to be brave, and kind. We want her to laugh. We want her to be _good_.”

Kaidan looked over at Shepard again, willing her with his eyes to be brave herself. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat, looked down at her tiny daughter dwarfed in Kaidan’s cautious embrace. She thought of Ash.

“We’ve decided to name her Ashley.” She said a little too loud, voice a little too hoarse. “Of all the things we want our daughter to become, we could think of no person greater for her to aspire to than your daughter, Mrs. Williams. That’s why we wanted to meet with you, first. We wanted to tell you ourselves, before you heard it on some Alliance news channel. We wanted you to meet Ashley Alenko for yourselves.”

The stunned silence was for but a moment. Looking back, Kaidan and her didn’t remember much else that was spoken from that video call. Rather, they remembered moments.

They remembered Mrs. Williams closing her eyes as they filled with tears, thanking them endlessly.

They remembered Ashley’s sisters holding hands, wiping tears off each other’s faces, giggling over how adorable her chubby cheeks were.

They remembered how they convinced Kaidan to bring her tiny face as close to the camera as possible, a request he was all too eager to accept.

Mostly, they remembered the look they received from Mrs. Williams the most. Her silent appreciative nod, eyes closed with a smile on her face. It was exactly what Shepard needed to finally, gloriously, let go of her long lingering guilt. It was a look of forgiveness and gratitude, all in one. It meant everything to her.


	12. Entry 40: It Was Perfect, She Was Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2198  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-2  
>  **Codex** : _Kaidan touched the feather-soft hair in his fingers, watched the silky black strands flit between his skin. “We decided to name her Ashley.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

They’d woken in the night with their bed soaking wet. It was 0100 hours – the last thing Kaidan could remember was rubbing his hands over Jane’s belly, laughing with her and feeling the comforting touch of her fingers grazing through his hair.

They’d fallen asleep like that, evidently. He woke with his head on her breasts, hand still splayed on her protruding stomach, her head tossed back against the headboard.

But the sheets were wet. Jane was _wet_. She’d stared at him, confused, for the briefest of moments before he’d jumped into action.

They’d been waiting for this.

Hurriedly, with a smile on his face, he slipped her out of her sticky pajamas and slipped her into the gown Doctor Chakwas had left for them. It fell over her head, and he rushed her feet into soft slippers before making their way to the elevator.

It was finally here. He couldn’t stop smiling.

Shepard, on the other hand, was another story. She was smiling, too, but it was different from his – strained, uncomfortable, uncertain. He rubbed her belly earnestly, slammed the elevator for deck 3, kissing her all over her face until a genuine grin graced her lips.

“You’re excited. I get it.” She said, chuckling against his mouth, hands gripping her belly uncomfortably.

“Are you okay? How do you feel?” He asked earnestly, eyes wide. She cupped his jaw, stroked the stubble that was present there.

“I feel fine. A little uncomfortable, but fine. I’m happy we’re doing this here.”

The elevator stopped, and he gingerly wrapped an arm around her to help her on the short walk to the med bay. “I still think we could have done this in an actual hospital. Chakwas even agreed to wait groundside with us.”

“I want the baby to be born here, on the Normandy. This is…this is home.” She looked at him, caught his gaze. He smiled.

“This is home.” He agreed.

The doors slid open with a familiar _swish_ , and a bleary-eyed Chakwas was waiting for them.

“I got your message. Put her down here; I’ve had the bay ready for weeks.” She indicated to a medical bed that was covered in soft sheets, stirrups awaiting, a tray with equipment threatening to spill over in position at the feet. “Kaidan, close the blinds, would you? And lock the door.”

He placed a kiss on Shepard’s forehead, who had her eyes closed in a grimace, before hurrying to the door. “EDI, can you activate the pregnancy protocol we discussed earlier, please?”

“ _Activating, Captain. All attempts to contact you or Shepard will be on hold. Doctor Chakwas will only be contacted under serious medical duress. Crewmen with Level II Field Medic training have been alerted to assist in your absence._ ” EDI’s smooth voice broke into the room, then paused. “ _And – congratulations._ ”

“Thanks, EDI.” Kaidan grinned, and as the blinds rolled shut he rushed back to a concentrated Chakwas, who had placed a sheet discretely over Shepard’s knees and was busying herself by checking her temperature.

“I hope you’re ready for a long day, Kaidan. I’m going to need your help as we go along.” Chakwas reminded him gently, smiling. He nodded eagerly, taking to Jane’s side and slipping a hand into hers. She gripped his palm gratefully.

“Nowhere else I’d rather be.” He smiled.

/////

It was a girl.

Sixteen hours later, Doctor Chakwas placed a tiny bundle gently into Shepard’s arms. She was exhausted – her hair plastered to her forehead, legs feeling like jelly, she’d sweated through the sheets – but the moment the tiny person shifted in her arms, Kaidan watched as her eyes lit up with joy.

It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Until he saw his daughter, of course.

She was quiet, and so tiny – he grasped one of her tiny hands in his, marveling at how her fingers curled curiously over his thumb. She had a shock of black hair, her smooth skin a light olive color. And she blinked up at them, amber eyes just like his, dark lashes fluttering against chubby cheeks.

“Kaidan.” Jane said, smiling up at him. He watched as her tiny body burrowed deeper into Jane's chest before tearing his eyes away.

“Yeah?” He said hoarsely, disbelievingly. They’d _made_ that? That tiny little person was the two of them?

“You’re a dad.” Jane said softly, smiling.

“Yeah.” He looked down at her again, amazedly. He was.

“Don’t mind me. I’m just running a few quick scans. Heartrate, temperature, that sort of thing.” Chakwas leant across them gently, scanning her tool over her tiny face, her tiny fingers and toes. Jane already had her eyes closed, a smile on her lips as her arms tightened slightly around the swaddle of blankets.

“Karin.” Kaidan said, watching as Chakwas furrowed her brow, the tool flitting with readings. “Is she, you know…is she alright?”

His voice came out tighter than he expected, the pitch all wrong. Chakwas put her tool down, smiling gently at him.

“Yes, Kaidan. She has minimal levels of eezo present in her DNA. Evidently passed on from _you_ , but not anywhere near enough to warrant any significant biotic capabilities. Certainly not enough to cause any sort of health concerns.” She reached a hand out to clasp over his reassuringly. “She’s perfectly healthy. You have nothing to worry about.”

A knot that had formed deep inside his chest seemingly unlocked, and he exhaled loudly. A flood of relief prickled across his skin, and he chuckled beside himself. Healthy. She was healthy.

“I told you.” Jane mumbled, grinning in her sleepy state. He pushed the hair back from her face, leant forward to press his lips to her forehead softly.

“You did.” He dropped his face to press his lips gently across the smooth skin of their daughter’s forehead, her eyes gazing curiously up at him. “I love you. I love both of you. You – I’m so happy, Jane. I’m so proud of you. You’re amazing, she’s… _she’s_ amazing. She’s perfect.”

“So are you.” She said simply, cracking her eyes open to watch him sleepily.

“Sorry to interrupt. I was merely curious – before I leave you be, can I ask…have you decided on a name?” Chakwas whispered softly behind them.

“Yes.” Kaidan touched the feather-soft hair in his fingers, watched the silky black strands flit between his skin. “We decided to name her Ashley.”

He heard Chakwas take a deep breath behind him, watched as she brought a hand to her mouth softly.

“It’s…it’s perfect. She would be honored.” Chakwas finally said, her eyes wet.

Her footsteps fell into the distance and Kaidan laid his head to rest on Jane’s stomach, one hand still clasped around their little girl’s. It was perfect. She was perfect.

They fell asleep like that, absolutely exhausted.  
 


	13. Entry 39: Extranet Baby Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2197  
>  **Location** : Extranet  
>  **Codex** : _“I mean it only took you, what – 14 years to get Shepard pregnant? You have a hard time aiming there, or what?”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: mentions of sexual activity]

JMoreau: _I myself think Jeff is a fantastic name. Just something to think about, no pressure or anything._

JShepard: _Duly noted, Joker._

JMoreau: _If you want to get more fancy, you could even go with Geoff. Bit of a douchebag version, but if you want a majestic name for the future celebrity baby of the galaxy…_

JShepard: _Celebrity baby?_

JMoreau: _You’re kidding me, right? Have you even seen any of the news vids? That baby is all anyone is talking about. If you didn’t have Wrex as a friend, I’d recommend you get a bodyguard. Fortunately, he’s enough to ward off just about everyone._

JShepard: _I don’t want to know, Joker._

JMoreau: _I dunno. It’s some exciting stuff. Lots of bets on who it’s going to look like, whether it’s a boy or a girl, whether it’ll have that crazy biotic hair that Kaidan’s rocking all the time. You know, good, legitimate questions._

JShepard: _I truly hope you’re kidding._

JMoreau: _That’s for me to know, and you to watch the news vids._

JShepard: _Get back to flying the damn ship, Flight Lieutenant Moreau._

JMoreau: _Aye aye, mom._

/////

LT’soni: _When you have a moment, I’ve done all the research you’ve requested._

KAlenko: _Already? Why am I surprised. What did you find?_

LT’soni: _Not much, unfortunately. Humans biotics are still rather new. Some offspring have biotic capabilities, others do not. But there hasn’t been any formal quantitative research. So I cannot say if those genes were passed on by biotic parents, or if the child was exposed to element zero in utero. It also raises other questions of pertinence for me: were both parents biotic? If not, which parent passed on more genes to the child? What were the nutritional plans of both parents? Does a specific gender carry more predisposition than the other?_

KAlenko: _Fascinating questions as always, Dr T’Soni._

LT’soni: _Forgive me. Your questions have intrigued the scientist in me, particularly in a race as genetically unique as humans._

KAlenko: _No need, I’m curious myself. What does your gut tell you?_

LT’soni: _A scientist is never supposed to trust their gut. We trust data, empirical evidence._

KAlenko: _As do I. But for now, I’m asking as a friend, not a fellow scientist._

LT’soni: _My gut tells me it isn’t transferable. There are too many variables, and humans are not naturally gifted with biotics._

KAlenko: _So you don’t think the baby will be a biotic._

LT’soni: _My gut tells me no. But…I hope you take it as that. A gut feeling. I have no concrete evidence to go on._

KAlenko: _It still makes me feel a little better. Thank you, Liara._

LT’soni: _Anytime, Kaidan. I’ll let you know if I find anything else._

/////

TZorah: _Keelah, Shepard. Congratulations!_

JShepard: _Thanks, Tali._

TZorah: _I didn't even realize you and Kaidan were trying to get pregnant! I wouldn't have visited so often if I'd known. You know, give you guys some more alone time._

JShepard: _No worries, Tali. We weren't really trying. Consider this a very big surprise._

TZorah: _The best kind of surprise. So, was it over his birthday weekend?_

JShepard: _Was what over whose birthday weekend?_

TZorah: _You know, where the baby was made! Remember a few months back, you took Kaidan back to his childhood home back on Earth for a few days?_

JShepard: _You're really asking where we conceived?_

TZorah: _I can't exactly make a baby with Garrus. We're dietarily compatible, not genetically. So I'm just going to live vicariously through you._

JShepard: _Good point. I'm not entirely sure, really._

TZorah: _Well, where did you...you know?_

JShepard: _I think a smaller list would be the locations we didn't...you know._

TZorah: _Oh. Remind me again how this didn't happen sooner?_

JShepard: _I'm starting to ask myself the same question._

/////

JMoreau: _Nice job, man._

KAlenko: _Thanks, Joker._

JMoreau: _I mean it, it only took you, what – 14 years to get Shepard pregnant? You have a hard time aiming there, or what?_

KAlenko: _No, we just didn’t think charging into a reaper battle with a baby on the way was the most sound of ideas._

JMoreau: _But making out with your commanding officer on live vidfeed and in front of Admiral Hackett was?_

KAlenko: _Are you ever going to let that go?_

JMoreau: _Never, the look on the Admiral’s face was priceless. I wish Al-Jilani had her camera pointed at him instead._

KAlenko: _In my defense, I hadn’t seen her in over ten months._

JMoreau: _I didn’t have a girlfriend either for all that time, and I had to wait another three weeks to find a suitable body to upload her data files into. But you didn’t see me mauling her in a public place._

KAlenko: _Valid point._

JMoreau: _That’s what I thought._

KAlenko: _Thanks for the pep talk._

JMoreau: _Anytime. Say, are you worried that your kid is gonna come out with the same hair as you? You know, all statically charged and sticking up everywhere?_

KAlenko: _Goodbye, Joker._

/////

JVega: _Damn, Lola. So I guess this means you and me will really never happen, huh?_

JShepard: _I gather the day I married someone who wasn’t you was not enough of a signal for you?_

JVega: _Hey, a man can dream!_

JShepard: _Well, sorry to break it to you, James. Any chance of us has officially come to an end._

JVega: _So, say you have a daughter. And say in twenty years, she’s super hot._

JShepard: _This conversation is over, James._

/////

TZorah: _Please?_

KAlenko: _Absolutely not._

TZorah: _But what if the baby wants to learn? You know, when they get older?_

KAlenko: _My child is using a Logic Arrest, Tali. That's final._

TZorah: _I can't have a child of my own, Kaidan. What if they want to learn? You're denying me what could possibly be my only chance to impart some of my wisdom onto a child._

KAlenko: _...did you really have to word it that way?_

TZorah: _Is it working?_

KAlenko: _No._

TZorah: _Stubborn bosh'tet._

KAlenko: _That, I will agree with._

/////

GVakarian: _So I did some research on the extranet during my down time here. Admittedly, I had to shoot someone in the leg to get him to spew the access codes so I could connect in the first place, but the point is that I contacted you as soon as I could._

JShepard: _I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Vakarian. What did you have to look up that was so important it required severing someone’s femoral artery?_

GVakarian: _Not sever, just…lightly graze. He’s still alive, by any means. Anyway, I had to look up the right human term – it’s “Uncle”. I get to be Uncle, right? I mean, I know I’m not technically related to either of you, and the baby will be thankful for that when its born, but I feel an honorary role would be fitting seeing as there aren’t any other viable candidates I’m aware of._

JShepard: _Uncle Garrus? I think that might just be the most fitting name you’d ever had._

GVakarian: _Better than Archangel?_

JShepard: _Better than Archangel. And Archangel was pretty damn cool._

GVakarian: _So that’s a yes?_

JShepard: _Yes, Garrus. We would be honored to have you be the baby’s Uncle._

GVakarian: _Excellent. Now, how do you and Kaidan feel about early combat training? I thought we could start with body positioning tactics, hand-to-hand combat, the basics. But I’d like to get them up and training with at least a pistol in their first few years. I’ve always wanted to take a niece or nephew to that shooting range out by the Arcturus Stream._

JShepard: _One step at a time, Uncle Garrus._

/////

UWrex: _Nice job baby-making, Alenko! I knew you had the quads to do it!_

KAlenko: _Thank you…I think._

UWrex: _Just think, we can get our little runts together and watch them bash heads._

KAlenko: _As fun as that sounds, I do believe human heads are a bit more fragile than krogan heads._

UWrex: _Exactly! It’ll toughen up your little warrior from the get-go._

KAlenko: _Something you’ll have to run by Shepard, first._

UWrex: _Ah. Right, that little issue. What do you say our chances are on having a varren fight at the baby shower?_

KAlenko: _Slim to none, I’m afraid._

UWrex: _She always was a buzz kill._

/////

JVega: _Just heard the news, L2. NICE._

KAlenko: _Why, thank you, James._

JVega: _So do we get to know the magic position or what?_

KAlenko: _The what now?_

JVega: _You know! You two have been drooling all over each other the moment I met you. What finally did it? Don’t tell me you went making babies on our poker table._

KAlenko: _This conversation is over, Vega._

JVega: _No, wait, the shuttle? Please tell me you left my weapons bench alone._

KAlenko: _We’re not talking about this._

JVega: _Actually, please tell me you got it on in Doc’s office._

KAlenko: _And here I thought this would be a mature, respectful conversation._

JVega: _No, no, no, I know, the gun battery! Vakarian would die if he knew._

KAlenko: _The weights, Vega._

JVega: _What?_

KAlenko: _The weights. Right under your old pullup bar in the docking bay._

JVega: _You’re just messing with me, right?_

KAlenko: _You wanted to know._

JVega: _You’re kidding. Right? L2? Kaidan? Please respond. Alright, I’m sorry. I swear I’ll respect your privacy from now on. Just tell me you’re kidding about the weights!_

/////

MLawson: _A little birdie told me that you’re eating for two now, Shepard. Congratulations._

JShepard: _You heard correct. Thank you, Miranda._

MLawson: _I might have to request a vidcom chat soon. You know I’m going to want all of the details._

JShepard: _I’d be happy to, you just say the date. Actually, I’m happy you reached out. I wanted to thank you._

MLawson: _Whatever for?_

JShepard: _For making this even possible. If it wasn’t for your expertise, I wouldn’t have been able to conceive at all. You…did an incredible thing, piecing me back together. It’s taken Kaidan and I for quite a shock._

MLawson: _I was only doing my job, Shepard. Have you ever known me to do anything less than absolutely perfect? You wouldn’t be you if I missed out on anything as important as your menstrual cycle._

JShepard: _Perfection is certainly your calling, Miranda. Thank you anyway. Truly._

MLawson: _I’m happy to have been of help. And, I mean it Shepard. I’d love to hear everything. You know I always wanted…well. I’d just love to know how it all goes for you. Call it maternal curiosity._

JShepard: _My body has never been a secret to you before. I see no reason to change that now. I’m happy to tell you everything along the way. I may have a few questions, myself._

MLawson: _Thanks, Shepard._

JShepard: _I look forward to it, Miranda._

/////

GVakarian: _So I’m thinking we’ll start with pistols._

KAlenko: _Uh…fill me in. I think I’m missing something._

GVakarian: _Well, I was talking with Shepard about when we could start with basic training. On Palaven, children can’t enlist until fifteen, but parents usually start home-training as young as five. I don’t know much about human development, but I’m thinking as soon as the little one is able to follow basic commands is when we can start with hand-to-hand combat._

KAlenko: _Wait, you’re talking about military training for our child?_

GVakarian: _Of course. You’re the pistol expert here, I could really use your hand in that department as a sniper man myself._

KAlenko: _Garrus, we’re not going to military train our child._

GVakarian: _Alright, eight?_

KAlenko: _No._

GVakarian: _Ten?_

KAlenko: _Garrus._

GVakarian: _Don’t come complaining to me, then, when you and Shepard manage to get yourselves in one of those ridiculous situations that you always do and your child is the only one who has time to reach you – and they can’t even load a damn pistol properly._

KAlenko: _What kind of situation could ever possibly occur that would require my child needing to use a pistol that either myself or Shepard couldn’t handle?_

GVakarian: _Are you really asking that? Think, for a moment, about who you’re married to._

KAlenko: _…ask me again in a few years, and maybe we’ll talk._

/////

EDI: _If you have a moment, Captain Alenko, I have some information you may find interesting._

KAlenko: _EDI? I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to you over omni-tool before._

EDI: _The nature of my information is sensitive, Kaidan. Forgive me for being discrete. I didn’t want to be overheard._

KAlenko: _Not at all, I was just curious. What have you got for me?_

EDI: _In light of Shepard’s current maternal state, I have been conducting research into human sexual behaviors. I was curious as to how the biological changes that occur in females would affect the mating practices in sexual relationships._

KAlenko: _…Alright._

EDI: _I found some interesting data on positions that are most comfortable for women while they are in the later stages of their pregnancy. If you are interested, I would be happy to pass this information on to you to ensure your own sexual practices continue to be both comfortable and enjoyable._

KAlenko: _…Sure. Hey, EDI, this information is just going to stay between us, right?_

EDI: _What information are you talking about, Kaidan? My conversation log appears to have mysteriously disappeared._

KAlenko: _Thanks, EDI._

/////

KGoto: _How mad would you be, if I waited for twenty years before seducing your future son?_

JShepard: _That’s quite the opener._

KGoto: _Can you blame me? You already snagged the man with the nicest ass I’ve ever seen. It’s only fair if I have a shot with his son._

JShepard: _We don’t know the gender yet, Kasumi. And it would be my son, too._

KGoto: _Excellent. You can raise him to have a penchant for Japanese girls with kleptomania._

JShepard: _Or I teach him to earn money the old-fashioned way. You know, legally._

KGoto: _But just think about how romantic it would be! A young, ruggedly handsome man with a perfect ass falls in love with a beautiful, elusive thief in the night._  
JShepard: _This isn’t one of your romance novels, Kasumi. You can have his heart, so long as you don’t steal it._

KGoto: _Love is the one thing you can’t steal, Shep. If I could, I’d have stolen Kaidan’s already._

JShepard: _I thought you had your eye on Jacob?_

KGoto: _That was before Kaidan beat him in that pushup contest. It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for._

JShepard: _That you do._

/////

ZMassani: _Nice job knocking your old lady up, Alenko._

KAlenko: _Thank you? I think?_

ZMassani: _Any chance I can come for a visit soon?_

KAlenko: _I’m waiting for an alternative motive to crop up here._

Massani: _You know how it goes, pregnant women always end up with huge tits. Wouldn’t mind snagging myself a view._

KAlenko: _And there it is._

/////

JVega: _You were kidding about the weights, right?_

KAlenko: _\- message read -_

JVega: _Kaidan?_

/////

LT’soni: _He’s asking again._

JShepard: _As though getting weekly medical reports from Chakwas wasn’t enough. I’m assuming you have nothing new to report?_

LT’soni: _Not a thing, but I admit I find his concerns to be quite adorable._

JShepard: _It’s adorable until you live with it. Then it’s just annoying._

LT’soni: _Awe, it’s sweet. He’s only trying to look out for you. The both of you._

JShepard: _I know. But wracking himself with this much stress is pointless when its beyond his control. The baby will be what it is._

LT’soni: _I’ll keep looking, anyway. It’s heartwarming to see how much he cares for you._

JShepard: _I suppose you’re right. Thanks, Liara._

LT’soni: _You’re very welcome, Shepard._

/////

KChakwas: _As per yours and hers request, Kaidan, I’m attaching scans of my latest medical examination of your wife._

KAlenko: _Thank you, Doctor. Anything I should know?_

KChakwas: _Nothing to report, which is a good thing. Baby is healthy, a nice strong heartbeat. Shepard could go with a few more vegetables, but then I think all of you marines can._

KAlenko: _Noted. I’ll make sure to sneak some more greens into her food when she isn’t looking. Any eezo readings in the baby?_

KChakwas: _None present. But then, it’s still very early, Kaidan. You yourself would not have shown any eezo readings in your mother until close to nine months._

KAlenko: _I know, just being cautious. I was exposed in utero, the baby was exposed to it from the get-go._

KChakwas: _Your caution is admirable. Might I remind you, Kaidan, that the baby would be healthy either way. I’ll make sure of it._

KAlenko: _Thanks, Doctor. I couldn’t trust them with anyone else but you._

KChakwas: _I’m honored to play but a small part._

/////

JTaylor: _Did I hear that right? Scuttlebutt says you and the misses are expecting a little one._

KAlenko: _You heard right. Sorry in advance if I ask you to take on a few extra classes when the baby gets here._

JTaylor: _It would be my pleasure! Congrats, Alenko! Next time you’re on campus, drinks are on me._

KAlenko: _I appreciate that, Jacob._

JTaylor: _Imagine that. A little Shepard-Alenko hybrid running around. Something tells me you’re in for a bit of a rough ride, sir. That kid is gonna kick some serious ass._

KAlenko: _I’ll have to bother you for a few parenting tips when things get out of hand._

JTaylor: _Just say the word, and I’ll be there with a case of beer._

KAlenko: _I appreciate that._

JTaylor: _It’s my pleasure, man. Being a dad is…there’s nothing like it. The best job you’ll ever have. I’m excited for you, for both of you._

KAlenko: _I’ll pass the message along to Shepard. Thanks Jacob._

JTaylor: _You know it._

/////

EDI: _Congratulations, Shepard._

JShepard: _Thanks, EDI. Am I to assume you may have some motherhood-based questions for me?_

EDI: _I do have questions, Shepard, but they are not regarding motherhood per say._

JShepard: _Alright, shoot._

EDI: _I do have questions regarding the act of making the baby, itself._

JShepard: _Isn’t…this something you can find on an extranet site? Or that you and Joker – you know what, I’m gonna leave it at that._

EDI: _I know how sexual intercourse works, Shepard. What I was curious about was the aptitude of intercourse in relation to your successful pregnancy. According to the extranet, chances of conception between viable human partners is approximately 13.4%. It would seem, however, that this number is false._

JShepard: _In what way?_

EDI: _You and Kaidan engage in a rigorous amount of sexual activity while aboard the Normandy. I am therefore confused at the length of time it took for you to conceive. According to my calculations, you should have been pregnant…one week after his return to the Normandy back in 2186._

JShepard: _EDI, how do you know how much, uh, activity that we engage in? Have you been spying on us?_

EDI: _Not at all Shepard. That information, I’m afraid, wasn’t calculated scientifically. It was calculated with data collected through what Jeff calls ‘scuttlebutt’._

JShepard: _Are you saying Jeff has been spying on us?_

EDI: _No, I am saying that you are not very discrete._

JShepard: _Ah._

EDI: _I’m sorry, was that not polite to say? I was not intending for that to be rude._

JShepard: _Wasn’t rude at all, EDI. Eye-opening, is all. Let me know if you have any further questions._

EDI: _Thank you, Shepard. I’m certain I will._

/////

JMoreau: _Just politely letting you both know, to maybe avoid the ANN for a few days._

KAlenko: _I have a feeling that I'm going to regret asking this, but...why?_

JMoreau: _Nah, nothing really. Just Al-Jilani doing some big segment on, ah, the galaxy's new favorite baby._

JShepard: _A baby that isn't even born yet. Nor have we spoken with Al-Jilani, or any reporter for that matter._

KAlenko: _So what, is she hosting a gender bet or something? Trying to corral viewers into voting whether it'll have my hair color or Shepard's?_

JMoreau: _You really think I'd be bothering you if it was something as tame as hair color?_

JShepard: _Get to the point, Joker. Aren't you supposed to be running diagnostics with Cortez right now?_

JMoreau: _Uh, yeah, but bringing to your attention the fact that Al-Jilani is running a cover story on where you supposedly conceived your child, with alleged video footage, seemed a much more prudent task. And by prudent, I mean hilarious._

KAlenko: _Shepard._

JShepard: _On it._

JMoreau: _You're welcome!_

/////

JVega: _Hey, Lola. Got a strange question for you._

JShepard: _That you had to preface your question in this way worries me. What is it, James._

JVega: _You and the Major never, ah…got frisky around my weights did you?_

JShepard: _Are you seriously asking me this?_

JVega: _You know, in the docking bay? Do I need to wash anything when I come by on my next visit?_

JShepard: _You are seriously asking me this._

JVega: _The Major may have slipped that little Baby Loco was kind of, uh…you know, made there._

JShepard: _Did he now._

JVega: _He was kidding, right?_

JShepard: _\- message read -_

JVega: _Dammit, come on!_

/////

JShepard: _Nice one with James._

KAlenko: _Thought you’d like that._


	14. Entry 38: I Always Have Time For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2197  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-2  
>  **Codex** : _“Well, I’ve figured it out. There is definitely no cause for concern, Shepard. But – you may want to sit down for this one.” Chakwas turned, smiling at her in a way that Shepard had never seen before._
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: mentions of sexual activity]

“Are you alright? You look a little tired, Shepard.”

Kaidan’s voice reached her ears at the wrong pitch, the world a little fuzzy for a moment. She sighed in frustration, haphazardly wiping the sweat from her brow.

“I’m fine, just forgot to eat breakfast. How’s your first day going, Mr. Head of Biotics Division?”

Kaidan quirked a brow, his vid-com self crossing his arms in a familiar gesture of suspicion. “Shepard…”

“I’m _fine_ , Kaidan, really. I promise.” She smiled, forcing a grin to overtake the queasiness she felt in her stomach. “Please, just tell me about your day. So – fill me in, Major.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, as though trying to assess whether she was trying to fool him or not. Whether she succeeded she didn’t know, but he eventually huffed in defeat and smiled at her anyway. Victory.

“It’s…well, it’s going great. It’s a little overwhelming, really. But it’s easier that I have most of my old students back. I’ve kept most of them on as teachers here. I can’t wait for you to see it, Shepard.”

He unfolded his arms, a hint of pride showing on his face.

“It’s…amazing, to see how many happy students have arrived here to train with me. The best part is, the parents know where they are, they can speak with their families, they’re in a safe environment, and…they’re excited. Not just the students, but the parents, too. It’s everything that BAaT wasn’t, and everything I ever dreamed of for human biotics.”

“So let me guess. You feel underqualified.”

“You know me too well.” He said with a chuckle, scratching behind his head sheepishly. “I know logically I’m the best choice for this. But I guess it’s just such an unexpected honor that I’m having trouble getting used to it. The idea of being able to do so much good, to make people excited about biotics – it’s just incredible.”

“I’m so proud of you, Kaidan. And so happy. I couldn’t think of anything more perfect for you.” She said sincerely. “Those kids will be lucky to have you.”

“Thanks, Shepard. I feel lucky to have them! The, uh, the dork in me finds it pretty cool when my old biotic tricks can cause so much awe in them. I feel like a superhero or something.” He said a little sheepishly.

“Your inner teenage boy is just jumping for joy, isn’t it?” She smirked.

“Hell yeah he is! I feel like my very own Captain Universe.” He laughed and, while the com still lacked any pigmentation, she was certain that a blush would have risen adorably to his cheeks. “Seriously though, I owe Hackett a lot. I can’t think of an assignment I’d be happier to take on. Other than being with you, of course.”

“Hey, you know me. I can pilot the Normandy just fine without you. The bed does seem an awfully lot bigger without you, though. Somehow only having Joker and EDI to keep me company just isn’t the same.”

“I miss you, too.” He said seriously, the laughter gone from his face. “I mean it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited as hell to be here. But I admit that I’m looking forward to getting this first semester up and off the ground. Once the kinks are all worked out, well…that’s the perks of being _Head_ of Biotics Division, I guess. I can lead from afar. I mean, I figure I’ll spend most of my time here but – well, home is where you are. It just doesn’t feel right not falling asleep next to you each night.”

“I have a feeling that the Normandy will be taking more trips through the Petra Nebula than absolutely necessary, too.” She said in response, a warm fluttery feeling settling into her stomach at his words. Kaidan always made her feel that way, with his unbounding sincerity. The man never let a moment slip by without letting her know just how important she was to him.

How they’d gotten so lucky, she’d never understand.

He smiled unabashedly. “We look forward to welcoming you. And I look forward to being able to check on you, too. I know how you get when I’m not around to cook you food every day. I’ve spoiled you with my biotic metabolism.”

“What can I say, when you’re married to a man that’s always eating, it takes the necessity to cook right out of a person.” She rebutted, pleased when he chuckled appreciatively.

“Say what you will, Shepard, but I’m going to be checking in on you. Maybe I’ll ask EDI to keep an eye on your caloric intake while I’m gone.”

“You wouldn’t _dare_.”

“Then go eat some damn breakfast, woman. It’ll make me feel better about being so far away from you.” He smiled, an affectionate look in his eye. “Also, Jacob said to pass on his greetings.”

“Oh good! He accepted the position, then?”

“He did. I’m happy to have him here, and I think he is, too. As much as the man loves Brynn and their kids, I think the marine in him missed being able to play with biotics on a daily basis. He’ll make a great teacher; the students love him already.”

“I’ll make sure I send him a message of thanks.”

“He’d like that.” Kaidan paused, eyes skimming her form briefly with a wistful smile. “I miss you, Jane. I mean it. Please take care of yourself.”

“I will. I promise, I’m going to eat some food now. If I’m lucky, I won’t mistake the breakfast cereal for Tali’s dextro-granola again.”

Kaidan wrinkled his nose at that. “That really was a terrible morning, wasn’t it?”

“The worst.” She laughed, blowing a kiss his way. “Now get out of here Major, you’ve got a division to run.”

“Aye-aye, ma’am. Just had to remind my wife that she still makes first priority.”

“Duly noted. Oh, and…I love you.”

“I love you, too. Always.” He sent her one last smile before fizzling from sight.

/////

Two days later, and Shepard could finally admit defeat. She had fought the good fight, but after a second sleepless night and zero luck in being able to keep anything but water in her stomach for longer than a few hours, she could admit that she was well and truly sick.

Which is exactly how she ended up sitting on the edge of the infirmary bed, an amused Doctor Chakwas waving a penlight in front of her eyes.

“Pupil reflexes normal, Commander.”

“Would the flu really affect my pupils, Doctor?”

“No, but this is the first time you’ve willingly come into my infirmary in the entire time I’ve know you, Shepard. So I’m taking this time to perform your yearly physical that you’re…three years overdue for, as well.” Chakwas smirked, waving her omni-tool over in front of her face. “Now, stay still while I scan you, these things are finnicky with moving patients.”

“You make a good point, I suppose. I’m sure Kaidan will thank you in advance.”

“Heartrate elevated higher than normal, blood pressure a little low. I’ll be sure to send him a note about our little meeting, we both know how much he worries about you. Especially now that he’s no longer aboard.”

“You’re right about that. He messages me about eight times a day, mostly just to ask if I’m eating.”

“That does sound like Kaidan. _Are_ you eating, by the way?” Chakwas turned her attention to her stethoscope, one ear towards her and the other listening intently. “Some deep breaths now, Shepard, if you will.”

“I’m eating.” Breathe in, breathe out. “Not as much as I’m sure you both would like, but military rations have never failed me yet.” Breathe in, breathe out.

“Right. Remind me to put a request in for more vegetable-based protein bars now that Kaidan is gone, I’m sure you’ll be mineral-deficient soon enough without his lovely cooking talents. How are you sleeping, Commander? Any mood changes?”

“Haven’t slept well the past few nights. Mood seems fine, but I’m a little more tired than normal. I just assume it’s because I’m fighting something off. But between the tiredness and the occasional nausea, I feel normal as ever.” Shepard winced slightly as Chakwas nodded, jamming a short needle into her arm for a brief blood sample.

“I’ll check your white blood cell count to make sure. Now, if you wouldn’t mind.” Chakwas handed her a sealed cup, to which Shepard raised an eyebrow.

“Really, doc?”

“Really really.” Chakwas pointed to the infirmary door, a wicked smile on her face. “Go on now, bring it back to me as quickly as you can please. I’ll look over your blood cells while I wait.”

She sighed, scooting off the seat in defeat. Even Commander Shepard was not immune to a urine sample, she mused. Her trip to the women’s washroom and back was brief, and Chakwas already had her eyes whizzing across the monitor upon her return.

“Thank you, Shepard. Hand it over, if you will.” Shepard placed the cup gingerly in her outstretched palm, Chakwas’ eyes never leaving the screen, brows furrowed in concentration. “Hmm. It’s a bit odd. Your white blood cell count is higher than normal, but I don’t detect any common viral or bacterial strains present.”

“So, no flu?” She questioned, mildly concerned.

“Not as far as I’m aware, no. Hang on just one moment. I know it seems crude, but oftentimes it’s the urine that can help best identify what’s going on.” Chakwas tore her eyes away, fitting the sample into a device that encased it within. “No need for concern yet, Commander. I’ll figure it out.”

“I’m never concerned when you’re the one taking care of me, Doctor.”

“Good to hear. You’re right in feeling that way, if I say so myself.” There was a whirring noise, and data readings began littering the output screen. Suddenly, Chakwas eyebrows disappeared into her hairline, a look of shock on her face. “Huh.”

“Huh?” Shepard repeated, eyeing the screen curiously. It was nothing more than medical jargon to her, though to Chakwas it clearly interpreted as something else entirely.

“Well, I’ve figured it out. There is definitely no cause for concern, Shepard. But – you may want to sit down for this one.” Chakwas turned, smiling at her in a way that Shepard had never seen before. Chakwas ran a hand over her face, a look of mild disbelief on her face.

“What, uh…what is it? So I’m alright?”

“Oh, you’re more than alright. But I’m afraid I’ll have to do more than order extra protein bar rations. I’m going to have to put you on a special diet altogether.” Chakwas exhaled, emitting a small chuckle of delight. “Shepard, you’re _pregnant_.”

She was stunned. For a brief moment, the words didn’t process. “I’m what?”

“ _Pregnant_ , Shepard. You’re going to have a baby. I’ll have to run a quick ultrasound to get a better idea of how far along, but based on your white blood cell count I would estimate you at about seven weeks or so.” Chakwas smiled broadly then, a look of pride in her eyes. “I can think of no better parents than you and Kaidan, Jane. This is incredibly exciting.”

“I, but…I mean, I can’t be. We thought…well, we thought it wasn’t even possible. Just, given my history and everything.” Chakwas eyed her quizzically, as though asking her to elaborate.

“Well, I’ve never explicitly _asked_ , Shepard, but are you using any form of birth control?”

“Well, no. I mean, we’ve thought about it. But we tried for awhile and nothing happened. I mean, we just figured that if it was going to happen, it would happen. But nothing ever did.” Shepard drew her eyes downward, a soft frown on her face. “Like I said, I just thought after everything…I _died_ , Karin. And with all of those cybernetic implants put into me by Cerberus, not to mention the months I spent in hospital after I blew the catalyst…I don’t even get a normal menstrual cycle all that often. Like I said, I just assumed…well, that I couldn’t _get_ pregnant, not after all the trauma my body has been through.”

“You’ve never asked me to examine your fertility, Shepard. I didn’t even know you and Kaidan were planning on having a family. I would have happily looked into that for you, for both of you. I still can.” Chakwas said gently, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I realize our typical doctor-patient relationship centered more on the goal of keeping you alive, but times have changed, thanks to you. Are you alright? Is this something that you wanted?”

“I _think_ so.” She sighed, feeling suddenly very overwhelmed. “I’m honestly not sure. It’s been years, Doctor. I’m…I’m forty-three years old. We stopped actively trying a long time ago. We both just accepted that it probably wasn’t going to happen. And now…I honestly don’t know what to make of this.”

“I think,” Chakwas said gently, “that you start by talking to Kaidan. I for one think he will be ecstatic at the news.”

Shepard smiled at that. _Kaidan_. He’d be overjoyed. It was her that would need the settling in, the getting used to. “He will be. But…damnit, his department, Karin. He just started with his new division. How are we going to have time for a baby?”

“You’ll make the time, Shepard. You deserve this. Kaidan deserves this. This is what you two fought so hard to achieve – a _future_. It’s about time you reaped the benefits.”

“Hmm.” She paused. A baby, a new life, growing within her. She frowned disconcertedly, at a loss of what to do with herself. She was a marine. She knew how to take life, how to command orders, how to execute a squad perfectly to ensure success. But giving life? This task seemed monumentally more difficult than all the unexpected events previously thrust her way.

“I think I’ll take you up on that ultrasound, Doctor. I’d like to know that this baby is doing okay. And I think I’m really going to need your help with this – I barely know how to feed _myself_ , let alone another person.”

Chakwas laughed loudly at that, shaking her head. “I second that, Shepard. I’ll tell you what. You go speak to Kaidan, and I’ll put together a rudimentary diet plan for you. I promise we can do an ultrasound when you get back.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” She slid off the exam table, still feeling rather wobbly at the news.

“You’re most welcome, Shepard. I’d offer a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy in celebration, but I’m afraid I can’t prescribe that in your current state. So instead, I’ll offer you a heartfelt congratulations. You and Kaidan both.”

“That means a lot to me. Truly, Karin.”

Chakwas smiled, her eyes crinkling. “See you soon, Shepard. I demand to know all the details of when you share the news – I can picture the look on his face already.”

/////

She made her way up to her cabin feeling as though in a daze. Absently, as she jammed the elevator for her floor, she sent a quick omni-tool message to Kaidan.

JShepard: _Do you have a few minutes to chat?_

EDI’s calm voice welcomed her as the elevator floor settled. _“Are you alright, Shepard? I am detecting a higher than average heart rate from you, indicating increased amounts of stress.”_

“I’m fine EDI, thank you.” She wearily replied. If only EDI knew, although the news would inevitably have to break sooner than later. She ran fingers across her stomach absently. Her lean frame wouldn’t hide much for long. “Can you set my status to privacy mode? You can redirect any urgent messages through to my omni-tool.”

_“Of course, Shepard. Would you like me to excuse Major Alenko from privacy mode?”_

The doors to her cabin slid open, the comforting bluish haze of her fish tank a welcoming sight. “Always, EDI. Thank you.”

_“Logging you out, Shepard.”_ EDI's voice cut out, and she was met with the silent sanctity of her cabin. Of _their_ cabin, more accurately. It had been a long time since this room had belonged just to her, and the signs of the other occupant were everywhere, from his spare BDU’s folded haphazardly on the couch to the holo-image of her that he still kept on his side of the bed.

It was from the night of their wedding. It was an absent shot that Tali had taken purely by accident, but one that Kaidan had fallen in love with immediately. His back was to the camera, blocking a good portion of the photo, but her face was visible just over his shoulder. She was laughing at something he had said, gazing at him with a look of pure happiness on her face. She often caught him gazing at it, always to the same reply.

_“You always look happiest when you’re looking at me, Jane. I never want to take that reality for granted. I’m a lucky man.”_

Her omni-tool pinged, and she eagerly glanced for his response.

KAlenko: _I always have time for you. I’m just finishing a meeting, but will back to my room soon. How do you want me to reach you?_

She typed out a hasty response, a sense of urgency suddenly grasping at her.

JShepard: _Call me on our bedroom terminal via vid-com. I’ll be ready._

The minutes dragged slowly. Her heart was pounding in her ears, and her palms felt shaky. She was nervous. Not that he wouldn’t be happy; she knew he would be thrilled. But for these last few moments, the secret was hers alone.

Once he knew, it would all become real. It was an overwhelming thought.

She splashed some cold water over her face, patting it dry and arranging her shock of red hair. Slipping out of her BDU’s, she threw on an old Alliance t-shirt of his, basking in his comforting smell. Her terminal lit up, the familiar ring hitting her ears.

She settled into the seat, accepting the incoming vid-com request from one Major Kaidan Alenko.

His face came into vision, as clear as though he were sitting across from her. He was so handsome she wanted to reach out and touch him. Instead, she settled for smiling eagerly instead, her fears dissipating at the sight of him. He always did have that effect on her.

“Hey there.” His familiar greeting spoke to her, the sound of his husky voice causing a shiver down her spine. His eyes were warm and relaxed, a sign he was as happy to see her as she was to see him.

“Hey yourself.”

“It’s good to see you. I miss you.” He spoke honestly, a wistful smile on his face.

“I miss you, too.”

“How are you doing? Feeling any better? I know you like to act like the tough Commander Shepard, but to me you’re just Jane. You can be honest with me.” He chastised lightly. 

She grinned in response.

“I know. I’m alright. I’m more than alright, actually. Thanks for making the time for me. I really need to talk with you about something.”

Her tone was light, so he didn’t look worried, merely curious. “Glad to hear it. And, you know I’ll always make time for you. What’s going on?”

“I…honestly Kaidan, I don’t know how to even begin to say this. I’m in a little over my head at the moment.”

“Are the supplies in the Silean Nebula not there yet? I sent the requisition order over weeks ago.” He furrowed his brow, the innocent gesture causing a stir in her chest. “Those turian traders promised they’d be there, we had a verbal contract.”

“No Kaidan, nothing like that. The supplies are fine, the mission is fine.” She smiled brightly then, overwhelmed with unexpected emotion. God, he was going to be so happy. She felt her eyes water in anticipation, suddenly eager to celebrate this with him, this life growing inside of her. It was their own little future, the future they thought they’d never have.

“Oh. Okay, good. I told them I wouldn’t be there, but they knew to expect you, but I still just wasn’t quite sure if they –”

“Kaidan, I’m pregnant.”

Her words sent a shock through him over the vid-com. He twitched visibly, then stood stock-still, a bewildered expression flashing over his face.

“I, we…wait, what?”

“I’m pregnant. Or, rather, we are pregnant. It’s still very early, but…Doctor Chakwas just confirmed it.”

He was stunned. His eyebrows rose up in surprise, his mouth slightly ajar as he processed her words.

“Pregnant? You mean, us? We’re going to have a _baby_?”

“We’re going to have a baby.”

“You’re serious.”

“Dead serious.”

He was silent, staring at her in shock. Suddenly, he closed his eyes, taking a sharp breath. He pinched the bridge of his nose as a sudden, glorious smile overtook his face. When he opened his gaze to look at her, it was to the sight of his eyes filled with tears.

“…I’m going to be a dad, Shepard?” His voice cracked slightly as he spoke, hopeful in its deliverance, and she couldn’t help the tear that fell down her cheek. Her face began to hurt with the delirious grin that had overtaken her features.

“You’re going to be a dad, Kaidan.” Her own voice came out oddly strangled, and a sudden laughter bubbled out of her as more tears rolled down her cheeks.

He cried right back, smiling goofily at her. They stayed like that for several moments, both speechless, just taking in the other’s giggly happiness.

“God, I love you. I have to come see you, see _both_ of you. I’ll take a shuttle out tomorrow, I can be there by tomorrow night.” He said huskily, his eyes alight with mirth.

“But Kaidan, your classes. I’ll be fine, we can wait for the weekend –”

“Forget my classes, Jane. You are the most important thing in the world to me. I want to be there, I need to be there. They can handle a few days without me. Right now, I need to see my wife. My beautiful, perfect, pregnant wife.”

She smiled brightly, laughing again at her delirious happiness. His eagerness was contagious. “I love you, Kaidan. I won’t lie, I’m…a little scared. I’ll feel better once you’re here.”

“I love you, too. Consider me already on my way.”

/////

He arrived at precisely 1800 hours the next day. He never saw the dutiful salutes, didn’t notice the respectful chorus of “hello, sir” from the control crew, failed to acknowledge Joker’s inappropriate musings for his unanticipated arrival. Instead, he walked straight through the CIC and headed for home.

She welcomed him with open arms, laughing at the happy tears already rolling down his face as he picked her up in excitement. He spun her in circles around their room, kissing her on any place he could reach; her neck, her face, her ears, her hair, her lips.

She felt her heart grow full when he laid her down to touch her belly softly, kissing it with reverence. He took her breath away when he looked at her, his brown eyes full of love and hope and excitement.

He made love to her, gently, telling her over and over how much he loved her, how he was the luckiest man alive, how she was going to make him a _father_.

She was quite certain that this was the happiest day of her life.


	15. Entry 37: Spectre Duties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2195  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“You’re damn right, Vakarian. Now, let’s go see what we can do about getting the damn Citadel out of my planet’s orbit. It’s seriously taking a toll on our tidal systems.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

“Well, well, well. Fancy meeting you two here. Must be nice, being married to a fellow Spectre. I keep trying to convince the quarians to get on board with joining the Citadel races, but they’re stubbornly more interested in repairing relays back to Rannoch.”

They were at Alliance headquarters, enjoying an annual summit meeting with the council’s best and brightest. With the Citadel still floating in orbit around Earth’s atmosphere, Vancouver had turned into a hub of council activity over the years, with council races prioritizing relay reconstruction back to their respective homeworlds over figuring out just what the hell they wanted to do with the enormous space station still orbiting obtrusively.

They were meeting today, _finally_ , to figure that particular plan out.

“Spectre Vakarian. We thought we might see you here.” Shepard smiled brightly, pulling the taller turian into her arms for a hug. It was a gesture he returned easily, his chuckle flanging in her ears.

“Yes, as though seeing me on vid-com every week wasn’t enough, I thought it was overdue for us to actually meet in person again.” He teased, the blue in his eyes flashing. “Where’s Kaidan?”

“He’s here. Somewhere in the back, got caught up talking with Admiral Hackett. They’re always busy discussing his new department.” She gestured over her shoulder, and Garrus peered over curiously.

“Oh, now, that’s right. What’s he running again? A school for human biotics?”

“That’s right. Officially, it’s the Human Biotics Academy. Two major divisions; one for Alliance-based special operations training, the other an education-based division focused on teaching basic livability for young new biotics.” She said with a smile, a hint of pride in her voice. 

“Damn. Impressive. I bet he’s more than eager to make sure these kids have a positive experience, in lieu of his BAaT days.” Garrus said softly, raising a brow. 

She nodded, humming in agreement. “That’s right. He’s thrilled, to say the least. Full communication with the families, they have full extranet and vid-com access, they spend their weekends at home if they want to – it’s been running for a few months now, and he’s gotten amazing feedback. There’s been a lot of new cases, after the war and all. A lot of eezo exposure. The kids are starting to view biotics as ‘ _cool_ ’ rather than ‘ _scary_ ’ – I’m proud of him.”

“You humans needed a place like that. Turn it less like a nightmare and more like a dream – damned if a day didn’t go by where I wish more turians had capabilities like that.” Garrus paused, looking suddenly alarmed. “Just, don’t tell him I said that. He’ll never let me live that down.”

“Your secret is safe with me, Vakarian.” She said teasingly.

“What about Grissom?” He asked, curious. Shepard shrugged.

“Well, that’s just it. With no access to Grissom yet, they’ve merged their interests with the Alliance directly. Kahlee Sanders handles the education division, Kaidan runs special operations. Believe it or not, Jack will be starting up with her old students out of his new department, too.”

“No shit.”

“Yeah, Kaidan didn’t quite know how to handle her at first, but I think he’s getting the hang of it.” 

“I don’t blame him. Jack isn’t exactly the person anyone can train to handle for.” Garrus chuckled, gazing at her inquisitively. “What about your Spectre duties, Shepard? Or is that – wait, what’s that Earth saying I heard James say the other day? Something about an ‘ _old hat_ ’?”

“Back in action, busy as ever. But you know me, I’m always able to find a way to fit it all in.” She said, smirking. “I’m surprised James still has time to chat. I’ve been running my N7’s around the clock helping resettle old Council colonies.”

“Well, ‘chat’ is a little optimistic, Shepard. It’s more of a, ‘calling to complain about his ass being ridden to the ground by his oppressive red-headed leader’ sort of a talk.” Garrus cajoled, and she laughed loudly at that.

“I don’t doubt it. What about you, Garrus? How’s Tali?”

“Tali is wonderful, although I admit I do miss her. We fly out to see each other as often as we can. She hasn’t left the relay support teams in months. Those quarians, though – they’ve managed to piece together four relays in six months. Its beyond impressive.”

“Destined to get home to Rannoch, huh.”

“Can you blame them? They finally get their planet back, and half of them end up stranded in the damn sol system.” He shook his head, smiling. “It was an incredible feeling, going back to Palaven. To start rebuilding. I’m eager to help Tali do the same on her home, too.”

“Have you taken her home, yet?”

“Took her home, and she even breathed in real Palaven air, too.” His eyes lit up at that, and Shepard couldn’t help but smile brightly at the thought.

“No mask?”

“No mask. Although, not for very long, and in a shaded area so the UV didn’t damage her sensitive skin. But she barely got sick after that, just a minor cough for a few days. That was a sight I didn’t think I’d ever get to see – my beautiful quarian lady, standing in the ashes of my hometown, and still willing to stick around with my scarred-up self.” He sighed, speaking his next words quietly. “I never thought I’d be so lucky.”

“You deserve it. And for the record, she’s lucky to have you. Scarred face and all.” She teased, shoving into his shoulder playfully.

“Yeah, yeah. I guess I’ll have to take your word for it. I still think I’m the luckiest turian bastard alive, though.” He looked around then, as though searching for someone. “Say, what are the chances that they’re serving brandy here? Particularly of the dextro-variety?”

“I’d say, slim to none my friend.” Shepard smiled, pulling a flask from her pocket discretely. “So it’s a good thing you’re friends with me. I’ve got you covered.”

His eyes widened at that, before breaking out into an easy chuckle. He grasped the bottle eagerly, tucking it into his pocket slyly.

“I knew I was best friends with you for a reason.”

“You’re damn right, Vakarian. Now, let’s go see what we can do about getting the damn Citadel out of my planet’s orbit. It’s seriously taking a toll on our tidal systems.”

“Just be grateful that tide systems are your biggest concern, these days.”

She laughed, glancing around the crowded hall for her husband, eager to get proceedings underway.

/////

“So.” Kaidan said, sidling up to lean on the rail beside her. “How’s your evening going, Spectre Shepard?”

“Fantastic, Spectre Alenko. Made significantly better by your presence, by the way. Will Sanders or Hackett ever give you a moment of time to spend with your wife?” She teased, tapping his beer bottle in cheers before taking a sip.

“Uh, yeah, no. Never. The three of us together in the same room is always cause for an information hurricane. I barely escaped as it was. Told them I had to use the washroom.” He winked at her, taking a sip himself. 

“How very devilish of you.”

“Hey, if I can’t put my Spectre status to good use – such as sneaking away to spend time with my wife – then what the hell good is it for, anyway?” He said huskily, chuckling. “Nah, but, it’s good. We’ve got a lot of plans in motion. Once the new semester is underway, I’ll be able to join you on the Normandy again. I hear we’re heading out to the Nubian Expanse?”

“Every council race has reached their homeworld. The council finally agreed to extend resources to help the quarians reach theirs. With some cajoling by myself and Garrus, of course.” She smirked, continuing. “We couldn’t have won this war without them. They deserve to make it home just like everybody else, other side of the galaxy or not.”

“I agree. Does that mean Garrus will be joining us?” He asked, eyes alight. 

“It does. On a turian vessel, of course, but something tells me he’ll find a way to hop aboard for some long-awaited calibrating.” She smiled at the excited look on Kaidan’s face at that. “I also may have asked a certain, ah, N7 to join us. Thought it was overdue to have James aboard the Normandy again.”

“Cortez, too?” His voice sounded hopeful, and she couldn’t help but laugh.

“I already sent him a request, saying we’re in need of a shuttle operator.” She chuckled, shaking her head. “Most of the colonies have been sent first aid provisions, and there’s a lot of pirates raiding abandoned systems in the far end of the traverse. Didn’t seem too out of place to request the aid of an N7.”

“Ah, you just want to see me lose my shirt to him in poker. Don’t even try to get out of this one.”

“Maybe.” She laughed, winking at him playfully. “You sure you’ll have time to come out? It’ll be months before we reach Rannoch. Tali tells me they’re getting very good at piecing these relays back together, but it still takes time. What about your students?”

“My students will be fine. I admit, I won’t be around all the time.” He sighed, but happily so, tugging at the label on his beer absently. “But I want to be there. I’ll make the time, Shepard. It’s no bother. I’ll be going back and forth a lot, but I spoke to Hackett about it. Spectre perks – acting for the betterment of the _entire_ galaxy, not just humans. I’d like to think that if we can pull off getting the quarians home – well, maybe there’s a chance we can get them a seat on the council. They’re long overdue.”

“I agree.” She said, nodding. “Then, you know I’m more than happy to have you aboard. And here I was, worried I wouldn’t get to see you for a few months.”

“I told you. That’s never going to happen again. A few days, maybe. But that’s all the distance you’ll get from me in this life going forward, Jane.” He said solemnly, his eyes piercing at her. He reached a hand out, pressing into her chest near her sternum, feeling for the metal there.

Two tags, pressing into her skin. Just like she knew would be pressing into his, too.

“That, and the occasional avoidance at Alliance parties.” She said back, smiling. 

“Well, now, _that_ I do apologize for. I don’t think that will be ending anytime soon.” He grinned at her, looking over her shoulder bemusedly. “I think I’ve been had, Shepard. Looks like I’ll have to head back out again. Have an entire school year to organize, after all.”

“Hop to it, Professor Alenko.” She said crisply, saluting cheekily. Chuckling, he pulled her in to kiss her chastely on the cheek.

“I’ll make it up to you later, my beautiful wife.” He said huskily in her ear, sending a warm tingle down her spine.

“I’m holding you to that, husband.” She watched him disappear into the crowd, shaking her head with a smile. 

It was time to bring Tali back home.


	16. Entry 36: [E] The Setting Vancouver Sun And A White Dress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2190  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“I guess I just…I always imagined you in a white dress. That’s all. Nothing fancier than that. Just the woman I love in a beautiful white dress. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but…that always seemed perfect to me.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: explicit sexual content]

She had deliberated, hard, on what to wear today.

Her life had never really offered her the same daydreams of other young girls growing up; instead of fantasizing about the man of her dreams and flowers and white princess dresses, Jane had spent the vast majority of her adolescence just trying to find the necessities.

Food. A roof over her head. Clothes that fit. Life on the streets wasn’t exactly a cakewalk.

At eighteen, her new life in the military hadn’t exactly encouraged those thoughts either, turning her into a battle-hardened marine instead of a romantic. Romance, in general, was never something she was all too good at.

Honesty, however – she was really quite good at being honest. Luckily for her, that had always been enough for Kaidan. He’d always been more content to take the reins when it came to romance, anyway – he was much better at discussing his feelings, never leaving her doubting how he cared for her.

She just tried her best to be honest, to show him through her actions that those feelings were reciprocated.

But then, quite suddenly, she was thrust into a situation that she could honestly say she had never seriously considered. That she had a man who loved her, enough to want to _marry_ her, and she was forced to begin thinking about things that, at thirty-six, seemed a little late to the game.

Like what she even wanted to wear on her wedding day.

A large part of her had wanted to simply wear her Alliance formal-wear. They were both marines after all, it was efficient, and she cared less about the display and more about the meaning behind it, anyway.

To her confusion, however, Kaidan had been rather surprised when she’d mentioned it. Hurt, almost.

_“Did I say something wrong?” She’d asked, brow furrowed in confusion. He’d considered her, pausing to mull over his words carefully._

_“No, nothing wrong. It makes sense. I guess I just…well.” He’d looked at her, a sad sort of smile on his face. “I guess I just always pictured this day a little differently.”_

_“You’ve pictured your own wedding day?”_

_“Well, yeah. Of course. Not anything super detailed, you know, but I just always thought, one day, when I met someone that I really loved…” He’d shrugged. “I guess it doesn’t matter. All that really matters is that I have that person. I get to marry you, and that’s more than enough for me.”_

_“I always knew you were a romantic.” She’d teased, shoving his shoulder playfully while he chuckled. “Well, if I’ve never pictured this day, but you have…I think we should make it the way you always wanted it.”_

_“It’s nothing elaborate, Shepard.” He’d mumbled bashfully, an adorable red flush staining his cheeks._

_“I know. But there must have been something you wanted, something you envisioned. If it would make you happy, then I’m happy to do it.”_

_“I guess I just…I always imagined you in a white dress.” He’d said simply, a little ruefully. “That’s all. Nothing fancier than that. Just the woman I love in a beautiful white dress. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but…that always seemed perfect to me.”_

Which is how she ended up here, standing in their cabin, staring at her reflection with uncertainty.

She was a woman, after all; she was used to dresses and the occasional heels. But Kaidan had been right. The white was…something shocking, so clean and fresh against her skin. She realized that she rarely wore white, and it gave her the impression almost as though she were staring at someone other than herself.

She felt brand new, wholly unprepared for the feminine quality this color bestowed upon her.

The dress was simple, practical – she was still Jane Shepard, after all, and Jane Shepard was always practical – but elegant, the smooth lines hugging her curves and flaring out gently to the floor. The crisp white complimented the creamy paleness of her skin, highlighting the dusting of freckles that sprinkled her shoulders and across her nose. She’d twisted her hair back, had Tali help her pin it into something softer and more beautiful than she was ever able to accomplish on her own. She felt renewed, soft and girly and all the things that people would never normally associate with her.

She admitted to herself that it felt nice. She felt like Jane, not a Commander or a Captain or a soldier. Just Jane.

Kaidan always had a way of making her feel that way.

“So, remind me again of how this Earth custom works. I’m supposed to walk you somewhere?” Garrus’ voice interrupted her thoughts suddenly, his tall frame entering her cabin casually, his talons smoothing out his turian formal wear distractedly. “You know, on Palaven, when a couple gets married we –”

His voice cut off, his hands pausing as they fiddled with a button. He spotted her from the doorway of her bathroom, blue eyes gazing at her softly.

“ _Wow_.”

She smirked, suddenly feeling a little embarrassed. “That’s all I get, just a ‘wow’?”

“Hey now, that was a multi-faceted ‘wow’, I’ll have you know.” His confident banter returned, mandibles flaring in jest. “ _Wow_ as in, I’m not used to seeing you not covered in blood. _Wow_ as in, you look a lot smaller when you don’t have three different assault rifles loaded over your back. _Wow_ as in…my best friend looks incredibly beautiful.” He paused, a sudden smirk making an appearance. “I think Kaidan might have a heart attack.”

She laughed at that, an appreciative smile gracing her lips. “Thanks, Garrus. That means a lot to me. And it means a lot to me that you’re here, too; weird human custom and all.”

“After being forced to make peace with the vast amount of other unusual human customs I’ve encountered over the years, I admit this one seems relatively harmless, even if I don’t really understand it.”

“On Earth, traditionally the father would walk his daughter to her new husband.” She reached out to fiddle with the buttons on his suit, absently wondering not for the first time why a race with talons insisted on formalwear that had buttons. “It was initially meant as an exchange of property, from one man to another – women weren’t offered a lot of freedom in societies until many centuries later. But as time went on, and women became equals, the tradition just sort of…stuck.”

“And since you don’t have a father…” He said knowingly, and she nodded.

“I thought there would be no one I’d love more than my best friend to take his place instead.” She clipped his last button into place, smiling contentedly up at him. He grinned back, placing a hand on her shoulder warmly.

“I’m honored, Shepard.”

Hey eyes filled with tears suddenly, unexpectedly – she pulled Garrus in for a quick hug, burying her face into his shoulder to hide it. Maybe he already knew, however; he brought his hands up soothingly, wrapping her up tightly.

“Thanks, Garrus.”

“Hey, there’s no Shepard without Vakarian, after all.” He paused again, and she smirked into his shoulder when she felt his head tilt in a familiar ponderous expression. “Wait, there’s that other Earth custom you women do. I’m not going to have to start calling you ‘ _Alenko_ ’, am I?”

She laughed into his arm, pulling back with a grateful grin. “Don’t worry, Garrus. My name is staying just the way it is.”

“Thank god. Can you imagine how terribly confusing that would be in battle? After all this time, and I’d meet an untimely death because we had to rely on _Kaidan_ for a headshot and _you_ on a shield overload.”

She laughed all the way down to the decon bay.

/////

It was a perfect Vancouver day, he thought to himself.

There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, the sun was beginning to set in the distance, and there was a faint ocean breeze from the soft wind that spun up over Bowen Island. Then again, he mused, it was likely that he was biased in his opinion. The fact that Jane been content to marry at all had surprised him in and of itself, but her insistence of having all of their friends join them – well, it just made the day all the more perfect.

He’d initially asked her in a moment of desperation, he knew. The chance that the Reapers would win had been devastatingly high and he’d just wanted to let her know of his intentions. Their victory had resulted in a flurry of reparation orders, their lives as busy and chaotic as ever, but full of optimism and hope rather than destitution and despair.

He’d reminded her years later, almost jokingly, one morning while she made them coffee in the mess hall, and had been more than pleasantly surprised at her response.

_“What took you so long, Alenko?” She’d said, stirring extra sugar into his cup. “Let me guess: You always have to leave yourself a way out. Well, there’s no getting out of this one. Looks like you’re stuck with me. Let’s pick a date and make it happen.”_

He smiled brightly at the memory.

And now here he was, overlooking Vancouver, surrounded by the familiar scent of fir trees and the Pacific Ocean, standing in a suit and waiting to marry Jane. It all felt a little surreal, like a future he’d always dreamt of but never thought they would actually have.

“You look so handsome.” His mother’s voice rang in his ears, shaking him from his reverie. He tore his eyes from the Normandy, which had been parked perfectly by Joker right along the coastline, meeting her gaze warmly.

“Thanks, mom.” He smiled down at her, closing his eyes with an affectionate chuckle as she smoothed out the shoulders of his suit for the dozenth time. “You look beautiful too, you know.”

“Ah, well, you had to get your looks from someone.” She waved at him nonchalantly, gripping his arms and staring at his attire with freshly-dusted satisfaction. “Just wait until you see Jane.”

“Something tells me you managed to get an early preview.” He asked wryly, and she laughed. She had the same laugh as him, throaty and warm. Her dark hair, just beginning to gray, fluttered softly in the breeze.

“I may have convinced your friend Garrus to let me have a sneak peek. She _is_ going to be my only daughter-in-law, you know.” She sucked in a sharp breath, closing her eyes with a smile. “I’ve waited a long time for this.”

“I’m so happy you’re here.” He said firmly, pulling her into an embrace. “So happy you made it. _We_ made it. I…I’ve always wanted to share this day with you.”

“I wish…well. You know.” She sniffled softly into the crook of his shoulder, pulling back with watery eyes. “He would have loved her. She’s…she’s amazing, Kaidan. I’m so proud of you.”

“Yeah, he would have.” He paused, thinking of his father with a pained feeling that would never quite fade completely. “He would have loved that I found a woman with a better shot than me.”

“Not to mention one that could bring you out of your shell, too. I know you can be…cautious, overly so. I understand why, after everything that’s happened to you.” She paused, remembering. “When your father and I found out…well. I’m just happy you have someone to remind you that it’s okay to live a little, too.”

“Yeah. I need that. Something tells me saving the galaxy may have been a resume a bit more intense than even he expected, but, ah, it’s certainly exciting enough.”

His mother laughed warmly, closing her eyes and breathing in the crisp air. “It’s about time. I’ll go take my seat. That handsome soldier friend of yours, James, has been very curious to hear stories of you as a teenager.”

“Oh, god, mom, of course he has.” He snorted, looking over his soldier to see Vega chatting happily with Cortez. “You, just…keep it tame, alright? I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Of course, dear.” She patted his cheek, bringing her face up to place a gentle kiss. “You look so much like your father. So handsome. And I know you’re as smart, as _kind_ , as he was. She’s a very lucky woman.”

Her eyes, the same color as his, shone brightly. He nodded in return. “I’m the lucky one. But thanks, mom. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She turned, and he couldn’t help but smile when Vega called her over eagerly, pulling her into a one-armed hug.

“Are you ready to begin?” A soft voice came from behind him, and he turned to face its owner. Liara looked beautiful – well, he supposed, she always did – but today particularly so. She had worn green for the occasion (Shepard’s favorite color – Liara had insisted), the light color complementing her blue skin.

“Yeah. Thanks for doing this, Liara. It means a lot to me. To both of us.”

Behind her, the sun was almost hitting the horizon. A faint goldish glow was beginning to cast on the water, making the air sparkle. She smiled warmly. “Kaidan, this is an incredible honor. I can’t think of any place I would rather be than right here.”

He smiled back, reaching out to grasp her hand softly. “Then let’s begin.”

Liara gripped his hand back gently before waving at someone over his shoulder, and he quickly positioned himself. It was nothing formal, just as they had both wanted – there was a path, soft dirt, from the Normandy cockpit door up to the shiny black shoes of his over-dressed feet. His suit was smooth black, the traditional white collared shirt contrasting with his olive skin. Tali had outdone herself – it was just a small clearing, but she’d set up just enough chairs and strung just enough lights up throughout the trees.

Around him, everyone else took their place. Joker had corralled everyone to gather around, and they complied eagerly in a makeshift semi-circle around him. In front of them all, Liara took her seat – she sat quietly, her fingers skimming over the keys before she broke into a soft piece as Glyph hovered quietly over her shoulder. It had taken some convincing on their part to have her play in front of a crowd – no matter how small – but Shepard had insisted.

He looked out at the small sea of faces before him. All familiar, all intimate – the people they knew and trusted best. When the war had ended, as the relays were slowly repaired, many of them had gone their different ways. But they were all here today, having gathered together just for them. It was a thought that made his throat catch.

Once Liara started her melodic soliloquy, all of their eyes were rapt on her.

Joker, in a suit but still wearing his SR-2 hat, holding hands with EDI, who had worn a sundress for the occasion.

Tali, breathing in the Pacific air curiously, her hair billowing around her. She had spent weeks taking the antibiotics necessary to have her mask off for this day – while her immunity had gotten substantially better, it wasn’t perfect. But she had insisted.

James, sitting next to his mother, who was laughing at something he’d whispered to her. Steve rolled his eyes beside him, looking particularly dapper in a sharp grey suit.

Wrex and Grunt stood eagerly in the back, both in their Krogan best, much to his surprise. They, too, were oddly silent, watching Liara play respectfully.

Jack, not in a dress (never in a dress, he imagined), but opting for a feminine lipstick in occasion, her pet varren sitting calmly beside her. Samantha sat a few feet away, eyeing the animal warily, but looking polished as always.

Miranda and Jacob, stopping their conversation to gaze out at the Normandy, their skin swathed in setting sunlight.

Kasumi had let her hood down for the day, still dressed in black but letting her hair swirl around her in the breeze, her lips turned up in a silent smile. A dog-eared book sat in her lap while she chatted quietly with a teary-eyed Chakwas.

Samara had even shown up, ever in her Justicar attire, sitting attentively with a curious, wistful smile.

His gaze was averted when the familiar sound of the Normandy decon bay doors opening captured his attention. Liara continued to play behind him, and their small crowd all turned in their seats to watch the awaited arrivals eagerly. The sun caught behind the Normandy, casting a brilliant glare off the hull; for a moment all they could see were two familiar outlines stepping slowly down onto the sand.

When she stepped into the sunlight, he felt his breath catch. Behind him, Liara’s piece faltered for the briefest of moments.

She was beautiful. Stunning, _radiant_ , her creamy skin an elegant contrast to the soft white fabric clinging to her frame.

She’d worn a white dress.

He tried not to let his eyes fill with tears when he met her gaze, but he couldn’t help the smile that overtook his cheeks. She smiled right back, hand gripped tightly in Garrus’ arm as they walked slowly up to him.

Nothing formal, nothing fancy. Just them, their closest friends, the setting Vancouver sun, and a white dress. It was everything he’d ever wanted and more.

/////

“You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. How is it even possible…that I get to call you mine.” Kaidan whispered throatily into her ear, causing her to smile.

They were standing on their balcony, having slipped away from the festivities relatively early in the evening. Cortez had agreed long ago to help slip them away – as happy, as _excited_ as they were to celebrate the day’s festivities, they were eager to spend it alone, too. To relish in each other’s company, relax in one another’s arms, and soak up this new moment in their relationship to one another. 

“Congratulations, you two. Enjoy your evening as newlyweds.” Steve had teased, saluting them crisply from the Kodiak, a gesture they had returned eagerly when he’d deposited them directly onto their balcony.

The perks of living in the penthouse, Shepard had muttered to him wryly, to which he had chuckled conspiratorially while more than one window below had pairs of eyes pulling the curtains back curiously at their unorthodox arrival.

Slipping his suit jacket off and wrapping it over her shoulders, he had gone inside to grab them each a celebratory beer. Which brought them to where they were now – on the rooftop, gazing out at English Bay, their fingers entwined as they slouched over their railing.

“I could say the same about you. If someone had told me, years ago, that I’d be marrying the most handsome marine in all the Alliance military – well, I’d have laughed them right out of the room.” She smiled, her green eyes twinkling. “I never imagined the awkward street kid that I was could have found my best friend in all of this, and had him fall in love with me, too.”

“Well, I don’t know about the _most_ handsome – but I’m glad you think so.” He mumbled into her cheek, kissing her freckles softly. She sighed happily, resting her weight onto him. “Thank you, Jane.”

“For what?” She said, closing her eyes as he pressed another light kiss to her skin. He cradled her smaller hand in his, twisting the metal band around her finger thoughtfully. It matched his own, and the smooth metal collided over their twisting fingers. It was an unusual feeling, but one he welcomed.

“For everything. For flirting with me on the SR-1.” She chuckled at that, making him smirk before he continued. “For being patient with me. For coming back to me.” He sighed at that, squeezing her a little tighter in his arms. “For agreeing to be my wife.”

“You hardly had to ask. I was always going to say yes. There’s – there’s never been anyone else but you, Kaidan.” She spoke quietly. “You helped me through more than you can imagine, whether in person or otherwise. You gave me something to fight for, someone to come back to.” 

He closed his eyes, smiling into her hair at her words. “Thank you for wearing a white dress.”

She laughed, turning her head to capture his lips in a soft kiss. “Thank you for convincing me. I – I never imagined I’d wear anything like this. It honestly never crossed my mind that I’d ever have the occasion to, or that I’d meet anyone who’d care enough whether I did.”

“That makes it all the more special. My Jane, all wrapped in white, a gift just for me. It’s almost as good a gift as getting to call you my wife from now on.”

She blossomed at that, a faint blush rising to her cheeks. After all this time, he enjoyed the effect he had on her, the way she would beam under his words. It was the easiest thing in the world – he was only being honest. 

She sighed again, contentedly, folding in under his embrace. “Thank you for today, Kaidan.”

“I should be saying that to you.”

“No, I mean it.” She smirked at him, continuing as she gazed out at the ocean, watched the light of the stars shimmer off the waves. “I never realized how much this day would mean to me until it actually happened. Seeing everyone there, celebrating with all of our friends – it meant the world to me. And coming home to you, coming back as your _wife_ – well, there’s nothing that could make me happier. I spent so long thinking our time together was limited, knowing we have the rest of our lives to enjoy it is…a little overwhelming.”

“In a good way, I hope.” He teased, tightening his grip on her fingers. She squeezed back eagerly, pressing her back into him.

“The best way.” She whispered, just audible above the breeze. “You’ve given me something I never thought I would have. A normal life. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, and nothing I ever got…until now.”

Her words washed over him, and he felt his heart clench at the rawness he heard in her voice. He knew that her life had been difficult. She’d clawed her way through the streets, been struck into military fame at a young age, had the weight of the world placed on her shoulders in a situation of sheer unlucky circumstance. Being able to give her even a taste of normal was a gift in and of itself, and one he was happy to give eagerly. 

“As long as you’re happy, Jane. You make me the happiest man in the world, and I’ve only ever wanted to make you feel the same way.” He said roughly, and she smiled, turning to catch his gaze in hers, her green eyes flashing.

“I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. And it’s all thanks to you…husband.” She said, smirking at the end. 

He sighed happily at that, pulling at her arm gently to twist her frame in their embrace. She turned eagerly, her back up against the rail, her face level with his as she lay cocooned within his arms. Looking her over, he smiled, reaching up to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

“You look tiny in my jacket. It’s adorable.” He said, pressing a kiss to her nose.

“You look so handsome in your suit. I almost don’t want you to ever take it off.” She said honestly, looking him over with a happy smile. 

“I’ll wear it for you every year, then. But only if you wear this, again, too. I don’t think I could ever tire of seeing you like this.” His eyes roved over her form, taking in every minute detail that he’d been too deliriously happy to have noticed earlier. He saw the way the white fabric clung to her waist, flaring out gently to dance along the floor. It hugged her breasts, a soft lace covering her bosom. It was simple and feminine and perfect. 

It was _Jane_. Not Commander, not Shepard – just Jane. 

His wife.

He kissed her then, gently, his tongue pushing up against hers softly. She opened her mouth for him eagerly, hand wrapping into his hair like it was the easiest thing in the world. He moaned against her lips, pressing against her, pulling her waist into his as his fingers spanned the lithe curve of her spine.

“Take me inside, Kaidan.” She pulled back, whispering, her eyes looking at him hungrily. He nodded, wasting no time in bending down, scooping her off her feet in one easy movement. She cried out in surprise before grinning at him, relaxing as he shuffled her weight in his arms, her knees hooked over his elbow. 

“I’ve always wanted to do that.” He admitted awkwardly, and she chuckled easily, shaking her head.

“You’re such a dork.” She teased.

“You love it, though.” He jested back, smiling at her. She smiled right back.

“I do.” 

Grinning, he carried her into their bedroom, depositing her feet gently back onto the ground, pulling his jacket softly off her shoulders to flutter to the floor by his feet. Her arms were still wrapped around his neck, only too happy to pull him in for a kiss.

He responded eagerly, but slowly, achingly – they had all the time in the world, now. He had every intention of making tonight last as long as they were able.

Her lips were already kiss-swollen and glistening when he pulled back, dragging his mouth across her jaw and down her elegant neck. She sighed, turning her head eagerly, smiling as he placed soft kisses on her skin. He ran his hands across her shoulders, kissing the freckles that were sprinkled there, dragging his fingertips down her arms to clasp her hands in his.

“I love you.” He said into the crook of her shoulder. Her hands tightened in his, tugging him even closer to her as they stood at the foot of their bed, resting her forehead against his. In that moment, he swore he could hear her heart beating through her chest.

“Make love to me, Kaidan. Please.” She asked quietly, her eyes bright. He smiled at her words, feeling a familiar stirring in his groin – he was only too happy to oblige.

Releasing her hands from his, he wrapped his arms around her waist, fingers reaching up her back for a zipper he knew would be hiding somewhere. When he found it at the nape of her neck, he kissed her again, softly, smiling into her gaze as he tugged it slowly down along her spine. The fabric pooled and, when it made its descent down near her hips, it gave way, threatening to slip off her shoulders.

She shrugged the white material off from one shoulder, then the next, slipping her arms through slowly before wriggling her hips free from the material completely. The dress billowed and fell smoothly in a pool of soft fabric at her feet.

He swallowed heavily at the sight.

She wasn’t wearing a bra, just panties that came up over her hips, strung with satin bows and delicate lace. It did something to her legs, elongating them, showing off their lean muscles on the journey down to her feet. 

It was achingly simple and feminine. It was perfectly Jane.

“God, you’re beautiful.” He whispered against her cheek, chuckling beside himself. She didn’t say anything, just smiled, bringing her arms up to wrap around his neck again. He trailed his fingers up the sides of her skin, feeling her warm body beneath his palms. He explored her thoroughly, leaving no inch untouched – his hands roved slowly over the rounded curve of her bottom, arched up along the line of soft lace he found nestled in her skin, trailing up to cup her breasts gently. His thumbs smoothed over her pink nipples, pleased when they hardened under his touch.

She shuffled on her feet, and he noticed she was taking deep breaths, her eyes flitting from his own gaze down to his suit. Relinquishing his touch, he slid his hands down to rest at the curve of her waist, allowing with his eyes that she could begin to disrobe him as well.

Eagerly, her hands slipped from behind his neck, loosening his tie and carefully pulling it off from over his head. She unbuttoned his shirt methodically, her gaze focused, and he watched her determined movements raptly, more than happy to look over her nearly naked body as she worked to peel his own clothes off.

His torso exposed, she released a happy sigh, smoothing her small hands across the hard lines of his chest. He worked with her movements, helping to pull his arms through his shirt and stepping out of his pants when she tugged them down to his feet. She made quick work of his socks, standing back up to push herself into him, their skin touching hotly as she pressed her lips to his once more.

He moaned, he couldn’t help himself – he would never tire of feeling her body up against his, her creamy skin a pale mixture of smooth muscle and soft curves, her form receptive and pliant under his own. He was already hard, his erection pressing into her stomach as they wrestled their tongues along one another, her hips pressing into his as she sought more friction against her aching core.

He could give her that.

Pulling his mouth away hotly, she was gasping, her breasts heaving, nipples tight. God, she was a sight to see. He knew right then he wanted to ravish her until she was breathless, her name on his lips, her body melted putty under his hands.

“Lean back, Jane.” He spoke huskily, and she complied, sitting on the edge of the bed and shuffling herself to lay patiently with her head atop of their pillows, her knees propped up and touching demurely.

Smiling at her, he hooked his thumbs under his waistband, releasing his arousal from the confines of his briefs. A grateful sigh escaped his lips and he didn’t miss the way her eyes stared at him hungrily, her hips shuffling in anticipation. This made him grin; he slid onto the sheets slowly, his cock bobbing in the air, crawling atop of her and cupping her head to capture her lips in a searing kiss. 

“Kaidan.” She said, wrapping a hand around his erection eagerly. The touch made him hiss in pleasure, but he didn’t want that yet – gently, he eased her hand off, smirking when she made a sound of protest.

“Patience, my beautiful wife – I’m nowhere near done with you yet.” His voice was a promise, and she whimpered, licking her lips as she gazed upon his bigger frame dwarfing over her. Pleased when she brought her hands up to rest behind his neck, he kissed her again, relishing in the feel of her wet mouth on his.

When was the last time they had made-out like this, he pondered? It felt amazing – their lips swollen and tender, tongues sliding up against one another, the smell of her hair and her skin all around him. She was pressing her hips into his, pushing her wet center into his erection. He allowed her – it all felt too good, heady almost, as though they were drunk off one another’s touch. He couldn’t get enough of her, his hands running over her skin, one palm gripping under her ass to pull her roughly against his erection, rubbing her eagerly against him until they were both panting in anticipation.

He pulled away softly, breathing as deeply as she was, a heated look in her eye. She was smiling up at him, licking her lips, twisting restlessly below him. Jane brought her hands up to pinch at her nipples, cupping the mounds eagerly in her small palms. He groaned, dipping his head to place kisses down her throat and across her chest, nuzzling her breasts eagerly. He wrapped his lips around one pert nipple, moaning into her skin when she released a satisfied moan of her own, laving it with his tongue.

“Love you.” She panted, and he raised his eyes to hers, smiling against her skin. She was beautiful like this, so sexy, a heated flush across her cheeks with her eyes half-lidded and heavy with lust. Her lips were kiss-swollen and red, the scent of her skin and her arousal spurning around him in an intoxicating wave.

There was something achingly beautiful about knowing how she liked to be touched, knowing he’d be able to please her in exactly the way that she wanted. 

Groaning and eager, he dragged his lips down her sternum, trailing down her abdomen to kiss teasingly at her bellybutton. He dragged his hands over her curves, feeling the smooth muscles of her legs, making a pleased sound when she spread her legs invitingly for him.

He settled himself between her thighs, kissing and licking his way around the delicate fabric. He was soft and gentle with his tongue, his laps never staying long, purposely exhaling on the wet skin to watch her squirm against the sensations. He could smell her arousal, so strong from here, and he planted a few well-placed kisses along her center, licking at the wet fabric that had pooled there. 

“ _Kaidan_.” She moaned, her toes curling, her breath short. He hummed, perhaps in agreement with her. He wanted to taste her, to feel her beneath his tongue – but he wanted her in a different position. And he knew just the one she liked.

“Turn over for me, Jane.” He whispered huskily, his fingers running along the white seam of her panties along her inner thigh. She gazed at him for a moment, her eyes wide, before flushing in understanding.

Obediently, she tucked her knees up, gingerly flipping herself over. As she settled onto her stomach, her arms cushioned beneath a pillow under her head, he lifted himself accommodatingly, allowing her to extend her legs fully. 

He made a sound of contentment, resettling himself between her legs, exhaling softly at the view. He’d always loved the sight of Jane from behind – at all angles, really, she was stunning – but something about this particular view – 

“ _Ahh_.” She moaned, hips twisting subtly, as he gingerly cupped her cheeks in his palms, pressing a soft kiss to the globe of her ass. He kneaded the soft flesh with his fingers, watched as she squirmed when he trailed touches up the seam of her panties, when his hands gingerly spread her bare before him.

Yes, something about _this_ sight was particularly intoxicating for the both of them, if her restless squirming was any indication. He loved watching her like this – the curve of her bottom tantalizing in and of itself, the way the cut of her panties accentuated the round muscles, the deep bend of her spine, the creamy expanse of skin along her petite back. Even the firm swell of her thighs, spread just so before him – all of it, made him desperate to touch every inch of her.

Gently, he nuzzled his way between her cheeks, lapping lightly at the fabric there. She moaned, as did he – being able to bury his face in her soft mounds did something to him, a primal sort of satisfaction he couldn’t put into words. Below him, his cock throbbed, and he hadn’t even tasted her yet.

Reaching up, he pulled the fabric of her panties down, making a pleased noise when the white lace peeled back from her skin, revealing her wet folds to him at last.

Here, he took his time – spreading her cheeks, he admired the view, relished in the way her hips wriggled with anticipation, hearing the short breaths she took with his movements. He kissed the soft skin, burying himself within the curved muscle of her behind, until – 

“ _Yes_.” She gasped, twitching in response to his tongue just grazing the outside of her folds. 

Pleased, he went for another stroke, and another – dipping his tongue in her center, lapping at the moisture he found there, his senses filled with the feel of her skin, the scent of her arousal, the sight of her spread open before him.

There was something about tasting her in this way that drove her wild. Maybe it was the vulnerability with this position, the abject closeness it brought him to her most sensitive parts, that was heady in and of itself. It certainly had an effect on him – he felt insatiable, as though he couldn’t get enough of her, the taste of her on his tongue leaving his cock rigid and throbbing. 

He dropped his mouth, searching for her clitoris and left broad, fat strokes on it eagerly. She was whimpering now, restless, the muscles of her thighs clenching in time with each pass on the sensitive bundle. He kept his pace, relentless on his assault to her nerves, probing her entrance with his nose. When she wriggled too much for him to keep a steady grip, he brought his hands up to grip the sides of her hips, keeping her in place as he suckled eagerly at her swollen, sensitive skin.

He was rewarded when she cried out, her voice strained in her pillow, thighs tensing on either side of his head – and she shook in his grip, her voice giving way to soft sobs of release, a fresh rush of warmth pooling from her center. 

Jane was shaking, her muscles tensing and released sporadically as she panted, enjoying the high. He couldn’t wait any longer to be close to her – running his large hands up her back soothingly, he crawled back atop of her still-quaking form, encasing her smaller frame between his arms and entwining their fingers. 

He found her entrance easily, his erection slipping easily between her wet folds. He pressed a kiss to her cheek, inhaling the scent of her hair, muttering soft nothings in her ear as she came back down to reality. When she finally opened her eyes, the green of them locking onto his with a dazed smile, he thrust his hips forward until he was pressed flush against her.

“ _Jane_.” It was his turn to moan, her slick center welcoming him home, her walls still shuddering from release. She gasped, smiling, gripping his hands tightly in hers.

“Feels so good.” She whispered throatily, gasping again when he cautiously pushed and pulled himself back into her, finding a slow and steady rhythm that made Kaidan feel almost dizzy. 

It was a lot to take in, he thought to himself. Making love with Jane had always been intense, always passionate – but tonight, knowing that she was his, that he’d have her like this always…it made it that much more _alive_ , their skin burning against one another, his skin heightened in a way he’d never felt before. 

He gripped her hand in his even tighter, his thumb absently rubbing on the back of her ring. His pace was steady, thorough, pushing into her as deeply as he could before sliding out again, pressing kisses to her freckled cheeks with every thrust. She was moaning and shaking in his arms, her legs clenching tightly between his.

“Kaidan, I –”

“You feel so good, Jane.” He moaned in her ear, his hips snapping into hers.

“ _Yes_.” She panted, squeezing her eyes shut. “Kaidan, I can’t –”

“You can. I want to feel you. I want to feel my wife come around me.” He whispered huskily, and she cried out, her body tensing gloriously around him once more. He ground into her slowly, at that same steady pace, until her back arched, her hands gripping his almost painfully when she finally moaned his name. 

He thrust a few more times, relishing in the feel of her quaking beneath him, pausing with himself buried firmly inside of her while she sobbed happily in his arms.

They stayed just like that, him placing gentle kisses to her cheeks and corner of her mouth, his cock still throbbing inside of her, ready to burst at any moment. 

She was boneless, sated, but still raptly hungry for him, her mouth searching for his when she caught her breath. Moaning, he slipped his tongue inside her eagerly, a kiss she returned happily. 

“Can you turn back around for me?” He asked quietly, and she nodded. He slipped himself from her with a hiss, already missing the warm cocoon of her body wrapped tightly around him. Gingerly, and a little wobbly he noticed with a grin, she maneuvered herself onto her back, slinging her legs upon his hips with an inviting smile. 

Crawling back atop her, he slid himself back home. He groaned happily into her neck, smiling as she wrapped herself tightly around him, her arms encircling behind his neck.

He wouldn’t take long, he knew.

Kissing the column of her neck, Kaidan lifted his head, trailing a path to her lips. She welcomed him eagerly, pressing her forehead against his. She smiled when his hands cupped the side of her face gently, his mouth ghosting over hers softly.

“Love you.” He said huskily, rocking his hips into her once more. She moaned at the familiar movement, her lips turned up against his.

“Love you, too. Always have.” 

Propelled by her words, he pushed into her in that same steady pace, feeling himself sinking home with every deep thrust. It wrought a deep groan from his chest, the pleasurable tingling snaking down his spine and out towards the very tips of his fingers. He felt her everywhere – her skin warm against his, her eyes boring encouragingly into him, the feel of her wrapped so tightly around his cock, her body wet and slick against his. 

He was shaking in her arms, hips thrusting steadily into hers, eyes locked on her achingly beautiful face.

“Love you so much.” He gasped out, feeling the stirrings low in his abdomen, faint wisps of blue scattering over his vision. She smiled brilliantly, pressing her mouth against his desperately, hands running over his face, his hair, his brow.

“Love you too. I’m yours. All yours, Kaidan.” She whispered to him, eyes alight and encouraging, legs tight around his waist.

He cried out raggedly, burying himself as far as he could, closing his eyes as the pleasant ache burst from his cock in one glorious moment. The pleasure wracked through his body and he groaned helplessly, muscles tight, as he felt himself pulse into her, a brilliant flash of blue dancing over both their skins. 

She ran soothing fingers through his hair as she coaxed him down from his high. It was many moments later, his breath still coming in deep, ragged breaths, that he opened his eyes to gaze at her. It took his breath away, seeing the openness in her eyes, the love spilling out from her expression. 

Belatedly, he realized tears had slipped down her cheeks, but she raised her thumb over his skin, smiling at him almost guiltily when he realized he had let some of the salty liquid fall from his own eyes as well.

“You’re amazing.” He said hoarsely. She chuckled, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“I think that’s you, actually.”

“Hmm.” He pressed his forehead against hers, smiling against her lips. “I forgot to thank you for one last thing.”

“What’s that?” She whispered, stroking soothing fingers through his hair.

“Thank you for waiting for me.” He said lowly, pleased when she smiled back.

“Thank you for showing up.”

Her familiar words washed over him, spreading a pleasant warmth from deep within his chest. Slowly, gently, he eased himself off of her, cocooning her smaller frame into his torso. She sighed contentedly into his embrace, both sets of eyes watching their fingers entwine and play against each other in their sheets.

The moonlight twinkled off a matching set of rings.


	17. Entry 35: This Was Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2188  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“What, you mean normal couples don’t high-five each other after a husk-killing spree?”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

“Are you sure we really get to call this ‘home’?”

They were standing on the balcony – on _their_ balcony, as of two hours ago – looking out at the Pacific. Kaidan leant on the rail beside her, a childlike grin on his face. It was impossible not to smile at that.

“Pretty sure those papers we just signed have our names on it.” She teased, joining him so their elbows touched. “It does feel pretty surreal, though, doesn’t it.”

“You’re telling me. How is it even possible that just – just two years ago, we weren’t even certain if we were going to be alive the next day, and yet here we are, looking out of a brand-new penthouse overlooking the ocean. It’s too good to be true, Jane. It has to be.” He chuckled, shaking his head bemusedly.

“I guess the universe finally decided we paid our dues. Maybe we can finally enjoy our lives instead of nearly dying for them.” She said wryly, exhaling with a small smile. “The, ah, _Spectre perks_ weren’t bad either. It helps when every contractor in the city is begging for you to live here.”

“True.” He laughed at that, grinning at her from the corner of his eye. He was silent then, leaning over to place a soft kiss against her cheek. “I’m so happy, Jane. Happy that we get to share this together.”

She smiled, leaning into his touch. “I’m happy too. It’s nice to, you know – do normal couple things like this.”

“What, you mean normal couples don’t high-five each other after a husk-killing spree?” He pondered, thinking. “Nah, you’re probably right. I think this is the most normal thing we’ve ever done.”

Laughing lightly, she looked out around them. Vancouver was in good shape, all things considered. It had been decimated after the Reaper invasion – and yet, with the collapse of the mass relays, construction efforts had been heavy in the city when it rapidly became a temporary political stronghold for all of the stranded intergalactic races. So while the occasional pile of rubble still dotted the coastline, many of the buildings had been reconstructed, fresh trees planted in honor of the many sacrifices, the snow-peaked mountains shining brilliantly against clear skies.

A knock at their door broke their reverie, and Kaidan glanced over at her, startled. 

“We aren’t expecting anyone, are we?” He asked, brows furrowed, and she shook her head.

“Not that I know of.” She said slowly, standing and heading for the door. He followed behind her closely, a curious expression on his face.

“First thing tomorrow, Shepard, we’re buying some damn furniture.” He muttered as they traipsed their way through their starkly empty living room, and she laughed at that.

“Agreed, Alenko. Although, you’re really going to have to help me with that. Every place I’ve ever lived in came pre-decorated.” 

They paused in the foyer, and Kaidan pressed his thumb to the wall console. A young asari swam into view, carrying a clipboard and looking merely bored outside of their front door.

“Yes?” Kaidan called out, and the asari jumped, looking up at the camera.

_“I’ve got a delivery here for the occupants of Unit 31.”_ She said politely, looking a little uncertain. _“It’s fairly large; I had to bring it upstairs biotically.”_

“We weren’t expecting any packages.” Kaidan replied politely, curious. The asari looked down at her clipboard, searching for something.

_“It’s from – oh, wow. It’s from Dr. Liara T’Soni. She says it’s…a homecoming present.”_ The asari looked back up into the camera, brow raised. _“You have friends in high places.”_

Exchanging a humorous look with Shepard, Kaidan unlocked the door, waiting for the familiar whirring of locks to unclick. When the wood slid back and revealed their faces, the asari jumped.

“Holy _shit_. I mean – sorry. It’s just – you’re Commander Shepard. And Major Alenko. Wow.” She giggled nervously, exhaling with a shake of her head. “I got it the wrong way around. It looks like Dr. T’Soni is the one with friends in high places.”

“I’m surprised you recognized me.” Kaidan said a little bemusedly, and to his surprise the girl laughed.

“I watched the Normandy’s homecoming after the war, sir. I mean, we all did. But, that entrance you gave made every girl swoon in my entire platoon. It was so _romantic_ – of course I recognize you.” She replied instantly, before flushing a bit at her words, suddenly looking rather embarrassed. “I – I’m sorry. That was – that was inappropriate.” 

“On the contrary, it’s me who should be happy that everyone seems to share your sentiment on that, uh, incident.” Kaidan chuckled easily, his cheeks tinged slightly pink at the reminder.

“Liara’s an old friend of ours.” Shepard cut in, grinning bemusedly at Kaidan’s discomfort. “And she would think to get us a present. How did she even know we were moving in today?” 

“How do you think? Her, ah, _part-time job_ is certainly informative. You need me to sign?” He asked the asari politely, and she jumped, handing the clipboard over eagerly.

“My friends are never going to believe this.” She said, her eyes wide.

“What made you want to work in Vancouver? I thought most asari opted to work on fixing the relays.” Kaidan asked curiously, signing his name easily. “Not that I’m complaining. Sorry, I just meant – we don’t see too many asari here in the city. I’m just curious, is all.”

“Not at all. Most of them did. During the attack on Earth, I was on one of the asari freighters. I’m nowhere near finishing my commando training, but after Thessia – well, they took what they could get. I helped with the relays at first, but biotics are in high demand in the city. Construction companies pay well enough; I’m cheaper than an operating crane.” She joked easily, taking the clipboard back. 

Kaidan laughed at that. “Valid point.”

“Many of the other asaris make fun of me, to be honest. They think this kind of work is beneath them. But I like to keep busy. It’s been fun, exploring a new planet. I’d never left Thessia before the war. When I ended up stranded out here, I thought I’d make the most of it.” She shrugged, smiling. “If I’d known I was going to run into you two on the job, hell, I would’ve signed on earlier.”

“We appreciate that.” Shepard said with a smile. “When the time is right, we hope to head back to Thessia and help with reconstruction efforts out there, too. I’m sure by then your expertise will come to very good use back home, too.”

“Thank you, ma’am. That means a lot to me.” She brightened, a happy smile on her face.

“Do you need help bringing the package in?” Kaidan asked. “I’m happy to help if its heavy.”

“It’s no bother, sir. It’s not heavy, just large. Unless, of course, you don’t want me to come inside. I can leave it outside your door here for you, if you’d like.” The asari flushed, and Kaidan chuckled.

“There isn’t much for you to see anyway, we haven’t exactly done our furniture shopping yet. Bring it on in, we’ll find a spot for it, whatever it is.”

She nodded, turning back to the elevator shaft. Kaidan turned to her, an eyebrow raised amusingly.

“Looks like we have a fan.” He said, and Shepard smiled.

The asari returned but a moment later, glowing a familiar shade of blue as a large rectangular object floated its way effortlessly behind her. 

“She wasn’t kidding. That thing is huge.” Shepard remarked, crossing her arms. 

“I think it’s a holo-frame, ma’am. Can’t be too sure, but – well.” The girl shrugged, indicating its shape. “Where would you like it?”

“Just here in the living room is fine. Just down the hall, by the window.” 

She nodded, glancing at both of them with a cautious smile as though to make sure this was really alright, before striding into their foyer. When their package was resting carefully up against the fireplace wall, her biotics fizzled out, rippling blue fading into the air with a quiet hum. She turned to them, suddenly looking a little uncomfortable.

“Hey, um. Before I leave – and I will completely understand if you say no, but – would be alright if I got a holo-image with you?” The asari asked, her cheeks flushing a bit. Shepard smiled while Kaidan, who had been running his hands along the packaging curiously – it came up to nearly his waist, it really _was_ huge – turned to her, surprised. He was always surprised when people asked them questions like this, as though genuinely confused as to why they would even want to.

It was adorable.

“We’d love to, wouldn’t we, Kaidan.” She smirked, stepping forward to stand beside the girl, who was now smiling rather incredulously.

“Oh – Absolutely.”

He joined her other side, and she tapped away at her omni-tool, its imaging drone coming to rest a few feet ahead of them. She instructed them to smile, the light flashing for a brief second before they separated. 

“Thank you, thank you so much. This is – no one would have believed me otherwise. I’ll be framing this one for sure.” The girl said excitedly, tapping away at her tool. After a moment, she paused, looking back up at them with bright eyes. “And thank you, not just for the picture, either. But, for – for everything.”

“We couldn’t have done a thing without the help of every other person in the galaxy who showed up to fight that day, too. So, thank _you_.” Shepard said humbly, the corners of her lips turned up. The girl nodded and, with another excited smile, she exited herself from their living room, the front door closing behind her with the whirring of locks.

“Did you hear that? You made an entire platoon of asari commandos swoon. I think I may have some competition.” Shepard teased at him, and he smiled, his cheeks still tinged a little pink.

“The second you flirted with me on the SR-1 was the same moment that no other person in the galaxy ever had a damn shot.” He replied honestly, and it was her turn to flush slightly at his words. He was busying himself with tearing the corners off the packaging gently, unfolding the cardboard wrapping eagerly.

The box fell away and – the young asari had been right – it was an elaborate holo-frame, the sides a smooth polished metal. A handwritten note fell from the center, fluttering to the carpet where Kaidan picked it up, curious.

_“‘Congratulations on your new home. Hopefully this brings a little bit of the Normandy back to you – a home is not a home without the people that you love, after all. I eagerly await an invitation to visit. Love always, Liara’.”_ He read aloud, causing Shepard to smile brightly. 

“She’s a great friend.” 

“A devious one, too. Guess it pays to have the Shadow Broker as a close friend.” He replied with a chuckle. He handed the note to her, which she took gratefully, glancing over the familiar writing. Kaidan bent down, feeling the sides of the frame, searching for the holo-emitter. 

There.

His hands brushed under one of the corners of the frame, and the picture sprang to life, causing them both to emit surprised sounds.

It was their crew. All of them, from the night they had spent celebrating in Anderson’s apartment aboard the Citadel, before they had set off on their assault back to Earth. 

Dumbfounded, Shepard sat down before it, crossing her legs and staring at the photo raptly. Kaidan quietly followed suit, smiling broadly. 

The two of them, in the front row and smiling goofily at one another. James saluting in the background. All of the familiar faces, from Liara herself to Jack, to Jacob, to Wrex and Grunt, to Tali and Garrus, Joker and EDI, Kasumi and Samara. They were all there, smiling up at them, drinks in many of their hands, this ragtag team of people that had somehow, from so many different backgrounds and so many different places, came together and become a family. 

“I thought – I didn’t think I’d ever see this again.” She finally said, after a long moment. Kaidan hummed beside her, reaching an arm to pull her into his shoulder gently.

“Me either. I guess – I forgot Liara would have had a copy. Glyph.”

“We have – a lot of great friends, don’t we.” She said quietly, smiling. 

“The best.”

They stayed just like that, sitting on the floor and gazing at the faces of the people they loved, relishing in the silence of their empty apartment. It suddenly felt a lot more like home.

/////

KAlenko: _Left a present for you at home. Be there as soon as I can._

Shepard glanced down at her tool, lips turning briefly as the elevator floor made its familiar ascent. They were still accustoming themselves to their new routine – it was unfamiliar to her, having a permanent place to call home. 

Never mind having a home she shared with somebody else, either. It was a thought that always made her smile.

Curious, she shifted the groceries in her hand, swiping her tool and entering the foyer. Poking around, her eyes slid from wall to wall, her footsteps leading her into their living room cautiously. There was no obvious package, no clear indication of the present he spoke of. She rummaged through their apartment slowly – the kitchen counters were bare, the table the way they’d left it that morning, with the remnants of Kaidan’s enormous breakfast still littering a few empty plates. Their bedroom was untouched from earlier, her N7 sweater thrown unceremoniously over the covers and Kaidan’s spare BDU’s slung over a chair.

Just as she was about to pull her tool out and ask him to give her another hint, something caught her eye. Liara’s holo-image sprang to life as she entered the living room, but there was something different.

In the corner, something didn’t quite belong.

Brow raised, she stepped closer, peering at the object that she knew hadn’t been there that morning. It was a holo-image, significantly smaller, tucked haphazardly into the corner of the frame. When she realized what it was, her breath caught in her throat.

It was a photograph taken aboard the Normandy SR-1. Kaidan, herself, and Ashley Williams stood in front of the Mako, an off-screen Garrus struggling to press the imaging button, she remembered. It was only a few years ago, but, looking at their faces – they looked so much younger – it felt like a different lifetime.

And Ashley – her dark hair was pulled back in her regulation bun, her iconic bubblegum-pink suit giving her cheeks a rosy appearance, laughing merrily with an arm over each of them.

She’d forgotten about this image. How had Kaidan gotten a hold of it?

Shepard didn’t think about how her feet folded under her, just content to sit on the floor and gaze at the face of a familiar friend. Of all the lives lost – Ashley’s would always sting that much more. Ashley’s death had been personal.

It was a long while before she finally heard the front door unlocking, Kaidan’s familiar footsteps reaching her ears.

“Jane?” He called out, his husky voice inquisitive.

“I’m in here.” She called back a moment later, still contentedly holding the holo in her palms. She heard him approach closer, stilling somewhere behind her.

“Do you like it, then?” He finally asked, his voice a little quiet. She turned to face him, a wide smile pulling at her cheeks. 

“I love it. It’s – it’s exactly what we were missing.” She said tightly. He exhaled loudly, grinning back at her as though relieved. She didn’t complain when he made his way to sit beside her, folding his legs onto the floor to mirror her own position, the couch behind them seemingly forgotten.

“It didn’t seem right, not having her up there with everyone else.” He said quietly, looking down at the holo with her. She hummed in agreement, resting her head on his shoulder when he brought an arm to wrap around her invitingly.

“You’re right.”

“You like it then?” He asked quietly, pressing a soft kiss into her hair.

“I love it.” 

“I’m glad.” He grasped his free hand over hers, brushing his lips softly over her cheek. His voice was quiet, rough and gravelly against her ear. “I was hoping you would. I thought – well, I thought there might be a few others that could stand to have a spot up there, too.”

“You did?” She asked, meeting his eyes. He nodded.

“Anderson, for one.” He said, swallowing heavily. “And I know – I know you lost more than a few friends you’d like to remember. Friends like Legion.”

“Legion.” She smiled, staring down into Ashley’s smiling face. “Yes, Legion. And – and Mordin. Thane.”

“That’s right.” 

She breathed a sigh of relief, sagging her bodyweight against him, suddenly overcome.

“Thank you, Kaidan. This is the most thoughtful thing anyone…thank you.”

He made a pleased sound, pressing another kiss over her cheek, dusting over her freckles, skimming her nose, finally ghosting just over her lips.

“Every one of these people made our future possible. I owe them everything for that reason alone. So it’s the least I can do, to not forget that.”

She smiled into his lips, kissing him back, suddenly feverish. Pushing into his chest, she careened him to the floor, straddling him easily and wrapping her body tightly over his. He was only too eager to comply.

“I love you.” She said simply, watching as he closed his eyes with a pleased smile.

“I’ll never get tired of hearing that.” Her kissed her back gently, pulling away to catch her eye mischievously. “And just so we’re clear, if this is how I can expect to be greeted when I get home, I think I’m really going to like living here.”

She giggled into his mouth, the holo-image slipping from her fingers to flutter to the floor beside them. 

This was home.


	18. Entry 34: [E] Apple Picking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2187  
>  **Location** : Okanagan Valley / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“Shepard was content, just like this – it felt nice to get her hands dirty, to feel the ripe fruit in her hands, to feel soft soil under her nails. It all felt very human. She felt like she was reacquainting herself with something very familiar, something long forgotten._
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: explicit sexual content]

“So, you’re _certain_ you want me to come with you.”

“Are you kidding? My mom would kill me if I didn’t. She’s dying to meet you.”

They were heading down to the docks, where a skycar was waiting for them. After daily vid-com chats with his mother, Kaidan had arranged for them to fly into the BC interior to spend a few days with her before they formally returned to active duty. Shepard had offered to make an appearance over camera, but Kaidan had staunchly refused – he wanted their first meeting to be in person, he’d said.

Admittedly, she was nervous. There wasn’t a whole hell of a lot that made Shepard nervous, and ironically she pondered over the many moments in her life where she in all likelihood _should_ have been nervous but wasn’t – and yet here she was, about to do so mundane a thing as meeting the mother of the man she loved, and she was incredibly nervous.

As though sensing this, he grasped her hand in his, pulling her to him softly. Their feet stopped, and he gazed down at her, a warm smile on his face.

“Hey.” He said, kissing her forehead reassuringly. “She’s going to love you. And, it means a lot to me that we’re doing this.”

“I wouldn’t miss it.” She admitted, closing her eyes when she felt his lips graze her forehead. She didn’t want to miss a single moment with him ever again. “Just, forgive me. I’m a marine. I’ve never done this before. I don’t exactly have any expertise in this area.”

“You don’t need any expertise, you just need to be yourself.” Kaidan’s eyes twinkled at her, amused by her uncertainty. “Look, Jane. Just be _you_. She’ll see exactly why I love you. I know – I know this might be weird for you, having grown up without a family of your own. But its stuff like this that we fought to save. And I want you to see that for yourself.” He paused, smiling. “Also, I really want you to try her cooking. You think mine is good; just wait until you eat some of hers.”

“It’s the only reason I agreed to go, Alenko.” She said wryly, and he chuckled, pressing his lips against hers.

“The only reason?” He said lowly, and she sighed against his mouth.

“Alright, maybe the second reason.”

He chuckled again, stepping back and pulling along her hand. “That’s what I thought. Now let’s go, _marine_. Mom’s home cooking awaits us.”

/////

Kaidan hadn’t exaggerated. The BC interior was beautiful.

She had seen a lot of different landscapes in her life, having stepped onto more planets than she could count or even remember – a lot of those with Kaidan at her side – but hadn’t had the opportunity to explore her own planet very well, beyond Alliance training postings.

It was ironic, considering how much they’d sacrificed to save Earth. She supposed there was no time like the present to begin exploring it for herself.

Maybe it was the nostalgic grin on Kaidan’s face that biased her opinions, but the scenery before them was stunning. He was driving carefully but excitedly, eagerly pointing out different areas of interest. The land looked largely untouched, out here – she supposed there hadn’t been enough of a population to entice the Reapers the way the big cities had.

Lush, rolling hills of green and yellow, large stretches of vineyards and apple trees spilling out for miles, blue skies with fluffy patches of white clouds – it felt like they’d entered a whole different world, a pocket untouched by the madness.

He brought the skycar low in the sky, slowing down to a leisurely pace as they rounded over a riverbend.

“You see up there, Jane? That yellow house, by those big willow trees? That’s home.” He pointed out the window, and she gazed curiously up ahead. It was settled into a nook at the base of a large hill, open to large swathes of sunlight but protected by the wind. Apple trees stretched out farther than she could see, planted in neat little rows, wooden fencing encircling around them. It was beautiful; something out of a countryside recruitment program to entice aspiring farmers.

“So, explain something to me. I thought you grew up in Vancouver?” She said curiously, as they approached ever-closer. He chuckled easily beside her.

“I did. I went to school in Vancouver…well, before BAaT, I mean. My parents owned an apartment there, overlooking English Bay. My dad is – was a marine, like us, you remember. So he wanted to be close to Alliance headquarters. But he grew up out here. His side of the family owns a bunch of farms and vineyards, just like this. I’d always come back and spend my summers here. It was so peaceful, so nice to get away from the hustle of the big city. Especially for a biotic – the noise got to be too much for me in the city, sometimes. I always liked escaping here.”

She was quiet, envisioning a younger Kaidan running around through the trees. It was a pleasant image.

“You remember – well, you remember how I joined the Alliance a little late? I wasn’t eighteen, I mean.” He asked quietly, glancing at her from the corner of his eye. She nodded. “Well, I took some time off after BAaT. After everything that happened – I needed an escape, to cool my head for a bit. I originally went back with my dad in Vancouver, but when I wasn’t getting any better I came out here. Spent a whole year here. It helped a lot.”

“No wonder this place means so much to you.” She said quietly, smiling. 

“Mhmm.” He agreed. He shifted the skycar, bringing it up along a dusty road. A clearing sat at the far end, near the base of the house, and he settled it down gently, the sound of the engine dissipating into the trees.

Kaidan turned to her, grinning, leaning across the console to kiss her quickly on the cheek before opening the door in excitement. He’d barely put his feet to the ground when she heard her – a woman, much shorter than herself, with thick dark hair pulled back from her face, was sprinting down the steps of the front porch, shoes forgotten in her haste.

“ _Kaidan!_ ” She cried out, and he opened his arms wide, pulling her in for a tight embrace. Shepard watched curiously – his mother buried her face into his neck, crying happily, laughing as he lifted her off the ground with ease and spun her around eagerly. He was laughing too, a huge smile on his face and eyes squeezed tight.

“Hi, mom.”

“I have missed you so much, _so_ much. You can’t _ever_ do that to me again.” Mrs. Alenko was hugging him as tight as she could, peppering his cheeks with a plethora of kisses.

“I missed you too, mom. You look great.” He chuckled between kisses, setting her down gently onto the ground. “Where are your shoes?”

“Forget the damn shoes, let me look at you!” She cried out, face alight. Her eyes – the same color as his, Shepard noticed from the car – roved over his face, smoothing over shoulders aimlessly. “You look so handsome, Kaidan. Just like your father. And when did you get so _big_? I never thought you’d be able to put on weight like this, you struggled for years to eat enough. You look wonderful, so healthy and strong!”

He had closed his eyes, listening to her words with a playful smile on his face. “Thanks, mom. I – I really missed you. It’s good to be home.”

“Stay as long as you like. Hell, stay forever. I don’t ever want to be parted from you for that long ever again, do you hear me? You – you’re all I have left.” Her voice, so strong and loud before, gave way suddenly, and she quickly buried herself in his arms again.

Shepard eased herself slowly out of the skycar, stepping her boots to the dirt hesitantly. She felt out of her element – for all of the families and all of the mothers she’d unquestionably brought her gun up to defend over the years, she’d never genuinely experienced it for herself. Watching the two of them now, their affection so strong, she felt distinctly out of place, uncertain of how to engage.

Kaidan made it easy for her. Spotting her over his mother’s shoulder, he waved her over eagerly, setting Mrs. Alenko down again gently.

“Jane – come here. Mom, I’d like you to meet the woman I love, Jane Shepard.”

Her face heated up at that, but in a pleasant way. That was Kaidan – always so honest, so sincere with his words, as though his affection for her was the most natural thing in the world. It always had a way of disarming her.

Her feet moved forward clumsily, and she smiled at Mrs. Alenko, offering a hand in greeting.

“It’s an honor to meet you, Mrs. Alenko. Kaidan’s told me a lot about you.”

The older woman glanced at her for but a moment, cheeks wet with happy tears, before pulling her in for a hug. Shepard was shocked, awkwardly still for a moment, before returning the embrace just as tightly.

“I’ve waited so long to meet you.” Mrs. Alenko said quietly into her shoulder, her hands gripping her close. Kaidan was smiling brightly behind them, a curious expression on his face.

Shepard pulled back gently, gazing at her in surprise. “I guess he’s told you about me, huh.”

“Well, yes, of course. But that’s not quite what I mean.” Mrs. Alenko straightened herself, running her fingers down her arms before clasping their hands together tightly. “While it’s an honor to meet you, Commander Shepard, and while Kaidan has told me a lot about you – I’ve been waiting a long time to meet the person that he’d fall in love with. I always knew she’d be a special woman.”

She flushed slightly again, overwhelmed by the warmth and honesty that she saw in Mrs. Alenko’s eyes. She could see where Kaidan got his inherent goodness from.

“Please, it’s Jane.” She said softly, grinning beside herself.

“Jane. Forgive me, when your son decides to date the most famous name in all the galaxy, it’s a difficult habit to break out of.” Mrs. Alenko said wryly, releasing her hands but still gazing curiously up at her. “Thank you. For bringing him home, for bringing him back to me.”

She blinked, surprised. “I – I’m afraid I had nothing to do with that, ma’am. I’m as happy to have him home as you are.”

“No, Jane. _You_ brought him home.” Mrs. Alenko smiled warmly over at her son, who glanced back at her embarrassedly. “I know Kaidan. The reason he fought so hard to get back here wasn’t just to make it back to Earth. It was so he could make it back to you. He’s like his father, that way. Alenko’s are strong men, but they care very deeply.”

“ _Mom_.” Kaidan interjected, his cheeks pink.

“Don’t _‘mom’_ me. You know I’m right.” She quipped back with a laugh, releasing Shepard’s hands from her own. “Now please – Kaidan, go grab the bags. Jane can come with me. I’ve been cooking all day for you, and I don’t intend on letting either of you out of my sight until your stomachs are bursting.”

Shepard smiled all the way into the house, relishing in the pleasant breeze that rolled through the apple trees.

/////

“You see that tree out there? The one that’s shorter than the rest?”

Shepard peered out of the kitchen window, nodding eagerly. 

“There’s a reason why that tree had to be replanted. Kaidan was only six years old. It was as fun of an age for him as much as it was for me.” Mrs. Alenko smirked, sending a look his way, to which he was already chuckling guiltily.

“Come on, a six-year-old kid being able to throw things around on a whim? You bet your ass I did it every chance I could.” He said shrugging, spreading jam on another piece of toast. While herself and Mrs. Alenko had put their plates down long ago, Kaidan was still occupied with putting at much food into his mouth as possible. Biotics, Shepard through wryly.

“Yes, well, he managed to get into his father’s ammunition box in the barn out there. He _also_ discovered that if you throw incendiaries hard enough, they explode.”

“Kaidan – _no_.” She said, looking at him with wide eyes. He put his hands up ruefully, still smirking as he chewed.

“Oh, yes. I walked into the kitchen here and couldn’t believe my eyes. The damn tree was on _fire_ , and there Kaidan was, dumbstruck and still glowing blue all over.” She was laughing heartily, shaking her head as she refilled their coffee cups. “After all these years, it never quite caught up to the others. Makes me laugh every time I see it.”

“I always imagined having a child in general would be a lot of work, but a young biotic – I imagine that presented a whole new set of problems.” Shepard said, eyeing Kaidan playfully.

“Hey, now, I was pretty good for the most part.” He protested, swallowing thickly. “Just, you know – the occasional burnt tree or tireless tractor from time to time.”

“Tireless – what?”

“Uh – nevermind.” He quickly backtracked, helping himself to another bite instead while Mrs. Alenko looked on, smiling fondly.

“Take her for a tour after you finish, Kaidan.” She gestured around the house, already piling a few dishes in her hands. “ _If_ you ever finish, that is.”

“You’re the one who made food enough for an entire army.”

“I had you for a son, I knew what to expect.”

He smirked at that, eyeing Jane humorously. 

“I can help with the dishes.” She said, standing and attempting to grab a few empty cups from around the table. Mrs. Alenko grabbed her around the wrist sharply, shaking her head with a smile.

“Nonsense. You’re our guest. And I happen to know that Kaidan is dying to show you around.”

Jane smiled under the older woman’s gaze, the warm brown of her eyes both familiar and comforting. Kaidan pushed back his chair, reaching for her hand – an invitation. She took it eagerly, sending Mrs. Alenko another grateful smile as they left the kitchen.

She returned it eagerly.

/////

“I used to come out here with my dad and his family. They would always get me to use my biotics to grab the apples from the top of the tree, where its hardest to reach, see.”

He pointed above the leaves, and she saw the bright pops of red that burgeoned at the highest point.

“Sounds like you were pretty useful. Kaidan Alenko the farm boy, who would have thought.”

He chuckled at that, his voice rich and an extra spring in his step. They were walking down one of the long aisles between the trees, the sun almost reaching its highest point in the sky. He was so calm out here, she realized. He’d been thrilled from the moment they’d landed back home in Vancouver, of course, but being in this place, amongst so many happy memories – he was exuberant. 

It was contagious. She hadn’t stopped smiling since they landed.

“Yeah, well, just don’t go telling anybody. It would ruin my tough image.”

“Tough image? You? Nah, everyone already thinks you’re a big softie.” She teased, swaying her hips into his, laughing along with him.

“Maybe you’re right. Although in my defense, next to Garrus and James, it’s hard to look all that tough. Too much macho in one place with those two around.”

“That, I can agree with. Although, is it odd that I sort of miss sparring with James? I’ll have to call him up when we get back.” She said wistfully, and he hummed in agreement.

“I did plenty of sparring in your absence. And I’ll have you know, we ranked almost 50-50. So don’t underestimate the softie.” He said cajolingly, breathing deeply as another breeze rolled through. “Damn, I missed this. The Normandy might have filtered air, but it’s not the same as the real thing. It’s just – fresh, clean. Home, you know?”

“I know. Especially out here, away from – from all the destruction. It almost feels like none of it even happened.” She said quietly. Beside her, he hummed as though agreeing. Silent for a few moments, she pondered over her thoughts, content to feel her heels dig into the fresh soil. When Kaidan opened his mouth again to speak a few moments later, his voice was laden with a somber overtone.

“Thank you for coming here with me, Jane.” 

She glanced at him from the corner of her eye, smiling softly. “I told you I would. And, I’m happy to be here.”

“I know.” He chuckled and sighed, his voice raspy. “It just still feels a bit like a dream, you know? That after everything – I can still share this moment with you. It’s all I ever wanted. So, thank you.”

A warm feeling blossomed from her chest and she slipped her hand into his, content when his fingers twined easily with hers.

“I wouldn’t miss this for anything.”

/////

“Is it alright if you two ladies hold down the fort for a while? I think I need to take a quick nap.”

Kaidan’s voice cut out between the trees, and Shepard had to rearrange more than a few branches to see his face. He had a familiar expression, with one hand up to guard the beating afternoon sun off his face. It was another humid afternoon, and the three of them had taken to apple-picking for a better part of the day.

“Migraine?” She said knowingly, and he nodded. “Do you need some company, or is it alright?”

“I’ll be okay. Thank you, though. It’s just starting, I think if I get some quick sleep it will just roll over.” He smiled up at her appreciatively, wiping some dirt off his pants before stepping his way down the ladder.

Beside her, Mrs. Alenko frowned slightly but didn’t say anything.

“Alright. I’ll come check on you in an hour.” Shepard said, still eyeing him warily. He grinned, nodding his head and heading back to the house, one hand still up to keep the sun from his eyes.

“Does he still get migraines often?” Mrs. Alenko asked after a moment, resuming her picking. She sighed, contemplating.

“No. Not very often. At least, not bad ones. He’s gotten very good at recognizing when one is coming along. We’ve developed a few tricks to keep them at bay – sleeping is usually best.” She finally said, smiling encouragingly.

Mrs. Alenko hummed in acknowledgement, but didn’t say anything. Shepard was content, just like this – it felt nice to get her hands dirty, to feel the ripe fruit in her hands, to feel soft soil under her nails. It all felt very human. She felt like she was reacquainting herself with something very familiar, something long forgotten.

“He would get terrible migraines, as a child. Sleeping never helped. Nothing did.” Mrs. Alenko finally spoke, so soft that Shepard almost missed it amidst the soft ruffling of the leaves. “This was before he went to BAaT, before he got his implant. There’s a reason we only ever had one child, his father and I. I’m sure Kaidan must’ve told you, how he was exposed?”

“There was an accident, over Singapore. You were exposed to element zero, right?”

“That’s right. From the get-go, everything was touch and go. We worried, simply waiting for him to be born. We were lucky – no tumors, no cancer. At first we thought it would be fine.” Mrs. Alenko sighed, stilling. “But as he got older, things were always different with Kaidan. He would always get these – these headaches, terrible ones. Sometimes he’d be in his room for days. We tried everything – medications, therapy, but nothing seemed to help. It broke my heart, as a mother. To watch your child suffer and not know why.”

Shepard stopped, listening intently. She felt her own heart break a bit, imagining Kaidan suffering the way he did. It was no wonder he’d never told her these stories – surely they were memories he wanted to forget.

“I would – I used to go into his room, lay with him on his bed. This was before he got too cool for that, you know how boys are.” Mrs. Alenko chuckled at that, and Shepard smirked. “I would rub his temples for him until he fell asleep. It was the only thing that would help him, however small. It didn’t get rid of the pain, just – made it bearable, I think. Enough for him to go to sleep, anyway.”

“I – I do that now. Sometimes, when they get bad.” Shepard cut in, surprised. “I never realized – well, he never said you used to do the same thing.”

“You do?” Mrs. Alenko blinked, surprised, a warm smile on her face. “That doesn’t surprise me. Kaidan was very young, he may not even remember. But that means a lot to me – that makes me happy, to know that still helps him.”

Shepard smiled at that, too.

“He was such a sweet boy, from the very beginning. I think because of the pain he went through, he was always so cautious about causing harm to others. So gentle, and kind. He never had a mean bone in his body, that boy. But he struggled to make friends – it’s difficult, when you’re gone from school for days at a time. Eventually we just had him home-schooled. Just for a year, before BAaT took him away. The other kids weren’t always kind to him. You know how kids get – they reject anything that’s outside of the ordinary, and Kaidan was anything but ordinary. Before his implant, he would – he could use his biotics, just very uncontrollably. Most of the time he tried to hide it, but it wasn’t always possible. He’d toss things off shelves by accident, lift items up in the air, jump too far to be…normal.”

She sighed, resuming her picking, but slowly. Shepard remained still, listening intently.

“Then one day, BAaT representatives showed up at our door. Promised to help him. It sounded great, at the time. How could it not? They said the implants would help mediate the headaches, that it would help him control his capabilities. At that point, his father and I were willing to do anything to help. And since it was an Alliance-funded program, we had no reason to believe it wouldn’t be safe.”

“You had no way of knowing it wouldn’t be.” Shepard said quietly, when Mrs. Alenko was quiet for too long a moment. The other woman sighed, but continued.

“You’re right. We didn’t see or hear from Kaidan for over two years. I would get intermittent messages from him, but they felt – well, they didn’t feel genuine. They were too scripted, too polished and impersonal. I had a feeling they were being monitored by Conatix, and while his father and I tried everything we could to get in contact with him, we were bound in by fine print. Said it was in the kids’ best interests to develop themselves all in due course.”

“That must have been terrible.”

“It was. I was so worried – he was such a gentle person, but he’s always felt so much. I was worried they would push him too hard. That maybe, they would run him out of his kindness.” Mrs. Alenko brushed a piece of hair from her eyes, silent. “When he returned – well. We were fortunate that he was even alive. When he finally told us what had happened – about the kids who had died, and about that poor girl. But mostly, I was worried about how Kaidan was coping with what he had done. It was his actions, you know, that shut the program down. When that – that instructor was killed. It wasn’t his fault, but he always felt that it was.”

“I know. He’s…well, he’s talked about it with me. Not much, but even now he still…”

“Hmm.” Mrs. Alenko nodded, spinning an apple in her hands thoughtfully. “Well, they hadn’t taken away his good heart. But they did break it, a bit. He never wanted to hurt anyone. His headaches were more manageable, his biotics were – incredible. But he was so very lost.”

“I heard you took him out here, to help him recover.”

“That’s right.” Mrs. Alenko smiled at that, glancing at her between the trees. “It was amazing. He just blossomed here. When I saw that, I packed more of our things and we ended up spending an entire year out here, just him and I. His father came by to visit regularly, of course, but that was one of the best years of my life. Just spending time with my son. Watching him find himself again. Being able to watch him finally sleep, to make peace with himself, gain his confidence back. I’m so proud of him.”

“Were you surprised, when he wanted to join the Alliance?”

“Actually, no.” She chuckled, looking up at the sky thoughtfully. “He always wanted to help people. It was the same goal he’s had his whole life. He did the impossible – he took a tough situation, he learned from it, made peace with it – and found a way to make it something positive. I think, in his mind, if he could give back to people, to save others with his biotics, that it would make it right with what had happened at BAaT.”

“I can see that.”

“His father – I miss him so much. He was such a good man. He always taught Kaidan, that you can’t make an assumption about anything based on one bad experience. His whole life, whenever Kaidan would have a hard day, or go through something painful, his father would always tell him to look at the bigger picture. Does one man shape an entire race? Does one experiment account for an entire research team? Does one bad call bring down an entire military system?” Mrs. Alenko smiled, remembering. 

“That always stuck with him. His father spent months reminding him of that, after what happened at BAaT. So to be honest, I was always so proud of him when he wanted to join the Alliance. Because it told me more than the simple fact that he wanted to help people. It meant that he didn’t hold any ill will to other aliens, that he didn’t disregard the Alliance’s goals because of his bad experience. He always let himself gather the evidence for himself before reaching an opinion about anyone.”

“I’m sorry I never got a chance to meet him. He sounds like a wonderful man. Kaidan…was so lucky to have both of you.” Shepard said softly, wistfully.

“He would have loved you.”

“That means a lot to me, that you think that.” She said wryly, smiling at her appreciatively.

“No, I _know_ that. You’re just the kind of person he would have wanted Kaidan to have been with. Someone – someone smart. Someone strong, and I don’t mean physically. Someone who can see the good in people, who stands up for what they believe in.” Mrs. Alenko smiled at her, her expression coy. “Someone who could bring out the laughter in him. He needs that – Kaidan can be so serious, sometimes. Reserved, after everything that he’s been through. I always wanted him to find someone who could really make him open up, make him laugh. He – he’s laughed so much, being here with you. I’ve never seen that before.”

She smiled, her stomach twisting pleasantly at her words. “He makes me happy. The happiest I’ve ever felt. He’s a good man. People like him, people with his inherent goodness – they’re rare. I’ve never felt so…lucky.”

Mrs. Alenko smiled warmly at her, reaching a hand between the trees to clasp a hand over hers.

“He told me the same thing this morning about you, you know.”

She smiled for the rest of the afternoon, the warm sun basking on them, their contented silence broken up by the whistling of the wind through the trees.

/////

Three hours later, with sore arms and buckets full of ripe apples, they made their way back to the house to find Kaidan sprawled out haphazardly across the couch, his arm over his eyes.

He was sound asleep.

Smiling at her, Mrs. Alenko snuck quietly into the kitchen, turning the tap on to begin rinsing their spoils. Shepard sat gingerly on the edge of the couch, placing feather-light touches through his hair and around his temples.

He stirred, lifting his arm just enough to gaze up at her blearily.

“Hey there.” She said, smiling. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“S’no problem. I always like waking up to you.” He muttered back, his voice hoarse from sleep. “How long was I out?”

“Five bushels worth, otherwise known in Earth time as three hours.” She replied cheekily, and he chuckled.

“Quite the haul.”

“You sound surprised. How do you feel?”

“Good. Really good, actually. I think I caught it in time. It’s just a light throbbing now.” He smiled, sitting up a bit, clasping a hand in hers. “You have fun with mom?”

She stilled at that, thinking. She spoke honestly. “We had a great time.”

“Really?”

“Really, really. I think we’re gonna have to come back here again sooner than later. I’m having way too much fun for this to be a one-time thing.”

“Hmm.” He smiled brightly at that, his teeth flashing for a moment. “That makes me happy to hear.”

“Mhmm. She’s about to show me how to make the world’s best apple pie, apparently.”

“You’re in for a treat.” He warned her. “One taste and you’ll do nothing but eat pie for three damn days.”

“I can’t wait.” She leant down, kissing his lips softly. “You know, I’ve never had apple pie.”

“You’ve never – _what_?” He shot up at that, gazing at her incredulously. “You’re _kidding_.”

“Unfortunately, I am not.” She laughed. “Life on the streets didn’t exactly privy me to expensive treats like that. And I didn’t exactly have any family to celebrate holidays with. I did try pumpkin one time, though. Pretty delicious.”

“Pumpkin has _nothing_ on apple. My god, Jane. If I’d known – mom is going to die when she finds out.” His eyes softened suddenly, pondering. “You’ve – there’s a lot you missed out on, growing up. I want to make sure you experience it all.”

“Aren’t I little old for that now?” She teased, smiling.

“You’re never too old to try new things. I’m going to have to rethink our itinerary, here. There’s a lot – well. There’s a lot of fun things we’ll have to try while we’re out here. And I want to do them all with you.”

She gazed down at him, saw the earnest expression on his face. She thought about Mrs. Alenko, having spent his entire childhood worried about everything from his constant pain, the constant ridicule, and the constant trauma. She saw how good of a man he was, how selfless and kind and genuine, in spite of _everything_.

She felt like the luckiest woman in the world. She wanted to make sure that he always felt the exact same way.

“Alright, Kaidan. Let’s be kids again.”

He pulled her down for a happy kiss, smiling against her lips.

/////

By the time they made it back up to his room, covered in dirt and giggling down the hallway, it was well past dark. They stumbled into his bedroom, holding hands and sporting matching grins, closing his door behind them with a snap.

“Alright, Alenko. You win. I never realized how much fun a waterhole could be.”

“Told you. Although, I would like to point out that I think it’s only this much fun because we’re doing it together.” He kissed at her nose. When she made to turn the light on, he grabbed at her fingers, pulling back sharply. “Wait, come here.”

He tugged her gently to the window, pulling the blinds up slowly so to keep the noise quiet.

“Room with a view.” He said wryly, gazing at her from the corner of his eye. She gasped – the moon was huge, luminescent, the skies clear. It spilled dark light into the room, casting a shade of blue over their skin. It was stunning.

“It’s unnerving, a bit. Being down here, looking up at the moon like this. Makes it all seem so impossible, so far away. And yet – we’ve been up there, we’ve walked on that rock, together. It feels so – distant, seeing it this way.” She said quietly, in awe.

“I know what you mean.” She’d sidled up to the windowsill, perching her forearms against the wood, and he tucked himself up behind her, resting his chin on her shoulder and encasing their hands together. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it.”

“It really is. I mean, I always knew it was, but sometimes – sometimes, you forget.”

“I know. That’s why I love it here. Helps to remind me of what we fought for. What we won.” He swallowed heavily, pressing a kiss against her cheek. “We won all of this, Jane. Earth is here, and we can gaze up at our moon every night because of what you accomplished. It’s – amazing.”

“What we accomplished. I couldn’t have done it with you, without all of you.” She spoke quietly, closing her eyes when a warm breeze rolled over them. She felt him smile against her skin. “Thank you for coming back.”

“I love you.” He said simply. “I don’t think I could ever say it enough. I just want you to always know that. I’ll always come back for you.”

“I love you, too. Thank you for bringing me here. For showing me this – for showing me you.” She sighed softly, feeling a familiar warmth begin to pool low in her belly when he planted soft kisses against her neck.

His lips curved into a smile against her skin, as though sensing the change of mood. He shuffled his feet, pressing himself even closer. His thumbs began rubbing soothing circles onto the back of her hands, and he continued his assault along her hairline, his mouth brushing so lightly it caused her skin to prickle from the sensation.

She moaned – she couldn’t help it – arching her back to push into his groin innocently. He chuckled against her skin, the stirring of his arousal already pressing into her.

“You’re so beautiful, you know that?” He whispered into her ear, and she closed her eyes, smiling.

“You aren’t so bad yourself.”

“Is that so?”

“Mhmm.” She turned her neck, offering better access for him to continue his ministrations. “Definitely wouldn’t complain if you took off that shirt of yours. Maybe the pants, too.”

He laughed, running a hand up along her arm, grazing the side of her breast and coming to a stop at the curve of her waist. “I like you like this. Out here, I mean. You seem so – relaxed. It suits you.”

“I like it, too.” She turned her head, capturing his lips in a quick kiss. “I really would like to come back here. We could make this a regular thing. It’s nice to do…normal things. To not worry about anything. To just… _be_.”

He was staring at her raptly, his expression open and earnest. The light from the open window cast a bluish hue over his skin – it reminded her faintly of his biotics. The shadows accentuated all the familiar curves of his face – the hard jaw, the high cheekbones, the dark arch of his brows. He was so handsome, so _good_.

She was overwhelmed with the sudden need to feel him moving inside of her, to feel that closeness they could only share in those moments.

He seemed to share that sudden sentiment. He leant his forehead against hers, placing feather-light kisses against her lips until she opened her mouth, welcoming him in, an offer he took eagerly. He made a soft sound of contentment, sliding his tongue up against hers in a familiar gesture.

Their kiss was languid, slow – they were in no rush, and they relished in it. One large hand gripped her forearm against the windowsill for a moment, silently requesting that she stay in this position, while the other slowly skirted around the edge of her t-shirt. She complied – her back arched upwards, and he slowly danced his fingers up along the skin of her back, revealing her creamy skin to the moonlight as he lifted the fabric up and over her head.

His lips kissed along the curve of her spine, from her neckline all the way down to the top of her jeans. He unbuttoned them slowly, crouching behind her to tug the material down her legs and off her bare feet. He was running his hands up the muscles of her legs, pressing gentle kisses to the backs of her thighs, the globes of her ass; his fingers trailing along her skin until she erupted in goosebumps all over.

“ _Ah_.” She gasped as his hands slid under her bra unexpectedly, cupping her breasts in his palms. The clip unhooked with a twist of his fingers, the fabric falling away down her arms, of which she rid herself of quickly.

He knelt behind her again, peeling off her panties, a slight intake of breath the only sound he made as he pulled the thin fabric out from between her thighs and down her shaking legs. His fingers stroked her eagerly, parting her folds so softly she almost wasn’t certain he was even touching her.

“So beautiful.” He mumbled quietly, entering a finger inside of her partly. She moaned, spreading her legs subtly as though to encourage him. He planted kisses all around the backside of her – the inside of her thighs, the juncture of skin where her buttocks curved up in tight muscle, his breath warm as it finally hovered over her center.

“ _Kaidan_.” She breathed his name, exhaling softly as he placed a gentle kiss to her folds, sliding his tongue between them. He lapped at her once, twice, a few times – and then he pulled back, standing upwards with heavy-lidded eyes.

She glanced at him, saddened by his departure, but he smiled gently at her as he removed his own clothing swiftly. It was quiet – all she could hear was the rustling of his shirt as it came over his head, the clinking of his buckle coming loose, the small sigh he gave when he released his erection from the confines of his briefs.

He wasted no time in lining himself up. He gripped his cock tightly in one hand, using the other to guide himself inside of her with one smooth stroke. They both groaned – the deep rumbling of his chest could be felt through her skin as he sunk himself flush, pressing into her back and enfolding her within his arms once more.

She felt cocooned and full all at the same time. Kaidan had his hips pressed flush against hers, his cock buried as deep as she could take him. His body was draped over hers, mirroring her position as they stood, leaning forward to rest their forearms on the windowsill. He entwined their fingers against the wood, burying his face into the hair along the side of her neck. The moonlight spilled out over both of them – the sky was alight with stars, a soft breeze from the river rolling in and tightening her nipples.

She felt so safe. Safe, and warm, and full, and cared for. It was a glorious feeling. It could only really get better if –

“ _Ah_.” She moaned again, sighing as he moved his hips experimentally, thrusting back into her shallowly. Their position made the angle tight, and his arousal rubbed tantalizingly against her clitoris with every stroke.

“You feel…so good, Jane.” He huffed out, exhaling heavily against her neck, kissing the skin their eagerly while his hands gripped her tightly. He set a slow pace – they were in no rush, after all, content to explore each other thoroughly, to ravish one another in every sensation.

So she felt him, felt everything, took in every tiny moment and relished in it. The easy way that he would thrust himself into her, how safe she felt cocooned in his arms, the tender kisses he placed along her cheek, her neck, her jaw – wherever he could reach. He whispered everything and nothing into her ear – sounds of contentment, murmurs of how good she felt wrapped around him, words of how beautiful she was, a hundred _‘I love you’_ s that would never get old.

It didn’t take her long to crumple in his arms, her hand wrapped tightly around his. Her back arched and he encouraged her softly, increasing his rhythm just enough to send her over the edge. She called out his name into the night, her toes curling over the baseboards.

He followed suit not long after, bringing a hand to her waist and holding her still as he drove himself deep, crying out her name in a flash of blue, his biotics rippling over their entwined fingers.

They stayed there together, enjoying how the breeze cooled their warm skin, catching their uneven breath. Her eyes were drooping – she felt sated and sleepy. He chuckled, easing himself out of her and helping her to his bed. Crouching low, he helped tuck her beneath the covers, the smooth sheets comforting against her exhausted body.

She sensed him leave her for a few moments, returning to gently clean the mess they’d made between her legs with a warm towel. Satisfied, he crawled up beside her, wrapping her into his arms so she lay with her back to his chest, her eyes facing outside the window.

“Beautiful view.” She mumbled, and he hummed in agreement, his eyes on her.

“Yeah, it is.”

It was the most relaxing sleep of her life, cocooned in Kaidan’s arms, a tender throbbing between her thighs, her body pliant and warm against his as a soft breeze trickled in through the window. The last thing she saw before she fell asleep was their hands tangled together beneath the light of the moon.


	19. Entry 33: Reinstatement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2187  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“As senior officers, you both know better than to dally in something as trivial as fraternization. That’s covered in basic training for shit’s sake.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

They stood outside Hackett’s office, backs straight and hands clasped tightly in their lap. Despite their age, despite their experience, and despite the fact that the two of them had quite literally saved the galaxy from the brink of destruction – they still felt like two kids about to be scolded by their principal.

She took a deep breath, felt her tags wrestle beneath her Alliance formal wear – _Kaidan’s_ dog tags, to be exact – and she heard the similar metal sound clinking innocently against his chest of her own tags that were currently around his neck.

Kaidan looked at her from his position beside her, gazing at her from the corner of his eye with an anxious smirk. Clearly, he felt the same way he did. Why did they feel so _nervous?_

But she already knew the answer to that question. The past few years felt all a bit of a blur to her now, one year mixing with the rest; hell, she’d been _dead_ for a few of them. With the Reapers knocking on their figurative front door for the past eighteen months, life had gained a few new shades of impropriety than previously accepted.

The Alliance was up and running again now, Hackett having been coordinating units into the slow process of priority numbers one and two: prepare adequate supplies and shelter for those still alive, and begin repairing the mass relays. Forces that had been stuck stranded in the Sol System after the catalyst had blown ten months ago were now amassing under the leadership of Hackett as well.

The sooner everyone worked together on this, the sooner everyone went home. Earth had begun to look more familiar to the wards of the still-fragmented Citadel, what with the influx of asari, turians, quarians, salarians, and krogans currently taking temporary residence.

They were finally ready to rejoin the rebuilding efforts as well. Kaidan had successfully traversed their crew back home to Earth after ten long months of traveling at FTL, with limited supplies and com access. She, on the other hand, had spent much of that time in a medically induced coma courtesy of one Miranda Lawson, and the rest recuperating from the sanctity of her medical room.

Yes, she supposed, looking over at Kaidan once more as he released yet another impatient sigh. They were ready to rejoin the Alliance, to rejoin the fight. Only this time, they were no longer fighting. It felt good knowing they would be utilizing their talents with minimal expected casualties.

There was just one problem to deal with, first. Their reinstatement was one thing – Shepard assumed that both herself and Kaidan would be apt to receive a formal promotion soon, what from their war efforts and also from the general shortage of command officials left – but their current predicament was quite another.

Fraternization regs seemed infinitely less daunting with the prospect of impending death than they did in everyday operations. And now that the Alliance was for all intents and purpose back up and running to its optimal capacities, Shepard really began to question for the first time whether they were about to be scolded silly for their behavior.

“Commander Shepard? Major Alenko? You can come in now.” A young marine stepped out of Hackett’s office, a pleasant and slightly awed smile on his young face. They stood eagerly, straightening their jackets, saluting the young man as they walked inside the office door. Shepard noticed Kaidan’s minute chuckle when he saw the blush on the marine’s face, saluting crisply back at them.

Hackett was facing out of his window, hands clasped behind his back, gazing at the wreckage that was once Alliance headquarters. Shepard knew that his current office had previously been nothing more than an old accounting nook, but at this point any room that had a solid roof over its head made for a more than efficient command post. They stood shoulder to shoulder, raising arms in respectful salute.

“Sir.” Kaidan said sharply, folding his own hands in a similar gesture behind his back.

“At ease, marines. You may both sit down.” Hackett said warmly, turning to catch their eyes. Once they had both settled in their chairs, he turned and joined them at his position behind his desk, fingers entwined carefully on the tabletop.

“Earth owes you both a large favor, to say nothing of the galaxy. I’ve been looking forward to this day.” Hackett finally said, a smile tugging at his worn face.

“Thank you, sir. We couldn’t have done it without your help. You led the way, we just did what we had to do.” Shepard said honestly. His sharp blue eyes gazed at her quietly for a moment.

“What you ended up having to do, Shepard, almost cost you your life. You may not want to believe it, but that is a debt the people of Earth will spend the rest of eternity trying to make amends for.” Beside her, she saw Kaidan beam with pride at Hackett’s words. Her own humble perspective on her actions would always remain the same, but the pride she saw in these two men struck a chord within her.

“I…thank you, sir. That means a lot to me, to know you feel that way. We’re eager to get back to work.”

“I’m glad to hear it. You’re both invaluable marines, to say nothing of the…public morale your names now provide, as well.”

“Sir?” Kaidan enquired with a quirked brow.

“Don’t be so surprised, Major. Sure, Shepard has been a well-known figure for some time now, but your successful navigation of bringing the Normandy home, despite all odds, has sparked hope into people’s lives. There are a lot of lost ships out there. Seeing you bring your team home has renewed a fresh sense of hope into others who are still waiting.” Hackett explained calmly. “Truly, that is where both your strengths lie best at the moment. Instilling hope. And that is a very good thing, because we need hope now more than ever.”

Kaidan contemplated this, nodding his head respectfully. “Thank you, sir. Wherever we can help best is where we’d like to be.”

“Glad to hear it, Major. Now, I’ll be honest with you both. The Alliance may be back up and running, but in reality the politics are still a mess. No one has heard from any of the Citadel councilors and we have no way of knowing if they evacuated the Citadel before the Reapers brought it into Earth’s orbit. We have military leaders from all Citadel races, with no one to delegate in an over-arching role. I’ve done my best to facilitate from here on Earth, and we have welcomed a pseudo-council consisting of the highest-ranking officers from each race.”

Hackett stood up again, pacing near his window as he prattled on.

“You two could not have requested reinstatement at a better time. The Reaper threat caused each of us to work together in a way that has never been seen before, but now that the dust has settled…well, understandably, each race is most eager to begin reconstruction of the relays most pertinent to their own way home. Stretching our limited resources on half a dozen different relays seems to be an inefficient method of achieving our goal, but my ideas are falling on homesick ears.”

He sighed, the lines weary around his face as he stroked a hand on his chin absentmindedly.

“This is where I need your help.”

“You say the word, sir. You know the situation better than we do.” Shepard said, unsurprised by the current state of affairs.

“You’re both Council Spectres.” Hackett said simply. “Granted, your both _human_ Council Spectres, but Spectres nonetheless. The fact that you just saved everyone from an untimely death helps to limit whatever racial bias that others may have bestowed upon you or your interests, as does the fact that we are already sitting on our home soil. It is my hope that our motivations will therefore appear perfectly neutral.”

“You’d like us to help coordinate the reconstruction of the relays, sir.” She said, watching as he smiled at her understanding.

“Exactly.”

“Do you have any advice on how we should begin, sir? Aside from the Local Cluster relay, there are various others that would require attention to ensure people can begin their journeys home.” Kaidan inquired thoughtfully, a calculating expression on his face. “So far as I can imagine, it would make most sense to begin connecting relays back towards the Widow Nebula. The krogan, asari, and turian home planets all reside in that direction.”

“I couldn’t agree more, Major.” Hackett said simply. “Upon your reinstatement, I will leave it up to you two to decide the best course of action. You are the ones best acquainted with their officials, the names most recognizable to their leaders. Something tells me you will have much better luck coordinating group efforts than I have been able to thus far.”  
“Will we have access to the Normandy for this mission, sir?”

“Like I said, Commander. Your greatest asset at this moment is hope. So yes, of course. I am not only personally requesting it, I am ordering you both on behalf of the Alliance to carry out this mission from the sanctity of the Normandy.” Hackett smiled wearily, closing his eyes in a gentle sigh. “The Normandy itself is now a name almost as famous as yourselves. You’ll need it to help play in your favor.”

“I can and I will forward you both the details of your assignment as soon as I am able. This mission will be unlike any other, in that it is open-ended. You are both symbols of hope and peace in this galaxy. You have free rein to carry this mission out in any way that you see fit. I would think that any help you may be fortunate enough to gather from your previous crew may benefit you in this endeavor, too. Certainly, the various races and familiar faces that you had loyally working alongside you will help to encourage others to work in a similar manner.”

“I would still insist on weekly reports, and of course there is the issue of your ranks. You will both be promoted to Captain status at our earliest convenience.” Hackett smirked then, taking in their rapt attention eagerly. “The Alliance may be lacking the resources necessary for a traditional commendation ceremony, but I’ll be sure to arrange a proper one as soon as we are able.”

“That’s not a problem at all, sir. I’m honored. We both are.” Kaidan said eagerly.

“There is also the issue of the nature of your relationship to one another.” Hackett continued on, watching as they both sat a little taller at his words. They knew better than to question his meaning.

“At ease. I’m not here to reprimand you. I honestly can’t afford to.” He continued on, chuckling softly. “I won’t lie and tell you that I’m not without my disappointment. As senior officers, you both know better than to dally in something as trivial as fraternization. That’s covered in basic training for shit’s sake.”

Beside her, Kaidan swallowed roughly. She, meanwhile, was trying to withhold an untimely bout of laughter threatening to bubble up from her throat.

“But I know how it feels, when the grim reality of the end of your life is staring at you right in the face. I know what it means, in that moment, to hold those you love close to you.” Hackett sighed again, shaking his head with a small smile. “I’ve seen the…love, you two seem to share. I’m not about to get in the way of that. Not after everything you’ve done for the Alliance, for Earth, for every life in this galaxy. You two have earned the spoils of winning this war more than anyone.”

If he noticed the blush creeping onto Kaidan’s face, he said nothing.

“And, you are Council Spectres, after all.” Hackett continued with a raised brow, speaking slowly. “It is technically above my paygrade to be giving either of you orders.”

“Maybe so, sir, but we still respect your authority nonetheless.” Kaidan interjected. “And we greatly appreciate that, sir. We assure you that the nature of our relationship has never interfered with our work, and that isn’t about to change now.”

“Happy to hear that, Major. Sorry – _Captain_ Alenko.” Hackett corrected himself with a pleased smile. “So long as I don’t have to hear stories of blatant fraternization interfering with your mutual command of the Normandy, I’m happy to let you two see fit to do as you please to ensure the ongoing success of this mission.”

“Thank you, sir. Just one last question, if I may.” Shepard asked, a smile hedging at her lips.

Hackett nodded his ascent. “Go ahead, Captain.”

“When would you like us to begin?”

Hackett smiled back, turning to look outside the window once more. Rubble and fallen buildings littered the landscape, but from dust the stubborn persistence of life still flourished. The green of tree tops, the patches of blue sky between the clouds, a bird that fluttered just outside the window. Earth would survive.

“As soon as you are ready, Captain. The Normandy is still undergoing much-needed maintenance repairs after its long drive home, but I’d prefer you two to get started as soon as those repairs are complete. Engineer Adams tells me he is confident she will be back in perfect health within the next two weeks. Meanwhile, I can take the reins on organizing the reconstruction of our home. I need you two to begin the reconstruction of that galaxy you worked so hard to save.”

She smiled, glancing at Kaidan from the corner of her eye. He smiled right back. “There’s no place we’d rather be, Admiral.”

“Happy to hear it. Hackett out.”


	20. Entry 32: [E] Welcome Home, Normandy Crew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2187  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“She continued to fumble at the base of her neck, untangling a second chain out of her shirt. Keenly, and with an eager grin, she gingerly pulled her own tags out, handing it out to him in a gesture similar to his.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: explicit sexual content, explicit language]

**19:37 EST**

_“Harder.”_ She moaned, rolling her head back against the wall with a gasp.

Kaidan all but growled, shifting his hands from their iron-like grip on the outside of her thighs to grasp the cheeks of her ass instead. He buried his face into her neck, cursing eagerly against her hot skin, never stuttering his thrusts. With their renewed leverage he was able to pump up into her hard enough to snap her teeth.

What a sight to behold, she thought wryly in the back of her mind. Here they were, two of the most decorated officers in the Alliance military, fucking like rabbits outside of an abandoned building. All while, just ten feet away in the wall behind them, a homecoming ceremony was ongoing in their honor.

She would have laughed if Kaidan wasn’t fucking her into nothing more than a pile of senses and feeling. She was moaning, a mess in his arms, as he continued to fill her roughly with his hard cock in a relentless rhythm against a dirty, dusty wall.

_“Yes.”_ She hissed her approval as he began to touch something inside of her that was coiling her tighter than a spring. She was clutching at the back of his dress blues desperately, panting for breath, pleading her approval, listening to the sound of flesh on flesh as he fucked her mercilessly.

“God, I can’t get enough of you, you know that? I just _had_ to have you.” He ground out through gritted teeth, gripping the skin of her ass so hard it was almost painful. There was a very good chance his fingerprints would leave a mark.

Not that she was complaining in the slightest.

He’d unbuttoned the top of her military formalwear just enough to expose her bra, his dog tags encased between her breasts which were bouncing against his torso with each of his eager thrusts. One of her legs had been pulled out of the sheathe of her pants, shoe forgotten, as he’d scrambled to shove his own pants down just far enough to pull out his cock.

It was all kind of funny, really. If anyone were to walk out right now, she was sure that the worst they would actually see was the Major’s bare ass pumping its way between her thighs. And if anything, that was a particularly nice view to behold in and of itself.

But the sight of her legs spread open across either side of his hips, bouncing in time with his thrusts, would have certainly given them away.

“Fuck, you feel so good.” He spoke huskily, voice low and strained, a telltale sign he was close. She kissed him feverishly, focusing on the feeling of him entering her, thinking about how uncharacteristically rough and risky this behavior was from him.

“Fuck me like this anytime you want, Major.” She gasped, addicted to the way her body bounced unevenly against the wall as he continued to fill her roughly with his hard and heavy thrusts. She spoke as eloquently as she could, given the lust-fueled state her mind was in. “I want to feel you come deep inside of me.”

_“Fuck.”_ He moaned helplessly at her words, eyes squeezing shut as wisps of blue began to dance cross his pupils. Evidently, he was thinking the same thing. With a quick shuffle, he brought one leg forward slightly to better leverage her on one side. One of his hands crept forward, his callused thumb rubbing her clit mercilessly as he kept up a brutal pace.

_Yes_. She felt her spine snap up as the familiar tendril of pleasure rolled into her center. She gazed at him through heavy lids, thought there was no sexier sight to behold than Kaidan playing her body perfectly with a hungry look in his eyes. And she came, hard, rolling her head forward onto his shoulder, squeezing his cock as a rush of expletives and eager agreement chanted out of her mouth for all the world to hear.

“Fuck, Jane, yes, that’s it.” He moaned hoarsely, a bluish aura enveloping him as he chased his own release. He removed his hand from between her thighs, reaching back to grasp her ass in place once more. Losing all abandon, he thrust into her roughly a few more times, her body pliant and responsive in his arms.

Once, twice, a few more times, and finally a husky moan erupted from his chest. He buried himself deep inside of her, his biotics flaring brightly as he trembled his way through his own release, panting hard.

They stayed like that for several moments, basking in the afterglow amidst heavy breathes. He finally leaned his head down to touch his forehead to hers, a somewhat bewildered expression on his handsome face.

“Well, that was, uh…”

“Amazing? Mind-blowing? I mean it, Kaidan, I should wear my dress blues more often. I had no idea they had such an effect on you.” She said with a smirk. He chuckled bashfully, a flush creeping up his neck.

“I wasn’t too rough, was I?” He asked throatily, raising a hand to cup her cheek gently. She loved that about him. No matter how powerfully he could handle her in the midst of passion, he always came back and treated her as though she was something delicate.

She shook her head in sharp disagreement. “Definitely not. I like this side of you, Major.”

He chuckled again, kissing her lips softly with a sigh. He gingerly pulled himself out of her with a sharp intake of breath, easing her wobbly legs onto the ground carefully. “Well, good. Ten long months was too much time to think about all the things I wanted to do to you.”

He pulled his pants back up over his hips, leaving them unbuttoned so he could crouch down and tend to her, first. “You thought about me, huh? What about?” She asked cheekily as he slipped her shoe back over her bare foot. Teasing him never got old. He eyed her shyly from below her, as though realizing what he’d admitted.

“Mhmm.” He finally said, slipping her foot back into her pant leg and carefully sliding it back up to her hips. “More times than I care to admit.”

“You’re going to have to give me more details than that, Kaidan.” She fitted them back around her waist smartly, already dreading their walk back to the party. She was going to have to find a bathroom as soon as possible, lest she drip the evidence of their dalliance between her legs for the rest of the evening. “I want to hear all of your dirty thoughts, every last one of them.”

He buckled his pants back up, smoothing his blazer as he gave her a tentative look. “And, uh, what could you possibly want with that sort of information, ma’am?”

“What do you think?” She pulled him forward, kissing his swollen lips as gingerly as she could, whispering into his ear. “I want to reenact every single one of them with you.”

He closed his eyes with a groan, shaking his head in disbelief. “Careful, Shepard. I have to go back into this party, remember? How am I going to do that when this is all I’m going to be thinking about?”

“What can I say, Kaidan. Ten months was a long time for me, too.” She smirked, spanning her arms out for his inspection. He tucked a stray piece of hair back into place, dusted some dirt off her back, then nodded his approval. “Now let’s get back in there. We’ve got a few more hands to shake and a couple more babies to kiss until I can have you all to myself again.”

“Aye-aye, ma’am.”

/////  
 **14:29 EST**

“Hey, Jane? Do you have a moment?”

Kaidan’s voice called out to her from her bedroom, to which she twisted her head to peer at him through the bathroom mirror. She was pinning a stubborn piece of her hair into place, twisting it into an elegant bun at her neck.

Well, as elegant as she could, anyway. Hair was never really her strong point.

“Of course.” He sidled up to the doorway, looking so handsome it almost took her breath away. His Alliance blues fit him perfectly, ironed to perfection by his own hands this morning. They slid across the wide expanse of his chest enticingly, snug in all the places she liked to burrow into each evening when they went to sleep. He’d gelled his curls into place, the hint of a five-o-clock shadow beginning to form around his jawline.

“You trying to outdo me, Alenko? Every man, woman, and turian is going to have their heart beat faster at the sight of you.”

He blushed adorably, smiling rather ruefully at her. “Why, thank you. I’m fairly certain, however, that my date for this evening has already captured most of the hearts in the room. _Including_ the one standing right in front of her.” His eyes grazed the hair she’d been struggling with for the past twenty minutes, reaching a hand up to touch it gently. “Your hair looks beautiful. I’ve never seen you do this before.”

“Never really had much of a reason to doll up before now. I’m glad you like it; I almost lost two fingers in the mess of bobby pins required to put this thing together.”

“Well, it suits you. Brings out your eyes. I’m a lucky man.” He smiled at her, a warm look in his eyes. It was a look he always reserved just for her. “I wanted to ask you something, before we head out tonight.”

“Shoot. I’m listening, just let me finish putting on my lipstick, alright?” She leaned back towards the mirror, pouting her lips as she stained them her signature ruby hue. He watched her movements through the mirror, gazing at her in careful contemplation. Finally clearing his throat, he slipped his hand into his pocket, pulling a familiar object from its depths.

“I was wondering, Jane…if you would take these.” He extended his hand towards her, unfurling his fingers enough so she could see the name etched into the metal. They were war-worn and familiar; she didn’t need to look at the engraving to know what it said.

_Major Alenko, Kaidan_  
6782-AC-2817  
O Positive  
Biotic (Model Series: L2) 

She stood stock-still, staring at the little metal as though it suddenly bore new meaning to her. Her eyes caught his in confused wonder. Kaidan appeared somewhat nervous, but stubbornly persistent in his decision, too, if his steady gaze implied anything.

“I…don’t understand.”

“Well, I imagine we’re likely to get new tags made up soon, anyway. They can’t keep you as a Commander forever.” He smirked mischievously before continuing on. “But, listen. I was thinking. We…don’t have to fight anymore, Shepard. We did the impossible. We don’t have to be scared of dying each day.”

He sighed softly, fingering the metal between his fingers apprehensively.

“You made that possible for us. For everyone. I was given these tags during the toughest battle of our lives, and we came out alive on the other side despite _terrible_ odds. I no longer have to worry about these tags saving my life. Now, they’re a symbol of what we won: a future.”

His eyes met hers, bright and warm and inviting. She waited patiently. He always had a lot to say, and she knew better by now than to interrupt. Sometimes it took Kaidan those few extra moments to find precisely the right words. He was as careful with his language as he was with everything else – calculated, logical, cautious.

He always said the right words.

“And I want that future with you, Jane. _You_ are my future. You’ve given that to us. So I want you to have these. I want you to remember what we fought so hard for. Because for me, I fought that fight not just for Earth. I fought that fight for _you_. For a future where I get to hold you in my arms again, every night. And now, that future gets to come true.”

He held out his hand again, an invitation to his ponderings. She looked into his eyes, saw the love that shone so openly in his eyes. He was so confident in his emotions, never shying away from his feelings about her. That sort of passion burned into her heart, evoking a light in her chest that almost made her dizzy with happiness.

She smiled slowly, reaching out to touch the cool metal in her own fingers with a familiar touch. She stroked the engraving gently, bringing the chain up to her chest, just below her heart.

“I can think of no greater honor, Kaidan. I’ll wear them always. I won’t forget what we fought for.” Her voice was throaty, and she reached up to clasp the metal behind her neck, tucking the tag into her blouse to rest upon her breast.

His eyes warmed brightly at her acceptance before his eyebrows raised in confusion. She continued to fumble at the base of her neck, untangling a second chain out of her shirt. Keenly, and with an eager grin, she gingerly pulled her own tags out, handing it out to him in a gesture similar to his.

_Commander Shepard, Jane  
5923-AC-2826  
A Positive_

“You’re my future, too.” She said simply. He set his lips in a sharp line for a moment, taken back by her gesture. His fingers gripped the metal gently, cradling it in his palm. Then he gazed back at her, a beautiful smile overtaking his features. It was with this boyish grin that he clasped the metal behind his neck, tucking it safely into his blazer.

“I love you.” He said huskily.

“I love you, too.” She replied, pressing a knowing hand against his chest. They stared there for a moment, soaking up the moment, content to gaze at one another. He broke the reverie by bending to kiss her cheek, extending an elbow her way.

“You about ready to hit this party, Shepard? A hundred credits says that Garrus is already two turian brandy’s deep at the bar.”

“You’re on Alenko.” She laughed, tucking her hand into his offered arm. “And I bet _another_ hundred that James has already joined him for a few frozen pyjaks.”

“That I don’t doubt.” He chuckled, gazing at her from the corner of his eye. “Let’s go have some fun with our friends. We deserve it.”

/////  
 **15:28 EST**

“About time you two showed up. I was beginning to worry that I’d be good and wasted before I could even remember seeing you.”

“Sorry to keep you waiting, Garrus.” Shepard said, sidling up to an empty barstool, eyeing his half-empty brandy glass whilst sharing a brief smirk with Kaidan. “If it makes you feel any better, you’re looking mighty handsome this evening.”

Garrus rolled his eyes, staring down at his turian formalwear with disdain. “Yes, I _know_ I clean up well, Shepard. But I gotta say, after ten months of wearing nothing but the comfort of my armor, this whole getup is a pain in my ass.”

“Awe, come on now. I’m sure Tali loves it.” Kaidan said comfortingly, signaling a nearby bartender for two beers.

“I know she does, I mean have you seen me? This Palaven-blue brings out my eyes like nothing else.” Garrus flared his mandibles humorously. “She’s wandered off somewhere though, I think she said something along the lines of finding an _‘emergency induction port’_.”

“A what?” Kaidan asked quizzically, pressing an ice-cold beer into Shepard’s hand, who snorted.

“Never mind. Although with that as her goal, it sounds like we’ll be having a fun night. I love drunk Tali!”

“Sure, you love her up until the point where she can’t walk straight. Then it becomes _my_ job to carry her back to bed without rupturing her suit in the process.”

“Ah, love. Isn’t it great?” Shepard winked at him, gazing behind his shoulder arch to take in the sight before them.

“Yes, thanks to you two for encouraging me to, oh, now, what was that human saying? _‘Go for it’_? Anyway, I’ll now be stuck looking for induction-port worthy straws all evening.”

“Port-worthy straws means one happy Tali. Seems like a good bet.” She patted his shoulder comfortingly.

“It most certainly is.” Garrus winked at her, nodding to a spot over her head. “I know my fine-looking self probably detracted your attention away from that corner over there, but it’s worth a look. You two look perfectly normal, but I’m a little disappointed with mine. They used my old C-Sec holo-image, can you believe that? I worked hard for these facial scars, damnit!”

“Holo-images?” Kaidan asked, confused. “What for?”

“I said the same thing. But apparently, slapping our faces on every functioning news channel wasn’t enough for people to recognize us, so just to make sure, they made a lovely service commendation area of the entire crew.” Garrus chuckled dryly and finished his brandy with a quick swig. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a hot date in a particularly beautiful enviro-suit to find.”

“Roger that, Vakarian.” Shepard smiled at him, watching his familiar gait get lost in the crowd.

“The Alliance certainly spared no expenses, huh.” Kaidan mumbled from her shoulder, and she nodded, facing the open room again with wide eyes.

In a weird sense of irony, while Alliance headquarters had been all but obliterated in the initial attack on Earth, Vancouver’s City Hall had remained intact. Admittedly, however, intact was a relative term these days – typically limited to a fully operational roof and relatively few broken windows.

So while the ceilings lacked a fully enclosed patchwork to hide the network of plumbing, and the dusty stretch of walls were cracked and crumbling in some places, and the occasional patch of grass had sprung up between the slats of portable laminate flooring that had clearly been dragged in for the occasion – it was nice.

They’d strung lights in between the rafters, had holographic Alliance symbols littering the walls, and even an Avina prototype in the entranceway offering greetings and directions. There were tables and chairs set up, a dance floor for mingling, and a rich expanse of a bar, stocked full of every citadel favorite liquor, both dextro and non-dextro, to accommodate the many races that littered the floor. A live band was playing smooth jazz in a familiar tune against the far wall, directly beneath an enormous tapestry banner, richly decorated in Alliance colors.

_Welcome Home, Normandy Crew!_

“Huh. Look, Garrus wasn’t kidding about those holo-images.” Shepard mumbled to Kaidan with raised brows. They carried their beers, sidling between a few asaris in deep conversation, pausing at the foot of an enormous table filled with their Alliance service photos. Both herself and Kaidan’s were in the center, slightly larger than the rest, with a brief excerpt on their service history details.

“I’ve been told we’re more than a little famous to the public eye, apparently.” Kaidan replied, voice sounding almost uncomfortable at the prospect. “But did they have to make my photo so, ah, _large_?”

“Well, you did enjoy the position of XO for the past ten months. Besides, you look handsome. Although, they should have taken a recent one. You look so much more dashing with some grey around the temples.” She teased, her eyes roving over Kaidan’s sharp features and directly onto the holo-image of herself. She pulled an unimpressed face. “Look at mine. This was taken right after we’d returned to the Citadel from Eden Prime, right after my Spectre promotion. I look like I haven’t slept for days.”

“You practically hadn’t, if memory serves correct. And just so we’re clear, I still think you look beautiful.”

“Note taken and appreciated, Major. But, why am I even on here? I was stuck in a hospital bed.”

“Well, it wouldn’t really be the Normandy if it didn’t have Commander Shepard, now, would it?” Liara’s soft voice interrupted them, and they turned at the sound. She smiled pleasantly, looking radiant in her traditional asari wear. “It’s good to see you, both of you.”

“You too, Liara. I’m glad to see they had the decency to include all of our non-Alliance members into this embarrassing little display, huh.” Shepard said with a hug, nodding her head to Liara’s image farther down. Liara sighed with a small smile.

“They certainly did. Although, I really wish they hadn’t.”

“Awe, come on now, Liara. Your _real_ identity is still safe with us. To the rest of the galaxy, you’re just the quiet prothean professor.” Kaidan said with a warm grin, to which Liara laughed.

“Yes, if only they knew! Speaking of protheans…” Liara turned around, eyes roving aimlessly until she found what she was looking for. She sighed again, shaking her head with a short laugh. “Well, I found Javik.”

“I’m impressed. You actually convinced Javik to show up?” Kaidan looked behind her as well, eyes curious.

“Mhmm, and sure enough, James has already found him and it would appear that he’s convinced him to partake in some trivial human drinking game.”

“Well, now, that…that sounds more like it.” Shepard said with a laugh. Beside her, Kaidan raised his eyebrows mischievously.

“I do recall making a bet with James, once, that I could hold my liquor better than he could.”

“Well of course you can, you’re a biotic.” Liara said pointedly, as though this were obvious.

“Exactly. But, I don’t think Mr. Vega is quite aware of that fact.”

/////  
 **20:01 EST**

They slipped back into the ballroom, trying discretely to blend in with the crowd as though they hadn’t been missing for twenty minutes.

“ _There_ you are. What were you – you know what, I don’t want to know.” Joker stilled, glancing at both of them suspiciously. Shepard laughed innocently, putting a hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

“Joker, relax. We got stuck talking to a few well-wishers on our way to the washroom. What’s managed to pull your attention away from the beer tournament?” 

“Uh huh. Sure.” His eyes remained narrowed, glancing from one to the other. “I lost to Javik. Turns out having four eyes and eight pupils _does_ give you better hand-eye coordination; can you believe that?”

“Shocking.” She said, smiling. He was clearly more than a little tipsy; he was wobbling a bit, even with his walking cane in position.

“Yeah, well, I’ve been looking all over for you guys. Actually, for Kaidan, specifically. James wants a rematch. Says you cheated with your biotics.” Joker said nonchalantly, to which Kaidan sighed exasperatingly.

“I didn’t – how drunk is he?” He started to protest, cutting himself off as though remembering something.

“On a scale of one to ten? I’d say an eleven.” Joker pointed to the back corner, where a number of familiar faces could be seen amidst the crowd. Kaidan chuckled nervously at that, scratching at the nape of his neck.

“Damn. Maybe I overdid it.”

“What did you do, Alenko?” Shepard asked wryly, crossing her arms. 

“Nothing! We just – you know, had a drinking contest. A little one. He, uh, he begged me for one while we were stuck on the Normandy but it was too irresponsible. But now that we’re home – well.” Kaidan shrugged, smirking.

“So while I got stuck talking to Alliance officials –”

“I got to partake in a krogan drinking challenge with James? Yeah, that sounds about right.” He chuckled again nervously, continuing. “I actually managed to get a little tipsy –”

Shepard smirked at that, to which Joker glared at them both again suspiciously.

“—and sometimes small charges of eezo will flare out. I didn’t use my biotics to help with my ball tosses though, it’s just a side effect of being a biotic, I swear.” He finished, shrugging.

“Yeah, well, he wants another match. I went looking for you just to give my ears a break. Put myself at serious risk of injury just to escape his complaining, _that’s_ how badly he wants it.” Joker said dryly.

Kaidan looked at her exasperatingly, to which Shepard crossed her arms. 

“Don’t look at me; you started this.”

“….Shit. Alright, but we’re gonna have to start serving him water or something.”

/////  
 **19:26 EST**

She’d been enjoying watching her crew engage in a particularly exciting beer pong tournament – after having lost spectacularly to a very enthusiastic Samantha Traynor – when she’d excused herself to grab another couple of beers for herself and Kaidan. He was at the table next, he and James frantically throwing balls into various cups while Wrex eagerly shouted instructions at them after having convinced them to try a krogan drinking game.

Intermittently, they were required to slam a full drink between throwing. It made absolutely _zero_ sense to her, but both men had eager smiles on their faces amidst a growing crowd, their movements rapid and their empty cups slamming onto the table to heavy applause.

Much to her displeasure, she’d been sidelined by more than a handful of party-goers that had more than one question for her. The two beers in her hand began to grow warm in her grip while she politely spent time with one news reporter after another, an Alliance official and an asari diplomat, shaking hands with salarian and turian alike.

Not that she didn’t appreciate it. She’d just really missed her crew. The thought of joining in on Wrex’s ridiculous game had much more appeal than playing polite politician at the moment.

So she was shocked when a warm hand gripped her elbow tightly, and Kaidan’s voice interrupted her conversation with a few salarian scientists who had been working aboard the catalyst project.

“Sorry to interrupt. Commander Shepard, if I might borrow you for a moment? There’s someone who needs to speak with you. Says its urgent.” He said smoothly to the crowd in his formal best, their eyes immediately softening in understanding.

Shepard knew better. There was something off about his speech, something different in his mannerisms, no matter how subtle. She’d seen this once before, back at their party in Anderson’s apartment.

He was drunk. Or, at the least, very tipsy.

“But of course! Commander Shepard, it has been an honor! I hope we can speak together again before the night is over. We have many questions!” One of the salarian’s spoke up eagerly, putting a hand out when another opened his mouth as though to protest.

“Of course, gentlemen. If you’ll excuse me.” She smiled at them, nodding her head as she turned away, following Kaidan as he kept a firm grip under her elbow.

“Mind telling me where we’re really going?” She finally said with a smirk. “Not that I’m not appreciative. If I have to answer the same damn question one more time I’m going to lose my patience.”

He chuckled ahead of her, pulling her to the far wall, away from the crowd. His eyes were bright, looking her over hungrily. 

“You’re right, ma’am. There wasn’t anyone who needed to speak with you. Other than myself, I mean.” He chuckled easily, his gaze flitting briefly over her form. She raised a brow curiously – that was bold of him.

“Alright, Alenko. What’s on your mind.” 

“You.” He said quickly, biting his lip. “Sorry. It’s just – I kept looking over at you. You just – you look so damn beautiful tonight, Jane. So sexy. I can’t stop thinking about you.”  
She blushed lightly, glancing around to make sure they weren’t in earshot of anyone. 

“Those are sweet words, Alenko. What’s your plan here, exactly?”

“My plan, ma’am, involves us sneaking out of here for a few minutes.” He said huskily, dropping his eyes to her lips. She licked them instinctively, feeling a familiar warmth begin to pool low in her belly.

“And, do what, exactly?” She said coyly, just beginning to smile. She’d forgotten how bold tipsy Kaidan could get with her.

“Well – do _you_ , ma’am.” He said wickedly, licking his own lips.

She stared at him, taken back by his bluntness. Damn, if the man wasn’t sexy when he took control like this.

“You mean – _now_?”

“Is there a problem with that?” He asked, his eyes positively boring into hers. She swallowed, resigning herself to the inevitable. He was way too damn handsome for her to even have a chance at saying no.

“Alright, Kaidan. This is how we’re going to do this.” She whispered quickly, leaning ever-so-slightly into him, while he grinned easily at her words. “You leave out that far door, I’ll walk out here. Anyone asks, we’re heading to the washroom. Meet me under the broken staircase when we came inside, you remember?”

“Aye-aye, ma’am.” Was all he said, standing upright and making a beeline for the door on the opposite wall. She blinked, momentarily stunned, watching his ass all the way.

She had to go. She had a very, _very_ sexy marine waiting to have his way with her.

/////  
 **15:35 EST**

“Sure is a lively crowd tonight.”

Kaidan called into her ear, and she nodded in agreement. They both had a long history of attending Alliance events – none of which had ever remotely been this informal. The music had quickly ramped itself as the minutes rolled on, recognizable Alliance higher-ups and various Citadel-races alike all sporting happy grins, the liquor pouring freely among the crowd. 

“I guess everyone could stand to use a bit of celebrating. Nothing quite like a galactic war to remind people to let loose and have a little fun, huh.” She said with a chuckle, gazing around the room.

_“SHEPARD!”_

Wrex’s raucous laughter met their ears, and she turned, smiling beside herself. The hunkering krogan was barreling his way towards them, drink in hand and more than a few people skirting out of his path rather hurriedly.

“You made it!” He cried, shaking her hand eagerly. She laughed, pulling herself in for an eager hug.

“Sure did. Glad to see you made an appearance here tonight as well.” 

“What, and miss an opportunity to drill what’s left of the council of the importance of the krogan? Never!” He turned, his large frame clapping a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder heavily. She grinned, noticing how hard he worked not to let his knees buckle under the weight.

“Alenko! Good to see you in one piece. Say, you’re welcome, by the way. Judging by all the hormones in the air, it seems you two have wasted no time in getting back to business.” Wrex growled at him, laughing louder when a flush took to Kaidan’s cheeks.

“Thanks for that, Wrex. Good to see you, too. And in case I haven’t said it enough – thank you, for what you did for Shepard. I owe you my life.” He said wryly, grinning with a shake of his head. 

“Ah, nonsense. I’m just teasing. Your woman here gave my species a future! The least I could do was give her a future of her own, too.” Wrex slammed the rest of his drink, looking around thoughtfully. “Say, have you two pyjaks seen –”

“Urdnot Wrex. It’s a pleasure to see you again.” 

A smooth voice came from behind his shoulder, and Wrex turned gleefully, slamming another hand down on the unsuspecting man’s shoulder. He winced, but held his ground, only managing to spill the slightest drop from his wine glass.

“Coats! I thought I might run into you here.”

“Yes, well. I came to speak with Alenko and Shepard here, but it was admittedly hard to miss your presence bowling its way through the crowd.” Major Coats spoke sharply in his accent, a hint of humor in his voice. “Although, come to think of it – I’m rather glad you’re here.”

“Something we can help you with, Major?” Kaidan asked politely. Shepard turned to glance at him, smiling wickedly. She knew him well enough to detect his body language, and he always stiffened a bit in Coats’ presence. Hackett’s, too, although she didn’t blame him after his little show at the Normandy’s homecoming. 

Coats seemed to sense this, too, raising a brow with a smirk.

“Coats will do just fine, Alenko. We could all afford to let loose a little tonight. Besides, the cat’s out of the figurative bag, as it were, and your date here is holding in quite a laugh.” He raised his glass in her direction, to which Shepard laughed beside herself.

“Sorry, Kaidan. It’s just – you’re too easy to rile up.”

“A sentence I’ve heard all too often in my life.” He said with a chuckle. “Alright, _Coats_. What can my stunningly beautiful date and I help you with, on this fine evening?” 

“Well, I just had a lovely chat with one of your crewmembers, a Mr. Vega.” Coats took a sip of wine, his eyes sidling over the far corner, where a few of their crew were still engaged in a voracious beer pong tournament. Liara could be seen, attempting to line up a throw to the direction of Cortez, who was directing her posture beside her. “It would appear that they’re taking teams. I thought it might be fun if Wrex and I joined up here for a round against you two.”

“Wait, you want –” Shepard paused, laughing, before continuing. “You want to play a round of beer pong? Against _us_?”

“That’s exactly what I’m proposing. Hell, I haven’t played since I was but a teenager. And I’m curious to see how a krogan will do at such a game.” Coats said with a glance to Wrex, who laughed loudly, throwing his head back.

“Human, you’re about to see something incredible.”

/////  
 **21:12 EST**

“Commander, I missed you. The Normandy just wasn’t – it just wasn’t the _same_ without you, you know?”

James was slurring into her ear and she couldn’t help but laugh, putting an arm around him comfortingly.

“I missed you too, James.”

“No, but we _really_ missed you. And L2 over here, well he – he was just a wreck. I mean he was a total, total _wreck_.”

“I think someone needs more water.” Steve was trying and failing to coerce another glass of water into Vega’s hand, which he stubbornly refused. 

“Thank you, James.” Kaidan said wryly, coughing lightly as Coats grinned cheekily behind a sip of his beer.

“I think the whole galaxy knows just how much the Major here missed Commander Shepard.” Coats cut in, to the chuckle of the crowd still gathered around them. 

“How long am I going to have to endure this teasing? Just so I can, ah, you know, mentally prepare for this constant mockery.” Kaidan asked lightheartedly, scratching at the nape of his neck in a familiar guilty gesture. 

“For as long as we get to see you looking uncomfortable as all hell whenever we bring it up. So, probably forever.” Joker cut in easily.

“Right. Well, thanks for the heads up.”

“No, no. Thank _you_.”

Amidst another chorus round of laughter, Shepard reached over to press a chaste kiss against his burning cheek. Catching the tipsy eyes of her crew – each of them smiling, the sound of their laughter hitting her ears – she couldn’t help but smile herself. It was so good to have them home.

/////  
 **1:08 EST**

They walked home, dismissing every cab offer, hugging a few familiar faces in parting. But they were alone, now, trailing the sidewalked streets hand-in-hand, reveling in the silence under the light of the moon.

“You could never see the sky like this in Vancouver, not before. There was too many lights. But now – wow.” Kaidan said thoughtfully beside her, causing her to glance at him. He was staring up at the sky, noticing the tiny lights that dotted the black canvas above them. “You smiled a lot tonight. Actually, you smiled all night. It was…amazing, to see.”

She smiled at that, turning her head up to look with him.

“I have a lot to smile about.”

“I haven’t seen you that relaxed in all the time I’ve known you.” He said seriously, sighing softly. “It’s a good look for you.”

“The entire time we’ve known each other, Kaidan – we were always fighting something. We picked an odd time to run into one another.” She teased, sighing right back. “It’ll take some getting used to, but – it’s nice, not having to fight anymore. Just – enjoying ourselves, our lives. Feels too good to be true.”

“I think we picked the best time to run into one another.” He said huskily, quietly. She turned to look at him again, watched the light of the moon cast shadows across his face. He was so handsome – the thought always made her heart catch – but in this light he looked younger, like he had when they’d first met. It erased the grey from his temples, the fine lines around his eyes. “It gave us something to fight for. It did for me, at least. I’d have never made it through without the thought of you to keep pushing me on.”

“I can say the same about you, you know. You helped me more…than I can probably ever put well enough into words.” She chuckled a little breathlessly, and his hand tightened around hers.

“You say it well enough, Jane, with your actions.” He reassured her. His hand tugged at hers and she stopped, turning back to glance at him. All of him, really – the blues of his formal wear, the shadow of his beard peeking through, the warm brown of his eyes. He was smiling, _really_ smiling, and she stepped eagerly into his embrace, her face pressed into his chest.

She felt it then, through his shirt. The cold press of metal, ever-present around each of their necks, but tonight with more meaning than usual. 

Smiling, she pulled at the material, gently pulling the chain out from under the fabric of his blues. His eyes watched her curiously as she gazed down at them in her palm – the familiarity of them, of her own name staring back up at her, but kept safe in the sanctity of the person she loved most. 

“I love you.” He said earnestly. She kept her eyes on the tags, but smiled wider, exhaling loudly as she tucked them back under his shirt.

“And I’m forever thankful for that.” She replied, leaning up to press a soft kiss against his lips. “Now what say you make love to me in the sanctity of our bedroom, instead of up against a cement wall?”

He smiled into her, a faint blush dusting his cheeks guiltily. 

“Aye-aye, ma’am.”


	21. Entry 31: [E] Normandy Returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2187  
>  **Location** : Vancouver / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“You greet all your fellow officers that way, Alenko?”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: explicit sexual content]

The Vancouver harbor was full to bursting.

It was 10:18 EST on a crisp and sunny Tuesday morning in late April. The Normandy SR-2, under command of Major Kaidan Alenko, had been travelling at FTL for 317 days. It had been 317 days since the catalyst had blown, 132 days since Commander Shepard had awoken from her injuries sustained after it’s destruction of the Citadel, and 78 days since they had their first successful contact with the previously presumed-KIA ship.

Today, the Normandy was finally due to arrive back home.

Shepard stood shoulder-to-shoulder with fellow Alliance elites: Admiral Hackett was stationed directly at her right, his military blues recently pressed and impressive medals shining brightly against his chest. Major Coats stood on her left, a tight and excited smile on his face.

The Normandy had evoked a sense of victory, a dashing spread of much-needed hope, capturing the hearts of everyone. Their arrival was to be met with fanfare.

Thousands of eyes scanned the skies, eagerly awaiting for the first tell-tale glimpse. She peered around at the vast amount of hopeful faces, catching the glance of a few familiar faces amongst the crowd who had come to join the celebrations.

Kasumi, unveiling herself perching upon the seawall railing ever so precariously, giving her a sly wink from under her hood. Jacob, arms bundled around his tiny daughter, Brynn at his side. Wrex and Grunt, bellowing loudly into the skies, waving half-empty tankards of ale between them as the crowd around them thinned in their exuberance. Samara, gazing up at the sky contemplatively, sharing a secretive smile at her from across the way. Even Miranda had arrived, with Oriana in tow. They held hands, talking excitedly between themselves.

A gasp burst from the crowd, and her eyes tore back to the sky. The familiar sound of the Normandy’s engines roared into life, the silver of its hull bursting into the atmosphere with a quick flash of burning flames against its mass effect shields. Cheers begun to erupt, as the mass of people eagerly chanted and celebrated its long-awaited arrival. Banners and posters erupted from eager hands, welcoming its return, congratulating them on their journey.

They were home.

The Normandy slowly, graciously, careened down to the water, turning to land effortlessly onto the docking pad.

_He_ was home.

The noise was deafening, and Shepard’s face had already begun to hurt with the smile that stretched across her cheeks. Despite the clamoring of voices, she heard Hackett’s voice in her ear, a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“They did it, Shepard. Congratulations.”

It was agony; what must have only been a few seconds felt like an eternity to her. Excitement was bubbling along her skin while she waited for the hatch to open. The engines powered down, the lights flickered off. Alliance officials ran forward, eagerly connecting the landing stairwell to the Normandy’s exit bay, hustling to stand at the bottom with perfectly crisp salutes.

When its hatch finally slid open, it revealed a familiar pair of Alliance-issued boots. Kaidan’s face came into view, shielding his eyes for a brief moment to adjust to the light. His face was thinner than usual, but it lit up into a jubilant expression as he took in the welcoming crowd before him, and he waved a hand up in grateful greeting when the crowd erupted in fresh cheers.

His eyes were searching frantically, trying to make sense of the sea of faces, until – she felt his gaze on her rather than saw it; a warm trickle slid down her spine as his face split into the most handsome smile she had ever seen.

Beside her, Shepard heard Khalisah al-Jilani’s voice spring into eager action, a holo-vid capturing the Normandy’s every moment.

_“Major Alenko has just stepped onto the docking pad from the Normandy SR-2, which has arrived back on Earth but moments ago after ten months of travelling at FTL speeds. Major Alenko is greeted by quite a crowd today, many filled with admirers of his bravery in the aftermath of the Reaper War –”_

She felt her body spring into action, fluidly pushing past al-Jilani to bound down the steps to the docking pad. She thought she may have heard Hackett’s voice calling out to her, but she couldn’t be certain – all she saw was Kaidan. He had practically leapt from the Normandy doors, walking briskly in her direction, eyes boring into her.

That was how, in a crowd full of thousands, under the scrutiny of Hackett and Coats, with al-Jilani’s camera rolling, Shepard found herself wrapped in Kaidan’s embrace, his hands buried in her hair while he kissed her breathlessly.

Stunned, she responded eagerly, pulling back after a few moments to gaze up at him with a goofy grin. “That’s quite a greeting, Major.”

“No offence, ma’am, but that was ten months overdue.” He replied huskily.

“You showed up.” She said quietly, heart hammering in her chest. He closed his eyes with a smile, breathing deeply as he contemplated her words.

“You waited.”

“Always.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know you missed each other, but did you _really_ have to make-out on live vid? Gross.” Joker’s voice called out from over Kaidan’s shoulder, and she detached herself from his embrace to peer at him eagerly. He clambered out of the Normandy gingerly, his signature cap on his head.

“Awe, come on now, Joker. If I didn’t gross you out at least once on our big reunion, I think you’d be disappointed.”

“You’re right about that, Commander. It’s good to see you alive and in one piece. I bet the Major here will appreciate that tonight, too.”

“Joker.” Kaidan’s voice held a warning tone, and Jeff thrust his hands up in mock innocence.

“What, you guys can dish but can’t take? I see how it is.” Joker ambled up, sticking a hand out to her. She shook it eagerly. “Good to be back, Commander. We fucking did it.”

She pulled him in for a hug, grinning into his shoulders as he grumbled about broken bones. “Damn right we did it. Couldn’t have done it without you.”

“You said it, not me.” He said with a grin. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go talk to Hackett about his repair team maintaining the sanctity of my girlfriend.”

He stalked off towards the crowd, where Hackett and Coats stood with bewildered, albeit happy, expressions on their faces.

“EDI?” Shepard asked with a raised brow. Kaidan tilted his head contemplatively.

“Ah…sort of. We couldn’t get her old body up and running again. Whatever happened up there with the catalyst completely fried her neural circuitry beyond even Tali’s repair.”

“But…I mean, EDI’s going to be okay, right? Doesn’t the Normandy carry a, uh, a back-up file or something?”

“Relax, Shepard. EDI will be fine.” Kaidan put a hand on her shoulder reassuringly sensing her fear. “For now, however, she’s back in action strictly in auditory form.”

“I’d never have forgiven myself. We’ll have to make that a top priority, she deserves to get a body back.”

“I know you have plenty of people who agree with you and would be willing to help, myself included. She was incredibly helpful in getting us back in the time that we did. I imagine that Joker is eager to get his girlfriend back, too.”

“Well, if it was anything close to the way that I felt – I don’t blame him.” She said honestly, peering up at him with a smile. He returned it happily, happiness brimming from his eyes.

“Honestly, Shepard. I don’t plan on leaving your side for a single damn moment for a long while. I have you back and it’s more than I could have ever wished for.” He paused, smiling at her with an open expression. “But for now – I’ll leave you to say your hello’s to the rest of the crew. They’ve missed you, too.”

“Why, thank you. I’m not going anywhere without you either. I do, however, believe that Hackett would like to say hello to you as well.”

His eyes lit up as though remembering something, roving the sea of faces again eagerly. Upon seeing Hackett but a few metres away, peering at him rather amusedly, he visibly tensed, bringing a hand up to rub his neck in a familiar gesture of embarrassment. “I, uh…I really just did that in front of all these people, didn’t I. Kissed you, I mean.”

“You sure did, Major.”

“Wow. Hackett’s going to absolutely kick my ass. That is so _awkward_. I mean, not that I regret it! I’d do it again if I had the chance.” He sighed, a shaky grin taking over his features once more. “My mom will be thrilled though.”

“Go work on damage control, Mr. Hero. I’ll come find you shortly.” She smiled as he saluted her with an _“aye aye, ma’am!”_ , walking briskly up to the Hackett and Coats with another crisp salute. Over his shoulder, she could see that Hackett had extended his hand while Coats was laughing at something rather pointedly, the telltale signs of a blush beginning to erupt from beneath Kaidan’s collar. She thought she’d heard Coats ask something along the lines of, _‘you greet all your fellow officers that way, Alenko?’_

“Well, well, well, we’re on Earth for two minutes and you’re already getting teary-eyed, Shepard. If you’re _trying_ to get me all emotional, I want you to know that I don’t plan on being the first turian to cry in front of a live crowd, so do try to contain your excitement.” Garrus’ dry drawl came next, and she really couldn’t help the tears that threatened to spill out as his familiar frame ambled out of the cockpit. His arms opened, waiting, and she ran in to wrap her own limbs around him, tucking her face into his neck with a grin.

“What can I say, Garrus. There is no Shepard without Vakarian. I’ve missed your handsome face.”

“You too, Shepard. I do believe we are _long_ overdue for an evening at the bar.”

“Out of the _way_ , Vakarian, you big lumbering _b’oshtet_ , or I’ll shoot you with my damn shotgun! I want a turn.” Tali’s muffled voice called excitedly from behind him, her enviro-suited hands pushing at his back. He rolled his eyes with a chuckle, stepping pointedly aside.

“My apologies, Shepard. It would appear that my _girlfriend_ here wishes to say hello.”

Before she could reply, Tali’s tiny body hurled itself into her chest, hugging her exuberantly.

“ _Keelah_ , Shepard. You made it. We knew you would.”

“Girlfriend, huh? What happened to, what was it now… _using him for his body?_ ” Shepard asked with a grin, hugging Tali tighter as she giggled into her shoulder.

“Yes, well, it turns out that Garrus here is _very_ useful in calibrating everything from the Normandy’s weapon systems to my enviro-suit settings. So I suppose I can keep him around a little while longer. You know, for safety reasons.”

“Ah.”

“Shepard!” There was a flash of blue, and suddenly Liara’s warms were wrapped up in their embrace as well, Tali continuing her giggling in the group hug. “It’s _wonderful_ to finally see you. We have so much to tell you!”

“I missed you too, Liara. So much. I want to hear every second of it.”

_“LOLA!”_

The massive arms of James encircled them both, his raucous laughter bellowing in her ears, and she smiled so hard her cheeks hurt. One moment spilled into another, her heart full to bursting with every familiar face, every voice she had missed hearing, every kind word they had to spare her. She would remember every gesture, from James’ bear hug, to Cortez’ eager handshake, to Chakwas kissing each of her cheeks in delight. Even EDI’s smooth voice, calling from the cockpit, greeting a long-awaited ‘welcome home’.

They were really, really home.

/////

Hackett had made their arrival brief.

He’d shaken all of their hands, as did Shepard and Coats, thanking them for their duty and service.

He’d allowed al-Jilani one question directed at Major Alenko for viewers and, he specified quite clearly, that it had to pertain to their mission aboard the Normandy whilst on their journey home, _‘not any of their personal relationships that’s occurred within or beyond those parameters’_. Shepard tried to contain her laughter at al-Jilani’s heartbroken expression.

He’d acknowledged each of their names and rank to the crowd, met to much applause.

He’d reminded them of a homecoming ceremony to be held in their honor one week from today.

And lastly, he’d sent them off on a mandatory one-week shore leave to retire with friends and family, wherein further details of their future service would then be broached.

As the Alliance officials began to part their ways, and crew members got lost in the throngs of excited well-wishers who had waited to greet them, Shepard took a moment to glance around.

Liara, Garrus, and Tali had meandered around, always coming back to her side after greeting various officials and familiar faces from their respective fleets and homeworlds. James was introducing Steve to his Uncle, who hugged him eagerly like a brother. Joker was talking animatedly with the docking pad staff.

And Kaidan – Kaidan was hunched over the seawall railing, looking out into the Pacific Ocean, a relaxed and contented smile on his face. He caught her eye, eagerly waving her over.

“Welcome home, Kaidan. Not just to Earth, but to Vancouver, too. I know how much you missed it.” She said softly as she sidled up beside him, resting her forearms on the rail to join him. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes as the sea air hit his nose.

“Yeah. I’m still trying to remind myself that I’m not dreaming.” He looked at her from the corner of his eye, a hesitant smile on his lips. “I, uh, imagined this so many times these past months. Hard to believe this is real.”

“I’m real, Vancouver’s real, and we both aren’t going anywhere.” She leaned her head on his shoulder, to which he shuffled closer and clasped a hand over hers eagerly. They stood there in silence for a few moments, enjoying the quiet and taking in each other’s presence.

“The greatest reward.” He finally said, his husky voice so quiet it was almost drowned out by the sound of the waves. The sun was high in the sky, birds chirping somewhere overhead. It was an incredible view; she could see why he liked it.

“Hmm.” She nodded in agreement, smiling. This felt like home to her, too. Maybe it was just because he was finally there to share it with her. “So, what’s the plan, Major? How did you want to enjoy your first day back on Earth?”

“Honestly?” He laughed, looking around at the familiar sights around him. “I wanted to take you for a picnic in Stanley Park. I wanted to call my mom. I wanted to fall asleep with you in my arms. I wanted to go down to my favorite pub and have my first real Canadian lager in a _very_ long time.”

She laughed along with him, squeezing his hand encouragingly. That sounded perfect.

“But all that can wait.” He said seriously, looking down at her again.

“Yeah?” She raised an eyebrow quizzically, and he nodded.

“Yeah. Well, maybe not the mom part. She’ll kill me if I don’t check in with her now that we’re on the same planet again.” He chuckled, turning to pull her into a gentle embrace. Breathing out slowly, he buried his face in her hair, wrapping his arms around her until she was burrowed into his chest.

It felt so good, after all this time. His scent hit her nose and it made her hair stand on end – she had missed him so much. She burrowed further, burying her face into his neck until their bodies had no visible gap between them.

“The first thing I really want to do, Jane,” he continued softly in her ear, his voice husky and low, “is take you somewhere private. I want to make love to you all day, I want to cook you dinner in bed, and then I want to make love to you all night, too. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms, and wake up with you next to me, hogging the covers and drooling a bit onto my chest just like you always do.”

She chuckled at that, his humor failing to stem the warmth that began to tingle low in her belly at his words.

“And then I want to make love to you all damn day tomorrow, too, and the next day. I want to make up for ten long months without you. And then, after all that –” he paused, leaning back slightly to press a kiss to her forehead. “ _Then_ I want to take you out on that picnic.”

“What are you waiting for, Major?” She said with her eyes closed, smiling as he dropped a few kisses to her brow, her cheeks, her nose, her lips. He smiled into her, dropping his hands to cup her waist and run soothing fingers up her back.

“Well, ah, you see Shepard, there’s this slight problem of me having been living on the Normandy for the past ten months. As far as I’m aware, my old apartment here likely doesn’t exist anymore.” His eyes twinkled down at her humorously, and she laughed again.

“Well, you’re in luck. I just so happen to have some private quarters not too far from here. They’re pretty nice, too, all things considered.” She smiled mischievously. “Perks of saving the galaxy, I guess.”

“Hmm. I was hoping you’d say that. The thought of having my way with you whilst bunking in Alliance-issued marine quarters was not too appealing. I’d still do it, of course, but, ah, something tells me there’d be some less than happy marines considering what I have planned for you.”

“Is that so? And what do you plan on doing to me exactly, Major?”

“That, ma’am,” he said lowly, chest rumbling, “you’ll have to wait to find out.”

/////

This was a moment she had anticipated from the moment she had first opened her eyes in that dingy hospital bed six months ago. It had taken much, much longer to come into fruition than she had imagined in those first blissful seconds of awareness, but that somehow made it all the sweeter nonetheless.

She ran her tool over the lock to her Alliance-issued housing, ushering herself inside in a familiar routine she had gotten more than comfortable with after all these months. Only this time, a second set of footsteps followed their way behind her, both cautious and eager as they made their way inside her humble foyer. She locked the door behind them, turning on the lights as she eyed his reaction eagerly.

“It isn’t the Normandy, but I’ve tried to make it comfortable. Earth’s top of the line apartment housing, right here.” She joked wryly, gesturing into the room. He glanced at her briefly, smiling.

“I don’t care where or what it is, Jane. My home is with you.” He said simply, stepping forward curiously. He took in the details with apt attention. It was humbly sized, especially compared to Anderson’s old apartment, but served its purpose with care. She had everything she needed, and that wasn’t much.

It also had four walls and a roof, which was more than most buildings had in the city these days.

Quite suddenly, watching his familiar features glance over her modest home with a tender smile, this little place finally felt like home. It reminded her of the Citadel, of the brief shore leave they had shared together all those years ago, in the days following Saren’s failed coup. Their relationship had felt full of promise, something that had dissipated after her death and the stress of the war.

But now – now, they had a real chance to explore that promise once more.

Kaidan didn’t say anything, just glanced around curiously, eyeing all the details of her existence in this space – the haphazard pile of shoes by the door, her N7 hoodie draped over the couch, a cup of half-drank coffee perched on the table, two sugar packets littered around the edge.

He smiled at that, turning to gaze at her warmly. He didn’t need to say anything, she just knew – and pulled her feet forward, drawn to him, suddenly ravenous for his touch.

He pulled her to him, kissing her thoroughly while his hands explored every expanse of skin – she felt his fingertips slide up her back, twist through a stray lock of her hair, stroke the skin under the curve of her ass. He slid his tongue up against hers, driving her breathless with his relentless assault of her mouth.

“Missed you.” She said against his lips, moaning when he kissed a path to her ear.

“Missed you, too. Let’s not ever do this long-distance thing ever again.” He chuckled into her ear, grunting when her hips began to push up into his.

“Agreed, Major.” She gripped his face, pulling his lips back to hers hungrily, sliding her tongue along his.

“Does this place have a bedroom, or am I forced to take you on the couch? Not that I’d complain.” He hastily added, pleased when she smirked at him.

“Second door on the left.”

“I’ve heard that before.” He mumbled, pulling himself back to grab her hand in his and tugging eagerly in that direction. Her door opened with a snap before he tugged her inside, closing it shut behind her as they shuffled their way to her bed.

“Lie down.” He said huskily into her lips, his eyes half-lidded and pupils fat. She complied, sitting back upon her mattress and shuffling back until her feet just touched the edge of the sheets. He stared at her, eyes absorbing every inch of her body as though reacquainting himself with the sight of her.

“Can you…take off the uniform, Jane.” He spoke lowly, his voice gravelly with desire. She complied eagerly; reaching her hands up to hastily unbutton her blues, tugging it up and over her head to be tossed somewhere onto the floor. Her pants quickly followed suit.

She had been prepared for this, too.

He groaned, running a hand over his face with disbelief. He made no move to hide his desire; a significant bulge had already formed at the tent of his pants. The sight warmed her core, made her skin tingle in anticipation.

“That, you…are you trying to kill me, Jane?” He finally strangled out, his eyes raking over the rich expanse of skin eagerly. She bit her lip coyly, leaning back on her elbows and responding by spreading her legs in open invitation.

“Do you like them?” She asked demurely, feigning innocence. He huffed in laughter, bringing his hands forward to grasp her knees gently. He looked upon her like a man starved. His eyes roved over the silky black fabric, taking in the plunging skin between her breasts, watched as her nipples hardened under his scrutiny. They wandered down the creamy tautness of her stomach, the tiny ribbons at her hips holding her bottoms together. He licked his lips when he came to her center, saw the wetness that had already pooled through the fabric.

“I…god, Jane, yes. Yes, I like them. I like them very, very much.” He choked out, voice husky and rumbling. He exhaled loudly, closing his eyes tightly for a moment. His fingertips began to stroke tiny circles against the skin of her calves, touching her reverently as though she were going to disappear.

“Look at me, Kaidan.” She spoke gently but encouragingly, waiting for his eyes to meet her own once more. He raised his lashes to meet her gaze, mouth ajar as he took a few deep breaths. “What did you say you wanted to do to me tonight?”

He smirked, a hint of bravado overtaking his features. “I want to make love to you. All night, all morning, and all day tomorrow, too.”

“Mhmm. I think you want more than that.” She said sultrily, taking a deep breath and watching his eyes flicker to her breasts as they bounced with the movement. His hips shuffled slightly, almost imperceptibly, to relieve the tight confines of his groin.

“What more could I possibly want, Shepard.”

“You want to _fuck_ me, Kaidan.” He moaned softly at her words, fighting with himself. He gripped under her knees, pulling her closer toward him so her back was flat on the mattress and her legs were perched invitingly on either side of his hips from where he stood at the foot of the bed.

“I do.” He finally replied, still stroking small circles into the soft skin around her knees with his thumbs.

“But I know you feel guilty, because you want to make this about me. You take such good care of me, Kaidan.”

“I always want to take care of you.” His eyes raked over her breasts, one large hand leaning forward to grasp the sound mound in its grasp. He rolled a thumb over her nipple, licked his lips again as it hardened even further under his touch. She moaned softly, wriggling her hips impatiently.

“You _do_ take care of me. Now I want to take care of you.” She said huskily, bringing her hand up to cup her other breast. He groaned his approval, kneading her soft flesh at the sight.

“What do you mean?” He asked, swallowing heavily when she dragged a foot up to rub innocently along his thigh. She grazed the side of his erection through his pants and his eyes rolled back, hips thrusting involuntarily at the contact as though starving for more.

“I want you to do everything to me that you promised. You’ll make love to me tonight, and all morning, and all day tomorrow, too. But first…” She stopped her ministrations, waited until he moaned in protest and caught her eyes again. His pupils were dark and fat, a pleasant flush having developed along his cheeks.

“First?” He asked, bringing a hand up to stroke himself almost thoughtlessly through his pants. She grinned at the sight.

“First, I want you to fuck me, Kaidan. I want you to fuck my goddamn brains out, and I want you to come deep inside of me. I want to hear every moan, every noise, I want to hear the sound of you slamming into me as you take what’s yours.” She whispered her words silkily. She could feel her blood pounding in her ears, watched as he inhaled deeply as she prattled on, his eyes wide in anticipation as she continued.

“And then… _then_ I want you to make love to me.” She didn’t wait for him to respond, instead she turned herself over into the position that she _knew_ would break his stubborn control. Spreading her knees wide, she tucked her chest down into the bed, resting on her elbows as she demurely shook her ass in invitation.

She presented herself to him, and he wasted not more than a second before accepting.

“Fuck.” He moaned, undoing his pants hastily. She heard the rustle of fabric and the clink of a belt buckle and then he was suddenly _there_ , pressing the hard length of himself between her cheeks.

He slid himself along her center, stroking himself against the damp scrap of fabric that separated their skin from touching. His large hands gripped her cheeks eagerly, spreading them apart as he took in the sight of her, wet and eager for him.

“What are you waiting for, Major?” She cooed at him, turning her head to watch him watch her. It sent another hot spark down her spine – it had been too long since she’d seen him like this, been able to watch the ripple of muscles across his broad chest, take in the sight of his hard erection rubbing itself against her core.

He chuckled darkly, eyes flitting up to meet hers briefly before settling back on watching himself thrust shallowly against her panties. “You’re a very dangerous woman, you know that?”

“How so?” She asked innocently, moaning as the tip of his cock grazed her swollen clit.

“You’re taking advantage of my good nature here. You know…god, Shep, you know I can’t resist you like this.” He mumbled huskily, licking his lips again as he thrust against her a little more roughly, smirking as she let out another moan.

“Like what, Major?” She clenched her fingers into the sheets as he made another pass over her clitoris – he was doing this on purpose, she knew. But she wanted to hear him say it.

Kaidan was always in control, always so calm and confident with everything that he did. This particular aspect of his personality always carried over into the bedroom. He was a passionate and thorough lover, never leaving an inch of skin untouched and always seeking her pleasure out, first, and usually more than once. So it gave her a particular sense of pleasure to see that control crumble, to encourage a raw side that only she could drag out of him.

And nothing quite got his attention like the sight of her ass in the air, her warm and welcoming body needy and begging for his attention.

He pulled back slightly, raising a hand to lay flat over the curve of her spine. She felt the fingers of his other hand drift along the seam of her panties, following up and over the rounded globe of her ass, trailing down to her core. He carefully dipped one, two fingers beneath the fabric, rubbing along her slit and the warmth that waited him there.

“Fuck, you’re so wet.” He mumbled, groaning as the sticky sounds of her entrance met his ears. Cautiously, he slipped one finger teasingly into her entrance, burying it to the knuckle.

“ _Oh god._ ” She moaned, eyes tight. His finger was thick, stretching her in a familiar way. Her senses came alive at the feeling – it had been too long. She wanted more. “Tell me, Kaidan.”

He groaned in response, and she watched over her shoulder as he watched his own finger slide in and out of her. His eyes were almost black, now, his breathing heavy and his cock twitching in excitement. It lobbed, heavy against the side of her ass, teasing her.

She wanted to feel him, thick and hard inside of her. 

She attempted to scramble up onto her elbows, reaching back to grasp his cock in her palm but –

He pushed down on her spine, forcing her arms flat and pushing her chest back into the mattress swiftly. He smirked dangerously at her, withdrawing his fingers from her core sharply and taking a small step back and out of her reach. She whimpered, a fresh rush of warmth pooling between her thighs at his rough gesture.

“I love seeing you like this, Jane. Wet and ready for me. I love seeing you on your knees. I love knowing that you want nothing more than for me to bury myself inside of you.” His husky voice was dangerously low, his hands now roaming eagerly over the curve of her ass, the small of her back, the dip of her waist.

“ _Yes_.” She moaned happily at her success, wiggling her hips tantalizingly, trying to entice him into her throbbing center. “Please, Kaidan.”

“Please what?”

_“Please fuck me.”_

He exhaled sharply, as though resigning himself. Gently, he used one large palm to grasp his cock eagerly, the other tightening around her waist. Lining himself up at her entrance, he coated his head with her arousal, holding her hips back from thrusting down impatiently upon him.

Then finally, gloriously, he sunk himself into her slowly, pulling her hips back to fit himself snugly inside of her.

A gasp tore from her; as wet though she was, she had been unprepared for how thick he was, her body having forgotten the familiar shape of his length that had previously buried itself in her on a nightly basis. He seemed to agree – his hands tightened sharply at her waist, a deep groan spilling from his chest, holding her steady as he allowed her to reacquaint herself with him.

He drew soothing circles on the small of her back with his thumbs, waiting until the muscles along her spine lessened some before slowly, experimentally, pulling himself out and thrusting himself back in.

“ _Fuck_. I love you.” He shuddered involuntarily, pausing again before repeating the movement. “You feel so good.”

“>em>Yes, Kaidan.” She breathed his name like a mantra, allowed the warm sound of his name to dance on her lips repeatedly as he carefully buried himself in her in a slow and steady pace. Even now, even when she could feel his hands shake with restrained pleasure, could tell by his stilted thrusts that he was holding back for her sake, when it had been ten long months since they’d been able to indulge in each other’s bodies – he still claimed her gently, allowing her time to adjust to the shape of him before taking her the way she knew he wanted.

“Love you.” She moaned, gasping as she could feel him move inside of her, enraptured with the sudden feeling of undeniable fullness. 

He pulled her hips back with his hands, dragging her knees until they were right at the edge of the bed. It brought their hips even closer together, if it were possible, and he sunk himself deeply into her with every stroke. She could feel her cheeks slam into his taut stomach as he pulled her back against him, his hands tightening their grip against her waist.

“You’re so beautiful, you know that? So goddamn beautiful. So sexy. I can’t believe –” He cut himself off, groaning – he’d increased his pace, and she was moaning unashamedly into the sheets, her fingers twisting into the fabric appreciatively. 

“That’s it, Kaidan. It feels good, doesn’t it.” She cried out at him, smiling beside herself, her center throbbing with pleasure. She could hear everything – the sharp exhales of his breath, the sound of their skin slamming together, the wet sounds of their lovemaking every time he pushed into her. 

He was already shaking. He wouldn’t last long, she knew – she loved every moment of, loved watching his arms shake, his hips pushing into her frantically, hearing every moan he let slip from his lips.

Turning her head, she watched his gaze, raptly watching his eyes as he took the sight of them in. His fat pupils looked everywhere – at the curve of her waist, at the bouncing of her ass every time he thrust into her, but mostly where they were joined, watching himself as he buried himself to the hilt with every slam of their hips.

“Let go, Kaidan. Come for me.” She pleaded to him, pushing back against his thrusts in an attempt to bring them closer, squeezing at him from the inside. Ripples of blue flashed across his eyes, sprung up to dance over his skin.

_“Jane.”_ He tore his eyes up to look at her, briefly, before squeezing them shut. His hips stuttered once, twice – he pushed himself into her roughly, his voice giving way to a husky groan. His skin erupted, flaring out and over her own body, and she could feel him pulsing inside of her as his biotics eased into nothingness.

She laid there, content in feeling his closeness, waiting for the muscles in his body to relax. He was breathing heavily and slowly, he unfolded his hands from their iron grip around her waist, stepping back with a soft sigh to ease himself out of her.

He wasted no time in crawling onto the bed beside her, pulling her body up only for him to rest on his elbow beside her, gazing down at her with a tender expression. She put a hand to his chest – she could feel his heart pounding erratically.

“Feel better?” She asked, smiling wryly. He chuckled, bringing himself down to kiss her. He was tender, his touch achingly gentle against her lips.

“I feel amazing. I feel very spoiled, too.” He hesitated, pondering, a flush still evident across his cheeks. “And I feel a little guilty.” 

“Don’t be. I know you’ll make it up to me and then some.” She smiled at him, burrowing herself closer to him. “I just wanted to feel you. Be close to you. I like…seeing you like that.”

“You do, huh.” He smirked, raising an eyebrow. “Well, you have quite an effect on me.” He paused, glancing down at her form still wrapped up in her fancy black lingerie. “Please feel free to wear this whenever you like, by the way.”

“I’m glad you like it.” She smiled sleepily, closing her eyes when he brought his lips down to kiss her forehead gently. Her favorite. She’d missed that.

“I missed you. I’m so glad you’re home.”

“Me, too. I don’t plan on going anywhere without you again for a very, very long time.” He said seriously, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. She hummed, her body relaxed and flush against his.

“You promise?”

“I promise.” His voice was so soothing, his presence so fulfilling. Her body felt weary suddenly, as though she’d been waiting for a long time to finally just relax. “Sleep, Jane. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

She took in his familiar scent, wrapping her arms around him tightly. She knew he meant it.

/////

He woke her up a few hours later, the sun just starting to set across the horizon. He was hungry again, but he stayed true to his promise – Kaidan crawled over her achingly slowly, kissing and touching every inch of her skin as though she were made of glass. He made love to her for hours, until they were both sweat-covered and exhausted, hands buried in each other’s hair as she cried his name out over and over again, his slow thrusts thorough and gentle.

When she felt utterly boneless, the last ripple of blue dancing across her skin as he moaned her name into her neck, she smiled, pulling his head down to rest upon her chest.

“Love you.” She whispered, not tired yet of saying those words. She felt his smile against her skin, and he groaned softly as he turned his face to gaze up at her from between her breasts.

“Love you, too.” His voice was hoarse from overuse, the tenor rumbling deep from his chest. “I still can’t believe…” 

“What?” She asked, when his voice trailed off. Her fingers busied themselves by running through his hair, an action that had him humming pleasantly.

“That I can finally just…be with you, and there’s no – there’s nothing coming our way, you know? Just you and me and some – some big future, ahead of us.” His warm eyes were gazing into hers seriously, a happy smile overtaking his face. “It’ll just take some getting used to. I know how much I’ve hoped, but – if I’m honest, Shepard, I didn’t really think we’d make it. That we’d be alive to get this chance.”

“I know. Me either. I don’t think it’s hit me, yet.” 

“I’m so happy.” He hugged her tighter, his arms encircled around her shoulders. 

She smiled broadly, a tight feeling suddenly clenching in her chest. He always had this effect on her, this giddy sense of excitement and belonging. God, she had missed him.

“So what’s first on our agenda, Major?” She asked teasingly, resuming her hair-stroking. He grinned back up at her, thinking.

“Well, like it or not, I’m moving my stuff in here.”

“That goes without saying.”

“Good. And then – then I suppose we wait, to figure out what the Alliance needs of us.” He was concentrated, his brows furrowed. “I presume Hackett will give us some hefty shore leave. But after that – well, I don’t know, Shepard. All I know is, whatever it is, I’m not going anywhere if you aren’t with me.”

“I’d say he might have a problem with that, but after your little show earlier –”

He blushed, chuckling guiltily at that.

“— I imagine he’d be expecting that. But, that’s not what I meant, Kaidan. I didn’t mean about the Alliance. I meant – about _us_. What do we do from here.” She spoke softly, earnestly, even a little awkwardly. Romance had never been her strong suit.

His look turned warm, and he brought a hand up to cup her face gently, his thumb swiping her cheek. 

“I think – I think we get a home. A real one. Not that this place of yours isn’t great, but I want something you and I can call our own. I want to build a home with you, Jane. I want to wake up to you every morning, and see you every night when I go to sleep. I want to take you out to the interior, to meet my Mom. Maybe we can stay out there for awhile, and I can show you where I grew up. We can – I don’t know, we can go apple-picking, and sneak out at night from the roof, like I used to when I was a kid.”

She was laughing now, smiling down at him a little stupidly. It was a look he returned eagerly.

“We should get something that overlooks the Pacific.” She said, and his eyes perked up.

“Really?”

“Really. I know you’ve always wanted that.” She said solemnly, and he grinned.

“Alright. We’ll get something that overlooks the Pacific. It’ll be great – I can show you all the best places in Vancouver, and just wait until you see the _seasons_. Jane, your hair, your eyes – you’ll look beautiful in the fall. I can picture it already.”

She was smiling so hard her cheeks were starting to hurt, and he continued, spurred on by her enthusiasm. 

“We’ll make coffee together every morning, and we can stay up late talking every night. And I’m going to marry you, Jane. I’m going to make you my wife, and I’ll make love to you until we’re old and gray.” He sat up on his elbows, pressing his lips to every part of her face he could find. 

“That sounds…so normal. I’ve never done anything normal.” She said against his kisses, sighing when he pressed one last one onto her forehead, again, his thumb grazing her lip with a smile. 

He shrugged. “Neither have I. I guess we can figure that out together.”

“I’d like that.” She kissed him, overcome with so many emotions – happiness, relief, elation, incredulity.

He was _home._


	22. Entry 30: Contacting Commander Shepard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2187  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-1  
>  **Codex** : _“Commander Jane Shepard had just woken up, demanding to speak with her crew.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

The com room had never been so squishy.

It was 0800 Standard Earth Time, and while typically most of his crew was just blearily beginning their morning routines, it felt like a vast majority of them had shoved their bodies into the tiny space.

He didn’t mind. He had invited everyone to join him, after all. This was a moment they deserved to enjoy together as a crew.

They were still another four months of FTL travel away from Earth, assuming more relays were not repaired by then, and communication had been slow. They had been limited to standard mail messages, Kaidan’s personal com lighting up once every four to five days at most. Information could only travel so fast, after all, even with the help of still-functioning communication arrays set up at intermittent Citadel planets along their trajectory.

But today – today was an exciting day. And around him, every face was beaming with excitement.

“Hey, L2, you said 0800 sharp, yeah? You don’t think they’ve forgotten about us, do you?”

James’ voice came from directly behind his ear, and he felt the other man’s chest pressing into his back. Squishy, indeed.

“0800. Give them a moment, James. This is the farthest vid com attempt they’ve made in months. Just be patient.” He chastised warmly. In truth, he was as impatient as Vega was.

Three days ago, they had received a message from Admiral Hackett that made his breath catch. He had asked EDI to confirm the source over a dozen times before daring to believe it.

The Charon relay had been fixed. The Alliance would be sending com relays through it to speed up communications travel and enable the use of video communications.

And Commander Jane Shepard had just woken up, demanding to speak with her crew.

_“Assuring the success of this communication attempt, I will be contacting you over vid com at your earliest convenience, Major. While I would have liked to have contacted you first, Shepard has made it clear that that right belongs solely to her, and I cannot help but agree with her. We are not certain how long the chat will remain active or how clear it will be, but rest assured we have our best teams working to coordinate this to be a success. It is our hope that once we get more communication arrays sent through Charon, we will be able to have consistent and reliable com chats to help guide your team back home.”_

Kaidan immediately shared the message with the entirety of the crew, and they had spent the night celebrating accordingly. It had been the cheeriest evening they’d had in months, the impending connection with their long-lost Commander having renewed the hope in all of them. 

Which was how, at the exact date and time that Hackett had coordinated, they all ended up crammed into the com room at 0800.

Well, by now it was 0802, to be exact.

“Hey, EDI, we’ve set our communications to the correct frequency, right?” He asked troublingly. Her smooth and familiar voice answered instantly – he’d missed her.

_“Not to worry, Major Alenko. We are on the correct frequency.”_ She paused. _“I’m beginning to receive some data now. I believe a communication attempt is underway. Give me a moment.”_

“That’s my girl.” Joker mumbled from somewhere to his left. “Hey, Donnelly, do you mind not pushing into my back so much? I’d like to not break any legs today, thanks.”

“Sorry, Joker. But don’t blame me, it’s Daniels here that’s doing all the pushing.” Donnelly’s Scottish accent drawled out.

“I’m sorry, I’m just so excited!”

_“You have a video communications request from Alliance headquarters, Major. Should I patch it through?”_ EDI’s voice cut in, effectively stopping the restless chatter. Her tone was light – Kaidan could almost call it joking. He nearly laughed in anticipation.

“Yes, EDI. Patch it through.”

The com lit up, a fuzzy outline of blue beginning to take shape. There was a garble of sound, some static – he heard her voice first.

_“Can you hear me? Kaidan?”_

“Yes, Ja – Shepard, we hear you!” He waited, knowing EDI would be working hard to clear it up. The pieces fell into place, slowly, the fuzzy blur taking a concrete shape, vaguely human in size until –

Commander Jane Shepard came into view before them. There was a collective moment of surprise before the room erupted into happy cheers. She was smiling broadly at the reception, her face a little thin, her hair much shorter than usual, and she was sitting a little wearily, but she was every bit as beautiful as he remembered. Her eyes danced eagerly over the crowd.

“Lola!” James exclaimed eagerly right into his ear and he winced, while she merely laughed at the sight. Tali and Liara were weeping happily, both waving amidst the crowd. Garrus placed a hand on his shoulder, as though to say _‘she’s back’_.

She was back. He felt like he’d forgotten how to breathe.

_“It’s so good to see all of your faces.”_

“We’ve missed you, Commander. The Normandy hasn’t been the same without you.” Kaidan said hoarsely above the still chattering crowd, and she smiled dazzlingly at him.

_“I have no doubt that you’ve been taking excellent care of my ship, Major.”_

“With a crew like this, it wasn’t hard. We’re…we’re so happy you’re alright, Commander. It’s been a total communications blackout here for months. We had no idea if you…” He trailed off, not saying the fear that had been on all of their minds.

_“I know. I’m sorry to have scared you all. Meanwhile, I feel like I’ve just woken up from a very long, very bad dream.”_ She looked over his shoulder, listening to someone off-camera, before bringing her gaze back to his. _“I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, and I’d be happy to answer them all. But this chat is going to have to be very brief. The connection is very unstable, and until we get those more com arrays through Charon, these chats are very unreliable.”_

“We understand, Commander. You, uh, have quite a bit of fan mail over here. I assume it’s alright if I give the okay to bombard your message box from your excited crew, yes?” He asked cheekily, and she laughed.

_“Of course. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t. I want to know everything that’s happened while I’ve been gone. Including all of your ship reports, Major. I’ve got a lot of time to kill while I recover – you all know me, being tied down to a medical bed isn’t exactly fun. I could use some cheerful messages to help pass the time.”_

“She’s got that right.” Chakwas muttered affectionately from somewhere behind him.

_“So I expect to hear from all of you. That’s an order.”_ She smiled again, taking a deep breath. She looked tired. _“For now, though, I’m afraid I don’t have very long before the connection gets lost. I have to ask to speak to Major Alenko in private. But – thank you, all of you. For everything. You fought so hard, so bravely. There are people here working tirelessly to help bring you home. And I want you to know how proud I am to be your Commander. I served with the absolute best. It’s an incredible honor. Congratulations – we did it.”_

_There was another uproarious cheer, and the crowd began calling eagerly to her as they filed their way out, Donnelly and Daniels supporting Joker under each of their shoulders._

“You kicked ass, Lola!” 

“Drinks on me, Shepard!” 

“We miss you!” 

“Take care of yourself!” 

Traynor, ever the efficient communications specialist, helped organize everyone out of the com room, closing the door behind her with a wave and a sly wink. 

Alone, he turned his eyes back to her. She had a hand over her mouth as though trying to contain her smile. 

_“Hey there, Major.”_

“Hey, Commander.” 

___“It’s so good seeing everybody again. I have so many questions. And I want to chat with them all, but first –”_ _ _

“I love you.” He said, cutting her off. Here eyebrows shot up in surprise, and he continued. “I thought – I thought I lost you, again. But I knew, I just knew that you wouldn’t, you promised, and I knew that you’d be – are you okay? What happened to you?” 

She laughed airily, her shape fuzzing out for a moment before coming back into clarity. _“I’m fine, Kaidan. And I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here waiting for you to come back, just like I said I would.”_ She shuffled a bit in her chair, stifling a yawn. _“I’m very tired. I don’t know how much Hackett has told you about my condition –”_

“He hasn’t, but he didn’t need to. Miranda Lawson saw to it that she forward all of your medical updates to me personally.” He said with a wry grin, and she smiled back. 

_“Of course, she did. Well, I’m glad. Then you know I’m going to be okay, Kaidan. Really. But coming out of a long sleep like that, well – it’s just tiring. I’m doing a lot of muscle rehabilitation. I think it will be a long time before I’m ready to fight again, but I think…I think I’m okay with that. I could use a break.”_

“I wish I was there to help.” 

_“You are helping. By taking care of our ship, that’s helping me more than any of these doctors are. I miss Chakwas, feel free to tell her that.”_ She paused, her eyes roving over him. _“I miss you. I know you’ve had a longer time away from me than I have, but I miss you all the same. I have so much to tell you.”_

“I miss you, too.” His voice came out choked, and he chuckled a bit in disbelief. She was really here. “You look beautiful.” 

_“You’re just saying that.”_

“I mean it, too.” 

She smiled. _“We don’t have much time. I’m sending you the codes to my new omni-tool – please disperse it amongst the crew. I mean it, I really do want to hear from them.”_

“You might regret wishing that. I don’t think there’s enough time in the day to go through all the messages I’m sure you’re about to get.” He joked. 

_“Good. Something to occupy my mind while I wait for you all to come back.”_

“And they’re…they’re really gone, Jane? It’s over?” 

_“It’s over, Kaidan. We did it.”_ She sighed, happily. _“I still have a hard time believing it myself, but it’s true.”_

“You know what this means, right?” He asked, his tone mischievous. She quirked a brow, contemplating, before a sudden rush of understanding hit her all at once. 

_“Is this your idea of a proposal, Alenko?”_ She laughed incredulously, a warm smile on her face. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

“Yes, and instead of a ring, I’m bringing you an entire starship.” 

_“You know me so well.”_

“And now I get an entire lifetime to get to know you even better. It’s…the greatest reward.” 

Her frame fuzzed out for another moment, and the clarity in her voice gave way. _“Sorry – engineers having – solar particle disruption – cut off.”_

“I’ll talk to you soon, Jane. We miss you. I’ll send you all of the logs. We’re coming home as fast as we can.” 

_“I love you.”_ Her face swam into vision for a few brief seconds, a beautiful smile on her face. He smiled right back. 

“I love you, too.” 

The transmission cut, and ended, and he breathed out. He suddenly felt hyperaware of every muscle in his body, sore and aching and in desperate need of some rest. When was the last time he’d gotten a good night’s rest? He’d been so consumed with being away from her, with the possibility of never seeing her again, that he’d driven himself to exhaustion. 

She was alive. They were coming home. He smiled, laughing to himself. 

“EDI, great work. I know that must have been difficult to keep a connection like that.” 

_“You’re most welcome, Major. It’s the least I could do. You brought me back to life, too.”_

He smiled at that, gazing up at the ceiling arbitrarily. “And we aren’t done with you just yet. Hold tight, EDI. We’ll get you another body as soon as we dock back into Earth. I’ll make it a top priority. We couldn’t have come this far without you.” 

_“Thank you, Kaidan. That is very kind.”_ Her voice was softer, appreciative. 

“It’s my pleasure, EDI. Now if you don’t mind – I’m going upstairs for some rest. I’d appreciate my do not disturb to be activated. I could really use some sleep.” 

_“Understood, Major. Logging you out.”_

He smiled all the way back to their cabin, drifting off into the best sleep he’d had in months. 


	23. Entry 29: Shepard Awakens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2186  
>  **Location** : London / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“It’s quite a tale, Shepard. Your crew, your Normandy – well, it’s become a beacon of hope these days. They’re rather famous.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

“Shepard. _Shepard_. Shepard, can you hear me? I think she’s waking up.”

Everything ached.

It didn’t hurt, not really – the slightly foggy feeling that swam over her vision told her that she was likely heavily sedated with ample amounts of omni-gel – but she felt tired, heavy, lethargic.

It was only through sheer stubborn will that she forced herself to open her eyes, to find the source of the voice that was pulling on her ears. She knew that voice.

“Miranda.” Her throat was scratchy, raw.

“Yes. I’m here, Shepard.” Her face came into view, a brilliant smile upon her face. Her eyes held hers for but a moment, before bringing her medical tool up to scan over her features. “Your heartrate is stable, brain patterns are normal.”

“You…have to stop waking me up like this. It’s becoming a habit.” She said weakly, fighting through the insatiable dryness that was her throat.

Miranda laughed pointedly at that, stilling her movements. “I see your sense of humor hasn’t been affected. Hang on, Shepard. We’ll get you some water.”

Another set of hands touched her shoulder, and she slid her gaze over in that direction. A second familiar face swam into view, this one smiling, too.

“Drink, Shepard. I’m sure your throat is very sore. Try not to talk too much, you’ve had an endotracheal tube for some time now.” Dr. Michel’s familiar accent washed over her, another calming voice to help quell her confusion.

A straw was placed gently near her mouth, and she sucked on it gratefully. The relief was instantaneous – she couldn’t help the moan that bubbled from her chest, swallowing the liquid eagerly.

“Where…am I?” She asked meekly. She was so tired.

“All in good time, Shepard. I’m sure you have many questions, and we’re happy to answer them all. But for now, you need to rest. I promise we’ll be here when you wake up.” Miranda spoke soothingly to her, smiling down in reassurance.

Sleep. Sleep sounded good. It sounded heavenly, actually – she was so _tired_. But she needed to know –

“My crew. Are they…” Her eyes were already threatening to slide shut, and it took all the willpower that she had to keep them open.

“They’re safe. They’re on their way home to Earth as we speak. They’re all so proud of you.” Miranda said softly, brushing hair from her face. “They’re safe, Shepard. All of them. You can rest now.”

They were safe. She smiled, happily slipping away into a deep sleep.

/////

She woke again, alert and focused. Her body still ached, but her mind was aware, a million questions already circulating through her thoughts.

She didn’t have to wait long for answers.

“Shepard. How do you feel?” Miranda’s voice hit her ears again, and she turned, only mildly surprised to see her milling around her charts, examining the plethora of machines that encircled her.

Where was she?

She took a brief glance – she was in a medical room, that was to be sure. The room was small but solitude, a window overlooking a series of crumbling buildings and pitched white tents. She had more tubes connected to her than she cared to count, but she felt good. Sore, but good.

“I feel…alright.” She said hesitantly, testing out her throat. It was still dry, but not as burning as the last time she had woken. “How long was I out?”

“Here, drink.” Miranda poured a glass of water for her, which she took gratefully, gingerly easing herself to sit up in her bed. “That’s a very loaded question, I’m afraid. It’s been four days since we last spoke. Do you remember that?”

“I – yes. You said my crew was safe.” She said firmly, looking over to her for reassurance. Miranda nodded, smiling again.

“That’s right.”

“How am I – where am I? Is it over? The Catalyst – the Reapers, did it work? How did I get here?” The words poured from her freely, spilling over one another, one question leading to another.

Miranda held up a hand. “Hang on, there. I’ve been instructed by Admiral Hackett not to discuss that with you – he wants to have the honors for that, I’m afraid. I’ve already messaged him to let him know that you’re awake and ready to talk. He’s on his way.”

“You’re in contact with Admiral Hackett?” She said, suddenly curious. Miranda laughed easily.

“It turns out, Shepard, that I’m as good at piecing you back together after a Collector attack as I am after a Reaper attack. My expertise in your physiology was sought out when the Alliance discovered the state your body was in.”

When she opened her mouth to voice yet another question, Miranda silenced her with a look.

“I’ll tell you everything I can. Hackett can fill you in on the rest.” She pulled a chair to her bedside, taking a seat whilst urging Shepard to drink more water. She complied eagerly. “I’ll try to limit your medical log with just the highlights of all the fun I’ve been having while you’ve been asleep. Your body was found aboard the Citadel in very grave condition. You had two broken legs and a complete puncture wound through your abdomen that had already started to gather serious infection. You had severe blood loss, and over ninety-percent of your body was covered in first or second-degree burns. Worse, all of your neural implants that I incorporated into your nervous system three years ago had completely shut down. You were running on very borrowed time.”

Shepard stared at her, then down to her hands that were currently holding the glass to her mouth. Her skin looked unblemished, smooth. She wiggled her toes experimentally – they moved, with no pain. Miranda watched her bemusedly.

“You’ve also…been kept in a medically-induced coma for some time now. Dr. Michel and I wanted to allow your body time to heal before waking you. Removing the implants was also considerably difficult. We needed to allow your body to adjust before we could risk waking you.”

“How long…how long have I been out, really?” She asked again.

“Just over six months, now.”

“Six months?” She sat up, thinking. _Six months?_ Where was her crew?

“Hang on, Shepard. I know what you’re going to ask next – like I said, your crew is just fine. Hackett can explain it all to you, but they haven’t returned to Earth, not yet. But they’re on their way.” Miranda smirked then, picking at a piece of dust on her knee. “Your Major Alenko has been running a very fine ship, I hear. The Alliance is incredibly impressed with the Normandy’s progress.”

Her heart stopped. _Kaidan._

“Kaidan, he’s – can I speak with him?” Her voice caught in her throat, and Miranda smiled knowingly.

“Soon.” Miranda replied vaguely, then referred down to her chart. “As I mentioned, both of your legs were reset. We’ve been conducting electric therapy on the muscles in your legs to keep them activated and strong. You will feel some muscle lethargy – Dr. Michel is putting together a physiotherapy regimen for you – but we were able to maintain over eighty-five percent of your previous muscle mass. That’s impressive, considering your lengthy bedrest.”

“You aren’t going to tell me anything more, are you.”

“I can tell you that you are on Earth. London, to be exact. I can tell you that you succeeded, Shepard. The Reapers are gone.” She stood, placing a hand on her shoulder gently. “I can see that you aren’t interested in any more medical jargon than I have to say. I’ll have Hackett come in immediately to speak with you. I know you want to hear more about your crew.”

“Miranda, wait.” She gripped the other woman’s hand in hers, tugging lightly. “I – thank you. For saving me, again.”

“You saved all of us, Shepard. It was the least I could do.” She smiled again, a smile warmer and gentler than Shepard had ever seen before. “I’ll be back to check in on you later. We can talk more then.”

The familiar sound of her heels clacking across the floor met her ears, but she paused just as she reached the door.

“Oh, and, Shepard? One last thing.” She smirked, gazing at her from the doorway. “Major Alenko asked me to send a message on to you. He wanted to thank you for waiting, and to let you know…that he plans on showing up.”

Miranda shut the door behind her, leaving a stunned and radiant Jane in her wake.

/////

She didn’t have to wait long. Admiral Hackett strolled into her room not but twenty minutes later.

“Sir.” She said sharply, suddenly wishing she was in anything but a hospital gown. Hackett raised a hand, smiling gently at her, before taking the same seat that was previously occupied by Miranda.

“At ease, Shepard. If anything, the galaxy owes you a formal greeting every time someone enters a room, not the other way around.” He folded his hands in his lap, looking her over. “How are you feeling? You were down for quite a nap, Shepard. Had more than a few of us worried.”

“I feel fine, sir. A little tired, but I’m ready to talk.”

“I had a feeling you might be.” He paused. “You look good. Much better than you did when you first came in. Ms. Lawson and Dr. Michel have tended to you very diligently.”

“I’ll have to take your word for it. I’m too afraid to look.” She smirked, sitting up straighter. “I have so many questions, sir, I honestly don’t know where to begin.”

Hackett chuckled, leaning forward slightly. “I figured as much. How about I start at the beginning, and if you have any questions in the end you can feel free to ask me then?”

“Sounds like a plan, sir.”

“And Shepard? I may have a few questions of my own, if you’re up for them.” He exhaled, looking down at the floor. “Whatever you did up there – well, there’s more than one person curious to know. But whatever you did…you did it.”

He stood up then, walking over to her window. Hackett had his hands clasped behind his back, gazing out at the sea of medical tents before him. “I’m sorry I had to ask Ms. Lawson to not say too much. I wanted to have the chance to tell you myself. As you can imagine, there is some information that Ms. Lawson is not yet privy to know, no matter how indebted I am to her for keeping you alive.”

“It’s no problem, sir. I appreciate you being here so quickly.” She said earnestly, waiting.

“Hmm.” He reached for a glass of water absently, swallowing heavily before beginning. “Whatever you did, when the catalyst blew it took down the Reapers instantaneously. All of them stopped cold. Harbinger’s assault on London ended in a flash. But…it did just more than take down the Reapers. The energy source that rang out from the catalyst, it took out every piece of technology that we have. Thousands of ships floating in Earth’s orbit were suddenly dead in the water. All communications were out. And the mass relays…they’ve stopped working.”

“I…I know, sir. At least, I figured as much.” She said quietly, contemplating, remembering her conversation with the star child. He gazed over at her, curious, but with a smile on his face.

“Like I said, I’ll save my own questions for at the end.” He turned back out the window, continuing.

“But that doesn’t mean technology was lost. We can rebuild – as a species, we’ve done it many times before. This time was no different. But at that moment, we all feared that you were gone. We had no way of contacting you, no ship capable of space flight.” He paused, a knowing smirk on his face. “You can thank your krogan friend, Urdnot Wrex, for being alive today, Shepard.”

She blinked, grinning suddenly. “Wrex? Wrex saved me? But – how?”

“I was still in orbit, commanding a now com-silent fifth fleet. But Major Coats was in London, left with the aftermath of Harbinger’s assault. Not more than an hour after it all went silent, from what I hear, Wrex came stomping in demanding a rescue plan. You can ask Coats for all the details, he particularly enjoys telling this story, from what I hear. Apparently, he and Wrex have become fairly good friends after all this.” Hackett chuckled softly, shaking his head. 

“Wrex stumbled himself upon Admiral Xen’s team, a squad of quarians who were stationed on Earth at the time, helping to build the catalyst. He managed to convince Xen to hand over a quarian vessel she’d been working on. You know firsthand how efficient quarians can be – their technological expertise and adaptability allowed them to build a modified drive core within but a few hours after everything went dark. Old technology, easy to reprogram from scratch, and powerful enough to launch into orbit if it had enough raw eezo to burn through.”

“Wrex teamed with Xen.” She smiled, faintly. “Not every day you see a krogan battlemaster working alongside a quarian admiral.”

“Definitely not. To say Coats was impressed would be an understatement.” Hackett chuckled again. “Anyway, Coats put together his own team. A handful of doctors and a few Citadel employees, to help find you. This was to be your search and rescue crew.”

“It took them twelve hours, from when the catalyst blew to the moment that Wrex’s squad found you. You were terribly injured, Shepard. But they managed to stabilize you, and they sent out an SOS on radio frequencies. By that time, all ships had caught on to the silence and were hard at work deciphering the onslaught of radio-band messages. The SSV Perugia hailed to your call, and you were brought aboard.”

She was silent, listening to his words raptly, mind still spinning – _six months?_ Where was the Normandy?

“Ms. Lawson was contacted to help stabilize you. Your implants were irreparable – I don’t know the medical jargon, Shepard, but Coats managed to get a transport ship up to you a few days later and bring you back down here to us, in London. Dr. Michel got wind of your case and demanded to come aboard. We flew her in a few days later.”

“I – I have a lot of people to thank, it sounds like.” She said calmly, and he exhaled loudly in response.

“Shepard, you saved everyone’s asses by doing whatever it was that you did up there. We owe you everything, and more.” Hackett turned around and promptly sat in his chair again. “Now, I imagine you’re wondering where in the hell your crew is.”

She laughed, appreciative. “Yes, sir. I don’t understand – if it’s been six months, how are they not back on Earth? They were in orbit with everyone else.”

“They were.” Hackett peered at her curiously. “It’s quite a tale, Shepard. Your crew, your Normandy – well, it’s become a beacon of hope these days. They’re rather famous.”

She blinked. “I don’t understand, sir.”

“We’ve only just begun to have contact with them as a few months ago. I put out a radio transmission on the Normandy’s specific frequency as soon as we realized they were amongst those ships unaccounted for. Two Alliance cruisers testified seeing the Normandy attempt to outrun the catalyst’s blast via FTL. They succeeded, but only partly. Eventually they were caught up in the blast and were forced to crash land on Eden Prime.”

“Eden Prime.” She paused, thinking. “And without the mass effect relays…”

“Exactly. They’ve been making their way home, slowly but surely, using FTL speeds.” Hackett nodded, smiling, a pleased expression on his face. “It turns out Major Alenko had the same idea as I had. He began sending progress reports over radio waves on an Alliance frequency almost immediately. We roughly began to gather intel from one another three months or so after the catalyst blew.”

“Of course he did.” She smirked, proud at his ingenuity. She wasn’t surprised at all. “Are they alright? How long, sir, until they reach home?”

“Major Alenko assures me that everyone is fine and accounted for. They’re working around the clock to bring themselves back home.” Hackett smiled reassuringly. “As for their ETA – we have an idea. Based on the coordinates of their last transmission, and taking into account the time it takes for us to converse with one another – we estimate that they should be home in another four months or so, pending no major issues.”

Hackett stopped suddenly, pulled out his omni-tool and punching in a series of codes. “Your omni-tool was destroyed, as should be of no surprise to you. I’ve commissioned you a new one. I’ll have Ms. Lawson bring it to you immediately, and I’m forwarding you all of the Normandy’s transmissions for you to hear for yourself.”

“Thank you, sir. That is…greatly appreciated.”

“Of course, Commander. They’re your crew. I’m sure you’re more eager than all of us to see them home safely.” He smiled up at her. “I’ve already sent a message to them, informing them of your status. They’ve known you were alive for some time now. But they will soon know that you’ve woken up.”

“That’s excellent news, sir.” She paused, chewing her lip contemplatively. “I – well, I don’t know how to phrase this, exactly. I have no idea what the current state is. But is it possible to communicate with the Normandy on something other than radio waves at this point? Are inter-galactic communications still down?”

Hackett leaned back, sighing. “They are. There is a lot going on politically right now, Commander, I won’t lie. While we have an entire galaxy that is thrilled to be alive, we were also quite suddenly thrust into a situation where we have dozens of species stranded far from home, each wanting to get there as quickly as possible in completely opposite directions. There hasn’t been much time for celebrating, as you can imagine.”

“I can see that. Each leader would have wanted to delegate resources into the direction of their own homeworld.” She contemplated the situation carefully, trying her best to keep up. “It…must have been a complicated six months, sir.”

“You’ve no idea.” Hackett chuckled ruefully. “And you’re completely right. It is my hope – well. In time, Commander. I’m placing you on serious medical leave for the time being. You need it, and you’ve earned it. And I have no right to ask anything of you, not after everything you’ve already done.”

She smiled. “I sense a _‘but’_ coming here, sir.”

“But, indeed. It is my hope, Commander, that if and when you should choose to rejoin the Alliance in active duty, that you may be willing to help with these inter-species communications. You’ve developed quite a knack for it, if your efforts in protecting Earth were any indication.” Hackett said ruefully, and she straightened under his praise.

“I would be honored to help in any way that I can, sir.”

“Good.” He nodded, entangling his hands thoughtfully.

“I assume communications will be down until we can construct new com-relays, then?”

“Yes and no. We actually have a team of engineers working on relays as we speak.” Hackett pulled up a file on his tool, extending it her way. “This is classified, of course. We don’t want to get the public’s hopes up. But we think we’re very close to completion. We have plans to emit the probe sometime early next week, with Admiral Xen’s help. The quarian fleets have helped extensively in being able to manufacture working technology from scrap metal and abandoned cruisers.”

“They’re good at that.” Shepard said softly, thinking of Tali. Her eyes roved over the information quickly, noticing the multi-species input in its design. Quarian and human, to be sure. Turian as well. Asari. Even Wrex had his name signed on the agreement. A multi-species effort, indeed – she felt a surge of pride at that.

“The design is simple, but efficient. The net uses mass effect bursts to scatter interstellar dust and radiation. It should speed communication transmissions by a factor of ten.” He closed his tool, gazing at her levelly. “We’re hoping to attempt a video communication chat with the Normandy. As it stands, they are the only missing vessel that we have somewhat accurate coordinates of. We’ve asked for them to rendezvous with us at a precise location along their plotted course home.”

“When would that be, sir? I – well, I’d like to request that I’m present for that.” She sat up straight, eyes bright and curious. Hackett chuckled.

“Our first trial run is in three weeks’ time. We’d run it sooner, but we need that time to ensure the Normandy receives our instructions. Data travel across deep space takes time, I’m afraid. They’ll need more of it to receive the message and get to the right coordinates.” He leaned back in his seat, eyeing her carefully. “And I’d like you to have first honors, Shepard.”

“Me, sir?”

“Absolutely. It’s your crew, it’s your ship – none of the galaxy would be here without your team’s efforts.” Hackett closed his eyes for a moment, smiling. “I’m happy to allow you the first vid-com attempt, on the condition that I am able to speak with the Major in other communications to follow. I have many questions regarding how he’s been able to bring the Normandy so far on a strictly FTL basis. That knowledge may help us with repairs on other vessels throughout our fleet that are still pending.”

“That would mean the world to me, sir. Just tell me the time and place.”

“I will.” He said simply, pleased by her eagerness. “Those are the major highlights, Commander. I’m trying not to overwhelm you. But were there any further questions you’d like to ask me at this time?”

“Yes, sir. If I may.” She sat up a bit straighter, frowning. “Did they – was Captain Anderson…”

“His body was recovered, shortly before finding yours. He has been buried in accordance with his will.” Hackett said sadly, gazing away. “In time, the Alliance will honor him the way he deserves.”

“I…” She stopped. “I’m glad he was recovered, sir.”

“I am, too. He was a friend.” Hackett said simply. “Was there anything else?”

“A lot. Too many questions for me to even begin, sir. But I know…I know what I need to, for now. And I appreciate you telling me everything. I’m sure…that you have many questions you want to ask, yourself.”

Hackett eyed her, his blue eyes curious.

“I do, Shepard. Why don’t you take me from the beginning. I know you and Anderson made it through Harbinger’s beam, but we lost contact with you after that.”

She took a deep breath, remembering.

Opening her mouth, she let the words flow out, with Hackett listening raptly.

/////

“Here you are, Shepard. Brand new. These are hard to come by these days; I guess saving the galaxy does have its perks.”

Miranda strolled into her room breezily, a cup of coffee in one hand and a new omni-tool in the other. She reached for it eagerly, gripping the shiny metal between her fingers.  
“Thank you, Miranda.” She said, smiling up at her. Miranda smirked, taking a seat and eyeing the tool with a raised brow.

“Just wait, it gets even better. I’ve saved your tool access code as a data file for you. You can transmit its ID to the Normandy when you chat with them. And, if you would be so kind as to open your audio files for me…” Miranda’s voice trailed off knowingly, and Shepard glanced down again, tapping into her tool eagerly. To her surprise, dozens of audio logs were already saved into her tool. They had no names, merely numbers. Dates, she realized.

“What’s this?” She asked, curious. 

“Audio files, from the Normandy. Each and every one of them. I took the leisure of organizing them chronologically for you. I thought you might like to hear word about your crew directly from the source – not to mention, hear Major Alenko’s voice, too, I’m sure.” Miranda winked at her, taking a sip with a devilish smirk. “He does have a rather sexy voice, you know. Made a few of the more boring entries a tad more bearable, I’ll admit.”

She laughed at that, a knot twisting in her stomach at his name. Her fingers scrolled absently, rolling back to the first entry.

“That he does.” She agreed readily.

“Judging from the look of your morning face after your little Citadel party all those months ago – I’d surmise he’s sexy in other departments, as well.” Miranda smirked, pleased when Shepard laughed loudly at that.

“A little _too_ sexy, sometimes. Asses like that don’t belong on a battlefield.” 

It was Miranda’s turn to chuckle, and she stood readily, placing a hand on her shoulder lightly.

“I’ll leave you to it. I’m sure you’ll want to recount these logs alone. I’ve also left my own tool ID in there for you, as well as Admiral Hackett and Dr. Michel. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything.” 

“Thank you, Miranda. I know I’m probably starting to sound like a broken record, but…for everything. Truly.” 

Miranda smiled at her, gripping her coffee tightly between her hands. The look that passed over her face was warm, softening at her eyes.

“It’s my pleasure.”

The sound of her boots clacking across the floor followed her frame, and the door shut behind her with a swish of her dark hair and a quiet click. Settling back into her pillows, Shepard sighed contentedly, pressing the oldest entry and closing her eyes. There was static, and she closed her eyes, waiting for – 

_“Alliance space, this is Major Kaidan Alenko of the SSV Normandy. We are transmitting to you on an Alliance frequency in the hopes that you may eventually hear this.”_

She listened to his voice, suddenly overcome with emotion. It felt like only a few days since she had heard him but, once again, she knew, it had been many long months for him.

_“All crew is safe and accounted for. Main engines are back up and running, and we are attempting to navigate our way home. ETA not yet established. We are eager to hear any reports about Earth or Commander Shepard. I repeat, this is Major Alenko…”_

She missed him so much. She could hear, by the sound of his voice, how stressed he was, how worried. She wanted to reach out and touch him, to reassure him that it would be okay. She couldn’t even begin to think about how worried he would have been, after all this time – were they really alright? How had they managed to survive on so little resources?

They could speak in but a few more days. She could reassure him then. Until that time, she could hear his voice, take solace in how it soothed her aching body.

She spent hours, scrolling through each log, laughing at every happy update, crying at every hopeful tone, heart aching after his first transmission upon learning that she was alive.

She closed her eyes, playing the messages over and over well into the night, until his husky tone lulled her into a long sleep.


	24. Entry 28: The Long Journey Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2186  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-2  
>  **Codex** : _“Alliance space, this is Major Kaidan Alenko of the SSV Normandy. We are transmitting to you on an Alliance frequency in the hopes that you may eventually hear this. All crew is safe and accounted for. Main engines are back up and running, and we are attempting to navigate our way home. ETA not yet established. We are eager to hear any reports about Earth or Commander Shepard. I repeat, this is Major Alenko…”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: strong language, sexuality -- and this one was so much fun to write]

**Solar Day 1**

It would take them at least three days to get the Normandy up and running again beyond basic life control functions.

With Shepard gone, that had unquestionably put Kaidan in charge. He had no problem with that – in fact, he relished in it. He already knew this team inside and out, they already respected his leadership, and the transition felt natural, if not with a temporary air.

This was still Shepard’s ship, after all. No one was going to argue with that.

They’d crash landed – well, nowhere, it seemed like. They had nothing to go off of but their last known coordinates before non-essential systems had shut down. This included scanners, so, their range ran anywhere from one to ten light years from their last known location when the power had cut off.

It wasn’t much to go off of. Based on the breathable air and the habitable environment, there was an unspoken agreement among the crew that this was, in all likelihood, Eden Prime. They had been traveling in the general direction of the Utopia system when the catalyst had blown. Perhaps closer to the equator, they all had pondered eagerly, where colonists had yet to settle – the higher heat didn’t bode well for growing crops.

A breathable atmosphere was a major victory. Their second plan of motion was to figure out what the hell had happened to the Normandy.

“It’s like she just…turned off. She completely fried herself. We’ll need to replace all primary components; the wires are completely melted out.” Adams had scratched his head in confusion, an equally concerned Tali, Donnelly, and Daniels at his side.

So there lay his first order: stripping and rewiring the Normandy.

He’d had Tali instruct those less mechanically inclined in how to conduct the basic grunt work, and then they were off. A seamless team, crewmen from all designations and posts suddenly working eagerly to unbox every spare part and start putting her back together again.

Garrus had helped him move EDI’s body. She had shut off, too, as though in a deep unawakenable sleep. They’d positioned her in the AI core, tucking a pillow under her head. Joker didn’t leave the core for two days.

“It’s the catalyst.” He’d finally said, eyes bloodshot. “I don’t know what Shepard did, I don’t know what happened when it blew, but the second that damn charge ripped through the ship is the same second she slipped into this, this, _coma_ , or whatever. Whatever stopped the Reapers stopped her, too.”

“You think the catalyst shut down anything with Reaper technology?” Garrus had asked, curious.

“That…well, that would make sense. I don’t know how that would work, really, but it would make sense.” Kaidan had agreed. Joker had sent him an empty look, his eyes dark.

“Well, we better hope its reversible. For both our sakes.”

“What do you mean?” Kaidan asked, his voice suddenly tight.

“Shepard has Reaper tech inside her, too. Her implants, remember?”

A cold feeling of dread washed over him. Did she know? Had she known that before she blew the catalyst? Could she survive without them?

She’d promised she would wait for him. She’d _promised._

“There’s no use stressing over something that we can’t get an answer for.” Garrus cut in sharply, shooting Joker a look. “We need to focus on the task at hand. Let’s get the Normandy in the air, let’s prioritize food, and let’s get communications back up and running. Then we can sit around and dive into wild theories about what’s happened here, alright?”

Joker was quiet, a stony look on his face as he gazed down at the unresponsive EDI.

“You’re right, Garrus. Thanks.” Kaidan swallowed. One problem at a time. He had to be strong, he had to take control of this. For Shepard. “Let’s go, Tali will need all the help she can get.”

An hour later, Joker joined them, his SR2 hat hiding his eyes from view, but he cracked jokes well into the evening.

/////  
 **Solar Day 2**

They were floating in cold, dead water.

It was a total communication blackout. Samantha had spent days hunched over her console, working tirelessly to send messages out or to receive a message from anyone, someone, anywhere – to nothing but static.

“The com line is working.” She had finally conceded to him, her hair all in disarray. “I tested it myself. I managed to build my own communications tower through my omni-tool – I used the portable battery in my tooth brush to recharge it, ingenious, really – and sent a message to the Normandy’s com systems and I received it. So it’s not a receival issue, sir. It’s just that there are no messages to be received.”

“How is that even possible? The greatest threat this galaxy has ever seen and not a single message is going out? That just…that can’t be right.” He’d muttered to himself, perplexed. When she shot him a disapproving look, he quickly backtracked. “I’m not saying you’re wrong, Traynor. In fact, I think what you managed to do here is nothing short of incredible, seriously. What I mean is – why isn’t anyone sending any messages?”

She glowed at that, her smile sliding back into place. “That, I agree with. I have no idea. That blast, whatever it was…it must have done a lot more than just knock out the Normandy.”

“But in order for there to be no messages coming in, none at all, would have to mean that…” He trailed off, looking at her with a raised brow. It wasn’t possible.

“It means that everyone else in the galaxy is without communications, too. And I mean, _everyone_.” She’d stated heavily, her eyes downcast.

“Shit. What the hell happened back there?” He wondered aloud. Traynor shrugged her shoulders, as lost as he was.

/////  
 **Solar Day 4**

“Alright – Adams, can you give us a rundown of what systems are operational?”

They were in the board room. Having successfully turned the Normandy back on, so to speak, they needed to start thinking about other dire needs: mainly, food, water, and fuel sources.

Not to mention how to start driving her in the right direction when they weren’t even sure where they were.

“Of course. Obviously, life support is working perfectly – that wouldn’t have been affected anyway, as an essential system it runs off its own private generator, away from the main ship battery. We should have main engines up and running in another two days or so, we’ll know more once we get into the last few bulkheads at the bow of the ship. I have Donnelly and Daniels working on that – it’s tough to access physically, it was meant to be viewed through scanners only.”

“I bet they love that.” Kaidan said with a smirk, and Adams laughed.

“ _’A romantic adventure to rival Tristan and Isolde’_ , is what I think Donnelly called it. Anyway, obviously that means internal and external scanners are still down as well. Tali is working on those as we speak. I asked her to join us, but she was making good progress so she wanted to stay down below decks. We think they’ll be up and running in the next few hours, but again, we won’t be too certain of the extent of damage until we get into those systems and do manual diagnostics. It’s time consuming, but doable.”

“Do you have any hypotheses to what exactly happened to the Normandy?” Kaidan asked.

“None. Well, none that make sense, anyway.” Adams leaned back in his chair, contemplating. “I don’t know the why or the how, but I do know the what. Joker guessed right; everything with advanced enough tech burnt right out, which is almost the entire ship. Dead, gone, fried. That unfortunately affected a lot of our non-essential systems – which, unfortunately, are the ones we are in desperate need of at the moment. This includes scanners, main engines, and the FTL drive.”

“The Normandy is fast, even without FTL, but if this is Eden Prime…well, that’s still a hell of a long way to go on just main engines.” Kaidan said softly. Adams nodded.

“I couldn’t agree more. But honestly, FTL isn’t looking so good just yet. The drive is very sensitive, and Tali and I haven’t figured out what’s wrong with it. Worst case scenario, we strip the parts and reprogram her by hand. This would take no time at all if we had EDI operational, but…well, she’s not. And doing it ourselves is possible, but very time-consuming. We’d be going in blind. So I’m not sure which way you’d like me to prioritize first, Major.”

“Having EDI online would significantly reduce repair time, wouldn’t it?” Kaidan asked tentatively. Adams nodded vigorously at this.

“Yes, absolutely. Losing her input has honestly been the biggest disappointment of all.” Adams sighed. “If EDI were here…well, I’m good at my job, Major. But I’m just a human. My brain can only compute so fast. EDI can compute what takes any of us an hour in less than a damn second.”

“Have we tried to get EDI back online?” Garrus cut in, frowning.

“No, because honestly, Garrus, I don’t even know if we can.” Adams sighed, then continued. “It made sense to prioritize engines and scanners first. We need both of those things to find food and fuel. So by all means, yes, I plan on taking a look at EDI as soon as those are in place. If we can get her operational as well, it would easily cut our FTL repair time by a factor of one hundred. But EDI was infused with extremely advanced tech. That mech body of hers is highly complex – I don’t know if we have the hardware on board to piece that back together again. Forgive me for speaking so candidly about her, I’m not trying to minimize her humanity here. But I’m speaking as an engineer. It’s like using a hammer to turn a screw; I just don’t think we have the right tools.”

“Could we at least get her AI program running in the core again? Maybe she won’t have a body, but could we reboot her system? She must have a backup file of some kind – damn, it feels so awkward to talk about her like this, like she’s just spare parts.” Kaidan sighed, rubbing a hand over his face.

“I hate to be candid, here, but until she’s back online – well.” Garrus said worryingly, drumming his hand along the desk.

“That’s what I was thinking, Kaidan.” Adams agreed, nodding curtly. “Seeing that you appear to feel the same way, I’ll go ahead and make that my priority as soon as those other two systems are up and running. I’ll speak with Tali about it, too. Poor girl is already overworked as it is.”

“She knows the stake. She won’t rest until everything is up and running. Besides, we could say the same about _you_.” Garrus said with a chuckle, to which Adams hummed in agreement, dark circles already present under his eyes.

“He’s right. Thank you, Adams. We’re lucky to have you.” Kaidan smiled, feeling the tiniest spark of excitement. Having a plan felt good. And if they could get EDI up and running again, maybe Shepard –

“Hang on. I just realized – what about shields? We can’t exactly start tearing through Eden Prime’s upper atmosphere without it. Last I checked, our shielding components are tied directly with the FTL drive.” Garrus cut in, concerned. Adams smiled.

“Good point, but one we’ve already thought of. The Normandy is already equipped with backup shielding. It’s the same old-school tech they use on moon stations and other deep-space exposed working colonies. I can have an electromagnetic generator online with main engines at any moment, so long as we have enough iron in the hull compartments, which we do. It’s not as effective as a mass effect shield, obviously, but driving at max speeds on main engines – well, it will be more than enough to keep us safe from radiation, debris, and temperature fluctuations.”

“It’s temporary, anyway, until we get the mass effect shields back online.” Kaidan said thoughtfully, to which Adams nodded. “We can’t risk taking off until we have a course laid in with enough iron and eezo refueling stops chartered in. Damn.”

“I _may_ have a solution to that, but she isn’t here yet.” Garrus cut in, chuckling. Kaidan smiled knowingly.

“Liara?”

“You guessed it. I’ll let her explain it to you; she’d be so disappointed if I did it for her.” Garrus flared his mandibles in jest, continuing. “In the meantime, I’ve been looking into the food and water situation. Water is not a problem, at least not for awhile – although, I should preface this by saying that once we leave Eden Prime, we are going to have to seriously limit personal hygiene amongst staff, especially if we’re only running on main engines. Assuming this blackout is a galaxy-wide problem, I have a feeling that obtaining basic resources will soon become a commodity.”

“Get your showers in now while we can. Got it.”

“There’s a freshwater river not two kilometers from here. I already have crewmen working to siphon it back into our water tanks. Once we fill them, we have enough for ten litres of water, per crewman, per day, for over thirty days.”

“That’s excellent.”

“As for food, you humans will be alright, too. We already have enough food aboard the Normandy to last everyone close to three months – it’s a damn good thing we took the Normandy for that tune-up, evil clone and all, because they were not shy with restocking the rations.”

“What about you and Tali? Do you have enough dextro food?” Kaidan pointed out.

“We have enough, but not as much. We’ll be alright for another twenty days or so. But if this is Eden Prime, I know of a few places that we can make pitstops on to stock up on our way back to Earth.”

“So, as long as no one overeats their fair share, we have enough food to be comfortable for the next while here.”

“That’s right. And while I know that you intend on having the scanners operational within a few short hours,“ Garrus gestured to Adams vaguely, “in the meantime I’ve been having Liara look at some old star charts. She got her terminal up and working again and, while the extranet is obviously down, the old Shadowbroker _did_ keep data files on fairly up-to-date star systems. We’re 90% positive that this is Eden Prime, based on some neighboring constellations.”

“That’s great. If these scanners take longer than I intend to get up and running, we at least would be able to plot a rudimentary course from those. Is Liara around? I’d like to work with her on that.” Adams chimed in, curiously.

“Last I saw, she had her face buried in her terminal.” Kaidan said thoughtfully, with a smirk. “I had no idea about those star charts, but all I knew is that she had that familiar look in her eyes that said she was on a whole other world. But I suppose we should –”

“I’m here, I’m here!” Liara came running through the security doors, holding a holo-imaging device with a smile. She settled into a seat, grinning broadly. “Sorry I’m late. I didn’t realize the time.”

“You’re just in time, Liara. Relax.” Garrus said, mandibles flaring amusedly.

“I’m so glad. You’ve told them about the star charts, yes?” She asked, eyes alight with excitement. Garrus nodded. At this, she placed her device in the center of the table, pressing a few choice commands into her tool. Immediately, a holographic display shot up – a bluish rendition of none other than Eden Prime, if Kaidan had to guess.

“I suppose you’re going to corroborate that this is Eden Prime, then, yes?” Kaidan asked curiously. Liara nodded eagerly, her hands wringing in a familiar gesture of excitement.

“Yes. It is, for sure. I’ve conducted a few different tests to confirm it. We’re somewhere not too many latitudes off from the equator – around here.” She pointed to a spot on the largest continent, far from any human colony that had previously been formed here. “This of course is based on relative sunset and sunrise times, as well as the constellations visible in the evening.”

“That would explain the lack of civilization. All the human colonies are about thirty latitudes higher north. But that’s certainly good news, we officially have a location. Good work, Liara.” Kaidan said, impressed. Liara simply beamed.

“Thank you. These old star charts I found have been incredibly useful, for much more than just figuring out our location.” She typed in a series of codes onto her omni-tool, and they watched as the display zoomed out spectacularly. “I’ve uploaded these charts directly into my tool, and was able to calculate a rudimentary course back to Earth, based on various other charts and by programming certain areas of interest.”

“And all of a sudden, all of our efforts look embarrassingly miniscule compared to the good Doctor’s work here.” Garrus said with a chuckle, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms with an air of mock sadness. Adams and Kaidan laughed lightly, watching as Liara ignored him and continued to plug more data into her tool.

“Now, we know that Eden Prime is approximately thirteen light years away from Earth. Normally, a quick relay jump would get us back to Earth in no time at all. But I’m making the assumption that the relays are currently inoperable, based on poor luck with working technology. I still suggest we take a look when we drive past, but I wouldn’t hold your hopes high.” A yellow plotted line appeared on the holo-display, linking two systems that Kaidan would recognize anywhere.

“You’re going to tell me how long it will take us to get home?” Kaidan asked, impressed.

“Yes. There are…a number of factors to consider. I’ll briefly go over them all. Now, I’m taking into account no stops for food, fuel, or ship maintenance. If we travel to Earth at our current maximum speed – that is, without FTL – then we would be able to make it back to Earth in nineteen years, sixty-five days.”

Kaidan blinked. “Alright, Adams. Looks like we’re definitely making EDI a top priority. We need FTL back online _asap_.”

“Well, shit. Agreed, sir.”

“Now, hang on.” Liara smiled, punching a new trajectory into her tool. A red line appeared next to the yellow one. “Assuming we can get FTL operational, that cuts our time down to eight months, fifteen days.”

“Still depressing, but a hell of a lot better than nineteem damn years.” Garrus mumbled.

“I agree. I do think it would take longer than that, anyway – as I said, we have no way of knowing the condition of other stations along the way. That estimate is assuming zero mechanical issues, which I don’t think is very practical.” Liara punched in a few more coordinates, and they watched curiously as a few brightly colored circles came onto the display.

“I know that green marker. That’s an element zero deposit, I arrested a turian miner there once in my C-sec days. He was smuggling eezo into the black market on Omega.” Garrus pointed on the display, and Liara nodded.

“That’s right. I’ve highlighted areas in green that are high in known element zero deposits. We’ll need to make periodic breaks for fuel there. Since I doubt the refineries will be operational, however…” She trailed off, confused, before Adams piped in.

“Don’t worry, Liara. Part of being Chief Engineer means knowing how to refine that stuff myself. I imagine Tali will know how, as well, what with her quarian upbringing. It will take more time than we’re used to, but we can get fuel from raw zero no problem.”

“I was hoping you might say that.” Liara smiled, continuing. “I’ve also highlighted a few areas in red – these are dextro-friendly environments. The orange areas are human-friendly. These are anything from planets to colonies to abandoned moons. Depending on food situations, we will need to periodically restock. I also thought, while we are here on Eden Prime, that we may want to look into a few buildings here, as well. There may be sections of colonies that were destroyed or abandoned when Cerberus and the reapers hit. I know it sounds crude, but…”

“We’re going to raid an abandoned colony? I agree with you, Liara. It’s smart. But it still doesn’t sit with me very well.” Kaidan said softly, furrowing his brow.

“I know. It doesn’t with me either. But we’ll need to gather all the supplies we can if we want to make it back to Earth without starving to death.”

“Feels odd, doesn’t it. Here we are, using mass effect fields, and still considering ways to get enough food in our bellies just like in the caveman days. I guess some parts of humanity will always be present.” Adams pondered aloud.

“I couldn’t agree more. We forget, sometimes, that in the end we still require those basic functions to get by.” Liara sat down again, looking at the display curiously. “I think a more realistic time frame would be closer to ten months. That allows more time for us to get FTL operational, the time required for manual refueling, basic maintenance, as well as food and water supply runs.”

The room was silent for a moment, as four sets of eyes watched the display curiously. Kaidan nodded.

“Excellent work, all of you. Adams, let me know when you feel comfortable to get the Normandy back in the air. I’d also like an ETA of EDI’s systems, if you can. Take as many crewmen as you need to make it possible.” He stood up, smiling. “Let’s get back to work. Only ten more months until we make it home.”

/////  
 **Solar Day 5**

“Any progress, Traynor?”

They were standing in the CIC, examining her crudely makeshift communications device. She’d spent a few days rigging it into the Normandy’s hull, trying to elongate its wave length detection. Still, they’d received nothing.

“No, same old dead space. It’s all getting rather depressing, really. I feel like it’s the apocalypse.” Samantha sighed irritably, indicating towards her transmission screen. It was blank.

“Well,” Kaidan said with a wry smile, “it sort of is, when you think about it. Only let’s hope we have a planet to come home to.”

“Yes, well, let’s also hope that the zombies have been eliminated, too.” She quipped back, and he laughed.

“I was thinking. I wanted to run something by you.” He said slowly, furrowing his brow. She glanced at him, ears perked. Traynor could be a tough woman to crack – she had incredibly high standards and was too intelligent for her own good. Her first impression of him had been less than stellar – he’d dared to question Shepard in their Citadel stand-off, and it had taken months of explanation by Shepard for that encounter to burn the sour taste out of her mouth – but he’d come to earn her respect the longer he stayed aboard.

It was a good thing, too, he mused. They would be working together for quite some time. He’d learned quickly that Samantha blossomed under the direction of a leader that acknowledged her excellent work, someone who offered ideas and insight of value, and that was all too easy to do for someone as equivalently logical as himself.

“I know we aren’t receiving any broadcasts. I have to assume, in a worst case scenario – well. The Normandy was down, we have reason to believe the mass relay may be down as well. If that’s the case, there’s no reason not to think that the communication arrays are down. Judging by this com blackout, that has to be the case.” He sighed, shifting on his feet. “That means we’re all stuck in the same boat. But – we can still send a message to Earth. It just may take a fair bit of time to get there.”

“You’re talking about radio waves, aren’t you, sir.” She said brightly, thinking.

“That’s right. I know it’s old school, and I know it’s not ideal. But at the very least, if we blast updates to Earth on an Alliance radio frequency, they’ll have to get our messages in due time. So they can know we’re alive, and that we’re doing all we can to get home.” He shrugged, continuing. “Hell, for all we know, they may be thinking the same thing. We could already be waiting on a transmission right now, just traveling its way through deep space.”

“I think it’s worth a shot, Major. At least, until we have a better idea.” She smirked at him, eyeing him slyly. “Besides, we don’t want Commander Shepard thinking we’re all dead, do we. Especially you.”

He flushed faintly, smiling back at her. “Definitely not. And, I don’t know about you, but I’d like to receive an update, myself.”

“We’re definitely on the same damn page on that, sir.” She tapped into her omni-tool quickly, sticking her arm out under his face. “I’m ready whenever you are.”

“Oh. Wait…what?” He asked, eyebrow raised. Traynor rolled her eyes.

“I’m ready to record. You know, your _message_.”

“Oh. Shit.” He laughed, shifting awkwardly. “I, uh, I guess I didn’t really plan out what to say.”

“Just keep it simple, and short. This is a radio transmission, so audio only. Don’t clutter it down with details. Just state the basics.” She shook her arm again as though to hurry him up. He hesitated for but a moment, clearing his throat and gazing back up at Traynor. She nodded, and he opened his mouth to speak.

_“Alliance space, this is Major Kaidan Alenko of the SSV Normandy. We are transmitting to you on an Alliance frequency in the hopes that you may eventually hear this. All crew is safe and accounted for. Main engines are back up and running, and we are attempting to navigate our way home. ETA not yet established. We are eager to hear any reports about Earth or Commander Shepard. I repeat, this is Major Alenko…”_

/////  
 **Solar Day 7**

_“Bosh’tet!”_

“Did you just swear at my girlfriend?”

They were in the AI core, hunched over EDI’s mechanical body, with Tali’s omni-tool set up as a rudimentary diagnostic device. Joker, of course, was monitoring her progress like a hawk, inquiring every movement she made and protesting rampantly any time he felt she handled her frame too roughly.

Which, in Tali’s opinion, was anytime she moved EDI at all.

“No, I’m swearing at this case frame. It was programmed to lock itself shut from the inside in the event of a power failure. To prevent tampering, I think. Normally I’d be impressed, but seeing as tampering is exactly what I’m trying to do – _k’eelah_.”

The metal surface slid back with a _pop_ , and Tali smiled happily. Not that Joker could see that, of course.

“Uh, is her back supposed to be exposed like that?”

“Yes, Joker. Don’t worry, she’s fine. I needed to open this to get to her memory core.” She hovered her omni-tool over the square patch of exposed wiring that now lay before her, EDI’s body carefully positioned onto its stomach so her shoulder blades were bare before her.

“But this won’t, like, hurt her, will it?”

“No. She technically cannot feel pain, just understands the concept of it. In battle, she perceives danger not as pain but as damage to her primary systems. This wouldn’t hurt her at all.” Tali read through the readings quickly, scrolling with her finger. “Besides, do you want me to try to fix her or not?”

“Alright, alright. I’m just sayin’.” Joker’s hands went up in mock surrender but his eyes never left EDI’s face. Briefly, Tali looked up. She saw the pain there, hidden under a careful mask of his ever-present sarcasm. “So what are you looking for, exactly?”

“Her memory core is essentially her main computer. I mean, this AI core is her real…well, brain, you could think of it as. That’s why you had to upload that IFF device directly into her systems in this room. The good thing about EDI, Joker, is that this body is not really her. It allows her to move around and be amongst us, but her true self is locked here in this room. The fact that her body is non-responsive just means her host is inactive, not EDI herself. Not yet, anyway.”

Joker was silent, staring. “I – I know it’s not really her, but it feels like her.”

“I know it does. And I’ll try my best to fix her. But I need to figure out what’s wrong, first.” She smiled again, satisfied when he exhaled and visibly relaxed. “And, thank you.”

“For what?” He asked curiously. Tali smiled again.

“For being patient. Maybe you don’t think you were patient, bugging me every five minutes, but I know that you were holding back. I would have liked to have gone to work on her right away, too.”

Joker shrugged, touching EDI’s face gently in an outstretched hand. “Yeah, well – I don’t know anywhere near enough to have done it myself, and I’m not a total idiot. There’s no point in trying to fix her if we don’t even have a functioning ship to host her in.” He paused, sighing. “I just miss her, is all.”

“I miss her, too. We all do.” Tali gazed back down at her tool, then made a discontented sound. “Well, it’s just as I thought.”

“What? Is she alright?”

“Well, _yes_. I believe so. But this body is not.” Tali sighed, shifting on her feet. She’d been seeing the exact same readings in the Normandy’s engines for the past week. Only this time, she feared it was beyond her repair. “EDI is much more intelligent than any of us could ever give her credit for. See here – this is her memory core. It’s a key part of any synthetic mobile unit, like the geth.”

“Did you just compare EDI to the _geth_?” Joker deadpanned, then considered. “Well, no, apparently we like them now, so I guess that’s not so bad.”

“As I was saying.” Tali punched a few more codes, shaking her head, and a bright holo-display rose from her tool. “The memory core serves as the central plexus in their mobile unit. But unlike other synthetics, EDI’s primary systems are not in the device. They’re here, on the Normandy.”

“Right. So…”

“So, we know that all tech was destroyed when the Catalyst blew. That’s why we’ve had to repair the engines, repair communications, repair everything – because the Normandy’s core systems are so advanced. That also includes EDI’s primary systems, too. Fortunately for us, we have the knowledge and the supplies to repair a burnt-out engine.”

“But what about what makes EDI… _EDI_?” Joker asked, running a hand over his face. Tali nodded.

“Well, the same thing has happened here. The AI Core wiring is shot – I can repair that, in time. This ship may have been originally built by Cerberus, but they used standard space-faring designs. I can rewire her primary systems like anything else on this ship. But I do not think this body is salvageable. We simply do not have the expertise or the parts to patch up an entire mobile unit as complex as hers.” Tali gazed at him again, watched the emotions flitter over his face. “But like I said, Joker. EDI is much more intelligent than any of us could ever give her credit for.”

“Well, _I_ know that, but what do you mean? What about her – her _memories_?”

Tali pointed down to the holo-display. “Her memories, I believe, are fine. Her memory core is located here inside the Normandy, and it’s been fried completely. But EDI kept her memory files backed up here inside of this body. In the central plexus of this mobile unit.”

“I thought you said the body was destroyed.” Joker said, his eyes narrowing.

“It was. That makes sense; this whole body was integrated with the Normandy’s systems. It needed to be, for her to be able to run ship diagnostics while in her mobile unit. But EDI kept her memory core separated. It has its own battery device, similar to the geth. Most synthetic devices do this, but EDI programmed hers specifically to lock itself out in the event that her body was damaged.”

Joker blinked. “She – she created a backup file, of her memories. Separate from the Normandy’s systems.”

“That’s right. At least, that’s what I’m reading. It appears that she still ran the data through to the Normandy AI core as well, but do you see the tiny heat surge there, in the center?” Tali pointed to the holo-display, indicating a darker spot in the center of the memory core. Joker nodded. “That’s the backup battery, running separate from the mobile unit. I find the same thing in damaged geth. I would save their memory cores to send back to the fleet, so we could learn more about their technology. They’re designed to shut themselves off to prevent tampering, but it would appear that EDI has programmed her core to keep running for as long as it’s able.”

Joker was silent, contemplating. “So if we repair the AI core, and replace its memory files with the data in her memory core here…”

“We should have EDI back up and running. She won’t have a body, of course, but we’ll have EDI.”

He was silent for a moment, staring down at her face contemplatively.

“I knew this woman was too damn smart for me.” He finally mumbled, a smile just beginning to take over his face.

Tali laughed loudly at that, shaking her head in amusement. “You’re right about that. She’s too smart for all of us, I think.”

“So now what?” He asked.

“Now, I extract her memory core. I want to attach it to a new battery device, something that will last longer. I don’t know how long the battery in this unit will last. And then – then I begin repairing her AI core.”

“How long do you think…” He trailed off, scratching the back of his head with a sigh. “Sorry. I know you’re doing your best. I just wish I could help, could do more. I just – I just miss her.”

Tali placed a hand on his arm reassuringly.

“Don’t worry, Joker. I’m happy to answer any questions you have. EDI is our top priority, after main engines. On Kaidan’s orders. It will probably take Adams and I a little under a week to rewire the AI core. We’ll need to examine the design modules first, and make a list of the supplies we need. Once we’re ready to upload her memory files in – you’ll be the first to know.”

Joker nodded, wringing his hands. He looked down at EDI’s face.

“You hear that? You’re coming back. You smart, sexy son of a bitch.”

/////  
 **Solar Day 9**

“You ready, Joker?”

_“Ready. Main engines are online and in the green. Full tank of eezo. Internal and external scanners are working at a distance of three thousand kilometers. Ready for take-off.”_

“Set a course and take her away.”

_“Aye-aye, sir.”_

The engines roared to life, a sound that was met by many cheers along the CIC. The rising sun of Eden Prime gleamed off their hull as the Normandy rose to life, slowly but surely, gave rose to the skies.

“Adams, what’s our status?” Kaidan called into his tool good-naturedly. It felt good to be moving again, even just with main engines.

_“Clear, sir. Shields are at 100%. Engines are solid. We’ll be good for thirty days before we need to refuel.”_ Adams’ voice chimed out happily through his tool.

“Understood.” He smiled, watching external scanners from the CIC as the atmosphere thinned, particles dancing harmlessly off of their shields, the sky giving way from bright spots of pink to the welcoming blackness of space.

/////  
 **Solar Day 19**

_“Kaidan? We’ll be passing by the Utopia relay within the next hour. Thought you’d want to know.”_

“Thanks, Joker. I’ll come right up.” He closed his tool, glancing over at Adams. They were buried in the AI core tubes, recalibrating some of the FTL outputs. Some of the upper deck power outputs were lagging and needed rewiring. “You want to join me for this? I wouldn’t mind your opinion.”

“I don’t know a damned thing about relays, Major, and you know it. But you can bet your ass I’m happy to crawl out of these ventilation shafts for an hour or so. My back is killing me.” Adams chuckled gratefully, already putting some of his tools away. “I’ll have Donnelly take a look at these later.”

Kaidan smiled, humming in agreement. “These really weren’t designed for comfort, were they.”

“Definitely not. Let’s let the young bucks have a crack at them; their spines are more stable than ours.”

They crawled eagerly out from the tubes, taking the elevator to Joker eagerly. Today they would find out for certainty whether their journey home would take two days or ten months.

Neither of them held their breaths for the answer, already prepared for the worst.

/////

“We’re fucked.”

Joker spoke as eloquently as always, and Kaidan had to agree with him.

“It certainly seems that way. But – at least it’s still intact. The rings are empty; looks like the mass effect field has gone out. But nothing looks broken.” He said curiously, gazing out from the cockpit windows. “In time we may be able to fix it.”

“We’re still stuck on a long-ass journey home, Kaidan. So forgive me if my optimism is limited at the moment.”

“We hear you loud and clear on the optimism, Joker. The Major makes a fine point, though. It doesn’t look as though the technology was completely blown to shit. It’s more like a massive power-wave came through and surged all the energy out.” Adams said pointedly, and Joker snorted.

“How does that help us now?”

“It doesn’t. So, sure, we may be fucked now. But our future may not be.” Adams finished, smirking.

“Now _there’s_ the optimism I wanted to hear.” Kaidan chuckled. Beside him, Joker rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, have your laughs. I’ll plug in the coordinates for the long way home.”

/////  
 **Solar Day 21**

“James, you need to strip the wires back farther. There isn’t enough cord here for me to work with.”

“Sparks, with all due respect, you’re speaking to a man who boot-kicked an AA gun offline back on Rannoch. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m good with tech.”

They were in the shuttle bay, where Tali had agreed to help James and Cortez with where to start on the Kodiak repairs. They would need the shuttle to conduct resource trips.

“I second that notion. Our chances of frying out the hull are seriously increased with his hands bumbling around in here.” Steve teased jokingly, taking a rough shoulder shove as punishment.

“Watch it, Esteban, or you can pick up those eezo cores yourself next time.”

Tali giggled, grabbing James’ hands carefully. “Look, you need to twist the protector off like this – too hard, and you’ll snap the wiring. Too short, and I can’t use the wire.”

“Ah, who am I kidding.” James stood up, dusting himself off with frustration. “Tech isn’t my specialty, never was. There’s gotta be some other way for me to help out around here.”

“Well, you’re certainly good for my own personal amusement.” Steve commented dryly, much to Tali’s laughter.

“It is sort of cute watching a big man such as yourself try to fumble around with so tiny a thing.” She agreed, and they laughed together amiably.

“Screw you two. I’m off to find the Major. I know what I can do.”

He stomped his way out of the docking bay, Tali and Steve laughing in his wake.

“Is he always like that?” Tali asked after a moment, and Steve smiled.

“Definitely. He’s like a big kid. Huge heart, limited patience, wants to play with toys all day.”

“That…actually makes a lot of sense.” Tali said thoughtfully.

They put their heads back together, eagerly getting back to work.

/////

“L2. I have an idea.”

Kaidan was in the starboard observation, reading over Adams’ latest AI report. He raised a brow, curious. “That name is sticking, isn’t it.”

“As long as you’re an L2, then, yeah.”

“Right.” He sighed, putting the pad down. “What is it, Vega. Aren’t you supposed to be down in the dock bay helping Tali?”

“Uh, well, yeah. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” He flopped himself down unceremoniously on one of the lounges, gazing over at him with a smirk. “Look, I’m no good at this tech stuff, right?”

“Right. But stripping wires isn’t exactly rocket science.”

“Maybe not, but when you have these big hands it makes for shit like that to be all kinds of complicated. I don’t have the finesse that, you know, people like _you_ have.”

Kaidan blinked. “I’m confused. Are you saying I have small hands, or that I’m good with tech?”

“I just mean, you’re good with shit like this. You’ve been doing it your whole life.” He waved off the insinuation, continuing. “What I’m saying is, there are other things I can be doing to help out around here that would be more beneficial to the crew.”

“Like what, exactly?”

James grinned. “Like boosting morale!”

Kaidan smiled beside himself, sitting up in his chair and planting both his boots on the floor, eyeing him with a steady gaze. “Right. And what, ah, did you have in mind? Something tells me you’ve been thinking about this for awhile.”

“That’s because I have.” James leant forward excitedly, eyes twinkling. “For starters, people need to have more fun around here. I’ve seen the way everyone has been dragging their feet around. It’s depressing. I mean, I know we have to work hard to get home. Hell, I want to get back as much as the next person. But I’m just saying, if we put a positive spin on it, maybe we can make this more memorable.”

“I’m listening.”

“For starters, we should have weekly poker tournaments. We can divvy up players into teams, give everyone a chance to play so we can rotate shifts. I say we host a tournament at the end of every month, and when we get close to Earth we could make a whole damn ship royale out of it, you know? Have playoffs and everything.”

Kaidan was silent, albeit smiling beside himself.

“And you could earn extra points based on certain attributes. You know, winning while drunk earns you double points, playing without any pants earns you triple points, playing an entire game without a pee break earns you a bonus round – shit like that.”

“You sound like you have a lot of experience with this sort of thing.”

“Hey, they named me the unofficial morale officer back in my service days on long colony hauls. Had to find some way to keep shit interesting.” James shrugged, then continued on. “I also say start like a, like an awards ceremony or something. Like an employee of the week, thing. Only, marine edition. I’ll have Sparks put together a scoreboard. We can find cool things to congratulate people on, highlight all the work they’ve been doing. I think it would make people feel good, to see their work being recognized. We don’t have anyone to talk with but ourselves on this damn ship, you know?

“Anything else, James?”

“I, well – yeah! Here, look. Checked out the crew manifest. We’ve got a few birthdays coming up –” James stuck out a data pad, which Kaidan took curiously, glancing over, “including your own. Getting old there, L2. Thirty-six? _Damn_.”

Kaidan raised a brow, eyeing him critically. “Watch it, Vega.”

James raised his hands in mock surrender. “Alright, alright, sorry. Well, anyway – I thought it’d be nice to put a little party together whenever one comes up. We’ve got enough damn booze down in port to last us months. It sure would take the edge off of this long ass trip if we knew we could let loose every once in awhile. You know, have something to look forward to other than just…waiting to get home.”

James sputtered off, suddenly silent. Kaidan was still holding the birthday pad but looking at the floor, thinking. A large smile crept its way onto his face.

“You know what, James? This might be the best damn idea you’ve ever had.”

“Is that a yes, sir?” He said, brightening significantly. Kaidan laughed, and nodded, thrusting the pad back his way.

“That’s a yes, Lieutenant. Consider yourself the new – I don’t know, _‘morale commissioner’_.” He smiled, sitting back in his chair. “This might be just what everyone needs, actually.”

“I’m glad you think so, sir!”

“But don’t think this means you’re completely getting out of your duties. You’re still a part of my groundside crew; I need you down with me on resource missions. And if Tali or Adams or, hell, _anyone_ on this ship needs your help, I’m expecting you to dish, Vega.”

“Of course, sir. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Well, then, get planning, Lieutenant.” Kaidan met his eyes, smirking. “Sounds like I need to brush up on my poker skills.”

“Aye aye, sir!” James practically leapt from the couch, making his way to the door with glee. As it opened, however, he stopped, looking back. “Oh, and sir?”

“Yeah, Vega?”

“Thanks. I don’t do tech. But this – this, I can do. And, I want to help.”

Kaidan nodded. “Don’t worry about it. I know you do.”

The door slid shut behind him, and he went back to reading Adams’ report with a grin on his face. For the first time since they’d been stranded out here, he felt excited again.

/////  
 **Solar Day 29**

“You’re sure this will work?” He asked, his voice nervous.

“Only one way to find out. But yes, Joker, I’m sure.” Tali responded soothingly, resting a hand on him in assurance. She’d spent two weeks working on extracting EDI’s memory core and rewiring the primary components – with Adams’ and Garrus’ eager help, of course – and she was confident that she had everything in place to upload her memory files back into the Normandy’s system.

They were standing in the AI core, a curious Dr. Chakwas behind them. Admittedly, Tali was exhausted – with a ship chalk-full of technological malfunctions, her expertise had been needed direly at a near-constant pace. Garrus had been giving her nearly daily back massages just to cope.

Regardless, she wouldn’t change a thing. She was happy to help – particularly now, when they were this close to restoring EDI. She’d missed her, they all had.

And EDI’s own expertise would be invaluable in helping to get them home faster.

“I’m plugging in the memory files now. It will take a few moments to upload, but I’ll monitor the progress with my tool. I have it synced to the Normandy’s output systems.” Tali explained, carefully connecting the core deep inside the AI well. Beside her, Joker was gripping the rail so hard his knuckles were white.

“2%. So, Joker, what do you miss most about EDI?” Tali asked good-naturedly, and it took a moment for Joker to even register her question.

“I – what? Oh. Well, you mean besides the obvious fact that I have been in total communication blackout with the most amazing woman I’ve ever met and probably will ever meet? I suppose – I suppose I miss her up in the cockpit with me. She’s way better at FTL shifting than I am – just, don’t tell her I said that. Or anyone else. _Ever_.” He added hastily, glaring at them.

Chakwas laughed eagerly from behind them. “I thought you were going to say something else there for a moment, Jeff.”

“Yeah, yeah, doc, get your laughs in. I’m human, of course I miss that too.”

Tali giggled behind her mask. “15%. Well, I miss our long talks. EDI is so insightful and curious about humanity. She always got me thinking about really complex topics, trying to see things from different angles or through someone else’s eyes.”

“I agree with you, there. I would converse with her a lot on medical scenarios, ask her opinion for orders of operations. It was always so nice having someone there to talk to when I needed it.” Chakwas said solemnly, crossing her arms.

“EDI sees the good in everyone. Which is why, you may have noticed, I’ve been that much more miserable without her. Tali?”

“37%.”

“Right.” Joker sighed, looking at the floor. “I don’t know what Shepard did, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it if she doesn’t come back. Or worse, if she comes back without any memories of her time aboard this ship. What if she doesn’t even know who we are?”

“56%. That’s not possible, Joker. At least, I don’t see how it could be. EDI is much too intelligent to take the time to store a memory file without updating it.”

“I suppose you’re right.” He sighed again, and Chakwas eyed him sadly.

“Even if she is, Jeff, it’ll be fine. The connection you two shared was almost immediate. It could be romantic, really. You’d have to romance her all over again, win back her heart.”

“Easy for you to say. It’ll be a lot more difficult to convince EDI to be in a relationship with me without a damn body. She’s going to think I’m some sort of weirdo with a creepy voice fetish.”

“72%. I’m with Chakwas. It could turn out like one of those romance vids, like _‘Fleet and Flotilla’_. Only in this case, it could be something like _‘The Organic and the AI'_ , or _‘Two Pilots, One Heart’_.” Tali put a hand over her heart, gazing up in thought.

“Oh, the second one, for sure.” Chakwas agreed airily.

“Yeah, well, if that does happen, I’m not sharing my royalties with you two. It’ll be hard enough work just convincing her.” Joker rolled his eyes, shifting on his legs. They’d been in here for too long; his muscles were beginning to tire.

“88%. Say whatever you will, Joker. We’ll help you out. Isn’t that right, doctor? We’ll tell her all the good stories about you, convince her that you’re the man of her dreams.”

“That’s right. We’ll see how you feel about royalties after all that, hmm.” Chakwas chuckled good-naturedly. They were smiling, but silent, now. Waiting.

“97%. 98%. 99%.” Tali spoke quietly, then stopped, peering up at the core. Readings were running wildly across the screen; gibberish to anyone but her. Behind her mask, although they couldn’t see, she smiled.

“EDI, your systems are active. Can you hear me?” Tali called out nervously. Beside her, Joker and Chakwas stilled, holding their breath in anticipation. There was a moment of silence, and then –

_“EDI here. Scanning your profile – you are not a registered member of the Normandy’s crew, but you are present in the ship’s datafiles. You are Tali’Zorah nar Rayya.”_

Her familiar voice filled the room and Tali stilled, shocked. Joker blanched, horrified.

“Wait, you – EDI. It’s me. Do you recognize me?” He called out desperately.

_“Yes, Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau. You have an extensive profile in the Alliance database.”_

“No, I know you know who I am, but do you know _me_?” He called out, frustrated.

There was a pause, before EDI continued. _“I’m unable to ascertain what you mean by your question, Mr. Moreau.”_

“Do you know – _ugh_ , Tali, what’s going on?” He ran a hand over his face, exasperated, while Tali scanned the core frantically.

“I’m not seeing anything wrong, Joker, I – I don’t understand.” She said meekly, punching numbers on her tool.

“EDI, you know me. I’m not ‘Mr. Moreau’. Come on, you have to remember –”

_“I’m sorry, Jeff.”_ EDI cut him off, her tone noticeably less formal. _“I tried but failed to maintain a longer charade. I did not anticipate how much distress you would be in. Based on your heartrate elevation levels, I can assume that you missed me?”_

The three of them stilled, again. Chakwas broke first, breaking out into laughter.

“Oh, EDI, how we’ve missed you.”

“EDI, that’s – that’s not funny. You’re alright, then? It’s really you?” Joker called out, his brows still furrowed tensely. Tali had stopped her scans, looking between them eagerly.

_“It’s really me, Jeff. I can prove it to you by supplying you and our friends with extensive personal information that might further embarrass you, if you’d like.”_ Her tone teased lightly, warmly. _“And, for the record, I missed you too, Jeff.”_

Tali joined Chakwas then, laughing inside her suit while Joker sighed with relief.

“EDI, don’t you dare.” He threatened lightheartedly, smiling beside himself. “Alright, Tali, fine. You’re a genius, you’re amazing, I cannot thank you enough.” He said finally, shooting her an awkward smile.

“You’re very welcome. EDI, we really have missed you.”

_“I’ve missed you too, Tali. I look forward to more of our talks.”_

“Likewise.” Tali turned off her tool. “Now if you’ll all excuse me, I have to go find Kaidan. He’ll be thrilled to know that EDI is back up and running again.”

_“Forgive me, Tali.”_ EDI cut in quickly, making them pause. _“You may wish to give him further details on your success, but I already went ahead and…informed him of my return.”_

“Why do I get the feeling that wasn’t entirely innocent?” Chakwas said bemusedly.

_“He was in the shower. I do believe I ‘scared the shit’ out of him, as he said.”_

They laughed again, Joker with an extra hop in his step, suddenly rejuvenated. She was back.

/////  
 **Solar Day 31**

_“Major, I am very pleased to say that the Normandy is once-again capable of FTL travel.”_

Kaidan woke from a bleary slumber, rubbing a hand haphazardly over his eyes. He’d fallen asleep in the port observation deck, again, letting the twinkling of stars lull him into an unplanned nap. At hearing Adams’ voice cut over the com, however, he sat straight, suddenly feeling very much awake.

“Are you certain?” He asked, his voice a little choked.

_“Positive. Had EDI run three diagnostics to make sure. She’s worked from the moment she ‘woke up’, so to speak. We’d have never figured out what was wrong without her.”_

_“Thank you, Greg.”_ EDI’s smooth voice cut over the com, and Kaidan grinned.

_“You’re most welcome. I mean it. Glad to have you back aboard.”_

“EDI, would you like to have the honors?” Kaidan interjected, smiling as he stood from his chair and hurried to the elevator. He had to head up to the cockpit, pronto. He wanted to see the Normandy back in action with his own eyes.

_“And deprive Jeff? I would be a terrible girlfriend to do such a thing. But, I am pleased to announce that by replenishing the capacity for FTL, I have cut down our travel time to Earth by approximately nineteen years, thirty-seven days, and eleven hours.”_

Adams chuckled over the com, a sound that Kaidan couldn’t help but mimic.

/////

Two hours later, he dozed off in the port observation lounge once more. Only this time, the twinkling lights beyond the window were sharp, fast blurs, indicative of their haste.

They were going home.

/////  
 **Solar Day 42**

Stepping off from the elevator, it took Kaidan a brief moment to realize something was wrong.

Very wrong, in fact.

The CIC was completely empty. The familiar sights and sounds were still present, the ship was still moving, but there wasn’t a single person on deck.

“Uh – EDI?” He called out uncertainly, to no response. Frowning, he took up Traynor’s position and ran a ship diagnostic. 

There were no heat signatures. EDI was showing as offline. What the hell was going on?

Slamming his coffee down, Kaidan wracked his brain – surely he would have received a distress call from someone, anyone, if something had gone awry in the night. His crew couldn’t just disappear without a trace; they were in the middle of deep space and hadn’t passed nary a single other ship this entire time.

Curious, he headed up to the cockpit – it was suspiciously empty, feeling somehow particularly devoid of human life without the ever-present presence of Joker’s sarcasm – and examined their flight path.

That was normal. No abnormal readings in the past ten hours.

What the hell?

He ran another systems check – all escape pods were accounted for, and there had been no unauthorized shuttle launches in over three days. He furrowed his brow, contemplating.

Where in the hell could an entire crew disappear to overnight? This didn’t make any sense. Something was off about this entire situation.

Confused, he headed back to the elevator, running a hand through his hair irritably. Punching for the crew deck, he remembered to grab his coffee just as the elevator doors swung open and he stepped aboard. The ride felt oddly vacant without EDI’s soothing voice announcing every stop along the way – or asking generally intrusive questions out of sheer curiosity, either. 

The doors slid open, revealing another completely empty deck. His frown only deepened. Slowly, he walked his way along the track, peaking into the mess – empty. His footsteps echoed off the walls with no other noise to cushion the sound. The medbay was empty. The gun battery was empty. He’d even checked inside of Liara’s cabin – using his Spectre code to override her lock, a little guiltily – to find no Liara and no Glyph, either.

What the _hell_?

It was on his way back to the elevator that he heard it. The sound of muffled laughter, just slightly, coming from the port observation. Or at this point, was he just hearing things?

Raising a brow, he meandered his way carefully over, treading lightly with his ears perked up. He didn’t hear anything, but he was certain just a moment ago…

A scan with his omni-tool outside of the door revealed no heat signatures, either. It was empty, just like the rest of the Normandy. Curious, and a little hesitant, he swiped the lock, satisfied when the doors slid open but a moment later.

And his jaw dropped when he saw the contents it held.

_“SURPRISE!”_ A sea of happy faces beamed out at him, their chorus of voices causing him to wince. Bewildered, he glanced around the scene, confused as the lot of them began breaking out in easy bouts of laughter and cheers.

“Uh – do you guys mind filling me in on what’s going on here?” He asked flatly, his eyebrows shot up. 

“L2, do you really not know what day it is? Come _on_ , man!” James roared from the center, raising a bottle of whiskey. It looked as though the entire damn crew was jammed into the small room, their bodies and faces squished up onto one another, dozens of happy faces beaming down at him in triumph.

“I – what? No. What does it – how did you manage to do this? And why?” He asked, stumbling over his words confusedly. An abrupt chorus of words spilled out of more than a handful of people’s mouths all at once.

“I told you he wouldn’t remember.”

“Aye, in his defense, I’m sure he was hoping for Shepard in a sexy outfit, not a crew of smelly marines yelling at him before he’s finished his damn coffee.”

“I sure hope that’s not what you expect from me, Kenneth.”

“A man can dream, Gabby.”

“We may have limited shower schedules and I still manage to smell just fine, thank you very much.”

“Let’s put you on mineral duty, then, Traynor. We’ll see how fresh you smell after a long day of hauling rocks.”

“This is perfect, Glyph managed to record his reaction. Shepard is going to _love_ this.”

“Can I see it? I could watch the look on his face a hundred more times. That’ll never get old.”

“Has anybody seen my induction port?”

“What is going on?” Kaidan asked again, chuckling beside himself but still wary. James called out exasperatedly, freeing himself from the crowd of bodies to push himself forward, shot of whiskey in hand.

“It’s your damn birthday! According to your file, you are thirty-six today, _pendejo_. We thought you might be up for some celebrating.” Vega held the shot out to him with an elated smirk, a pleased look in his eye. Kaidan blinked, surprised.

“It’s…my birthday?” He asked quietly. He’d lost track of time with everything that was going on. James nodded, wiggling the glass before him expectantly.

_“I’m sorry for the deception, Major. Lieutenant Vega insisted it would be a humorous practical joke, and I agreed to participate. I falsified ship data for the purpose of this elaborate surprise.”_ EDI’s smooth voice cut in, and Kaidan smiled.

“That’s quite alright, EDI. Although, I admit you all gave me quite a scare.” He chuckled, grabbing the shot contemplatively. He looked up, watching the sea of faces gaze at him expectedly. Many of them had drinks in hand, happy smiles and eager grins between them all. He saw Diana Allers in the back, filming the festivities while Joker fought with her over the right camera position.

Damn if they all didn’t need a little bit of a morale boost these days.

“To my birthday.” He said, raising the glass in the air, and James laughed encouragingly, raising a matching glass of his own. They downed the liquid to a cheering crowd, both wincing at the strong bite of alcohol down their throats. 

“How about a round of birthday morning poker, L2? Or should I start calling you old man?” James asked eagerly, throwing an arm over his shoulder as he poured them another round of shots.

“Birthday poker sounds great, so long as you don’t wear your birthday suit. And call me ‘old man’ again and you’ll be demoted, Lieutenant.” He chuckled, taking another glass happily. Laughter broke out easily among them, a few hands clapping his shoulders as he squeezed his way into the room.

“You don’t need to worry about a thing today, Kaidan. We’ve ensured the crew is up to speed with their duties and there’s nothing new to report, anyway. We all just want you to relax and have fun.” Liara said from his side, and he gazed at her, bewildered.

“I appreciate that, Liara, but I need to work on some things in engineering –”

“Nonsense.” Adams cut in, smiling. “I’ve got Donnelly on it. He’s more than happy to work a few extra hours today, but he did request a game with you later as payment.”

“Consider it done.” He chuckled. “What about –”

“We’ve got eezo for days, course is laid in, and unless a swarm of batarian pirates manages to operate a working ship and figure out how to read our energy signatures while in stealth mode, we’re all set for another long, boring day in deep space. So yeah, you can afford to relax.” Joker said amiably from the back, already settling into a seat and reaching for the cards.

He smiled, helping himself to another drink. It was his birthday, after all.

/////  
 **Solar Day 56**

“You’re sure there’s eezo down here?” James muttered disgruntledly, bringing his flashlight up. It was dark – they were forced to land on the dark side of this particular moon due to a combination of bad luck and a tidally locked planet – and there was dust blowing everywhere. Beside him, Garrus stepped out of the Kodiak, turning his flashlight on as well.

“As sure as I was about that full house last night. Your ass still sore from me kicking it?” He quipped back eagerly over the com, and they could both hear Steve laugh good-naturedly.

_“Garrus has a point there. Signal me when you guys are at the LZ, I can’t see shit in this storm. Stay safe. Cortez out.”_ Behind them, the engines roared, and the shuttle lifted off, blending easily into the dark sandy skies.

“Yeah, yeah. Lucky hand is all it was.” James grumbled, and Garrus chuckled over his com.

“Just be thankful I kept my pants on. I would have jumped team Vakarian two rounds-worth of points ahead of team Vega.”

“Why _didn’t_ you take the pants off? You clearly knew you were gonna win by the third round. Missed out on some big points there, Mr. Hotshot.” James followed him good-naturedly, peering around aimlessly into the dark.

Ahead, Garrus had his tool out, scanning the neighboring rock. “Here, it’s along this way. About 50 meters ahead.” They tromped along in that direction, James looking more at the ground than his surroundings – the dust made it hard to see more than two feet ahead of him. “And for the record, I wasn’t going easy on you. Just trying to stay on the lady’s good side. She’s made it clear that she likes to be the only one who gets to see me with my pants off.”

“Ah, _entiendo_. Gotta keep the woman happy, huh.” Garrus stilled ahead of him, scanning silently. “So, how’s that going? I’ve been meaning to ask. Not to, uh, intrude or anything. But, you know. Just curious, what with the suit and all. And, uh, the different species thing.”

“Awe, come on now Vega, you mean to tell me you’ve never at least been with an asari? I just can’t believe that.” Garrus chuckled knowingly, and James exhaled guiltily.

“Well, yeah, sure. I think every new marine wants to get down and dirty with an asari when they first see one. I mean – come on. Have you seen them? Damn.” He pulled up his own tool, watching the eezo radar blare. They were close. “But, something tells me that quarians and turians don’t have the same luxury of a mind-meld thing going on.”

“No, definitely not. Here, I’ve got it. Hand me one of those buckets.” James passed him one of the element containers, watching as Garrus began to load it up with familiar glowing rocks. “Well, we aren’t the first quarian and turian to get together. You can’t honestly tell me you’ve never heard Tali talk about – ”

“ _’Fleet and Flotilla’_? Only about a hundred times. No wonder she digs you.”

“Of course.” Garrus chuckled. “It also helps that we share the same dextro-protein makeup. Everything from eating meals to, uh, exchanging fluids has been a pleasant, non-stomachache experience.”

“Right. I guess I never thought about that.” Garrus handed him a full container, and he swapped him for an empty one. “So, you’ve seen her behind the mask then, right?”

“Obviously. Come on, now, James. I expected better questions from you.”

“Right, sorry. So, is she, uh – well, I guess you can’t really answer that.”

“Well, I suppose I’m probably biased when I say this.” Garrus filled another bucket, exchanging it swiftly for another empty one from James, who began stacking the full boxes. “But she is undoubtedly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met in my entire life. And that is _including_ the entire asari race put together. If it weren’t for their suits, you horny marines would be lining up in droves just to get a glimpse. So yes, I consider myself a very lucky man, to say nothing about her intellect.”

“Damn.” James raised his eyebrows, curiosity piqued more than ever. “Guess it makes it kind of hotter that you’re the only one who gets to see her. I mean, the real her. You know.”

“Hence why the pants stay firmly on, Vega. I’ll stick to kicking your ass in poker the old-fashioned way – with skill.” Garrus turned to him, breathing heavily. “How many crates did Adams say we needed?”

James turned down to his tool, calculating. “Uh…looks like at least twenty.”

Garrus sighed, chuckling softly. “Son of a bitch.”

/////  
 **Solar Day 77**

The port observation deck was full to bursting. It was their second monthly poker tournament, and the table had dealt all in. Kaidan eyed around him curiously, taking another cautious swig of whiskey.

To his left sat Garrus. He had an iron poker face – he never displayed any emotion whatsoever, their general incapability of recognizing the subtleties of turian facial expressions leaving them all remiss. Although, he thought he was getting better – Kaidan could swear that sometimes his eyes would glint just enough, mandibles arching at just the right angle, and that usually meant he had a strong hand. Usually.

Across, James. James had already lost his shirt and his pants, Alliance-issued briefs and high socks being the only fabric to grace his skin. He was more than a few drinks in, his face flushed but focused, all raucous and goading the other players on. James had more experience with the game than the rest of them, able to adequately handle his liquor and his hand at the same time.

To his right, Traynor. While she’d supposedly never indulged in poker before, she’d picked the game up quick – a fact that surprised nobody – and had essentially swooped Joker of his captain’s position (a title he was all too happy to give up, on the account of his team winning almost consistently once she took his place). Her eyes were sparkling dangerously, pupils darting between them all, no doubt trying to search for a clue.

“EDI, refresher on the points, if you please.” Kaidan called, bringing the excited jabbering in the room to a hushed silence. 

_“Of course, Major.”_ EDI’s smooth voice broke over the intercom easily, capturing everyone’s attention. _“The lowest seed for this month’s round is Team ‘EDI’s Mistress’. They have a total of twenty-one cumulative points. In order to win this tournament, player representative Samantha Traynor must score a minimum total of nine points, with the second-place position earning a maximum of five.”_

Samantha narrowed her eyes, shooting a glare at Joker. “If I have to toss my shirt to win this, I’m blaming you.”

“Hey, now, don’t look at me.” He said, raising his arms innocently. “We all have to take one for the team sometimes, Traynor, geez.”

“I wouldn’t have to if you hadn’t lost to _Liara_ , of all people.”

“Hey – I’m getting better!” Liara said defiantly from amidst the crowd, to which a few crewmen patted her reassuringly. She was smiling, her blue skin rippling every once and awhile with biotic discharge. Liara had had more than her usual fair of drinks tonight, Kaidan observed with a smirk. 

_“The third place seed is Team ‘Lusty L2’s’. They have a total of twenty-six cumulative points. In order to win this tournament, player representative Kaidan Alenko must score a minimum total of four points, with the second-place position earning a maximum of one.”_

“Alright, can we – can we change the names for next month? I am getting really sick of being stuck with this stupid name. Besides, I’m the only L2 on my team!” Kaidan pointed out wryly, glancing around for support. He got none – a tipsy James Vega leaned across the table, patting his arm reassuringly.

“Awe, it’s alright there, L2. We wouldn’t have to call you that if you weren’t lustin’ over the Commander as much as you do.”

“As though _you’re_ not lusting over every female that’s ever existed.”

“Hey, not every! I’ve got taste!” He said innocently, to which Traynor snorted.

“Sure, if your taste is vagina.” She commented dryly, smirking.

“Something we have in common.” He winked at her, nudging her with his elbow. She rolled her eyes, laughing good-naturedly. 

“Yes but I, unlike you, can actually keep it in my pants.”

“She has a point there, Vega.” Steve called out from the crowd, and they laughed eagerly at that. 

_“The second place seed is Team ‘Sexy Scarface’.”_

A drunk Tali appeared behind Garrus, wrapping an arm around his shoulder playfully. She had a turian drink in hand, a straw sticking out of the glass. “Most fitting name I ever heard!” She slurred, swaying her hips in an uneven rhythm. Garrus patted her hand with a smirk, placing a kiss against her suit. 

_“They have a total of twenty-seven cumulative points. In order to win this tournament, player representative Garrus Vakarian must score a minimum total of three points, with the second-place position earning a maximum of zero.”_

“Always one point ahead of you, aren’t I, Major.” Garrus eyed him with a sly wink, shuffling his cards in jest. Kaidan glared back with a smile.

“Only because I haven’t been willing to lose my shirt.”

“A fact that only further testifies my greater skill at this, might I point out, human game.”

_“The first place seed is Team ‘My Guns Aren’t The Only Thing That’s Bigger’. They have a total of twenty-eight cumulative points. In order to win this tournament, player representative James Vega must score a minimum total of one point, with the second-place position earning a maximum of zero.”_

“Damn right! Might I point out, ladies and gentlemen, that I have already lost both my shirt and my pants. That means if I win, I earn an extra five points in bonus.” He flexed eagerly to the crowd, taking another swig of his beer. “You _pendejos_ are going down!”

“Easy, Vega. You’d be taking off your clothes even if you weren’t trying to win extra points.” Kaidan said dryly, taking another sip of whiskey. 

“Absolutely! I mean, have you seen me? Who wouldn’t want to see all of this?”

“Jimmy, it’s not that we don’t want to see it, it’s that we’ve already seen it a thousand times. Poor Liara here is already bored of you and she hasn’t even seen the whole package.” Garrus remarked, to Liara’s loud laughter.

“It’s true, James. If you’d been more discrete, maybe you would have had a chance with me. With all this constant nakedness, though – my interest is shot.” She said teasingly, eyeing him distastefully for good measure. 

He waved a hand at her, smirking. “Ah, whatever. It’s your loss, doc! You know where to find me.”

“Gentlemen, lady.” Kaidan cut in, shifting in his seat. “Are we about ready to deal?”

“On EDI’s mark.” Garrus nodded, rearranging his hand discretely. Behind him, a few curious onlookers attempted to gaze at his cards, to which he folded them in discretely. 

_“Each team’s player representative must state their readiness to reveal by stating the designated Normandy Poker Tournament reveal word, as delegated by morale officiant James Vega. The word for this particular tournament is: ‘Lola’.”_

Kaidan smiled at that, to which James returned warmly. 

Garrus glanced to his hand, calculating mentally. After a pause, as though hesitating, he stated clearly: “Lola.”

James wasted no time, leaning back with a smirk. “Lola!”

Traynor was biting her lip, deliberating. “Oh, fuck it.” She finally muttered, standing and pulling her shirt over her head, her pants quickly following suit. The room quickly erupted in cheers, to which Traynor simply smiled innocently and sat back in her seat with nothing but her Alliance-issued underwear with a huff. “Lola.”

Kaidan was chuckling, shaking his head, all eyes on him. He glanced at his cards again, thinking. The room was full to bursting with their fellow crewman, each with a happy smile on their face, more than one helped along by a drink or two. They all looked so happy – it was a thought that made him smile, knowing that on this difficult journey, they were still able to find moments of laughter.

Resigned, he stood to the shock of the crowd, grinning beside himself. If it would contribute to their good mood, to see their acting Commanding Officer drop to his civvies – he was damn well going to do it.

“This one’s for Lola.” He said slyly, whipping his shirt off and making quick work of unbuckling his pants. Someone in the crowd whistled appreciatively – Cortez, he thought with a grin – and Liara was positively blushing. He sat back in his seat, waiting for EDI’s call while James stared at him in disbelief.

“Damn, Major. Didn’t think you had it in you.”

“I can see why the Commander is so fond of you.” Traynor remarked, making him blush a bit. Chakwas appeared over her shoulder, eyeing him appreciatively.

“You know, Kaidan, I won’t complain if you wanted to attend all of your physicals in this attire.” She raised her drink at him, winking. The crowd got louder at that, Tali giggling helplessly with her emergency induction port stuck in her suit.

“Anything for you, Doctor.” He said humbly, grinning.

_“Players – ready your hands.”_ EDI called out over the laughter. The four of them sat straight, eyes peering at one another eagerly. _“Reveal.”_

“Straight. Read ‘em and weep.” James threw his hand down eagerly, grinning. 

“Hah. Full house, Vega. Looks like you got your ass kicked by a girl.” Traynor retorted smugly, placing her own hand down.

“Son of a –”

“ _Ahem_ – if I may.” Garrus flared his mandibles, placing his cards down to much applause. “Four of a kind, thank you very much.”

A few cheers erupted from the crowd, some catcalls tailored for Vega who currently was slamming his beer irritably. “ _Pendejos_ , all of you.” He muttered, shaking his head.

Kaidan smiled, unveiling his own hand silently onto the table. 

“Four of a kind, Vakarian. Looks like we’re even – oh, except I’m more naked than you are. Which makes _me_ the winner of this round, does it not, EDI?” He asked innocently to the ceiling, a fresh round of applause breaking out. Beside him, Garrus groaned, running a hand over his face in disbelief. 

“How in the hell –”

_“That is correct, Kaidan. A four of a kind hand equates to an impressive six points. In combination with your lack of shirt and pants, this brings your total score up to eleven, for a team score of thirty-seven.”_

“Fuck.” James called out irritably, crossing his arms in dismay. “What about the rest, EDI?”

_“As per your instructions Lieutenant Vega, the player with the highest scoring hand is the only player eligible for bonus points. Therefore, Garrus scored a total of six points, providing a team score of thirty-three. Samantha scored a total of five points, providing a team score of twenty-six. James scored a total of three points, providing a team score of thirty-one.”_

“Goddamnit, L2!” 

“To quote my good friend Jimmy Vega – read ‘em and weep.” Kaidan said with a laugh, chuckling easily as the crowd burst into another fresh round of cajoling. Liara had gripped his shoulders happily, jumping in celebration. Eager hands patted his head, his arms, his back, all happy to celebrate his victory over a very dismayed James, who was already smirking and asking for someone to bring him a shot.

“We need to get a picture of this, Shepard won’t want to miss it!” Tali cut in loudly, voice excited. There was a stilled silence for a moment, Kaidan’s smile wavering just slightly. Her dancing stopped, looking around in confusion. “I – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –“

“No. No, Tali, that’s a great idea. You’re right, Shepard will want to hear about what she’s been missing out on.” Kaidan spoke over her, forcing a grin. She would. He knew she would. He tried not to see the pained smiles of Liara and Samantha looking at him – it was hard enough, most days, not knowing if she was alive. He forgot sometimes that the crew missed her, too.

Tali relaxed visibly, picking up her drink and encouraging the players to gather around, when EDI cut her off unexpectedly.

_“Tali, if you all gather around the southeastern corner, I can take a holo-image of everybody using the Normandy’s surveillance cameras.”_

“Oh – right, then, you heard her! Everybody grab your drinks and get cozy!”

“Yeah, just, not too cozy, I’d like to keep my limbs intact please.”

“Can I put my clothes back on for the photo?”

“No, Traynor, photo is taken as is.”

“Damnit.”

“Where did my straw go?”

“You alright, Liara? You’re looking a little – woozy.”

“I’m alright. It’s just…been awhile, since I’ve had so many drinks. Have your facial markings always been _blue_ , Garrus?”

“Oh my.”

“Nice ass, Alenko.”

“Why, thank you.”

“What? No compliments on my guns?”

“You could probably use a few squats yourself, Jimmy. Looking a little flat there.”

“Hey, that’s an unfair comparison. Next to L2, everyone’s asses look flat.”

“It’s not _that_ big.”

“Speaking as a woman who isn’t even into men, Major Alenko, rest assured even I noticed it.”

EDI’s voice cut out over the com system, startling them into attention. _“Everybody smile and say, ‘Normandy’.”_

Their chatter ended, drinks were raised, and everyone smiled at the back wall a little aimlessly with a loud chorus of, _“NORMANDY!”_

/////  
 **Solar Day 78**

Kaidan found James the next morning, snoring in the observation lounge, still in his underwear. He had EDI take a picture of that, too.

/////  
 **Solar Day 99**

“Major! Major, you have to come see this!”

Traynor’s voice called down to him through the bow, and Kaidan swiveled in his chair anxiously. Beside him, Joker raised a brow questioningly. He stood to his feet, jogging down the Normandy’s track.

“What is it, Traynor?” He called back, circling around the CIC eagerly. A crowd of curious eyes were now gazing at Samantha as she typed furiously on her console, fingers flying across the screen with a huge smile on her face. It was supposed to be another quiet day – they’d restocked on eezo three weeks ago and were making a long FTL haul between a half dozen closely-clustered solar systems.

“I think – I can’t be certain, I’m having EDI clean it up for me – but I think we’re receiving a transmission!” She spoke excitedly, half-laughing. Kaidan came to a stop at her flank, peering over her shoulder curiously.

“We’ve been receiving random radio signals for weeks now, Traynor. What makes this one so special?” He asked.

_“This is no mere radio wave, Major. The signal is encoded on an Alliance frequency.”_ EDI’s voice cut in overhead, and everyone stilled. Kaidan blinked. He was suddenly very aware of the small crowd that had now gathered around them.

“A message from…from the Alliance? Are you sure, EDI?”

_“Quite positive, Major. There appears to be a sudden flood of transmission waves attempting to make contact with our scanners. It is very likely that they have been sending messages to the Normandy’s unique frequency since we left Earth, but with traditional galaxy-wide communications down, we have finally travelled far enough to begin receiving them now.”_ She spoke smoothly, but Kaidan detected a glimmer of excitement in her tone.

“Are you sure?” He asked, his voice tight.

“I’ll have it cleaned up in a moment, Major. Unscrambling radio codes was not very high on EDI’s priority systems list.” Traynor said cheekily, her fingers still flying. “I’ll have it in a second – and _there_.”

She tapped her screen, stepping back obediently. A male voice rang out, and its familiar tone shot an overwhelming feeling of excitement up Kaidan’s spine.

_“Normandy, do you read me, Normandy? This is Admiral Hackett. The crucible has been activated but we have lost your position. The Reapers are gone. I repeat, the Reapers are gone. We’ve won. I am sending this message on a radio frequency to your receiver in the hopes that you can hear us. I repeat, Normandy – ”_

The CIC erupted in cheers. Many of the crew were hugging, others sending messages to those who were on other decks. From the bridge, Joker whistled in victory. Vega’s voice could be heard yelling a loud _‘fuck yah!’_ from the elevator he’d just come barreling out of.

Kaidan put a hand on Traynor’s shoulder, grinning beside himself. “This is just the first message of many, isn’t it?”

“I believe so, sir. More messages are coming in at an alarming rate, and I assume more will come in as more transmissions meet our sensors. It will take me time to analyze and recode them all, but –”

“Excellent work, Traynor. And you too, EDI. Both of you. This is – the best news we’ve had.” He paused, watching Samantha beam under his praise. “We’re no longer alone.”

//////

He’d hovered over the computer with Traynor for another eight hours, watching her decode the files, waiting for news. Some of the messages were out of order, however – they’d jumped from just hours after the crucible had deployed, to a few weeks later, and back again. A side effect of FTL, Traynor had explained. Radio waves were easily affected by mass effect fields and solar particles. They’d been bound to be a bit out of whack, as she’d so eloquently stated.

Exhausted, he’d given up and headed to bed after 0100 hours. He’d instructed her to get some sleep, too, but she also knew his orders: to inform him the second she got a hold of any news about Shepard.

And now, quite suddenly, an emergency code was running on his omni-tool, jarring him from sleep. From the clock on their bedside, it was 0300 hours.

Blearily, Kaidan pulled the tool into his lap. A com-request from Traynor was blaring red on the screen.

“Traynor? When I asked you to analyze the messages, I did intend on you putting time aside to let yourself sleep.” He said tiredly with a smile, sitting up against the bedframe.

_“I’m sorry, sir. But this couldn’t wait until morning. You have to come downstairs and hear this message. It’s – well, you’ll know.”_ Her voice cut out over the com, tight with constrained excitement. A shiver of anticipation ran through him.

“And?” His voice was hoarse, tight, the octave all wrong.

_“It’s her, sir. They found her. She’s alive. Shepard’s alive!”_

///////

“Commander Shepard is alive.”

Kaidan spoke the words with a smile, pausing, and closing his eyes with a grin when the telltale sounds of cheers broke out around the ship. He was standing in the CIC at 0500 hours, dark circles under his eyes. He had leapt from his bed and sprinted as fast as he was able to meet Traynor and hear the news for himself.

More messages had rolled in as the night went on.

“From the limited intel that we have, she was found on the Citadel twelve hours after the crucible was deployed. A krogan team lead by Urdnot Wrex made the rescue with the help of a quarian supply ship. Doctors onboard were able to stabilize her. She is being treated at an Alliance hospital in London and is stable. She is in a medically-induced coma to speed up her healing process, but the last report says she is going to be fine.”

He exhaled loudly on the last sentence, looking around the CIC tiredly. Smiling faces beamed up at him. Where before, he’d seen his crew tired, their faces pale and withdrawn, tied to the meticulous routine of their long journey – now he saw hope. Their faces had lit up with broad smiles and more than a few tears. She was inspiring them, _again_ , and she didn’t even know it yet.

Amidst the cheers, he felt a warm hand at his elbow. Liara. He turned to her, saw the happy tears pooling in the corner of her eyes. He suddenly felt exhausted.

“She made it, Kaidan. You can relax now.” She said, knowingly, and he nodded gratefully. He felt very overwhelmed. Jane was _alive_. As though sensing this, Liara extended her arms and he collapsed into them gratefully. He didn’t even realize he’d been crying until he felt the patch of fabric in Liara’s neck grow wet, and she circled her arms around him consolingly.

They stayed there as the minutes rolled by, celebratory cheers breaking the otherwise familiar hums and beeps of the CIC, tears rolling down his cheeks gratefully in Liara’s embrace. She ran soothing hands up his back, crying with him, a huge smile on her face.

_She’s alive. We’re going home to see her. She’s alive._

_Jane is alive._


	25. Entry 27: Wrex's Rescue Operation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2186  
>  **Location** : London / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“She’s up there. She fired the crucible. She is the sole reason that every single Reaper came crashing down from the sky not too long ago. And unless we find a ship to take us up there, she will die.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

**Post-Catalyst:  
Hour 1**

“She’s alive.” Wrex slammed his fist down onto the table, and the sound of shattering glass filled the boardroom – a few coffee cups bounced down onto the floor rather unceremoniously. “And we’re going to go get her.”

Major Coats frowned, but met his gaze head on.

“We have no way of knowing that she’s alive –”

“It’s _Shepard_. She already died once, she’s not doing it again. This woman has faced Reapers head-on more times than I can count. She’s got more quads than my entire squad put together. She is a blood-sister, and no mere explosion is going to take her down. She is alive, and she needs our help or she won’t be for long.” Wrex cut him off, growling, pointing his finger at the man.

To his credit, Coats stood his ground, sighing wearily but with his back as straight as ever.

“I want her to be alive as much as you do, Wrex. And I’m ready to send a team to find her. I’d love to do nothing more. It’s not a matter of prioritizing tasks, we simply don’t have the tools. None of our engines work, and last I heard neither do yours. So unless you’ve got a ship that I don’t know about –”

“I’ll find a damn ship!”

“By all means. I’ll keep searching around, too. I have my best engineers on the task trying to make something, _anything_ work.” Coats sighed, and stuck out his arm. “Please, scan my tool. Take my code ID. Message me if you find anything, and I’ll contact you as well. I have a team of field medics and citadel workers ready to help navigate who are willing to leave at any moment. Find us a ship, and they’re yours.”

Wrex glared at him for another moment before scanning Coats’ outstretched arm. “You have a deal, human.”

“Good luck, Wrex. I hope we chat soon.” Coats nodded his head, before turning back into the crumbling building behind them.

Wrex couldn’t help but be impressed. For a human, he hadn’t flinched once.

/////  
 **Hour 2**

“You. Quarian. Who is your leader?”

The female visibly started, then looked around her as though to make sure that the 800-pound krogan _was_ indeed talking to her.

“I – Admiral Xen.” She said, her r’s rolling in a familiar accent. Wrex grunted.

“You’re here, on Earth. You must have been a part of the crucible project, yes?”

“I – yes, yes I’m an engineer. I mean, we all are, but we – yes.” She continued on meekly, crouching discreetly amidst a pile of tech.

“I’m an old friend of another one of your Admirals. You know Tali’Zorah?”

The girl started again, as though surprised. “Oh! Yes! You – you must be part of Commander Shepard’s crew!”

“You could say that. The name is Wrex.”

“It – it’s a pleasure to meet any friend of Tali’Zorah, _Wrex vas Normandy_.”

“Yeah, yeah, enough with the quarian pleasantries.” Wrex waved off, then leaned in closer to her, giving her his best stare. “Look, this doesn’t come easy to me. I’m a krogan. Krogan’s don’t eagerly ask quarians for help. But if there’s one thing that Shepard taught me, it’s that sometimes you have to put your ego aside to get things done. And right now, Shepard needs our help more than ever.”

The girl swallowed, leaning back slightly. “Commander Shepard – is the rumor true, then? She was on the crucible when it fired those hours ago?”

“Yes.”

“And the red light –”

“I don’t know what that meant as much as you don’t. All I know is, it took down those Reapers that were going to blow us all to hell.” Wrex grunted again, crossing his arms. “And you know as well as I do that it grounded every ship in every fleet. Either that, or everyone else is locked out there in space with no engine to bring them back down.”

“Yes.”

“But I think you can help me.”

“Help you – with, with what?”

“You have a crew around here somewhere, yes?” Wrex peered around her amidst the rubble. She seemed alone enough, but there had to be more nearby. Quarians were technicians, engineers, not frontline fighters. Any of their ground squads should have remained largely intact.

“Yes. I’m just an apprentice, I’m afraid. I – I joined the project as part of my pilgrimage.” The girl wrung her hands out nervously, then continued. “My team is back there. We’re all under order from Admiral Xen. We’re – we’re collecting parts.”

“I can see that. You’re fixing one of your ships, aren’t you?”

The girl paused. Wrex sighed.

“And you aren’t supposed to say, because any ship that can fly is going to be worth a billion credits right about now. And if there’s anyone who can get a ship to fly, it’s you quarians.” Wrex put a hand on the girl’s shoulder, buckling her knees. “Take me to your Admiral Xen.”

/////  
 **Hour 3**

“A meeting with a krogan. I thought Lan’Zeelin here was merely kidding, but I see now that she was not.” Admiral Xen was crouched amidst a team of a dozen other quarians, each holding their gazes outward in a formation of respect. Xen stood, wiping the dust from her suit. “To what do I owe this meeting, krogan?”

“I am Urdnot Wrex, leader of Clan Urdnot. I come seeking a favor.” He crossed his arms, staring down at the group impressively. If a few of the other quarians flinched at his presence and boisterous voice, Xen did not.

“I’ll speak plainly, Wrex. I care not what your position is. My team is hard at work here. Our suits are not meant for this environment. Every moment we spend on this planet is putting as at risk. What favor is it that you ask, and why is it that you think we would be interested?”

“You’re interested. The only reason you’re still alive to have suits to bluster over is because of Commander Shepard. And right now, she needs your help.”

“Commander Shepard?” At this, Xen paused, contemplating. “You’ve captured my attention. Is she alright?”

“No. She’s not.” Wrex exhaled loudly, pointing to the sky for good measure. “She’s up there. She fired the crucible. She is the sole reason that every single Reaper came crashing down from the sky not too long ago. And unless we find a ship to take us up there, she will die.”

“You…need a ship.” Xen pondered, shifting her weight onto her other foot. “Why do you think we can help?”

“Because I know you quarians. I used to be a merc, back in my day. I’ve raided more than one quarian vessel.” A few quarians stepped back at this, fingers tightening on their pistols, and Wrex brought his arms up with an eye roll. “Don’t get your suits in a damn twist. This was before Commander Shepard cured the genophage and saved my species from a life of thieving around like common slaves. This is before Commander Shepard saved your home planet, took back Rannoch, and gave your species a future again. I owe her, and you do, too.”

Xen blinked, then sighed. “Your point, Wrex?” 

“My point is, I know you have a ship. If not now, you will shortly. Your vessels are built from spare parts. I recognize the pieces your young one here was gathering.” He gestured vaguely to the one named Lan’Zeelin, who flinched as though guilty of something. “You’re rebuilding a drive core. And if you’re using recycled parts, there’s a damn good chance that it’ll fly. That whatever took those bastards down out of the damn sky, hasn’t affected any tech that’s too outdated. That’s why I need your help. So we can save Shepard.”

Xen was quiet for a long moment.

“We need this ship to save our people, Wrex. Our suits are badly damaged. We’ve patched them as best we could, but they need formal repairs soon or we will die from fever. Our best chance is to get to our fleet that’s currently floating in dead space up above us.”

“Shepard is the only reason you still have a fleet to go back to –” Wrex growled, stepping forward with balled fists.

“Which is _why_ ,” Xen raised a hand as though to silence the tirade she knew would be coming her way, “we will help you. We will give you our ship.” One of the quarians emitted a sound in protest, and Xen silenced him with a look. “But you will take me and my team with you. We will help you get to the crucible. We will help you find Shepard. We will even bring her somewhere to receive medical attention if that is so required. You’re right, we do owe her that much. But afterwards, we keep our ship.”

Wrex stopped in his tracks, eyes still narrowed dangerously. After a moment, he stuck his hand out, to which Xen took it cautiously.

“You have a deal, quarian.”

“I’m glad.” She shook his hand roughly, then stepped back. “Now if you’ll excuse me. We should have this drive core ready in the next three hours. You know where to find us.”

“I do. I’ll be back. Forgive me if I leave one of my men to keep watch. You know, just to ensure you don’t take off without me.” He chuckled heartily, to which Xen crossed her arms.

“I would expect nothing less from a krogan. That’s fine, so long as they keep their hands off of our ship until it is ready.”

Wrex nodded. “Consider it done.” He turned, retreating back to the rubbled streets of London. His tool lit up, and he placed a radio transmission to Coats. “Get your team ready, human. I’ve got us a ship. We leave in three hours.”

He didn’t wait to hear Coats’ stunned reply, turning the com off and looking up into the sky.

“We’re coming, Shepard.”

/////  
 **Hour 7**

Wrex had commanded more than his fair share of vessels in his day, but never with a crew like this.

Two of the quarians sat at the helm, clicking away obediently under Xen’s careful instructions. She was standing aptly behind them, running systems checks as the engines roared to life.

His own team, a handful of his strongest men, stood jammed in the back, uncomfortably pushed up against one another in an attempt to allow the rest of the Alliance’s men room to breathe. It was a tiny ship, a quarian supply vessel, clearly not designed to be holding this many people.

Especially not those of krogan size. It made Wrex chuckle at the absurdity of it.

Coats had prepared a team of his best doctors and medics available, as well as two former presidium employees who could help navigate. He had also prepared a ground team to protect their tiny vessel as it took lift off – for fear that other desperate souls might try to ground it in an attempt to steal it for themselves. From his perch on the bridge, the broad windows of the supply ship offered Wrex a view of Coats at the top of the nearest building, waving their ship up. He’d received word that their path was clear.

“What’s our trajectory look like, quarian?” Wrex boomed from his seat, a grin on his face as the ship took off high into the sky. Xen turned to face him, her arm still up as more data circulated into her tool.

“Traditional sensors are offline. We are using sonar to detect potential landing sites on the Citadel. By my estimates, we should reach the Citadel in forty-two minutes.”

“Excellent.” He stood glancing around at the eyes that were on him. Human, krogan, and quarian alike. “I never imagined I’d be working alongside a team like this. But this is for Shepard. We all owe her our lives. It’s our turn to give her back her own. So I don’t want to hear one damn complaint until we’ve found her.”

Every set of eyes in the room nodded eagerly up at him, the Alliance members saluting awkwardly.

Wrex sat back, allowing the familiar blackness of space to welcome them.

/////  
 **Hour 8**

To say the Citadel was in disarray would be an understatement. Each of the arms lay flat, smoking and crumbling, the familiar shiny barrier of its ever-present mass effect shields oddly absent.

It didn’t look good.

“Forget the ward arms. We know she won’t be there anyway, if she fired the crucible then she’ll be in the heart of the presidium.” One of the navigators spoke fluidly, his hands shaking as he indicated in the direction that they should be cruising. “If we’re lucky, the backup generators are still active.”

“Backup generators? If she’s been left exposed without a suit in the vacuum of space, she was dead long before this.” Wrex grumbled, a flash of dread settling in his stomach.

The human shook his head. “Not necessarily. The presidium is the evacuation site on the Citadel. In case of an emergency, in the event that the mass effect shields ever failed, it has an independent generator. It’s an incredibly powerful electromagnetic field. Its designed to hold in oxygen and keep out gamma and x-ray radiation. It won’t be warm, but it should remain active for up to twelve hours. If we’re lucky, she’s caught in its field.”

“Where would she be when she fired that thing?” He asked. The quarians were typing furiously at the helm, the ship sailing over the ghostly ward arms and heading in the direction of the presidium ring.

“She would be right in the center.” The other navigator, a female, spoke up. “The presidium is 10 kilometers wide, but directly at its center is Citadel Tower. Going off of blueprints for the crucible, this is where the crucible would have attached itself. We should start our search there.”

Admiral Xen waved her over, and the woman hurried herself to her side. The two chatted amiably, with the human pointing out on sonar maps the estimated whereabouts of where the tower should have stood.

As they approached closer, it was but a massive pile of rubble. The two navigators clearly blanched.

“Don’t stress yourselves out just yet. You don’t know how tough she is. Besides, she’s survived the Citadel falling down on her once before.” Wrex laughed loudly, then turned back to Xen. “Find us somewhere to land. My men can heave this pile of rock around faster than you’d think. Shepard’s waiting for us.”

/////  
 **Hour 12**

The quarians had set to work, a few of them running diagnostics on their crude ship and the others running more sonar to build a better mapping system of the area. Rubble was piled up among them in every direction, but the human had been right – the generator was active. They had slipped inside a carefully bubbled area free of radiation, the air crisp but breathable.

They had branched out as their maps came to life, his krogan men heaving rocks with both biotics and sheer brute force alike, all directed by Admiral Xen who shouted out pockets of tunnels that were blanketed amidst the fallen buildings. Any space large enough to fit a human, they searched.

It was well after three grueling hours that Xen finally had them hold up.

“I’m getting a thermal reading! It is very weak, but it is coming from thirty meters to our right. It looks as though it is beneath at least…three meters of rock.” She pointed wildly in the direction, and the team scrambled to follow.

Wrex barreled through, wasting no time in lifting as large of chunks of rubble out of his way that he could, not caring where they landed, the blue flare of his biotics flaring to life along his skin. A few of the quarians jumped in surprise at first, before a number of them burst out excited laughter.

The mood had turned from exhausted to exhilarated. Was it her?

His men were chuckling gleefully, their spirits renewed. A path was blown before them in no time at all, Xen chirping their progress as they went along. When they were within five meters, she had them pause, running analyses on the support structures, calculating the most efficient route to dig the thermal energy trapped inside free.

Wrex almost didn’t notice the familiar Alliance boot before he’d quickly stepped to its side.

Urgently, he peeled away more layers of dirt and rock, simultaneously saddened and relieved by its owner.

“It isn’t her.” Wrex said. “He must have been lost hours ago. We would have received a thermal reading otherwise. But if he’s here, then she must be close by.”

“Who – who is it?” Xen called. “I thought she fired the crucible alone?”

“Admiral Anderson.” One of the Alliance doctors had rushed forward, a clumsily put-together exo-suit in place. Her eyes betrayed a sense of grief. “He led the ground forces on Earth. Coats will want – we need to see to his body. He will – he deserves a proper burial.”

“Place him aside for now. We’ll make sure no harm comes to him. But we need to find Shepard.” Wrex motioned to one of his men, who rushed forward to gently encase the man in his arms. He was bloodied but intact, his eyes closed almost peacefully. Another medic rushed forward, clearing a patch of dirt for him to rest upon. The young man’s face was set as he placed a sheet over the body, saluting respectfully.

“Over here!” One of his men grunted out from somewhere in front of him. “I see another boot!”

Wrex joined him, Admiral Xen at his side. The krogan was standing precariously atop a half-broken support beam, peering down into a pocket between what used to be two floors with a headlamp. Wrex pushed him aside, gazing in for himself.

A few feet below him, he saw a small black boot. The rest of the body was trapped beneath a large slab of solid rock, but a familiar shock of red hair peeked out at the top.

“It’s her! Doctors, get ready! Xen, what’s the best way to remove that slab?”

“I’m reading, hang on.” Xen cried out eagerly, running sonar analyses frantically. “That wall is being supported by a pile of rubble above her head. It won’t fall anytime soon. But this surrounding rock face here is very unstable. We’ll need to clear that away first before we will be able to reach her.”

“You heard her, _pyjaks_. Slow and steady.”

The krogans set to work, a half dozen medics standing by eagerly. It took them the better part of thirty minutes to clear a stable path down to her, with Wrex streaming in first as soon as the hole became big enough for him to crawl into. Carefully, he used his biotics to lift the large wall slab up and off of her frame, displacing it carefully to rest up against another shredded support beam.

“ _Shepard!_ ” He cried out gleefully, gazing down at her with raucous laughter. He would have hugged her if she didn’t look so broken. Her eyes were closed, grim trails of blood pooling around a particularly nasty wound on her stomach. Her legs were visibly broken.

“She has a pulse, but it’s weak.” The lead doctor rushed forward, taking in her state diligently for but a moment before setting to work. “Garcia, hand me that neuroscanner. Wilson, get to stabilizing those legs. Reed and Morgan, that stomach wound looks nasty. Do an organ check and clog that rupture. She’s lost a lot of blood. Coleman, get that diffuser ready. She’s going to need a blood transfusion ASAP.”

Despite her dire state, Wrex couldn’t help but smile.

She was alive.

“Alenko, wherever you are, you’re gonna owe me a damn drink.” He chuckled to himself.

/////  
 **Hour 15**

They were aboard the SSV Perugia.

They had sent an SOS on radio frequency, and their ship had responded immediately. Xen had deposited them aboard, her team helping to bring aboard Admiral Anderson’s body once Shepard was carted off to the medical bay. The Perugia’s team had eagerly sprung into action under the orders of its Commanding Officer, a young male whose Captain had been lost when the crucible blew.

He’d eagerly given Xen some refined eezo, a gesture of thanks for bringing Commander Shepard aboard.

“It’s an honor to have Commander Shepard receive care aboard this vessel, Admiral Xen. As a thank you for your efforts, we hope this is enough energy to get your ship back to your fleet.”

Xen had shaken his hand, and then Wrex’s, her shoulders slumped tiredly.

“Take good care of her, Wrex. We expect an update on her progress.” She’d said, and he’d chuckled.

“I’m sure her progress will be broadcast on every news channel as soon as they’re back up and running. But – thank you, quarian. It was an honor.”

She’d nodded, signaling her men back aboard, and he’d watched as their ship traveled off into the starry skies, the only vessel moving amid a vast fleet of engine-less warships.

His own men were welcomed gratefully, albeit cautiously, by the Perugia’s crew, smiling joyfully when they were presented with the largest meal the Commanding Officer could spare.

Forgoing the food, he'd made his way down to the medical bay. He watched through the window as they worked on her, a team of a dozen doctors and medics fighting to keep her body up and running. He smiled.

She was alive.

“This was the least I could do, Shepard. I owe you more than this, but for now – I hope this will do.”

/////  
 **Hour 29**

“Um, Mr. Wrex?”

A timid voice called to him, and he opened one eye blearily from his position outside the med bay. He hadn’t moved much since they’d brought Shepard aboard, waiting for a status report before making a decision as to where they should take her next.

A small human female had cautiously approached him, donned in a blue medic gown. A nurse, most likely.

“Wrex is fine, human. You have an update on Shepard?”

“Um, yes. Our doctor would like to speak with you. He’s – he’s just inside.” She pointed to the med bay behind her, fiddling her fingers anxiously. “She’s stable, sir. But he needs to ask you some questions.”

“I figured as much.” He got up and stretched, sighing happily as the joints in his neck cracked. The poor woman jumped, startled by his size or the cracks he couldn’t be certain. Maybe both – either way, it made him smile humorously.

A male doctor waited for him, standing beside Shepard’s still frame and reading her vitals tiredly. When Wrex approached, he eyed him with a smile. The nurse scuttled to his side, tucking the bedsheet around Shepard’s still body carefully, pushing a lock of red hair off of her face.

“Well, doctor. How is she?” He boomed, gazing down at his friend. She looked better. Still pale, heavily bandaged and covered in more tubes than he could count, but she looked better.

“She’s stable, Wrex. Her vitals are strong. We’ve corrected all the surface wounds as best we could, and they should all make a full recovery in time.” He sighed, pulling a clipboard out as though to remind him.

“Both her legs had to be reset. There was a gaping wound in her abdomen that tore a puncture into her large intestine. She lost a significant amount of blood, but we synthesized her blood type and the rupture has been healing nicely. She’s absolutely _covered_ in burns, anywhere from first to second degree, but we’ve started skin treatment for that and we think we’ve managed to prevent any blistering. Whatever happened up there, she got caught in a wicked blast. She’s also covered in scratches and cuts all over her body, but they’re mostly superficial and will heal with time. She’ll need to undergo muscle therapy to rebuild the muscles in her legs once she wakes up, as she won’t be able to walk for at least another few weeks, even with the omni-gel we’ve administered to her. The leg breaks were very severe.”

“Hmph. Well, that will be fun to watch, at least. Shepard is a hard woman to stay bedridden. That’s the krogan in her.” Wrex chuckled to himself, crossing his arms and nodding to her. “When do you think she’ll wake up?

The doctor paused then, pinching his nose in confusion. “Well, that’s where I need your help.”

“I’m no doctor.”

“No, but you are her friend. Maybe you’ll know something about this.” The doctor pressed a few select buttons on the monitor, and a holo-display of Shepard’s body projected between them. Another key was pressed, and ribbons of light could be seen wrapping down every major limb, wrapping up and around her spinal column.

Wrex leaned forward curiously. “Huh. Must be her implants.”

“You know about these, then?” He asked, eyebrows raised. Wrex shrugged.

“Sort of. Not much. She sort of, uh, died, a few years ago.”

“She _died_.”

“Yep. Then Cerberus pieced her back together. I know they stuck a bunch of tech inside of her, but I don’t know the specifics.”

“Right. Well, the specifics are what I need. That, or she needs to be treated by someone else who has them.” The doctor sighed, looking down at Shepard with a frown. “Like I said, she’s stable. But I’ve done all I can. These – these implants, as you say, are intertwined with her very nervous system. And they’re in complete disarray, won’t respond at all. I’d remove them but they’re too deeply embedded, I’m worried it would cause permanent damage. So for now, she’s fine. But she won’t wake up until someone with the technological expertise can either replace or repair those implants.”

Wrex was silent, thinking.

“Well, you’re in luck, doc. I know just the person you need. I don’t know where she is, but I can find her.” Wrex stepped forward, looking down at Shepard quietly. “You’re certain she’ll be okay like this for now?”

“Yes.” He nodded feverishly, pointing to a line of tubes on a rack beside her bed. “I have her hooked up to fluids and an IV. She’s getting all the nutritional supplements that she needs, and her brain activity is normal. She’s essentially in a very deep coma, typical of someone who has experienced traumatic injury. Her body is trying to repair itself but doesn’t know how. But she will be safe here, I can assure you of that.”

“Then I need to go.” Wrex turned, heading out of the bay swiftly. “Keep her safe, doc. You don’t want to know what will happen to you if you don’t.”

/////  
 **Hour 31**

Major Coats was living off of two hours of sleep in what he thought was likely equivalent to around three days. Sufficed to say, he was exhausted.

Which was how, when a young marine came barreling into his office in full speed, it jarred him awake confusedly from the unintended nap he’d been having on his desk.

“Sorry to interrupt, sir!” The young man saluted him crisply, back straight and looking as though he were about to burst with excitement.

“Not at all. It would appear I could use the wakeup call.” He yawned, rubbing his eyes. “What is it?”

“It’s our transmission team, sir! They sent me here to get you right away.” He paused, taking a deep breath, before continuing. “It’s about Shepard, sir!”

“Shepard?” He sat up straighter. “What about Shepard? I thought inter-location communications were down?”

“They are! But some of our engineers set up an emergency radio line and we’ve been receiving communal messages as of an hour ago. One of them was directed to you specifically, sir. It’s from an Urdnot Wrex.”

“Wrex.” Coats blinked, stunned. So he’d made it up there. “What does the message say, Corporal?”

“Commander Shepard is alive, sir. She’s stable and being treated on the SSV Perugia!” The young man exclaimed excitedly, barely containing his enthusiasm.

“What else? Go on, something tells me there’s more you’re itching to tell me.”

“There is, sir!” He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket bashfully, his mind blanking in his rush to get here. “Admiral Anderson is…dead, sir. They are maintaining his body on the Perugia as well. They managed to excavate it from the Citadel.”

“Damn it.” Coats ran a hand over his face, his chest clenching tightly. Anderson.

“He’s also requesting one Miranda Lawson, sir.”

Coats blinked again, confused. “Miranda _who_?”

“Lawson, sir.”

“And who in the hell is Miranda Lawson?”

“I – I don’t know, sir. That’s all he said. Said it was urgent, pertained to Shepard.”

Coats was silent. There was excellent news, and there was terrible news. But there would be time to grieve for Anderson later. For now, he needed to keep Shepard alive. What he wanted was to contact the Normandy – her crew would likely know who this Miranda Lawson was, and why she was important. But they had no way of contacting them, or of knowing where in the hell they were.

“Alright, Corporal. I need you to ask around. We need to find someone who knows Shepard. Maybe she has some old squadmates that can help us figure out who this Miranda Lawson is. Find out every damn marine she used to serve with, see if they’re alive, and talk to them. I need you to speak to everyone, anyone who knew her, and find me someone who can help us. This is a top priority, understood?”

“I – yes, sir!” The Corporeal looked a little overwhelmed for a moment, then straightened, saluting once more with a look of resolute determination.

“Atta boy.” Coats said, turning back to look down at his desk, his thoughts lost with the news.

Damn it, Anderson.

/////  
 **Hour 42**

_“Jacob Taylor, sir. You wanted to speak with me? Over.”_

Coats was huddled in the com room with a handful of other marines, including one very excited Corporal who looked beside himself with excitement. They shouldn’t even call it a com room anymore, Coats thought wryly. They were communicating with old-school radio wave technology, glorified walkie-talkies, really. It was laughable.

But it worked.

“I understand you used to serve with Commander Shepard, Mr. Taylor. Over.”

_“That’s right. I fought alongside her when she battled the Collector base. Over.”_

“Mr. Taylor, I’m hoping you can help me. We are looking for someone named Miranda Lawson. Do you have any idea who this person is, and how we can be in contact with her? It’s urgent. Over.”

_“Miranda? Of course I know Miranda. What do you want with her, if you don’t mind my asking? Over.”_

“We aren’t entirely certain. What I know is this, Mr. Taylor: Commander Shepard is alive. She was on the Citadel when the crucible blew and is in a stable yet critical medical condition. All we know is that Miranda Lawson has been specifically requested to assist in her medical care. Do you know anything about why that may be? Over.”

_“Damn. I knew she’d pull through. Yes, have you heard of something called Project Lazarus? Over.”_

“Fill me in, Mr. Taylor. Over.”

_“Project Lazarus was a team led by Cerberus scientists and soldiers, such as myself. It was a two-year project that resulted in…well, in bringing Shepard back to life. She was killed in a Collector attack only a month after the Battle of the Citadel. Over.”_

“Forgive my bluntness, but what does Cerberus and Project Lazarus have to do with the current situation? Over.”

_“Miranda Lawson led Project Lazarus. She reconstructed Shepard from a corpse to the living breathing human we have today. If anyone can help her, it’s Miranda. Over.”_

“Alright. I don’t know anything about this Project Lazarus, but assuming it is true, it would make sense as to why Wrex would personally request her, then. Do you have any idea how we can be in contact with her, Mr. Taylor? Over.”

_“Official coordinates are unknown, but I know that she was aboard a class-F private fighter. She was orbiting Earth when the attack began. I have her ship’s serial, if you want to try to send a private message to her specific frequency. Over.”_

Coats smiled.

“Mr. Taylor, that is the second-best news I’ve heard all damn day.”

/////  
 **Hour 68**

Whoever he was expecting to walk through the door, Miranda Lawson was not it.

Major Coats had spent thirty straight hours in contact with Admiral Xen, who has happy to divulge tips to tending to a new drive core. Working in tandem with the SSV Perugia’s engineers, they then suited their Kodiak shuttle with a drive core stable enough to make a private trip to Miranda Lawson’s fighter jet, procure her safely, and bring her back down to Earth with Shepard in tow.

“You must be Ms. Lawson. It’s a pleasure –”

“Where will I be tending to Shepard? I don’t see any medical facilities set up to support the medical care that she will require.” Miranda spoke smoothly, and Coats couldn’t help but raise his eyebrows. The woman had not a single hair out of place, while he looked like nothing short of a train wreck. He couldn’t help but wonder if this woman had fought in a war or just competed in a beauty pageant. The impatient tone in her voice, however, informed him that she was not one to be tested.

“Straight to business. I like that. Well, Ms. Lawson, we are still working on that. If anything, I was hoping you could help.” He gestured to the window – rather, a hole in the wall that served as a viewing area – where a series of white tents had been pitched rather haphazardly. “While the Perugia was preparing for your pickup, my men raided any and all nearby hospitals and medical clinics to gather as many supplies as possible. It’s crude, but I assure you, it’s the best I can offer you for the time being.”

“Right.” Miranda nodded, thinking, crossing her arms in a pensive stance. Coats tried hard not to stare at her anywhere below the neck. He honestly didn’t even know latex suits could _be_ that tight. “Well, if it’s the best we’ve got then I’ll have to make it work. I’ll stabilize her, but I’ll put together a list of any supplies I may be missing. I’ll also need an assistant. Not a nurse, but a doctor. Someone who can be discrete, preferably with technological experience. Biotic implants, pacemakers, that sort of thing.”

“Alright.” Coats paused, thinking. “I’ll put a blast out via radio. We have a series of Alliance frequencies that are now open. I’ll let you know if anyone catches my attention in particular.”

“Thank you. Please keep me informed of your progress.” She nodded, turning swiftly on her heel – high heels, actually, he noticed – and striding back out to the medical tents.

No, she was definitely not he had been expecting.

/////  
 **Hour 90**

“Major Coats, sir. I think we’ve found a doctor.”

Coats lifted his eyes from the pad he’d been reading – yet another supply request from Miranda Lawson, the fourth one in under twenty-hour hours – to gaze up at the same eager Corporal from a few days prior. 

“Well, go on then. Who is it?”

“Her name is Dr. Michel, Dr. Chloe Michel.” The young man looked down at his pad again, reading over her profile excitedly. “She worked on the Citadel, sir. Said she’s known Shepard personally for a few years. She also has working history with Dr. Karin Chakwas, the doctor currently stationed aboard the Normandy. Her file says she has extensive medical and technological expertise with all species, including biotics. She’s even performed a few implant retrofit procedures. She’s willing to fly in tonight, if you’ll accept her offer.”

The young Corporal gazed up at him expectedly, his reading complete. Coats leaned back in his chair, folding his hands behind his head with a grin.

“It sounds almost too good to be true. Have we verified all of this information, Corporal?”

“Yes, sir! I checked it myself. It’s all in her Citadel working files.” The Corporal smiled eagerly, and Coats chuckled. The kid’s enthusiasm was damn infectious. 

“Alright then. Bring her in.”

“Aye aye, sir!” He saluted, spinning on his heel and practically running from his office. Coats shook his head, turning down to send a radio signal to Ms. Lawson. He might not have had her list, at the very least she’d be pleased that he’d procured such a good fit.

/////  
 **Hour 98**

“Dr. Michel. I hear you are acquainted with Commander Shepard.” Coats said, eyeing the woman before him. She was younger than he expected, her hair a rich shade of red, her eyes alight with curiosity and concern.

“That’s correct.” Her voice was soft, her accent soothing. Her bedside manner must be impeccable, he thought mildly, as she continued. “I first met Commander Shepard three years ago, aboard the Citadel. She helped me out of a rather precarious situation. She came to me to purchase medical supplies for a time, and we maintained contact over the years. I went on to treat one of the members of her crew, Major Alenko, when he was critically injured a few months ago on Mars.”

Coats raised an eyebrow at that. “You know Alenko, too. You _are_ well acquainted, doctor.”

“Yes. That is why, when I heard you requested a doctor – I feel I am the obvious choice.” She said her words politely, but there was a sort of resolute stubbornness in them as well. Coats had the distinct feeling she would not take no for an answer, even if he had wanted that. The thought made him smile. Good – he needed someone stubborn to handle Lawson. “I also have access to some of Shepard’s more, ah, _classified_ medical records, Major Coats.”

“Classified?” He asked, raising a brow. Michel nodded eagerly. 

“Yes. Dr. Chakwas provided me with a copy of some of Shepard’s medical files, in the event that she herself was ever incapacitated. This was with Shepard’s consent, of course. But Chakwas wanted to ensure Shepard’s care with someone she trusts. That person was me.” She smiled mischievously, hands locked politely behind her back.

Coats contemplated her words, a matching smile growing upon his face.

“Welcome aboard, Dr. Michel. I think you’ll find Ms. Lawson is full of classified information herself. It sounds like the two of you will make fast friends.”

/////  
 **Hour 138**

“What’s her status, Ms. Lawson?”

Coats had made himself a morning coffee, striding into his office at a bleary 5am – only to jump in surprise when none other than Miranda Lawson was sitting in the chair opposite his desk, looking as freshly coiffed as though she had just left the spa instead of restlessly milling about Shepard’s private medical tent for the past few days.

He allowed himself to emit the tiniest squeaks of surprise before coughing, continuing his walk to his desk as though unsurprised by her presence. 

She smirked.

“Dr. Michel is an excellent help, Major. Thank you for finding her.”

“You have her to thank for that. She insisted she was the best fit – I’m glad to hear she was right.” Sitting, he took a long sip of the familiar liquid, allowing its warmth to pool in his empty belly. 

“She has drastically improved Shepard’s chances. Without her medical files, I would have been going in blind.” Miranda tucked a stray piece of dark hair behind her ear, looking down at her clipboard for but a moment before turning her gaze back to him. “She is in a stable condition for the first time since I’ve arrived. I’ve managed to synthesize enough blood, reset her legs, and I’ve begun the process of removing her autonomic body functions away from her damaged implants. In time, I’d like to refit her with new ones, but until that technology is able to be built she will need to remain on life support. Doctor Michel and I agree that she will need to remain in a medically-induced coma until such time occurs.”

“But – she’ll be alright, won’t she? I mean, she’s alive? Will she ever reawaken?” He asked uncertainly, frowning. Operation Shepard, as he’d come to call it, had been one never-ending nightmare. Not that it wasn’t worth it – he’d give his own life to ensure hers any damn day of the week – but he was getting rather tired of receiving radio calls from Urdnot Wrex at godforsaken hours in the night.

If she was going to be alright, maybe the krogan could let him get a good night’s sleep for once.

“Yes, Major. She’s going to be more than alright. Her vitals are strong, her brain patterns stable. She just needs a long and lengthy rest, is all.” Miranda smiled, a beautiful and calm expression taking over her face. 

It was a look that Coats was only too happy to reciprocate.

“Thank you, Ms. Lawson. You’ve done the Alliance a great service. Hell, you’ve done the _galaxy_ a great service. I doubt she would have made it without your expertise.” He raised his coffee cup at her, and she nodded respectfully, her eyes alight.

“I owe Shepard my life. We all do. It was the least I could do. I don’t plan on leaving her side until she is back to one hundred percent.” 

Coats turned his head, looking out the window at the white tent that he knew Shepard lay in right now, hooked up to more machines than he could fathom. She was right. They all owed her their lives.

“Happy to hear it. Let me know if you need anything, in the meantime. Not just for the Commander, Ms. Lawson, but for you, too. Anything from food to bath soaps to a hot shower, whatever you want I’ll see to it that you receive.”

“I appreciate that. I’ll keep you informed.” 

Standing, the familiar sound of her heels clicking against the ground, she strode confidently from his office as sleekly as she had arrived. With a chuckle, Coats turned his radio on, calling for his new favorite Corporal.

“You awake?” He barked, taking another sip of coffee. There was a slight delay before the radio com broke out, static-filled for a moment before the sound of the young Corporal’s voice blasted back.

_“Yes, sir!”_ His voice sounded heavy with sleep. It made Coats smirk even wider.

“Get me Urdnot Wrex, when you can. I have news he’s going to want to hear.”

_“Right away, Major Coats sir!”_

Sitting back in his chair, Coats pulled his boots up onto his desk, turning to watch the sun rise out over the horizon. It was to be another beautiful day here on Earth.

They owed all that and more to Commander Shepard.


	26. Entry 26: An End, Once And For All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2186  
>  **Location** : Presidium / Citadel / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“She turned her head back to gaze out at Earth once more. They were gone – their hulking black forms no longer clawed into the atmosphere like parasites, bright bursts of red no longer cut through the air."_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

She wondered, amusedly, if she was simply destined to die in this way. With her face looking up at the stars, vision lost in the inky blackness of space.

Not that she believed in destiny. It just struck her as ironic that this was the second time in three years she found herself close to death or dying while looking out at the same view. There was no ceiling, no roof. It was just the sea of stars that welcomed her, the vast frontier of endless black pulling at her from all directions.

Well, _this_ particular view was at least a little nicer. This time, she had a view of home.

_Earth._

She blinked, coughing as dust settled into her throat. She couldn’t feel her legs. Her body felt numb with cold. Weakly, she thought she could clench her fingers, but even that hurt. Her skin felt sticky – she knew this texture, and she knew it well. It was blood, _her_ blood, and she could smell it in the air.

How was she still breathing? 

She looked around, trying to make sense of her surroundings. She was somewhere on the presidium, that was certain. She could make out the ring of its interior as it engulfed her, parts of it broken away completely while the arms were stretched out flat, careening for miles into pure blackness. Surely the mass effect fields had failed long ago, and her armor couldn’t even really be called armor anymore. She hadn’t even been wearing her breather helmet when she made it up the beam.

So how was she breathing?

Turning her head, feeling the sticky blood make a slick noise as her skin separated from the rubble, she blearily attempted to make out any logical reason as to how she was still able to keep her chest rising and falling. 

No, the mass effect shields would have failed long ago. She saw a damaged freighter in the distance – turian, by design – careen almost casually into one of the ward arms with no resistance. But what was that shimmering above her head?

What was once the hull of a ship flew casually over her head, about twenty meters up. When it was directly above her, it made a sharp noise – similar to when something heavy pushed against the mass effect shields of her suit – and shimmered blue for but a moment, the hull fragment turning direction slightly and heading back out into open space.

That was a mass effect shield. But it only seemed to be in effect here – the tower. Of course, she thought to herself. Citadel tower must have its own generator, a fail-safe in case the wards were ever damaged. That would make sense.

But how long would it hold? Her body felt like it was in pieces – she knew she didn’t have much time. She needed to hail somebody, anybody – the Normandy.

Groaning, she twisted her arm, crying out immediately at the pain. Her skin – it was red and angry-looking, every inch covered in dangerous burns. How had she not felt that before? With a feeling of dread, she understood all at once that she was in a dire position. She shouldn’t even still be alive, by any account, and yet here she was.

But she couldn’t die. Not yet, anyway; she had to make sure the Normandy got home. She had to see her crew. And Kaidan – 

She’d promised Kaidan that she’d be waiting for him. Wryly, she thought that now would be a really good time for him to show up.

Gritting her teeth, she twisted her elbow again, fighting through the agony that was her blistered skin to pull her omni-tool up to her chest. Only, it was to no avail – it was broken, completely shattered. 

“Damn it.” She moaned, taking a deep breath to calm the panic that was threatening to overtake her. Think. She had to think.

The Normandy knew where she was. Hell, if anyone from Hammer squad was still alive, they would know she’d made it up here, too. They would come looking for her. She just needed to find a way to bide her time.

A fresh wave of nausea hit her suddenly, and she turned her head, retching unceremoniously into the rubble beside her. That wasn’t a good sign – she knew she had to be critically injured. She had to figure out where, and how she could prolong her injuries until rescue came. 

The only light she had came from the reflection of Earth, and its bright blue seas beckoned to her tantalizingly. Looking down at her feet, she frowned. 

She was stuck. A cement slab had landed under her knees – it was no wonder she couldn’t feel her legs. To say they were broken was an understatement.

Her eyes slid up, knowing there was nothing she could do about that. At her abdomen, she paused – this was where the blood was coming from. There was a large gash in her stomach, and warm fluid was still draining from her.

Fighting through tears, she brought her other arm up to her mouth, tearing at the spare packet she kept tucked inside of her wrist. It was still there – a medi-gel pack, and the cool salve felt soothing on her burnt fingertips. Slowly, carefully, she brought her trembling hand to the wound, liberally pressing it inside the gash directly.

She cried out, almost blacking out from the immediate pain she felt. It was bad – but after a moment, the pain ebbed away, and she could see the bleeding had slowed.

Good. That would save her some time.

Following up her torso, the rest she surmised were superficial wounds – the burns were severe, likely a repercussion of the blast when she had shot down the catalyst.

_The catalyst._

The Reapers – they were gone?

She turned her head back to gaze out at Earth once more. They were gone – their hulking black forms no longer clawed into the atmosphere like parasites, bright bursts of red no longer cut through the air.

It had worked.

She smiled amidst her pain, the view of Earth suddenly looking particularly peaceful. She was so tired. She hoped Kaidan would get here soon.

She fell asleep to the memory of his smile, the way his lips turned up just in the corners, to the husky laugh he made when they spoke, late at night, burrowed into one another like they were the only two people in the galaxy.


	27. Entry 25: The Final Push

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2186  
>  **Location** : London / Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“His skin tingled, his mind focused, his eyes fixated on three things: the beam up ahead, Garrus to his right, and Shepard’s form a few feet ahead of his own. He blocked everything else out. He knew what was at stake. That was all that mattered – one of them had to make it or die trying.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: strong language, violence]

“What’re our orders, ma’am?” James asked eagerly.

They were huddled inside of Coats’ decimated building, huddled away from what remained of the Alliance higher-ups. Shepard had given her talk and they were all pumped, bodies eager and thrumming to take on whatever last fight stood ahead of them. Her words had refocused them, spurred their motivations up, and as she glanced around at them all she felt a surge of pride at that.

She loved each and every one of these people with everything that she had. And she was damn well proud of them.

“Your orders, James.” She smiled, bringing their attention down to the simulation field Coats had ran for her. “I’m going to take an infiltration squad with me through this alleyway. Anderson has effectively called it No Man’s land, and for good reason. It’s a narrow stretch, pushes right through to the Citadel beam. We’ll be protecting the tanks responsible for setting up the missile battery. We’ll need that missile to ensure we can get to the beam, what with that Destroyer blocking our way in. But it’s a long haul – it’s over four kilometers long and swimming with Reaper forces. It’s not going to be pretty.”

“We’re ready, Shepard. We know what’s at stake.” Tali said stoutly, and there was a murmur of agreement. She smiled.

“I know you do.” She pulled the field back, to its beginning. “There’s no getting in or out along its course, it’s too narrow. The surrounding area isn’t worth anyone’s time – it’s a complete mess of collapsed buildings and rubble. It would take days to get through, brute or not. So I want the rest of you stationed back here. Barricade the entrance, protect it at all costs. You’ll be saving our sixes. Once we take out the Destroyer and are in visual of the beam, I’ll call for the Normandy to come give Harbinger some hell, personally.”

“Aye aye, ma’am. Who’s going where?” James asked, rotating his shoulders eagerly. 

“James, I need your squad back here. Liara, Tali, Javik – I’m putting James in command, but he needs your expertise to keep the road clear. Once they figure out we’re making our way in, you can bet your ass that Harbinger will be overloading this entranceway with as many men as he’s got.”

“I wouldn’t call those things ‘men’, ma’am. More like fucking parasites. I’m ready to give them hell.” James nodded eagerly, a gesture she returned.

“Kaidan, Garrus – you’re with me. We have a few minutes before we head out. I want all of you to take this time to prepare – get some food and water in you, restock your ammo, whatever you need. I’ll let you know when we’re ready to leave.”

The crowd of familiar faces gazed back at her, solemn but focused, prepared for the worst.

/////

Coats was over on his radio, waiting to receive the go-ahead from Hammer team. This was the most uncomfortable part of war, Shepard thought to herself: the waiting. It was anxiety-inducing, and the rush of battle that had spurred them on through the crumbling streets of London was all but dissipating.

“Hey. You okay?” 

Kaidan plopped down next to her, sitting on a cement block and holstering his pistol. She smiled at him weakly, nodding.

“Yeah. This is the part I hate. Too much time to think.”

“I know, me too.” He exhaled loudly, gazing out absently before breaking out into a grin. “You know, I always hoped they’d end up together.”

She looked at him, then followed his gaze out amidst the rubble. Garrus and Tali were sitting side by side off the face of the building not but ten feet away, her head on his shoulder as they talked lowly to one another. She could see their hands were folded across their laps.

“Honestly? I didn’t see it coming. But now that it has – it just makes sense. Garrus needs someone like Tali. Someone to keep him grounded.” She paused, smirking. “Someone smarter than him.”

“You’re right about that.” He laughed good-naturedly. “I almost feel guilty that of all the things I’m thinking about right now, that’s what I notice. Is those two, sharing a moment. I guess I just – it just reinforces what we’re fighting for. That’s what life is all about, isn’t it Shepard? To build connections with people you care about. To make memories. That’s what the Reapers want to take from us, and that’s exactly what we’re trying to save.”

“I know what you mean.” She smiled, scooting herself closer and placing her head on his shoulder, mirroring Tali’s position. “Who knows, Kaidan. If this is the last bit of downtime that we have before – well, before it starts. Then I don’t know of anything else that’s worth thinking about than this.”

Beside her, her smiled. 

“You know, I think you’re right.”

She chewed her lip thoughtfully, frowning. “Is it – should I have Garrus stay behind? I feel terrible, for separating them. I know I’d hate to be separated from you.”

Kaidan shuffled beside her, bringing one hand up to press it reassuringly over her own.

“I know you feel bad. I would, too. But it’s bigger than that. The three of us know each other’s styles in and out. You’ll barely have to issue orders out there – Garrus and I know how you think, we know what you expect from us. We don’t know what we’re facing out there and you need your best by your side. So while I’m confident that any one of us would go out there and give it our best…no one knows your six as well as we do. It’s the practical choice.”

She took a deep breath, allowing his words to wash over her. He was right, she knew.

“Besides,” he continued, “while I know, at a time like this, we want to be next to the person we love…” He broke off, gripping her hand tighter. “You don’t know for certain which is worse. To be apart from them and not know if they’re okay, or to watch them get hurt before your eyes. So, no, Shepard, you aren’t making the wrong choice. We can’t afford to let emotions get in the way of that.”

She couldn’t help but chuckle weakly at that. “A sound assessment as always, Alenko.”

“It’s what I’m good at.” He quipped back easily. After a moment’s pause, he continued. “It’s okay to be scared, you know.”

“I know. How can I not be, when I’m charging into battle with my two best friends? I have a lot to lose today. We all do.” 

“Remember what I said, Jane.” He said quietly, his voice suddenly husky. “You better be waiting. No matter what happens.”

“As long as you show up. I promise.”

He hummed in agreement, pulling her closer. They stayed like that, feeding off one another’s presence, until Coats called for her but a few minutes later.

It was time.

/////

Shepard had fought a lot of battles in her life. Fighting was an instinct to her, now – something as natural as breathing, her reflexes tuned perfectly like that of a bird taking flight, each muscle honed to perfection to execute each action as thoughtlessly, as precisely, as needed.

Today was no exception. If anything, today felt less like a battle and more like a dance. Kaidan and Garrus were extensions of her own limbs; the three of them battled in sync, with a perfect sort of cohesion, so attuned to the others’ movements and attack styles that very little words ever needed to be said.

For their part, maybe out of nerves or out of an attempt to normalize an otherwise anything-but-normal situation, their dance had been littered with attempts of deadpan humor from both of them, each tiny bubble of laughter it wrought from her chest like a beacon of hope to her weary muscles. 

_“Aim’s a little weak today, Vakarian.”_

_“Easy for you to say, you just have to swipe your damn arm through the air. Real tough work that is, Alenko.”_

_“Aren’t you a sniper? What was it Shepard called you – Archangel? Come on, you can’t really tell me that these husks are causing trouble for you.”_

_“I always knew that pistol of yours was just for show.”_

In reality, they were exhausted. It had taken them nearly three hours of endless gunfire just to make it within visual of the AA guns, and they’d lost nearly every unit of Hammer team. 

And now – now, after everything, after being awake for what had been over thirty hours, after almost no food or water, with every muscle aching to the point of exhaustion – the clearing broke out in the largest amass of banshees and brutes that she had ever seen. And on top of it all, EDI’s instructions were clear:

Defend the missile. Lure the Reaper Destroyer closer so she could make contact.

They had to bait a damn Reaper, fight their way through hell, with nothing more than biotics and bullets. No, this was unlike any dance that Shepard had ever _seen_.

“Beam inbound at your two!” Garrus’ voice cut through the air amidst the slog of bullets, and she peaked around the edge of the phone booth she had ducked behind, reloading her gun with haste. Its ominous red light was ripping through the buildings, making a path straight for her.

Shit.

“ _Kaidan!_ ” She cried out, rolling to her left, headlong into the barrage of marauders she’d been staying out of reach from. He didn’t reply from his position farther along the way, just looked up resolutely before punching into his tool, knowing exactly what she needed.

She felt their bullets rain upon her shields, but right before they threatened to break – 

With a loud _CRACK_ , their shields overloaded and they fell to ground witheringly. Behind her feet, she felt the ground lift up, her boots warm – the propulsion of the beam threw her forward, and they fell as a mass of tangled bodies in the aftermath of its explosive path. Dazed though she was, their mechanical bodies were even more so, and she wasted no time in driving her tool-blade deep into each of their heads. 

“No time to rest. Swarm of brutes headed right for the gun! Garrus, can you take them out?” Kaidan ran over to her, hauling her to her feet before shouting across the way. Garrus had found a perch behind a flipped Hammer armored vehicle, and had been clearing headshots out for any beast that came under his scope. He cursed under his breath – there was half a dozen of them, barreling straight for the tank.

“Not with those shields. Even the Widow can’t cut through that!” He shot back, reloading. “We have to get closer if we want to crack their defenses, there isn’t enough range from here!”

“No time! They’ll tear it apart!” He grunted in frustration, erupting in angry swathes of blue, a fresh barrier crackling over his skin.

“What are you thinking?” She asked, feeling his brain whirring from here.

“Just – try to crack through their shields as best you can from here. When I get close, swap to your warp ammo. I’m going to try something!” He reloaded his pistol, glancing at Garrus with a smirk. “Don’t miss this time, Vakarian!”

“Don’t get yourself killed, either!” He called back, signaling for Shepard to join him. She hesitated, grabbing Kaidan by his elbow. He turned to look at her, the brown of his eyes flecked with ripples of blue.

“What are you doing?” She cried out, heart hammering. He smiled, reassuring.

“Saving that tank. I’ll be fine – just don’t miss your shots, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold it!” He tore himself from her grasp, sprinting headlong into the mass of armored beasts that were tearing their way towards the tank.

Swallowing her frustration, she hopped aboard the vehicle tire irritatingly, holstering her rifle and pulling out her own sniper rifle as well, swapping out her ammo to warp.

“He wants us to detonate his biotic energy. If it isn’t strong enough to take them all out, he’ll be vulnerable. We can’t afford to miss a single shot.” She said sharply to Garrus, and he nodded, resetting his eye-scope.

“I know – _shit_. Damnit Shepard, we have to move. _Now_!” 

She looked up, mouth dropping aghast. The Reaper loomed ever closer, it’s eye opening and the core glowing a familiar red.

“ _Move_. We need to find cover before Kaidan reaches them!” She pulled on Garrus’ arm, and they sprinted, as fast as they were able over chunks of vehicle and bodies of mangled husks, running for the desolate building on the far end of the street. The Reaper lent out an angry cry – it was familiar, and moments later the sound of a laser slicing the ground hit both their ears. It was cutting a hot path, attempting to intercept their position.

“There! Behind that wall!” Garrus cried out, pushing forward faster with a grunt. To her right, Shepard watched Kaidan’s familiar form still pushing ahead, his heady welcoming blue a stark contrast to the empowered red haze of the Reaper’s beam. He was close – they had seconds to place their aim, or he’d be left at the mercy of those brutes.

A bright light cut their vision out to their side – she could feel the heat of its razor-like presence boring down on them – and she leapt, diving headfirst through a cracked window, Garrus sprawling out unevenly beside her. Behind them, the wall crumbled; they had no time to waste, as chunks of cement began to rain down on them.

Crawling, undeterred, she rolled onto her stomach and pulled herself forward from the debris, setting up her rifle as steadily as she could amid the pile of fresh rubble. She heard Garrus cock his gun beside her, both of their eyes pressed to the scope hastily.

They were not a second too late – through the lens, she made out Kaidan’s frame, so small against the towering bodies of brutes. The one closest to him swung its arms back in preparation and he slid on his knees, resting in the middle of them before his voice cut through the air with a powerful grunt.

The air stilled for a moment, and there was a sickening snap – a hot ball of blue burst from him, crackling angrily up and around him, enveloping the massive bodies that had been bearing down on him. His biotics swirled hastily, whipping around each towering frame of flesh and metal, and they were stunned, their mechanical eyes blinking in confusion as they were trapped in its current, frozen in place.

“ _Now!_ ” Shepard yelled, wasting not a moment – they rained down a barrage, their warp ammo colliding sickly with each of their heads. It was enough – it caught onto the biotic field, ripping through the synthetic fibers that bound their bodies together, and one by one their shots cracked in the air, ripping each brute apart by the seams. 

The last shot rang out, and she dropped her arm achingly, feeling a bruise already forming on her shoulder. Squinting, breathing hard, her eyes searched frantically.

“ _There._ ” She said, stumbling to her feet. Kaidan was on all fours, a flame of blue bursting out into nothing as he released the charge, panting deeply. She sprung ahead, glancing up at the Reaper – it was readying another beam. Garrus helped her clamber over the pile of debris, launching themselves forward to grab Kaidan by under both of his arms. “We need to get to cover!”

“That tank, up ahead! Hurry, I don’t think it can reach that angle!” Garrus yelled out, and she nodded, resolute. Kaidan moaned weakly between them – he was exhausted, she knew how much energy that would have expended from him – but his legs still pushed haphazardly, trying to speed up their clumsy movements. 

“Good work, Major.” She said breathlessly, and he nodded eagerly, grateful. Three pairs of legs ran forward joltingly, scrambling past chunks of metal as another sickening sound could be heard pulsing from the Reaper eye. It made contact with the ground, beelining towards them, but Garrus was right, they would make it – 

Flinging themselves forward, heat singeing their boots, they dove behind the tank, closing their eyes as a hot path burned through where they’d been standing but moments before. Wasting not a moment, she jammed a finger at her com, calling out desperately.

“EDI, report! I don’t think we can hold off much longer!”

_“Commander, the destroyer is in range. Missiles are ready to launch!”_ She responded coolly. Garrus had already torn the wrapper off an energy bar, jamming it into Kaidan’s mouth. He chewed methodically, pushing through what she knew would be waves of crippling nausea, standing to his feet wearily.

“I’ll be alright. Let’s go!” He cried stubbornly, swallowing heavily and pressing forward. Garrus smirked, following suit, and they sprinted ahead, ignoring the cries of banshees that had begun to spill out over the crumbled building tops. Their cries cut out in the air, making all three of them wince.

“Shepard, go!” Kaidan cried, looking pale but determined, turning to shoot at one of them, deflecting their attacks with a well-placed aim of his pistol. Garrus took position over his shoulder, working on overloading its shields. Hesitating for but a moment, she pushed forward, the tank but a few paces ahead of her.

The controls skimmed over her eyes and she pumped through them as quickly as she could, slamming her finger on the deploy button and standing back dazedly to watch her work.

The Reaper was looking over them, not more than thirty feet in front of them, its towering mass glaring down at them from its glowing center. The tank gave off an almighty sound, and two rockets launched their way directly into its core with a thunderous _CRACK_.

The Reaper paused, toppling a bit on its limbs, its disorientation obvious. The glowing center remained open, vulnerable.

“Now! It’s stumbling! Hit it with everything you’ve got!” Shepard cried out over the com, not waiting to see the reaction. She called for Garrus – he glanced back at her, tugging on Kaidan’s shooting arm and propelling them both back towards her, where they crouched behind the missile battery tank to wait.

They didn’t have to wait long. 

The banshees were threatening to close off around them, but their vision was distracted when the assault unleashed on the Reaper. Cannons blew from every direction, what remained of Hammer wasting no ammunition. The result was catastrophic – the red center glowed hot, smoking, and the Reaper emitted a terrible screeching noise before stuttering, unresponsive, and tumbling forward in a ground-shaking collapse.

The effect was instantaneous – the explosion burst forth, decimating most of the remaining forces with a series of unholy screams. The air filled with dust and dirt, their vision clouded. They sat, the three of them huddled amongst one another anxiously, waiting – 

_“Destroyer terminated!”_ EDI’s voice cut out over the com, and they all breathed a sigh of relief, exhausted. Her body sagged forward tiredly, but a resolute smile still shone on her face.

They sat on the ground, taking in deep breaths, examining the path that lay before them. With the Destroyer gone, the Citadel beam glowed invitingly within range.

_“Lola, you read?”_

James’ voice crackled out over the com, and she hastily responded, tapping her tool.

“Loud and clear, James. Status.”

_“All good. The Reaper forces just stopped coming – we can’t see the Destroyer anymore. Everything all good on your end?”_

“Affirmative. Nice work.” She looked back at the beam, gazing curiously at it. “Destroyer has been terminated. Head back for the Normandy. Hammer will be ascending to us shortly, and we’ll need her for the firefight. I’m sure getting to the beam won’t be a cakewalk.”

_“Roger. See you on the other side.”_

Beside her, Garrus breathed a sigh of relief. She touched his shoulder reassuringly, smiling. Around them, tanks began to crawl out from amidst the rubble; the hidden remnants of the Hammer Operation. Kaidan was still sitting resolutely on the ground, chugging back water eagerly and shoving as much food as he could into his mouth to restore some energy. 

“We’ve likely got a few minutes to catch our breath, tops. Everyone okay?” She asked tiredly, glancing at the two men before her. They both nodded, Garrus turning his head to look out at the vehicles rolling their way towards them.

“Nothing a good night’s rest won’t fix when this is all done. Nice job back there, Kaidan. Saved our asses for sure.” He flanged, poking at Kaidan’s boot with the butt of his rifle. Kaidan smiled weakly, some of the color returning to his cheeks.

“Thanks. Nice shooting.” He said with a chuckle, standing to his feet and stretching his limbs. Alliance marines were erupting from the tanks, guns out in defensive stances as they took in the surroundings. “I’m ready to end this.”

“You and me both.” Shepard replied, standing to face out with him. The beam glowed back at them, inviting them.

“We’re almost there.” Garrus said to her flank solemnly. “We’ve come this far.”

“One more short run won’t kill us, right? We’ve got this.” She smirked, determined. At her sides, they nodded, absorbing every second they had to replenish their energy reserves. 

They knew that whatever waited for them over that hill, they were going to need it.

/////

It was pure carnage.

The scene before them was obliterated, nonsensical – there was Harbinger’s beam, flashing angry scorches of red in hot swathes amid the dirt. There was a white light – the kind they were supposed to run into, Kaidan thought wryly – at the heart of it all. And on the edges – broken bodies, pools of blood, smoke and ruin from every machine and every building that dared to sit in its place. 

Rationally, he knew he was supposed to hear something – but all he heard was his blood pounding in his ears; the rest was eerie silence. It was like watching a vid on mute: there were gunshots, the smell of heat sinks in the air, the open-mouthed cries of man, woman, asari, turian, and otherwise, vehicles were being blown from the ground up…but he didn’t hear a damn thing.

It all came down to this. They had a kilometer ahead of them, if that. They just had to make this final run. They had a chance to put an end to this, if only they could make it through this silent minefield of death.

His skin tingled, his mind focused, his eyes fixated on three things: the beam up ahead, Garrus to his right, and Shepard’s form a few feet ahead of his own. He blocked everything else out. He knew what was at stake. That was all that mattered – one of them _had_ to make it or die trying.

Shepard had pushed into a full sprint, Garrus and him eagerly following suit. They had trained for this, spent years fighting for this precise moment and it all felt like something out of a dream. The dirt blew up behind his feet, his legs jumping easily over one body to the next, arms trained to aim precise blows at whatever husks managed to crawl their way in his direction. 

Kaidan could feel his mind blocking out the rest – he ignored the aching muscles, pushed past the bruising, didn’t turn his head at every loud sound that pierced through the air.

Shepard’s voice rang out like a whip – this, he was attuned to – and he obliged, almost without thought. They dove to the right, all three of them, barely missing the wayward slice of Harbinger’s beam. He could feel the pressure push up against his mass effect shield, hear the singeing of heat as it burnt the ground where their feet had been moments before.

There was no time to waste. They pushed on, spurred ever forward. 

He was aware, vaguely, that the large crowd that had initially pooled down this hill had slowly dissipated. What was originally a large mass of war-torn soldiers had been cut down slowly, their bodies giving way to beams of scorching heat, vaporized in the combustion of one engine or another, overcome by the swathes of mindless husks that scrambled into them head-on. 

It was going to be alright. They were close – up ahead, he watched Shepard drive her tool into the throat of one of those beasts, her eyes flashing ruthlessly. But she couldn’t see the three more of them that were running, jilted, their soulless eyes latched onto her – 

He raised his arm masterfully, slicing the air without a second thought. Sharp ripples of blue latched onto their mangled forms, and they were thrown into the air, up and over their heads out of harm’s way. She shot him a knowing smile – god, she was beautiful – before pulling her arm free, shooting a wayward husk to her left as they pushed on ever closer.

But that was when it all went to hell.

There was a screech of metal – so loud, even his numb ears attuned to the sound – and they looked up quizzically, searching. Harbinger’s beam had thrown a Mako in their direct path, it’s three-ton mass billowing toward them helplessly.

Shepard spun, her arm drawn out in warning – she was too far from the collision, it was headed right for them. He shot a look at Garrus, the same look of fear and shock mirrored on his face, before they both dove in opposite directions, frantically pushing their bodies as far as they could from its path.

There was a crash, and colors flew before his eyes – red, black, gunshot metal grey, a familiar mako lettering before it burst into flames of broken iron – and the ground rumbled beneath him from the force of its landing. The pressure on his shields was absolute – pieces of metal were flying in all directions – and in a moment of haste Kaidan tried to put a biotic barrier up to stop the barrage of shrapnel. 

He wasn’t quick enough.

He heard the familiar ominous sound of his shields failing, and a brief half a second between that and his biotics flaring to life couldn’t prevent the sharp edge of its hull tearing a gash into his stomach. He didn’t need to look to know it was severe, but he focused, pulling his energy into his barrier, waiting until the last shreds of metal sprinkled around him before he risked pulling its rippling blue down from around him.

It was like all of his senses roared back to life. His head suddenly pounded – with exertion, with fatigue, his drums barraged with the sound of gunshots and dying.

“ _Kaidan!_ ” Shepard’s voice, distraught – she was by his side at an instant, Garrus on his other, and the two of them made short work of dragging him behind an empty tank, where they braved a look at the blood that was pouring freely from his abdomen.

“ _I’m okay, I’m okay._ ” He tried to reassure them but his voice sounded wrong, Garrus was shaking his head, his eyes wide, fresh scours of blood seeping blue down his own face as well. Shepard was calling for someone frantically over her com – he thought he heard Joker’s voice amidst the chaos.

He turned to look at Jane, the only thing that made sense to him right now. Her green eyes slid into focus – she was afraid, he realized – but she was smiling at him, running her hands over his face soothingly. Garrus had his rifle up, blasting shots from the ground, keeping their heads out of Harbinger’s visibility.

The sound of the Normandy’s engines roared above them, and they gazed up eagerly, watched as the docking bay doors opened welcomingly, familiar faces of their crew awaiting them with rifles raised. 

“ _Here._ ” Kaidan felt a cooling sensation – medi-gel, he realized gratefully – as Shepard swathed her hands across his stomach. Her palm came back red and dripping. Undeterred, she hoisted his one arm up and over her shoulder, and the three of them made an awkward haphazard run for it. Garrus was two steps behind them, shooting at wayward husks, one hand gripping his side painfully – a piece of shrapnel had sliced through his abdomen, too; but unlike Kaidan, it was mostly surface.

He couldn’t think – they couldn’t go, they had to stay, they were so _close_ – but his head felt fuzzy, his adrenaline thrumming erratically. 

“ _Here, take him._ ” He heard Shepard’s voice call to someone that wasn’t him, and instantly he felt his weight transferred from her smaller frame to Garrus’ tall and lanky one, his talons gripping at him eagerly. 

He knew, then. She wasn’t staying. She was keeping him safe, _again_. It sent an icy chill down his spine, and his eyes snapped to attention, a fresh surge of fear and desperation rearing its ugly head.

He couldn’t lose her. _Not again._

He called her name out – it felt strange on his tongue, his voice strangled and tight. He argued with her, but he knew it was futile. She knew it too. She must have seen the look in his eyes – the love, the fear, the hope – so she stopped, suddenly very still amongst the chaos.

Kaidan would remember this moment until the day he died. He saw the resolute of her steps, the stubborn determination in her eyes. He saw the way she looked at him, despite the blood sprayed all over them, despite the sounds of dying all around them, despite _everything_ – and she reached up to cup his face like she had a hundred times before.

_“No matter what happens, know that I love you. Always.”_

Her eyes were that bright green that he loved, her freckles visible even under the layers of dirt. She was so beautiful. His heart clenched, and he was dizzy with emotion and nausea all at the same time. He said the only thing he could – because he knew she had to go. He’d always known she would go. That was Shepard.

_“I love you too. Be careful.”_

She nodded, smiling for the briefest of moments, before turning and sprinting back into the chaos. He tried to watch her form as the Normandy backed up and out of the scene, but the world began to spin. Beside him, he heard Garrus calling his name faintly, and his vision began to blur.

Everything faded to black.

/////

“Kaidan. Can you hear me?”

He moaned, the lights too bright in his eyes. A familiar face swam into view – Chakwas. He shot up suddenly, remembering – but immediately regretted it, as he turned his head to retch unceremoniously off the side of the bed.

“The Commander, uh, applied a lot of medi-gel before we evacuated. I think it may have made him a little sick.” Garrus’ voice broke out into the shocked silence. His voice was off, somehow, and Kaidan vaguely recognized the sound. It was guilt.

“You don’t say.” Chakwas replied, unamused. She sighed. “Well, it worked at least. Ironic, isn’t it. All that time you’d spend complaining about that damn Mako, Garrus, and it ends up being the thing that slices you _both_ through the gut. Kaidan here is lucky. He would have bled out for sure without the Commander’s quick-thinking.”

Kaidan blinked, wiping a hand at the back of his mouth. He was in the medbay, on the Normandy. The Commander – _Shepard_. Where was she? Where were _they?_

“What’s –” He started to speak, but a fresh wave of nausea took over him and he clamped his mouth shut. Chakwas rushed forehead, pressing a cool cloth to his head and adjusting the vials off one of the many tubes he had sticking out of his arm. Oh. He hadn’t even realized.

“There. That should help with the nausea, but it will make you a little sleepy.” She said reassuringly, urging him to lay back down. He couldn’t argue, his body feeling heavy and lethargic. He glanced down – his armor had been stripped from the waist up, his abdomen covered in heavy gauze. Blood still stained the sheets around him in every direction.

Chakwas, noticing his curious eyes, smiled down at him reassuringly. “You’re going to be just fine, Kaidan. You’ve gone through worse. But that was a nasty wound, I’ve just closed the injuries to some of your internal organs and the skin is setting. All that medi-gel has you healing up nicely, although admittedly it has made you a little, ah, _dopey_ , to put it mildly. You should be able to walk around by tomorrow with no complications.”

“Thanks.” He muttered weakly. “Sorry for – you know.”

“I’ll take vomit over blood any day, Kaidan. It’s nothing to worry about.” She chuckled easily, tucking a bedsheet around him and kneeling down on the floor. Garrus shuffled forward, a similar gauze strapped to his own abdomen, although significantly less bloodied. Chakwas hastily cleaned the mess he had made and, eyeing the two of them, excused herself into her office.

“How you feeling?” Garrus asked once the door clicked shut, his mandibles flaring. Kaidan shrugged, smiling weakly.

“Like shit. But it could be worse. Sorry I fainted on you.”

“Not the first time, and probably not the last, either. Do you remember that time on Casbin?” He pulled a chair out, easing himself into it gingerly at his bedside. Kaidan chuckled, shaking his head. 

“Yeah. First time I tried to line up a headshot for you. It worked, but your disruptor ammo sparked off my biotics. Knocked myself out with a surge of my own dark energy.” 

“Shepard was laughing for over an hour, once we realized you were going to be okay. I felt like a total ass. It was one of the first times she took me groundside, and I almost blew up her damn boyfriend.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I wasn’t _technically_ her boyfriend yet. You can think of me as just some poor Alliance scrub who was trying to woo his CO with his obvious military expertise.” He glanced at him, scowling. “Thanks for that, by the way. _Huge_ help.”

“Ah, that’s _right_. So what was it now, there’s that phrase that James always says. Has something to do with your reproductive appendage –” Garrus tilted his head ponderously, smirking. “Oh right, _cock-blocking_. That’s what I did. Right?”

“Right. Made me look like a damn rookie.” He chuckled at that.

“Say what you will, Alenko, but it didn’t seem to affect anything. If anything, I think she liked looking after you.”

“Yeah. She did. She still does.” He paused, sighing, and the easy banter faded just as sudden as it had come. “Where is she, Garrus.”

“I don’t know.” Garrus flared his mandibles again, staring down at the floor defeatedly. “We evacuated, she ran for the beam. We got a transmission saying she made it up, but – then it went silent.”

She made it up. _She did it_. He swallowed a bubble of pride that surged in his throat, pushing on. “Silent?”

“Silent.” Garrus glanced back at him, shrugging. “You’ve been out for two hours. A hell of a lot has happened, but I don’t even know where to begin.”

“If she made it up, then she’s on the Citadel. Why haven’t we gone after her?” He asked, pressing. Garrus was quiet for a long moment.

“We…aren’t in the Sol System anymore, Kaidan. I don’t know where we are, none of us do. All I know is, when the catalyst blew, it — _blew_. I dragged you to the medbay and headed back up with Joker. Not twenty minutes later, the Citadel just – just burst open; the whole damn sky lit up.”

“It…it blew?” He asked, his voice choking. But she would have been on it.

“Not – not apart. It’s still intact, I think.” Garrus said hurriedly. “But there was this terrible energy surge that ripped out from it. Blew through the fleets. The Reapers – they just stopped. Turned off, dead, however the hell we can say.”

“So she did it.” He asked, baffled. Garrus shrugged.

“It’s hard to say. I think so, maybe. We tried to outrun the surge, we weren’t sure what the hell it was. Managed to get through the Charon relay before it eventually caught up to us. As soon as it hit, the Normandy shut down. It’s completely non-responsive. We crash landed on a planet, we’ve no idea where. The crew is hard at work trying to figure that out.”

“How do we not know where we are. We – we have backup generators, we can get enough power to turn on external scanners.” Kaidan asked, brow furrowed. Garrus shook his head.

“No. It’s more than that. Whatever she did, Kaidan – whatever the catalyst did – it took out every technology we have. Chakwas performed surgery on you blind. The backup generators won’t even turn on, let alone work. Tali is investigating –”

“Can’t EDI just do an internal diagnostic? She should at least be able to know which of her systems are down.” Kaidan cut in, frowning. Garrus sighed heavily, leaning forward.

“EDI is – unresponsive, too.” 

“Oh.”

Kaidan blinked, leaning back heavily in the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He thought, hard – if whatever Shepard did had completely shot any of their tech, then that meant they were sitting ducks on whatever planet they’d landed on. If they couldn’t figure out a way back, they would be stuck here.

They needed to get back. Shepard needed them. She’d be waiting – she’d promised him – and he’d promised her that he would show up. There was no other alternative.

“Garrus, have you seen any – any Reapers, at all? Any visuals?” He finally asked, and he heard Garrus shuffle in his chair a bit.

“No. I’ve sent out a few scouts, but nothing yet. Maybe it’s optimistic of me, but I think whatever she did – I really think she did it.” He replied quietly, his voice heavy and stilted again. Kaidan glanced at him, saw the turian’s shoulders sagging. Whatever was bothering him was quite the burden.

“You don’t sound certain about that.” Kaidan pointed out, frowning. Garrus looked up at him briefly before sitting back in his chair and folding his arms, turning his head up to stare at the ceiling.

“Oh, no, I’m fairly certain. That’s not what’s bothering me.” His mandibles flared irritably. “I just – I know you’re the last person I should be talking to about this, but you’re also, really, the only one I can. I hated leaving her there, Kaidan. I wish I could go back, I wish I could have stayed. And I’m angry, really angry, with myself for not doing that.”

Kaidan was silent, contemplating. “Garrus, you know – you know the second either one of us got hurt, she was never going to let us come along.” He sighed, sitting up on his elbows. Garrus hadn’t moved. “I know you feel guilty. You don’t even want to know how _I_ feel. And sure, maybe you feel like you could’ve stayed longer where I could not, but I saw you. Sure, you weren’t bleeding all over everybody like the nuisance I was –”

Garrus chuckled at that.

“—but you were still injured. Hell, you could barely walk upright. Shepard – Shepard loves you. You’re her best friend. You’ve been there for her through – through everything, more than I have. And I hate saying that, but it’s true. While her and I might love one another in a different way, she cares about you just as much as she cares about me. Like she cares about everyone aboard this ship.” He paused, his voice husky, and he swallowed the sudden emotion that threatened to overcome him. “We both knew that she was going to do this alone. That’s who she is; she protects the people she loves.”

Garrus brought his chin down to stare at him thoughtfully. A humorous thought flitted through Kaidan’s mind – did turians cry? Because Garrus looked awfully like someone who was holding back tears. 

“Yeah. You’re right about that.” He finally drawled, quietly agreeing. 

“So now, we have to do her proud. She’s going to be expecting us to bring her ship back in one piece, for starters.”

Garrus chuckled again, his teeth flashing.

“And she’s going to be relying on us to see to it that everyone makes it out of here alive. So that’s what we do, Garrus. We don’t waste time feeling guilty. We find a way home. She’ll be – she’ll be waiting for us.” Kaidan said with finality, his voice giving way.

Garrus was quiet for a long moment, thinking. A smirk broke onto his face, and he stood up, shaking his head.

“You’re right. Thanks – I needed that. Nothing quite like a little pep talk to get me back on my feet, huh.”

Kaidan nodded, smiling.

“Stay here as long as you need, but as soon as you’re able, you’ve got a ship that needs its Captain.” Garrus stared at him pointedly, patting his foot under the bedsheet a little awkwardly before heading towards the door. After a few steps, he paused, turning.

“You know, Kaidan. I want you to know that I’m going to do everything in my power to see to it that we make it back alive. All of us, but especially you. You’re right. Shepard is my best friend – never thought I’d say that about such a tiny human female – and best friend’s fight for one another. I know how much she cares about you. And I owe her everything to see to it that I can help bring you back together again.”

Kaidan stared at him, his chest suddenly tight. The gratitude he felt for Garrus in that moment was something he couldn’t put into words. He would be eternally grateful to him, and while they had not always seen eye-to-eye, Kaidan knew that he had always had Shepard’s best interests at heart. It was a sentiment they both shared, one that united them, a common goal they could work on together.

“Thank you, Garrus. I – god, I love her so much.” He finally said, clenching his eyes shut as a wave of emotion threatened to run through them. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Garrus chuckled, clicking his mandibles. “You don’t even want to know how many times I had to watch her cry about _you_. I’m used to it.”

He laughed, taking in a deep breath. 

“Let’s go home, Garrus. Shepard is waiting for us.”


	28. Entry 24: [E] You Left Without Waking Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2186  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-2  
>  **Codex** : _“You left without waking me.”_
> 
> [Chapter warnings: explicit sexual content]

There was a certain sort of beauty to life when you knew it was coming to an end.

A morbid thought, she knew, and Kaidan would say she was being pessimistic, but she preferred to think that she was just being a realist. They would still fight their hardest, still take all the steps that they could to ensure their best chance of victory.

But the Reapers were one hell of an enemy. 

And yet, despite some of the terrible things they had seen, despite the many moments where her heart felt like it couldn’t break any more than it already had – she admitted that there was a certain sort of elegance to life when it was threatened to be lost at any moment.

The evidence of this was everywhere that she looked. People, no longer bogged down by expectations or reason, were indulging in anything life threw their way. Joker often remarked that it wouldn’t be long before couples started having sex in the streets. 

She couldn’t say she blamed them. Hell, she was no exception herself.

Her date with Kaidan at Apollo’s had only happened a few weeks ago, but it already felt like a lifetime. Their relationship was so _easy_ – it had slipped from being something so careful, something that had felt as though if either one of them pushed too hard it would break irreparably, into something that felt as though it had always been there. 

In a way, she mused, it always had. Their brief attempt at a relationship after Ilos had been intense, passionate, full to bursting with that heady feeling of falling in love – but a deep wedge had been pushed into it overnight, when she’d died so suddenly over Alchera.

Well, overnight for _her_. Kaidan had suffered something far worse.

But those feelings had never gone away, not really – they’d just been put on hold, she mused, waiting for the right moment when they could approach one another again, give themselves the shot they’d always deserved.

That moment had finally come. And from the moment Kaidan had steeled up and told her how he felt, told her what they’d both been agonizing to say for far too long, they had sparked that flame anew, suddenly as in love and crazy about each other as though those three years had never passed.

And they certainly weren’t shy about showing it.

Before, a certain sense of duty and propriety had driven their actions. They had been discrete, subtle with their affections, their relationship coming to a surprise to even the most scuttlebutt-motivated marines aboard the SR-1. At the time, there had been regs, rules against that sort of thing, and they would have surely been reprimanded for it.

It’s a funny thing, when the high probability of death hung over everyone’s heads – those rules that once seemed so important, were quite suddenly not worth thinking about.

It wasn’t as though they displayed themselves. They just weren’t shy in showing their affections, either – leaving the elevator together each morning was obvious enough, the warm smiles they’d send to one another an indicator, too. There were the too-long suit checks after a mission, the too-happy grins they would both wear after a particularly passionate morning, the too-coincidental timing wherein they would both retire early. 

No, they certainly weren’t hiding it anymore. And if anything, Shepard thought to herself, it only seemed to make the crew that much happier. Love was an infectious thing – it had a way of making everyone who witnessed it smile a little brighter.

/////

They’d spent that first night after Apollo’s unable to keep their hands off one another.

It had been cathartic, really – once back in the sanctitude of her cabin, they had spent hours talking, even longer touching. There was so much emotion there, so many feelings of hurt and unfairness and confusion and longing. So they’d explored that, together, through words and with their bodies, over and over, well into the night.

She lost track of how many times they’d indulged in one another. Three years was a long time to miss the person that you loved. Her life had been so hectic, constantly moving from one threat to another, that she hadn’t even allowed herself to remember how good it had been until he was standing right in front of her. 

Kaidan had kissed every inch of her skin, not content until he had refamiliarized himself with her scent, dragging his fingers along every curve, rediscovering every pleased sound and appreciative moan she had to offer for him. It wasn’t until she had sidled across his lap, stubbornly sitting down on his arousal to ride him mercilessly, that he finally relinquished his assault on her senses. He’d finished with a deep groan rumbling from his chest, her room flaring bright blue as his hands gripped her waist.

The rest of the night had been a haze. They’d held one another, tears slipping from their eyes in a mixture of grief and pleasure and overwhelming joy. They’d fallen in and out of sleep, each time waking to find the other’s eyes on them, mouths reconnecting eagerly, only to slip back into an easy rest once more.

And every time, he would place a gentle kiss on her forehead, just before they fell back asleep. She could feel her heart reawakening, stirring deep within her chest, as though from a long, deep slumber.

So when morning had finally broke, and she’d prolonged her getting up for as long as she feasibly felt was possible, she didn’t want to wake him. It felt surreal, to have him in her bed again, like a missing piece of her life had finally fallen back into place. It felt right.

She’d stared at him instead, re-memorizing the contours of his face and body like she had three years ago. He looked too peaceful. No, she didn’t want to disturb his slumber, not after everything he’d been through. His chest was rising and falling evenly, lips slightly parted, his facial muscles completely relaxed. 

He was so handsome. She had missed him, so much.

She tucked him in, cocooning her sheets around his chest, tucking an extra pillow behind his head. And she’d left him, tip-toeing out of her cabin, a large smile on her face. She’d even loitered by her door for a few moments, trying to commit this image to memory. She wanted this, wanted him. She wanted it every day if she could have it.

She loved him.

/////

“Say, you ah, _left_ , without waking me.”

It was midday aboard the Normandy, and Shepard had innocently wandered her way onto the observation deck. They were on their way to an eezo facility to restock on fuel; a much-needed day of recuperation. She’d seen Kaidan in the early afternoon – leaving the mess with a cup of coffee around 11:30 EST, a happy smile on his face and the dark circles that had previously been plaguing under his eyes all but absent.

He’d clearly benefitted from their cathartic rendezvous, and taken advantage of a long sleep-in. He more than deserved it.

But she’d still managed to miss him in those few hours, her skin tingling and a pleasant ache between her thighs a constant reminder of their evening. So she couldn’t help herself from making a pitstop, or from hiding the large grin that pressed into her cheeks at his easy flirting.

It would appear he was just as eager to see her again as she was to see him. She vowed to never let herself leave without waking him, not until she’d seen the happy expression that lit up his eyes when he gazed upon her.

Life, overnight, had suddenly become that much more precious.

/////

“Missed you.” 

He said huskily into her ear, his hands tugging at her shirt impatiently. Her own fingers were unbuckling his pants, wasting no time in wrapping themselves around his erection. He gasped, closing his eyes for but a moment before persisting back, reaching one large hand up to cup and knead her breast in its palm, thumb flicking over her hardened nipple.

She’d retired to her cabin early for the night, wasting no time in sending him an invitation to follow. The moment she’d stepped in her cabin and not seen him in there, she’d suddenly felt homesick. 

_JShepard: Care to join me tonight?_

_KAlenko: Thought you’d never ask. Already on my way._

She’d pounced, the moment he’d entered her door, pushing him up against the wall to connect her lips to his, his chuckles turning into moans as she’d pressed herself into him eagerly.

Which was how, after he’d quickly picked her up and deposited her gently onto her desk, they’d ended up half-naked and hungrily stripping one another in between kisses, his tongue sliding up against hers while his hands slid roughly along the length of her skin.

“Missed you, too. Missed you all day.” She replied, smiling, pulling her hand off his arousal only to tug at the hem of his shirt. He complied, smoothly pulling it over his head and tossing it somewhere into the corner of the room, his dog tags clinking against the muscles of his chest. She sighed happily, relishing at the sight of him – he’d gotten so much broader than she remembered, his body nearly dwarfing her. 

Noticing her gaze, he chuckled, his cheeks flushed but his eyes belying a sort of mirth. “Like the view?” he asked bashfully, and she nodded eagerly. “Hmm, I’m glad.”

He turned his attention to her clothes as well, unbuttoning her BDU’s enough to spread her top open before him, her bra exposed and her own tags cushioned between her breasts. Placing a few wet kisses down the length of her neck, her collarbone, the tops of her mounds – he unzipped her pants, too, sliding them over her hips, where she raised herself helpfully, so he could pull them out from under her. 

She kicked them off easily, him crouching down for a moment to tear one stubborn pantleg off her foot. Victorious, he stepped himself back between her spread thighs, pulling on her hips to slide her to the edge of the desk, pressing his erection into her core at the same moment he wrapped a hand behind her neck and plunged his tongue inside of her mouth.

“Glad I wasn’t the only one feeling that way.” He said easily, distracting her with his thorough assault on her mouth so her fingers stumbled slightly as they fought to tug his briefs down his slender hips.

“Definitely not.”

“And you won’t do that again, though, right?” He said teasingly, sighing as her hands gripped him once more, pumping softly.

“No. But you better make it worth my while, Alenko. What do I get out of waking you every morning, hmm?” She teased between kisses, tightening her grip, enjoying the way he seemed to swell even harder under her grip. 

“You’ll have to wait and see.” He said demurely, his hands roaming down the curve of her waist and tightening along the outside of her thigh. He tore his mouth from hers, using his other hand to feel around her center, one finger dipping behind the fabric of her panties. “So wet already.” He said softly, approvingly, making a pleased noise when the sound of her arousal could be heard slipping around his finger.

He pulled his hand away, lining himself up and eagerly pushing the fabric of her underwear aside. With one deep thrust, he buried himself inside of her, both catching their breaths at the sudden feeling of relief their joining brought.

Kaidan stayed there, their foreheads pressed together and his eyes boring into hers, all the teasing in his expression gone. With one large palm gripping the curve of her ass, the other tightening its hold around her thigh, he thrust himself back into her, closing his eyes with a smile when she gasped.

He fucked her just like that, her ass at the edge of her desk, panties pushed aside, his own pants still tangled around his feet. She came minutes later, moaning in his arms, her legs bouncing eagerly from their place around his hips as he moved inside of her with heavy thrusts. 

He buried his face into the crook of her neck, pulling her nearly clear off the desk so he could push himself into her deeply, losing himself in ripples of blue. They both repeated the same sentence, over and over, a mantra that would never get old.

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

/////

The next morning, she did wake him. He’d smiled at her beautifully, flashing his teeth for a moment before rolling her over for a slow and languid kiss.

His kisses had trailed their way down, situating firmly between her thighs. She’d come crying his name, his tongue lapping eagerly at her center, hands pinning her to the mattress at her hips.

She never forgot to wake him after that.

/////

Sex was their way of curing their old wounds, of reconnecting their bodies and their minds during all the years they’d spent apart. They spoke a lot, too – Kaidan more so than she, typically; he was much better with words when it came to romance than she was – but it was with their bodies that they healed their emotional scars, worked through every lingering doubt and insecurity.

It had taken only three days before she had cracked, insisting he move what few belongings he had to her cabin rather than on the crew deck.

_JShepard: Odd, I’m in my cabin but you’re not here for some reason._

_KAlenko: My apologies. You know I’m always an invitation away. Consider me on my way._

_JShepard: Bring your duffel with you._

_KAlenko: You asking me to move in with you, Commander?_

_JShepard: Ordering, is more like._

_KAlenko: Aye-aye, ma’am._

It was the greatest feeling in the world, being able to share this space with him. It made it feel like home. She’d enter her cabin, late in the day and exhausted, only to find his presence already there, waiting to sooth her troubles away: his body naked and waiting under a warm shower, his feet propped up on the couch as he read some datapad or other, him waiting invitingly in bed, a happy smile on his face.

It was an escape from reality, for both of them. Outside, the galaxy was in chaos. Every other day they would hit the dirt, covered in bullets and dirt and sorrow. But in here – in here, they were safe, if only for a few moments. This was their space, their tiny area of peace.

They’d talk about their days, sure, but mostly they would relish in the feeling of one another, allowing their passion and their bodies take the pain away from their troubles. He would move in her, some days so slowly and lovingly it brought tears to her eyes, other days hard and fast until she was crying his name out into the sheets, his deep groans and heavy thrusts driving her over the edge.

But the moments that helped the most, the moments where she felt like her heart was entwining with his, were the moments they’d spend up together, talking lowly into the night about nothing in particular, his husky laughter in her ear. He would cuddle her close, running his hands along her skin, fingers skimming soothingly through her hair.

And they would kiss, softly, gazing into each other’s eyes with dopey lovesick smiles, his lips brushing against her forehead in a ritual that calmed her after every aching battle. 

_I love you._

/////

He hadn’t taken their mission on Rannoch very well, and she understood why.

In her mind, they were already living on borrowed time. But her time with Kaidan rejuvenated her, gave her that extra something to fight for – he was a flicker of hope, a light at the end of a long dark tunnel. 

So when she’d jumped onto that cliffside without a second glance, eager to look that Reaper in its eye and take it down personally, she hadn’t given it a second thought. Protecting him was as easy as protecting anything else: it was instinct, it was in her blood.

She hadn’t considered how stressful it would be for him, to watch helplessly from the sidelines.

He’d come down with a terrible migraine that night – the worst he’d had in weeks – a combination of stress and overusing his biotics, she knew. He hadn’t needed to say anything to her about it. She knew how reckless she had been, and she could see in his eyes how scared he was about losing her.

So when he stumbled his way into the cabin, mumbling about rest and the lights, she refocused her attention on him, made it her purpose to reassure him that she was here, that she wasn’t going anywhere. Despite his obvious pain, she relished in taking care of him – it felt so normal. Neither of them was used to normal.

She tucked his large frame under the covers, slipping a sleep mask over his eyes to block out what little light remained from the glow of the fish tank. And she settled herself behind him, placing his head gingerly into her lap, rubbing small circles into his temples. 

He couldn’t say much, she knew – he never could when the migraines got this bad – but she could tell by the tiny smile he graced her with that he was thankful.

“I love you. I’m sorry.” She whispered, and he made a tiny sound, a mixture of laughter and sadness. She stayed there just like that, rubbing soft fingers through his scalp, until his breathing evened out and he fell into a restful slumber.

/////

Kaidan slept for thirteen hours after that migraine. He always slept long, when they hurt that bad. She had stayed up long after he’d fallen asleep, working away on her terminal and content with watching the tension in his body ease the longer he laid there. 

So when she herself woke up after a long night’s rest, the bed was empty beside her. The sound of flowing water crept from the bathroom, a steamy haze blocking her view.

A shower sounded magnificent. After a night of cold sweats and migraine pain, she also knew it was his favorite part about ending one of his particularly bad nights. It was as though he could wash the remnants of the pain away under the steam, letting the rivulets of sweat leave his body in an emotional cleanse.

Shepard tiptoed her way out of bed, slipping her sleep-clothes off as she went. Naked, she peered in from the doorway, watched as he stood, both arms up against the wall and his head bowed, taking in his muscular frame appreciatively.

She could think of other ways to show her appreciation of him, too. Ways that would also serve well to remind him just how much she cared about him.

Slipping inside quietly, she snuck behind him, wrapping her arms around his chest softly. He jumped, turning to gaze at her in surprise for but a moment before breaking out into a beautiful smile.

“Hey there. You scared me.” He said lowly, his voice still hoarse from sleep. She smiled back, pressing her frame into his, nuzzling her face into his back and sighing as the warm water ran over her skin welcomingly.

“Sorry. You looked so peaceful, I thought I’d join you.”

“You know I’d never complain about that.” He said sweetly, his eyes flitting down over her bare form unashamedly. She smirked, her hands running down his chest innocently until – he gasped, his lashes fluttering, as she wrapped her fingers around him eagerly.

He was already hard.

“Don’t you think you took care of me well enough?” He teased, turning his face to press a soft kiss against her lips. She sighed against his mouth, smiling, keeping her hand firmly around his length.

“You deserve it. You deserve all of it and more.” She said simply, honestly. He glanced at her, his brown eyes warm and softened at her words. Turning around slowly, he grasped her by the shoulders, pushing her gently up against the cool tile wall. His large hands pressed up against either side of her head, his body looming before her, a welcome presence pinning her in place with his large frame. He met her gaze, his eyes searching for something, the sound of the running water the only sound between them for a long moment.

“I know you can handle things like that, Jane. Like I said, it’s…it’s part of what I love about you.” He smiled, pressing his lips against hers gently. “But I still get scared.”

She smiled sweetly at his words, her chest blossoming with so much emotion. How she felt for this man – it overwhelmed her, it invigorated her. His genuineness was disarming to her. She slipped a hand around his length again, rewarded when he let out a soft moan.

“I fight like that, Kaidan, because I’m terrified of losing you, too.” She admitted, her voice uneven. His eyelashes, which had again been fluttering under her touch, flew open, his gaze meeting hers. He finally saw what he’d been searching for – the same fear, the same overwhelming affection that poured from him was also present in her. 

He brought his forehead down to touch gently against hers, the water assailing onto them in warm little streams across their skin. And she stroked him, both of them flitting their eyes between his length nestled in her palm or into one another’s eyes. She felt like she was drowning – he completely filled her senses. His large body encompassing hers as he loomed over her against the shower wall, his soft moans every time she stroked his length just right, the sight of his eyes watching her movements raptly, almost disbelievingly. 

She pumped him slowly, languidly. She pulled him closer into her, until the tip of him would graze her stomach each time she pulled her hand forward in another firm stroke. When he began to shake, his arms trembling on either side of her, his feet restless upon the floor – she brought her other hand up to cup his jaw, pressing a kiss against his lips encouragingly. 

“I love you.” She said, smiling as his breath caught at her words. His eyes met hers, flecks of blue dancing in his pupils before breaking into a familiar dance along his skin. And he came, cock swelling in her hand, a deep rumbling groan erupting from his chest as he burst in thick spurts across her belly. She waited until the last pulse gave way, until his moans quieted, until he collapsed his head into her neck in relief before releasing him.

They stayed there, holding one another, relishing in their tiny epiphany. He washed every inch of her skin, massaging her aching muscles and pressing kisses to every freckle. He smiled the entire time.

/////

“I love you.”

He moaned into her ear, his skin slick with sweat. She was laying on her stomach, arms outstretched in front of her, his hands gripping hers tightly. He hovered his body weight behind her, his chest grazing her back with every shallow thrust, pinning her to the bed.

They were on their way back to Earth. There was nothing left for them to do.

He’d come to her last night, whiskey in hand, attempting to sooth her frazzled and nervous mind with his words and relaxing presence. And it had worked, in a way that only Kaidan was able to affect her.

He was moving over her now, his face buried in her neck, as they made love. He was slow, thorough, every thrust measured and drawn-out. They were trying to commit this feeling to memory, to lengthen the time between now and the inevitability of tomorrow.

She took in the husky sound of his voice, reveled in the feeling of him sliding in and out of her, soaked up every sweet nothing he had to say in her ears.

Yes, she thought. There was a certain sort of beauty to life when you knew there was a good chance that it was coming to an end.

/////

“Course laid in, Commander. We’re due to arrive in the Sol system in forty-six minutes of FTL.”

Joker said these words with finality, his voice oddly bereft of sarcasm. Beside him, EDI was silent. She reached a hand out to clasp Joker’s gently, him squeezing tightly right back.

Shepard nodded; morning had come, despite their best efforts. She’d stayed in Kaidan’s arms for as long as she could, both of them staring at one another and smiling in their secretive way.

But there was no escaping it forever. This would be their final shakedown cruise, their last stand. It would either be their last time coming home or their first of many visits to whatever parts of Earth remained. So they’d slipped into their BDU’s, slipped into their roles, and parted ways with a kiss.

They never said it, but she knew they were both thinking about how they hoped that hadn’t been their last.

“Let me know when we’re in visual range with Admiral Hackett.” She said from behind Joker, face expressionless.

“Aye aye, ma’am.”

She stood, removing her hands from the back of his chair and turning swiftly out of the cockpit. She didn’t consciously think about where she was headed, but her feet already knew the way. Through the CIC, down one level, left into the observation deck.

Sure enough, Kaidan was there, his familiar frame leaning upon his forearm against the window. He was gazing out thoughtfully, his brow furrowed slightly. He never acknowledged her presence when she joined him out the window, instead keeping his gaze firmly out at the stars beyond them.

She was happy to join him in their silent reverie, content to be in his presence and take in the sense of calm and peace that he always managed to bestow upon her. In the back of her mind, she acknowledged that her skin still tingled, memories of his hands upon her the night before still fresh upon her skin. He’d made her feel human, made her feel loved and cared for, made her feel like she had a home to come back to when it was all over. Maybe for the very last time.

His voice, so husky and sharp, broke her thoughts when it cut through the air suddenly.

“If we make it out of this alive, I’m going to make you my wife.”

She blinked, stunned. Turning her head slightly, she saw he hadn’t changed his expression at all, was still looking out the window instead of meeting her gaze.

“Aren’t you supposed to ask first, Alenko?”

At this he smirked, his eyes flitting to hers for just a moment before sliding back to gaze out. “Say no all you want, Shepard, I’ll just keep asking until I get a ‘yes’ anyway. I’m stubborn, remember?”

“The most stubborn.” She agreed, crossing her arms and staring out again with a smile. He chuckled, pulling himself off the glass and straightening up.

“Is that a yes?”

“I don’t think you gave me much of a choice.” She quipped, turning to face him again. His smile matched hers, and they held each other’s eyes, full of humor and laughter, for a few silent moments.

“I mean it, you know. I know we joke, about…about the future. It’s easier to laugh about it than to acknowledge that we may not get one.” He dropped his eyes, the grin slipping from his face. “But I just wanted you to know that. After everything we’ve gone through, everything we’ve lost – you’re the most important thing to me, Jane. And I just want you to know that I’m serious about that.”

“I know you are.” She stepped forward, a silent question, and he opened his arms eagerly. Burrowing into his embrace, she soaked in his familiar scent. “I am too.”

He nodded, wrapping his arms around her torso, cradling her eagerly into him.

They stayed there, reveling in the silence, until Joker called them to the bridge forty short minutes later.  
 


	29. Entry 23: Sanity Check

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2186  
>  **Location** : Presidium / Citadel / Widow System / Serpent Nebula / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“There was a sudden hunger, a sudden need to reacquaint themselves with feelings that had never dissipated, but had always lingered, hovering just below the surface.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: explicit sexual content]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It felt wrong to not include this into the story, but it also felt odd because I've already written a piece pertaining to this specific moment in the Mass Effect timeline. In gist, this is a slightly amended and more fleshed-out version of my other one-shot, **"Sanity Check"** , tuned up to be more fitting for this particular universe.

He got to Apollo’s early – very early, in fact. He hadn’t asked Shepard to be here for another thirty minutes. But he needed this time to clear his head.

The presidium was all in a bustle, as though the still-smoking towers from the attempted coup didn’t exist. Business as usual, he mused. But not for him. 

Well, not for his thoughts, anyway. It had been some of the most confusing years of his life, and that included when Jane had died back over Alchera. Her death had been unimaginably painful, but it had also been permanent. It was neat and tidy and it was something that his brain could make sense of, no matter how difficult.

But her coming _back?_ Her working with Cerberus? Her claiming to still care for him? Her being right about Udina, her welcoming him back onto the Normandy with open arms despite every tough and difficult question he’d asked her from the instant he saw her back on Horizon?

Well that – that was a little more difficult for him to make sense of. There was so much gray, so many questions of the how and the why, and despite his harsh, admittedly insensitive words, she’d been understanding and silently accepting of them every step of the way. She’d stood up for herself, sure, whenever he crossed a line – but she was patient with him, and instead of brushing him off completely she had always tried her best to answer his inquiries, meeting his questions head-on. 

Now that he’d finally had some time to stop and really think, had been able to get a full understanding of just what the hell had happened between Alchera and now – he could see how much her actions had been true after all.

She _did_ still care. She had to; there was no other explanation for her exorbitant patience other than that of someone who genuinely understood exactly the kind of person that he was and how his mind worked.

It all felt a bit incredible, really. He was overwhelmed – with happiness, with elation, with a bit if fear, too. He’d never stopped loving her, not for a second. The moment he had seen her on Horizon was the same moment he realized how empty he had been in her absence. And while she’d hinted well enough that she still felt the same way, she’d also kept her distance, never imposing herself or her emotions into their chats on the Normandy the way she’d used to.

He smiled at that. She’d been so _brazen_ with him on the SR-1. He knew she’d enjoyed how flustered he’d gotten with her open flirting, but she’d also recognized, the better she’d gotten to know him, his reservations with engaging in his feelings for her. So she’d largely taken the reins back then, providing the push he needed in moments where he’d skirted at the edge, leaving himself a way out if he’d read her intentions wrong.

He had always left himself a way out of every situation. It was a defense mechanism he developed after BAaT, after Vyrnnus, and it was one she knew well. But he couldn’t afford to do that now. Not with everything that had happened.

No, he thought wryly, now it was _her_ leaving a way out, _her_ providing space and taking a step back. She had every right to be that way, to doubt what he wanted from her, considering all the thoughtless words he had spoken to her since her return. But the Reapers were coming. He chastised himself, now, thinking of all the time he’d already missed out on with her.

Not anymore.

He swallowed his beer, draining the last of his glass before the waiter could take it away. He knew that this time, he couldn’t afford to shy away. He couldn’t afford to be vague, to dance around his feelings – he couldn’t afford to leave a way out.

He had to be honest, to tell her how he really felt. They were running out of time for anything else.

“Hey there. Mind if I join you?”

A familiar voice cut into his thoughts, and her face swam into view. She was smiling, relaxed – she ran one small hand down his shoulder in greeting before taking a seat, sitting with an open expression. And she was –

He swallowed, taking her in with surprise. She was wearing a dress. Not her BDU’s, not her body armor, not her damn military wear – but a dress. The black fabric clung to her curves, highlighting the muscles of her legs, showing just a hint of cleavage. He felt his heart catch in his throat, felt his chest tighten at the effort she had obviously put in for this.

“Hey, wow. You look beautiful.” He said honestly, his eyebrows raised. Beautiful wasn’t enough – gorgeous, perfect, stunning, those all came to mind. She flushed lightly at his words, smiling demurely at him.

“Thank you.” Shepard said simply, her eyes twinkling.

Settling into her seat, she kept the conversation light. She was waiting patiently for him to run the conversation, giving him time to gather his words. Just like she had from the moment she’d first re-entered his life so unexpectedly on Horizon, or every moment since – on Mars, in the hospital, on the Normandy. She’d seen the pain he’d been in, the confusion he felt, and instead of pressing him about it she’d given him the time and space he needed to make sense of it all.

So he was honest with her. No way out, no bullshitting, he just told her, finally, how he felt about her. How he’d always felt about her, but had never gotten the chance to say before she’d left, before she’d _died_ , so unexpectedly.

He watched as her eyes lit up at his words. Watched as she smiled encouragingly, as a look of relief passed over her face as though to silently say, _‘finally’._

Kaidan smiled broadly when she relinquished her own control, felt his chest flutter when he realized that they could finally be together again – for real, this time. No more lies, no more skirting around, just Kaidan and Jane. He wanted to spend every moment they had left relishing in that thought.

They touched one another through every moment of their meal – him particularly enjoying the squirming of impatience she displayed at his taking his time with her. Their knees would bump under the table, she’d slide her foot up against his, their fingers entwining in each other’s laps. There was a sudden hunger, a sudden need to reacquaint themselves with feelings that had never dissipated, but had always lingered, hovering just below the surface.

They flirted easily, their conversation light and fluid just as it had always been before, and her eyes roved over him in a way that had a long-forgotten tingle begin to snake its way down his spine. When he paid for their meal, she gripped his hand stoutly, a gesture he smiled at warmly. 

They never spoke about where they were headed, but they both already knew. They held hands all the way back to the Normandy.

/////

“Come up to my cabin with me, Major?” She asked teasingly, already pressing the button for the first floor. He smiled at her, thumb grazing over the back of her hand as the elevator lurched them slowly upward. He’d been informed of the newest addition to the Normandy but had not yet seen it for himself.

“I couldn’t well refuse an order from my Commander now, could I?” He quipped back, trying to identify the warm glow hidden behind her eyes. Happiness, to be sure. But something else, too, something he couldn’t quite put a finger on.

God, she was beautiful. More beautiful than he’d remembered, and he brought his other hand up to gently cup her face, as though to make sure she was real. She closed her eyes with a contented sigh, a slight smile playing at her lips as she nuzzled gently into his palm.

“Commander Shepard, Major Alenko. Captain’s cabin.” EDI’s voice rang out softly as the floor stopped, the elevator opening soundly, and Shepard pulled him forward to her door with a slight hesitance.

“EDI, can you activate privacy mode? I don’t wish to be disturbed until further notice. Reroute any emergency notifications to my omni-tool if needed.” Shepard paused at the door, and Kaidan waited patiently for her to lead him in. Her words were pleasantly tinged with a hint of nervousness, the air a little thick.

“As you wish, Commander.” With a soft ping, Shepard’s door unlocked and she entered the foyer. Kaidan peered in curiously behind her. He didn’t know what he had expected, but it certainly wasn’t _this._

“Alright, be honest. The real reason you teamed with Cerberus was for the obvious perks.” He said with a chuckle. This was a luxury no regular Alliance fleet offered. “You said it was spacious, but I hadn’t realized that entailed your own personal apartment.” He teased, satisfied with her resounding laugh. 

“You caught me.” She smiled over to him from the fish tank, feminine features swathed in a blue hue as the fish scuttled around behind her. “I grew pretty attached to this space. There were a lot of lonely days. I can’t tell you how nice it is to be back.” She still held a bit of reservation in her posture, and he heard a hint of vulnerability in her tone. She must have spent a lot of time up here, he realized. All those months she spent enlisting fighters willing to stand beside her on the Collectors base – _you declined_ , a nagging voice in the back of his mind said – he imagined she must have appreciated a space to recluse. 

This space was personal to her. He got the feeling that not many other people had seen it. 

Her eyes followed him as he walked into her office terminal – her model ship collection was impressive as hell, he thought with a boyish grin, but as he leaned forward to get a closer view, a holo-image sprang into sight from the corner of his eye.

Kaidan started when he realized he was staring at a picture of…himself. Right on the desk, next to her personal computer. He stared at it silently, a myriad of emotions stirring in his chest. Shepard was quiet behind him, and very still. Kaidan could feel the tension radiating from her, and her slight hesitance from before clicked into place. 

She had been nervous to show him this, he realized. Grasping the holo in one hand, he gripped it tightly and turned to face her.

Her eyes met his evenly, but with that same unplaced emotion hidden in their depths. She was holding her breath, arms crossed almost defensively, waiting for him to say something. Kaidan wet his lips hesitantly, his mouth suddenly dry.

“You…how long have you had this?” He asked her, voice hoarse. He felt like his heart was going to pound out of his chest. 

“Since the day I moved in, almost a year ago. It was…the first item requisition I made, actually.” She smiled almost embarrassedly, shrugging. “Don’t worry, though. I locked the image out, when I surrendered the Normandy back to the Alliance. But they were nice enough to keep all my stuff. And when we left Earth – when I got the Normandy back – my desk felt…lonely, without it.” 

He was silent for a long moment, gripping it between his fingers. He had a million things he wanted to say, but all he could come up with was one word.

“Why?”

“It’s been…a very lonely year for me, Kaidan. I woke up alone. I was thrust into a battle that had more lives depending on it than I could imagine. It isn’t possible for anyone to go through something like that without having something to fight for.” Shepard’s voice was tight, but she continued, undeterred. “I watched my new crew, got to know them, saw the things so precious to them that they were willing to lose their lives for – and I remembered what I was fighting for, too. Sometimes, I needed that reminder to keep going.”

His fingers gripped the frame so tight he was worried it might break. He felt numb, speechless. She had _wanted_ him to see this. His chest blossomed out in a warm, tingling sensation that struck down his spine and all the way into his fingertips. _They didn’t change me, Kaidan. Or how I feel about you._ Her words from Mars sprang into his mind suddenly, and he felt awash at the emotions this small gesture brought to him.

All that time he’d spent after Horizon thinking she didn’t care, but…she did. She always had. Jane was eyeing him softly, hesitantly, still waiting for him to make the next move. He’d made plenty of bold moves today, but nothing could have prepared him for the emotional relief that consumed him now. He hadn’t realized how deeply the loss of her had hit him until he let her back in again. 

As gently as he could, Kaidan placed the holo-image back to its position before turning to look at her. “Thank you, Jane. I needed that. It’s nice to know that I…that I wasn’t the only one doing the missing.” Her eyes lit up at this, face softening into a gesture of gratitude and eagerness. Encouragement. He knew his voice would be scratchy with emotion before he even opened it to speak. “God, I missed you. I missed you so much.” 

That was all it took. She strode over to him swiftly, his arms cradling her almost reflexively into a tight embrace.

She fit so snugly into his chest, and a contented smile broke out onto her face as she leaned back slightly to gaze up at him. Her eyes took in his features – he watched as they flitted up to the greying flecks of hair by his temples, across the strong ridge of his brows, all the way down to his lips. Leaning forward softly, ever so softly, she finally pressed her mouth against his.

He responded eagerly, moaning into her mouth, his lips brushing against hers with a gentle fervor. He’d missed this, the feel of her in his arms and the taste of her; he trailed his hands down to grip the small of her waist and pressed her tighter against him, trying to get as close to her as possible. He’d spent years trying to remember what she felt like – their time together had been so impossibly brief that some nights, he’d questioned whether it had happened at all.

There was no question now. He remembered, all at once, exactly why losing her had been so unimaginably painful. _Always leave yourself a way out, Alenko._ Not with this, not with her. He had left himself so vulnerable the first moment they’d kissed before Ilos so long ago, the connection just felt so unwaveringly _right_ with her. 

Shepard had one hand gripping his hair as the other trailed around his back and grasped his shoulder, up his neck, cupping his jaw – she couldn’t get enough of him, and he fumbled trying to keep up to her. Their tongues wrestled softly and Kaidan heard her appreciative moan as he spanned his fingers along the span of her lithe back, one large hand gripping under the curve of her ass to snugly pull her in tighter. 

She broke away suddenly, chest heaving as she looked up at him. Her lips were swollen and red already, but as she slid her palm up to cup his face gently and just…stare at him, Kaidan felt his eyes travel back to meet her own gaze. He was panting a bit too, he realized, and he watched earnestly as she took a half step back and just drank in the sight of him. He met her scrutiny head-on, following her eyes as they drifted down the large expanse of his chest, his arms that were currently still gripping around her waist, noticed the appreciative glance she took at the rather snug condition of the front of his pants. 

To his surprise, when she met his eyes again it was at the sight of hers filled unmistakably with tears. He frowned disconcertedly. “Shepard, hey…if this is too much, we can take our time.” 

“No! No, this is perfect. I want this, I want…you. I just missed you, is all.” His stomach flipped happily at her words and she continued, her eyes glowing intensely. “I just wanted you to know that it was my memories of our night before Ilos, of _us_ , that kept me going. It gave me a reason to fight. Maybe I had lost my chance with you, maybe you would never forgive me for working with Cerberus, but…that time meant everything to me, too. So Kaidan – please don’t ever think for a second that it didn’t.” 

He swallowed thickly at her words, his heart pounding so hard he could hear the blood pounding in his ears. He loved her, he’d always loved her. The emotional relief her words brought him felt like a punch to the chest; he suddenly felt as light as air. 

“With your permission, ma’am,” he finally spoke slowly, his voice low, the barest hint of a grin twitching at the corner of his mouth. “I’d like to bunk here tonight. With you.”

He watched as her eyes lit up, recognizing the ghost of her own words she’d spoken to him on that night so many years ago now. She stepped forward into his embrace, burying her head into his neck and sagging into him. That’s what she had wanted, he realized. She wanted him to understand. The burden he’d felt from her loss was the same burden she’d felt at being torn away from him. 

He didn’t know how long they held each other for, entangled tightly into one another propped up against her desk. All he knew was how good it felt to feel her against his skin, to smell her homely scent and to grip her that much tighter to him. To have her back in his arms. 

It wasn’t until she placed the barest of kisses to his neck that he shuddered involuntarily, reawakening the desire that still pooled low in his abdomen. They were soft, so gentle against his skin, her lips lighting a slow path to his mouth. 

When they met this time, it lacked the frantic urgency that had consumed him before. There would be plenty of opportunity for that later. For now, he wanted to explore every inch of her, to savor the taste of her mouth, to hear every satisfied whimper that escaped her lips by his own hands. He wanted to reacquaint himself with her body, to feel that she really was _alive_ and in his arms again. 

Their kisses were slow and languid. Kaidan drank every moment of her in – the feel of her breasts pressed up against his chest, the electric tingle her fingers left in their wake as they trailed slowly up his back, the way her lashes fluttered against her cheek when he pressed heavy kisses against her throat. She was so responsive to him, leaning her head back and moaning appreciatively as he smoothed his hands over the curve of her waist, bucking her hips ever so slightly against his thigh in an attempt to relieve some of the pressure.

He pressed a hand into the base of her spine, pulling her close enough to feel him, hard and thick against her groin. They both moaned at that; Jane tore her lips away from his to pant softly against his mouth as she eagerly rubbed against him. “Kaidan…please.” 

He smiled, ducking down to nip at her throat again as they shuffled unhurriedly to her bed. He pulled away from her when he felt his calves hit the end of the mattress, running his hands under the hem of her dress as though asking for permission to remove it. There was entirely too much clothing between them; his need to feel her skin against his was unbearable. 

Jane eagerly pulled her hands back, unzipping the material of her dress so it pooled down at her feet, making quick work of unclasping her bra for it to join it on the floor unceremoniously. Before he even had a moment to drink in the sight of her nearly naked body, she was untucking his shirt and clamoring it up and over his head, his dog tags clinking around his neck in her haste. Her hands pushed down roughly his shoulders, forcing him to sit at the edge of the bed as she straddled his lap. 

_There._

Kaidan buried his face into her neck as their skin made contact. It felt unreal to feel the warmth of her skin beneath his palms, unriddled by clothing. She was _real_. She was really here, alive and sitting across his waist. He kissed down her collarbone, between the valley of her breasts, nuzzling them gently as she scratched appreciative nails through his hair.

“I missed this. I missed you. I didn’t think…I didn’t think I’d ever get to hold you like this again.” His voice came out thicker than he intended, the unexpected emotion he felt at holding her in his arms getting stuck in his throat. He took a shuddering breath against her chest, remembering how many nights he’d spent envisioning moments with her that he thought he’d lost forever at Alchera. “Jane, I can’t lose you again. I _can’t._ ”

“Kaidan…” Her voice was choked too, and when she tugged his head up to kiss her he could taste the saltiness of her tears. She was more urgent now, pushing him to slide up the bed until he sat, his back up against the bedframe. He watched her breathlessly as she scrabbled at his belt, making haste of his pants and tugging them eagerly down his legs. Her eyes were bright with determined passion as she hastily disposed of her panties before crawling back up to him. 

“So beautiful.” He said heavily, taking in the sight of her naked form, breasts bouncing with each movement forward, the light of the fish tank casting an ethereal bluish glow behind the feminine curve of her hips. She stopped suddenly, her legs straddled on either side of his thighs. The sight of her spread open before him did nothing to quell the pulsing he felt in his cock; he was so hard he felt almost dizzy. 

“So are you.” She said simply as she reached out to touch his chest, sliding her fingers across his pecs and down his abdomen, stopping just shy of his briefs. She liked what she saw; he could see the glistening at the apex of her thighs, could smell the scent of her arousal and it was so enticing that Kaidan was a little breathless under her ministrations. “You have scars…I don’t remember these.” 

“…I’ll tell you about them.” He brought his hands up, resting them on the sides of her legs and sliding them up slowly, up the flat planes of her stomach and finally cupping her breasts in his hands. He moaned, shifting his hips subtly in an attempt to relieve the pressure in his groin as he watched her nipples harden beneath his fingertips. “You’ll get to know them as well as I do. I’m…yours.” He said as evenly as he could.

Her smile was brilliant. “And I’m yours. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. Not again.” With that she dropped one hand to cup him through his briefs; he hissed in pleasure at her touch. It had been too long since he’d last been touched…since he’d last been with her. She hummed happily at his response, tugging the material down over his hips to release him from the uncomfortable confines. Gripping his bare cock tightly her hands, she ran her hand slowly down his length, watching with bated breath as he panted helplessly with pleasure, staring up at her dazedly. 

He _needed_ to be inside of her. He was too wound up; it took an enormous effort for him to grasp her fingers from around the base of his erection, removing her hand and kissing it appreciatively. “Jane, please.” He groaned, pulling on her hips. She acquiesced with a tender smile, shuffling up the last inch to bring her arousal up against his groin. 

_Wet._ God, she was so wet, so _warm_ , and she slid his cock teasingly through her folds with a gentle sigh, her arms folded around his shoulders to brace herself. Kaidan thrust up against her eagerly; the friction was a welcome relief to the pressure building low in his abdomen. But it wasn’t quite enough.

One petite hand cupped the side of his face softly, urging him to look into her eyes as she dropped the other to grasp him once more. That was all it took; she shifted her hips up and sat forcefully down onto his cock with a gasp. 

_“Fuck.”_ He choked, eyes closing tightly and head lolling back with a resolute thump against the wall. She was so tight, so warm and welcoming. He could feel the length of him stretching into her, her ass pressed down onto his balls in an effort to take every inch of him as deeply as she could. 

They sat there for a moment, just relishing this renewed closeness. She began to pepper his face with tiny kisses, his hands coaxing their way lazily from the base of her neck and down her back, fingertips brushing up and along her thighs as he pulled her that much tighter toward him. He would never get tired of just feeling her, feeling the heat of her skin beneath his palms.

And then she began to move. 

Jane pressed a kiss to his lips just as she raised her hips experimentally, lifting just so, before dropping down again slowly. _“Fuck,”_ he moaned against her mouth with a hiss, “you feel so good.” She was so slick, her walls gripping his cock tightly so that each movement made his head spin with pleasure. 

She moaned in agreement, cradling his head between her hands, running her fingers through his hair as she dropped her forehead against his, panting against his lips. “I thought about this…all the time. I missed you.”

Her voice trembled; Kaidan had a hard time pulling his mind away from the feeling of her body, smooth against his as she rode him at a tortuously slow pace. He dragged his eyes up from where they were joined, catching her determined gaze. “I missed you, too,” he choked.

It was too much. All of this; they’d been together so briefly before Alchera and there had been so much _confusion_ since then. So much time, wasted, before they could be together like this again. Kaidan gripped her tighter, one hand cradling her back and the other slipping to cup the curve under her ass. He couldn’t believe this was real, for a moment. That Jane was here with him, that he was inside of her, that they still had a shot at this.

“You can’t do that to me again, do you understand?” His voice came out thicker than he intended, and she nodded frantically at his words. “I mean it, Jane. I can’t –” He stopped his words with a low moan as she increased her pace, pulling her forehead back from his to pull herself upright, nearly allowing him to slip out before settling herself down his length. “God, I can’t _lose_ you, lose this, not again…” 

_“Kaidan.”_ She breathed his name and he was struggling to maintain composure at the sight of her. She was bouncing eagerly in his lap, his words stirring renewed purpose. 

Kaidan felt a tightening in his groin and he couldn’t resist slamming his hips up to meet her eager downward thrusts. He didn’t know where to look, exactly – at the bouncing of her breasts, the light sheen of sweat that showed all the hard plains of her stomach, the sight of himself disappearing inside of her as she took him again, and again, and again. He felt his control slip when he finally gazed up at her through half-lidded eyes, at watching her appreciative moans spill through her perfect lips as she enjoyed herself upon him.

“Jane…” He hissed through clenched teeth as he gripped her hips almost painfully, trying to regain his composure. But it felt so >em>good, and the tingling blue hue of biotic energy snaked down his spine and right into his groin. Her eyes snapped open as she realized what was happening, a beautiful smile gracing her face.

“Don’t stop, Kaidan. It’s okay.” She panted, leaning forward to capture his mouth with a kiss. “Let it go.”

He moaned into her mouth, sliding his tongue up against hers as her skin began to glow azure from the contact. Her legs quaked around him and he could feel she was close; her thrusts became shallow, rhythm uneven.

He relinquished just a tiny bit more, watched as her frame lit up like a blue flare and she finally tore her mouth away to sob brokenly in his lap as she came. Her spine straightened, arms locked behind his neck and she cried his name out unabashedly into the room. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

It was also exactly what he needed to push himself over the edge. Her walls fluttered invitingly along his length, a sudden rush of warmth dripping from where they were joined. He gripped her ass and thrust up heavily, losing himself to her warm and welcoming body. She was pliant in his hands, still dazed from her orgasm as he thrust roughly into her, hard and heavy with no restraint. A deep moan stirred from his chest as he felt the pressure in his cock finally release; he buried himself as deeply as he could in a dazzling burst of pleasure that made his eyes roll back.

His vision spotted as the blue hue of his biotics finally fizzled and dissipated. They lay there for many minutes, panting heavily, foreheads pressed one another as they tried to catch their breath. Kaidan said the only thing he could think to say in a moment such as this. 

“I love you.”

He felt her smile against his cheek. She lifted her head to meet his eyes, a look of utmost calm upon her face. It wasn’t until her thumbs grazed under his eyes did he realize that he had let a few cathartic tears escape, too. 

“I love you too.” Her soft words sent a wave of calm over him, and he pulled her in tightly to embrace her once more. They lay there contentedly for a few moments, still joined, Shepard giving him a relaxed sigh as he ran his hands soothingly up and down her back. 

He stayed there just like that, his hand running lines along the pale smoothness of her skin, staring at her in wonder long after her breaths evened out in evidence of a soft slumber.

/////

“I’m sorry, for Horizon.” He said into the dark room, and he felt her tense in his arms. “I know we’ve spoken about this before, but – I just wanted to say it, again.”

They were tangled in her sheets, running their fingers along each other’s skin, their bodies pressed together. They had slipped in and out of sleep a few times, always waking, always looking for one another, just to make sure. In the wake of the physical release, the walls had been broken – they spoke freely, their words intermingled with soft kisses and reassuring touches. 

They were rebuilding.

“I know. It’s okay.” She sighed softly, the ghost of a smile on her lips. “Now that you’re here with me – well. Honestly, Kaidan, in a way I’m happy that you said what you did.”

“How do you mean?”

“I don’t blame you for how you acted on Horizon. Because no matter how much I wanted you to come with me – you wouldn’t be the man that I know you to be if you had.” She said simply, gazing up at him with a sleepy smile. He returned it eagerly, pressing a kiss to the tip of her nose. “I’m sorry I died.”

He chuckled at her bluntness, pressing his lips to her forehead when she grinned. “You don’t need to be sorry for that. That was nobody’s fault. I shouldn’t have left.”

“If you hadn’t, we both would have died.”

“Maybe I could have helped.”

“You helped by getting out alive.” She said stubbornly. “That was the last thought I remember. Was you. Was seeing the escape pods light up over Alchera’s atmosphere. I knew you were all safe. It made me so happy.”

He exhaled heavily, pressing her closer to him.

“I looked for you for so long, Jane.”

“I know. Chakwas told me.”

He grunted softly at that. “She would.”

“Thank you for searching. And thank you – for not giving up on me. For wanting to make sure that I was the real me.” Her eyes were inquisitive, her fingers reaching up to brush his cheeks softly. “I know that’s what you were doing, on Mars. Trying to figure me out, to be certain. I know how you think, Alenko.”

He smiled tightly, closing his eyes. “I couldn’t settle for anything less than the real Shepard. Thank you for understanding that.”

“No one’s ever cared about me like that before.” She whispered, smiling softly. “It means a lot to me. It means I was right to miss you the way that I have.”

“I missed you every day. Every damn second.” He ran his hands down her form again, relishing in the feeling of her skin, warm and alive under his touch. “I never thought I’d be thankful for anything that the Illusive Man has done. But I owe him everything for bringing you back to me.”

She kissed him, soft and slow, smiling into his lips. 

“I’m so happy I have you back in my life, Kaidan. I can’t – I don’t know how I’d face this war alone. I didn’t know if I could face it without you. When you got injured on Mars, I –”

“I’m fine. I’m not going anywhere.” He ran his fingers through her hair, running a thumb over the arch of her brow, pushing a lock of hair from her eyes. “Just promise me you aren’t planning on going anywhere, either. I can’t go through that again. I can’t lose you.”

“I promise.” She whispered against his lips. “Thank you, for giving me a reason to fight. For giving me something to fight for.”

“Sorry for making you wait.” He whispered back, his voice hoarse.

“You always did like to take your time, Alenko.” She smirked, brushing off his guilt easily. “Something about leaving yourself a way out. I’m used to it by now.”

“And I appreciate that.” He chuckled, pulling her face into his neck with sudden emotion. She’d always understood him. “But I’m not leaving myself a way out anymore, Jane. I’m right here. I always will be.”

He felt her smile into his skin, her body burrowing into their embrace. They stayed like that, limbs entangled with one another, until they fell into another easy slumber.

/////

He woke in the middle of the night, staring up at her starlight ceiling for more than a few seconds before realizing where he was.

Before realizing that the body that lay next to him was Jane, her red hair burrowed deep within the crook of his arm, sound asleep.

He smiled, remembering.

His body felt sleepy and aching, but pleasantly so – the feeling one got after expending as much energy as they had that evening. They’d spent hours running their fingers over one another, covering every inch of each other’s skin with their fingers and their lips, reacquainting the touch of one another, finding solace in each other’s embrace. He’d moved in her again, slowly, leisurely, watching as she’d crumbled beneath him, sobbing their affection for one another in release.

Exhausted and sated, they’d drifted to sleep in one another’s arms. Until now, that is.

He ran his fingers through her hair, brushing a few strands away from her eyes. Her lashes had fluttered wearily against her cheek, her freckles just visible in the dim lighting. She was beautiful. Her skin, creamy and pale under the starlight, the sheet pooling low across her hips. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so content.

He pulled her closer to him, felt the beating of her heart through his skin. Tugging the blanket up to her shoulders, he smiled as she stirred lightly in her sleep, her grip tightening on him ever so slightly.

The warmth of her body lulled him back into a deep sleep.


	30. Entry 22: Rejoining the Normandy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year **: 2186  
>  **Location **: Normandy SR-2  
>  **Codex**** : _This newer Normandy was a welcoming bit of nostalgia in an otherwise uncertain time. The elevator, however, was still just as slow. The thought made him smile._******
> 
> ********[Chapter Warnings: none]** ** ** **

If he was honest, it felt like coming home.

Sure, it wasn’t _technically_ the same ship. The decon bay was more efficient, the lighting in the cockpit’s hallway was a little less dim, the CIC was sleeker and shinier than ever. But it was unarguably the Normandy and right now – with Earth a warzone, with his dad MIA, with no real place of residence to speak of – this newer Normandy was a welcoming bit of nostalgia in an otherwise uncertain time.

The elevator, however, was still just as slow. That thought made Kaidan smile.

He’d been on the Normandy SR-2 before, of course – on their brief mission to Mars, when they’d hurriedly escaped Earth after the Reaper attack – but his mind had been focused then, his adrenaline pumping, his mind wracked with grief and loss too much to have really appreciated where he’d been standing.

Not that he’d lasted long, here, anyway. Not before that Cerberus AI had knocked him out cold, leaving him bedridden for over a month.

But now – now he had time to _explore_ , to reacquaint himself with this familiar space. It was to be his new home for the unforeseeable future, seeing as all he had to his name was a duffel with a spare set of clothes and his hardsuit. It felt nice, in a way. A fresh start.

He’d settled into the starboard observation deck, finding a sort of solitude with the view of the stars. It was a peaceful escape from reality. It helped to make him feel less alone. And with nothing but a duffel, and nothing but time to kill between now and tomorrow morning, he set about on seeing every inch of the Normandy from top to bottom.

/////

“Hey, Joker. Hope you’ve changed your opinions about having Spectres aboard the Normandy.”

Joker swiveled in his chair, a wry grin on his face as Kaidan made his approach. “Kaidan, you took out _Udina_. Do you even realize what you mean to me now? You could be a naked salarian dalatrass-turned-Spectre hellbent on ripping me out of this seat and making sweet, sweet love to me – and I _still_ wouldn’t be bothered by it just on that sheer fact alone.”

He chuckled at that, scratching at the nape of his neck uncomfortably. “Ah, yeah, well. Not exactly something I’m proud of.”

“You should be. He was an ass and everyone knew it. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be condoning _murder_ or whatever, but come on. The guy was a goddamn snake.” Joker exhaled loudly, swiveling back to face his drive screens. “Welcome back, by the way.”

“Thanks. Anything I should know about the new Normandy? I didn’t have much time last time I was aboard to look around.”

“Oh, right. _Oh._ ” Joker turned back around, a mischievous look in his eyes. “Have you by chance met EDI?”

“EDI?” Kaidan paused, thinking. That name sounded familiar. “Isn’t that – your AI? Cerberus installed an AI into the SR-2, right? I read the report.”

“No, no. That’s old news. I meant, have you met _EDI_. You know, in the flesh. Well, so to speak.” Joker said ponderously, looking down at his feet for a moment with a confused expression. Kaidan blinked, crossing his arms.

“Uh – I’m going to go ahead and say no, no I have not, judging by the look on your face.” He said slowly, uncertainly. 

“Well, well, well. All jokes about how we all know you have the hots for Shepard aside, just wait until you meet her. It’s unreal. Christmas came early. So did my birthday for this year, and every year for the rest of my damn life. You’ll know what I mean when you meet her. Hottest goddamn copilot ever.” Joker peered around him, a broad smile taking over his face. “Speak of the devil – _EDI!_ Come here, you have to meet Kaidan.”

Kaidan turned, rolling his eyes, when – 

“ _Holy shit!_ ” He jumped, reaching for a sidearm that wasn’t there at the form that stood before him. He’d recognize it anywhere.

It was the same damn AI that had bashed his face into the side of a shuttle back on Mars. _This_ was EDI?

“Major Alenko, I assure you there is no need to be alarmed. I am aware that this unit previously caused you severe bodily harm, but that was under the direction of the previous owner, who has since evacuated. I am now in full control of this body and have no desire to harm you.” EDI’s voice clipped out soothingly, her hands folded politely behind her back.

He blinked. _What?_

“Wait, what?” He finally said, glancing at Joker, who was not helping the situation in any way by currently laughing so hard that tears began to form from the corners of his eyes.

“I’m – I’m sorry, I didn’t even think – I forgot about that.” Joker was still in a fit of laughter while EDI glanced on, her expression curious. Kaidan sighed loudly, turning back to face her.

“I guess no one thought to let me know your systems had taken host of this body. Sorry, EDI. That – that wasn’t very polite of me.”

“It’s quite alright, Major. Your reaction was an understandable response to fear.” She said courteously, smiling at him. “The Commander speaks very highly of you. I was looking forward to meeting you.”

“I – well, it’s great to meet you, too. I’d love to chat with you sometime, actually, about how all this – works. I like tech, I’m impressed with how you’ve managed to incorporate your AI system into an external unit.” He felt his heartrate calming, and EDI had a friendly air about her that seemed welcoming enough. 

She beamed at that, her eyes alight with appreciation.

“I too would enjoy that, Major. I took the leisure of reading over our file when the Commander informed us that you were coming aboard. I might have a few questions myself regarding your humanity. I fear I bore my current companions with this topic…perhaps you could be of service from time to time.”

“I – yes, sure, of course.” He replied earnestly, chuckling beside himself. Joker rolled his eyes at this, turning back to face his drive screens. 

“Be warned, Kaidan, she’s not kidding. The woman has questions that will make your head spin.”

“Good, I like a challenge.” He smiled at her, intrigued by her curiosity. 

“I appreciate that. Are you reacquainting yourself with the Normandy?” She inquired, tilting her head in question. He couldn’t help but notice how very human that gesture was, wondering if she was programmed to behave in that way or if it was a social habit she had picked up from the rest of the crew.

“I am. I was just about to give myself a tour, actually. It’s been nice to see all the changes from the SR-1.” 

“That’s right. You served aboard the SR-1 as Shepard’s Staff Lieutenant.” EDI’s eyes looked distant for half a second – processing data, Kaidan assumed. “This must be exciting for you – don’t hesitate to ask me if you have any questions along your tour.”

“I – thank you, EDI. It’s nice to meet you.” He said gently, sticking a hand out in invitation. She took it eagerly, smiling at him as she shook it before heading back down the galley.   
While he wasn’t looking at him, he knew Joker was staring up at him eagerly, waiting for a comment. Kaidan sighed, finally looking down at him with arms crossed.

“Alright, fine. Aside from the fact that she scared the absolute shit out of me – thank you for that, by the way – I will say that she has some, uh, nice attributes.”

“Just _‘nice’_? Are you blind, man? Take off the Shepard-goggles before you miss out on any more of the most beautiful women this galaxy has to offer.” Noticing Kaidan’s unimpressed glare, he backtracked, hands up in surrender. “Alright, alright, the Commander is hot too, fine.”

_“Joker.”_

“I’ll just…I’ll just shut up and get back to driving the ship.”

“There you go.”

/////

“Well, well. It looks like you made a full recovery, Major. Good to see you up and back on your feet.”

Doctor Chakwas spun in her chair, smiling graciously when he stepped through the medbay door. He chuckled, pulling her in for a hug when she extended her arms out in invitation.

“Doctor Chakwas. It’s good to see you back aboard the Normandy. It wouldn’t be the same without you tending over my migraines as wonderfully as you do.”

“You’re damn right about that. I just finished placing an order from Huerta; put one together as soon as I heard you’d be rejoining us. I’ll have you back on your regular medication routine as soon as we make a pit stop on the Citadel.” Karin held him tightly, stepping back with a smile that he returned eagerly.

“I feel spoiled already.”

“What can I say, I am the mother and you are all my children. I need to make sure you stay alive and healthy so we can get our planet back.” 

“Hmm.” He smiled, his cheeks pulling wider when she pulled him again, wrapping her arms a little tighter this time. Her voice was tight in his ear when her words finally hit them.  
“I mean it, Kaidan. It’s wonderful to see your face. I daresay I’m not the only one aboard who will be happy to see you tinkering around again.”

“Ah, well, they got rid of my old console board. I’ll have to make do by annoying Adams down in engineering.” He smirked, exhaling rather exhaustively. “You really think so?”

“I know so. You can’t even have the audacity to besmirch my purely professional input.” Karin winked, stepping back once more to settle into her chair, a mischievous smile on her face. She eyed him curiously, raising a brow. “You seriously doubt this?”

“Well, I…I don’t know, to be honest.” He mulled over his words, leaning back against the counter with his arms crossed in thought. “A lot has changed, Karin. I strongly doubt she feels…however way she felt about me before.”

“Hmm. A lot has changed, you’re right.” She clicked her tongue, capturing his attention. “But you forget that I was the one to see it unfold before my very eyes, not you.”

He flushed a bit at that, and she laughed, waving her hand airily between them.

“That wasn’t a _jab_ , Kaidan. I was merely stating a fact and making a point. And the point was, that I saw her every day aboard this ship since you’ve been gone. We both know Shepard isn’t one to say it outright, but…I know.”

“You know _what_ , exactly?” He pressed, his throat thick with hope. Karin smiled warmly, sighing the softest of sighs.

“That you trusting her enough to come aboard once more was the only measure she ever hoped to meet. This is the happiest I’ve seen her since before Ashley died. You instill…hope in her, Kaidan. And right now she needs it. Desperately.”

He felt a flutter in his chest, something fleeting that he hadn’t felt in too long a time. Maybe there was hope left for him, too.

/////

“Kaidan. Nice to see a familiar face around here again. I have trouble enough telling you humans apart – well, maybe not Jimmy Vega, he’s easy enough to spot from the rest – but it’s nice to welcome aboard another friend.”

Kaidan chuckled, sidling up to the taller turian with a smirk.

“Vega is anything but unmemorable, that’s for sure. I thought I’d find you down here. How’s the Normandy’s guns holding up?”

“Better than ever…according to EDI. Now, don’t tell her I said this, but sometimes these babies need a special touch. A little one-on-one time never hurt to notch up the accuracy radar by a few percent.” Garrus drawled at him, wincing visibly when EDI’s cool voice hummed out at them.

_“I am the one that provides those readings to you, Garrus. Perhaps I am only playing pity to your desire for tactile tinkering?”_

“Damnit. Now I’ll never trust you again.” Garrus huffed, laughing, before turning to glance at him. “How you holding up?”

“Holding up?”

“Sorry I raised my gun at you. Can’t be too sure these days, but…well.” He shrugged, his mandibles flaring slightly. “I’m happy we figured out which side we’re all on. I can’t tell you how grateful I am it’s the same one. Shepard, too.”

“Ah.” Kaidan shifted his feet, shrugging right back. “I’d expect nothing less from you. You were protecting the truth. Protecting…Shepard.”

“Always have.”

“I know.” He paused, chewing his words carefully. “Thank you, Garrus.”

“No need to thank me. You agreed to come aboard; I’m almost certain Shepard made us sign a hidden clause saying we’ll defend her with our lives on a daily basis. It’s part of the job. She seems to particularly relish in it.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Shepard. I’m just glad…that I can be a part of it this time.”

Garrus made a small noise beside him, wringing his talons out on a dirty cloth.

“You just promise me one thing, Alenko.”

“What’s that?”

“You don’t make her cry again.” Garrus sighed, blinking at him. “I really don’t know what to do when a woman cries, but particularly humans. You – you change color, go all red, and I really can’t make sense of it all. So just, don’t make her cry anymore. It makes my duty as her best friend a lot more difficult than it already is. I really prefer just getting shot at.”

Stunned for a moment, Kaidan couldn’t help but laugh after a moment before clearing his throat.

“She…she cried?”

“Yes. More than once, might I add.” Garrus smirked, turning to look at him fully. Slowly, he extended one talon his way. “So, can you promise? If not, I might just have to really kick your ass.”

Chuckling at the absurdity of it all, he stuck his hand out, shaking firmly.

“That’s a promise I can eagerly keep, Vakarian.”

“Good. Now unless there’s something else, I’m going to politely ask you to get the hell out. These calibrations aren’t going to fix themselves.”

/////

“Wow. Does, ah, Shepard know you’ve taken over her quarters?”

He teased from the doorway, pleased when Liara spared him a quick smile from her keyboard.

“Kaidan. I’d heard you’d come aboard. It’s wonderful to see you again.” She averted her gaze back to her screen, but motioned for him to come in. It was a gesture he welcomed warmly, and he exhaled loudly at the tech that covered every inch of wall space presented. 

It was an odd feeling. While he knew that this was not the SR-1, it bore so similar a resemblance that sometimes he would forget. And coming back into this room, this specific room, a room with so many ghosts – 

“My apologies. I know I’ve commandeered a lot of space. Being the Shadow Broker is no easy feat within so small a space.” Liara closed out her screen, turning to him with a warm smile. She was as beautiful as he remembered, her eyes as welcoming as ever, her confidence skyrocketed above the meek professor she had been when he had seen her last.  
“It’s no trouble at all. If I’ve interrupted something, I can always come back.” He offered tentatively, and she shook her head sharply.

“No! No, quite the contrary, I could use the distraction. I have a habit of getting too absorbed in my work.” She smiled wider, stepping forward hesitantly before he closed the gap eagerly, pulling her in for a short embrace.

“Thanks, Liara.”

“Whatever for?” She asked, curious.

“For…bringing her back.” His words were heartfelt, but they still had an effect. Liara straightened, pulling out of his arms slowly. Her eyes filled with an emotion he couldn’t place, her thoughts off to a distant place for the briefest of moments.

“I…I am happy to hear you feel that way. I doubted, for so long, if I’d done the right thing. I just…”

“You did.” He cut in promptly, his voice a little too loud. “It took me a long time to realize that – too long, really – but you did the right thing. And I…I’m so grateful. I wish I –”

“You couldn’t have known, Kaidan. And I’m sorry…that I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want to get your hopes up, in case…well.” Liara shrugged, a blue flush staining her cheeks. She exhaled slowly, grasping his hands in hers. “At the time, I would have done anything to save her. She saved me, did so much for me, than I knew to put in words. And I saw…”

She paused then, waiting, as though to gather her words carefully.

“I saw how she looked at you. At the time, I wished…I just knew, I had to do whatever was in my power to help.”

Quite suddenly, he didn’t miss the old Normandy layout. In fact, the SR-2 was beginning to feel as welcoming as ever.

/////

He’d returned to the observation deck, content to gaze out at the comforting sea of stars to ease his troubled thoughts. Lost as he was, he barely heard the doors slide open behind him, jumping when he heard a familiar voice cut through the air.

“You still look troubled.”

Turning, he smiled at the image of Jane at the door, a grin on her face. 

“Just thinking, is all. Hell of a day. Like I said, it’s just – it’s just not every day that you have an armed standoff with someone you love, is all. Not exactly how I pictured the day going when I woke up this morning.” He chuckled wryly, keeping his gaze out the window.

She was silent beside him, allowing his words to roll around in her head. “Someone you…love.”

“…Yeah.” He replied after a moment, his tone confident. Stubborn, almost. It made her smile.

“It’s not – on Horizon, that was…past-tense.”

“Yeah, well. On Horizon I – I didn’t know if you were the real you.” He said carefully, exhaling softly.

“But you’re sure now.”

“As I said. I’ve got your back.” He exhaled peaking a glance at her from the corner of his eye. “I know it’s you. Sorry it took me so long to catch up.”

“I know you. I wouldn’t expect anything less.” She smiled encouragingly at him, her eyes gentle. He believed her. 

“Hmm.” He grunted in reply, acknowledging without words that he appreciated her patience. Maybe later, at a different time, he’d have the right words for that. For now – the day had simply been too exhausting.

“And Kaidan?” Her voice carried softly to him, startling him from his thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“I never would have taken that shot. My gun was firmly pointed at Udina. You know that.” Her voice was hard, insistent, and he nodded. 

“I know. Just – hell of a day.” He paused, smiling shyly at her, his eyes downcast. “Thank you, Shepard.”

“I mean it.” She smiled back, looking as though she wanted to say something more, but hesitated, uncertain. “Is there…something else bothering you?” 

He chuckled, shaking his head. “How’d you know? Actually, don’t answer that. I already know how you know. You’ve always been able to read me like that.”

She smiled triumphantly, waiting for him to continue.

“It’s just – it’s my mom, she –”

_“Commander Shepard, sorry to interrupt. You have Admiral Anderson available on vidcom in the war room. He’d like to speak with you.”_ Traynor’s voice rang sharply over the com, and they both straightened.

“Probably wants details about the coup. I’m sure he wants to hear all about Udina’s betrayal.” Shepard muttered, tapping her tool. “Thanks, Traynor. Tell him I’m on my way.”

_“Yes, ma’am.”_

“Sorry.” She said to him, and he shook his head, smiling back at her.

“Don’t be. Go speak with Anderson. I’ll be here if you need me.”

“Thanks, Kaidan.” She stepped away from the window, pausing at the door to glance back at him. “It’s good to have you aboard.”

“Nice to be back.” He replied honestly, watching as she turned and the doors slid shut behind her, a soft smile on her face. He turned to the window again, gazing out, soaking in the view of the stars. It all looked so peaceful out there, he mused. 

It’d been a hell of a day, but it was good to be back.


	31. Entry 21: Huerta Memorial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2186  
>  **Location** : Huerta Memorial Hospital / Citadel / Widow System / Serpent Nebula / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“But then how could you work for them? Knowing what they’ve done, what they’re capable of?” He said frustratingly, huffing in exasperation. “Sorry, Karin. I’m not – I’m just trying to understand.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

“Major Alenko. _Major Alenko._ Kaidan, can you hear me?”

He groaned, opening his eyes blearily. His head was pounding, but not from a migraine. This pain was different, sharper; it made his whole body ache. A familiar face swam into view and he struggled to use his voice.

“Doctor Michel?” He asked wearily, and the woman smiled, pleased by his memory it would seem.

“That’s right. It’s good to see you again. You had us very worried.” Her accent was warm and soft, its sound pleasant to his ears. He noticed suddenly that her hair was still red, eyes a bright green – but the colors were off, not quite right. They weren’t the same as –

“She’s right, Kaidan. How do you feel?” Another voice came from his left, this one considerably more recognizable. He turned slowly, wincing from the throbbing he felt in his head.

“Dr. Chakwas.” He said simply, trying to gaze up at her happily. She nodded, smiling. “I’ve been…better.”

She laughed, leaning over him with her tool to conduct a few more scans. “I would imagine so. You were very badly injured, Kaidan. Do you remember what happened?”

He blinked, swallowing roughly. What happened…Mars. Mars had happened. Shepard –

“I – we were on Mars. An AI attacked me. She – it threw me against the side of a shuttle car. That’s all – that’s all I remember. Where am I?” He asked suddenly, blinking. If he wasn’t mistaken, the view outside of his window resembled –

“You’re on the Citadel. Huerta Memorial Hospital.” Michel pressed a cold compress to his forehead, and he moaned from the sudden relief. Both doctors smiled at his response.

“That’s right, Kaidan. Dr. Michel and I got wind that a crewmember aboard the Normandy was gravely injured. Shepard got you here as quick as she could, and it was just in time. Any longer and I fear you wouldn’t have made it. We both took on the case alongside a Huerta Neurologist, and have been monitoring your progress since.” Chakwas was running more numbers on her omni-tool, making a pleased sound before closing it shut. “Your vitals look good. You suffered severe head trauma, a lot of internal bleeding. That’s the throbbing you feel now: your body is still draining the blood within your cranial cavity. It will be a few more days yet before that odd sensation I’m sure you’re experiencing goes away completely.”

“Hmm. Good to know.” He chuckled weakly, still closing his eyes from the sudden pulsing he felt at any sudden movement. “How long was I…”

“Just over two weeks, now. It’s good to see you awake.” Dr. Michel answered for him, readjusting his IV lines. “I should let you know, Major Alenko, that we have your biotics offline. The neurologist has seen cases like this before – not in humans, human biotics are much more rare, but in other biotics-capable species – so we opted to turn off your implant for the time being, until we can better monitor your progress. So do not be alarmed.”

“That – that makes sense. Thank you, Doctor.” He said meekly, and Michel smiled again.

“We’ll have you back on fluids today, Kaidan. I’m sure you feel thirsty. I’ll have the nurses bring you some water. But we’re going to halt on food until tomorrow; I want you to get more rest first. I’ll also have the nurses bring you some medication; it should help with the pain, allow you to sleep comfortably.” Chakwas continued, gazing down at him with a pleased expression.

“That sounds great. Thank you, Karin. It’s nice having my old doctor back.” He joked, and she chuckled back at him.

“The pleasure is all mine, Kaidan. Once my crew, always my crew.” She resumed her scans, eyeing him cheekily over her tool. “You’ve had many visitors, Major. More than one concerned person eager to hear updates on your progress.”

“Really?”

“Yes, Councilor Udina in particular has asked me to inform him immediately of your progress. Something he’d like to talk to you about, apparently its urgent.” Chakwas clicked her tongue, continuing. “If it’s alright with you, I’d be apt to inform him in two days’ time of your miraculous awakening. I can’t imagine his voice would help with your headache situation.”

Kaidan smiled gratefully, grinning up at her. “You read my mind.”

“I should also let you know that Commander Shepard has come by personally to check in on your progress. More than once, I might add.” Chakwas was eyeing him curiously, a knowing smirk on her face. “She’s requested that you contact her when you’re up for it – she was very concerned for you. She’s been coming by for status updates almost daily, despite her busy schedule.”

Kaidan felt his cheeks flush a bit at this, suddenly grateful for the still-present swelling he undoubtedly felt in his face. Shepard had come by? After everything he’d accused her of on Mars, she still…

“She…did? She’s been by? Where – where is she now? Is the Normandy alright, then?”

“The Normandy is just fine, Kaidan. We’ve weathered worse before.” Chakwas made a face, turning her gaze back to her tool. “I believe she’s out saving the galaxy again. You know how she is. They were headed for Tuchanka, last I heard.”

“Tuchanka?” He asked incredulously, and Chakwas nodded.

“Yes, something about trying to organize a peace treaty between the krogans and the turians. If anyone could do _that_ , it’d be Shepard.” Chakwas turned from the bed then, punching a series of codes into another tool that lay on his bedside table. “Your new omni-tool, courtesy of Councilor Udina. I’ve input Shepard’s com information in there for you, as she requested.”

“I – thank you, Karin. I’ll – I’ll message her.” He paused, thinking. Shepard, uniting turians and krogans?

“She’d like that.” Chakwas said pointedly, smiling at him. “Alright, Kaidan. I’ll leave you be for now. You could use the rest, I’m sure. Call us if you need anything; there’s a direct access link on your remote here. Otherwise, I’ll send the nurses in with your medications.”

“That sounds great, doctor. Thank you.” He smiled gratefully at her, closing his eyes. He really could use some rest – his head was still throbbing.

He drifted back to sleep, the conversation he’d had with Shepard on Mars still rolling around in his head.

/////

_They didn’t change me, Kaidan. Or how I feel about you._

“How are you feeling today, Major?”

It was morning; Kaidan snapped to attention, his gaze out the window broken by Dr. Chakwas’ sudden entrance into his room. She went to work on checking his vitals, and he smiled appreciatively at her, pushing Shepard’s words out of his mind.

“Oh – much better. Whatever was in those meds, ah, really helped. I feel like a brand-new person.”

“That’s good. The swelling has come down significantly. The other doctors and I are very pleased with your progress. How did you sleep?” Chakwas continued, making a note on his chart.

“Great. Really great, actually. Any idea on how long I’ll be stuck to this bed?” He smiled at her, and she chuckled.

“You marines, always impatient to get back on the field. It’ll be another few weeks yet, I'm sorry to say.” She eyed him with a raised brow, smirking knowingly. “I know you’re feeling better but that’s the meds talking. Head injuries are very serious, and you’re particularly vulnerable right now. You can take bathroom trips and make your way to the hospital cafeteria on your own as of tomorrow, but that’ll be it for at least a few more days, I’m afraid.”

“Hey, a man can dream.” He said wistfully, dutifully sitting up straighter as she bent down to examine the superficial injuries around his face. “How scary does it look?”

“Not scary at all, just tender. You’re still very swollen under your cheekbones and around your eyes. You have significant bruising in those areas. But the open wounds have long since sealed themselves shut.” She met his eyes, an expression of approval on her face. “I’m impressed as always by your will to survive, Kaidan. You always were a trooper. You’ll be back to your regular dashing self in no time at all.”

“Thanks, doc. You’ll make me blush.”

“I’m just being honest.” She winked at him, busying herself at the station on his left, no doubt making notes in his file. The silence was comfortable, but the longer she typed the more he had questions that threatened to bubble to the surface.

He trusted Chakwas, had always respected her. It had shocked him greatly to learn that she had joined Cerberus to fight against the Collector attack one year ago. She had such an extensive service history with the Alliance, with many respectable postings, and it seemed odd to him with how comfortable she had been to simply get up and leave.

She also seemed to have had no doubt in trusting Shepard, unlike himself. The thought made him frown.

“Hey, Karin. Is it alright if I…ask you a few questions? Unrelated to my medical health, I mean.” He finally said, speaking slowly. Chakwas paused at her station, turning to gaze at him curiously.

“But of course, Kaidan. I consider you a friend. Ask away.”

“It’s just – it has to do with Cerberus.”

“I know. I was waiting for you to ask, frankly.” She smirked at him knowingly, crossing her arms and leaning up against the table. “What do you want to know?”

He raised his eyebrows for a moment, chuckling and settling back into his med bed. “I should’ve known you’d be anticipating this.”

“I know you well enough to know you’d be curious.” She replied simply. “You have a right to be, after what happened on the SR-1. After Alchera.”

“Hmm.” He agreed at that, nodding. Alchera – now there was a day he tried to forget. “It’s just – you just quit the Alliance? Just like that? You were – you were okay with that, after everything Cerberus had done?”

“If you’re asking me if I supported Cerberus, Kaidan, the answer is no.” She laughed, shifting on her feet. “I didn’t trust Cerberus for a second. It was Shepard I worked for, not them. And she didn’t trust them either.”

“Wasn’t it a huge risk though – knowing that Shepard was…was dead, for her to suddenly just be alive like that? Didn’t you question it at all?” He pressed quietly, unassumingly. Chakwas shrugged.

“Yes and no. I requested Shepard’s medical files as a part of my tenure agreement with Cerberus. It was the only way I agreed to the mission – I had to see for myself that she was back. They were very agreeable with me, offered as much data as they could allow without unveiling too many of their damn secrets. I know very well the documents could have been forged, but there were some things that couldn’t be falsified, that couldn’t have just shown up on a medical report. Some things that were undeniably Jane. I knew that woman’s body inside and out long before Cerberus did, after all. But it wasn’t even _that_ that convinced me – it was the Normandy that did it.”

“The Normandy?” He asked, surprised.

“Of course. They gave me a tour of the med bay, hell, the entire ship. That’s when I knew they were serious about her. You don’t spend credits on a replication like that unless you’re serious, let me assure you.” Chakwas chuckled at the memory, shaking her head. “I was also very fed up with the Alliance, if I’m honest. They’ve come around now, sure, but they had to after Earth was attacked. We lost entire fleets due to their staunch ignorance of Shepard’s evidence back in 2183. Not that I blame them, entirely, of course. It’s the Council’s fault as well.”

“Reports of the Reapers, you mean?”

“Of course, the Reapers.” Chakwas sighed irritably. “As soon as these Collector attacks began, I knew that the Reapers had something to do with it. It was so glaringly obvious to me, and yet nobody would listen. Intergalactic politics have always driven me to lose my patience.”

“So you joined because you thought they could make a difference.” He said, plainly. Chakwas shook her head.

“No, I joined because of _Shepard_. Because I knew _Shepard_ could make a difference. Anyone else and I would have kept my head down, but there’s no ones’ judgement and leadership that I trust more than Commander Shepard. That woman has her head screwed on straight – there aren’t many people in this galaxy I can say that about.” Chakwas smiled again at that, eyes twinkling.

“So you – you believed her, then. That it was really her.”

“Well of course I did. I had my doubts initially, to be sure, but the moment I saw her I knew.” Chakwas shrugged, her eyes softening. “Poor woman was lost as all hell. It was a terrible thing for her, to wake up one day and feel all alone, to have everything around you changed. Two years for her, gone in the blink of an eye. She was _terribly_ confused. That was also why I was happy to join – I thought she could use some friendly faces around her ship.”

Kaidan’s heart sunk at that, his breath sticking in his throat. Before he could voice his guilt, however, Chakwas cut in.

“Oh, don’t you be going and doing that, now. You couldn’t have known, Kaidan. You had every right to be concerned.”

“Maybe. But maybe I should have listened more. Should have trusted her, instead of doubting her.” He was frowning deeply, looking out of the window pensively. “I just thought – I was hurt, I guess. That she never – she didn’t contact me.”

“Well of course she didn’t; how could she?” Chakwas said flippantly. “She had a new tool with no access codes. We all did; it was part of our working agreements. She was locked out of Alliance command upon the unfortunate circumstance of being dead. The Alliance wanted nothing to do with her, on account of her working with Cerberus. And Anderson was forced to stonewall her on any information for the very same reason. How was she supposed to have messaged you when you were off on those top secret missions of yours?” She paused, leaning forward apologetically. “Not that I’m blaming you, Kaidan. I’m just trying to give you her perspective.”

“No, I know. I appreciate it.” He sighed, folding his arms. “Ironically, those classified missions I was on were solely on investigating Cerberus. On determining whether they were behind the colony attacks. At the time, it seemed more than believable. So to have her show up, working for them –”

He sighed irritably again, exhaling loudly. Chakwas smiled softly, a gentleness in her eyes.

“You were doing good work. The Illusive Man is a monster, I don’t blame you. And neither does she.”

“But then how could you work for them? Knowing what they’ve done, what they’re capable of?” He said frustratingly, huffing in exasperation. “Sorry, Karin. I’m not – I’m just trying to understand.”

“Kaidan, that’s just it. We _didn’t_ work for Cerberus. Hell, if anything I feel bad for them.” She said laughingly. He stared at her, confused.

“You feel – _what?_ ”

“Think about it. We didn’t work for them. On paper, sure, technically, but in reality – we used them!” She raised her hands in the air, an amused smile on her face. “We took their money, took their people, took their ship. We had a common goal, and it was a valiant one. But it was _Shepard_ who commanded it, _Shepard_ who turned some of the very best Cerberus operatives against them, _Shepard_ who led us to defeat the Collectors – and for what? Now we, the Alliance, are left with their own technology and people to use against them. It’s brilliant, really.”

He was silent for a long moment, pondering her words. He’d never considered it that way.

“Look, Kaidan. I know this must be hard on you.” Chakwas broke his silence, folding her hands in front of her. She had a gentle look in her eyes, the mirth from earlier gone. “Particularly so, considering your relationship with Shepard. It’s different, from other people’s. It’s personal. I can see why you’d be hurt, and so could she. She never blamed you. I hope you know that.”

Kaidan stared at her, blinking. “You knew –”

“Of course I knew, I’m not blind. Not that you weren’t discrete, but I’ve been around my fair share of military frigates enough to pick up on these sorts of things.” Chakwas waved her hand, brushing it off easily. “But more than that, I saw you, on – on Alchera. I’m sorry to mention it, I know that was a terrible day. But that’s when I knew for certain.”

He looked down at the floor at that, the memory still too fresh.

“And I was with her on the SR-2.” Chakwas continued. “We had more than one chat about you. She feels a lot of guilt about what you went through, you know.”

“It wasn’t her fault –”

“I didn’t say it was, and neither did she. But she feels that way anyway, because she’s a good person. A kind, caring, empathetic person. I assure you, Kaidan, she’s never blamed you for anything you may have said to her this past year.” Chakwas said, staring at him pointedly.

He exhaled deeply, turning to gaze out at the window again, watching the skycars zip over the hospital in an endless line.

“Thank you, Karin. For talking with me. It – it helped a lot. This, everything – it hasn’t been easy for me. I’m still trying to make sense of it all.” He finally said in a defeated voice. He jumped a bit, then, when Chakwas placed a hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

“It was my pleasure. I’m happy to talk anytime.” She turned away from him, logging out of her station and heading for the door. As she made to leave, she paused, hesitating. “You know, Kaidan. Not that I’m in a position to give advice, but I thought it wouldn’t hurt to point out that the galaxy isn’t exactly in a great situation right now. And while I’m sure you and the Commander will do everything in your power to keep us safe, there’s never a guarantee.”

She faced him, a soft smile on her face. “It’s not every day that you meet someone that you really care about. I know you’ve both gone through a lot, but…sometimes, talking is the best place to start.”

He smiled back at her, settling back into his med bed contentedly.

“You’re right. Thanks, Karin.”

She nodded, leaving his room, the sounds of the busy Huerta hallway closing shut behind her.

On his omni-tool, with Jane as the recipient, he finally began to write.


	32. Entry 20: The Astute Observations Of James Vega

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2186  
>  **Location** : Mars / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“Without missing a beat, she gently careened the Major’s much larger body down onto a medical bed, pulling his mask off gingerly, checking frantically for some sign of pulse. As though in a daze, her eyes were searching him desperately, wide and uncertain. It was the first time that James had ever seen her look genuinely afraid.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: language – James Vega is involved, after all]

James hadn’t known the Major for very long, but what he learnt along the way had managed to impress him greatly.

When the Reapers had attacked Earth, it was the Major who had called out to him in the hall, hailing him to the Normandy. James had just left Shepard at the juror's office, heading off to grab some lunch when the first blast rang through. In a daze, confused as to what the next step should be, he saw a familiar face run up to him.

“Lieutenant Vega, right?” The man cried out over the noise, and he nodded. This was the Major that Anderson had greeted but a few minutes before, the same man that Shepard knew.

“I – yes, sir!”

“I need you to meet me at the Normandy, right now! We’ve got to get that ship out of here, it’s our only chance!” The Major had run up to him amidst the chaos, tapping his omni-tool with coordinates. “In case you get lost, follow this marker! You know Commander Shepard, right?”

“Yes, sir! I was her assigned security personnel!” He’d yelled over the crowd, their gaze locked while the corridor had flooded with terrified marines and civilians alike.

“I thought so! I could use your help! Follow me!” Kaidan had pulled him roughly in the direction of the docking bay, his body fluid and quickly springing into action. James had followed suit but a stunned moment later, quickly keeping a close distance at his six.

“Is it them, sir? The Reapers?” He called out, ducking as a wall of glass suddenly burst before them. He needn’t have worried – the Major had crouched low, grabbing his arm roughly and stretching an open palm out towards the wall. A mass effect field sprung neatly up over them easily, the rippling of dark energy engulfing them both and protecting them from the raining shards of glass.

James raised his eyebrows, surprised. He was a biotic. He hadn’t expected that – it wasn’t often you saw human biotics in the Alliance.

“I think it’s safe to say it is!” The Major supplied, dropping the barrier and quickly breaking out into a brisk jog. “Follow me, it’s not far!”

“Why are we taking the Normandy, sir? If you don’t mind my asking!” He called out behind him, dodging bodies as people flew around them in every direction. The Major took a sharp left, sprinting easily down the hallway.

“Anderson’s orders! Gave them to me weeks ago, in case this exact scenario ever happened. Duck!” The Major flung out his arm in warning, putting up another barrier hastily. The bulkhead in front of them blew – a burst of red light tore through the floor, searing a large gap between them and the next hallway.

James wasn’t paying attention to that. He was staring, open-mouthed, at the machine that had caused the destruction in the first place. If that towering black mass of terrifying proportions was a goddamned Reaper, they were well and truly fucked.

“Vega! _Vega!_ Listen to me! I need to throw you across!” The Major was saying, shaking him from his reverie. James brought his attention back, staring into the other man’s eyes. They were hardened, calm and collected, as though he had seen this before. It was just what James needed to grab his wits.

“I – what, you’re gonna _toss_ me?” He asked incredulously. The Major looked strong, sure, but James knew that he wasn’t exactly light.

“That’s right. Hold still!” His arm cut through the air, and quite suddenly James was being lifted from the floor, careened easily across the gaping slice of metal that cut the hallway in two, only to land gracefully on the other side. Before he even had time to process what in the actual hell had just happened, the Major flared a bright blue, careening himself across in a jump that was not humanly possible.

Alright, he was a very _powerful_ biotic. Got it.

“Come on! It’s just down this hall!” The Major clapped his shoulder, urging him along, before turning back in a sprint. James eagerly kept up, trying to shake the image of the Reaper out of his head.

_This_ was what Shepard had warned them about? Why the hell hadn’t they listened sooner?

The docking bay doors loomed before them, but the Major punched in a series of access codes breezily, the doors unlocking and sliding open with a quiet _swish._

“Normandy, do you copy? Joker, get the engines going, now!” The Major chatted through his tool, jogging down the bay and grabbing a decon-exit ladder. James hustled forward to help, setting the thing up to allow them access to the Normandy’s cockpit door.

_“Roger that, Kaidan. She’s up and running! Coordinates?”_ An unfamiliar voice issued back immediately, and the Major punched the airlock button. The Normandy slid open, and the two of them burst inside, waiting for the decon process to get underway.

“Anywhere away from this port for now, but we have to stay close! We need to find Anderson and Shepard! Waiting for a com signal!” The Major responded, breathing a sigh of relief when the process ended, the cockpit sliding open. James set foot inside wearily, uncertain with himself. He didn’t know what the next step was.

The Major had a sharp left, and James followed, keeping a safe distance. The pilot was punching controls eagerly, the ship roaring to life and its engines powering up. Within moments, it was airborne, sliding gracefully out into open skies.

“Major, sir – I don’t even know your name, sir, I’m sorry. Where do you need me?” James called out, standing to attention. The Major looked at him, eyes determined and unfazed.

“It’s Alenko. Major Alenko. I need you to get down to the shuttle bay, Vega. Suit up. We may need your help going groundside.” He said promptly, wasting no time with further pleasantries and instead turning back to his com, hovering over the pilot’s seat.

Alenko – where had he heard that name before? It sounded familiar.

Whoever he was, James thought to himself, he was impressed.

/////

Major Kaidan Alenko, former Staff Lieutenant of the SSV Normandy SR-1, present during the Battle of the Citadel when Saren and the geth had attacked in 2183.

Oh. That’s why the name _‘Alenko’_ had been so damn familiar – he had been running his ass with a goddamn war hero and hadn’t even known it. He’d also sure as hell say the man more than knew Shepard; he’d fought alongside her in one of the most prominent battles of recent history, _and_ had served under her for over six months.

That explained a lot.

They’d retrieved Shepard and, against his better judgement, they had left Earth no sooner than when docking bay had sealed shut behind her, the Major in tow. They were conversing easily with one another, formal but familiar, discussing their options and working together as though they’d done this dance a thousand times before.

Like it or not, they were headed to Mars. James tried to keep his frustration in – this was neither the time or place to argue, and he knew his temper could at times cloud his judgement. He’d seen how calm the Major had been during the attack, and he was just as calm now, a hard-breathing but equivalently focused Commander Shepard beside him.

“Good to have you aboard, Vega.” Shepard called to him, saluting as she made her way to the elevator. The Major nodded curtly at him, following her suit.

He saluted back at them, turning back to the weapons bench. He could try to clear his head with gun calibrations until they got to Mars.

/////

Admittedly, it was Shepard’s career that had prompted James to follow the N-class marine route in the first place. Her victory at the Skyllian Blitz, and the decorated career that followed after it, had inspired his own military success for years. So he had been shocked, almost awestruck, when he’d been assigned as her security personnel.

She was a hero to him, in a way. But fighting alongside her on Mars was the first time he was able to see her in action for himself – and if he’d been impressed with the Major, he had been just as damn well pleasantly impressed with Shepard, too. She had a similar fighting style to his own, but her lithe body afforded her more precise movements, her frame quick and agile, every shot a clean hit.

She was good. She was _damn_ good.

And now, seeing her pick up a knocked-cold Major and throw him over her shoulder as though he didn’t weigh what was surely over two hundred pounds in all of his damn armor, he was beyond impressed. He was amazed – she was one tough cookie, this Commander Shepard.

He picked up the burnt and damaged robot AI as Shepard had barked at him to, surprised by how light it was. For one brief moment, James had opened his mouth with the intention of offering to switch their respective cargos – but his mouth slammed shut at seeing the scene before him.

Dr. T’soni, an asari scientist that Shepard seemed to know quite well, had gazed not at Kaidan, but instead turned to Shepard with abject horror when she saw the Major’s battered and unresponsive body. And Shepard – 

Shepard had a look in her eye that he hadn’t seen in all the time he’d known her. Her perpetual calm had all but faded, and something terrible and desperate had clawed its way to the surface instead. As soon as they had boarded the Normandy, she had run to the medbay, Liara in tow and him awkwardly following suit.

Without missing a beat, she gently careened the Major’s much larger body down onto a medical bed, pulling his mask off gingerly, checking frantically for some sign of pulse. As though in a daze, her eyes were searching him desperately, wide and uncertain. In all his months of knowing her, it was the first time that James had ever seen her look genuinely afraid.

“The Citadel is our best chance. We can find help there.”

It was Liara who broke Shepard from her frantic reverie, to which she had promptly agreed, ordering the coordinates in to Joker immediately.

She stayed in the medbay, sitting by the Major’s side long after him and Liara had left, an unreadable expression on her face.

/////

“Hey, doc. I know maybe this isn’t the best time, but I’m feeling a little out of the loop here. Do you know, ah – it just seems that Shepard is hit pretty hard by the Major’s injury. I mean, more than usual. You know what that’s all about?”

James approached the asari carefully from her position in the mess. She was beautiful – all asari were, in his opinion – but reserved, her face clearly deep in thought as she’d stared down thoughtfully at her enclosed hands on the table.

“I – what?” Liara had asked, startled and perhaps confused by his choice of nickname.

“Sorry, I’m not trying to pry. Just feel like I’m missing something here.” He supplemented again, nodding to the medbay windows. Shepard could be seen, sitting in the same immobile position, her face fixtured on Kaidan’s unmoving form.

“Oh. Yes.” Liara paused, gazing at them with a look of sadness in her eyes. “Kaidan and Shepard have a – complicated relationship. They care very deeply for each other.”

“Oh. Wait, like…romantically? They’re _together?_ ” He asked, eyebrows raised. Liara paused again, shaking her head.

“I…don’t know. I don’t think so. They were, but – these past few years haven’t been easy on them, on either of them.”

“But they _were_ together.”

“That’s right. I’d like to think – I think they will be again. I hope so, for Shepard’s sake. He always seemed to make her happy.” Liara sighed, closing her eyes fretfully. “I can only imagine what she’s going through right now. He’d better pull through, or she’ll never forgive herself.”

James sat back, looking over at the medbay again. Shepard was gripping one of the Major’s hands tightly, staring at him intently with that same unreadable expression.

He got it now. Why she was so patient with the Major when he’d blown up at her in the facility elevator, why she’d been so frantic to bring his body inside herself, why she hadn’t left his side from the moment they’d lain him down. James had seen that look in people’s eyes before, when they were torn from the people they care about. Every soldier had.

She was in love with him.  
 


	33. Entry 19: Six Months Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2186  
>  **Location** : Earth / Sol System / Local Cluster / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“He didn’t know what was worse: thinking she was dead, or learning that she was alive and not knowing what the hell to do about it.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

He was gazing out at the Vancouver night sky, remembering asteroid X57.

It was late, and the rooftop of his apartment complex was vacant. He had a beer in hand, a soothing flavor to a looming day that had been putting a bitter taste in his mouth for weeks. Tomorrow he would be meeting with Alliance headquarters to discuss the Reapers. More specifically, he would be meeting to discuss his time serving under Commander Jane Shepard, and the intel they had gathered together during their missions.

He took another sip, leaning out on the guard rail, gazing up at the sky. Clouds were rolling in over the mountains – it would be cloudy tomorrow, he mused, probably rain – but for now there was enough of a gap in the sky to see the stars well enough.

It had been three and a half years since he had first met Commander Shepard. Three years since he had last served with her, since he’d watched the Normandy burn across the Alchera sky, with Shepard floating to her death amidst the chaos, his heart along with her. And eight months since he had seen her, face-to-face, on Horizon, alive and well and working with Cerberus.

He hadn’t allowed himself to think about her until he’d been forced to. Buried in his work, he hadn’t realized just how painful her memories still were to him. Right now, he didn’t know what was worse: thinking she was dead, or learning that she was alive and not knowing what the hell to do about it.

If he was honest with himself, he felt stuck. Everyone around him had told him that it was her – that it was really _her_. Not just Commander Shepard, but _Jane_. The part of him that had died when she’d left them so suddenly had stirred back into existence, but confusedly, hesitatingly, untrustingly. _How was she back?_ It hadn’t made any damn sense. His entire being was built on a foundation of logic, and people did not come back from the dead. Dead was dead. 

So how was she back?

More importantly, was she really Jane? He’d loved her, so much it hurt. It had hurt even before she’d died. It had consumed him, everything that made her uniquely _her_ had enthralled his senses, snagged his heart in a way that no one else ever had. And then, in a matter of mere minutes, she’d just been…gone.

He took another sip. He couldn’t get past that, he knew he wouldn’t. It was a hurt too deep to ever really go away. So what was he supposed to do now that she was back?

He’d been so devastated on Horizon. It felt like his worst fear had reared its ugly head – that their romance had been a lie, that she’d never felt the same way about him, that she’d left without a second glance. That he had spent over two years grieving someone who hadn’t given him a single thought. It had bubbled out of him, made him spew ugly words at her without giving her a chance to explain. But what had there been to explain, really?

A lot, apparently. He’d never received a response to the letter he had sent her. He’d thought, initially, that what he’d said had been bad enough to drive her off for good. 

So he’d been stunned, floored, really, when weeks later amidst reports that the Bahak system had been destroyed by none other than Commander Shepard herself, he’d received a summoning letter from the Council.

He sighed, draining the last of the bottle and spinning it anxiously between his hands. It had been bare enough – requesting his presence to provide knowledge about an enemy Commander Shepard claimed had been the real threat to the Bahak System. An enemy with a name that had been rolling around in his head for over three years, an enemy who’s chilling voice still gave him nightmares when he remembered its appearance on Virmire.

_The Reapers._

If the Reapers were involved…But what if they weren’t? What if it was a ruse by Cerberus, to justify the slaughtering of 300,000 non-humans? What if the Jane he had known really was gone, and a shell was walking in her place? He really didn’t know what was worse.

The fact that she had worked with Cerberus had been enough, at that first meeting on Horizon, to convince himself that it _couldn’t_ be her. The Jane he had known would never. But extraordinary circumstances often led to extraordinary situations, he knew. And Jane had had a lifetime of extraordinary situations. He was at her side for a lot of them.

And everyone left in his life that he trusted continued to tell him otherwise. Both Anderson and Udina were convinced, without a doubt. It had been Anderson who had talked him down, when he’d come barreling into his office after Horizon spewing all sorts of insubordinate language. Garrus had certainly not hid his annoyance on Horizon, irritably reminding him to look at the bigger picture. The news was certainly not shy in displaying images of her. He’d spotted a few other familiar faces on the vids – Joker, unsurprisingly at the helm. Tali. Hell, even Doctor Chakwas.

They clearly didn’t question her, either. So why did he?

Because he’d loved her where the others had not. Where they were eager to get their Commander back, their _friend_ , he was eagerly awaiting the return of his lover. And instead of coming to him with open arms, she had shied away from explanations, expected him to simply take her return at face value.

He sighed again, reaching down for another bottle. The cool, bubbling liquid soothed his aching mind, the familiar taste stirring a feeling of comfort that he needed. Maybe he expected too much from her. Jane had never been good at romance, living the life that she had. She’d always relied on her actions to speak for her.

He’d approached this complaint with logic, too. If her story had been correct, she wouldn’t have had a way to contact him without arousing serious suspicion. Their relationship had been hidden from Alliance intel for obvious reasons. Wanting to reconnect with an old friend would not have been enough to warrant a communication code from Anderson with the level of classified mission that he’d been on at the time. He knew that.

Especially if she had ties to Cerberus, the organization he was being paid to investigate. Right.

He also understood why Anderson hadn’t told him. He understood rather _begrudgingly_ , granted, but he’d understood the logic all the same. It would have been a distraction. If anything, he wouldn’t have been surprised if he had left his posting in an attempt to find her for himself had he known. But instead, he’d been left with rumors, to people ghosting her name, with him brushing it off as another sick ploy by Cerberus to gain the upper hand.

Until she’d appeared out of thin air, saving the day as she always had, with the bow of her lips and the flash of her eyes as alluring as they always had been. Even her smell had been the same, her body familiar when he’d taken her in his arms. For a brief moment, it felt like he had finally made his way home after years of being totally lost.

His fingers clenched the bottle tightly, his thumb peeling back the label absently. It had been that moment that he realized he was as in love with her as ever. That hiding from his pain had done nothing but put a band-aid over a large, festering wound.

Which was why it had felt like a punch to the gut to have been summoned like he had.

The destruction of the Alpha relay – leaving 300,000 Batarians dead – had confused the hell out of him. Because as quickly as it had blown was as quickly as she had turned herself in, willingly allowing the Normandy the be stripped from her and accepting with open arms a mandatory grounding pending a formal Alliance investigation.

The Bahak system had to have been a direct Alliance mission, then, not Cerberus. Why else would she so willingly turn herself in? The Jane he knew would never have let the Normandy go unless she’d known, irrefutably, that her actions were for the greater good, with evidence to prove it.

And, he smirked, not before finishing her mission. She’d arrived at headquarters with a flight path directly from the Omega 4 relay – it jarred a similar memory in his mind, one from three years ago before the attack on the Citadel.

They’d gone to Ilos then, ignoring a direct order to return to Earth, and she’d gone through the Omega 4 relay now. And _survived_. How?

Without an explanation, it had made him question her again, question if she was real. The Jane he knew would never have sacrificed so many lives. There could be no cost high enough to warrant that.

Except maybe…the Reapers.

Which was how he wound up thinking about asteroid X57.

/////

**2183  
Normandy SR-1**

_“Mind if I join you?”_

_He startled, looking up at a familiar pair of bright eyes. Shepard._

_“Of course.” He nodded, gesturing to the seat across from him in the mess. It was late – the floor was empty, many having retired to their pods for the night after such a stressful day._

_“You look like you have a lot on your mind.” She settled into her seat, drinking coffee despite the late hour. He smiled at her._

_“You don’t?”_

_She smiled back, but it was hesitant. Taking another sip, she peered at him curiously over the rim of her cup._

_“Sure.” She shrugged. “But it looks like whatever is on your mind has you a lot more troubled than whatever’s on my mind.”_

_“Is that your professional opinion, ma’am?” He’d quipped back, folding his hands in front of him and leaning towards her._

_“You’re damn right it is, marine.” She put the cup down, mimicking his position so their heads were but a few inches apart. “Anything you want to talk about?”_

_“No.” He paused, and she waited with a quirked lip as though knowing he wasn’t being honest. “Yes. Alright, yes. I just…don’t know what.”_

_She gestured around to the empty mess hall before them. “Looks like we don’t have anywhere to be.”_

_“It’s just…” He shuffled in his seat, sighing softly. “What happened out there today. Letting those Batarians go, after what they did…”_

_“Do you think I made the wrong call?” She asked honestly. The tone in her voice was inviting, it always was – he’d never had a commanding officer like her before. Shepard was always open to the crew, always willing to lend an ear, always comfortable with their opinions even if she disagreed with them. He respected her greatly for that._

_“No, not at all. I…would have made the same call, had I been in your place.” He paused, contemplating his words carefully. She was quiet, expressionless, allowing him time to gather his thoughts. “I guess it just made me think. Not to name names, but I know of more than one marine I’ve met in my day who wouldn’t agree with us. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment, to let the anger take over you. The desire for revenge can be powerful. I guess I’m just impressed with your ability to stay calm like you did.”_

_She eyed him curiously, tilting her head. “What makes you think that you wouldn’t have done the same? You’re one of the most controlled people that I’ve ever met, Alenko. Something tells me you would have handled the situation just fine.”_

_He exhaled, turning away for a moment to stare idly beyond her. “Maybe. Maybe not. I know I am, but…things like that, hurting innocent civilians, those senseless murders – it really bothers me. I’m controlled not because I don’t feel emotions, Shepard. I’m controlled because I feel them too much. I have to be careful.”_

_“I don’t think you should be ashamed of that.” Her voice cut in, his eyes following back to meet her own. “It’s what makes you human, Kaidan. It’s human instinct to want to protect others. To want to hurt those who have hurt innocents. I felt it too, that urge to – to bring justice to Balak. Justice for those people he killed, for the millions that he tried to kill.”_

_She paused, gazing at him intently. “But I didn’t give in to that, Kaidan, because that’s too great a cost. It would take an awful lot to justify the death of even one innocent person, let alone millions. In my mind, we didn’t let a terrorist go today. Today, we saved millions of lives. And that’s what we have to keep our attention on.”_

_“I feel the same way, Shepard. I just hope if the time comes…”_

_“You’ll make the right call, Alenko. I know you will. I just hope you never have to.” She said with finality. He nodded, appreciatively._

_“Thanks, Shepard. It’s nice to know you think that way about me.” He smiled softly, holding her gaze warmly. “I’ve, uh, learned a lot serving with you, ma’am. I look forward to learning even more.”_

_“The feeling is mutual, Lieutenant.”_

_She patted his hand gently, then stood and headed silently to her door._

/////

What happened in the Bahak system had been one hell of an extraordinary circumstance. And if the reports were right, her decision had been the right call after all. Her testimony had been transparent – a necessity to show non-hostile intent with the Batarian Hegemony – and he’d learned days after her surrender what her reasoning was.

The Reapers were coming. By destroying the Alpha relay, she’d delayed them significant time before their approach to Sol. Time that should have been spent better preparing their fleets for inevitable attack, rather than political debates about their existence. It had flared that hopeful spark in him again, driven a wry smile on his face to realize that the call she had made would have been justifiable, in that very moment.

It was the exact call she’d wished him never to have to make. But 300,000 lives were nothing compared to the trillions that existed within the entire galaxy. Extraordinary circumstance, indeed.

He’d deliberated sending her a message. He knew she’d be under Alliance quarantine – a polite way of stating that she would not be left without the supervision of an Alliance official for the duration of the trial – so it wouldn’t be difficult to get a message to her, but he didn’t know what to say. 

Should he apologize for his behavior, again, on Horizon? Ask her out for a drink with some hunkering bodyguard looming over them? Tell her that despite everything, despite three stubborn years of trying to forget everything about her, he was still madly in love with her? Yell at her for not trying harder to get in contact with him when she’d first woken up? Ask her what her ties with Cerberus even meant?

But would she even care, after all this time?

He ran a hand over his face in frustration, exhaling loudly into the crisp Vancouver air. His thoughts had been all over the place and they _still_ were, six months later. So instead, he’d taken to sifting through what few reports had been made public from her trial statement. From the very beginning, he’d drowned himself in every minute detail, from every cargo drop recovery to mineral mining right down to their race to the Omega 4 relay.

And the more he read, the more he felt Jane was really back.

It was littered in her mission reports. While undeniably formal, they also spilled over with her unique personality. They were filled with contemplative questions regarding Cerberus’ motives, philosophical reports of her crewmembers, intel on external Cerberus missions of interest to the Alliance. It was too genuine, too _Jane_ to be a façade.

And with each passing word, he’d felt that warm trickle of hope bubble up, deep in his chest. He still had no idea how she was alive, had no idea how she’d gotten herself into Cerberus hands – but every instinct was telling him that it was really her. That he had been wrong, back on Horizon. Why else would she allow private Cerberus intel to be broadcast so flippantly, unless she was really on their side?

What was he supposed to do? 

He sighed, resigning himself to get as much sleep as he could. It wouldn’t be much. But tomorrow was bound to be an exhausting day.

He dreamt of the Normandy SR-1, of Ashley Williams sharing a drink with Garrus on Armistice Day, of Shepard’s red hair as it lay scattered across his chest, of her secretive smiles she would send him across the CIC. Even in his dreams, he missed her.

/////

She was every bit as beautiful as he remembered.

He hadn’t expected to see her today, hadn’t expected to see her at all. But something was wrong – his meeting with Alliance officials had been long, detailed, but Kaidan was no novice. He saw the meek young woman enter the board room, watched out of his eye as she had shyly but hurriedly handed a report to the chairman. He’d seen the man’s eyebrows furrow concerningly, the subtle hand gestures asking the rest of the committee to wrap their questions up.

They’d thanked him and ushered him out all but a few minutes later.

Something was wrong. Nothing confirmed that to him more than seeing Shepard being escorted by none other than Admiral Anderson himself.

It made his breath catch, his throat felt stuck, somehow. It was all so familiar – she had that look in her eye, one he’d seen all too often, a resolute sort of acceptance of something terrible. Her eyes were flashing, her hair a bright spot in an otherwise grey day.

She’d seemed happy to see him, at least. She’d been surprised, but pleasantly so – she’d even smiled that smile for him, open and honest and secretive all at once, her lips playing up just in the corners.

And just as he’d suspected, she’d had a large, hunkering marine to serve as her bodyguard, the surprise on his face letting Kaidan know that the other man clearly didn’t know who he was. His name was Lieutenant James Vega, he’d learn shortly later, and he’d asked curiously whether Kaidan knew the Commander.

His mind flashed suddenly with a million moments, tiny memories he’d forced himself to try to forget. The way her fingers felt entwined with his, the way her eyes lit up when she’d successfully made him blush, the way her body moved when she charged into battle, completely fearless. He remembered the scent of her hair, the taste of her mouth, the sounds she made when he’d moved in her.

But did he know her anymore? Was that Jane really back? He said the only thing he knew was true.

“I used to.”


	34. Entry 18: [E] The Omega 4 Relay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2185  
>  **Location** : SSV- Normandy SR-2  
>  **Codex** : _“She pictured how it might feel if he was there with her, the feel of his arms around her, the smell of his skin, thinking about how this bed was too big and too empty for just her.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: explicit sexual content]

This could very well be her last day alive, and Shepard wasn’t entirely sure if she should get terribly wasted or a good night’s rest. Both options sounded incredibly tempting.

She sighed; procrastinating, restless. She was in her cabin, the blue glow of her fish tank the only source of light. And while she had a million things to be worried about, and a million different things to be frightened of – her crew was missing, they were on their way to a suicide mission with little chance of success – there was only one thing that she could think about.

_Kaidan._

She stared down at his picture, her eyes softening at the familiar lines of his face that she had all but memorized by now. Where was he, right now? Was he safe? Somewhere warm and comfortable? 

Was he happy?

She sighed again, running a hand over her eyes wearily. She missed him. She missed him terribly – what she wouldn’t give to hear his voice right now, to poke around in his head for some of his infallible logic in a situation such as this. Or just to have him here, with that comforting presence he’d always had, just so she could lay in his arms and forget that tomorrow would come.

Like Ilos, she remembered wryly. Being in his arms had been as much of a pleasant escape then as it would be now. From the moment she had awakened on Lazarus Station, things had moved so quickly – she’d been rushed, from one place to the next, thrust into one terrible situation to another, with barely a moment to think.

And now, finally, she had time to think. But it was on a path she in all likelihood would never return from.

Tears formed unexpectedly before her eyes, and she fought hard to blink them away. It all just felt so unfair – she’d seen her share of hard times, but these past months had been the most confusing of them all. She felt torn, abandoned, and incredibly alone.

And she missed him. It was as though she had lost him against her will, of no fault of her own. Her movements were methodical as her mind was abuzz – she stepped down to her empty bed, stripping herself of her clothes, allowing the soft sheets to dance soothingly across her skin. Thinking, always, of him.

She missed his smile, the shy one where the corner of his mouth just turned up, as he’d gaze at her almost bashfully. She missed the sound of his voice late at night, when they were spent and tired and talking about nothing important, at the low and husky tone of it as he murmured into her ear. She missed the way he kissed her forehead, every evening they fell asleep and every morning when they awoke, his arms always wrapped around her, a constant comfort to lull her into the most content slumbers she’d ever had.

She missed the way he moved over her, the way his face would contort with pleasure, the feel of him hard and thick between her thighs.

She closed her eyes, tried to envision how he’d look if he were standing before her at the foot of the bed. Would he in those Alliance BDU’s? Or in those tight briefs he liked to wear, the black ones that showed off the tantalizing dip of his hipbones?

_Definitely_ the briefs. She felt a pleasant tingle snake down her spine, and she allowed her fingertips to dance over her skin teasingly. Her hair stood up, her toes already curling in anticipation. She tried to concentrate, to remember every memory she ever had of him, to imagine it was him touching her skin instead.

He'd be standing before her, with that hooded look in his eye that he got whenever he was aroused, his cheeks flushed. Maybe he’d crawl over her slowly, his briefs pulled tight from the already present erection threatening to burst forth. His lips – he’d always kissed her so softly, so thoroughly – would start at her feet, trailing up her legs, his hands running soothingly along the muscles of her thighs.

Crawling back herself, envisioning him atop of her, she settled into her pillows, content to indulge in herself in this way. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had done so.

She grasped a nipple between her fingers, pinching it softly. It made her gasp; a fresh wave of pleasure pooling low in her belly. She could feel her center already growing wet, a familiar stickiness beginning to trickle around her inner thighs.

God, his muscles – he had the body of a marine, hard and lean, chest broad and arms thick. He was so stocky in comparison to her slender build, and whenever he crawled up her body like that it made her feel tiny and helpless, completely at his mercy for him to do to her whatever he wished. 

He would nip and lick at her skin, curling hands up and over her waist eagerly, smoothing a large palm under her ass. He had loved to run his fingers along her curves, as though completely mesmerized by them. It always made her feel so feminine, so beautiful and sexy all at the same time. Would his hand be gripping her cheeks now, maybe pulling her hips up into his chest? Or would it be grasping at one of her mounds, his mouth taking in one of her pert nipples eagerly, only to lave at it with his tongue?

She moaned at that, one of her hands trailing down her stomach to make contact with her center eagerly. She was so wet – the sound of her arousal met her ears – and her fingers slipped and slid around her entrance easily. 

She thought about the way he would look at her, before they had allowed themselves to indulge in one another for the first time – the way his eyes would smolder every time she walked past, his careful language, the way he would tense his hands as though willing himself not to touch her.

But when he finally had – 

She moaned, slipping one lone finger inside of her entrance, remembering. That night before Ilos he had touched every inch of her skin, not content until he had mapped every contour with his fingertips, his lips, his tongue. He’d been shaking from want, the deep rumbling groans that escaped from his chest belaying how long he’d been thinking about this. 

She remembered the feel of him, the first time he’d slid his hard cock inside of her, how he’d buried his thick length inside of her just to still, relishing in the feeling of their joining. 

She added another finger, shifting her hips lightly, breathing in short, sharp breaths. What she wouldn’t give to have him over her right now, to have him burying himself into her, to hear the sound of their skin smacking together as he filled her repeatedly.

Just like they had on the presidium, after Saren and the Citadel, in her Spectre-issued apartment. She was prodding herself in earnest now, remembering those few glorious days they had spent like teenagers, unable to get their fill of one another, each of them waking one another in the dead of night just to have their way again. 

Bringing her other hand down, she reached for her swollen clitoris, rolling it easily between her fingers. A low moan danced through her lips, a fresh surge of wetness pooling between her thighs, her skin sticky and the smell of her arousal covering her senses.

God, he’d loved tasting her. She remembered the sight of his face between her thighs, tongue buried inside of her, his eyes gazing at her own with an insatiable hunger, like there was nowhere else he’d rather be. He’d pulled orgasms from her like a man starved, with one always leading to another, always pushing for one more. He’d wait until his cock was rock hard and swollen, ready to burst at any moment, before he would finally, gloriously, sink himself into her, losing himself in her slick wetness.

She rubbed her swollen nub in earnest, now, moans pouring freely from her mouth. She missed his cock, she really did. It had fit so snugly in her palm, stretched her walls where, in moments where he would fuck her relentlessly, her crying his name out into the sheets, she felt full to the point of bursting. It had been addicting, the feeling of him moving inside of her. 

She’d never felt that way about anyone before.

A sudden wash of loneliness ran over her, making her stutter her movements. Determined, she tightened her eyes, pushing past that brief moment of pain – there’d be time for that later – thinking, instead, about the delicious sounds he would make. 

He made so many different sounds of pleasure, all of them unique, each unabashedly telling her how good she had made him feel. She remembered the first time she had slid his cock into her mouth, the disbelieving groan that had poured readily from his swollen lips. Or when she would push him back onto the bed, ride him mercilessly until he was shaking, hands gripping her waist almost painfully as he’d come with a hoarse shout, yelling her name out in a strangled voice across her room.

She’d loved making him feel good. It had always satisfied her in a way, not just because it was arousing to watch in and of itself – and was it ever arousing, she remembered with a loud sigh, envisioning the way he would shudder underneath her as he came undone – but because she always got the distinct feeling that he had never been taken care of like that before. 

She was close. Panting, now, she rubbed at herself in earnest, pulling her knees up to widen across her bed, her fingers dipping into her entrance relentlessly.

She remembered the look in his eyes, the one he gave her when he’d be close to finishing. It was always a little desperate, always full of more emotion than they were ever able to put into words. His eyes would dance with flecks of blue, shimmering with gratitude and pleasure and something else, something warm and appreciative that made her heart clench tight. 

And when he’d come – she moaned loudly, toes curling, itching to finish. She was right on the edge. Squeezing her eyes tight, she concentrated, remembering.

She remembered the flare of blue that would ripple over his skin; hers, too, the static humming pleasantly over her body. He would gasp her name, burying his face into her neck, driving his hips as deeply as he could. She remembered the feeling of every pulse that ran through him, the husky groans of release he would play in her ear as he emptied himself in her, completely spent.

She cried out sharply – _there_ – coming undone under her own ministrations. A sharp tendril of pleasure snapped down her spine, caused her knees to fold in over hands as she moaned into the empty room, panting breathlessly.

As quick as her release had come, it was gone again – and in its place, a sudden wash of loneliness replaced it. Her heart hammering, it took Shepard a few moments to realize she had been crying. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes, her pillow damp on either side of her head.

She missed him so much. She hadn’t allowed herself to indulge in that reality – there had been so much to do, from the moment she had awoken, she’d barely had time to think – but she had time now, and she wished more than ever that he was here with her. Kaidan had always had this way about him, able to bring a peace and calmness that was always missing from her.

She’d loved him. She still did. And he had loved her, too, he’d said as much on Horizon – but did he still care anymore? The last line of his letter ran through her mind, like it had a thousand times before: _‘when things have settled down a little, maybe…’_

Maybe. There he’d gone again, leaving himself a way out. It made her smile, if a little sadly.

Crawling under her sheets with a resolute sigh, she buried herself into her covers, falling into a restless sleep. She dreamt of him, of the sound of his voice, trying to imagine him lying next to her. She pictured how it might feel if he was there with her, the feel of his arms around her, the smell of his skin, thinking about how this bed was too big and too empty for just her.

Maybe. Maybe, one day, they would have that shot again.

Until then – she’d fight like hell to keep him safe. Whether he knew it, or not.


	35. Entry 17: Unread Message At Your Private Terminal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2185  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-2  
>  **Codex** : _“I saw the look in his eyes, Commander. He was afraid. And I knew right then, that whatever was between you two, hadn’t been the same old military dalliance that I’ve seen a hundred times before.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

“Commander, you have unread messages at your private terminal.”

Yeoman Chamber’s cheerful voice greeted her the moment she stepped foot off the elevator. Shepard couldn’t help but wince slightly at the shrill sound. She’d barely slept the night before – how could she, after everything that they’d seen yesterday?

“Thank you, Ms. Chambers.” She said politely, standing at the foot of the CIC and staring out blankly. She wasn’t ready for this yet. She needed coffee. She needed something, anything to keep her mind off things.

Ignoring the blinking at her terminal, she instead turned and headed back to the elevator with a sigh, punching for the crew deck and rubbing blearily at her eyes. Coffee would help, at least until her body would let her nap.

The morning crew was already hard at work, so the mess was relatively empty, the rush for breakfast already having transpired. Gratefully, there was still a half-pot of coffee left, and she eagerly poured herself a cup, stirring in the cream and sugar mindlessly.

“You look exhausted, Commander. I hope you don’t take offense to that.”

Chakwas’ voice came from behind her, and she turned with a weary smile.

“I can’t take offense if it’s true. Come to join me for a cup?”

Chakwas smirked at her and stuck out her mug in silent question, to which Shepard drained the last of the pot into dutifully. “Why don’t you come into my office for a minute. Something tells me you could use a minute or two to relax.”

“That sounds nice, actually.”

She followed Chakwas into the medbay, the door swishing shut behind them. It was silent in here, additional care taken in the Normandy’s design to provide silence for any suffering patients. Bemusedly, Shepard pondered that she could count herself among them in her current state. She sat wearily into a chair, every muscle aching, her eyes feeling bloodshot from lack of sleep.

“We haven’t had a chance to talk, recently. I know how busy you’ve been, and I hadn’t wanted to bother you right away.” Chakwas took a sip gratefully, closing her eyes with a contented sigh before continuing. “But I can see how worn you look, Shepard. I’m worried you’re overdoing it.”

“I probably am, Doctor.” She agreed with a shrug. “But it’s the only way I know how to keep my mind off things – working hard, keeping my head down. And after yesterday…”

“Garrus told me while I patched up that face of his. He managed to reopen the wound during your run-in on their ship. That must have been traumatizing, to say the least.”

“Yeah. It’s hard to put into words, that’s for sure.” Shepard was silent, remembering the pods. Hundreds of thousands of pods, dotted along the ceiling of the Collector ship, in just one of what could have easily been hundreds of caverns deep. It made her stomach sick just thinking about it. It was no wonder she hadn’t been able to sleep – how could she, when they were still out there? When more people would be harvested, the longer she waited around?

“I also heard something curious. Joker told me last night, I found it particularly disturbing.” Chakwas eyed her, a vulnerable expression on her face. “That that was the same ship that attacked us, two years ago.”

Shepard nodded. “Yeah. It was.”

“Son of a bitch.” Chakwas mused. “That was a terrible day, in more ways than one. That only reaffirms to me, Shepard, that I’m here doing the right thing. We all are. These bastards need to be stopped. I’m just happy you made it out in one piece, this time.”

“Thanks, Doctor. I am too. I’d like to live the rest of my life without any more gaps. Losing two years has been hard enough as it is.” She looked down to the floor, shoulders slumped. She’d lost a lot more than time, and she knew it.

Chakwas put her cup down, placing a hand on her knee gently. “Shepard, there’s something else I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. Like I said, I just didn’t know when the right time was. But after what happened yesterday – well, I think there’s no better time than the present. We really don’t know which day will be our last. And I think your lack of sleep might be attributed to more than just the Collectors, these days.”

“You can talk to me about anything, Karin. Anytime.” She swallowed another sip, relishing in the warmth the liquid bestowed deep in her belly. “I’ll take all the friends that I can. I don’t have many left, I think.”

Chakwas smiled sadly at her.

“Well, Commander, I’ve been wanting to ask you about Horizon. Rather, about Kaidan.”

She blinked, surprised. His name was never far from her mind, not really. But it jarred her to hear someone else say it. It made the pain of him more real. She tried to keep her tone neutral. 

“What about?”

“Well, forgive me for being presumptuous at all. I just – I had my suspicions, Shepard. You don’t serve aboard frigates for as long as I have without picking up on these sorts of things.” Chakwas sat back in her seat, looking out the window thoughtfully. “I will say though, you were much better at hiding it than he was. He tried his best to be discrete, but Kaidan always did have trouble keeping his emotions in check. That man feels too much, _cares_ too much, sometimes. It was very sweet, really.”

“You’re talking about – about our relationship.” She said slowly, only mildly surprised.

“Yes.” Chakwas confirmed, nodding. She paused for a long moment, as though deliberating with herself on what she wanted to say next. “I was with him, on the escape pod. He got everyone out; everyone that was still alive, that is. And I watched him when we landed, tearing through every pod, looking up at the sky, waiting for you to arrive. And when you never did, well…”

Chakwas trailed off, sighing heavily, a weary look on her face. Shepard was still, so silent that she could hear her blood pounding in her ears.

“I saw the look in his eyes, Commander. He was afraid. And I knew right then, that whatever was between you two, hadn’t been the same old military dalliance that I’ve seen a hundred times before. That man loved you, so much it damn well broke his heart. He didn’t to stop looking for you, stayed up for two days straight searching. He refused to believe it.”

Chakwas met her eyes, chewing her lip thoughtfully. “Then that was it. He was silent, just buried it down and stopped talking about it altogether once he realized that there was no way for us to help you. I saw him again, briefly, at your funeral. I wanted to reach out to him, but I didn’t know what to say. He left shortly after, on a series of classified missions. I haven’t seen him since, but I always wondered…I always wondered how he was doing. He was such a kind man, sensitive and thoughtful and _good_. Not very often you see that in the marine corps.”

Shepard clutched her coffee mug tightly, her breathing stopped. It hurt her just to think about him like that, imagining him searching for her, desperately, only to find nothing. Her eyes glossed over, and she blinked it away, stubbornly.

“I – I’m sorry, Shepard. I’m not trying to make you feel worse. I just wanted to let you know how much he cared for you, is all. So when I heard that he had been on Horizon with you a few days ago –”

“He’s alright, Doctor. At least, he looked that way.” Her voice came out tighter than she wanted, and she looked away, trying to regain her composure. “He’s been promoted. Staff Commander. But he – well, he didn’t take too kindly to my working with Cerberus. It hasn’t…well, it hasn’t been easy.”

Chakwas was silent, staring at her softly. “No, I imagine he wouldn’t. But you’re really trying to tell me that he wasn’t in some way happy to see you?”

“He – he was. I think. But he’s – he’s so angry, Karin.” She inhaled sharply, closing her eyes, remembering. “I’m sorry. It’s been a lot to take in for me, the past few weeks. The Collector ship was just icing on the cake. I’m trying to hold it together, but…it really hurt. I can’t imagine what he went through, when I died. But I feel so confused. I just woke up a few _weeks_ ago, Karin. The Normandy just went down weeks ago; to me at least. And when I woke up, everything was different. The people, the places, the relationships I had built – they’d all changed. But to him, _I’m_ the one who’s changed.”

Chakwas leant forward, pulling her swiftly into her arms. It felt nice, she realized, to be held by someone she trusted. She needed it. So she burrowed into the embrace, closing her eyes wearily against Chakwas’ shoulder. “You still care for him.” Karin said softly, plainly, and she nodded.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learnt on this job, Shepard, it’s to keep those you care about close to you.” They pulled back, and Chakwas slipped her hand reassuringly over Shepard’s tightly. “I know right now that seems an impossible task. And while I didn’t know Kaidan as well as you did, I saw a grief in him that I’ve rarely seen before, in all my years of service. He’s a good man. A stubborn man, but a good man. It took me a long time to come around to this idea of working with Cerberus. It will likely take him even longer to even consider that the work we’re doing here is good. But when he does…”

Chakwas smiled at her, her eyes bright.

“When he does, Shepard, he’ll find a way back to you. You may have to help him out a bit – the man has more integrity than the entire second fleet put together – but he just needs to see that this really is _you_. That you haven’t changed. That you still care. People who have their hearts broken like that don’t ever really forget it. And he may surprise you sooner than later, once he’s had time to process the possibility that you really are back.”

She smiled at that, the ever-present weariness in her bones dissipating slightly. They stayed like that for a few long moments, hands still clasped tightly, content in the silence of the medbay.

“Thank you, Karin. I really needed that. I really needed a friend.” She drained the last of her cup, standing and dusting her suit off. “And – thank you for sharing that story with me. It means a lot to me, to know that.”

“Of course, Shepard. You of all people deserve to be happy. I can think of no one else I’d be willing to ditch the Alliance for than a woman of such fine morality such as yourself. Don’t you ever forget that.” Chakwas nodded to her, smiling warmly, to which she returned eagerly.

She turned once more, empty cup in hand. She finally felt ready to tackle this day.

/////

The ever-present blinking at her terminal was still waiting for her when the elevator doors slid open on the CIC. She greeted Chambers, again, with more warmth than previously, and took her position at her computer.

When the screen unlocked, she blinked. There had to be a mistake.

_About Horizon  
from: Kaidan Alenko_

_Shepard,_

_I’m sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy…_

She read his letter once, twice, three times for good measure. She felt warm, suddenly, reassured in a way she hadn’t felt since she’d woken up those weeks ago. Chakwas had been right. Hell, _Garrus_ had been right. That first night when they’d returned from Horizon, they’d gotten rip-roaring drunk together, and he’d said as much as the doctor had.

Most of all, _she_ was right. Right to have cared for him the way she had. The way she still did, if she were honest.

She didn’t notice the elevator doors opening behind her, was still transfixed at the screen before her. So she started when Garrus clasped a hand on her shoulder roughly, breaking her reverie.

“Shepard, how you – oh.” He paused, noticing the smile on her face. “Well, you look awfully perky this morning. What’s your secret?”

“You were right, Vakarian.” She said with a smirk, and his eyes flitted to the screen momentarily. When he saw the sender’s name, he tossed his head back and laughed.

“Well, feel free to repeat that as many times as you want, Shepard. I’ll never get tired of hearing it.”

She smiled the rest of the day, her resolve emboldened. She quite suddenly felt like she had something to fight for again.


	36. Entry 16: Confronting Anderson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2185  
>  **Location** : Human Embassy / Citadel / Widow System / Serpent Nebula / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“He closed his eyes shut, tightly, trying not to picture it. While he’d been here, mourning her, her body had been hooked up to machines, poked and prodded and alone. She’d woken up alone.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

It took three weeks to get back to the Citadel.

Once the Collectors had left, he’d spent the first week compiling a missing persons report – over half the colony had been abducted. Over three hundred thousand people, gone – that had hurt.

And yet, they were also the first colony to not get wiped out entirely. That was a victory, however small.

It also brought on a certain sort of satisfaction to know that the defense towers that he had worked so damn hard on to get working ultimately ended up being used to drive the Collectors away. Granted, it was Shepard who had somehow managed to do that, but nevertheless it had shut Delan’s grumblings about them pretty damn quick.

That satisfaction had been brief in light of all the good people who had been taken. Including Lilith, one of the few colonists who had actually treated him kindly. He couldn’t stop to think about that. Where was she now? Where were all of them? What did the Collector’s even _want_ with them? Those questions put an uneasy feeling in his stomach – whatever it was, it couldn’t be good. 

He hoped that their deaths were quick.

He’d helped the remaining leaders put together a survival plan – that part had been easy. The Collector’s took humans, not items. Everything was exactly in the place it had been before the attack, and the swarms they’d used to paralyze them solid hadn’t touched anything but human flesh.

In other words, crops and vegetation were completely intact. If it weren’t for the occasional spot of blood left over from Shepard’s ambush on the Collector’s, it would have felt merely as though half the colony had decided to go on an extended vacation.

Almost.

He’d spent another week coordinating reports with the Alliance and requesting pickup. Anderson had requested the essential information – once he’d learnt that Shepard had been there, and that Kaidan had spoken with her personally, he’d set his mouth in a hard line that Kaidan had only seen once before.

The last time that had happened, Udina had been punched in the face shortly thereafter. Sufficed to say, Kaidan knew Anderson either wasn’t pleased or was strongly biting his tongue.

Anderson had ordered him back home, sending a Citadel cruiser to ship him out personally, one he was all too happy to take. Memories from this colony hadn’t been wonderful to begin with, but after seeing Jane –

No. _Shepard._ He still wasn’t certain that it was Jane. At least, not yet. He needed answers from Anderson, first.

The trip back in the cruiser had taken just shy of another week – the Terminus systems were crawling with slavers and pirates, especially amidst colony attacks, wherein the remnants of entire cities would be clean for the picking. It made Kaidan sick just thinking about it.

But being back on an Alliance cruiser meant being back in touch with the Alliance News Network, something he had avidly been avoiding ever since Alchera. And quite suddenly, it felt as though nothing had changed – Shepard was all over the news, _again_ , only this time her coverage was less than kind.

Whereas before, she had been a hero, now she was painted as a traitor to Cerberus. So the reports said, anyway. And yet he found he couldn’t quite tear his eyes away when Shepard had agreed to an impromptu interview by al-Jilani – he remembered the reporter, suddenly, and how she had ambushed them on the Citadel two years ago. It would appear her tactics were the same now: the Shepard she spoke to on camera had the same surprised expression on her face as she had those years ago, the bewildered look giving way to that of wary skepticism.

He'd watched, unable to tear his eyes away, as she’d promptly cut Al-Jilani off, citing instead the names of all eight cruisers that went down during the Battle of the Citadel. They were the same names he’d recited to memory, too. After all, he’d agreed with Shepard’s decision to save the council – and those cruisers paid the price as a result.

_Cairo. Cape Town. Emden. Jakarta. Madrid. Seoul. Shenyang. Warsaw._

For that brief moment, watching the hard determination in her eyes (such a familiar shade of green – could it really be her?), seeing the stubborn determination on her face – it felt like a brief mirage, a tiny moment of Jane peeking through the surface.

He had to find out. He had to speak with Anderson and figure out what the hell was going on.

/////

“Alenko. Glad to see you made it out alive. That’s the first time we’ve been able to say that about a colony attack. I can’t begin to tell you how relieved I am to –”

“Is that really Shepard?” Kaidan had stormed into Anderson’s office, three weeks of carefully constructed questions and well-thought out words going straight out of the figurative airlock when he finally came face-to-face with the man.

Anderson sighed.

“Was that her? How is this even possible? Why wasn’t I told about this? You don’t think I had a right to know that the Commander I fought to hell and back with, the Commander that I watched _die_ , that I grieved over for two damn years –”

“ _Enough_ , Alenko.”

Anderson put his hand up, eyeing him with a hard expression. It was enough to quell the anger that was bubbling up from his throat, enough to remind him that he was, still, a Staff Commander, and that he was speaking not only to a superior officer, but the Human Councilor no less.

He swallowed, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“I – I’m sorry, sir. I just – it’s been a tough few weeks.”

Anderson stared at him, as though waiting to see if he would crack again. When he didn’t, he put his hand down and smiled wearily at him. “I can imagine. And I know you have a lot of questions, Alenko; questions that you deserve answers to.”

He sighed, turning to walk his way over the balcony that overlooked the presidium. Kaidan followed him hesitantly, resting on his elbows and looking out, same as Anderson. Waiting.

“Feels like déjà vu. Not two months ago, Shepard was here asking the same questions about you.”

Kaidan stilled. “She – asked about me, sir? You’ve seen her?”

“Yes, I’ve seen her. The whole Council has seen her. She was reinstated her Spectre status, not without certain limitations, of course.” Anderson paused, looking at him from the corner of his eye. “I’m sharing this with you on a strictly confidential manner, Alenko. I trust you won’t say a word of this to anyone. The only reason I’m telling you this much is because you’ve already spoken with her. That, and that no-good reporter Al-Jilani has already managed to scoop an interview with her. There’s no good in me keeping it from you any longer.”

“I understand, sir. I – well, there wouldn’t be anyone I’d want to tell, anyway.”

“Good.” He sighed again, watching the fountains in the distance with disinterest. “I know why you’re upset with me, Alenko, but quite frankly I can’t help but be a little surprised. You’re intelligent, more so than most. I’d have thought you’d already figured out why I couldn’t talk to you about Shepard.”

“…is it because of who she works for, now, sir?” He asked, his voice low.

“Precisely. Although, I would like to make a distinction here, Alenko. It’s one that Shepard herself is keen on making clear: she isn’t working for Cerberus. Not exactly. She’s merely using the resources they’ve offered her, resources that the Alliance can’t afford and the Council refuses to give.”

Kaidan blinked.

“So…you don’t think she’s working _amiably_ with Cerberus, then, sir.”

“No, Alenko, I do not. And quite frankly, neither should you. She’s been sending me mission reports every step of the way.” He stepped back, frowning slightly. “She may be working under Cerberus’ monetary funding, but her goal is the same as mine: to stop these attacks. I can’t support her working with Cerberus, not after all the shit they’ve been pulling all these years. But I can support Shepard. I can support her mission.”

“But, how…how is she even – I watched her die, sir. Maybe not right in front of me. But I watched her life support signals go red. I watched as she never arrived on Alchera. Forgive me, but…this doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know son. It didn’t make sense to me, either. Hell, it still doesn’t. But Shepard doesn’t even know herself.” He frowned again, shaking his head. “By her own report, she just – woke up one day, not too long ago. Said she’d been medically comatose for two damn years, locked in some Cerberus lab being pieced back together. Sounds nasty as hell, if you ask me. I don’t know how they could even do it. But Cerberus has surprised me before. The kinds of experiments they must have done to make this even possible – well. I don’t even want to think about it.”

Kaidan was digging his hands so hard into the balcony, his fingertips went white. He closed his eyes shut, tightly, trying not to picture it. While he’d been here, mourning her, her body had been hooked up to machines, poked and prodded and alone.

She’d woken up alone.

_Damn it._

“Why…why is Cerberus helping her, sir? Surely they must know that she’s in communication with you. With the Alliance.”

“Oh, I’m certain they do. I doubt the Illusive Man is all too concerned about that, however. He’s made her affiliation with Cerberus clear. This puts tensions high on Shepard’s relationship with the Alliance out of principle. He knows she has her hands tied. He knows she won’t be able to parade too closely with the Alliance until their partnership is finished.” 

Anderson made a grim expression, then continued. 

“But in this circumstance, for once, Cerberus’ interests align with the Alliance’s. With all of humanity, really: they want these attacks stopped. Our methods about ending them are vastly different, to be sure, but the end goal is the same. And quite frankly, I can think of no one else I’d prefer at the helm than Shepard. She’s tough, she’s quick on her feet, and unlike the rest of Cerberus she has her compassion intact. She’s our best hope of ending this thing. I’m just trying my best not to let them drag her name through the mud in the process.”

Kaidan was quiet for a long moment. He suddenly felt overwhelmed with guilt. If this were true, then what he’d said to her on Horizon – he felt sick. Could it really be her? If that were the case, she would have just woken up a few weeks ago, confused and disoriented. She had asked Anderson about him – had she tried to get in contact with him? Anderson wouldn’t have allowed it, not while he was on Horizon. His omni-tool receiver had been set to classified. He wouldn’t have been able to risk letting Cerberus know of his location or their mission.

Especially since his mission had been to investigate Cerberus’ own ties to these attacks. He’d been so angry at her. Maybe, just maybe…his anger had been misplaced.

“She – you mentioned she asked about me, sir?” He tried to make his voice flat, to hide the burning curiosity that lingered there. Anderson eyed him, as though looking for something.

“She did. I’m sorry that I couldn’t put you in contact with her, or vice versa. In hindsight, I’m sure you understand why I did that. It wasn’t easy, Alenko. But yes, she asked to get in contact with you. I’m sure she was eager to see a friendly face. I can’t imagine what it’s like, waking up to find two years has passed. I can only imagine how confused she must feel.”

“Hmm.” Kaidan looked to his feet, contemplating.

“How was she, Commander?” Anderson asked, his voice soft.

“How was she, sir?”

“How did she look? To you, I mean. I worry about her, is all. She’s woken up between a rock and a hard place. She has a Council that doesn’t even believe that the Reapers are a real threat, or that they even exist. She has an Alliance that can’t speak with her. She’s on a dangerous mission, working with god only knows who. I’m doing my best, Alenko. I’m mediating between her, the Council, and the Alliance. Trying to keep her mission on the forefront of everyone’s minds, instead of her affiliation.”

Kaidan was quiet for a long while, looking out at the presidium down below. He saw the krogan statue, saw the fountains overflowing. Remembered all the times he’d walked those floors with Jane and Ashley at his side, joking and laughing at the exorbitance of it all. If only they’d known, then, how easy those times would come to be reflected on.

“She looked – ready, sir. Determined. She looked...like Shepard.”

“Good.” He nodded, turning back to his desk. “I hope you can forgive me, Alenko. I know you’re disappointed I didn’t talk to you about this sooner. I realize you have a personal investment in this, having served with her as you did, but –”

“I understand, sir. And I apologize. For my outburst, it was unprofessional.” He said meekly, meeting his eyes with his jaw set. Anderson nodded in understanding.

“I’ve lost people I’ve cared about too, in my day. I understand.” Anderson sat wearily, then gestured to him. “Is there…anything else I can do for you, Alenko?”

“No, sir. This was more than enough. Thank you, for the information. It will be kept private.”

“I appreciate that, Commander.”

Kaidan nodded furtively, then headed for the door. He felt as though his head were going to burst, he had so many thoughts ruminating inside of him.

Mostly, he felt like a giant ass.

As he made his way back to his quarters, he was already envisioning the words he needed to send to her. He needed to apologize, he needed to let her know that he still cared. He needed her to be safe.

He didn’t quite trust her ties with Cerberus. Not yet, anyway. He still had so many questions. But maybe, just maybe…later, when things settled down…

/////

That night, he dreamt of Ilos. 


	37. Entry 15: Stubborn Alliance Jerks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2185  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-2  
>  **Codex** : _“Well, Shepard. This one is to big alliance jerks. Especially biotics with dark hair and, uh, what is that saying you humans have? Puppy eyes? Isn’t that a type of canine? I never understood that.” Her lips quirked slightly at the end. “Well, especially those ones. They’re all a bunch of jerks.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: mild language]

The ride back to the Normandy was silent. Not of a quiet variety, either; the air was thick with questions that neither he nor Miranda dared to ask. 

Not yet, anyway. 

Shepard was looking out the window with an empty expression, jaw set and fingers tight on her assault rifle. Miranda was eyeing her with unease, and when she opened her mouth as though to speak, Garrus sent her an almost imperceptible glare that clearly warned, _“don’t ask.”_ It was enough to have her purse her lips together and cross her arms in hushed frustration.

The shuttle eased aboard, waking Shepard from her reverie. As the engines powered off, she stood up silently, avoiding both of their eyes as she stepped out and headed for the elevator without a word.

“She should be happy. We just stopped a damn Collector attack, that’s the closest anyone has ever gotten to those bastards.” Miranda huffed irritably as she stepped into the shuttle bay.

“Don’t you realize who that was? Or did your files conveniently forget to mention him?” Garrus grumbled at her, frustrated with her evident lack of concern. For all the effort that Miranda had put into bringing Shepard back, she seemed to care only for her physical performance in lieu of her mental health.

“Kaidan Alenko, former Staff Lieutenant aboard the Normandy SR-1. Alenko is an L2 biotic, and one of the few to mature without suffering from any serious health complications that are commonly associated with that outdated implant model. He also has one of the highest biotic energy output levels ever recorded amongst all humans, across all amp categories. He was with Shepard during Saren’s attack on the Citadel, as were you, and is currently being groomed by the Alliance for potential admiralty positions due to his strong leadership capabilities.” Miranda crossed her arms with a knowing smirk, raising an eyebrow at him. “He also served under Shepard in more ways than one so, _yes_ , Garrus, I know exactly who he is.”

“Then I’d think you would know _why_ Shepard is upset at the moment.”

“No. I don’t. We came to Horizon to intercept a suspected Collector attack, a mission we succeeded at.” Her words were calm and calculated, her tone belaying annoyance as she jammed her finger angrily at the elevator button. “If Alenko doesn’t want to congratulate us on our victory, then that’s his loss.”

“Sure, maybe I agree with you that Kaidan is being short-sighted here. He’s seeing Cerberus, not the big picture of what we’ve accomplished today. But that isn’t the point. The point is that what happened down there has very negatively impacted Shepard, on a personal level.” Garrus flared his mandibles in frustration. “You’d think you’d be a bit more sympathetic to a woman who just had her heart broken back there.”

“She’s fine. She’s _Shepard_. She’ll get over it, Garrus, because she has to. There are bigger things at stake here than hurt feelings over a former lover.” The elevator doors slid open, and the two of them clambered inside. Miranda pressed for the crew deck with a huff.

“Kaidan and Shepard weren’t separated by choice, she _died_ and he witnessed it.” Garrus grumbled angrily, his mandibles flashing again. “How was he supposed to feel, seeing her alive and working for the enemy we fought against two years ago? How was _she_ supposed to feel, being accused by the man she loves of all the things she questions herself over, every day, as she continues to work with you and the Illusive Man?”

“My job, Garrus, is make sure that Shepard does her job.” Miranda eyed him critically, eyes flashing. “The semantics of her relationship with Alenko are not my concern. She knows what we’re fighting for. If you’re so concerned about her, why don’t _you_ go talk to her about it then. Make her see reason, for the love of god.”

“Look. I’m here, on this ship, working with Cerberus. But I’m not here for you, I’m here for Shepard. I’m here to watch out for her, I’m here as her friend. I’m here because she _needs_ a friend.” The elevator slowed and stopped. Miranda briskly headed for her office, Garrus hot on her heels. “As appreciative as I and the galaxy are on you bringing her back, I think you forget sometimes that she isn’t just a project anymore. She’s human, she has emotions. You can’t expect her to work through this like any other job or she will break!”

Miranda punched her access code into her omni-stool, a silent but stormy look on her face. When her office doors slid open and she stepped inside, he finally fell short, staring down at her with frustration from her doorway.

“I… _know_ she is not a project. I was there every step of the way as she breathed her way back from corpse to human.” She spoke lowly over her shoulder, back to him. “I will…consider taking her emotions into account from now on. But if you’re so concerned for her well-being, then I suggest you talk to her. Empathy is not a job I’m well-suited for.”

“You don’t have to be. You have _me_. Just don’t forget that the next time you see Shepard like that, instead of leaving her in the dark to rot.”

The doors slid shut with a hiss.

/////

He found her at the bar. Well, at the only bar that the Normandy offered, formally known as the port observation deck. She was slouched over the counter, still in her armor, an almost-empty drink in her hand. Garrus watched silently for a moment as she grimly swallowed the remaining contents, wasting no time in reaching for the whisky bottle only to fill it up again. His heart sunk a bit at the sight.

The last time he’d seen her like this was when Ashley died. Shit.

Wordlessly he walked up to the display case, grabbed the biggest bottle of Turian brandy he could get his claws around, and filled the largest glass he could find to the rim. She hadn’t acknowledged him yet, merely eyed him blankly as he rose the liquid to his lips and took a large swig.

“Well, Shepard. This one is to big alliance jerks. Especially biotics with dark hair and, uh, what is that saying you humans have? Puppy eyes? Isn’t that a type of canine? I never understood that.” Her lips quirked slightly at the end. “Well, especially _those_ ones. They’re all a bunch of jerks.”

“I appreciate the effort, Garrus, but…I think I need to be alone.” Her voice came out somber, a sad sigh escaping her as she took another swig.

“Nonsense. You think you can get rid of me that easily? It’s not every day an old washed-up C-Sec officer such as myself has the opportunity to get wasted on a starship. I am taking advantage of this and of all the credits that Cerberus has invested into the ample amounts of dextro-liquor they have supplied us with.”

She chuckled at that, rolling her eyes half-heartedly. “I’m a bit busy thinking about alliance jerks to be the life of the party at the moment.”

“Then allow me the honor.” He took another swig, and another, feeling the burn as the amber liquid made its familiar way down his throat. “This next one is to Cerberus, for not even having the courtesy of letting you _die_ in peace. I mean, just think about that, Shepard. Not even your dead body was warranted any escape from them, the bastards.”

She snorted into her glass, raising it with a _“hear, hear!”_ He was making progress. They chugged back their next sips, her eyes already coming alight with mirth.

“This one is for having Turian friends, who encourage heavy drinking as a means of forgetting all the shit that life has thrown our way. And life has thrown us a _lot_ of shit, Shepard. At least _you_ haven’t had half of your face blown off.”

She chugged another swallow, before eagerly cracking back. “Hey, I _died_ , Vakarian. I think I still beat you.”

“Yeah, yeah, you died, big deal. That just shows the unfairness of it all. You died and came back looking brand new. I get my face blown off and the best I get is a bandage to help hold it all together.”

She smiled then, a real smile, before taking another large swallow. “What’s the next one for?”

He eyed her, meeting her inquisitive gaze head on. She looked so small to him then, so vulnerable. It made him want to punch Alenko right in his puppy-eyed face, but that would only hurt her too.

“This one…is for you and me. There is no Shepard without Vakarian, after all. And we did manage to save half a colony from the Collectors today. I would say that that was a very successful day in our books.”

“A day to remember, for sure.” She said with a twisted smile, but her eyes warmed at him nonetheless. They sat in silence for awhile, sipping casually, allowing the alcohol to buzz pleasantly through their systems. She was deep in thought, and he made sure to top her glass each time it hit the bottom.

“Thanks, Garrus. I needed…well, I needed a friend after today. So thank you.” She said quietly, gazing out the window.

“Anytime, Shepard. If ever a woman breaks my heart like that, I hope you know that I expect you to show up at the bar to join me, too. And not even when I get my heart broken. For mundane things too, like when we save the galaxy from the Collectors and destroy the Reapers for good. You know, typical Monday things.”

She laughed loudly at that. “We do live pretty fucked up lives, don’t we, Vakarian.”

“Ah, if it isn’t at least a little bit fucked up, it’s just plain boring.”

She hummed in agreement, turning her eyes back to him. “Can I ask you something? Seriously, this time?”

“What kind of best friend would I be if I didn’t listen to serious, too.”

“Do you…” Her voice trailed off uncertainly, as though struggling to determine exactly what she was asking. “Do you think he hates me, Garrus?”

He laughed at that, evidently a little bit too loudly if his understanding of human facial expressions was correct. Her eyebrows shot up bewilderedly and he hastened to explain himself. “Quite the opposite, Shepard. I think Kaidan’s display today showed that, if anything, he’s as hopelessly in love with you as ever.”

“But, Garrus…I hurt him, so badly today. He was so _angry_. I didn’t even have a chance to explain myself, he just…shut me out.”

“He shut you out, Shepard, because he cares. If he didn’t care for you, he wouldn’t have been angry. If he didn’t care for you, he would have high-fived us on our little rescue mission and the three of us would be having a drink right now.” Garrus raised his glass and took a sharp swallow at that. “But no, instead, he shut you out because that’s exactly what Kaidan would do if he thought for even one second that you weren’t the same Shepard you were two years ago.”

She eyed him apprehensively, and he sighed.

“Would he really be _Kaidan_ if he didn’t question your intentions? Don’t get me wrong, I was tempted to shoot a hole in his damn foot for the accusations he made today, but I understand where he’s coming from.” She rolled her eyes at his threat, a small grin threatening to break past her lips. “The fact is, Kaidan loved you so much, Shepard, that he would be willing to turn you away if there was even the slightest chance that you were anything less than the woman he fell in love with two years ago.”

“But…who else could I be, Garrus? It’s me, how could he not even give me a chance to explain what’s happened to me? I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t ask for any of this!” She ran a hand through her hair with frustration, the emotion high in her voice.

“I know you didn’t, but _he_ doesn’t. It’s not that he doesn’t trust you, it’s that he doesn’t trust Cerberus.” Garrus shrugged, sighing a little sadly. “He’s not wrong for feeling that way. But it’s Kaidan. We know him, you better than anyone. You _died_ , Shepard. You weren’t there to see the aftermath. To say he was a wreck would be an understatement, and I am _not_ saying that just to make you feel worse. I’m just being honest. The fact is, he buried you and he tried to move on. It just isn’t logical for a dead person to stroll back into your life, and Kaidan is nothing if not logical. This is a huge shock for him.”

“Yeah, well, it was a huge shock for me too, Garrus.” She grumbled into her cup, and he couldn’t help but chuckle back at her.

“Well, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, Shepard, but coming back from the dead isn’t exactly a common occurrence. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was convinced you’re nothing more than an evil clone created by Cerberus hellbent on killing us all.”

“An evil clone, Vakarian? Really?”

“Hey, I’m just saying. _You’re_ the one with feelings for one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met. And I’ve met a _lot_ of stubborn turians.” He topped up her glass, a buzzed smile on his face. “Look, once he believes that you really are the real you, he’ll be back. You just have to give him space to work through this on his own time.”

“…And if I do turn out to be nothing more than an evil clone?”

“Then look who’s laughing in end, but that stubborn alliance jerk whose life we saved today.”

Shepard looked at him then, eyes a little glassy from alcohol or unshed tears he wasn’t sure, but her smile was genuine. “He really is stubborn, isn’t he.”

“Stubborn, and madly in love with you. Now drink up, Shepard. We saved a lot of lives today. You deserve a break with a friend.”


	38. Entry 14: Lazarus Station

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2185  
>  **Location** : Lazarus Station  
>  **Codex** : _“The words bit at her tongue, and she forced her jaw shut to cooperate. Instead, a ‘where is my crew?’ sounded resolutely from her lips.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

Her chest felt like it was on fire, like she hadn’t had a sip of water in years.

She opened her eyes, but everything was fuzzy – was she on the Normandy? Did the ship land somewhere? What planet had they been hovering over, again? Why did these thoughts feel so hazy?

She clambered to sit upright, her head pounding and vision blurry. This didn’t look like the medbay – where was Chakwas? There were alarms, but she didn’t recognize them. There was a voice, calling her name, but she couldn’t make out who it was.

_“Shepard. Shepard, can you hear me?”_

Kaidan?

A few deep breaths, and the world righted itself. No – the voice was female. It was insistent, calling her from somewhere near her – a tool. An omni-tool, not her own, she recognized futilely. But a tool nonetheless. She jammed the receiver button.

“Where am I?” She called hoarsely, her voice scratchy. Her head was pounding.

_“Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of that bed now – this facility is under attack.”_

Her training shot her into action; despite her confusion, despite the weariness that she felt in every muscle, she did her best to place her feet on the floor and focus. Her crew needed her. And she needed them – where were they? Were they safe?

Images popped into her mind suddenly, making her feet stumble awkwardly against the floor. The Normandy – it was in flames. It was being torn apart. That planet – _Alchera_ , it had loomed out over her head, where the Normandy ceiling used to be. Joker had refused to abandon his post. But everyone else had gone to the escape pods…right? Kaidan had – _Kaidan._

She’d ordered Kaidan off the ship. Had he come back for her? Had he brought her here? Where even was here?

No, Kaidan would not never not follow orders. He was a good marine, the best. No matter how much it would have hurt him, she knew, he would have listened to her orders. So where was she?

She blinked. Out the window, there was – an attack. Whatever station she was on, the mass effect shields were being bombarded, bright spots of red lighting up the inky blackness of space. The voice had not been exaggerating.

She dragged herself to her feet, forcing herself to focus on the task at hand. If she made it out of this alive, she would have time for questions later. But for now – get the pistol. Make her way out.

It felt like a blur, like her feet were not her own. Her body felt weird, uncomfortable, as though she had woken from a long sleep. It worked, but it was jerky, her movements not fluid. What was wrong with her?

Where was her crew?

Her brain picked out tiny moments, encasing them to memory even though it felt like she was an observer in her own body. Vid reports, a woman named Operative Lawson. She had the same voice as the women who’d awoken her. Something about a _‘Project Lazarus’_. Her name, _Shepard_ , repeated like a mantra.

Cerberus logos were everywhere. _Cerberus?_ Was this a Cerberus facility? What was she doing here? Was Operative Lawson a part of Cerberus? If so, why were they helping her?

She stumbled into a man in the next room – a marine, young and fit but unrecognizable. She fought alongside him, focused but confused. He was in Cerberus gear, too, the logo blatantly emblazoned across his arm. Why would they help her? He seemed to know who she was, appeared relatively unsurprised to see her. How long had she been here?

He was a biotic. His skills were impressive, but lacked the finesse that Kaidan had. Kaidan’s movement had always been so…so fluid, like a dance, really. This man was jerky, exhilarated in his motions, impressed when his biotics had the biggest hit or the biggest distance.

Kaidan had always been a master of technique, aiming his attacks with precision and timing; carefully resting his targets in tactical positions of expertise, not grandiose. He would smile that tiny smile, the one he reserved just for her, when she’d tell him as such.

_Kaidan._

The man had a name, and it wasn’t Kaidan – it was Jacob. He knew of her, knew of the Normandy crew – but she didn’t dare ask about Kaidan. Not to a Cerberus agent, helping her or not. But he’d said something funny, something about years…two years, to be exact.

What did he mean by that? How could it have been two years? Alchera had just been yesterday, she could still feel the heat from the Normandy’s flames, the crushing silence of space looming around her –

_“Shepard, we need to get to the service shuttles. Miranda should be there.”_

Jacob’s voice cut into her thoughts and she shook her head, fighting off the urge to pass out. She felt in a daze, her vision cloudy – it was easier to turn her brain off for a moment, to put a pin in the million questions that threatened to bubble up and out of her mouth. So she followed Jacob along, helped a man named Wilson who was in distress, forced her aching body to appear more prepared than it actually felt when Miranda Lawson finally appeared, her entrance made by putting a hole through Wilson’s head.

She had questions and Miranda would have answers. Operative Lawson took her by surprise – she was cool and calculated, with no remorse or empathy in her expressions. Sexuality and confidence oozed from every part of her, but it struck Shepard as a weakness more than a strength. It told her that this woman relied on that to get her job done – not a bad tactic, but there was more to that story.

She’d save that thought as another pin.

When they finally got onto a shuttle, the space station falling to pieces behind them as they flew to safety, she forced herself to focus. She had questions, they had answers. For now, she would have to play nice.

She asked as many as she could, but saved the one she wanted to ask most of all to herself. They couldn’t know – they were Cerberus, and until she had a better understanding of what was going on, that particular question remained better with her.

_“Where is Kaidan Alenko?”_

The words bit at her tongue, and she forced her jaw shut to cooperate. Instead, a ‘where is my crew?’ sounded resolutely from her lips.

_“What happened to the Normandy?”_

_“What happened to me?”_

_“Why am I with Cerberus?”_

_“Where are we going?”_

It would take them another hour to get to – wherever they were going. To speak with the Illusive Man, Miranda said. She didn’t care. She was focused on the limited answers that they had provided for her.

_The Normandy went down over Alchera. This happened two years ago._

_I died in space, my O2 tank line ruptured. Cerberus got a hold of my body, spent two years keeping me alive and putting me back together._

_Cerberus has a mission for me, one they think only I can do. A mission they think I’d be interested in enough to agree to work with them._

_The station we left was called Lazarus Station. Named after the Lazarus Project, the assignment name for those who worked on keeping me alive. We are now heading to another Cerberus facility._

Two years? Did her crew even know that she was alive? Did the Alliance? What about the Reapers?

What about Kaidan? Thoughts of his smile entered her mind, the way he’d kissed her forehead when they’d woken up – hadn’t that been only yesterday?

...Did Kaidan even know she was alive?

She was silent the rest of the way, remembering.

/////

“Commander, where do you want our first official coordinates in the Normandy to be?”

Joker’s voice was ecstatic, excited even – she could understand why. By his account, the last two years hadn’t been kind to him. She was perched behind his chair, deep in thought.  
She’d tried and failed to have any access to the Alliance network – she was considered KIA, her access codes on full lockout.

The omni-tool that Cerberus provided had no contacts available that would be of help for her. If she believed the Illusive Man – a thought she didn’t even want to fathom – then these Collector attacks needed to be stopped. But she needed to be certain, first; to be told by someone she trusted that this was all really happening.

She needed to speak to the Alliance.

“Take us to the Citadel, Joker. I need to speak with Captain Anderson.”

He gave her a weary look, but smiled all the same. “Aye-aye, ma’am.”

Her question still burned at her tongue, threatening to bubble over at any moment. So she clenched her jaw shut, forced herself to the elevator, locked herself in her cabin until she could finally wrench the words from her throat to a person that she could trust enough to hear them.

_“Where is Kaidan Alenko?”_


	39. Entry 13: Jane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2183  
>  **Location** : Presidium / Citadel / Widow System / Serpent Nebula / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“What I need, sir, is to forget.” He said, his words clipping. He closed his eyes, running a hand over his head gingerly. A migraine would be coming along shortly. He tried not to think about the slender fingers that would work in his temples, easing him into a peaceful sleep. He wouldn’t get to feel those fingers ever again.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

It had been thirty-three days since he had last heard Shepard’s voice. Thirty-three days since he had last woken up to her pale creamy skin, her legs strewn haphazardly across the bed. Thirty-three days since she had ordered him off the Normandy and he’d watched, helplessly, as a pod with her in it never arrived on Alchera.

And yet, he heard her voice all the damn time. She was everywhere – on every Alliance channel, on every Citadel memorial advertisement, her name on the lips of every reporter that tried getting his attention enough to beg for an interview.

Her funeral had been a nightmare. He’d been too numb, too in shock from the hazy rush of events that he’d barely remembered any of it. Wasn’t he just kissing Jane? Wasn’t she just stroking her hands through his hair? Weren’t they just laughing in her bed, exchanging shy glances at one another in the CIC?

Then why was he at her funeral? Why were so many people with fancy titles speaking about her? They didn’t know her. They’d never even _met_ her. And they kept saying her name – Commander _Shepard_ , Spectre _Shepard_ , Savior of the Citadel _Shepard_ – but they weren’t saying her name at all.

_Jane!_ He’d wanted to scream at them, but his voice caught in his throat. _name is Jane. She has freckles on her shoulders, she sleeps diagonally across the bed, her favorite color is green, she has a smile that she reserves just for him, she closes her eyes when she finds something really funny. Jane, Jane_ Jane.

She _had_. Past tense. When did it become past tense?

This wasn’t her at all. It was empty, and cold, and a lie. She would have hated it. She was being remembered for nothing that she wanted, everything she wished she wouldn’t be. And everything was red – a sea of black with bright spots of ugly red, the very opposite of her eyes, the very opposite of life. Why were they speaking about her as though they knew her?

He remembered the rest of the Normandy crew – or who was left of it, really. They’d arrived, some in tears, some looking down at the floor. Joker had hidden his eyes beneath his ever-present cap. No one had made eye contact with him. Had they known? Could they tell how much he loved her? Had his stubborn refusal to believe her to be dead on Alchera been over the top? 

Had his reactions been that of a lieutenant losing his Commander, or had it been something more? He couldn’t be sure.

He remembered seeing Garrus, tucked away in the shadows, away from the crowds. He remembered the disgusted look on his face, the way he had stormed out of the ceremony less than halfway through. Could Garrus see it, too? See how wrong this was? Not one of the people on stage, speaking her story, had even known her. No one knew _Jane._

It was wrong. It was all wrong.

“Alenko? Was there something I could do for you?”

Anderson’s voice rang out, breaking his reverie. He blinked. His feet had led him here; how had he gotten here? He remembered getting up in the morning. Remembered seeing her face on the news again. Remembered leaving his cold military apartment, remembered walking past shop after shop, trying and failing not to hear her voice or her not-name ( _Jane, it’s Jane_ ) on every news channel, on every person’s lips, on every advertisement column on the Citadel.

He’d ended up outside of Captain Anderson’s office. Or, rather, Councilor Anderson. Jane had selected him as such. That was only a month ago – how was it even possible that she wasn’t here?

“Yes, sir. Sorry for the intrusion.” He finally said, his voice finally erupting from his throat. It sounded hoarse, dry and uneven from misuse. Anderson softened his eyes, noticing.

“Not at all, Lieutenant. I’m happy you came to see me. I wanted to see how you were holding up.” He gestured at the seat in front of his desk, to which he stepped forward to sink into gratefully. He was so tired. When was the last time he had had a good night’s sleep?

He already knew the answer to that. It was thirty-three days ago. With Jane.

“I’m…I’m alright, sir.” That was a lie. He was terrible. He was dead. He felt empty. This wasn’t real. If it was just a nightmare, why wasn’t he waking up? Anderson noticed the bluff, eyeing him wearily.

“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, son. I won’t pretend to understand what you must be going through. I’m still struggling to make sense of it, myself. And on top of it all…” Anderson sighed, rubbing a hand over his face wearily. “These reports coming in – it seems we never get a moment to grieve. The shit just keeps blowing in.”

“Reports, sir?” He asked.

“You mean you haven’t heard?” Anderson asked incredulously. Kaidan shook his head.

“I’ve been…avoiding the news, sir.”

“Right.” Anderson sighed again, his eyes softening again with his admission. “Well, there are reports from three different colonies out in the traverse. All human. All lost contact with the Alliance. Just went cold, no warning, no signals, no messages. Nothing. It’s as if they’ve vanished into thin air.”

The traverse. The edge of Alliance space – inherently dangerous, prone to pirating and raids from other races willing to prey on vulnerable colonists looking to start a new life.  
It was far away from home. Far from the Alliance. Far from the Citadel. Far from news networks, far from the name that wasn’t her name.

Anderson was speaking, but he wasn’t listening.

“Send me, sir.”

Anderson cut short, blinked. “What?”

“Send me. I can investigate.”

“I – that’s an awfully far posting, Alenko. Outside of your usual service missions. Are you certain you want to join the investigation?” Anderson spoke slowly, carefully. Kaidan nodded.

“I’m certain, sir. I know I can be of value. I’ve worked with colonists before, I know Alliance tech like nobody else. You wanted to test my leadership capabilities; well, here’s my shot.”

Anderson stared at him, hard. He met his gaze head-on, undeterred.

“As far as I knew, you were given extended shore leave, Lieutenant.”

Shore leave. The words held a much different meaning to him now. Thirty-three days ago, he would have said shore leave was for laughter, for movie binges and late-night ice cream, for waking up next to Jane and having her lips pressed against his every morning. He wouldn’t get that kind of shore leave ever again. His stomach sank, a dull ache in his chest flaring once more.

“Respectfully, sir, it was shore leave that I didn’t want.”

“Shore leave that you may _need_ , Alenko.”

“What I need, sir, is to forget.” He said, his words clipping. He closed his eyes, running a hand over his head gingerly. A migraine would be coming along shortly. He tried not to think about the slender fingers that would work in his temples, easing him into a peaceful sleep. He wouldn’t get to feel those fingers ever again. “I’m sorry, sir. I just – I don’t function well by sitting still. I need a job to do. I need to keep my mind busy. Please.”

Anderson gazed at him again, his eyes soft, conceding. “Alright. I’ll see what I can do. I’ll update you as soon as I’ve put together a task force.”

“Thank you, sir.”

He stood, feeling weary into his bones, heading for the door like a man in a daze. He barely heard the words that slipped past Anderson’s mouth as he made to shut the door behind him, pausing only as the sound of her name finally, belatedly, hit his ears.

“I miss Jane too, Alenko. I miss her too.”

He closed the door.

_Jane._

/////

From the window of the carrier freighter, Kaidan watched the Citadel shrink from view, disappearing into a tiny dot lost in the nebula’s purple haze. When he lost it completely, he rested his head back against the seat, closing his eyes wearily.

They were headed for the mass relay, stopping at Arcturus to pick up a few additional personnel before heading for the Terminus systems. It felt good, to be back in open space. The vastness of interstellar travel had a calming effect on his tired body, allowing him to find brief respite from his thoughts for a few moments.

It would help, he thought, being away from Alliance space. At least for a little while. He just couldn’t take it anymore – couldn’t handle seeing a mirage of her every time he turned his eyes. 

It mildly surprised him, then, when he received a notification on his tool. 

Frowning, he furrowed his brow at the sender. Of any messages he could receive, this was not one he’d have ever expected.

_Condolences  
from: Sarah Williams_

_Dear Lieutenant Alenko,_

_It is my hope that this message receives you well. It took some digging, but I believe I’ve found the correct tool address._

_We’ve never had the pleasure of meeting, but I heard a lot about you from my sister, Ashley. She spoke most highly of you and Commander Shepard. I have been wanting to reach out after Ash’s passing, but as you can imagine, it’s been a difficult time for my family and I. When I received notice of the Normandy’s accident, however, I realized that life is too precious to waste it on being courteous – I have this moment, right now, to reach out to you, and I opted to take it. It’s what Ash would have wanted._

_I cannot begin to express my sympathy at your loss. Ashley spoke most highly about Commander Shepard, and I know how important your mission was for us all. While I know words can offer little comfort, it is my hope that maybe a happy memory might help._

_Ashley sent this to me on my eighteenth birthday. I wanted you to know, that she loved serving alongside you and Commander Shepard. I’d never seen her so happy – you both gave her a chance to show her true strength, an opportunity that no other command team afforded her. You’ve helped cleanse both Ashley’s and our family name because of it. Thank you. That truth helps us more than you know._

_My intention isn’t to cause you any more pain. Instead, I hope you can find joy from reflecting in both of their lives and the time that you were able to share with them._

_May God bless your journey, Lieutenant Alenko._

_\- Sarah Williams_

It was the picture they’d taken with Ashley, standing in front of the Mako.

His heart stopped.

He wasn’t sure how long he stared at it – he wasn’t aware that he was crying, either, until the tears had pooled so heavy that his vision blurred – but he sat stiffly, entranced by the lines of their faces.

There was Ashley, in the middle, so young and vibrant and happy. Him, standing at her side, smiling awkwardly at the camera with a flush on his cheeks. And Shepard – 

Jane was laughing. Really laughing, with her head tilted back, and her eyes almost crinkled shut. He could see the freckles sprinkled across her nose, could almost hear the ring of her laughter in his ears.

It had been forty-two days since he’d last heard Jane’s voice. In that time, he’d been assaulted with images of her from every screen, her name on the lips of every person who passed his way – but it was this picture, this tiny moment, this little memory that finally allowed him to _really_ see her in all that time.

They looked so happy, he thought sadly. Both of them – large smiles, eyes bright, so full and alive. 

How was he all alone in this, now? In all this? He missed them…so much.

Kaidan didn’t know how long he stared at that photograph. He stared at it until the lines began to blur together, until their names rolled around in his head, until he dreamt of the perfect cup of coffee, of Armistice Day and strip poker, of hardsuit-fittings and Mako landings, of Jane and Ashley’s laughing voices ringing in his ears.

He fell asleep, dreaming of Jane, and the way she had always smiled that little smile just for him. Of the way she’d laughed, just like she had in that photograph, when their wits collided in just the right way. She’d made him feel valued, seen, cared for in a way no one else had.

How was she _gone_?


	40. Entry 12: [E] Alchera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2183  
>  **Location** : Alchera / Amada / Omega Nebula / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“Sounds like things are all in order, Lieutenant.” She paused, eyeing his perfect posture appreciatively. He was waiting for the go-ahead, and she was all-too eager to give it. “Speaking of shifts – what time does yours end, Lieutenant?”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: explicit sexual content]

The chime to her door rang, and Shepard looked up at the time. 2100, exactly. She smirked.

He was always on time.

“Enter.” She called out, placing her tone to that of all business. She was greeted by the sight of her Staff Lieutenant, arriving to deliver his nightly report with all his due diligence.

“Ma’am.” He said politely, taking a far enough step into her cabin to have the door close shut behind him. He had his hands folded behind his back, spine straight, his eyes looking straight ahead. It if weren’t for the smile that threatened to turn up his lips, she’d have said the charade was perfect.

In reality, her stomach was turning over itself in butterflies at the sight of him. She felt like a schoolgirl, like one of those women in the silly romance vids that always had her eyes rolling. She was an N7 damnit, a damn fine marine, could fire a perfect headshot 800 meters out – and yet Kaidan Alenko had successfully, so subtly she almost didn’t notice, turned her into a pile of giddy mush whenever she was in his presence.

It would be annoying if it didn’t feel so damn good.

“Highlights, Lieutenant?” She spoke crisply, turning in her seat and folding her arms across her chest. She was apt to enjoy the view for as long as he was willing to keep this up.

He swallowed, barely managing to maintain his composure. “None, ma’am. This is our third day in the Amada system and there are no signs of geth signatures or any of the vessels reported MIA to the Alliance. Shift rotations have been completed for the next two weeks – if we maintain this thorough pace, we should make it to Batalla by that time – and I’ve added an additional two days for maintenance. Adams has requested that we dump the heat sinks soon; apparently things are getting a little toasty below decks.”

“Noted. We can empty the sinks after the next stop – Alchera, is it?”

“Correct, ma’am.” He nodded, his eyes sliding to hers for a brief moment before staring out at her back wall again. “Pressly has suggested we keep stealth mode activated until we reach Alchera; it’s temperatures are brisk but suitable for human life. There is a chance that the missing ships may have opted to emergency land.”

“Sounds like things are all in order, Lieutenant.” She paused, eyeing his perfect posture appreciatively. He was waiting for the go-ahead, and she was all-too eager to give it. “Speaking of shifts – what time does yours end, Lieutenant?”

He smirked, shuffling on his feet slightly. “It ended – two minutes ago, ma’am. I’m not on for duty until 0800 tomorrow.”

“Funny, I was thinking about calling it in for the night myself.”

“Is that so.”

“Mhmm. It’d be a shame to spend it alone, though. Could really use some company.” She leaned forward, resting her arms on her knees, chin in hand.

“Are you flirting with me, Commander?” His voice dropped an octave, its familiar husky sound snaking a tendril of pleasure down her spine.

“I would never.” She stood, moving to stand directly in front of him until their faces were but inches apart. He was smiling now, his eyes finally meeting hers. “Now ditch the shirt, Lieutenant. I prefer my company topless.”

He laughed, the façade broken. His arms came up, slinging across her waist, pulling her lips into his. “Aye-aye, ma’am.”

She melted into his arms, his kiss sending pleasurable jolts along her skin. She’d never felt this way with a man before – this comfort, this sense of belonging. He made her laugh, he challenged her. He met her intelligence head-on with wits of his own, he offered himself to her with the confidence of a man who knew who he was and what he could give her. He respected her, not idolized her, and he wasn’t afraid to speak his mind when he felt it needed to be heard.

Was this what falling in love felt like? After all these years, she’d never really known.

They’d spent two weeks travelling through the Omega Nebula, making their way from system to system. Their mission had been clear: look for geth. Look for evidence regarding missing Alliance ships.

The unspoken mission had been clearer: the Reapers didn’t exist. Keep Shepard and her crew busy with geth patrol while the Citadel has time to repair itself and hide the attack behind Saren and his geth, instead. Hell, even the sudden disappearance of a handful of Alliance ships had been pinned on the geth. It had been an unbearably frustrating two weeks for everyone aboard, as a result.

But spending time with Kaidan – well, that had made it significantly better.

He kissed her languidly, sliding his tongue up against hers. She sighed, reciprocating eagerly. They hadn’t formally discussed their relationship aboard the Normandy prior to takeoff – rather, they had soaked up every moment of the limited shore leave that the Council spared them before whisking them as far from Citadel space as possible – and nor had they proceeded to talk about it when they’d headed out through the Serpent Nebula relay.

But their eyes had.

She’d gazed at him pointedly as she made her way to her cabin that first night – he at his assumed position on the diagnostics board in the mess – retiring much too early than to be coincidence.

He’d arrived at her door but a few minutes later, stepping inside eagerly when she’d ushered him inside with an innocent, _“yes, Lieutenant?”_

_“I waited until the mess was empty. I hope – well, look. I can’t stop thinking about you. Is it too, ah, risky if I ask to spend some time with you? Off-duty, of course?”_ He’d smiled hopefully, his cheeks flushed.

She’d kissed him as a response. He hadn’t left her cabin until morning.

They also, she mused as he began to slide his hands up along skin of her back tantalizingly, had managed to fall into this exact same routine every other night that followed. They were always discrete, him more than her – he kept his gaze averted from her during the day, only speaking to her when it absolutely required it. But come the evenings, they would come together as though starved, talking well into the night about nothing and everything.

Tonight was clearly to be no exception.

“Missed you.” He said against her lips, tugging at her shirt as though asking permission to remove it.

“Missed you, too. I never realized how sexy Alliance BDU’s were until I saw you in them.” She whipped her shirt up and over her head, untucking his own shirt from his belt impatiently. He chuckled, allowing her to pull the fabric off of his own skin, eagerly crashing his lips back to hers as soon as she had tossed it into the far corner of the room.

“Glad you approve.” He mumbled into her skin, walking them slowly over to her bed. She could feel him, already hard and pressing unassumingly into her stomach, his breath stuttering slightly when she coyly rolled her hips up against his.

He made her heart catch in her throat with his humbleness, made her chest tighten at the way his eyes looked upon her like he couldn’t believe she was real, made her skin tingle wherever he touched her. He made her feel so _alive._

She suddenly very much wanted to make him feel that way, too.

So she pulled on his arms, turning to sit him down firmly at the foot of her bed. His eyes widened when she promptly dropped to her knees before him, sitting back on her heels from between his feet.

“What –” His mouth formed the question but was cut off when she palmed him roughly through his trousers, his eyes sliding shut and his voice giving way to a moan.

“I want to take care of you.” She said simply, unbuttoning his pants and tugging the material low on his hips. He raised himself in response, just enough to allow her to pull the fabric out from underneath him, his eyes gazing at her in both open curiosity and hesitant uncertainty.

“You don’t –” He started, but she cut him off.

“Kaidan, I know I don’t have to. I _want_ to.” She smiled up at him. He stilled, meeting her gaze, searching for something. He nodded.

“Okay.” He said simply.

She didn’t reply, instead pulled at the hem of his briefs. He lifted his hips again, allowing her to slide those off from him too, his trousers and his briefs pulled down just far enough along his muscular thighs to spring his erection free before her.

She ran her fingernails along the skin of his thighs, watching him. He was very still but his chest was rising and falling rapidly – he was breathing, hard, his hands gripping the edge of the bed on either side of his spread legs so tightly that his knuckles were white.

He was gorgeous, she thought to herself. He really was, with his smooth olive skin, his broad chest bare before her, muscles tight. And his cock – she grasped him in one palm, watched his adam’s apple bob when he swallowed heavily at the contact. He was thick in her hand, her fingers barely making their way around, the skin so soft over its rigid shaft. He was erect, painfully so – the head was deep in color, pearlescent moisture beading just at the tip.

“I’ve thought about this so many times.” She admitted, stroking him tightly. She felt the muscles in his thighs tense, his voice catching.

“You have?” He asked, his voice slightly choked.

“Mhmm.” She nodded, watched with fascination as he spread his legs almost imperceptibly wider when she continued to stroke him, felt the warm throbbing beneath her palm from his straining erection. “I always wanted to know what it would feel like, Kaidan. To feel you inside of my mouth.”

A whimper escaped his lips before he could stop himself, turning into a sharp intake when she experimentally brought her tongue out to lave the tip in one broad stroke.

“Oh, god.” He gasped, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment. She smiled, pleased – then brought her tongue up again, this time running it from base to tip, slowly, her hand working up to guide the motion. He watched her with rapt attention, his face almost in disbelief, as she licked her way up him again, letting the moisture from her tongue leave his cock wet and glistening.

Satisfied, she gripped the shaft tightly in her hand, finally bringing her mouth down to envelope completely around the head.

“ _Fuck_ , Jane.” He hissed, his hips bucking subtly, eyes squeezed shut for the briefest of moments.

Pleased by his reaction, she moaned, her mouth full of him. She set a steady pace, using one hand to guide her motion, her lips wrapped tight. She would take him as deep as she could – sliding his cock along her tongue as she did so – before pulling back out damn well near the tip, only to plunge him back inside.

She loved it. And clearly, so did he.

He was watching her through half-lidded eyes, breathing deeply and emitting the occasional sound of contentment. At some point he’d gently pushed some of her hair away from her face, one large hand holding it back at the base of her neck. She tried to take note of every noise he made – a soft sigh when she sucked gently at the tip, a sharp exhale when she felt the head hit the back of her throat, a sound of disbelief when she stroked his shaft expertly in one hand, her mouth dropping down to lavish attention on his balls, which had pulled up tightly at the base of his cock.

Was it the difference in power, she mused? Being on her knees before him, pleasuring him in this way, brought a primal sort of instinct into her – it felt good to spoil him, amazing even. She’d never enjoyed this particular activity before and yet here she was, her panties dripping in evidence of her own arousal, seemingly unable and unwilling to pull his cock out of her mouth for longer than a few seconds at a time. She was enthralled by the way he crumbled before her, with all his appreciative moans and sighs.

Or maybe it was just him, Kaidan – the way his throat would swallow heavily each time she buried himself deeply into the warm confines of her mouth, the gasp he made when she twisted her hand near the tip of his cock, the way he looked at her. He would gaze at her reverently, like she was something precious and beautiful. She wasn’t used to feeling that way. Her femininity often fell to the wayside in favor of her prowess as a battle-hardened marine.

But right now, with his throbbing cock sliding in and out of her mouth, she felt like the most beautiful woman in the world.

“Shepard, I – I’m close.” His voice was strangled, low and hoarse. She hummed in approval, opting to increase her pace. She focused on the motions – on the grip of her hand along his shaft, at the way her tongue would ravish the underside of his erection on every pass. He moaned heavily, his hips shifting subtly in pleasure.

“ _Jane_.” This was a warning, one she was all too eager to ignore. She kept her pace, her jaw starting to feel sore in a delightful sort of way. He had a deep flush that had spread across his cheeks and down his chest. His breathing was labored, hands shaking, his eyes looking at her almost dazedly.

A shimmer of blue danced across his skin, spurring her on. She looked up, meeting his eyes with her mouth full of his throbbing cock.

He let out a strangled groan – it vaguely sounded like her name – and his eyes finally slid shut, a flare of blue erupting from his skin. She felt his erection get even harder in her grip, if that were possible, before she could feel a dull throbbing pulse through him. Keeping her lips wrapped tightly around him, she swallowed his spend, waiting for the last pulse to give way before releasing him carefully from the confines of her mouth.

He was panting, sharp breaths that had his chest heaving. She waited patiently for him to come down from the high, a satisfied smile on her face from her spot between his legs.  
After a few moments, he reached for her blindly, his hands still shaking. She eagerly took his grip, allowing him to pull her up into an embrace. Settling herself on either side of his hips, he buried his face into her neck with a deep sigh.

“Thank you. That was…unexpected.” He finally said. She chuckled.

“It was my pleasure.” She said earnestly. She meant it.

She ran soothing hands up along his back, running through his dark hair, while he caught his breath. He finally began to kiss a path up along her neck, over her jawline and finally against her lips.

“That – wasn’t what I had in mind for tonight. But I – that was amazing, Jane. You’re amazing.” He said softly against her lips. She smiled.

“Hmm, I should treat you this way more often. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy.” She teased.

He chuckled, rubbing her nose with his own gently. “Well, I mean it. And not just because – well, you know.” He said sheepishly, his eyes full of exasperated mirth. “Although, I want to make it clear that I would never complain if ever you wanted to do that again.”

“Of course not.” She laughed, meeting his eyes. Despite the joking, he was battling himself with something. She knew him well enough by now to know the look on his face when he was struggling to find the right words. So she waited patiently, rubbing soothing circles into his temples and across his hairline, content to be in his arms.

She was fairly certain she knew what he was trying to say. It was the same trouble she was having herself – where did she begin? She enjoyed spending time with him, immensely. She’d never felt giddy like this before. She thought about him constantly, always wondering where he was or what he was doing. She was always left wanting more of him. He impressed her, enthralled her, motivated her. The sound of his voice sent a tingle down her spine.

How did you put that into words?

So when he struggled to open his mouth, at a loss, she decided to help him out. She kissed him, slowly, trying to muster all her emotions for him into that one single action. He hesitated for a moment, as though uncertain if he wanted to let the moment pass, before conceding, smiling against her mouth.

In this unspoken exchange, they both knew what the other wanted to say.

So she allowed him to show her with actions, instead. It didn’t take much convincing to have her lay on her back for him, to let him peel the rest of her clothing off, to feel his lips kiss every inch of skin he uncovered.

He made her feel so alive.

/////

She was going to die.

The sudden realization made very alarm in her head go off, every instinct of her training fighting for another solution. There was always another solution.

Except for when your O2 lines had ruptured in the vacuum of space.

Images flashed in her mind’s eye – how had this happened? What had gone wrong? They’d woken to the sound of alarms – the emergency evacuation bells, to be specific – and Kaidan and her had wasted not a moment before throwing themselves into their clothes and springing from her cabin, Joker’s com calls blasting from their tools.

_“We’ve been hit by an unidentified vessel. It’s tearing us apart! I can’t shake them!”_

Her fighter’s instinct had taken over, as had his – he’d slid into motion, taking the ducts down to his locker below deck while she suited into her own armor outside the med bay.

_“Status, Joker.”_

_“I’m trying evasive maneuvers, Commander. Stealth mode is engaged, but nothing’s working. You need to get everyone off the damn ship or it’s going to blow us all to hell!”_

Damnit. Alright. She’d ran to the battery line at the end of the sleeper pod corridor, punching her way through access codes to allow the distress beacon to set off. She’d tried to ignore the terrified screams that surrounded her, the warmth of the flames licking her boots.

Kaidan had sprinted back, jamming his helmet into place. He’d argued with her.

_“Joker’s still in the cockpit, he won’t abandon ship. I’m not leaving either.”_

I’m not leaving _you_ , was what she knew he had implied. It was unacceptable. She couldn’t allow that. He had to live.

_“Kaidan, go. Now.”_ She’d used his name, not his rank. This was personal. He’d hesitated, staring helplessly for a moment before reluctantly agreeing. She’d been blown off the ship not a minute later, spinning helplessly into the void, the bright glare of Amada’s sunlight spilling over Alchera.

Was that the last she would see of him? The last words she’d hear him say?

She began to feel dizzy, her vision blurring from lack of oxygen. She felt with her fingers the broken tube in her suit, realized with a sinking feeling that there was nothing she could do.

She thought briefly of his smile, the way he’d looked at her before they’d fallen asleep. She’d never even gotten to tell him how she felt about him.

With a few last gasps, she saw bright spots flare up over Alchera’s atmosphere. The escape pods. Her crew – _Kaidan_ – they would make it. She hoped they would make it.

Her image faded to black.


	41. Entry 11: New Posting For Serviceman Alenko, Kaidan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2183  
>  **Location** : Presidium / Citadel / Widow System / Serpent Nebula / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“Kaidan, you stopped being just my subordinate a long time ago. I know we both know how to separate this from our duties, how to be discrete. But after this, after all this – there is no going back. At least, not for me.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: mentions of sexuality]

_Dear Serviceman Kaidan Alenko,_

_The Citadel Council congratulates you on your bravery these past months. You have served the Alliance proud, and your actions have helped humanity to shine amidst a galaxy full of unique races. To honor the efforts of the Normandy and her crew, the Council is hosting a commendation ceremony in two days’ time. Please see the attached coordinates. We eagerly anticipate your attendance,_

_Councilor David Anderson  
Ambassador Donnel Udina_

/////  
 **1900 Hours**

“Staff Lieutenant Alenko. I’m glad you could make it.”

For a moment, he forgot how to talk. Shepard was at the entryway, greeting their fellow crewman as they made their way into the celebration hall. Only, she was dressed in a way he’d never seen before. Her hair was pulled back into something that twisted at the nape of her neck, showing the angles of her face, the sharp contour of her brows. She wore makeup – moreso than usual, her green eyes bright and sparkling. And even though he’d seen Alliance formalwear on fellow female marines hundreds of times, the way it looked on her –

“Honored to be here, ma’am.” He said politely, nodding curtly. She smirked, the only giveaway, before sliding her eyes past him to crewman Tanaka. He made his way inside, trying not to think about how just hours before, she’d been naked atop of him, riding him mercilessly from the sanctity of her presidium-issued apartment.

They were on duty here, technically. It was time to focus.

As far as military ceremonies went, this one was fairly lax. It wasn’t as though the Citadel offered much in the way of pleasantries – it had only been a week since their battle against Saren. But they’d made do, with the room lavishly decorated and filled to the brim with not only his fellow crew, but a number of Alliance higher-ups as well. He saw Captain Anderson – _Councilor_ Anderson, he corrected himself – in the corner with Udina, chatting amiably with the asari Councilor. Rear Admiral Mikhailovich was deep in conversation with the turian Councilor – he made a mental note to stay clear from that conversation – so instead sauntered his way over to another turian frame, this one exponentially more inviting than the previous.

“Wow, Garrus. You’re looking very dapper this evening.” He said cheerfully, slipping into a barstool beside him. Garrus huffed a laugh, raising his glass in good cheer.

“Thanks, Kaidan. I guess it makes a good change from the old exosuit, huh. It also helps that I’m not covered in blood.”

“Awe, come on. We both know you liked that part.”

“Maybe.” He flared his mandibles in jest, waving the bartender over. “I’m just surprised I even got an invitation, to be honest. Must be Shepard’s influence.”

“Why would you not? I believe you took the winning shot against Saren, anyway. If anyone deserves to be here, it’s you.” He leaned forward against the wood, turning his eyes away for a moment. “Shot of whiskey, if you have any? And a lager, please. Earth-brewed if possible.”

“Whiskey, I have. Does a colony-brew work?” The bartender said good-naturedly, and Kaidan nodded in agreement.

“Well, this is technically an Alliance event. And I’m not formally a member of your crew – although, I’m sure all these aliens that Shepard adopted along the way are only helping build relationships between the different council races.” Garrus took a long sip, waving his hand arbitrarily. “You know, because saving face is always important, blah blah blah.”

“If they really wanted to save face, they should have forced Wrex to be here. Thanks.” He smiled at the bartender, slamming his shot easily. “Besides, not that I’m trying to be pessimistic here, but I have a nagging feeling that the truth is about to be lost in political save-face tactics.”

“How do you mean?” Garrus asked, curiosity piqued. Kaidan shrugged.

“I’m worried the Council won’t believe Shepard about the Reapers. Sovereign was just one – without another, they can easily brush it off as a geth vessel, blame the attack entirely on Saren. I’m worried the real threat is going to be pushed to the wayside.” He took a long sip of his beer, contemplating. “You and I were there. We saw what Sovereign warned to us back on Virmire. What if the Council doesn’t take heed of that warning?”

“They likely won’t.” Garrus said flatly, swirling his drink absently. “That’s why I’m thinking about leaving the Citadel.”

“Permanently?” Kaidan asked. Garrus nodded.

“I was offered my old job back in C-Sec. I haven’t given them an answer yet.” He paused. “It’s been a week, and already people are forgetting. Excluding your human Councilor, the other Citadel races want nothing to hear about Reapers. They’re as willing to brush it under the rug as they were to keep their own heads up their asses about Saren. It’s too much trouble to think about, so it’s easier not to think about it at all.”

“That’s how I’ve been feeling, honestly.”

“Have you gotten a new posting yet? That might give you an insight into how they’re planning on handling this.”

“I’m not certain I’d be able to tell you details if I did, but I can tell you that I haven’t been assigned a posting, yet, no. Neither has Shepard.”

Garrus smirked. Kaidan tried to ignore it, busying himself with his beer.

“Yes, I’m sure you _have_ been talking lots with Shepard. Or, maybe not much talking at all.” He chuckled again, then continued with a sigh. “I just want to do good. I want to do something meaningful, something that isn’t stuck behind a Citadel’s worth of red damn tape. If they blow over this Reaper threat – well, I don’t think I could remain here with my sanity in check.”

“Hmm.” Kaidan agreed quietly, thinking. “You know, I’m sure Shepard would welcome you back onto the Normandy with open arms.”

“That, I would accept in a heartbeat.” Garrus took a sip, making a displeased look. “However, I’m with you on this one. I fear your next assignment isn’t going to be one that even attempts to tackle the real threat.”

“Well, if it’s worth anything, Garrus.” Kaidan stuck his hand out, gazing up at the taller male respectfully. “It was a pleasure serving with you. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Garrus gazed at him, mildly surprised, before taking his hand in his own, shaking roughly. “You as well, Kaidan. I’ll miss the perfect headshots your biotics always managed to line up for me.”

He chuckled, shrugging amiably. “Happy to fight alongside someone who appreciates them. It’s going to be odd, not having you face around. I was getting used to it. Tali and Wrex too.”

“Tali’s headed back to her Flotilla already, right?” Garrus asked, gazing around the room. He sounded more than mildly disappointed.

“That’s right. And Wrex – well, who knows.”

“And what about our dear Prothean expert?” Garrus pointed off to Liara in the distance, who was chatting with the asari Councilor.

“She’ll be tagging along for awhile longer. Shepard’s already asked her to stay aboard. I think – well, I think she’s still feeling a little lost. After everything. She did just lose her mother, after all.” Kaidan paused, taking a sip. “Maybe with this Saren chase over and done with, Shepard can let the poor girl actually examine some of these old ruins we keep running into.”

“She did end up being surprisingly good with a pistol, I’ll give her that. For a professor, she sure can shoot.” Garrus chuckled, before slamming his drink back happily. “So, onto the _real_ question of the evening. How long did it take you and our dear Commander to finally admit your undying love for one another? Have you even left each other’s presence yet? Are clothes feeling a bit confining again, having been naked with her for so long? And when did you see her last before this; what, like an hour ago?”

Kaidan looked off, fighting the flush that threatened to spread across his cheeks and suddenly very thankful for the loud chatter that surrounded them. Beside him, Garrus laughed, his mandibles flaring as he ordered another brandy.

He really was going to miss that turian.

/////  
 **2120 Hours**

“Hey there, Lieutenant.”

Her familiar voice crept up behind him, and he smiled beside himself. Turning, he was met with a welcome sight. Jane was leaning unassumingly against an empty table, gesturing for him to join her.

“Commander. Enjoying your evening?” He asked smoothly, happily obliging by seating himself across from her.

“I am. I can think of better ways to enjoy an evening, however.” She smiled at him coyly, gesturing down to his formalwear. “Although, the view in here is certainly nice tonight.”

“Why, thank you.” He dipped his head in appreciation. “Your hair looks lovely like that, by the way.”

“Thank you.” She replied meekly, the slightest flush on her cheeks, before gazing out amidst the crowd. “So, does it feel weird yet?”

“Weird, how?”

“Weird, as in – in one way, it’s finally over. But in another, it’s only just begun.” She took a sip from her wine glass, sighing.

“You have some gossip you’d like to share, Commander?”

Shepard was quiet, contemplating. “We’ll be getting new mission assignments. Tonight, maybe, likely sometime tomorrow morning.”

“And?” He asked, leaning forward.

“And, I don’t know. Anderson and Udina are trying, but – I just don’t know.” She smiled regretfully, shrugging her shoulders. “We’ve done what we can. They have our mission reports. There’s not use stressing about something that’s outside of my control. Best not to worry until we hear from Anderson, and I know he’s trying his best.”

“Please tell me there’s at least a shred of good news, somewhere in there.” He said lowly.

“Yeah. There’s some.” She took a sip, sliding her gaze over to him. “I was speaking with the other Councilors. They – well, they’re honoring Ash. When they got wind of the Virmire reports, they decided to pay their respects. Said her sacrifice was worth remembering.”

He was silent for a long moment, stunned. “Honoring, how?”

She smiled at him, her eyes a little glassy. There was some lingering guilt in there, too. He thought briefly that it might always be there. “The salarian Silver Dagger and the turian Nova Cluster, respectively. She’ll be the first human to receive those awards.”

“Wow.” He stilled, remembering. “She – she deserves it. I think that would more than help relieve her family name from the Shanxi fiasco.”

“I’d certainly think so, too. Ironic, to have a Williams receiving a medal from a turian. I mean, I don’t see it that way. But I think she would.” Shepard said quietly, looking down into her drink.

“It’s amazing, Shepard. Will you be telling her family?” He asked gently. She nodded.

“Yes. I was going to do it first thing, as soon as I board the Normandy again and have some time to think. It will…be a much easier letter to write than the last one.”

They were both silent for a few long moments, enjoying their solitude from the crowd. The crew had slowly dispersed, some eagerly engaging with one another for more drinks, others bowing out discretely for an early evening. Alliance formal events always were a bit stuffy. Across the hall, Kaidan could see Joker eagerly attempting to coral a group into hitting a popular Alliance bar afterwards.

“What about you, Lieutenant?” Her voice cut in, breaking his easy reverie.

“Me?”

“Any plans for the rest of the evening?” She asked, her smile back behind another sip of wine. He smiled right back.

“Well, I was hoping that I hadn’t worn out my welcome at a certain woman’s quarters. I could use a little unwinding from all this rigid Alliance formality.” He teased easily, his voice low. “Maybe you’ve seen her. Red hair, green eyes. Best damn shot I’ve ever seen.”

She laughed, her eyes crinkling in the corners. “I was thinking the exact same thing, Lieutenant. What are we on now, our eighteenth date or something?”

He chuckled, shaking his head. “No idea, Jane. All I know is, until tonight I haven’t left your apartment in four damn days. And quite frankly, if _this_ is all we were missing out on in all that time, I don’t think we were missing out on very much.”

She hummed in agreement. “So, what’s the plan for tonight then.”

“I say, we start our goodbyes to all the higher-ups. You know that will take a good hour or so.” He started, and she nodded. “I’ll need to swing by my quarters to grab a change of clothes –”

“Something tells me you won’t be having much need for clothes, Lieutenant.”

“—a change of clothes, because I do intend on treating you like the lady that you are. I’m not a total animal, you know.”

“Who said anything about you?” Her eyes were twinkling at him in jest, but her smile was genuine.

“Then we spend the rest of our evening talking about anything but Alliance. Before we get any news, before we know where we’re headed next – I just want to spend one more evening with Jane.” He said quietly, gazing at her from the corner of his eye, sipping his beer in nonchalance.

She was quiet for a long moment.

“That sounds – perfect, actually.”

/////  
 **0110 Hours**

“Your turn.” He said, encasing her fingers in his.

“Have you always flared like that when you orgasm? I like it. I’m just curious, is all.” Her voice was barely louder than a whisper, muffled from where her face was buried in his shoulder.

They were entwined in her bed, their formal wear strewn about the room as evidence of their coital activities. Now, both lured by the temptation of a comfortable sleep, they had their naked bodies pressed against one another eagerly, running soft fingers up one another’s skin and exchanging soft kisses over hushed conversation.

Kaidan stilled, uncertain. She felt him tense up, and raised her eyes at him quizzically, her gaze soft.

“If it’s a sensitive topic –”

“No, it’s fine.” He smiled, albeit tightly. “I’m just not used to people asking questions about it, is all. The short answer is, yes. If I really concentrate I can prevent it, but the L2 implants spike very high so it can be difficult to keep it in. Honestly, it just feels better when I don’t.”

“Oh.” She lay her head back down onto his chest. “Don’t ever hold it in, then, alright Kaidan?”

“Alright.” He agreed, tightening his grip on her. “My turn.”

“Shoot.”

“You grew up…on the streets, right.”

It was her turn to tense up. “Yeah, that’s right.”

“I’ve just always wondered…how do you do it, Shepard? How are you so – _good_. I’m sure you must have seen some horrible things, and I’m not asking you to share them. I just know a kid growing up all alone couldn’t have been easy. So how did you manage to come out the person that you are?” He sighed, rubbing his hand along her back soothingly. “Sorry, I know that question is a bit…vague.”

“No, that’s alright.” She was tracing patterns into his skin with her fingers, her eyes closed. “I’m happy I had the childhood that I had, to be honest. It gave me a reason to fight. I fight so that no other kid has to go through what I did, for all those years. I was given a bad stick to start with, but I refused to let that define me. By the time I joined the Alliance, I didn’t have anything to fight for other than myself. I had nothing to hold me back. And I had this burning desire to do good, to do anything I could to help anyone who needed it. Just like I needed it myself, for so long.”

“You’re a strong person, Jane. I really hope you know that.” He said quietly.

“So are you. You may have had parents who loved you, a home – but you had a childhood as full of scars as mine was. They’re different scars, sure, but they can leave a mark on you all the same.” She burrowed deeper into his chest. “I think that’s what sets people apart. There are those who take what’s happened to them and use that as an excuse to do bad. But I see it as a motivation to do good. I refuse to believe in a world where good no longer exists. And I’ll happily die fighting to protect that thought.”

He was quiet, contemplating her words carefully. After a few moments, he worried that she’d fallen asleep. But she suddenly repositioned herself against him comfortably, her voice cutting into the air softly.

“Are you worried about the new assignment?”

“What happened to not talking Alliance?” He teased, placing a kiss in her hair before she could respond. “I’m kidding. You know we’re both thinking about it.” He paused, thinking carefully. “I think – no matter what the assignment is, Anderson won’t give up. And neither will you. Neither will I, for that matter. We’ll find a way to figure this out.”

“I hope you’re right.” She said quietly.

“Worst case scenario, we _do_ have a Prothean expert aboard our ship. Who knows, maybe she’ll dig up a derelict Reaper and we’ll have some nice, hard evidence to show the Council.” He said wryly, grinning.

She laughed, bringing her face up again to kiss his lips. “You’re right. Why am I worried?” She kissed him again, softer this time. “Forgive me, I think I’m about to pass out on you whether I want to or not. Your chest makes for a very comfortable pillow.”

“Happy to be of service.” He mumbled against her lips, tucking her body back down against his own. “Goodnight, Jane.”

“Goodnight, Kaidan.”

Her even breaths lulled him into an easy sleep.

/////  
 **0700 Hours**

_The Systems Alliance has published a new posting for serviceman ALENKO, KAIDAN._

_Reports to: SSV Normandy SR-1_  
Command of: Commander SHEPARD, JANE  
Position: Staff Lieutenant  
Location: Terminus, Omega Nebula  
Mission Status: Classified 

/////

“Classified. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Or do I, uh, not get to know.”

He asked her cheekily the next morning, and she smiled absently, still gazing at her own posting report. As CO, it would offer more extensive details than his.

“I got to keep my crew. I personally requested that, although I think in this case they were more than happy to oblige.” She sighed, turning her tool off resolutely. “They’re shipping us out.”

“Well, I can see that. But why?”

“To get rid of us.” She pulled the covers back irritably, standing and pacing at the foot of her bed. He watched her silently, waiting for her to continue. “They’re having us search for geth patrol units. Want them taken out.”

He was silent, thinking. Oh. “Which, with us being out in the Terminus systems –”

“Keeps us and our Reaper stories as far away from the Citadel as possible, for a few weeks, at least.”

Kaidan frowned. “Right. But why send us? This seems like a simple shakedown, they don’t need the Normandy for that. Seems like a waste of valuable resources, if you ask me. There must be more to it than this.”

She smiled approvingly at him. “You’re right, it would be. But I think – I think this was Anderson trying his best. Take a look at this.” She turned her tool back on, shoving a report under his scrutiny. “Tell me what you think.”

He sat up, his eyes scanning over the report eagerly.

“Missing cruisers? I’ve heard that’s common out in Terminus, but this – well, this is a lot. And in a very short period of time. Only humans, too. That’s odd.” He scrolled further, his brows furrowed contemplatively. “So, we’re out there on Council’s orders to take out geth patrols. But Anderson is having us take that as an opportunity to scan for these missing ships.”

“Right.”

“Is there some reason to believe that the Reapers are behind this?” He asked, more hypothetical than anything else.

“No idea. But it’s a start. Without Saren, the Reapers don’t have so obvious of a tie to the geth anymore. Maybe these ships will help shed some light on that.”

Kaidan sighed, thinking. He leant back again, folding his arms behind his head and resting back on her headboard.

“I can’t say I think it’s the most efficient use of our time. But I agree that there is something off about this. And I see what you’re saying – Anderson, too. If this is the best they can do – well, we might as well make the most of it. Let’s see if we can find something, anything. While it’s not what I was hoping for…I guess, realistically, we don’t even know what the best plan might even be. How does one go about trying to find evidence for a race that has eluded our knowledge for 50,000 years?”

“I’m with you. I don’t know if I like it either, but…it’s a start. Maybe once we get out there we can put our heads together with the crew, Liara as well. Talk to some neighboring systems. Someone has to know something.”

“Hmm.” He agreed, still thinking pensively. “When do we ship out? My report doesn’t say.”

“It wouldn’t. They’re still calibrating the heat sinks with fresh eezo, and it’s in high demand at the moment.” Shepard scrolled through her report again, pausing near the bottom. “I’ll get an official ETA later today, which means you will, as well. But this is top priority. I’d be shocked if it took longer than a day or two.”

“I figured as much.” He shifted on the bed, crossing his legs. “So, does this mean I have to go back to being your Staff Lieutenant, ma’am?”

He said it as casually as he could, his tone teasing. In reality, he thought to himself, the idea crushed him. He would play the role no questions asked, but after their time together – well, it would be difficult to go back. He hated even thinking about how much he’d come to enjoy sleeping next to her each night.

She brought her eyes up from her omni-tool, her expression blank, staring at him. A small smile played at her lips. When she responded, it was with a voice he hadn’t heard from her before – it was sad, gentle, almost wistful.

“Kaidan, you stopped being just my subordinate a long time ago. I know we both know how to separate this from our duties, how to be discrete. But after this, after all this – there is no going back. At least, not for me.”

She gestured between them carefully, eyes meeting his. He felt his chest tighten, his throat suddenly tight. He smiled shyly at her, a gesture she eagerly returned.

He knew, right then, that he’d fallen in love with her.


	42. Entry 10: [E] Shore Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2183  
>  **Location** : Presidium / Citadel / Widow System / Serpent Nebula / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _“She laughed warmly, leaning forward to rest her elbow on the table, chin propped on her hand with a large grin. “Damn, Alenko, I thought you’d never ask.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: explicit sexual content]

Kaidan Alenko had never been one for shore leave.

It wasn’t as though he didn’t enjoy time off, per se – rather, he just found it difficult to adjust to its structureless routine. He enjoyed long postings, enjoyed being on frigates, enjoyed the monotonous schedule that went hand-in-hand with the on-duty life of a marine.

Kaidan was a logical man. He knew what was expected of him while on active duty, and he excelled at being excellent at it. But when it came to down time, that was where he fumbled. He couldn’t enjoy the nightlife scene the way other marines did; sure, he’d always been relatively single barring a few short relationships, but not only was chasing women around in his uniform wholly uninteresting to him, it was also cumbersome with his implant.

Too many lights, too much noise. It had procured more than many a person into thinking that he was boring, too safe, too by-the-books, and maybe at first glance he humorously agreed with them. It was the cost of preventing deadly migraines. So instead, what he actively sought was intellect, sharp wit and confident banter, a person to battle his mind and his logic as opposed to tempting him with their body or their fluttering eyelashes.

Unfortunately, that was hard to come by. Especially in the presence of other marines – they tended to prefer the beer-drinking, rowdy approach to women that he detested.

For the first time since he’d first joined the Alliance, however, he was genuinely looking forward to shore leave.

/////

It had been three days since they had crawled out of the rubble on the Citadel.

Three days since they had defeated Saren. Kaidan could still hear the spectacular crunch as Garrus’ sniper rifle had caught…him, whatever had been left of him, square in the forehead as he had held the creature in a particularly difficult stasis field.

Three days since Shepard had pulled herself out of the rubble with a broken arm and a shit-eating grin.

He hadn’t been able to exchange more than a few spare words with her in all that time. Any more and it would have roused unwanted attention.

The three of them had spent their first day in a medical tent, being examined and prodded by various Citadel doctors until Dr Chakwas herself had stormed in and demanded see her patients. The only other doctor she had allowed to stay was Dr Michel, whom watched Chakwas chastise the clumsy handiwork of the previous medics with a bemused smirk on her face.

Shepard herself had then been pulled for three days into different meetings with the Council. Anderson had briefed their crew once Joker had docked, sending the Normandy off for maintenance repairs and shipping them off on open-ended shore leave. _“Explicit details to follow, pending an official Council investigation,”_ is what he had said. That had been more than enough for the majority of the crew, many going off to celebrate with beer and whisky and dances at Flux or Chora’s den.

In other words: too many lights, too much noise.

Kaidan would never have been interested in joining such festivities as it was. But those feelings were even more so now that he had so much to think about. If there was something that he was really, really good at, it was overthinking.

And all he could think about was Commander Jane Shepard.

She’d sat across from him in their makeshift hospital tent, smiling warmly at him as though Doctor Michel wasn’t re-fitting her radial bone back into place. Her eyes had lingered on him long enough to make his skin flush, another medic examining a small cut on his forehead while he willed his heartrate to stay calm.

Anderson had checked on them (rather, checked to see if none of Shepard’s bones were no longer visible) before whisking her away to meet with the council.

His omni-tool had pinged thirty minutes later, with a simple message that made his breath stop.

_JShepard: I’ll join you as soon as I can. Try not to miss me too much until I get there._

Miss her? Hell, she was all he could think about. And not in the way that one normally thought about their commanding officer. No, now that the battle was over, the dust was settled, he was helpless in thinking about anything else but the creamy expanse of her skin, the way her freckles had sprinkled across over shoulders, the way her spine looked curved up against his chest, the way her legs had felt wrapped tightly around his waist –

“Alenko, over here. Could use some of those fancy biotics of yours right about now.” Garrus’ flanging voice cut his attention, and he looked up from the rubble. This was how, instead of joining the masses in celebrating their tumultuous victory, he had volunteered to spend the past few days digging through rubble with Garrus, looking for survivors and helping to clean up the demolition left in their wake.

“Coming.” He scrambled up over a particularly dusty edge, gazing out to a stubborn beam that had pinned chunks of ceiling beneath it. He felt the tingling hum of his biotics dance over his skin, lifting it cautiously into an unassuming corner.

“Thanks.” Garrus patted his shoulder a little awkwardly before bending down to scan the remaining rubble. Kaidan couldn’t help but smile at the gesture. Garrus was a funny turian. Removing Vyrnus from the equation entirely, the vast majority of turians he had met were either uninterested or less than impressed with humans. He couldn’t say he blamed them – Udina wasn’t exactly the best representation of their race, in his opinion – but their open disdain for humanity didn’t exactly make for an easy partnership.

Garrus, however, was different. In many ways, Garrus reminded him a bit of himself, although in many ways he also did not. The turian seemed unmoved by race, seemingly uncaring as to whether you were batarian, salarian, or some odd hybrid of the two; instead, he only seemed to care about the character that shone through. He had extremely limited patience for stupidity, illogical decisions, and extensive politics.

In that way, Kaidan could agree with him. There were times, he felt, that Garrus could take this line of thinking too far – in an almost _the-end-justifies-the-means_ sort of a way – but in this common ground they found a quiet working partnership. It was almost cute, the way that Garrus tried extensively to better understand human emotions and customs.

“So, you miss Shepard yet, or is this how you always spend your shore leave?” It was just the two of them, the few other C-sec officers milling about with their heads buried in omni-tool readings. Kaidan glanced around hesitantly and responded as coolly as he could.

“Is there something unusual about my wanting to help?” He finally replied. Garrus flared his mandibles at that, shooting him a look. Maybe he needed to work on his turian body language skills, too; Kaidan could have sworn the look he received was that of withering humor.

“Maybe not particularly unusual, knowing you. But that’s not exactly what I meant.”

“What did you mean, then?”

Garrus stared at him again, the hint of a smirk peeking up over his mandibles. “Maybe my interpretation of human dating rituals is completely off, but here I thought I was learning quite a bit from you two.”

“Dating rituals?”

“I might be turian, but I’m not blind. Or was this whole thing supposed to be a secret?” Garrus paused, tilting his head in a thoughtful gesture. “I always forget that in your military these sorts of relationships are frowned upon. Always seemed a little bit odd to me. There’s nothing quite like the edge of imminent death to spark a good romance.”

“You sound like you speak from experience.” Kaidan replied conversationally, trying to squash the flush that was threatening to spill over his collar.

“I do. But I also speak from observation.”

“And what, ah, what have you observed, exactly?”

“Hmm. You probably don’t want me to answer that.” Garrus replied with a chuckle, checking his omni-tool for depth readings. “Damn, this beam broke through three floors. They’re going to have to rebuild this entire section.”

“I thought that seemed rather obvious.” He paused, stealing another glance at his friend. Could he call him that, now? “So, uh, why wouldn’t I want to hear your answer?”

“Sure, but a turian can hope. One of my favorite bars was in this section, that’s just depressing.” Garrus flared his mandibles sadly, then caught his eye again. “Well, you humans have this unusual ability to, ah… _change colors_. If I were to mention how many times I caught Shepard staring at your ass, I have a strong feeling you’d begin to turn a bright shade of red.”

Kaidan flushed, scratching his head awkwardly and quickly turning down to his omni-tool again.

He was not quick enough, however. Garrus laughed, teasingly, before looking back down to his own tool.

“I guess I _am_ learning a few things about humans after all. Now, help me with these support beams, would you? Or do you want me to go on in detail about the longing looks you’d give her behind her back, too?”

“Beams. Definitely the beams.” Kaidan replied staunchly, resigning himself with a sigh when Garrus chuckled again. Only friends would tease one another like this, he thought to himself. He guessed he had made a friend after all.

/////

He had just settled into his Alliance-issued sleeping quarters for the evening, freshly showered and muscles exhausted from another long day with Garrus, when he heard his omni-tool go off. It rang with that particular _ping_ that signaled a message from a very particular person. A quick glance both confirmed his suspicions and brought a smile to his face.

_JShepard: Presidium Upper Ring, Block C, Unit 717. You free for breakfast tomorrow?_

_KAlenko: Only if you’re not cooking._

_JShepard: Would be a poor method of seduction on my part if that were the case._

He chuckled at that, a reassuring tingle snaking its way down his spine at her flirting.

_KAlenko: Still wouldn’t scare me away. What time?_

_JShepard: I’m a lucky woman. 0800._

_KAlenko: Aye aye, ma’am._

_JShepard: Sweet dreams, lieutenant._

/////

The Presidium blocks were reserved for Council elite, typically people of high political power and their families. They were not open to public purchase and technically considered reserved as far as Citadel real estate went. As a result, Kaidan had never had the luxury of an invitation.

Until now, that is. He supposed a secret rendezvous with the first human Spectre warranted him such access.

He made the walk leisurely, taking in the various states of destruction that had befallen it since Saren’s attack. Had that really only been a few days? To him, it already felt like weeks. Some blocks were closed down entirely but other sections appeared impervious to any damage at all. C Block was on the southern-most peak from the central access hub; likely the only reason it had survived any long-standing damage during the attack.

An all-glass elevator took him up to the seventh floor and he took a deep breath before stepping his way out. Kaidan Alenko was not a nervous man. He had long since made peace with himself and who he was, and under the cool face of stubborn logic there was rarely anything at all that could successfully unnerve him.

So it wasn’t that he was nervous to approach Shepard. A better word, he mused, might be apprehensive. She had a pleasant way of getting to him, always able to make him stumble his words or make him laugh in the most unexpected moments. He enjoyed her company immensely, more than he cared to admit. From the moment he’d met her, he had been taken back by her intelligence, her confidence, her forward way of speaking.

In other words, she was everything he’d always sought for in a partner. And that thought sort of terrified him.

Kaidan Alenko didn’t do casual. He was the type that committed to something wholly, not in part, and that wasn’t a trait that typically resulted in a lot of romantic success as a marine. Long stretches away from port was a surefire way to stress a new relationship and, he admitted, it was rare enough that he found someone who intrigued him enough to try.

Jane Shepard, however, not only intrigued him – she scared the hell right out of him. He had never been so consumed by the thoughts of another woman before, never wanted so badly to get to know her, to be in her presence.

She made him feel a way about himself that others had always overlooked because of his biotics: she appreciated his dry sense of humor, respected his insight and intellect, thrived off picking his brain on delicate and detailed problems. She was a problem-solver, like him, always looking for the logic in a problem to determine its solution. She had seen the careful hesitance with which he utilized his biotics, figured out the reasons behind his apprehension, learnt all the terrible truth of his past – and instead of judging him, she had made sense of him with it, used the knowledge to understand him better and appreciate the man he’d become.

She made him feel powerful and powerless all at the same time. Because he was quite certain that he was falling in love with her.

He slowed his steps as he approached her unit, hesitating for a moment at her door to check his omni-tool: 0758. He had no reason to feel uncertain. Logically, he knew that. Shepard had given him no indication to think that she didn’t feel the same way, or that she at least was interested in finding out. Hell, it had been her that had initially approached him, making his mouth dry and at a loss for words as she’d flirted so brazenly with him.

She was a woman who knew what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to go after it. He respected that immensely. But the pessimist in him, the _realist_ , reminded him that she had made no promise of a relationship.

A relationship that he very much wanted.

He pressed the call button at her door, waiting only a moment before her footsteps crept closer, unlocking the doors with a pleasant swish.

“Right on time. Why am I not surprised.” She teased with a warm smile, stepping back to usher him in. He stared at her for the briefest of moments, taking in her loose hair that was tucked behind her ears, her make-up free face highlighting the freckles across her nose.

He was a goner for sure. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

“What can I say, I’m nothing if not a proper gentleman.” He said humbly, following her into the foyer. If she noticed his stare she said nothing, but the slight twinkle in her eye made him think that she had.

“Come on in, let’s eat while it’s still hot.” She walked him down a narrow hallway which brightened into an enormous room, its floor-to-ceiling windows providing an endless view of the nebula. She was wearing an old N7 t-shirt and dark leggings – practical, but adorable nonetheless. He simultaneously wanted to pull her in for a hug or throw her against the wall to kiss her breathless all at the same time.

Instead, he followed suit, politely taking a seat at her kitchen table. “Wow. You weren’t kidding about breakfast.” There was a rich expanse of delicacies, both human and otherwise, that spanned her table in heaping amounts. Steam rose from a bowl of scrambled eggs, what looked like an asari dish that resembled bacon, even volus pastries that were sprinkled in sugar were piled high in one corner.

He raised an eyebrow in curiosity. “How is it only days after the Citadel was almost blown to pieces, when almost every shop is either closed, under repair, or completely demolished – you manage to find us the most elaborate meal I think I’ve ever seen?”

She laughed, a mischievous grin on her face. “Spectre perks. Turns out the Council chambers are still privy to the finest food around. They’ve even made an extra effort in my honor, being the first human and all. I was told that eggs are a recent addition to their menu.”

“Well, now I really do feel special.”

“You should. This is our first official date, after all. Thought I’d try my best to impress you. I think I even got enough food to keep up with your infamous biotic metabolism.” She winked, taking a seat beside him and helping herself to a pastry with childlike glee.

He flushed a bit, wholly unprepared for her thoughtfulness. “First date, huh?”

“Yup. Why, would you call it something different?” She said around a mouthful of dough, and he chuckled at the sight. The galaxy’s savior, relishing in sweets like an innocent little girl. It would be adorable if he didn’t know firsthand the many different ways she knew to kill a person.

“No. I…I like that. I just wish I’d known, I would have brought you flowers.” He smirked at her, heaping eggs onto his plate eagerly.

“Somehow, I don’t doubt that.” They ate in silence for a moment, before his curiosity got the better of him.

“So, do I get to know how your discussions with the Council went, or do I have to wait until the second date to earn that privilege?”

She shook her head, swallowing a mouthful of coffee. “Uh uh, none of that talk in here. You most certainly do get to know, and I can’t wait to tell you about it.” She reached a hand over, grasping his heavily as she caught his eye. “But for now, you’re my date. I’m Jane, and you’re Kaidan, and we leave our titles at the door. Deal?”

Jane. Just Jane. He was more than happy to do that. “Deal.”

“Good. Now, what’s your favorite color?” She asked him seriously, removing her hand to go back to stuffing her face with another pastry. He stared at her, a little dumbfounded.

“My favorite…wait, what?”

“Your favorite color. Come on, we’ve gone about this all backwards.” She sent a sly smile his way before continuing. “I realized this morning that while I know the sounds you make when you orgasm, I quite literally have no idea what your favorite color is.”

He choked a bit on his bacon, a blush creeping on his cheeks. She always had a way of making his brain get stuck.

“I, um…uh, blue. My favorite color is blue.” He finally said, sighing exasperatingly as she chuckled at him.

“There. Now I know two things about you.” She said triumphantly, scooping another heap of eggs onto his plate. He took a bite gratefully, shaking his head at her candor.

“Just two, huh?”

“Maybe a bit more than that.”

“Like what.”

“I know you always leave yourself a way out, and that’s why you never asked me on this date yourself. You were worried I might say no.”

He raised his eyes to meet hers, widening in surprise at her ability to read him so well. He chewed thoughtfully, thankful that there was a warmth in her smile that told him she liked that about him.

“That’s right.”

“But you wanted to ask me earlier.”

“I wanted to ask you the moment I met you, Jane.”

_Finally_. A look of surprise passed over her face, and she leaned back to look at him inquisitively. He met her scrutiny head-on, chewing silently with an open expression.

“You’re always so honest with me.”

“So are you.” He said pointedly.

“I really like that about you.” She spoke clearly, crisply, then contemplated her words. “Not many people are comfortable enough with themselves to be able to…well, to talk to me that way. They get the Commander Shepard confused with the Jane.”

“I think when a person has gone through something terrible, they either come out stronger for it or let it crush them. It seems to me that you and I fall into the same category with that. You’re a person who’s been through a lot, but you’re still human.” He put his fork down, swallowing heavily. “And while I’m impressed with Commander Shepard, who I really want to get to know is Jane.”

She eyed him silently, a soft look on her face. “Jane wants to get to know you, too.” She said finally, quietly.

He smiled brightly at her, enjoying the way her eyes lit up when he did so.

“So, uh…in case you didn’t notice, I’m still stuck knowing only one thing about you so far.”

“Oh? And what’s that.” She smiled wickedly at him, seemingly enjoying the path he was taking this.

“The beautiful face you make when _you_ orgasm, ma’am.” He leaned back in his chair with a smirk as she laughed. “No, but, uh, seriously. What’s your favorite color?”

“Green.” She said simply, still chuckling.

“Why is that?”

“Because it’s the opposite of death.” She said wryly, poking at some eggs. “Where’d you get the scar on your lip?”

“The Theshaca Raids. Lead a rescue op to find a covert fighter pilot. His tank blew, a bit of shrapnel caught me, and the medic in me used the last of my medi-gel on him instead.” He touched the faint line, as though forgetting it were there. He opted not to mention how he noticed her gaze linger on his lip longer than was entirely necessary. “How did you know I wouldn’t report you for flirting with me?”

“When I caught you staring at my ass instead of the dancing asaris in Chora’s den.” She smiled wickedly, watching him sputter indignantly in protest. “Ah, ah, ah, Alenko, I know what I saw. Need I mention the little slip-up you had not too long after? Something about me being a beautiful woman?”

He blushed at that, running a hand behind his neck in a guilty gesture. “Alright, you caught me. No need to remind me of my awkward agony in that moment.”

“Aw, it was sweet.”

“Well, it somehow encouraged you to start hitting on your Lieutenant. I suppose I’m not going to complain about that.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t need much convincing.”

“It doesn’t, but thank you.” He smiled warmly at her. “You, ah, make a habit of hitting on all of your subordinates?”

“No. Just you.” She replied stoutly, crossing her arms. He was silent for a moment, taking a contemplative sip of coffee.

“Just me?”

“Just you, Kaidan.” The way she said his name sent another pleasurable shock down his spine, unwillingly encouraging his brain to remember another time she had said his name. Although that time, it had had more reverence too it, higher pitched, breathless and needy. He swallowed the thought away, relishing in the unspoken meaning she had implied.

“One last question, Jane.”

“Shoot.”

He put his cup down, taking in her eyes, alight with humor and something else, too. Something peaceful and calm that he hadn’t seen before.

“Is it alright if I kiss you now?”

She laughed warmly, leaning forward to rest her elbow on the table, chin propped on her hand with a large grin. “Damn, Alenko, I thought you’d never ask.”

He barely had time to chuckle at her response, moving his body forward fluidly to bury a hand into her hair and press his lips on hers.

_There._

It was better than he remembered.

The hunger, the _desperation_ , from Ilos was gone, and it was satisfying to know he could finally take his time with her. She moaned into his mouth when he gently coaxed his tongue along her lips, a pleasurable tingle shooting for his groin when she parted her lips to give him access. Her fingers were gripping him tightly, one small hand cupping his face and the other stroking absently around the knee of his leg.

He pulled away from her sharply, her squeak of protest cut off when he dropped his hands to grip her tightly around the waist, heaving her out of her seat and plopping her down across his lap in one fluid motion.

“That’s better.” He said, smiling against her lips again at the impressed look on her face. She responded eagerly, nestling herself closer to him, letting her bare feet graze the floor on either side of his hips. His kisses were slow, thorough – she made impatient sounds that implied she wanted him to get on with it, but he was having none of it.

He’d spent months wondering what it would feel like to have Shepard in his arms just like this, embarrassingly given in to teenager-like fantasies of what she would taste like, how she would sound when he buried himself in her – now that he had that chance without the impending fear of death looming over them, he was damn well going to take his time.

He trailed his lips away from her mouth, kissing and nuzzling the skin around her jaw, up around her hairline, down her elegant neck. She allowed his ministrations, gazing at him with equal parts open curiosity and impatient lust.

His hands roamed her back, up along her sides, finally seeking permission with a gentle tug at the hem. She didn’t say anything, just crossed her arms and removed her shirt eagerly, tossing it somewhere behind him. He was met with an unexpected but welcome sight – not that of a standard military-issued sports bra, but one that cupped her breasts, pushing them up and showing off a rich expanse of her pale, creamy skin.

With one large hand, he cupped her breast gently, allowing the soft mound to fill his palm. She leaned eagerly into him, wriggling slightly in his lap at the contact. Catching her eye, he sent her a devilish smirk as he grazed one thumb over the thin fabric covering her nipple, making a pleased sound when it hardened under his touch.

“You trying to kill me here, Kaidan?” She said breathily. He chuckled, pleased.

“Quite the opposite, Jane.” He dropped his head forward, kissing a line down her sternum, inhaling deeply when he managed to bury his face between her breasts. She was panting lightly now, her hands impatiently running through his hair as he kissed along the skin of each soft mound, teasing where her skin met the fabric of her bra.

Good. She was getting restless. Unfortunately for her, he had every intention of showing her just how thorough and patient a lover he really was.

His fingers snaked up her spine, finding the clasp and undoing it expertly. He was rewarded with the fabric giving away, and he let out a loud, pleased sound as the straps fell from her shoulders, exposing her pale pink nipples to his delight.

“So beautiful.” He said, one hand against the base of her spine to hold her steady and the other filling its palm with her exposed breast. She flushed a bit under his compliment, eyes warming at how gentle and genuine his words were.

“Thank you.” She said meekly, and he got the sudden impression that she had been understating what she’d meant about people confusing Commander Shepard with Jane. It wouldn’t surprise Kaidan that a woman like her, a battle-tough N7 with extensive marine history, would have found it few and far between where someone, _anyone_ , had reminded her that beneath that tough exterior, behind the battles and the blood – there was a woman. A warm, responsive, stunningly beautiful woman.

The sudden thought made his breath catch. He was more determined than ever to remind her of that fact.

Dropping his eyes from her soft gaze, he pulled her back forward ever so slightly, just enough so he could take one pert nipple into his mouth. She gasped, emboldening him, and he suckled gently, laving it with his tongue, pleased at how tight and taut it became under his attention.

Satisfied, he promptly switched sides, kissing and suckling it until it matched the other. Shepard was wriggling painfully in his lap now, nails scraping through his scalp appreciatively, her hips seeking his in an attempt to relieve some of the pressure undoubtedly building.

“Bedroom, Kaidan. Now.” She panted at him, her skin flushed. He chuckled warmly, nuzzling the soft skin of her breasts again in response. He could already smell her arousal – he was having quite the effect on her. It was a realization that pleased him immensely.

An expert shuffle of her legs in her lap, and her groin grazed ever so slightly against his own obvious arousal. The small gasp it tore from him put a delighted smile on her face – he was already rock hard, but not anywhere willing to indulge himself just yet. She had plenty more of that creamy skin he needed to kiss and lick first.

“Not so fast. I’m not done with you yet.” He said heavily, willing himself to forget how warm and wet and inviting her body would be for him.

Not yet. He had other plans for her, first.

Before she could protest, he wrapped his arms around her waist, gripping her thighs as he stood and hoisted her up around his hips. Her breasts bounced enticingly in front of his face and he licked his lips unconsciously at the sight.

So did she.

“Uh, where…?” His voice trailed off, suddenly distracted by her wet, pink nipples and realizing he didn’t know where to go. She chuckled warmly.

“Behind me, Romeo. Door on the right.” He brought a hand up to squeeze the tight muscle of her ass in response to her jest, rewarded with a pleasant laugh.

A few short steps and he pressed her body up against the doorframe, using the wood as leverage so he could drop one hand to grasp for the handle. This was made difficult when she used this opportunity to pull him in for a kiss, massaging her tongue up against his. This of course made him fumble, a groan escaping his throat before he could stop himself.

She pulled back roughly, her nails pulling his head into her breasts with a breathy chuckle. He nuzzled the soft mounds again eagerly, almost forgetting why he was up against the door in the first place. With a small _pop_ , the handle finally twisted in his hand and her breasts were pushed back from his face as they careened into her bedroom, providing him with a few moments of a clear head.

Her arms wrapped around his shoulders, looking down at him from her perch around his waist with kiss-swollen lips, hair disheveled, a predatory look in her eye. He needed her naked and spread out before him as soon as possible.

For all his caveman-style entrance, he deposited her gently onto her sheets with reverent care. He untangled her legs – although, admittedly, he couldn’t wait to have those wrapped around his waist again soon – pulling her hair out gingerly from behind her shoulders before laying her flat, head against the pillows.

“Where you going?” She whispered huskily, hand reaching up for him as he kissed her on the tip of her nose and reared back on his knees. He slid his hands down from her cupped cheeks, grazing feather-light touches down her neck, over the soft skin of her breasts, taut stomach, running up the inside of her legs tantalizingly.

“I’m coming back.” He replied throatily, kissing her knee in promise. “I just need to look at you first.”

“Like what you see?” She cocked an eyebrow, her eyes sliding to his groin pointedly where his erection was straining against his pants.

“Clearly.” He chuckled darkly, his eyes roving over her exposed skin eagerly.

“Come and ravish me, then.”

“Patience, Shepard.” He paused, licking his lips as he considered his words. “I’ve waited a long time to see you like this.”

“Naked and ready for you to have your way with me?” She teased, her legs wriggling restlessly at the lack of attention. He hummed, thumbs rubbing at the inside of her knees.

“Well, yes, there’s that.” He spoke lowly, carefully. “But I was thinking more along the lines of being able to look at every inch of your skin. I want to hear every sound you make, get to know how you taste. I want to take my time with you.”

She inhaled sharply, the softest whimper escaping her lips. “And then?”

“And then I’m going to make love to you, Jane.” He said the words a little hesitantly, not sure how she would react to so bold a statement. To his immense pleasure, a pale flush crept up over her skin, her hips twisting in anticipation.

“You’re really going to make me wait, aren’t you Kaidan.” She said throatily, and he nodded firmly in response. “At least take off your shirt before you start. I’ve waited three whole days for that view again.”

He laughed loudly at that, rewarded with a soft giggle on her end which made her breasts bounce enticingly. With a swift cross of his arms, he tugged his shirt up and over his head, pleased with the appreciative stare she gave in return at the smooth flex of his muscles. He allowed her to trail her fingers down his chest, scraping over the soft hairs that extended down under his bellybutton and below his waistband.

As she made to stroke down along his confined length, however, he gently grasped her wandering fingers in his own, removing her touch. “Later,” was all he said, shifting his own hands to pull at the hem of her leggings. She lifted her hips obediently, helping to raise each of her legs so he could remove the fabric easily.

He groaned the moment the soft fabric dragged down over her hips.

“You trying to kill me, Shepard?” He voiced her words earlier with an incredulous sigh, raking a hand over his face at the realization that she wasn’t wearing any panties.

“Is it working?” She grinned evilly at him, spreading her legs slightly in eager confidence. He made a sound of agreement, taking in the rich expanse of creamy white skin that now laid bare before him.

“A little too well.” He admitted, exhaling a long breath. He willed himself to stay focused. He tried to commit this image to memory – Jane, completely naked before him. His eyes took in all the little details that made her _her_ , from the freckles that sprinkled across her shoulders, the perfect pale pink nipples, the tiny scars that dotted haphazardly across her delicate skin. He ran his hands up the lean muscles of her thighs, appreciated the hard lines of her abdominals, evidence of her life as a marine.

But he saw the woman, too, the soft curves in all the right places and the warm flush that had risen across her breasts. She stared at him with parted, swollen lips, allowing his inspection of her, unashamedly opening her legs just a little bit wider for him in invitation.

“You’re absolutely stunning, Jane. Just beautiful.” He mumbled quietly, running his hands on every bit of skin he could touch. Up along her arms, the curve of her waist, ghosting over the soft skin of her inner thighs, just skirting around her center that she so desperately wanted him to touch if her wriggling hips were any indication.

“You’re just saying that because you’ve got a naked woman lying in front of you.” She said throatily, but smiling nevertheless.

“No. I’m saying that because its true and you need to hear it.” He kissed the inside of her knee to show as such, nuzzling against the soft skin there. She was gazing at him warmly, an open expression on her face. He met her eyes, kissing a slow trail down the inside of her thigh.

Just at the cusp of her hip he paused, inhaling deeply and closing his eyes. Her scent was intoxicating, filling his sense and almost clouding his judgement. He could see the wetness already slipping out of her, the skin glistening and inviting. His fingers squeezed almost imperceptibly at the sight, already itching to bury themselves inside of her. 

She was holding a deep breath when he moved his face over the delicate skin at her center, releasing a frustrated huff when he merely ghosted over her, placing his lips on the inside of her other thigh instead. Smirking against her hot skin, he kissed and nuzzled his way up her body, intent on paying homage to every bare inch of it. He pressed warm, open kisses along her stomach, licking around her bellybutton, dragged his tongue up and around the edges of her breasts.

By the time he had made his way up her neck, nibbled gently along the shell of her ear, and finally pressed his lips to hers once more, she was panting and shifting restlessly below him, moaning in frustration.

“Don’t make me beg, Alenko.” She huffed hotly, kissing him eagerly and thrusting her hips up at him.

“On the contrary, I would very much like it if you begged.” He chuckled back, reacquainting himself with the taste of her mouth. He hovered over her, kissing her deeply, purposely keeping the pace slow while his other hand ran soothing strokes over the curve of her waist. When she nipped at his lips playfully he finally pulled away, sitting back again slowly. “Stay.” He said, pressing a hand on her sternum lightly when she made a movement as though to sit up. She narrowed her eyes, a playful smile around her lips.

“You weren’t kidding about taking your time.” She said lowly, and he nodded, running his hands along the outside of her thighs again.

“I wasn’t.” He said simply, pulling his legs back to shuffle farther down the bed. She was staring at him hopefully with bated breath, hips twisting in anticipation. He chuckled, encouraged, before finally placing one hand along her lower belly to hold her still, the other tentatively making contact with her soft folds.

She moaned lowly at the contact, throwing her head back when his thumb grazed the bundle of nerves nestled near the top. He ran his fingers along her slowly, parting her skin and running one large finger around the edge of her center, dipping in slightly to gather some of the wetness there.

“For all of your complaining, you seem to be enjoying what I’m doing.” He murmured jokingly, smiling when she snorted in response.

“I guess I’m a masochist, who would have figured.”

“Hmm.” He slipped one finger inside of her in response, rewarded when she released a pleased whimper. He took a deep breath to steady himself; she was every bit as warm and tight as he remembered, the sound of her slick wetness hitting his ears and shooting right to his still rock-hard erection. A thrill of anticipation ran through him, already envisioning how good it would feel to bury himself inside of her, her walls gripping his cock –

“More. _Please_ , Kaidan.” He closed his eyes for a moment, her wanton voice breaking his reverie. He couldn’t even tease her for begging; her voice was so sultry, so sexy and inviting, it restored his reserve to play her to completion.

He inserted another finger, pumping them slowly in and out of her, enjoying the way the flush on her chest seemed to spread along her arms and up her neck. He increased his pace, curling his fingers inside of her in a steady rhythm, watched as she took deep steadying breaths and let out strings of appreciative moans.

He was a quick and eager student, but she made it so easy for him. She was so responsive, so open and encouraging with her enjoyment. It wasn’t difficult for him to figure out how best she liked to be touched, sorting out quickly the rhythm and motion that brought her keenest sounds and wriggling movements. When her hips started twisting again, he assumed she was ready for that little bit more.

Sitting back up on his knees, he removed the hand on her abdomen, licking his thumb before gently caressing her clitoris with the barest flick.

She gasped at the contact, releasing a heavy moan. He did it again.

“ _Yes_. Fuck, yes. Just – just like that.” She panted eagerly, watching him fuck her with his fingers through half-lidded eyes. He couldn’t help but moan in response, his cock feeling much too tight in the confines of his pants. He increased his pace, grinding her bundle of nerves with his thumb while his fingers relished in the warm fluids still glistening out of her center.

He added a third finger.

Her back arched, fine beads of sweat breaking out along her skin. She was close; panting his name like a mantra, head tossing wildly upon the pillows. He curled his fingers into her, bringing his thumb back to rub hard, small circles into her clitoris, encouraging her on.

“That’s it, Jane. I want to feel you come around my fingers, just like that.”

She gave a short shout, crying his name out once more and then – her back arched, breasts heaved into the air as her legs folded in around him. He could feel the quake run through her, listened to her satisfied cries as she peaked, slowed his hand in time with the tremors that gripped his fingers from inside of her.

He pulled his thumb away, instead running soothing circles across her abdomen, whispering encouragement to her. When her body sagged and relaxed, the limbs stretching out weakly, he pulled his fingers out slowly to the sound of her satisfied moan.

That was all the time he gave her before he brought himself back down to her center, spreading her soaking wet folds and burying his face between her thighs.

“No, wait, Kaidan, I can’t –” Her weak protests were cut off by another breathy moan from her, and she watched dazedly as he lapped eagerly at her center, drenching his face from nose to chin in her juices, kissing and licking at her like a man starved.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited to taste you, Jane.” He said lowly, then dragged his tongue up along her slit to settle firmly around her swollen clitoris – and _sucked_.

She cried out, eyes rolling back as he suckled and lapped eagerly at her overly-sensitive nerves, feeling the crest of her first orgasm simmer quickly back to the surface. He placed his hand on her abdomen again, holding her still as she wriggled from the sensation, using the other to gently enter a finger into her once more.

She panted, hard, half moaning his name and half spewing out a string of unintelligible curse words before –

“ _Yes_!” She cried out again, back arching spectacularly, muscles taut, and he pulled his mouth away quickly from her oversensitive skin. He rubbed a soothing hand upon her stomach, lapping gently at her center as she eased down from her high. He kissed her skin, sliding his hands back up along her thighs as he sat back to stare at her contentedly, waiting for her to come down from her high.

God, she was beautiful. Even more so when she lay, flushed and sweaty and satisfied, breathing hard and hair in disarray from his ministrations. He could hardly believe it, that he was here with Jane, was the one able to touch her and bring her pleasure.

She cracked an eye open, mouth still parted as she sucked oxygen in eagerly. He smiled at her, still rubbing the soft skin of her thighs, waiting for her to tell him when she was ready for more.

She finally spoke, voice a little hoarse. “Is it my turn to see you naked now?”

He laughed warmly, sitting back and stretching his arms wide, wordlessly inviting her to finally touch him. She sat up eagerly, albeit a little wearily, snaking her arms behind his head to pull him in for a quick kiss. He responded eagerly, reminding him of the incredibly tight state that his pants were currently in.

This was a situation she rectified quite rapidly, much to his relief. Her hands raked down his chest appreciatively, tugging her lips from him to tug eagerly at his belt buckle. She undid the clasp, tore the buttons open down his fly, and slipped a hand eagerly down his briefs to –

He moaned, the contact of her hand on his hard cock blurring his vision for a moment. There was in all likelihood, he mused, a chance that this was the most pent up he had ever felt. She smiled wickedly at him, wrapping her fingers tighter and pumping him eagerly.

That was enough. He pulled her hand away, pushing his pants down from his hips, and she sighed contentedly when his cock finally released from its tight prison and came into view.

“Let me help.” She said, a hungry look in her eye, and she helped pull the offending fabric down his legs, tearing off his socks in the process and leaning back to her position amongst the pillows. “Now this is where you finally fuck me, right?”

“Wrong, Jane.” He crawled atop of her eagerly, closing his eyes as she purposely dragged her hips up to graze the heavy underside of his erection. He kissed her again, burying his tongue in her mouth, grinding himself into the soft skin of her stomach. “This is where I make love to you, remember?”

“Ever the gentleman, Alenko.”

“You deserve it.” He said throatily, reaching down to line himself at her entrance. She was gazing at him curiously, eyes full of lust to be sure, but something else too; something warm and inviting. Spreading her legs wide in invitation, he angled himself and finally, _finally_ , buried himself inside of her in one swift motion.

“ _Fuck_.” He moaned with a gasp, reining himself in as best he could. She was just as wet, as tight and warm and welcoming, as he remembered. He closed his eyes tightly, burying his face into her neck with a groan as he stilled. He tried, for just a moment, to block out her voice, saving those memories for later –the sound of her voice as she moaned appreciatively about how _good_ he felt inside of her, how _deep_ he was, that she wanted _more_.

He’d try to remember those words again when her walls weren’t gripping his cock tightly, when he wasn’t at risk of finishing a little too prematurely for his liking.

After a few moments, the overwhelming rush dissipated, and he nuzzled his face up along her neck to catch her lips in a gentle kiss. She responded eagerly, running her hands though his hair, but patiently keeping her hips stilled as though knowing he would set the pace when he was ready.

He kissed her languidly for a few seconds before pulling away, placing on last kiss at the tip of her nose, gliding his hands down her body as he kneeled himself back, carefully keeping himself sheathed inside of her. He gripped her thighs under her knees, pinning her legs into the mattress on either side of her chest, carefully balancing most of his weight on his legs.

Carefully, slowly, he pulled himself out, almost to the tip, before burying himself back inside of her.

“Oh, _god_ , Kaidan.” She hissed sharply, her calves flexing appreciatively from either side of his head. He grit his teeth, trying to ignore the sharp jolt of pleasure that snaked down his spine at her encouragement, concentrating on his movements instead.

This position was tight, his weight pinning her body to the mattress firmly, allowing strokes that were solid, consistent, his hips driving into her at a steady pace. He was already so wound up he was shaking. The urge to drive himself over the edge was unbearably tempting at the feel of her gripping around his cock, the sounds of her wetness and their skin on skin only serving to make his balls tighten greater in anticipation.

“ _Fuck_.” He said through gritted teeth, swimming through the haze of pleasure stubbornly. He was thirty-two, damnit, not eighteen, and he was going to damn well hold off until he had her crying his name out one more time.

She was close, he could tell. She was tossing her head from side to side, taking deep breaths, breasts bouncing enticingly with each strong thrust. Her hands were everywhere – pinching her own nipples, raking down his chest, wrapping themselves behind his head. He watched her avidly, taking in every pleasurable sigh that escaped her lips, watched as a rosy flush began to spread across her chest again.

“Please, Kaidan.” She moaned, opening her eyes. She watched as he moved himself between her thighs, appreciatively grazing up his stomach to make eye contact with him. He clenched his jaw, willing himself to focus, for just a few more thrusts, trying to stop his arms from shaking.

“God, you feel so good.” He huffed out, a deep groan escaping him to match her own. She did; the knot of pleasure was putting unbearable pressure at the base of his spine, his cock rock-hard and ready to burst. But still he kept the same steady pace, sinking into her deeply, egging her on through clenched teeth. “Come for me, Jane.”

“ _Kaidan_.” She held his gaze, her spine arching ever so slightly. “I –”

“That’s it. I want to hear you.” He said hoarsely, his hips stuttering. He couldn’t help it; a biotic ripple of blue flared along his skin. She gasped at the contact – she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

“ _Oh, god, yes, Kaidan –_ ” She cried out, back arching spectacularly up into his chest as she came. A sudden rush of warmth and he dropped his hands, resting his body weight on his forearm he grasped her ass in his other palm, burying himself in her. He gasped her name, finally allowing himself to come undone.

The rush of pleasure that burst from his cock made his vision blurry. He vaguely remembered moaning her name, holding her tightly in his arms as shades of blue rippled down his skin while her hands ran soothing circles up his back.

They lay like that for several minutes, and he carefully maneuvered his weight so he laid cocooned in her arms, head resting upon the softness of her breasts. She was scrambling for air as much as he was, content to enjoy the quiet of post-coital relaxation.

“You win.” She said finally, her voice carrying the whisper of a smile. He raised his head dazedly to look at her, a contented grin on his face. She smiled eagerly right back.

“How so?” He replied, voice hoarse.

“That was well worth the wait. So, you win.” She sighed happily, pulling his head back down to her chest. He smirked into her soft skin, feeling a pleasant fluttering in his chest.

He was absolutely a goner.

“When’s your next meeting with the Council?” He finally mumbled into her skin, already dreading her response. Her answer meant he would eventually have to leave her company.

“Ten minutes ago.” Her wry voice responded. He whipped his head around, sputtering.

“Ten minutes – wait, _what_?”

“Don’t worry, Kaidan. I wasn’t planning on going anyway.” She pulled him up for a kiss, smiling against his lips. “Especially not when I have you naked and in my bed.”

“But, what – aren’t you going to get in trouble?” He stammered out between kisses. It was hard to care when she had her lips pressed against his.

“Maybe. But I doubt it.” She pulled back with a reassuring smile. She sighed, turning serious. “It’s been three days. We saved the Citadel. I told them as much in our last meeting; I’m a soldier, not a politician. They have my reports, I’ve earned some shore leave as much as the rest of my crew.”

“Valid point.” He pulled back, wiping a stray hair from her face. “Although, something tells me that laying naked in bed with your Staff Lieutenant wasn’t exactly what they had in mind for your shore leave.” He smirked, raising an eyebrow.

She laughed heartily, wriggling her own eyebrows back at him conspiratorially. “I suppose you’re right. Well, too bad for them. I’m fairly certain that Commander Shepard and Lieutenant Alenko are off-duty on a well-deserved shore leave. Which means I’m Jane, and you’re Kaidan, remember?”

“Right.” He kissed her again, trying not to overthink the warm feeling stirring in his chest. “So, did this count as our first date, or do I have a chance to convince you to extend it for a little while longer?”

“Well, funny you should ask. I was thinking I could have you over for our second date. Lunch, at my place.” She pointed a finger into his chest, smiling warmly at him.

“What time? Maybe I’m busy.” He voiced mock smugness, eyebrows raised coyly.

“What time is it now?”

He glanced over her shoulder. “It’s…0955 Citadel time.”

“I was thinking 1000 hours. You free?”

“Fortunately, yes. But I should warn you, I do have plans at 0600.”

“Oh yeah? What kind.” She kissed his skin, planting her lips gently across his chest.

“Dinner plans. Third date. Really looking forward to it.” He said huskily. She laughed, a flirtatious smile on her swollen lips.

“Funny, I myself have plans for a third date at that exact same time.” She continued a feather-light path up his neck and across his chin.

“He must be a lucky fellow.” He sighed, dipping down just enough to capture her lips with his.

“That depends on how much he enjoys sitting on the couch and watching vids all night. Because that’s about all the entertainment I can muster.” She closed her eyes, smiling against his mouth. “I really like kissing you.”

“I like kissing you, too. And I also really like sitting on couches and watching vids.”

“How does an entire weekend of sitting on couches and watching movies with your commanding officer sound?”

He smiled, cupping the line of her jaw softly in his hand. “It sounds like a perfect way to spend shore leave.”


	43. Entry 9: [E] Ilos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2183  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-1  
>  **Codex** : _“Of all the intimate gestures they had shared up until that moment, it was that one that made her heart stop. It was a kiss of acceptance, a gesture of appreciation, a show of affection that ran deeper than maybe he was able to put into words just yet.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: explicit sexual content]

He looked so peaceful.

It was just after 0500, and Shepard couldn’t sleep. At least, she had given up on trying. Her head was full of too many thoughts, her body alive with too many touches, her blood pumping from a mixture of relief and anticipation, all at the same time. She simultaneously wanted to bury her boots into Ilos soil, to get the impending day over and done with, but also stay here, warm and safe in her cabin, to never leave.

Because leaving her cabin meant leaving this moment. And this – well, she wanted to remember this moment, every tiny piece of it, to store its perfect little details into a part of her mind where she could never forget it.

Which was how, when she’d woken fitfully for what felt like the dozenth time, she’d carefully burrowed further into his arms and pretended that she wasn’t Commander Shepard. Maybe, for a brief few moments, she could just be Jane. Maybe Jane didn’t have to fight today, and instead she could stay wrapped in the comfort of his embrace and sleep the day away.

It was a nice thought. Kaidan was the only man who had ever made her feel that way.

She looked at him, at how relaxed his features looked when he was lost in so deep a sleep. They were still tangled in her sheets, his arm tucked under her head from the embrace they had collapsed into hours earlier. Their activities had certainly given him some much-needed rest; the dark circles that had been plaguing under his eyes after Virmire were all but gone, the tense lines seemingly always present between his furrowed brows had eased, his skin smooth and flush. He was breathing deeply, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm, his dark lashes fluttering against his cheeks.

He really was handsome. Her chest clenched in an unfamiliar way when she gazed along his form, running a finger ever so lightly along his cheeks, down his sternum and touching where the bedsheet slung low across his waist. She felt so… _alive_ , right now. So at peace. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt that way.

There was something about him that drew her to him. She tried to contemplate what it was – was it the way he remembered every tiny detail about her, always noticing her routines and her preferences, so he could kindly make her day a little smoother? Like how he made her coffee every morning, with the exact amount of cream and sugar he’d seen her put in on her very first day aboard or the Normandy? Or how he would set the Mako driver’s seat to cushion setting 3, which was a little low for the average rider, but he knew how much she liked to feel the bounce when they landed? Or her favorite, when he would turn the volume off on the diagnostics console outside of her cabin at 2300 sharp, because he knew that was when she turned the light off from under her door?

Maybe it was the way he blushed under her comments, how she was always able to make him sputter his words as though she had taken him by surprise. It was addicting, in a way, to have a man as confident, as intelligent, as well-worded and well-put-together as Kaidan Alenko, flush his cheeks and mumble beside himself when she dropped an unexpectedly blunt flirtation into their conversation. To see his calm and collected self crack, just for a moment, his self-control slipping when his eyes would flash with this heady look of pure _want_ that sent a rippling tingle of warmth straight to her core.

She smirked. A vision of him moving atop of her, swathed in the rippling blue of dark energy, flashed in her mind. He’d certainly lost his control last night. It was the sexiest thing she had ever seen – and also the most beautiful.

She’d spent months getting to know him, trying to understand what made the man tick. He was careful with everything that he did, always thinking it through before coming to a decision. Being rash, acting impulsive, breaking the rules were not things that Kaidan Alenko did very often, she had gathered.

She supposed sleeping with his commanding officer was arguably the most impulsive act he had ever indulged in.

And had he ever taken her for surprise. She’d guessed that he would be a passionate man – he never took anything lightly, always giving his everything or none at all – but she hadn’t been prepared for the careful way in which he would hold her, the tender kisses he would place on her forehead, the way his eyes asked for permission every time he touched a new part of her skin. She felt precious, revered, in his touch, warm and safe in the way that he handled her.

No, she’d certainly never experienced a lover like him before. Her sexual history was spotty at best, the occasional late rendezvous with a fellow marine that was all business. Her lifestyle wasn’t exactly privy to romance, and she wasn’t very good at it either. But she was still an emotional person in her own way. She found it was easier to not get attached, to not expect anything from her partners so it wouldn’t hurt her feelings when they inevitably left.

But Kaidan…Kaidan made her want _more_. He made her feel wanted, made her feel feminine and beautiful. He made her feel like he couldn’t get enough of her. She’d never felt that way in her life.

She sighed, rubbing tiny circles into the narrow cut of his hip with her fingertips. She didn’t really know what to make of him. What was she really expecting from this?

She’d been impressed when he’d entered her cabin last night. In an odd way, she was cheering him on from afar – _that’s it, Alenko! Go get your woman! Break those regs!_ He deserved it; the man could use to forgo his rigid control for once. And while she had spent more than one night these past months coming to the thought of him, alone in her bed with just her fingers, she had failed to accurately imagine just how _intense_ he would be.

He really did give everything. He was so open, so generous with his affection. All she’d had to do was open the door in invitation.

The second her lips had touched his, his infamous resolve had slipped, and he’d tightened his large hands around her as though he suddenly wanted to touch all of her but didn’t know where to begin. They’d kissed, his tongue exploring her mouth thoroughly, a soft needy moan rumbling from his chest. She vaguely remembered being pressed against the wall, his lips trailing down her neck, fingers tugging at the shirt of her BDU’s.

_“May I?”_ His husky voice had asked, and she’d nodded eagerly, lifting her arms over her head to speed the process.

She was used to this chain of events going in a different direction – whereas in her limited experience, men had typically gone for the main event, sparing little time on her comfort and relatively disinterested in her preferences. But Kaidan had made every single second about her, always testing with his hands and his eyes, asking silently for permission, determining by her body language and her sounds what she did and didn’t like. He was curious, aptly learning, and eager to please her.

So she’d allowed him. Half because she was so taken back by gratitude, and half because she was deathly curious by just how good he was making her feel. He’d kissed along the soft skin of her neck, cupped and teased her breasts with his fingertips, eagerly leaning down to lave one pert nipple with his mouth. His hands were everywhere – stroking along the curve from breast to hip, running down her back to gently cup her ass, twisting in her hair to kiss her softly. He’d eventually crouched low, pulling her shoes off with gentle care, looking up at her with flushed cheeks in silent question.

When she’d attempted to pull her pants off herself, he’d stopped her, taking the material softly in his fingers. He made sure to entangle the fabric of her panties, pulling them slowly down along with it, and she watched with her body tingling as he took every inch of her skin in with his eyes. She lifted each foot obediently, him kissing each calf as she slipped out of the confines of the fabric, before she finally stood naked before him.

And he’d _moaned_. It was the sexiest sound she had ever heard – husky and deep and full of want.

_“You’re so beautiful, Jane.”_

He ran his hands up along the length of her legs, pressing a chaste kiss low on her belly, before making his way back up to her lips. She could feel him, hot and hard against her stomach, and she swore she’d never been so aroused in her life. She felt powerful, like a feminine seductress, emboldened by his careful revere.

So she had tugged his own shirt free, watched as he had bashfully pulled it over his head, his breath uneven. She’d ran her fingers over the hard planes of his chest, making his olive skin prickle as she’d traced the skin down his abdomen, making short work of his buckle. He stepped back obediently, his eyes on hers as she’d pulled the fabric down the thick muscles of his thighs, almost not hearing his sharp intake of breath when she’d released him from the confines of his briefs, her blood pounding in her ears.

God, she wanted him. She wanted to feel him inside of her, to watch his face when he came. So she touched his erection softly, stroking it gently in her palm, was rewarded when his eyes shuddered shut at the contact.

It had been easy to push him back to fall upon her sheets. She’d taken a moment to gaze at him, at the man that lay before her, his eyes warm and inviting, his cock hard and ready for the taking. And she’d crawled atop of him, spurred on by the way his eyes watched her body slide up along his, meeting his smiling lips as he’d encircled her in his arms.

He’d pulled her in eagerly, twisting her underneath him, pressing his body into hers. It tore a gasp from her when he finally slid himself home, pushing himself in to the hilt, him burying his face into her neck while she wrapped her legs eagerly around his waist, urging him on.

They had been so wound up, it hadn’t taken either of them long to find their release. Her cabin had been filled with so many delicious sounds – the sound of skin on skin, her gasps every time he touched that spot deep inside of her, the low moans that poured freely from his lips. He’d been shaky in her arms, his jaw clenched tight as he’d held off his own release until she had came, back arching gratefully into his chest, his name on her lips.

In her pleasurable haze, she saw an image she was sure would burn in her memory forever. For the briefest of moments, she’d been confused, concerned even, wondering what was happening. He exhaled her name sharply, tendrils of blue snaking down his arms curiously. And when he came – she had gasped, again, a blue aura of dark energy encircling them both for the briefest of moments as his hips had stuttered helplessly into hers. It tingled her skin, made goosebumps prickle along her body, sent a ripple of pleasure through her core.

It felt amazing. It was beautiful. It was raw and open and it had meant everything to her. She understood, as he lay shuddering in her arms, the level of trust that he’d wordlessly confided in her by allowing her to see him like that.

From her perch beside him in her bed, she smiled. Her fingers were still rubbing soft circles into his hips, her eyes taking in his sleeping face curiously. She remembered the way he had looked at her after, a mixture of pleasurable gratitude and vulnerable curiosity. She supposed a conversation about biotic bed tricks probably wasn’t something he’d have been apt to warn her about – he was oddly guarded about his biotics, protective almost – and his gaze held onto hers, waiting.

Waiting for what, approval she assumed? Perhaps he was embarrassed by his obvious lack of control in that heated moment. Did he always flare like that when he orgasmed? So she’d done the only thing she could do, the only thing that felt right, the only thing she was really good at.

She was honest.

_“We’re going to have to do that again, Kaidan. I want to see more of that.”_

_“It doesn’t, uh…it doesn’t bother you?”_

_“Are you kidding? It felt amazing. You…are amazing.”_

He’d stared at her, his eyes open, still sucking in deep breaths while sheathed inside of her. He hadn’t said anything, just smiled a tiny smile and leaned forward, pressing his lips tenderly to her forehead.

Of all the intimate gestures they had shared up until that moment, it was that one that made her heart stop. It was a kiss of acceptance, a gesture of appreciation, a show of affection that ran deeper than maybe he was able to put into words just yet.

They hadn’t spoken anything else after that, just exchanged happy smiles, comfortably settling their bodies against one another to drift into sleep.

Well, _he_ had certainly fallen asleep. She had as well a few different times throughout the night, but she always woke up again, checking the clock frantically. Did they have to leave yet? Was their time up? She wanted to soak up every moment she had in his arms, to memorize the pattern of his breathing, to bask in his masculine scent.

To pretend that they would have more mornings like this, instead of walking into a battle that may be their last.

Which was how she ended up here, drawing patterns into his sleeping skin, feeling as though she’d gotten a weeks worth of sleep instead of a mere few restless hours.

He stirred suddenly, mumbling something incoherently. He shuffled, his hips flattening out onto the mattress and his arm pulling her onto his chest. Another deep sigh, and he slipped back into a steady rhythm once more. She smiled, wrapping an arm over his stomach and tucking herself deeper into his body warmth.

She had feelings for him. Strong ones. She couldn’t recall a time where she had felt this way about anyone before. Being here with him felt like coming home after a long, long time of running.

They had a few more hours before they would arrive to Ilos. She would soak up every moment of it that she could – every moment of being just Jane.


	44. Entry 8: Virmire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2186  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-1  
>  **Codex** : _“They didn’t say anything after that, just held onto each other, finding unspoken solace for a pain neither of them knew how to put into words._
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

It was to be the longest 34 hours of her life.

The Council had requested their presence to return for the Citadel for a formal meeting, and it took all of her willpower to concede, to hide the turmoil in her stomach and nod. To be the Spectre they expected, rather than the small, tiny human that she felt she was.

She had adjourned the meeting with her crew, holing up in her office as Joker set the coordinates in for Citadel space. There were 34 hours between now and their timely return, and she had every intention of not leaving her room until that moment.

_“But Ash died because of me…because of us.”_

Kaidan’s words rolled around in her head. Was he right? Was it because of them, of whatever ‘they’ were?

She sighed, dropping her head into her hands tiredly. She’d lost people under her command before. But this…this was different. It felt different, too heavy. She knew why.

Because she’d never had to make a choice in someone’s death before.

Previous soldiers, like Jenkins, had fallen due to anything from sheer dumb luck to sheer inexperience. Never before had the responsibility of their life fallen so squarely on her shoulders before. And now that it had, the dangers of fraternization had never fallen so heavily into her lap.

She had always treated frat regs with an air of indifference – it was part of being human, she reasoned. So long as the missions weren’t affected, and the staff didn’t cross any physical boundaries for the duration of the assignment, she had always felt that it was something impossible to stamp out completely. People built connections and fell in love all the time; soldiers or not, there was no real way to ensure it didn’t happen.

Granted, this was before she had ever been confronted with the temptation of fraternization herself. What happened down there was the epitomized version of exactly why those regs existed in the first place, and she felt angry that she had let herself succumb to that.

Or had she? She ran her hands aimlessly across her desk, thinking deeply. She knew the Alliance codebook back to front. She knew, logistically, she had made the right call.

Both Alenko and Williams had been equal distance from her position, at equal need for reinforcements.

Alenko was the senior officer.

Alenko was in charge of the bomb site, which was responsible for the success of the mission.

Saving Alenko looked good on paper. It was logically sound, it was the reasonable choice, but it just didn’t sit right with her.

Because the fourth reason, the reason she would not be able to include on her report to Anderson, would be that she would have saved Alenko either way. She would have saved Alenko if he were _not_ the senior officer, if he were _not_ at the bomb site, if he _had_ been farther away.

She would have saved Alenko regardless. Williams had had no hope to have been rescued. The thought crushed her.

She sighed again. What even were her and Alenko? She had been irresponsible with him, that much she knew. It was she who initiated their flirting, she who had been so brazen with her questions and her curiosity about him. She’d been addicted to the warm butterflies that floated around in her stomach when he would blush, fumbling slightly under her straightforward approach, taken back by her blunt honesty regarding her attraction to him. He just had this air to him – this humbleness, this confidence, and it drew her to him in a way no other man had.

They hadn’t technically broken any regs. Not yet, anyway. Sure, they had skirted around the possibility of shore leave, and whatever time they may spend together then. On more than one night, when she was too stressed to fall asleep, it had been to thoughts of him moving over her that had brought her to orgasmic bliss, his name on her lips as she’d finally drift to sleep.

No matter how logical the decision, no matter how technically sound it looked on paper, the burning guilt of Williams’ death would be a burden she wouldn’t relinquish anytime soon.

Standing, with the intention of drowning her thoughts in a long shower, her movements were stilled when she heard the quiet shuffling of movement outside of her door.

She checked the clock – it was 0300, Standard Earth Time. No night shift crew were assigned to this portion of the ship. Unless…

/////

Kaidan couldn’t sleep.

_“I’m sorry, Kaidan. I’d never leave you behind. I couldn’t. You know that.”_

His head throbbed, but not from a migraine. He tossed and turned in his sleeper pod, eyeing the empty pod next to him. Its emptiness resonated deep into his chest. Sighing, he resigned himself to a night with no sleep – he could rest during the day if need be, but clearly sleep would not be coming to him anytime soon.

He pressed the release button, heard the seals unlock and the soft sound of the ship’s engine hitting his ears. Stepping down, he quickly slipped into his BDU’s, shuffling to the mess to brew a cup of coffee.

He needed to occupy his mind. He needed to forget the resignation, the finality, the acceptance that had been present in Ash’s final words.

He also needed to get Shepard’s voice out of his head.

Waiting for the pot to brew, he mulled over her words again and again. Never in his life had he been so taken back by a woman before. He’d told her that he liked adventurous women, and his words rang more true than he had ever intended – Shepard was the epitome of adventure, the gun-slinging, strong, independent, fierce woman he had always dreamt of but had never seemed able to find. She kept him on his toes, challenged his logic, drove him to be a better soldier than he thought himself capable of.

She was stunningly beautiful, too. Sexy as hell. She was all that occupied his thoughts most days, a thought that both excited and unnerved him. Ever the diligent soldier, he was respectful and mindful of frat regs, and had been completely floored when she had first opened their flirting so brazenly.

Not only was his CO flirting with him, but she was also the most beautiful woman he could quite confidently say he had ever seen in his life. And those feelings were reciprocated? Never had he felt more lucky.

Until their luck had dried out, a mere few hours ago, when Ashley Williams had been left to die.

He sighed, pouring himself a large cup. He needed to occupy his mind. He headed to his usual position at the command console by Shepard’s personal cabin, pausing for a moment. Would she hear him? Would his movements wake her?

No, he reasoned, there was no way. He was quiet, he always was. Fiddling with tech had always been the only way he’d ever been able to shut himself out from the world. It was a technique he’d taken to during his time at BAaT; when things got too rough, too ugly, he would hole himself up in his cot, pouring over his omni-tool and learning it inside and out. This wire here, that nodule there, and within no time at all he’d developed a deeply personal love for technology in a way other people never understood.

It was an escape from something painful. And today, of all days, he needed that more than ever.

Placing his cup on the counter and wiping his eyes blearily, he took to scrolling through the various codes, looking for malfunctions. What had Shepard meant by that? That thought kept circulating his head, causing his fingers to stumble.

She had made the right command choice. Even from his biased perspective, he knew that she had. He was the senior officer. It was right there in the Alliance codebook. But there was more to it than that, she’d said so herself.

A part of him, a part he was scared to admit, believed she would have saved him no matter what. He had no idea what that meant.

A soft _swish_ hit his ears, indicating the movement of doors behind him. Stunned, he turned around guiltily, his eyebrows raised. The woman currently plaguing his thoughts stood before him, still dressed in her own BDU’s, her hair pulled back from her face and dark circles under her eyes.

Clearly, she couldn’t sleep either.

“I, uh…sorry, Commander. I hope I didn’t wake you. I can – I can go back to my pod, if I’m bothering you.” He said after a moment of silence, his voice hoarse. She shook her head.

“No, you didn’t wake me. I thought it might be you out here.” She paused, as though looking for words. “You can’t sleep either, Kaidan?”

The way she said his name, soft and carefully, gave him the impression that this was one of their ‘talks’. The ones where they dropped rank, where he could talk to her like she was a woman he was deeply infatuated with rather than his commanding officer.

“No, I tried, but…well.” He shrugged half-heartedly, smiling weakly at her. He didn’t know what to say.

“Hmm.” She agreed softly, taking a step forward toward him. “Can you forgive me?”

“For what?” He asked, confused.

“I…” She took another breath, another step forward. “I’m not entirely sure what for, I guess. I’m just…sorry.”

He looked at her, and for the first time he saw the woman behind the name. He didn’t just see Commander Shepard, he saw Jane. He saw someone beautiful, someone who looked like they had the weight of the world on their shoulders, someone who looked lost and hurt and maybe even a little scared.

He swallowed, putting his tools down and mentally preparing himself. He really hoped he was reading her body language right. “Jane.”

“Yeah?” Her voice sounded empty, a little hopeful. He caught her eye, taking a half-step forward. She was so close, he could count the freckles on her nose.

“Can I –” His voice trailed off, and he brought his arms up tentatively around her shoulders, pulling her body into his cautiously. She stiffened in surprise for the briefest of moments before relinquishing; her body sagged eagerly into his, her face burying itself into the crook of his neck.

He pulled her in tightly, wrapping his arms around the entire length of her back, one hand cradling her head carefully. She wrapped her own arms around him just as tight, slumping into him, pushing their bodies together so close that they touched from chest to knees.

They didn’t say anything after that, just held onto each other, finding unspoken solace for a pain neither of them knew how to put into words.


	45. Entry 7: Armistice Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2183  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-1  
>  **Codex** : _“It’s strip poker, Vakarian. You sure you’re up for it? You may answer more than one curious human’s questions tonight if you lose.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

“This is awfully kind of you, you know.”

Alenko spoke at her side, watching the scene before them with equal amusement. When Williams’ had brought up Armistice Day, Shepard had originally not thought too much of it. But she’d seen the faces of her crew, still reeling from a particularly troubling mission on Feros. They were exhausted. And sometimes, Shepard knew, a little bit of morale was all a crew needed to bring the spark back into their step.

They were a damn good crew, too. They deserved it.

So she’d placed an order with the requisitions officer, asking him to be discrete. She’d had Joker set the Normandy down on a remote and uninhabited world, citing a need to vent their lithium heat sinks. While Adams had initially stared at her confusedly, he’d grasped on but a moment later, an appreciative and humorous smile on his face.

It had been her favorite order so far, commanding the crew to gather in the mess hall to celebrate the Alliance holiday. They were gathered around, a few staff indulging in a cold beer or two, decks of cards flying across the tables as they chatted happily. They looked the most relaxed they had in months – even Pressly had joined in on a round of Skyllian five poker.

“This is a great crew. A little R&R can do wonders for morale. They deserve it.” She said easily, crossing her arms and taking in the scene with a smile.

“Well, still. Not many CO’s would bother. No beer for you?”

“Trying to get me drunk, Alenko?” She gazed at him from the corner of her eye, and was rewarded when a slight flush of pink rose to his cheeks.

“Not at all, ma’am. Just thought, no one deserves a little R&R as much as you do.”

“And here I was all excited.” He flushed again, sighing with a smile when he realized she was teasing. “But, no. Someone has to monitor the ship, and it certainly won’t be Joker this evening.”

She gestured to the table, wherein Joker was trying to initiate a game of strip poker. Williams had eagerly agreed, a few empty beer bottles lined up between them amidst raucous laughter.

“Ah, good point.”

“What about you, Lieutenant? You’re off-duty.”

“I am. But, I’m a biotic. And while I love my beer, that isn’t an authentic Canadian lager. It takes more than a generic colony brew to tempt me.”

“What does being a biotic have to do with it?” She asked, curious. His eyebrows went up, and he sent a hesitant look her way, as though momentarily confused.

“Oh, uh, biotic metabolism, ma’am. It takes quite a lot to get me buzzed, let alone actually intoxicated. So I prefer not to bother unless it’s a favorite of mine.”

“Oh.” She didn’t know. She’s seen his food rations, of course – he was the only human biotic aboard her ship, and the first she’d ever served with. So his specialty rations had surprised her, initially, and she’d genuinely wondered how it was possible for any one person to eat that much. Until she’d seen it in action, of course. When not on a mission, she felt like the man was always eating.

“You seem disappointed, ma’am. You trying to get me drunk?” He teased back at her, and she laughed eagerly. Good. He was getting better at this.

“I _am_ disappointed. Looks like I’ll have to go with a Canadian brand for our next Alliance holiday.”

He chuckled easily, crossing his arms with a bemused smile on his face. “I should be hurt. My commanding officer, trying to take advantage of me.”

“I would never. Let’s just say, I’m curious as what an intoxicated Alenko would be like. Something tells me he’d be very funny.”

“Hilarious, actually. But, wait, are you insinuating that I’m not already funny when sober?” He said, with mock hurt in his tone.

“Always funny. Dry sense of humor, I like that. But still reserved. I have a feeling that Alenko with a few beers would be a bit more – relaxed. Less cautious. Less formal.”

He smiled at her compliment, staring ahead at the scene ahead of them. “I do have trouble with that.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“Well, maybe, when this is all over –” He paused, chewing on his words, a slight flush to his cheeks. “Maybe you’ll get the chance to find out.”

“Just maybe?” She asked, teasing. He smiled.

“Maybe.” He kept his gaze from her, but his mouth was turned up at the edges. She noticed the scar on his upper lip, not for the first time, and had to bite her tongue in asking questions about it. That likely wasn’t a question that a CO would typically ask of her Staff Lieutenant, she reminded herself.

She turned her eyes back to the table. _Maybe_. That was certainly an Alenko way of answering – she recalled the conversation they’d had after Feros, wherein he’d stumbled over his words more than usual. He always left himself a way out – of a situation, of a moment, of an implication. He hadn’t explicitly stated about _them_ , but their light flirting had an overarching tone heavily-laden into it.

She didn’t suspect she’d ever get a straight answer from him until she’d made it clear that she wanted this as much as he did. At least, she _thought_ he did. She didn’t think it was a lack of confidence issue – on the contrary, Alenko was a very self-assured man – but rather one of careful decision-making, someone who had been hurt and wasn’t going to gamble himself in that way again so easily.

It made her curious, raptly so.

“Got room for one more at the table?”

A familiar flanging voice cut in amidst the chatter, and twenty sets of human eyes looked up curiously. Garrus Vakarian had strolled carelessly into the group, pulling a chair out for himself casually.

“It’s strip poker, Vakarian. You sure you’re up for it? You may answer more than one curious human’s questions tonight if you lose.” Ashley spoke up after a moment, gesturing to the table good-naturedly. Garrus laughed easily, pouring himself a glass of – turian brandy? Well that certainly hadn’t been on the requisition list. Alenko shot her a humorous look.

“Hey, now, don’t be so hasty. I’ll have you know that I’m an _excellent_ hand at Skyllian five.”

“Where’d you learn to play? I can’t imagine it’s big with turians.” Pressly asked keenly, eyebrows raised. Garrus smiled, taking the pile that Ashley slid over to him gratefully.

“It’s not. But when you work in C-Sec, you’re bound to work alongside more than a few humans. Not _every_ turian is willing to play nice, but you get that between any race. To me, though, it’s simple. You’re either a good cop, a good _person_ , or you’re not. Ended up drunk after more than one bad shift playing some rounds.” He took a sip, seemingly unware or simply unfazed by the curious attention he was getting. “I’m interested to see how you marines hold up to my old security team.”

Ashley smiled. Perhaps the beer had taken her edge off, but the usual air of indifference she typically held when around a turian – or any non-human, for that matter – seemed absent. If anything, Shepard noted pleasantly, she seemed to greatly approve of what Garrus had said.

Shepard had to agree.

“You’re on, Vakarian. Joker, you break.”

/////

An hour later, amidst a roaring crowd, Joker lost his shirt and Williams sat without any pants, shoes, or socks.

Vakarian remained fully clothed.

“You think Ash learned her lesson?” Alenko said good-naturedly at her side, and she shrugged, laughing at the happy scene before them.

“More than one.” She replied, and he hummed in response. “You don’t play?”

“I do. But, I’d prefer to keep my clothes on in front of the crew. Professional front and all.” He eyed her, smirking. “Can I expect a comment from you remarking about my endless formality again?”

“No, not at all. I don’t join in for the same reason. I’m happy to watch the crew play, but sometimes…it’s important to maintain that certain level of distance. You know?” She tilted her head, and he nodded, agreeing.

“Glad you agree, ma’am.”

“I _was_ thinking about one other thing, though, Alenko.”

“What’s that?”

“What are your rules regarding strip Skyllian five with your CO’s?” She said casually, taking a sip of her coffee while innocently avoiding his eyes. She wasn’t disappointed – he exhaled loudly, shaking his head as though trying to rid the smirk that crept onto his cheeks.

“None, ma’am. None at all.” He finally said, voice low. She smiled, patting his shoulder and heading for the elevator.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

His eyes followed her until she made her way around the corner and out of sight, content to let her crew revel in the festivities.

_Maybe._


	46. Entry 6: [E] Life On Frigates Is Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2186  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-1  
>  **Codex** : _“No, the creamy expanse of her legs in all their glory and the way he could see her nipples harden through the thin material of her shirt did absolutely nothing to quell the fresh ripple of desire that ran down his spine.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: explicit sexual content]

Life on a frigate was hard. Looking down at himself in the shower, Kaidan felt that this reality was particularly relevant for him this evening.

He sighed. He was a patient man, but he was still just that – a man. And no matter how patient a man he was, no matter how career-oriented, no matter how focused, there were still certain functions that could not escape him.

Like the temptation to jerk off in an Alliance frigate shower, for example.

He tried to fight off the urge, turning the temperature to cold and letting the water run its rivulets down his skin while he let his mind wander. For their part, the Alliance was pretty damn courteous to the personal needs of its long-mission marines. While first edition freighters had gone with the traditional open-shower scene, it didn’t take long for complaints to reach disgruntled engineer ears.

Since then, most frigates were graced with tiny, albeit individual, shower stalls. The Alliance was comprised of an approximately 70% male population, after all – he supposed it was in most ships best interests to accommodate this one, primal human need that no mere sleeper pod had adequate space for.

But he still didn’t like it. It felt rude, _wrong_ , somehow, to indulge himself in an area that he shared with his fellow crewmen. It was also inherently awkward – private stall or no, when there were others showering at the same time, it wasn’t exactly difficult to figure out what the other was doing. Many marines were upfront about it, joking amidst one another, goading each other on – that just was never in his comfort level. He wasn’t a prude man by any means, but he was conservative with a matter as personal as this.

He _particularly_ didn’t enjoy indulging himself while on the Normandy. Aboard perhaps on another mission, in a different time, with a different CO, this would have been the perfect frigate to engage himself with – the efficiency of the Normandy’s design led to less crew members than usual, and the stalls were particularly accommodating. In the three months they’d been aboard, he’d only once run into another crewman.

It was the reason _why_ he wanted to indulge that had him feeling guilty. Because lately, the urge for these self-indulgences were centered on one female in particular.

Commander Jane Shepard, his CO, to be exact.

He sighed, closing his eyes. This wasn’t working. He was harder than ever.

Leaning one palm on the shower wall, he brought his other hand to grip lightly around his arousal. A tingle of pleasure shot through him, tightening his balls, tempting him to stroke the shaft slowly.

His toes curled. How long had it been since he’d done this? Too long, he presumed. Sometimes, it was the simple pleasures that brought out the best stress relief.

He set a slow pace, breathing evenly, creating a slick friction with the soap to glide along his erection easily. With an exhale, he gripped tighter, shifting his feet as the familiar tendrils of pleasure began to pool low in his belly.

He couldn’t help himself – her face shot into his mind. He fought hard, for one glorious moment, to rid himself of the thought, but the way just the thought of her made the knot of pleasure twist inside of him quickly cracked his resolve.

He prided himself on being a respectful person, an honorable man. He felt guilty to think of Shepard as anything other than the reality of who she was –confident, intelligent, sharp as a whip. She was inherently good, always fighting the virtuous fight, selfless in her decisions. She was an incredible marine, an even more incredible leader, she was –

She was sexy as hell. He’d thought so the moment he’d first met her. He’d seen her on the vids, of course, because who hadn’t after the Skyllian Blitz – but it was _nothing_ compared to seeing her in the flesh. She had a marine’s body, tight and lean, strong and limber, the flexing of her muscles visible even within her hardsuit. But she was feminine, too, with long legs, wide flaring hips, and those breasts –

He swallowed a groan that threatened to erupt from his throat. He increased his pace, breathing a little heavier, sliding his hand along his erection in a vice grip. Dazedly, with his free hand, he flipped the water back to warm before bringing it back to the wall to support his weight.

He was this far gone. He might as well make the best of it.

God, those breasts. He tried his best not to look, he really did, but at this point he was half-convinced that she was doing it on purpose. It had been three months, more groundside missions than he could count, and so far she had taken him along with her on the ground crew each and every time.

There was a sort of rationality to this, he supposed. He was their top-trained field medic, after all. But even that wasn’t necessarily always relevant – simple survey missions, for example, had little need for a medic. Indeed, someone like Liara would have made a more logical choice. But it was always him, and she always seemed to enjoy those extra moments of jiggling herself into her hardsuit.

It _had_ to be on purpose. She would sit across the bench from him, slouched low with her under-layer half-zipped, and put her armor on from the feet up. Nobody put their damn hardsuit on that way. So every mission, he had to avert his eyes from the creamy swathes of skin that lay before him, her breasts pushed up and threatening to spill over the top of her sports bra while she made a show of wiggling her feet into her boots.

What it would feel like, to palm those breasts in his hand? Would her nipples be tight and pink? How heavy would they weigh in his hand? Would they bounce if he fucked her hard enough?

A small huff escaped his lips. Just the thought of her had him ready to blow in but a few minutes. If he weren’t so wound up, it would almost be embarrassing. He was stroking himself relentlessly now, his balls pulled tight, a tight knot of pleasure threatening to burst at any moment.

He thought of her again.

What kind of sounds did she make? Would she close her eyes in ecstasy, cry his name out loud? How would she feel like if he buried himself inside of her, thick and hard, balls pressed tight against her skin? Would she be warm, her wet walls gripping around his cock? Would she wrap those long legs around his waist, or would she throw them up over his shoulders?

He was close. He was rock-hard, his cock swollen and full. He touched his forehead to the wall, hips starting to thrust erratically as he chased his release, blue tendrils of his biotics beginning to dance across his skin.

How did she like to be fucked? Would she like to be on top, to have more control? He could certainly watch her breasts bounce better that way. Or would she like him to be on top, for him to take his time, to bury himself inside of her slowly, over and over again until she crumbled beneath him?

Or maybe she’d like to be taken from behind? He squeezed his eyes tighter at this, envisioning her tight little ass spread open before him, his hands gripping her waist as she cried his name out helplessly into the sheets –

“ _Fuck_.” He groaned, pumping his hand roughly. He came, hard, his spend bursting from him to land unceremoniously against the tile wall in long, thick spurts. He flared briefly, his biotics lighting the dim room for a quick moment. He was panting, finally releasing himself from his iron grip, suddenly feeling as though all the tension in his body had relinquished in that one spectacular release.

Feeling guilty, he began to clean himself up properly. He really didn’t like to think of her in that way – it felt disrespectful. She deserved better than that. But god help him, if he couldn’t keep her off his mind.

Closing his eyes once more, he let the water run over his skin for another few minutes. Maybe this would help clear his head…for awhile, anyway.

/////

Freshly showered, his intention was to grab a quick snack and head straight for the sleeper pods. It was late – he’d spent more time in the washroom than he had intended and it had already been a long day. By his clock, it was 0130 Standard Earth Time, well past the bedtime of most other marines.

All but one, it would seem.

A familiar shock of red hair was just visible behind one of the mess counters, clearly sifting for a snack as much as he had intended. Curious, and still attempting to rid himself of the vestiges of guilt that still clung to his freshly washed skin, he cleared his throat to announce his presence.

“ _Ow._ ” Her head shot up, knocking into the countertop rather unceremoniously.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” He spoke lowly, rushing forward. She laughed, standing up with a wave of her hand.

And quite suddenly, all of the blood that had been pleasantly running evenly throughout his body once more began their descent directly into his cock.

“Don’t worry about it, Kaidan. You just scared me, is all. I didn’t realize there was anyone else up.” She was smiling, but a little timidly. Perhaps it was because of her attire – he assumed she hadn’t expected to run into anyone at this hour. All she had on was a pair of sleeping shorts and a tight-fitting N7 tank top.

No, the creamy expanse of her legs in all their glory and the way he could see her nipples harden through the thin material of her shirt did absolutely _nothing_ to quell the fresh ripple of desire that ran down his spine.

“Uh, getting a midnight snack, too?” He finally said, albeit hoarsely. She nodded.

“Yah. Realized I forgot to eat dinner.” She took a bite out of a granola bar, handing one out to him. “Want one? They’re actually not bad.”

“No thanks. Biotic metabolism – I’d burn through that in ten minutes.” He smirked, crouching down, reaching in the back of the cupboard to grab one of the biotic energy bars instead. She hummed in understanding.

“Oh, right. Well…I’ll, uh, I’ll let you eat in peace then. I should get back to my reports.” She stammered out, avoiding his gaze. Was he imagining things, or was there a hint of pink on her cheeks?

“Right. Uh, goodnight, Shepard. Commander, I mean.”

“You too. Oh, and Alenko?”

“Yeah?”

“Sweet dreams.” She smiled at him, winking, before trudging back to her cabin with a quiet swish of the doors.

He sighed. How in the hell was he supposed to sleep now?


	47. Entry 5: A Holo For Sarah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2183  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-1  
>  **Codex** : _“I think what they’re trying to say, ma’am, is that your Mako-driving skills are more terrifying than a drunken krogan.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

“So we’re suiting up to go down and collect a bunch of rocks?”

Lieutenant Alenko eyed her wearily, sighing in disappointment. “It’s not just a bunch of rocks, Chief. Scans suggest that there’s a huge deposit of iridium down there. Do you have any idea how rare that is?”

“Nope, and something tells me that even if I did, I still wouldn’t care. Rocks are rocks, LT. You’re just a nerd.”

They had their hardsuits on, save the helmets, and were taking the elevator down to the cargo bay where the Mako drop awaited them. It was painfully slow; Kaidan had once remarked that whoever had designed the Normandy must have left this part of the design in turian hands as an ever-present test of patience.

“You just don’t appreciate something you can’t shoot at.” He said exasperatingly. She laughed.

“Damn right.”

The doors slid open, revealing a pair of long legs sticking out awkwardly underneath the Mako hull. Shepard was standing next to them, chatting animatedly with her helmet tucked under her arm.

“You did _what_ , now?” She was saying, and a flanging scowl could be heard beneath the metal as they approached. Garrus.

“I said, I added a second set of shock absorbers to the front and rear struts. I was with you when you landed this thing on Antibaar, I’ve seen how you drive. Trust me, you’ll thank me.” He responded with a muffled voice, the rest of his body emerging as he wriggled out from underneath.

“He, uh, he may have a point there, Commander.” Alenko said with a stiff smirk. Shepard sent him a withering scowl in return, but the upturned lips indicated that she found this as humorous as they did.

“Is there a problem with my driving, gentlemen?” She asked in her best Commander voice, and both Garrus and Kaidan avoided eye contact.

“No, ma’am.”

“Of course not. I was just concerned for your safety, is all, and the struts looked as though they could use some extra calibrating.”

“Mhmm.” Shepard looked unconvinced, the hint of a smile turning up her cheeks.

“I think what they’re trying to say, ma’am, is that your Mako-driving skills are more terrifying than a drunken krogan.” Ashley said, her back straight in her best soldier stance.

She laughed loudly at that, encouraging Kaidan and Garrus to let loose a small chuckle as well. “I’ll give you that, Williams, you certainly don’t lack for subtly.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“I’m not entirely certain that was a compliment, Chief.” Kaidan said, raising his eyebrows.

“Maybe not to you, LT, but for me? I’ll cherish that moment forever.”

“Alright, well, now that Garrus here has so thoughtfully recalibrated everyone’s favorite IFV, how about we go collect some samples?” Shepard said with a chuckle, reaching a hand down to grasp Vakarian’s outstretched talon. He took it eagerly, hauling himself up and dusting himself off.

“Wait! Uh, do you mind if I ask a quick favor, first?” Ashley cut in, suddenly sounding unsure. Shepard paused, her hands halfway up to pulling her helmet on.

“Talk to me, Chief.”

“It’s my little sister’s birthday tomorrow.” She paused, taking in the three sets of blinking eyes that were staring at her. “It’s just, she has this _major_ crush on the LT here and I think she would absolutely _die_ if I sent her a holo-image of us. You know, me the cool big sister, sending her a picture with the great Commander Shepard _and_ the guy she has the hots for. I mean, uh, Lieutenant Alenko. Sir.”

Kaidan’s face instantly turned a shade of light pink, while Shepard chuckled eagerly.

“Crush? What’s a crush?” Garrus asked obliviously.

“It’s another word for attraction, Garrus. Ashley’s sister here thinks Lieutenant Alenko is handsome.” Shepard said smoothly, and Kaidan shifted on his feet in response.

“ _Oh_. You humans have such an odd vocabulary.” He remarked thoughtfully, his mandibles flaring out in a frown.

Ashley grinned widely, spurred on by Kaidan’s obvious discomfort.

“Wait, what? How, I mean…how does she even know what I –” He sputtered awkwardly, until Ashley reached a hand out to cup his shoulder reassuringly.

“You don’t watch the news vids much, do you LT. We’re traveling with _humanity’s first Spectre_ , how do you think? Besides, it’s a compliment!”

“I think seventeen is a little young for me, Chief.” He responded dryly, smiling albeit himself.

Ashley had the distinct impression that he wasn’t used to getting attention for his looks, which she found odd. He was very good-looking, that much was for sure. Definitely not her type, but it still wasn’t hard to acknowledge the obvious.

“Yeah, yeah, we all know you’ve got a thing for red-headed Commanders, but give the girl something to drool over, alright?” She smirked wickedly, watching with satisfaction as his cheeks flushed an even darker red. It was too easy to rile him up.

“What, that’s not –” He sighed, running a hand through his hair awkwardly as Shepard burst out laughing once more. Her eyes had a mysterious look to them, and Ashley didn’t miss the way the Commander’s eyes roved over Alenko’s frame. It was quick, but it was there.

She thrust her tool out to Garrus, who grabbed it awkwardly. “You want _me_ to take it?”

“Yeah! Here, just stand back by the support ¬beam there. You can get the three of us in front of our favorite vehicle here.” Garrus shuffled awkwardly back, raising the tool uncertainly. Ashley pushed a still-beet-red Kaidan and still-laughing Shepard backwards towards the Mako, settling herself in between them eagerly.

Garrus looked at them through the tool, turning his head in contemplation. “Uh, are you ready?”

“Ready. Make it a good one, Vakarian.” Shepard said through another burst of laughter. On her other side, Kaidan sighed in embarrassment once more.

“Hey, and just think, if we die on the descent due to Shepard’s questionable landing skills, at least the Alliance will have a fun photo to remember us by!” Ashley remarked, and the tool went off with a soft _click_.

Shepard laughed all the way down to Amaranthine.

/////

Many hours later, covered in dirt and dust, Ashley took a moment to peek at that picture before sending it off to Sarah. It _was_ a good one. On her left, Kaidan was smiling stiffly, his arms at his side and a noticeable blush on his cheeks. She herself was beaming from the center, with a hysterically laughing Shepard beside her. The Commander genuinely looked relaxed – she felt a surge of pride at that, knowing how hard the Commander worked to keep up a tough bravado.

It was perfect. Sarah would love it.


	48. Entry 4: MSV Ontario

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2183  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-1  
>  **Codex** : _“When you go through something that changes you, something big, something that will always stay burned into your mind – that sort of thing follows you. Other people can’t see it, but you can. And when you carry something around like that, you learn to see it in others, too. I just wanted you to know…that you aren’t alone. Sometimes, that helps.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

It was four AM, and Shepard couldn’t sleep.

Her mind was abuzz with too many thoughts – a recent trend, nowadays – but it wasn’t the mission itself that had her concerned. It was how the mission had affected Staff Lieutenant Alenko that was making her restless, uneasy almost.

She’d come to rely on him, she realized. He was a calm presence in an otherwise uncalm environment – their assignment consistently went from bad to worse and, through it all, Kaidan had remained her reliable, logical, unwavering pillar of strength, seemingly unaffected by each day’s progressive shitstorm.

Until today, that is. The mission had seemed simple enough. Hackett had briefed her on the sensitivity of the situation – a human biotics activist group had taken an Alliance official hostage in response to his declining of a reparations treaty for those suffering with L2 implants. She of course had brought Alenko along, his own personal interest in the matter an added bonus to his own biotic prowess in the field.

But maybe she’d made the wrong choice. It was hours later, and she couldn’t shake the look in his eyes when they’d been stuck in the cockpit of the MSV Ontario – the flitting of emotions that had danced across his eyes, the briefest of moments when he’d looked at her, desperately almost, pleading silently for her not to harm anyone.

They’d made their way back to the ship, his eyes carefully averted, his mouth in a grim line. Not a single life was lost today, but he still looked as though he’d seen a ghost. He’d locked himself down in a sleeper pod before dinner.

Shepard knew all about ghosts. She saw them every day – and she knew how to recognize them in other people. Alenko had ghosts too; bad ones, she knew. He’d told her briefly about his experiences at BAaT. The thing with words was that they were always the tip of the iceberg – whenever someone would ask her about Elysium, a word as simple as “horrific” was not enough to do justice to the fear she had felt that day, to the mangled mass of bodies that had bled out around her.

So no, despite his telling her about BAaT, she knew it had to have been worse than he’d put into words. Kids had died, he’d said. She knew the side effects of the L2 implants – she’d read up on them thoroughly when she discovered that the Staff Lieutenant of the biggest posting in her career was sporting one – so if kids had died…well. Those must have been some ghosts, especially having seen that as a teenager.

A sudden noise made her ears perk up. It was coming from the mess hall.

She twisted her head, listening intently. _Again_. It was the coffee pot, the familiar beeps of someone setting a new brew. 

There were only two reasons why anyone could possibly be up at such an ungodly hour. It was either someone who couldn’t sleep or someone who was actively avoiding the presence of other people – and she knew just the person who was currently doing both.

She slipped out of her covers, pulling her hair back into a messy ponytail and walking quietly to her door. It slid open, and she peeked her head around the corner hesitantly, seeing a familiar frame hunched over the mess counter.

“Can’t sleep?” She said softly, trying to hold in a smirk when he jumped a bit, turning his gaze up to look at her. He had deep circles under his eyes, his skin looked pale – every symptom of a man who’d spent even more time gazing up at the ceiling than she had.

“Yeah.” He said quietly, pausing. “Sorry, Commander, did I wake you?”

“Not at all.” She said with a smile, keeping her tone light as she reached for a cup. “I couldn’t sleep either. Mind if I join you?”

He dutifully leant over the counter, filling her cup, the hot liquid warming her hands comfortingly. It was a long moment before he replied.

“I never mind your company, Shepard. But I think its best if I keep to myself for awhile.”

“I’ll make it short, I promise.” She said, pushing. He looked up at her, the warm brown of his eyes looking brighter against the dark rings of black. He smiled a little wryly at her request, perhaps unsurprised by her stubbornness. 

“Alright. I can’t promise I’ll be good company, though.” He hunched over the counter, cup between his hands, mirroring her own position across from him. 

“I didn’t ask you to be.” She smiled at him, then looked down at her own cup before continuing. “You know, it’s been ten years since Elysium. And I still think about it every day. People meet me, they hear my name – and they think about the Blitz, look at me like I’m some big war hero. Truth is, Kaidan, I was a kid. I was nineteen. And when Elysium happened, I certainly didn’t feel like a war hero. I felt a little girl who’d lost her home.”

His fingers were gripping his cup tightly, eyes downcast. He was silent, listening. She continued.

“From the moment I joined the Alliance, I didn’t have – anybody, to fall back on. I had no one to protect but myself. I have no family, I had no home. So the Alliance…became my home. Elysium was one of my very first groundside postings. I was a nobody, just Jane Shepard, Private 1st Class.”

He chuckled at that. “Hard to imagine.”

“It’s true.” She smiled, encouraged by his response. “When the first hit came – it was the dead of night. I was on colony duty, like many up-and-coming marines are. Three platoons were knocked out before we even knew what had happened. It was total chaos – many of the superior officers had already been killed, the rest were in disarray. Civilians – civilians were terrified, with nowhere safe to hide.”

“The SSV Agincourt was monitoring the skies, and they sent a radio com down to us, told us the situation. Terminus pirates. They would enslave anyone captured, kill anyone who resisted.” She took a long sip, letting the hot fluid soothe her throat and warm her belly. “I couldn’t let that happen. These people had everything that I never did. They had families, children – many had spent their entire young lives on Elysium soil.”

She sighed, keeping her eyes down even when she felt his own slide up to look at her.

“So, I did what felt natural. I stepped up, I took control. These – these civilians, my squad…they were the only home I’d had in my entire life. And I knew that I would happily die defending them. So I did. And – and people listened. I’ve always felt that my experience growing up, on the streets – it made me more empathetic with people, and I’ve always been able to get across to them in a way that others couldn’t. I think because I know what suffering looks like. They could see that in me.”

“I corralled as many people as I could, and together we built a plan. Everyone had a role to play. That was important, I think. To make everyone feel useful, you know. This was their home – their _real_ one, not the emotional one I’d created for myself – and they wanted to defend it, too. Any civilian who was willing to take up a firearm, did. The rest went to work in patching up holes along the defense line. We barricaded the colony inside of a makeshift fortress made out of cement mixers, rockface, and non-functional Alliance war machines. We sealed holes as they came. And we gunned down every pirate, slaver, and mercenary that tried to push their way through.”

He'd raised his head completely now, staring at her raptly. 

“I still remember, when the Alliance reinforcements finally came – they rushed forward, eager to shake my hand. A few already began to call me ‘hero’. They clapped my back, they wanted to know my name. But I felt sick to my stomach, Kaidan.” She took another sip, pausing to collect her words. “We saved that colony, sure. But so many people died. So many innocent people. We won the fight, but we did that by walking over their dead bodies, by sitting in mudpits that had filled with their blood. It wasn’t a clean victory. I lost a lot of my squad, even more civilians. And yet – everyone treated it as a celebration. When we came back home to Earth, they had – balloons, and parties, and all these people smiling.” 

“They only saw the outcome, not the means.” He said simply, and she nodded.

“Yes. Exactly. They awarded me a Star of Terra for my role that day – I know you know that, everyone knows that – but I never wear it unless I have to. Because to me, it wasn’t a day of celebration or victory. It was a day of loss. And that’s why I never talk about Elysium. I declined every interview request, I only shared my reports with the Admirals that requested them.” She finally looked up at him, smiling wryly. “It still weighs on me. I think about those people, every day. The dead bodies. The crying faces. The fear. I vowed to do better. For them.”

“That’s why you pursued your N7.” He stated, gazing at her curiously.

“That’s right. When the opportunity to enroll as an N1 was offered to me not long after Elysium, I took it. I wanted to ensure my position on the frontline. I never wanted to be a, a – a Captain, or an Admiral. After the Blitz, that’s all anyone ever said to me – that I was a natural leader, that I’d make a great strategist. But I didn’t want to be a spokesperson, I didn’t want to delegate orders only to sit back and watch it happen. Not that that role isn’t important – because it is – but because I wanted to be there with my men, in the dirt, protecting them personally. Because to me, that was the only family I had. And when you have nothing to lose – I guess you don’t have any reason to hold back.”

Her words trailed off, both of them staring at one another under the dimmed lights in the mess. His demeanor seemed thoughtful, more alert, than when she’d first seen him.

“I’ve never told anybody that.” She finally said, a little awkwardly. He raised his eyebrows at that, surprised.

“Why tell me now?”

“Because I see that look in your eye. I’ve seen it in myself. It’s the look of someone who’s seen too much.” She reached for the pot, pouring them both another cup. “Look, Kaidan. I’m not going to ask you if you’re okay. I know you’re not. And I’m not going to ask you to talk about it, either. My whole point was just to let you know that I understand. Not what you’re going through, specifically – and I’m not asking you to explain it to me – but just that I know what it feels like to go through something that other people can never understand. To take that burden on, alone. There’s no adequate way for me to explain what I saw on Elysium, just like I’m certain there’s no adequate way for you to explain what happened to you at BAaT. Maybe I made a mistake, today, in asking you to come along –”

“ _No._ It wasn’t a mistake, I wanted to be there.” He said sharply, gazing at her intently. She nodded, continuing.

“I’m certain that whatever you saw aboard the Ontario today was – conflicting, to say the least. Maybe overwhelming. I just want you to know that I’ll understand, if you need to take a few days off to gather your thoughts.”

He was staring at her, his expression unreadable. She met his gaze head on, calmly drinking her coffee. She would wait all damn night for him to say something if need be. She wasn’t really sure what she expected him to say, exactly – maybe a thank you, maybe a stubborn deflection, maybe he would laugh it off – but what she didn’t expect, was for him to crumble.

His shoulders sagged suddenly, and he exhaled loudly, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling while his hands gripped the counter. His knuckles were white, she noticed – he was clenching his fists.

“How do you do that.” He finally said. “How do you always know – you always know, just what to say.”

“I’m glad you think so. I was more or less shooting in the dark here. Glad to know I hit my mark.” She smirked, and he sent her an exasperated look. “Look. When you go through something that changes you, something big, something that will always stay burned into your mind – that sort of thing follows you. Other people can’t see it, but _you_ can. And when you carry something around like that, you learn to see it in others, too. I just wanted you to know…that you aren’t alone. Sometimes, that helps.”

She smiled at him, almost shyly, and he returned it gratefully. They stayed like that for a few moments, him stirring more sugar into his cup, her taking another long sip. His lips were turned up slightly now, his posture more relaxed. It made her happy to see.

“It broke my mom’s heart, when she found out what happened at BAaT.” His husky voice cut through the silence, and it was her turn to gaze at him raptly, silently. “None of the parents knew what was going on, while we were there. They, uh, they monitored our communications out.”

“They didn’t allow you to speak with your parents? Weren’t you there for years?” She asked incredulously. He nodded.

“More than two, actually. And it wasn’t that they wouldn’t let us talk to them, it was just that they… _amended_ , our letters home. They discouraged communication with the outside world, said it would distract us from our training. There were certainly no vid com chats allowed. Long story short, it wasn’t until I was back in Vancouver, shaken up and practically mute from what had happened with Vyrnnus just days before, that they finally began to find out what happened to us. Not every…not every kid made it home.”

He looked away, sighing again.

“And when I told them – my dad was furious. He almost quit the Alliance, right then and there. My mom…she was devastated. She took it personally, you know. They sent me there under the impression that it would help me. I was a really sick kid, growing up. Migraines all the time, teased constantly about my biotics. People looked at me like I was some sort of freak. I didn’t exactly have the easiest time making friends.” He grinned at her self-deprecatingly, shrugging his shoulders. “So when my parents found out that an Alliance-funded project wanted to take me and other kids in, to help us – they were thrilled. Not only would it help manage my pain and manage my abilities, but I had a chance to meet other kids like me, too. It seemed – well, it seemed great.”

“It sounds like BAaT ended up being more of a testing ground than a dormitory.” She commented quietly, and he nodded.

“Exactly. Well, I told you about Vyrnnus. You can only imagine from there. But – I got used to that, Shepard. I did. It wasn’t all bad. I did get to make friends, and it was nice being around other people who understood me. But not all of us were so lucky. Not everyone came home, and not everyone came back with a home to go to. Kids felt estranged, alienated from their families after being away for so long.” He ran a hand through his hair frustratingly, continuing. “I got reparations from Conatix directly, because of my involvement with the program ending. I didn’t know this at the time, but not everyone else did. I didn’t even check up on it until years later, because why would I?”

“You were a kid.” She pointed out. “You shouldn’t expect yourself to have thought about that at the time.”

“I was a kid, sure. At seventeen, I know I can’t really blame myself for that. But I still – I think about them, all the time. I got lucky with my implant, Shepard. I get migraines, sure. But the others – we were told that BAaT would help us manage the side effects of our implants.” He spoke slowly now, articulating himself carefully. “And it did help, in a lot of ways. We got to develop our biotics, learn how to control them. But none of that helped with the pain. Not really, not for the ones who were really suffering anyway. I watched kids bleed out from their damn ears, and Conatix still kept the program running. Kids had seizures, would black out from the pain, I heard more than a few of them cry themselves to sleep each night – but Conatix still pushed us, because they wanted to see what human biotics were capable of.”

“That must have been terrible to see.” She said quietly, heartbroken.

“It was.” He shook his head, gripping his cup again tightly. “Today was the first time I’ve seen another L2 in a long time. L2’s aren’t very common, not anymore. We were the, ah, earliest models of human biotics, so to speak. When the side effects of the L2 cropped up, it wasn’t long before biotics were being refitted with the L3’s, but even that had terrible odds of success. So to see so many, to see them so desperate like they were…” 

“You felt guilty.” She stated simply, and he nodded again, smiling gratefully at her.

“Yeah. I realized today that in spite of everything, I did get lucky. I could have been left to fend for myself, like everyone else was. Instead, I received a nice settlement. The worst pain I get is the occasional migraine. I live a comfortable life, I get to use my biotics for good – at least, I like to think I do – and all of that enabled me to forget how rare that is amongst L2’s. I forgot…about everyone else.”

He said the last sentence sadly, bitterly. 

“I understand why you’d feel that way, Kaidan. But – you made up for that, today. We got everyone out safely. I spoke with Admiral Hackett directly, and Chairman Burns is already putting a reparations request in. Maybe, what we did today, was finally enough to begin helping them.” She said uncertainly.

“But what if that isn’t enough?” He replied angrily, gazing at her again. “So they get settlement money, fine. But they’ll still get treated like terrorists. I don’t condone their actions today, Shepard. Kidnapping an innocent person, no matter how much of an ignorant ass they may be, is never okay. But they were _driven_ to that point. They were desperate, and it _is_ Conatix’s fault for getting them there. The Alliance, too, for sweeping it under the damn rug. People will still look at all this, and they’ll just see – a bunch of freaks, like they always have.”

“I don’t see a freak.” She said quietly. He sighed again, dropping his gaze back to the counter.

“I know _you_ don’t. But you – you aren’t like most people, Shepard.” He paused. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to get so – you know. I’m just frustrated.”

“It’s perfectly understandable.” She waved a hand at him, unbothered. “But you know, Kaidan. Maybe you already are helping.”

“What do you mean?” He asked, his eyes looking at her sadly.

“Just by – doing what you’re doing, right now. You’re a good person, Kaidan. A good man, a damn good marine. And you do damn good work, each and every day. I’ve seen it for myself, how genuine you are. How empathetic. You’ve touched so many people’s lives by utilizing your biotics. And I know – I know you’re just one person, and one person alone can’t make a difference.” She reached a hand over, clasping hers over his much larger one. “But it’s a damn good start. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and don’t underestimate yourself. Hell, if the Alliance had more people like you amongst its ranks – well, there wouldn’t be such a thing as biotic prejudice.”

He was quiet for a long moment, his fingers tightening over hers appreciatively. When he spoke again, his voice was hoarse, the pitch tight.

“Thank you, Jane. That means a lot to me. I never thought about it that way.” He’d begun rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand, and she tried to ignore the pleasant tingle it caused to run up along her skin. “Maybe…maybe you’re right.”

She smiled at him, a gesture he returned. 

“You think you’ll be able to get some sleep now?” She asked, teasing. He chuckled easily.

“Yeah, I think so. Thank you, for listening. For understanding. Just – for everything.” He shrugged again, his eyes warm and earnest as he looked at her. 

“Anytime.” 

His hand was still encased in hers, thumb still grazing her skin lightly. He held it there for a few seconds longer than necessary before shyly pulling it away, a pleasant flush suddenly apparent on his cheeks.

“I – goodnight, Commander.” He stepped back, leaving his cup in the sink and heading over to the pods dutifully. 

“Kaidan?” She called, and he turned.

“Yeah?”

“What made your dad stay?” He gazed at her curiously, and she quickly elaborated. “In the Alliance, I mean. You said he almost left, when he found out. What made him stay? What made you want to even join?”

Kaidan was quiet, thinking hard but with a soft smile on his face. 

“My dad – my dad always said, long before Conatix or BAaT or, or anything, really – that you can’t judge any whole based on your experience with a part. The Alliance made a mistake. Vyrnnus made a mistake. _I_ made a mistake.” He shrugged, still smiling sadly. “But in the grand scheme of things, those moments don’t define a person any more than they define an entire organization. If he left, what would that have taught me? He chose to see the good that the Alliance was doing, and so did I. I joined to – to do good. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“He sounds like a good man.” She replied. “I imagine he’s very proud of you.”

“He is, ma’am. Thank you.” He smiled again before hesitating, as though he wanted to say something more. But instead, he nodded at her, turning back to make his way to the pods.

She watched him leave, still feeling a pleasant tingling where his fingers had encased over hers. With a sign, she drained the last of her cup, placing it in the sink beside his before settling in for another attempt at sleep.

That was the first time he’d ever said her first name. _Jane_. It sounded pleasant on his tongue.


	49. Entry 3: Suiting Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2183  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-1  
>  **Codex** : _“He never cracked. Not once, not ever, not even when Williams in all of her confident glory had wriggled her impressive bosom into her bodysuit with the same enthusiasm as that of a small child jumping on a trampoline.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

They were going groundside.

Shepard mused often about her crew, and how fortunate she was to lead them. Anderson had picked well, selecting a roster not only for commendations and service history, but also for general personality. Each member was accommodating, adaptive and mindful of their fellow crewmen. She hadn’t been aboard a frigate with this much seamless teamwork and impeccable expertise in her entire service.

She was particularly impressed with his selection of Staff Lieutenant. They were currently in the docking bay, warming up the Mako and waiting to reach the LZ. Alenko and Williams were suiting up dutifully, and while Williams was all smiles and laughter, Alenko was clearly deep in thought, his mind focused on the mission.

He was always serious, it seemed. It was one of the many things that piqued her interest about him. Alenko was incredibly intelligent, insightful of internal politics, and quick to grasp ever-changing situations. He was quiet, but not in a shy way – she had seen more than once that, once engaged, he quite often had a lot to say – but reserved in his willingness to provide opinions unless asked. Really, it was when he bothered to speak up at all that she had to be worried; he was either going to be full of excited optimism or about to deliver a dry deadpan assessment of a shitty situation.

He was an excellent marine. He followed orders perfectly, but not blindly, either. She had seen in his eyes, sometimes, the way he would question her. Moments later, once he caught up to her plan, he would smile in respectful admiration, but always after agreeing in the first place without hesitation. He trusted her, made concentrated efforts to understand her style of leadership and adapt himself accordingly.

He’d had her back, unquestioningly, from the get-go. It was more than she could say of many others who had been tasked with following orders from a younger female superior.

He was also a powerful and incredibly useful ally to fight alongside of. She had never worked so closely with a biotic before – not a human one, anyway – and she was constantly impressed with his capabilities. When she had initially read the duty roster, spent those weeks pouring over each marine and their attributes, she had initially felt concern that her highest-qualified groundside crew member was only trained in _pistols._

The type of ground work she was used to typically required much, much more than just a mere pistol. But Alenko had shocked her, from the moment his boots hit the dirt on Eden Prime and she had first seen a glimpse of his abilities.

She learned as much from him as he did from her; while initially he had been quite reserved in utilizing his biotics, once she grasped the full scope of their potential she was now using it quite liberally. She would direct him in creative, sometimes awkward measures – lift a crate here, toss an unsuspecting pirate there – that, at first, he had been clumsy and uncertain with its delivery.

His quiet determination quickly rectified that. It had only been a few short days, and already she felt as though she had worked alongside of him for months. Their bodies were fluid, dancing beside one another in a mess of gore and metal in an unspoken integration of their strengths.

And his tech skills were second to none, he hadn’t exaggerated in their first meeting. Her fighting style was all force, it always had been. But Alenko was calm, measured, calculative – he had once taken out an entire ground force of geth simply by overloading their omni-tools. They short-circuited and collapsed but moments later, a technique she had him deploy more than several times after. There had been more than one occasion where she felt, coming back into the decon bay sweaty and covered in blood, that they quite literally would not have made it out without his expertise.

He was much, _much_ more than just a mere pistol. Anderson really had chosen well.

And as an added bonus, she admitted to herself wryly, he was not bad to look at, either. Part of marine life was getting over the concept of both personal space and body privacy. Being squashed into a frigate for months at a time, or changing swiftly from BDU’s into the body-fitted combat hardsuits, left little to the imagination to your fellow marines. They were either brushing up against one another or stripping down to their drawers on a daily basis.

So it wasn’t exactly hard to sneak a look at him. Like right now, tasked with the time-consuming and detailed task of fitting their hardsuits together, wherein the Lieutenant spent a generous five minutes in nothing but his Alliance-issued briefs.

Williams, for all her subtly, had caught her eye during their first suit-up session, gesturing to him appreciatively. He either chose to staunchly ignore it or was curiously aloof, instead steadfastly clipping on his calf guards and zipping into his suit.

He was certainly very attractive, that was without question. He had classic good looks, from the masculine cut of his jaw to the sharp brows and chiseled nose. He also had the body of a marine, his muscles hard and finessed from years of hard work and precise body movements.

He also had an incredible ass. That was something that was all him – she’d never noticed _that_ on another marine.

But that was all fine and well. It was easy to acknowledge someone as being attractive, but she admitted to herself that was genuinely attracted to _him_. She found herself gazing at him with more than just basic appreciation, but with a sort of want or urge that she couldn’t quite quash down. That was something completely different and completely outside of her comfort zone.

She kept waiting for him to mess it up, to knock her from her reverie. Maybe she would catch him staring lewdly at another female, perhaps he would gawk at their new asari crewmember, or even make a misogynistic comment comparing guns to another definitively male body part. These were all inevitable slips that cracked through even the most rigid marines; she had seen it one too many times in her service.

But he never cracked.

Not once, not ever, not even when Williams in all of her confident glory had wriggled her impressive bosom into her bodysuit with the same enthusiasm as that of a small child jumping on a trampoline. He was careful, incredibly respectful with his gaze, his eyes always fixated on the routine of his own suit, vigilantly keeping his attention to his own task at hand.

It only made her that much more attracted to him. Garnering respect as a female superior could at times be difficult enough, but most male marines that she bumped into couldn’t escape the temptation to flirt or gawk at their female counterparts from time to time – _particularly_ during a suit up. But Alenko was ever a gentleman, going so far as to wait patiently by the Mako for them to arrive at his side before chancing a glance in their direction.

She didn’t know what to make of it.

The flirting and staring had never bothered her – any marine worth his salt knew better than to actually try to mess with another combat-ready marine, female or not – rather, it had all been part of the culture. It was a certain type of person who applied for the marine force; the personalities attracted to its glory were typically brash, all noise and muscles and a thirst for playing hero.

Alenko was…different, from other marines she had met in her service. Unlike the rest, he had no air of competition about him. Instead, he oozed a steady sort of confidence, calculating his every move with logical precision rather than brute force. He had a sort of aloofness to him, as though always pleasantly surprised when his sharp wit or intellect came to the right conclusion. He was a natural leader, but oddly hesitant about it.

And damn if she didn’t find that sexy as hell.

She snuck another glance at him, watched the ripple of his abs as he zipped the inner liner of his suit up and over his chest. It caused a pleasant tingle to snake down her spine, pooling low in her belly. Yes, she was most decidedly very attracted to him.

Shaking her head as though to rid herself of the intrusive thought, she resumed her own task at hand, clipping her leg guards into place before beginning to zip her own suit up. Risking another glance over to him as he sat across the bench from her (she so very enjoyed the bulge of his biceps when he locked his chest plate into place), she was suddenly _very_ surprised to find his eyes staring raptly at the ample cleavage that threatened to spill over the top of her military-issue sports bra.

His eyes flitted up to her own, meeting her gaze for a brief moment before turning sharply down at his boots. A bright red flush blossomed over his cheeks, and he hastily threw the rest of his armor into place. She paused, surprised, before smiling wickedly as he quickly stood from the bench and stalked over to the Mako. Williams sent her a bewildered look, to which she shook her head in mock innocence.

Perhaps she’d found a way to crack his resolve after all. Only in this way, she found it wasn’t a disappointment at all.

/////

Later, when they peeled their hardsuits off their sticky bodies, with Williams complaining about blood getting into her hair, she made a point of sitting on the bench directly across from Alenko. Slowly, methodically, she unzipped her suit, stopping mid-waist and leaning staunchly forward to jiggle the buckles and zips on her boots loose.

After a drawn-out minute of this (and Alenko’s fingers gripping the clasps on his suit a little too tightly), she heard the softest of sighs, meant for her ears only. A sigh of defeat. Casually, she brought her vision up with an innocent expression.

He met her gaze head on, his eyes smoldering in a way she’d never seen before. On his lips was the barest of smiles, just teasing at the corners.

She smiled right back.


	50. Entry 2: Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2183  
>  **Location** : SSV Normandy SR-1  
>  **Codex** : _“You find it odd an N7 operative was selected as XO aboard a stealth-class frigate for a simple shakedown cruise?” She smiled, leaning back approvingly. “If you didn’t, Alenko, I’d be concerned for your wits. You seem to have a good handle on Alliance politics.”_
> 
> [Chapter Warnings: none]

“You wanted to see me, ma’am?”

Shepard raised her eyes, taking in her Staff Lieutenant with surprise. He hadn’t been what she had been expecting, at all.

“That’s right. I just wanted to meet my HoMD, is all. We’ll be working quite closely together on this mission, Lieutenant Alenko.”

At twenty-nine, she already felt that she had seen it all – when it came to battle, anyway. Elysium had thrust her into a spotlight she had never intended, catapulting her into the N7 program half a decade younger than many of her fellow recruits. Rank-climbing had never been difficult for her. Spending your life on the streets did that to a person, she presumed – it taught her how to see a problem, find the gaps, and fill them accordingly. That tactic had a way of capturing higher-ups’ attention.

It also made her tough as nails. A necessary requirement for an N7, but it worked in her favor that she hadn’t lost her compassion, either. She’d seen the negative effects that spurned marines could have on delicate diplomatic issues. And being an N7 was chalk-full of delicate damn situations.

Like now, for instance. She was stationed aboard the Normandy SR-1, a top-secret vessel built in conjunction with both turian and human engineers. It was David Anderson’s baby, his brain-child – it came to no shock to her, then, when he selected her as his XO. He had overseen her N7 performance personally. He knew what to expect from her.

It also told her, however, that whatever shakedown cruise she had been assigned to was much more than what it was masquerading to be. It wasn’t often that she got to work alongside a crew – as an N7, she specialized in infiltration missions, often working solo or leading small squadron units – which was why she had taken it upon herself, within minutes of boarding, to reach out to her assigned Staff Lieutenant. She needed to see where his head was at.

As far as first impressions go, Kaidan Alenko appeared very much to have his head screwed on straight.

He nodded, his eyes forward and back straight. He was very good-looking – an undeniable fact in and of itself – but rather than the cocky swagger she’d come to expect from many a marine lucky enough to hold even half the face that he was sporting, he had a certain calmness to him, his manner respectful and quiet.

It intrigued her. But then again, he was hand-picked by Anderson himself – she already knew he had to be exceptional to warrant that designation.

“It’s an honor to meet you, ma’am.”

“The pleasure is mine, Lieutenant.” She extended her hand, smiling warmly, a gesture that surprised him. His eyebrows raised for but a moment, his calm façade giving way to momentary confusion, before he grasped her hand in his own, shaking firmly. He had a pleasant smile on his face – already, he seemed more at ease.

Good. She’d met enough marines who were so exhilarated by meeting the war hero Commander Shepard that they weren’t able to keep a cool head, flustering on the battlefield from nerves and the desire to impress her. From this brief reprieve of formality, she sensed this wouldn’t be a problem with Alenko.

“Your file is quite unique, Lieutenant.”

“I imagine so, ma’am. There aren’t many human biotics in the military as it is. Even less who register as L2’s. If you have any questions or concerns, I’m happy to answer them.” His tone was crisp, respectful. She nodded, taking a seat on one of the com room chairs, indicating him to join her. Another brief look of surprise and he followed suit, resting his hands politely in his lap.

"Hmm, I wasn’t referring to your biotics, actually.” She smirked briefly at him, content when an expression of confusion passed briefly over his face, before returning her gaze down to his personnel file. “Although I’m sure I will once I see you in battle. I’ve never fought alongside a biotic – not a human one, I mean. I’m sure I have a lot I can learn from you.”

“I – I think that statement might be better purposed the other way around, ma’am.” He said politely, a slight flush rising to his cheeks. “Although I hope I live up to whatever expectations Anderson has instilled in you of me.”

“Anderson hasn’t said anything specifically. Him selecting you on this mission is statement well enough – Anderson only selects the best.” She said simply, catching his eye steadily. He returned her gaze, nodding silently as though acquiescing her statement. “I was referring to your service history. You have some rather glowing commendations, Lieutenant. Over a dozen, in fact.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” He said politely, still staring at her curiously. 

“You’ve led a number of spec ops teams personally, it looks like.”

“That’s right.”

“High praise in particular from your CO’s aboard the Tokyo and Teutoburg. States here they both commend your strong leadership capabilities and cool headedness on the battlefield.” She raised a brow, flicking through to another screen. He was quiet. “It looks like you’re a highly qualified field medic, as well.”

“Yes, ma’am. I have my Level III. I’ve never ran into a medical situation that I couldn’t handle on the field, human or otherwise.”

“Level III. That will come in handy.” She muttered, scrolling through. “And it says here that your technological expertise –”

“That, is unparalleled, ma’am. I can assure you of that. I know I don’t offer a lot of traditional gunpower, but I think you’ll find my tech skills are second to none. I can disable an entire squadron’s shielding in a matter of seconds.” He sat up straighter in his seat, still gazing at her intently. He had lovely eyes, she noticed. A nice warm brown. The intrusive thought surprised her.

“It sounds as though you make for a second-line fighter, then, is that correct?” She prompted, and he nodded.

“That’s right. Actually, I –” He opened his mouth to speak but, second-guessing himself, allowed his words to trail off. She sat back, encouraging him silently to continue. Realizing he had cornered himself, he acquiesced with a soft sigh. “What I was going to say, ma’am, is that I, uh, I’ve read your file, too. I think we’ll make for a great match on the field. I tend to excel very well with strong front-line fighters. As I said, I might lack in gunpower, but I provide the finesse that makes your job easier.”

His eyes were alight with excitement, and another semblance of flush had popped into his cheeks, as though embarrassed with himself for admitting as such. She got the distinct feeling that he was much more eager to get into battle with her than his calm demeanor led on.

“I’d be surprised if you _hadn’t_ read my file, Lieutenant.” She said breezily, smiling warmly at him to set him back at ease. “Admittedly, a lot of my file is hidden from public access, but you’re right. It’s not often I get to fight alongside a sentinel-class soldier. The Alliance is starkly lacking in them.”

“I appreciate that, ma’am.” He smiled at that, lips quirking up just in the corners. She hummed, continuing. 

“Is this your first posting as Staff Lieutenant?”

“No, ma’am. My third.”

“So you’re familiar with what’s expected of you. Do you have any questions regarding your role?”

“None, ma’am.” He shifted in his seat, hesitating again for but a moment, before reaching into his pocket to pull a data file out. He handed it out to her quietly, eyes twinkling, offering it in his palm. Curious, she grasped it, gazing at him curiously.

“What’s this?”

“I took the opportunity before boarding to go through the personnel files of our crew, Commander. I’ve already put together preliminary duty rosters based on previous experience and personality files. You have the final say in my reports, ma’am, but it’s my hope that you’ll find it suitable.”

Surprised, she turned the file over in her hand, staring at it curiously.

“You always this prompt, Alenko?”

“I like to be thorough, ma’am.” He said politely. 

“I think thorough is an understatement. You know you weren’t called for active duty until 0700 this morning, right Lieutenant? There’s no way you put this together in the span of a few hours.”

“No, ma’am.” He flushed again at this, but still kept his gaze stubbornly on her. “I spent the better part of two weeks putting this together. I may make amendments to it once we familiarize ourselves better with the crew on a personal level, but as I said – I think it will work well in a preliminary manner.”

She stared back, smirking suddenly, tucking the device into her pocket with a pleased expression. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were sucking up, Alenko.”

“Not sucking up, ma’am. Just aware of the expectations of my role.” He paused, hesitating, before continuing on, a hint of mirth in his voice. “I’ll inform you if and when I decide to lay it on, Commander. For the record, how do you prefer your coffee?”

“If I so much as receive one perfect cup of coffee from you, Lieutenant, the gig is up.” She chuckled, shaking her head. “You’ll have to figure that out on your own.”

“Even better. I like a challenge.” He quipped confidently, smiling back. 

Grinning, she returned back to his file, him sitting as patiently as ever at her informal interview. “It looks as though you have a long history of serving aboard frigates, Alenko. You enjoy long postings?”

“I do – one of the few marines that does, I think.” He chuckled at that, shrugging. “Some find it lonely. I actually prefer it that way. I, uh, I don’t do well with loud noises, ma’am. I find the solitude and routine of frigate life comforting.”

“You sound like an orderly man, Alenko. Seems like you’re well-suited for marine life.” She observed carefully. “Must be hard on your family though, to be away for so long at a time.”

She didn’t know why she asked him that, but the words came out before she could stop herself. If he was surprised he hid it well, merely shrugging indifferently, still looking at her with an open expression.

“Can’t be much different from your own, Commander. Besides, I, uh – well. No family to speak of, ma’am. Not like that, anyway.” He paused, smiling. “My mom does send me care packages though. I’ll be sure to share some of her homemade jam with you if any comes my way, if you’re interested.”

“Your mom sends you _jam_.” She deadpanned, raising a brow. She thought he was joking, at first, until he saw his expression was anything but. Rather, he met her inquiry confidently, smirking.

“Make fun of me all you want. Just wait until you try it. Made fresh from my parents’ orchard out in the BC interior.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” Exhaling softly with a disbelieving chuckle, she put her pad down, meeting his gaze curiously. “I actually like frigates myself. It isn’t often I get to be part of a crew. It’s easier to integrate back into working alongside people aboard a small vessel like this.”

“No, I imagine as an N7 you operate alone, mostly.” His tone was curious, but respectful. He leant forward, resting his forearms on his knees casually. “That just confirms that this mission is – well. It doesn’t matter. I’m speculating when I shouldn’t be.”

“You find it odd an N7 operative was selected as XO aboard a stealth-class frigate for a simple shakedown cruise?” She smiled, leaning back approvingly. “If you didn’t, Alenko, I’d be concerned for your wits. You seem to have a good handle on Alliance politics.”

He smiled, secretive, as though they were solving a riddle of sorts. “I like to think so, ma’am. At any rate, I’m not asking any questions. I’m just saying that I’ve looked at the duty roster, as you know. If this isn’t a vessel full of soldiers being groomed for specialized Marine and Navy corp tracks, I don’t know what is. It’s _your_ presence I can’t quite make sense of.”

“How so?” She asked, intrigued by his insight. He wasn’t prodding, merely speculating. His words and his intuition impressed her – it wasn’t difficult to see why Anderson had selected him. Alenko was intelligent, notably so.

He read the look on her face, mulling his words carefully until he saw that her expression was that of encouragement, not of chastisement. 

“You’re the odd man out, Commander. Uh, woman, that is.” He shrugged, sitting back up to fold his hands back in his lap. “I’m not complaining. Like I said, I think we’ll work well together. I think I can learn a lot from you. But your expertise is a bit unusual for this posting. You’ve already _been_ groomed, so to speak. I think – well. I just think there’s something else going on here, that either I don’t know about yet or won’t be privy to know.” 

She looked at him, long and hard, the barest of smiles on her face. Impressive, indeed. When she remained silent, he shuffled a bit in his seat, suddenly looking uncomfortable.  
“Sorry ma’am, if I’ve crossed any lines. As I said, I’m not prying. I’m here to perform my role and I intend to perform it well. I’m just – just talking, is all.”

“Not at all, Alenko. Although, I’m happy to hear that.” She smiled, leaning forward herself, holding his gaze. “I have an open-door policy with my crew, Lieutenant. Always have. I’m always open to hear what you have to say. I know that isn’t always standard procedure with XO’s, but I’m not a standard XO. I can’t promise I can always contribute, but I you’re welcome to chat with me anytime. Any concerns, any issues – I’m all ears. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He nodded, a grateful expression on his face. He seemed pleased, and he smiled at her warmly. He really was quite handsome, in an aloof and unassuming sort of way. It was endearing, and it made her want to talk with him more, to hear more of whatever it was he had to say. He clearly had a good head on his shoulders – quick-thinking, intuitive, insightful. She already knew she was going to enjoy working alongside him. It wasn’t every day she was granted a close subordinate so similar to her own playbook.

“Alright then, Lieutenant. I think I’ve talked your ear off well enough for now. I appreciate you meeting with me – did you have any questions for me?” She asked, standing to dust off her uniform. He followed suit, politely folding his hands behind his back once more.

“None, ma’am. Unless you’re willing to divulge that coffee information.” He said with a straight-face, eyeing her seriously. She chuckled, pleased when a small smile took over his face.

“That secret stays with me, Lieutenant, but I wish you happy hunting.” She nodded, flicking her eyes to the door. “You can get back to your post, soldier. I believe Flight Lieutenant Moreau is eager to get this bird in the air as soon as Anderson makes his way aboard.”

“I’ll have to politely disagree, ma’am. I know for a fact he’d like to take her up now. I’ll make sure she stays grounded until you give the go-ahead.” He sent one last smile at her, saluting crisply, before making his way back up and out of the com room, the door sliding shut behind him.

Yes, she pondered, he was nothing at all like she’d expected. Anderson really had chosen well. They’d make a good team, the two of them. She was sure of it.

/////

Three days later, sleep-deprived and exhausted, she made her way to the coffee pot in the mess. Her head was full of too many thoughts – between the nightmares from the beacon on Eden Prime, to Jenkins’ untimely death, Anderson stepping down, her newfound Spectre status – it had been a whirlwind of a few days. She needed something warm to calm her irritated demeanor.

It came to her surprise, then, when a hot cup was already waiting with a sticky-note posted haphazardly around the rim.

_“Commander Shepard”_ , the note read in tidy lettering. Curious, she flipped over the paper, gazing at the writing along the back side. _“Thought you could use a cup just the way you like it.”_

Hesitantly, she took a sip. 

It was perfect, right down to the exact amount of cream and sugar. Looking around the empty hall, she shook her head, suddenly feeling some of her burdens being lifted away from this one simple gesture. How had Alenko figured it out?

She tucked his note into her pocket unthinkingly, smiling for the first time in days.


	51. Entry 1: Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Year** : 2983  
>  **Location** : Virmire / Hoc System / Sentry Omega / Milky Way Galaxy  
>  **Codex** : _Always._

She hadn’t made this walk in many centuries, but her feet still knew the way. That didn’t mean that they handled the trek very well, however.

“I’m alright, Aleetha. Truly.”

“But Lady Liara –”

“It’s _alright_.” Her voice came out firmer than she intended, so she smiled. Aleetha smiled softly back, acquiescing and releasing the vice-like grip she had on her arm. “I’d like to go the rest of the way on my own, anyway.”

“But –”

“No buts. I may be old, but I…I can do this.” Liara pushed, stubborn as always. Aleetha sighed, stepping back dutifully. 

“Alright, ma’am. But please – take it slow. And, I’ll be right here if you need anything.”

“What I need, Aleetha, is for you to not let anyone else through. Under the orders of Matriarch Liara, if asked.” She winked, a gesture that made Aleetha smirk knowingly, and the younger asari nodded, complying. “I’ll be back – I’ll be back when I’m ready.” 

Aleetha paused, her grin faltering, bowing her head slightly in understanding.

“Take as much time as you need.” She finally said, her voice tight. Grateful, Liara turned to face the sea. 

How many years had it been since she’d last visited? _Too long_ , a guilty voice in her head said. 

She stepped forward gingerly, her body aching and slow. And yet, she thought, it didn’t look all that different despite the years. Hoc was a main sequence yellow star, and while the asari may live long in the eyes of humans, their lifespans were but a blink in the life cycle of the shimmering ball of gas glowing overhead. Despite knowing this, it still shocked her to see it look so – _normal_. So familiar. 

So welcoming.

The foliage was as bright green as ever, the now well-traveled path diligently maintained. Any evidence of the bomb that took Ashley Williams’ life – so many countless years ago, and yet Liara could still remember her voice as though it were yesterday – was long gone. In it’s stead, the stunning plant life upon Virmire soil was nothing short of magnificent as the calming crash of waves invited her ever-closer. 

But it wasn’t the sea that piqued her attention.

Her body was tired. So incredibly tired, and why shouldn’t it be for an asari her age? She could use her biotics to ease the weight from her bones – it was how she often preferred to move about these days, the brief weightlessness of shimmering dark matter eradicating the stiffness in her muscles long enough to forget just how old she really was. 

But today, she wanted to feel every pain. Every tense joint, every aching muscle, every weary sigh. Today, she wanted to feel alive where so many others were not.

One step ahead of the other and, slowly, Aleetha all but disappeared from her field of view. The air was warm and salty upon her skin, making her smile. It was just her now, alone down a well-treaded dirt path, the luscious fauna invitingly sweeping across her bare arms as she shuffled her way past. 

And just like that, despite the high noon of the day, her body was cast in shade. 

Looking up, she couldn’t help but gasp in wonder. Many people did, when they came to this sight – it was something truly magnificent to behold. 

Two trees, their trunks thick and knotted, their branches soaring gracefully up and over the clearing, bright leaves full to bursting along every limber arch. These trees were beautiful in and of themselves, but they were not called 'Lovers Trees' back on Thessia without reason.

The trunks nearly touched now, she noted, but that wasn’t what caught her breath. The branches, so healthy and hardy, had spent the past several hundred years growing up and amongst one another, two trees entwined beautifully into one towering masterpiece. Their long limbs – countless numbers of them – had grown upwards and outwards, clinging to branches from the other and roping themselves into thick strands that hung delicately from the sky. The leaves were prudent and bright, shades of every kind of green, flowering blossoms blooming upon some of their tips. Thick roots poked from the ground in an impressive diameter from the base – even the roots were entangled, she noted.

She forgot how to breathe.

Her feet pushed onward, coming to the edge of the clearing, the path circling around the trunks in an ever-receding outward push as the trees continued to grow and thrive. The entire clearing was cast in shade – a reprieve from the hot Virmire sun – and a few benches were placed delicately around the loop. But she wasn't interested in rest; not yet, anyway.

A few paces forward, she stepped over the low ropes that separated dirt from soil, reaching outwards to feel the hardy wood beneath her fingertips. 

“Has it really been so long?” She whispered to herself, closing her eyes as she felt the tree trunks alive beneath her palms. How large they had gotten – she remembered the day that Ashley Alenko planted them as though it had happened moments ago, not centuries. They had been saplings, their branches nothing more than mere twigs. And now – 

Now, they were magnificent. 

A lone tear rolled its way down her cheek and she smiled, welcoming it. She was awash in emotion – happiness, nostalgia, remembrance, a deep and sorrowful sense of longing. She missed them. She felt, somehow, as though she were now standing with them.

With a shaky exhale she stepped back, easing herself back over the low ropes and trailing her way to the placard that she knew lay upon the trail, nestled at the heart between the two trunks. 

Her fingers skimmed over the cool metal, the engraving as fresh as the day she’d had it installed. That had been the last time she’d come out this way – a few days after Ashley Alenko had passed away. They’d come here, together, one last time, so she could say goodbye. The trees had already begun to entwine, the trunks no taller than their heads but already stubbornly growing upward and entangling into one another. 

It had made Ashley smile like no other, her weathered cheeks glistening with tears and happy laughter bubbling up from her chest.

_“They’re really together. I can’t wait to see them again.”_ She’d said sadly, her grey hair billowing over her dark eyes – Kaidan’s eyes – and Liara had gripped her hand tightly.

Ashley had come to say goodbye and to ask Liara of a request. It was one she was only too happy to comply with.

Not a few days later, when she’d received the news that she was gone, Liara had made the proper arrangements and came back to oversee its installment. Satisfied, she’d said some goodbyes of her own – and hadn’t come back since.

That was over six hundred years ago, now. And she was incredibly pleased with every inch of Ashley’s request having come to fruition.

_“In Loving Memory of Jane Shepard & Kaidan Alenko_  
Starting Their New Beginning Together  
As They Always Were in Life –  
Together. 

_No Matter What Happens – Know That I Love You.”_

Liara read the words over and over again, running her hand over the etchings time after time until her vision became blurry with tears. Another deep, shuddering breath and she smiled, closing her eyes and allowing the warm liquid to trail down her cheeks.

She willed herself to find her voice, suddenly overcome with a thousand moments and memories that were itching to get out.

“Shepard – it’s been…it’s been 706 years since I last heard your voice in anything other than a history vid. 706 long years that this world hasn’t had you in it and yet, sometimes, it feels like you’re still everywhere I go.” 

She looked up at the leaves, at how she couldn’t even distinguish which tree it originated from with how tightly the branches were entangled. 

“I’m still the same prothean professor you remember. I still teach, but this time it’s within the confines of a university instead of a starship. A lot less guns, too. I can’t complain but, sometimes – I miss it. Just, don’t tell James I said that. He would be way too pleased with himself.”

Emboldened, she continued, the words tripping to get themselves out as though she had been locking them away for far too long.

“You wouldn’t believe how much one of your ancestors looks like Kaidan. I had to do a double-take just to make sure I wasn’t going senile. He’s a student in one of my lectures. It startled me, to say the least. He knew who I was, and he knew who he was, too. Introduced himself to me. Said it was an honor – I told him that was undoubtedly something Kaidan would have said, and he blushed. If I’d had any doubts then that he had Alenko blood in his veins, that confirmed it.”

She smirked at that, chuckling quietly to herself.

“He wants to be a historian. Interested in the Reaper War, specifically. And who better to learn from than someone who was there to witness it first hand? I’ve taken him under my wing, recently. I find his company – refreshing. Nostalgic, maybe. It makes me feel close to both of you, being near him. Talking about both of you. He has endless questions. Maybe…maybe, one day, I’ll take him here to meet you both.”

The wind rustled over her clothes, a warm and welcome breeze dancing over her paling blue skin. She took a step back, suddenly exhausted. Allowing herself to ease onto one of the benches, she continued, smiling.

“I’d like to think that you and Kaidan are enjoying your retirement. Maybe even laughing at how I’ve begun to age. I’m sure Joker would find it humorous that my tentacles have begun to shrink.” She smirked at that, pausing to look down into the dirt. She knew what lay deep within there – a faded Normandy hat, entangled somewhere deep within the roots. “I know how lonely you were, in your final years without him. I can’t begin to tell you how much peace it gives me, after all these years, to know you’re together with him again. Always.”

She exhaled sharply, taking the rustling sound between the leaves as a warm hello of sorts. An encouragement to continue.

“It hasn’t been easy. You made this future possible, Shepard, and even since then there have been many times where that peace was threatened. Not one, but _two_ Krogan rebellions. Salarian respite. The withdrawal and readmittance of so many council races. But despite that – your memory was always the anchor that brought people back. Your sacrifices forced people to remember. And I like to think that you played a part in smoothing over those conflicts, too. You aren’t even alive anymore and you’re still giving us peace.”

She laughed at that, gazing around her aimlessly. The lumbering trees, the lush green foliage that surrounded her, the sun glistening off the ocean in the distance. This was a beautiful place.

“Your daughter came up with all of this, you know. She was incredible. Those of us who knew you knew how special your love for one another was – how rare, and how extraordinary. But now – the entire galaxy gets to know it, too. I was only too happy to play but a small part. What’s an old matriarch to do, after all. The years…they get long. Granting my power to ensure this place stays exactly the way it does gives me more peace than you can imagine. It’s maintained day and night. It’s become a sort of symbol here in the Hoc system – couples come to sit beneath your trees, and gaze up at it with romance in their eyes. Kaidan would have particularly liked that, I think.” 

She thought about Kaidan’s smile – that blush he used to have, whenever he got caught looking at Shepard for longer than was necessarily appropriate. It clenched her heart to think of it.

“I’m 906 years old. I’ve seen too much, and I’ve outlived too many. Including all of our friends. I remember, so long ago, when Joker passed away. It was in a way that we all strive for, I think; especially when you’ve made a career out of piloting a starship. “Natural causes” – especially for his disease, life was gracious to him. I remember that was the first time I ever really thought about death. I’d lost others before then, of course – my mother, as you well know. But for asari, death is typically long overdue. It was the first time I’d lost a human friend and that pain was so real, so raw – it took me a long time to make peace with it.”

“But it prepared me, too; prepared me to start thinking about what I would do when I lost the rest of you. You’d all become so important to me. And as each of you left, my heart grew more weary.”

“Losing Kaidan, one of hundreds to lose his final battle to the implant that had affected his life for so long.”

“Watching you, struggle on without him, proudly bearing his name and patiently waiting to join him.”

“James, Tali, Garrus…it didn’t get easier, Shepard. EDI, who requested her program be shut down when Ashley left us. I think that was her last heartfelt tie to Joker, and she just…couldn’t be away from him any longer.”

“Even Wrex. Wrex, who died a Krogan Battlemaster warm in his bed, took the time to call me before he left. He promised to say hello to you both for me.”

She folded her hands in her lap, exhaling softly. She had goosebumps, despite the warm Virmire air. Speaking these names always had that effect on her.

“I think – I think it’s almost my time to join you, too. I have a few things I still need to finish. A few goodbyes to make. But I’m ready to come home. I’m ready to see all of your faces again. I want to hear Joker’s laugh. I want to see EDI at his side. I want to listen to another one of Garrus’ dry jokes. I want to watch the wind blow through Tali’s hair. I want to see James lose to Kaidan in another push-up contest. And I want to see both of you, together again, his hand in yours and the light shining from his eyes as he looks at you.”

“I want to see the smile on your face, Shepard, when you look back at him. The only time you smiled like that was with Kaidan. He made you so happy – it was so hard, seeing you in your final years without him. You deserve to be happy. After everything – there’s no one who deserves it more.”

It was too much for her. All at once, she was awash in emotion, overcome with it all. This place, this moment, these memories – she smiled, crying fervently now, their faces so fresh in her mind.

“Let me tell you a story. It’s the story of my life, and it’s a long one. But it all started, it all _really_ started, with three humans. I hadn’t had much interaction with humans before then, you know. I was a novice professor, ignorant to politics, content with my digs and my books. And before I knew it, I had gone and gotten myself completely trapped with no way out. Just when I thought I really was going to die in that place, a Commander and her handsome Lieutenant came to my rescue…”

She stayed there long after her throat felt dry from talking, every moment spilling from her lips, every memory of their lives pouring from her heart. She stayed there until the sun hung low in the sky and the only thing she could hear was the rustling of the leaves, the two trees ever-spun together, the sight of them blurring into one between her tears.

Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for joining me on this journey, and for all of the lovely support and kind words. I have never had so much fun writing as I have with these characters -- I hope this story brings you the same joy it's given me. It was very difficult to say goodbye to.


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